Paradise PD (2018) s02e08 Episode Script

1 How the hell did he find us? Oh, we're so fucked! We're completely and utterly fucked and we're all gonna die! Oh, morning, sunshine! What is happening, you guys? You blacked out on grain alcohol and missed the whole crossover.
With Big Mouth? No! Brickleberry.
Oh.
Pfft.
Family Guy in the woods? Meh.
Now Fitz's weird Patton Oswalt-lookin' goon has tracked us down and he's trying to kill us! But there's five of you and one of him.
He's a thug, Karen.
He probably has a gun.
Uh, you're cops.
Don't you all have guns? Stop shelling! I'm not here to kill you! But aren't you the Kingpin's henchperson? Very woke, but no.
The Kingpin only thinks I work for him.
I'm actually Fitzgerald's psychologist from Chicago.
Sorry.
Chicago makes me think of improv and I fucking hate improv! As I was saying, I'm his psychologist from Chicago.
Sorry.
Chicago makes me think of hot dogs, and I got really excited and pulled the trigger.
Listen! The Fitz you know is not responsible for all the horrors the Kingpin has rained down on Paradise.
Gerald Fitzgerald is trapped in a horrific prison in his own mind.
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm sick of pussy.
Oh, God! I think it's time you all learned about the Chicago incident.
It was Christmas Day.
Gerald Fitzgerald was the best cop in Chicago.
Low bar, but he had become obsessed with taking down a crime boss known as the Kingpin.
He was the most vile, hated monster Chicago had ever seen since Jim Belushi.
Fitzgerald finally got the drop on the Kingpin when he tried to pull a heist at the bomb factory.
Kingpin, we got you surrounded.
Let the tour group hostages go.
Not 'til you meet my demands.
I want a hundred million dollars and a getaway vehicle, a stealth bomber piloted by Mike Ditka.
Hmm, reasonable.
What else? One Chicago deep dish pizza.
Are you fucking insane? You like that slop with the cheese on the bottom? You wipe your ass before you shit, too? I'm the Chicago Kingpin! I'm fat, my sports teams suck, and I'm irrationally particular about my pizza! You get me that deep dish or we all go boom! Not too fast, Thester.
Build the tension.
Build the tension.
- Are the puppets really necessary? - Yes.
- Can I play with them later? - No.
Oh.
Fuck my life! One Chicago deep dish pizza.
No need to check it.
The fuck is this bullshit? It's Christmas Day! Nothing's open except Little Caesars.
So I stacked up three "Hot-N-Readys" and shook the box.
This is on you! No! Oh, my God, he's alive! Gerald was the sole survivor of the explosion, thanks to Little Caesar's "hurt locker" -like crust.
But the guilt over the deaths of the hostages fractured his mind into two personalities: Fitzgerald and the Kingpin.
I told you I wanted deep dish! I, the Kingpin, will get you back for this, Fitzgerald.
Oh! It's all my fault.
Those people died because of me.
Pizza, pizza.
I attempted to cure Gerald by trapping the Kingpin persona.
I created a prison in his own mind called Pussyland, that was based on a children's song my nana sang to me.
Pussy, pussy, pussyland Where the trees are made of cunts We don't care about your nana puppet! Get on with it! This ain't a puppet.
This is my actual nana.
I missed her, so I dug her up and had her stuffed.
She was a small woman, but had a big heart.
That's what killed her.
I thought Gerald was cured, but I didn't realize that the Kingpin was taking over his mind every night until the day he escaped.
Turns out rambling psychopaths don't make the best artists, but enough about Jim Carrey.
Ahh! Anyway, when you first met him, he was Fitzgerald by day and the Kingpin by night, but since his clown coma, Fitzgerald has been trapped in Pussyland permanently.
So, how do we get him out of there? Absolutely impossible.
Unless you happen to have a device that will allow you to enter him.
Yeah, which one you want? I got the Devastator, the Dildozer, and my personal favorite, the King Schlong Donkey-Dong.
I think he meant a device to enter his mind, Hopson.
Like this one I took from Dr.
Kuzniak.
Oh, I get it.
So you're pretending to work for Fitz so you can cure him.
Yeah, but when I found out about the nuclear weapons under Paradise, I had to warn you.
Paradise doesn't have nukes.
Actually, it does.
I cut a deal with the US government.
