Package Deal (2013) s02e08 Episode Script

Danny! You're wet.
Where's your umbrella? You're holding it.
Oh, right.
I borrowed it.
Hey, you mind if I hang on to it? It's pouring outside.
Yeah, I know.
I had to park three blocks away.
Wait.
Why'd you park so far away? I can't believe you don't have your own assigned spot yet.
There's a limited number, so competition's tough.
You gotta wait for someone to either die or buy a Vespa.
Did I hear there was an assigned parking spot available? No, Fitzgerald.
My brother was just asking Yeah.
Whatever.
I've lost interest.
Why do jerks always have the nicest hair? So what are you doing here? Don't you have your "Divorced Dudes" meeting? Not anymore.
We well, we split up.
Well, it's probably for the best.
You know, now you have more time to focus on What exactly do you do every day? See? That's the problem.
You have Kim, Sheldon has those shady Russian auto parts guys.
Who do I have? Come on, Ryan! You are a great guy.
Smart, loyal you wear glasses.
Well, thank you, Danny.
That is true.
The point is, the world is full of people who would love to spend time with you.
Yeah! You're right! I have a lot to offer.
Damn straight.
Now get out there and get 'em.
I will.
Look out, world! Here comes Ryan White! To be fair, you did say "look out.
" Aw, crap.
It happened.
You're shutting down! We're not shutting down.
I'm just doing inventory.
Oh.
Good! Danny, there you are.
Good.
Listen.
I got a problem.
I just made a cool 10 "g"s.
How is that a problem? Depends on who you stole it from.
I made it selling these "holistic revitalizing focus-enhancers.
" "Pep" pills? These can't be legal.
Not anymore, but they were for a split second, and I managed to pocket five grand.
Wait.
I thought you said 10.
Yeah, but I already spent five on an electric fence.
You live in an apartment.
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kim.
I said "electric fence.
" Okay, maybe I'm not so good with my money.
Why don't you call my broker? Make a real investment for once.
I already did.
He gave me a hot stock tip, but it doesn't launch until Friday.
Look.
Just take this, and no matter what I say, don't give it back to me until then.
No.
Can't do that.
Remember when you asked me to hold your money so you wouldn't get a tattoo? Well, fortunately, I got something that's timeless.
It's Spider-Man high-fiving Jesus.
That is very disrespectful to Spider-Man.
Look, the point is, you know I can't say "no" to you.
Yes.
You are weak.
Not as weak as Ryan, but still, very, very, very weak.
What about you, Kim? Huh? You're cold, inhuman, oddly immune to my powers of persuasion.
Well, since you asked me so nicely, sure, I can hold your money.
You will? Really? Yeah, this could be a really big step for us, Sheldon.
Having your trust is the greatest gift you could ever give me.
And the greatest gift you could ever give me is not talking until Friday, and then giving me my money back.
You know, you can have that tattoo removed.
Have it removed? I'm thinking of adding a priest, a rabbi and the Wolverine.
Mr.
White? I have those photocopies you asked for.
Great.
If you could just put those on the Ryan? What are you doing? I'm filling in for Tanner.
- Who's Tanner? - Frankie's brother.
Who's Frankie? Works in the mailroom with Doug and Simone.
Okay.
We may need to find a different way to attack this.
Tanner's the intern I accidentally hit who's now out with a concussion.
Says he can "see sound" now.
Wait, so you're an intern? Well, yeah, just filling in until he gets back.
How hard can it be? These are just blank pieces of paper.
Yeah, that photocopier is crazy complicated! Well, on the bright side, you do seem happy to have a job.
To be honest, at first, I was just doing it to relieve my guilt, but the people here are amazing.
Everyone's so friendly! I mean, Anthony, Sally, Teddy, Micha Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Oh, hey! You should totally join us for lunch.
Pat and Patrice are going to show off their wedding photos.
Yeah I don't know who those people are.
Oh.
Besides, I've got to have lunch with the partners.
Hey, White, if you want, I could just tell them you're busy.
Nah.
I'm sure no one will miss you.
I hate his stupid face.
Sorry about lunch, Ry.
But just so you know How can I put this politely? Lawyers don't really eat with interns.
If you'd given me a moment, I could've told you how to put that politely.
Again, I'm sorry, but if I want my own parking spot, I got to spend some time with the higher-ups.
I get it.
Thanks, man.
Hey! Cappuccino later? Let's do it.
No, I mean get me a cappuccino later.
When you make the coffee run.
Kim.
Look, I know I told you not to, but I need the money it's an emergency.
What's the emergency? Well, it's a long story, but I found a deal on an 80-inch TV.
A TV is not an emergency! It is if it's "shark week.
" No chance.
Okay, missy.
You're gonna give me that money or Or what? Or you'll burn this place to the ground? Please say you'll burn this place to the ground, I'm so tired of taking inventory.
Sheldon, you entrusted me with that money, and there is no way I'm gonna give you a dime of it until Friday.
Okay, fine.
I gotta say, standing up to me like that took 'nads.
Well, thank you.
I knew this would bring us closer together.
You know, I think, for the first time ever, I see why Danny likes you.
