Only Murders in the Building (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Is that me?
Did I stab someone?
The person on the train,
was it Glitter Guy?
He took my bag. Is this his?
I need to get to Coney Island now.
We got back the DNA tests we
took for Henry's school project.
Am I nervous that my son
isn't my son? Not at all.
You know, I really came here
because I'm worried about you.
- You don't have to worry about me.
- I do.
There is some real shit going
on in this building, Charles.
I need information
on who that guy is.
Something to jog my memory.
When I found that Glitter Guy,
he had this on him.
Hey. Where are you?
Lucy! Where are you?
- I'm at your place.
- Listen, you need
I came to see you.
- Lucy!
- Oh, I know this.
We've got a blackout, people.
New York does
crime fast and furious.
Every day brings a new
sensational headline.
"Heiress Found Murdered
in Own Doll Collection."
"Man Mauled by Ex-wife's Pet
Leopard in Bronx Apartment."
After a while, they can
all start to blend together.
But sometimes,
a killer stands out,
makes his mark in history.
Five entire episodes of vamping.
At this rate, the cops are
gonna solve it before they do.
I wish you people would take my
Sixth Avenue Slasher theory seriously.
Marv, we gave you an
entire episode of the fancast
to make your serial
killer-kills-Bunny case.
It didn't take. No one buys it. Move on.
He's real.
- And he's out there.
- Look,
I don't know if I'm totally ready
to just cut and run from Only Murders,
but I have been playing the field.
Have you heard episode one of that
political embezzlement podcast?
Take the Money and
Run. I didn't hate it.
It has potential, if it
can get a body count going.
Embezzlement?
How can you talk about
switching allegiance
when our guys are still in
the middle of season two?
Face it, Marv. They're
overboard and treading water.
If we cling to them too hard,
they might just drag us down with them.
Hey! Hi!
Look at them. Huh?
You guys might be fair-weather fans,
but I am OMITB for life.
What's gotten into him lately?
When he looked at that fork,
I was scared for my life.
The Sixth Avenue
Slasher earned a place
in the headlines of the early aughts.
He killed for years,
always picking victims
who lived on Sixth Avenue.
Or near Sixth Avenue.
And a few times Seventh or Eighth.
Or Broadway or Amsterdam.
Honestly, the whole Big
Apple was his hunting ground.
No one on any street was safe.
Except people on Third.
They seemed to be fine.
And he was never caught.
- Lucy! Where are you?
- For all we know,
he's back at it again.
We have a blackout, people.
We need to get to Lucy.
She's at my place all alone.
- If the killer is after her
- Wait.
Lucy?
Your semi-stepdaughter?
Not now, Marv. We're in crisis mode.
Is the whole city blacked out?
The eastern grid
probably went down.
Maybe they just blew
a fuse in the kitchen.
I had a complicated order.
Message from ConEd.
Whole tristate area is out!
See? I do know what I'm
talking about sometimes.
I don't have service.
Does anyone have service?
I have service. I just got an email.
Oh my god. It's my DNA results.
Click here to get the answer you've
been waiting for all your life.
I'm clicking. I'm clicking.
It won't load. Fucking hell!
Cell towers will be jammed.
Everyone trying to connect
with everyone else all at once.
I hate blackouts.
There's a thin line between
civilization and chaos,
and that line is electricity.
We have to get to the
Arconia to find Lucy
- before anyone else does.
- Can I
walk you guys through my
Sixth Avenue Slasher theory?
- I know you're stuck right now and
- No time, Marv.
Yeah, and we're not stuck, okay?
- As you can see, we're on fire.
- Mr. Putnam, wait!
The fridge is out. These dips,
they're just going to go bad.
No charge, please. You'd
be doing us a favor.
Oliver, let's go.
Can I have a doggy bag?
Perhaps a Hefty bag?
The Sixth Avenue Slasher's
MO was simple.
Choose older women.
But younger women could be targets, too.
Also, men of all ages.
It really depended on the day.
He scared the city senseless,
and he was never caught.
The only silver lining to having
a serial killer on the loose
is the way it can unite a divided city.
Everyone huddling in their
apartments at the same time,
terrorized by the same psychopath.
There's nothing like a crisis
to bring New Yorkers together.
Front door. We're aware of the
blackout. How can I help you?
The elevator's out?
Exactly how am I supposed to get
these groceries up to my apartment?
Stairs are that way, Frank.
I live on eight.
When I lived in the Braxton,
they had a generator.
Hey, hey, hey! Everyone, shut it!
You know how this works.
It'll be over in five
minutes. Or five days.