They get to stockpile defective missiles under Paradise and I got to write the Game of Thrones finale.
I even got the launch codes.
Fucking Obama.
- Yep, that's how I got the launch codes.
- Wh What? I don't care if we may die in a nuclear blast.
If there's a chance we can save Fitz, we have to try.
Fitz has put together an army of flipper people.
We don't stand a chance.
I'll bet Woody and the Brickleberry Rangers will help us.
Kevin, we couldn't license them for more than one episode, you idiot.
Oh, yeah? Well, then who are these guys? Hey! I'm Pauly Swanson and we're here from Bronckleberry National Plurk.
Goddamn these lawyers! He can't even say "park.
" Kingpin, we need to talk.
I heard about the nuclear weapons and I'm not taking orders from you anymore.
Oh I think you will.
Don't forget, I have something you care about.
Beautiful family you got here.
It'd be a shame if something happened to this photo of them! You monster! That's my only copy.
I bet you wish you bought that digital photo CD don't ya? You know how hard it is to get the perfect family photo? You know how many times we'd get dressed up nice just to have a kid drop Go-Gurt on his shirt? Or my wife smear lipstick on her teeth that I failed to notice? And if you manage to make it to Sears' portrait studio in one piece, what are the odds that not a single person is gonna blink, or get red-eye, or put up some goddamn bunny ears? In that case, it'd be a shame if someone blacked out your daughter's tooth, or drew a mustache on the baby, or a cartoon fart coming out of your wife's ass! Okay! I'll do what you say, you goddamn maniac! Since we're all probably gonna die, I want to get some things off my chest.
Mom, Dad, it was wrong to take Fitz's side over both of you, and I'm sorry.
No need to apologize, Kevin.
We never expect you to be more than a dumb fuck.
That's just who you are.
Thanks.
Wait a minute! Maybe you two should apologize for all the selfish, horrible things you've done to me.
And for being shitty parents.
We are not shitty parents.
You never even bothered to give me a middle name.
We tried, okay? But the nurse said it was a racial slur.
What in Dusty's blessed butthole is this? Gina, this is called a "wall.
" It's how China kept the Mexican White Walkers out.
Why the hell would the Kingpin build a wall around Paradise? I don't know, but if we're going to find out, we got to figure a way to get over it.
Maybe we should check Dusty's folds, huh? Good idea, Bullet.
Yeah, I was, uh, kidding.
The shit stick! How's that thing gon' get us over a wall? We ain't gonna make it! Uh, this is Paradise Air Traffic Control.
Everything okay up there? Negative, Tower.
I got five passengers and a service dog on a flying fat guy.
We're low on fuel.
Copy that.
Flying fat guy, low on fuel.
Wait, what the fuck? He burned through that cold can of ravioli faster than we thought he would.
He's down to spurts and squirts.
Roger.
Can you make it to Teeterboro? Negative, gotta put her down.
Brace for impact.
That's the Kingpin's new headquarters, but in order to get to him, you'll have to get through them.
Flipper people can't even make fists.
They're pushovers.
Not anymore.
The Kingpin upgraded them with state-of-the-art weaponry.
Wait, there's a manhole! And look, there's one right next to the tower.
That's my smart little dumb fuck! We could crawl through there and we won't have to fight them after all.
All right, time's up.
Let's do this.
Gina-a-a Jabowski-i-i! That bitch just ran in.
Goddamn it, Gina! It's too many of them! We're not gonna make it.
Gina, tase me in the chest.
- What? - Just do it! Oh, my God, he's dead.
Get some, bitches! Dusty! Thank God you're okay.
What's that sound? That's just my heart screaming.
His little ass will get tired in a minute.
Quick, to the tower! This is a perfect time for Nana to finish her little song about Pussyland.
If you wish to visit there Just lift my dress and part the hair Fuck you, Nana! Good job leading them into my trap, Thester.
So you're not on our side? I was until you punched my nana.
Now that you are all here, I can finally tell you my evil plan.
Why does Hopson have an erection? I get fear boners.
Anyway, I'm finally gonna get my revenge by killing Officer Fitzgerald and everyone he cares about in the most satisfying way possible.
Now to enact Operation DD, aka Operation Deep Dish! And now to arm the nukes to cook this town in 30 minutes or less.