It's your 'nads.
Okay.
I mean, you just don't see 'nads like that every day.
Especially lady 'nads.
Please stop saying 'nads.
I'll see you on Friday.
So then I said, "requisition form 549? More like requisition form 549-A!" Oh.
Hey, Danny.
Just a little intern humor.
You wouldn't understand.
Whoa! You're not going to sit with me? Ohh an audience with the King? But we're not wearing our finest cloaks! Come on.
You don't have to treat me like that.
What do you say, guys? I don't know, Ryan.
We're from two different worlds.
I don't think any of us really want to hang out with "them.
" I'll buy the first round.
Let's hear it for Danny! Anyway, so, apparently, McNaught just ordered a new desk, and I think we all know what that means.
What does that mean? He wore out his last desk making out with Nadine from family law.
They're a couple? No way.
Oh, and wait until you hear about your friend, Fitzgerald.
Rumor has it he's been sleeping with Mr.
Dowd's daughter.
What? Dowd is a senior partner.
How do you guys know all this stuff? We're interns! People treat us like we're invisible.
No one notices us.
Till they need staples ordered, or the toilet unclogged, or envelopes licked.
But we're always there! Always.
Yeah, we get all the dirt, though, obviously, we can't share that with anyone outside the circle of trust.
That's the intern code.
"The intern code"? The intern code! Okay, so we're taking that seriously? Oh! You okay? Yeah.
It's just my desk chair.
There's no support.
Ordered a new one, but it takes 6 to 12 weeks.
Huh.
Never know what's gonna be funny with you guys.
"6 to 12 weeks" is just something we tell the suits.
They come in a day.
We'll get you a new one by morning.
Great! Well to new chairs, new friends, and what the hell the intern code! The intern code.
You are a very intense guy.
Mail call! Well, let's see what you got here.
Evidence.
Evidence ooh! Gruesome coroner's report.
Are you reading my mail before giving it to me? Well, now, Danny, you told me that stuff is confidential, so how else am I supposed to know what's inside? Well, listen, thank your friends for me.
This new chair is amazing.
It heats, it massages.
And I swear, it's even got that "New chair" smell? What can I tell you? The guys loved you! It's not just the chair.
I mean, my WiFi is faster, my wastepaper basket is empty, and maybe this is just my imagination, but I think the florescents have stopped buzzing.
Yeah.
We can pretty much just turn that on and off.
Oh! Hey.
Some more gossip.
So guess which security guard has been fooling around with Sandra in billing? I'll give you a hint.
There's only one security guard! It's Lloyd! Ryan, I don't need to know this stuff.
Okay? Just keep me posted if you hear anything about a parking spot.
Right.
Well, about that a spot's come up, and they're giving it to Fitzgerald.
What? What does that guy have that I don't have? As of tomorrow, a parking spot.
Yeah, well, I bet the partners would think twice if they knew he was sleeping with Dowd's daughter.
Totally! It's too bad you can never tell anyone about that.
Yeah.
Although, technically Hey! You're in the circle of trust here, okay? And if you break that, they'll blame me.
And I'll lose all my friends! You just met these people, and this is just a temporary gig.
Not necessarily.
I didn't want to say anything, but well, some of Tanner's tests came back a little iffy.
Well, thanks, Ryan, but I think I could live with myself.
Oh, I get it.
A new parking spot is more important than your own brother's happiness! Fine.
If it means that much to you, I won't say anything.
Thanks, Danny.
Things are going so well here.
The last thing I'd want to do is break the intern code.
The intern code.
Ahh.
See? A place for everything and everything in its place.
Don't you feel better? If I say yes, can we stop? Fine.
We're done.
You can take out the garbage.
Oh, can I? Hooray.
My fortune cookie didn't lie.
Oh no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! What's wrong? Are you pregnant? I knew that was a baby-bump.
No! I lost Sheldon's money! Did you move the envelope that was in this drawer? No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I've been throwing things out whenever your back's turned.
The garbage! This is why I keep my money in my bra! Oh, look, I dropped a quarter.
I can't believe they're giving it to Fitzgerald.
I got to park three blocks away, in front of a marijuana dispensary.
Yesterday, I came out and I found three guys sitting on my hood, eating Fig Newtons.
That's great, Danny.
Congratulations on the parking spot.
You seem a little preoccupied this evening.
What would you say if I told you I lost Sheldon's money? What? You lost Sheldon's money? Look, I'm so screwed! Alright, I'll tell you what.
We'll tell him I lost it.
You gave me the money for safekeeping, and when I left your store a bird snatched it away? He'd buy that.
He's never trusted birds.
That is a sweet and terrible lie.
I have to handle this.
Sheldon trusted me, and I made a big deal of it.
I owe him the truth.
Well, you also owe him $5,000.
Another round for all my friends! Huh? Here's to 80 inches of pleasure! Whoo! Where'd you get money from? I thought you told me you gave that 5 grand to Kim to hold onto.
I did, but she caved and gave it back.
I'm assuming by "caved" you mean "held her ground" and by "gave it back," you mean you took it when she wasn't looking.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I said.