So, settle down
and start sipping.
It's medicinal, nutritional
and lightly alcoholic.
First one's free. After that,
cash only.
Front door.
We're aware of the
blackout. How can I help you?
Lester, it's Nina.
Did a package come for me?
Yes, Ms. Lin. I-I'm looking
at it right now.
Can you bring it up to me, please?
Oh, but the elevator's out.
And?
And you're on 14.
You know, they're asking me to
cut back on building expenses.
The old guy who holds a door open
that opens automatically would
seem like a good place to start.
A drone could get me that package
in five minutes without complaining.
Be right up in a
few more than five minutes.
See? Mob rule already.
We're about 15 minutes away from
heads on spikes and cannibalism.
I'll protect you.
Where are you going?
The elevators are this way.
No electricity, no elevators, baby.
- Oh, no. Absolutely not!
- Hey!
Let's get climbing.
There he is. There he is. Don't
look, don't look, don't look.
He's the one with the
Barney Greengrass tote.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've seen
him around. Handsome.
Oh, isn't he something?
The power may be out, but
there are sparks flying
- off of that one.
- So ask him out.
What are you talking about?
He's subletting on your floor.
Go knock on his door, stand tall,
feet shoulder-width apart
to communicate confidence,
and ask him out.
You are familiar with the
concept of a league, right?
And being out of one?
Go ask him to borrow some batteries,
so he can light your lantern.
Okay, vulgar.
What's the worst that can happen?
I could weep. I could vomit.
I could burst into flames.
You could also die tomorrow,
having never gone on a date.
If you never take a
risk, Howard, your life
will stay exactly as it is forever.
I don't mind my life.
I have my apartment. I have Yodelshop.
I am the Assistant Director
of Collection Development
at the Central Manhattan Public Library.
And I have Sevelyn.
There may be more to life than cats.
I won't tell her you said that.
Thank you, Doctor.
- Okay, I can't go on.
- We're only on four.
What am I climbing towards anyway?
As soon as the lights come
on, my test results come in,
and my identity implodes.
No longer am I "Will's
Loving Dad." I'm
"Dip Lover Cuckolded by King of Dips."
We're not climbing toward
your identity crisis.
We're climbing towards
Lucy. She needs us.
- All of us.
- Also, it's my knees.
I-I just had them done.
These are delicate models.
They're Alfa Romeos, not ATVs.
I-I can't handle this
kind of off-roading.
I got these babies in '06,
and look. They're still kickin'.
Oh really? Who did yours?
Dr. Arslanian, 85th and Lex.
Get outta here! Arslanian did mine!
Best knee guy in Manhattan, right?
Oh, hands down!
His receptionist, on the
other hand, I did not care for.
Don't get me started on Cheryl.
Hello? Killer at large?
- Child in peril?
- Sorry, you're right.
Seriously, guys, I-I don't think I
can make it. You go on without me.
If you dropped that 50-pound bag
of ballast, it would be easier.
I can't abandon them!
Hips before dips, Oliver.
Knees before cheese.
Stay alive! No matter what occurs,
I will find you,
no matter how long it takes.
- I will find you.
- Putnam!
Oh. Yeah. On my way.
Ah
Listen to me.
I couldn't heat this up the
way you wanted, but still.
Num-num?
Num-num.
Sevelyn Marie Morris.
Num-num.
Hey! Do you have
any double D's I can borrow?
Hey, you have
any double D's I can borrow?
- Oh!
- Oh my God!
I'm so sorry. I didn't
realize you were out there.
I was just coming to see if you
had any batteries I could borrow.
That's amazing because I was just gonna
come and ask if you had any batteries
- I could borrow.
- That's so funny!
Well,
thanks. Guess I'll ask 3C.
Wait, no! Come in. I
have tons of batteries.
If you have tons of batteries, why were
you coming to ask if
I had any batteries?
I mean, I have tons of candles.
Can I interest you in a votive or a
a dripless taper?
Hm.
- I brought your and your
- Shh!
Just got her down.
Oh, the baby swing.
Please, God, let this help her sleep.
Ms. Lin
You think I could sit?
Just a couple minutes.
It was a lot of stairs.
Fine.
Charles?
Is that you?
Charles
Charles?
Oh God
Oh God, oh God. Oh God.
Okay, please! I die here!
J-just give me a cyanide pill
and something fizzy
to wash it down with.
It's two more flights.
Fine, b-but I'll need to be dragged.
Come on, puppy.
- Oh, Mama! Ah!
- Okay.
Lucy?
- Did someone break in?