You're turning Paradise into a giant pizza? That's really stupid.
That's dumb as shit, man.
I mean, it would make sense if I did it.
We are going to die inside of a fucking pizza.
Oh, did Obama let you write this finale, too, Karen? Maybe we can stop the nuke.
There's an emergency fail-safe station in Town Square, but it requires the current mayor's retinal scan.
So we got to break ourselves out of here, free Fitz from his brain-pussy prison, and get him there in less than 25 minutes.
Then we'd better get busy.
Clappers? Huh! There's no way we're trusting you.
You work for the Kingpin.
I had no choice.
He had my family photo.
Is there no limit to his insanity? But I still can't trust you.
You want me to earn your trust? Fine.
Tell me what you feel.
Violated! Conflicted! It's Well, it's growing on me.
Wait.
"Trust.
" I feel trust.
Clappers, you're on the team.
Now convince my tonsils to trust you.
There's a good chance we won't stop the nuke.
Dusty and Bullet, try to save as many of the townspeople as you can.
Get them to the bomb shelter.
We need to get the Legion of Dooooom away from Fitz somehow, so I can connect the brain device.
I'm on it.
Hey, uh, boss, HR is on the phone.
They say all the employees have to go to mandatory sexual harassment training.
Good.
I don't stand for sexual harassment.
Now, get your tight, sweet little ass down there.
Welcome to sexual harassment training Fuck, yeah! Who cares about orders of restraining? Not me! When you're done with this class You'll know how to harass It's the only way To make work entertaining Wait, you're teaching us how to harass? What don't you understand about "sexual harassment training"? You guys are scumbags, right? We thought you'd love it.
You may think that we are monsters And, yes, that might be true But one thing we believe in Is #MeToo One! Two! Three! Four! Bad guys Don't have to be bad at being guys Bad guys Don't have to be bad at being guys I might kidnap a baby And cut off its ear But I'd never, ever snap His mother's brassiere I may kill a hundred cops With a bullet barrage But I'd never give a female An unwanted massage I'll chop up a victim Until he is dead But I won't tell a coworker My twat needs to be fed You said that to me this morning! Bad guys Don't have to be bad at being guys Bad guys Don't have to be bad at being guys I may have sex with my taxidermied nana The song is over, isn't it? Okay, let's just put a pin in that.
Attention, citizens of Paradise! No big deal, I just need everybody to scoot your little butts to the bomb shelter.
What do we got to get to the bomb shelter for? Well, you see, Robby, the mayor's turning the town into a giant pizza.
No, he ain't.
Mayor Fitzgerald just tweeted "Witch hunt.
There is no pizza.
" Do you have proof of this fake news pizza? No, just that you're dick deep in marinara sauce.
Oh, now you libtards expect me to believe my own eyes? I actually saw this coming.
This just in.
Crooked Hillary wants to prevent Robby and Delbert from entering the bomb shelter.
Oh, hell, no she ain't! Don't take another step, or I'll glue your family photo into this "World's Best Grandma" frame and it won't make any sense.
Oh, my God! There are fingerprints all over it! Tell my family I'm sorry.
Ain't that a bitch? I can't hold him much longer.
Get Dr.
Duckfucker's device! Hey, HDMI.
There's a lock on the door that looks like nothing I've ever seen.
The only way to get in is to get me off.
We're fucked.
Now, do not worry, 'cause you all gonna be safe from the atomic apocalypse once we get y'all in this bomb shelter.
Dusty, small problem.
This bomb shelter only holds like 30 people.
Or you.
You're fat.
I guess I'll have to interview everyone and decide which citizens are worthy enough to get in.
Our new society's gonna need a doctor.
I gotta get my pills from somebody.
Well, you are a fine citizen, Dr.
Funtlichter.
You did help me get my cholesterol down to four digits.
But, on August 4th, 1999, I bent down to tie my shoe and split my pants and you laughed at me, so you get to die a fiery death.
Bye.
Next.
Okay, Dusty.
Surely you can understand how important it would be to have a chef in the shelter.
You're fat.
Oh, yeah! No, I know you.
I heard you donate all that food to the homeless.
But, three days ago, I bent down to get a half-eaten wonton out the gutter, split my pants and you laughed at me.
Have fun in hell, bitch! Bye! Well, Dusty, this is your grandmother.