Dude, you're gonna have to tell her.
I know, I know.
It's just I can't take that "judgey face" she does, and all the "tsk-tsking.
" She looks like a disappointed squirrel.
Here comes that squirrel now.
Protect your nuts.
Sheldon.
We need to talk.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
You said you trusted me, and I thought that we were actually getting closer.
Look, Kim, before you s No.
I let you down.
I'm sorry, what? Sheldon, I lost your money.
I-I don't know where it went, but it's gone.
Can you ever forgive me? Well I guess I could try.
Mm! Hey, guys.
Man, it is really coming down out there.
And yet here you are, dry as a bone.
A treacherous, brother-betraying bone.
Do you have anything you'd like to say to us? Just that I got my own parking spot? But at what cost, Danny? At what cost? All right, fine.
I may have let it slip to one of the partners about Fitzgerald and Dowd's daughter.
But I had a good reason! Your thirst for the empty trappings of power and prestige? No.
I just didn't want to get wet.
You realize you gotta wear this, too, White? You vouched for him.
Anthony, no.
Please.
Don't shut me out! We're pals! Okay.
I can see that everyone is pretty mad.
Why don't you guys go make a coffee run, then we'll sit down and talk this thing through like equals? What's happening? We're outside the circle of trust.
Thanks a lot, Danny.
I hope it was worth it.
My desk! Ohh I may have made a terrible mistake.
Hey, White.
I Whoa what is that smell? I'm not sure yet.
But my good chair is gone, and they changed the name on the WiFi network to "Danny sucks.
" What's the password? "Balls"? What do you want, Fitzgerald? I just emailed you the McCauley deposition.
Dowd wants you to handle it instead of me.
Oh! That's really too bad.
Yeah, I heard someone ratted you out.
Yeah.
Some bastard screwed me.
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, White? No? Alright.
Cool.
Just had to check.
Wow! He is not a good lawyer.
Your mail, Judas.
Okay.
I am gonna guess the guys in the mailroom are messing with me.
Why do you say that? Oh, I'm expecting court transcripts, and this appears to be I'm guessing a mouse in a box? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.
No one in the mail room trusts me anymore, but judging by the squeaking, that's a safe bet.
Look, Ryan.
I know you wanted to feel included in something, and I took that away from you.
I'm gonna make this right.
You wanna make this right? You know what you have to do.
You mean? Oh, yeah.
Thank you for seeing me.
I'm a civilized man.
Can I offer you something? Americano? Cappuccino? Something from the Lost-and-Found? I'm good.
Look, I'm sorry I broke the code.
"The intern code.
" Yes, the intern code.
Look, you can do whatever you want to me, but you have to stop punishing Ryan for my mistake.
Yes.
Really? No.
Intern humor.
How does it feel to be toyed with, White? Alright! I'll do whatever you want.
Just let Ryan back into your weird little circle.
You'll do anything? Well, I don't like how you just said that, but yes.
I'll do anything.
Sheldon? May I sit down? Well, I don't know.
It might be a bit too soon, what, with all the hurt and disappointment I've been feeling.
I understand, but I really want to make this up to you.
What's this? Your $5,000.
But that's impossible.
Because, you know, you said you lost it.
I emptied my savings and cashed in a bond my grandmother gave me when I was 16.
Okay, Kim I can't take this.
Wait No.
I can't.
Why not? Because you didn't lose the money.
I took it back.
What? When? At the tea shop, when you weren't looking.
And, yes, you did leave me alone in the room with it, so, technically, it's your fault, too, but let's not split hairs here.
Sheldon! I know.
Look.
I asked you to be strong, and you were, and I betrayed your trust, and I'm sorry.
I can't believe you let me think I lost it.
I am so mad at you! Mad? And impressed that I felt bad and apologized? You felt bad? Yeah! And it's absolutely something I've never felt before, and never want to feel again.
Maybe you have more depth than I give you credit for.
Maybe.
Hey, you want to come over and watch "America's Next Top Pole Dancer" on my new TV? And maybe you don't.
Hey, White.
Did I see an intern parking in your new spot this morning? Yeah, I gave it to Anthony.
Gah! Giving an intern a parking spot? What's next? We get them coffee? Why would you give it away? I gave up my spot because Interns deserve as much respect as we do, nay, more, because they give us priceless service without charging a price.
What the hell are you talking about? Was someone making you say that? Interns deserve as much respect as we do nay, more Whatever.
I've lost interest.
There he is! So you back in the fold with the interns? Ugh, I wish.
Against all medical logic, Tanner made a complete recovery, so, obviously, my time there is done.
Well, at least you made a few good friends.
I don't know, Danny.
It's weird.
Outside the office, Anthony just seems like kind of a loser.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Ryan, you'll always have us.
Aww.
Thanks, guys.
Well, it's late, we're taking off.
I really cherished those few seconds together.
Well What, you, too? Hey, you're welcome to come back to my place and check out my new TV, if you want.
Sure.
Why not? Alright, but we gotta be there by 10:30.
The guy who installed the electric fence put it on a timer.
Found that out the hard way.