- Oh my God.
In here.
Glitter Guy. She's running from him.
We have to go in after her.
I hope this is not weird of me to ask,
but is that you I hear
sometimes singing down the hall?
Maybe you hear me practicing
with my Yodelshop quartet?
- Do you know Yodelshop?
- Mn-mm.
Classic barbershop harmonies
punctuated by the ancient
Alpine art of distance yodeling?
I've never heard of it.
But, you have a beautiful voice.
No. I'm just an amateur.
It's really a "don't quit
your day job" kind of thing.
Mm, see, that expression
gets me every time.
My day job is singing. I'm a chorus boy.
- Like on Broadway?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm a hyena in The Lion King.
Well, right now. I'm lucky,
but it's an exhausting life.
You can't imagine how much
I want to quit sometimes.
Wait, what could a Broadway star
possibly wish they did instead?
Mm Alright, don't laugh.
But I've always wanted to
be a children's librarian.
I'm a librarian.
Shut up.
That's our slogan.
Oh
You didn't have to do that.
I think your baby girl
might feel differently.
It's nice to be of use.
Just an old guy who holds a
door that opens automatically.
I didn't mean to
It's okay.
I'm proud of my job.
I enjoy helping people.
What's all this?
Paperwork for the construction
we're going to do.
What's the plan?
I know Bunny was saying
the stonework out front
could use some TLC. Oh!
There's a spot in the lobby that dips
- Lester.
- Right. I'm talkative.
That's the doorman in me.
Got my wife that way though.
She hates awkward silences.
Says with me, she never has any.
Your wife is Lorraine?
Yeah. How'd you know that?
Bunny used to quiz me on all
the people of the building.
She was the best.
Always remembered the
kids' birthdays, too.
May and Frank.
One's at SUNY Stony Brook,
and the other's doing improv.
And if I remember correctly, you
think they're really bad at it.
No! Bunny got that wrong.
Lester, have you heard anything
about who they think killed her?
No.
But I must have let them in.
That's what I think about.
They must have walked right past me.
I just hope it's not some psycho
who's got a thing
against board presidents.
- Lucy?
- Lucy.
- Okay, I can't see a thing.
- Shh!
Sorry. Sorry.
It's a wall.
I'm standing in front of a wall.
I don't remember there
being a wall here.
Didn't we come from
here? Or was it back there?
What floor are we even on?
I have no idea.
Maybe we should just go back.
We can't go back.
Well, I, for one, have
to sit down for a minute.
I haven't had this much exercise
in one day since I directed
one of Suzanne Somers'
ThighMaster infomercials.
- Oh, please tell us.
- Ugh. God
She liked everyone
around her to use them
when she was getting touched up.
Lost in our own building.
I've been chasing a ghost all over town,
and I'm no closer to knowing who he is.
Maybe Marv is right. We are stuck.
Was that Sound of Silence I
heard you singing yesterday?
It's the finale of our upcoming
Simon and Garfyodel concert.
Can I hear a couple bars?
No, no, no, no, no. I never sing alone.
- That's why I founded a quartet.
- Okay.
We'll duet!
I'll do Simon, you do Garfyodel.
Hello darkness, my old friend ♪
I've come to talk with you again ♪
And the vision that was ♪
Planted in my brain ♪
Still remains ♪
Within the sound ♪
Of silence ♪
In restless dreams, I walked alone! ♪
- Shh!
- There's a killer!
Sorry. It's just one of the
great breaks in folk rock history.
It's hard not to sing along.
'Neath the halo of a street lamp ♪
Your baby stopped crying.
When my eyes were
stabbed by the flash ♪
Of a neon light ♪
That split the night ♪
And touch the sound ♪
Of silence ♪
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
Do you, by any chance, have a pet?
Uh, yes. I have a cat.
Oh, dear.
I'm lethally allergic
to cats Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
- Guys?
- Lucy!
Lucy!
Are you alright?
- Hey!
- Oh good.
I think I need to go.
Thank you.
For a great blackout.
You, too. I had fun.
They were right behind me.
I-I think it was the person I
saw in here the night Bunny died.
The night Excuse me?
The night of Mom's wedding.
I was here that night.
- Excuse me?!
- See,
I knew that you would get mad.
But
I saw someone.
- Wait, you saw the killer?
- That's why he's after you.
Do you remember what
his face looked like?
No. No, they were wearing a mask
a-and some sort of, like, jumpsuit.
Did you hear their voice?
- No.
- Anything memorable? Like a weird gait.
- Lucy, did he walk funny?
- No.
They just looked at me
and sneezed, and then they ran off.
Sneezed?
Lucy, think hard. Was it a
"ah choo!" Or a, "Ah! Choo"?
Uh the second one?
- Ah.
- Why? What does that mean?
- No idea.
- Okay.
You and I need a new
system for hanging out.
It can't happen like this anymore.
Yeah, I-I'm good with that.
Guys, we need to get somewhere safe.
Okay. I never thought I'd
say this during a blackout,
but we need to go someplace
where other people are.
- Ah!
- Go! Go!
This way! Come on!
Ow! Ow, ow! Ow
Ah! Ow!
Ah!
Is there nothing dips can't do?
Marv?
What the fuck?
I should be going.
Is that the, uh
Wow. That's more than
a bit of stonework, huh?
I'm headed downstairs. Need
me to mail those papers?
I'm not a robot, but
I can still be helpful.
You know what? Maybe I should
double-check. In the light.
About that talk of automation
We may need to consider what we'd lose
without the human touch at the door.
Maybe some jobs could shift?
Instead of getting cut?
How does Director of
Resident Support sound?
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi!
So, hypothetically,
if I sent my cat to live with
Agnes from the library for a while
and got an air purifier and
vacuumed my entire apartment
and lint rolled all of my sweaters
twice like I did to this one
- It's very nice.
- Oh, thank you. It's new.
If I did all of those things
would you consider
going on a date with me?
In the light?
Nothing would make me happier.
How about right now?
And please
Don't get rid of your cat.
Marv killed Bunny?
I did not do that. No.
Then explain yourself, Marv.
You chased an innocent child.
And forced a luminary
of the American theater
to drag a sack of dips up four flights
of stairs like a Volga boatsman.
I wanted to protect her.
From the Sixth Avenue Slasher.
Then why are you wearing that suit?
These are my work clothes.
I'm a mold inspector.
I've done work in the
building over the years,
and I went up the back way when you
said you were worried about Lucy.
He's not who I saw.
- He's right. He's not who chased me.
- W
Wait
Is there a convention going
on in these passageways?
Look, I'm sorry.
I just wanted to be a part of it.
I thought if I could help,
maybe I could catch the
Sixth Avenue Slasher,
which is still a good theory.
Or maybe I could get another
mention on your podcast.
Or maybe my daughter
would regard me in a way
that feels something
akin to mildly friendly
or possibly even forgiving.
I miss my daughter. I know
you can relate to that.
And maybe I could get a
button with my face on it.
Marv?
You're not well.
Yeah. I've heard that.
- But you scared the killer away.
- I what?
Well, they ran off when they saw
your flashlight. It had to be him.
Hold on. Are you saying Marv
Did a good thing?
A-alright, Marv
Come by tomorrow. We'll
record you for an episode.
What? We're low on quality
content this season.
I'll take Marv.
Ah!
I just don't get it.
We've seen whoever the
killer is four times.
Lucy saw them the
night Bunny was killed,
we all saw them on the
surveillance footage at the diner,
and I fucking saw the Glitter Guy.
- But are they all the same person?
- Well, the person Lucy saw
Hey, where is Where's Lucy?
Wait. There she is!
- What the hell is he doing here?
- Hey.
Look who it is.
Lucy, was it?
Yeah.
Lucy was telling me some crazy
shit just went down with you guys,
beyond the normal, uh, blackout stuff.
We were, uh
It's It's all okay now.
- Yeah.
- Is it?
Good. You know, I was
just in the neighborhood,
just trying to make
sure you guys weren't
up to any of your, uh, shenanigans,
you know what I mean?
You got to be careful out there.
Especially in the dark.
- Thank you.
- Th-that is such good advice.
Yeah. Let's go, Lucy.
So you happened to be
in the neighborhood.
You don't seem like an Upper West
Side guy to me, Detective Kreps.
Oh, don't I?
I go to Zabar's all the time.
Best bagel, cream cheese,
and lox in the city.
You interested in me, Mabel? Hm?
I'm interested in you.
You know, I saw that, uh,
little viral video of yours.
What's stopping me from
locking you up today, huh?
I was wondering the same thing.
But why are you here?
Other than interrogating teenage girls?
That's just one part of
the job I happen to like.
- So, where should we go?
- Do you know the Pickle?
- I do not.
- They have the best disco fries in
Ooh, sorry. I'm sorry.
I just I got a new tattoo.
What are you looking at, kook?
Hm? Yeah, drink your milk, weirdo.
Have a good night, Mabel. Alright?
You, too, Detective Kreps.
It's nice to have the light back again.