I'm guessing she gets a free pass.
Oh, Grandma.
Well, jeez, I mean, you basically raised me.
And when my diabetes sent me into renal failure, you gave me one your kidneys.
But, when I was only six days old, I split my diaper and you laughed at me.
So have fun turning into dust, you goddamn bitch.
Bye! What do I do? It's so confusing.
Kevin, this is Mommy.
You need to gently caress the clitoris.
The cli-what? Slap it, Kevin.
Slap it! Women like it when you slap it.
No, we don't! Yell into it! Real loud! Try to make it echo.
Let me handle this! Grab the lips and make it flap around like a manta ray.
Shut up, Randall! Kevin, the vagina has different parts.
Three parts, Kevin - the labia, the thorax and the teeth.
You two shut up.
I got this.
Nothing's more sensual than sparkling conversation.
Now here's why My Hero Academia is one of the better anime in Japan's new renaissance.
It So dry! So that's what a female orgasm looks like! Kevin! Is it really you? It is, Fitz.
I'm here to bring you home.
Well, let's get the hell out of here.
What is that? He found us.
What are you doing out of pussy prison? I've gotten stronger.
Maybe instead of sending you back to prison, I'll just destroy you! You changed the channel right at the best part! It was getting too scary.
What is this? Well, it's completely empty.
Must be Kevin's brain.
Ooh! Maybe we'll get to see all the great memories he has of us.
Come on, Kevin.
Show Daddy a memory.
Well, our divorce is final.
Oh, Karen, what happened to us? Hun, people grow apart.
Ha! Just kidding.
We both know it's Kevin's fault.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe I can finally give him a middle name.
Kevin "I Shoulda Pulled Out" Crawford.
Or, Kevin "I Wish I'd Swallowed Him" Crawford.
Yeah, Karen, I wish I'd swallowed him.
After all, I did swallow most of his brothers.
Kevin, what a loser.
How do you want to do custody? You take him all the time? I'll see you in court about that! I know you were laughing when I split my pants! Don't you try to tell me it was just gas.
You can have fun using Satan's peter as a pacifier, you toothless, little bald fuck.
Bye! All right.
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
Every single person in this town has, at some point, laughed at you for splitting your pants? Yeah, everyone except you, Bullet.
So come on, let's get in the bomb shelter.
At least we gon' be safe.
Oopsie.
Dropped the key.
Argh, I split my pants! A bird flew into my ass! He's inside of there, scratching the living shit outta my B-hole! Now there's two birds in my ass! Ooh! They're either fighting or fucking in there! Get outta there, you birds! Maybe I can smother them on this tiny tricycle.
Why the fuck is this happening to me? Ha.
Et tu, Bullé? Fitz! Fight back! He's too strong! He's like God here.
This is your brain, Fitz.
You are God here! Ah! Officer Fitzgerald still has some fight left.
I guess you've forgotten about the 12 people who you got killed! No! You can't carry this guilt, Fitz.
You'll never defeat the Kingpin if you do.
But they died because of me.
Wait a minute.
These are all Instagram influencers.
And look! This is Logan and Jake Paul's third brother, Chaz Paul.
He was the worst one.
Fitz, dare I say, you did the world a favor.
What up, Chaz-holes.
The inside of this brain is lit, fam.
Smash that "like" button and I'll say the n-word.
Holy shit.
I did do the world a favor.
I am God here! Wow, Fitz.
You could have just killed him, but you gave him a female orgasm.
Ah, Fitz is back! What you all want first? A Fitz bit or a piccolo song? We've got five minutes to get you to Town Square or we're all dead! Oh, perfect.
This song is only three-and-a-half minutes.
Is it too late to get the other guy back? Here it is.
Yeah, I disabled that shit.
If you're seeing this, I guess you defeated me, but the Kingpin is getting the last laugh.
We're all gonna die.
I'm so sorry we were shitty parents.
It's okay.
I love you anyway.
Kevin, here.
I always carry a copy of your birth certificate, just in case I need to steal your identity and fuck my way through Thailand.
I think it's finally time to give you a middle name, after my grandfather, Pubesalad.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Wait.
"Pube Salad?" My name is Kevin Pube Salad Crawford? Can I just go back to having no middle name? No, you can't, Pube Salad.
Dobby, Dobby.
Dobby! Oh, it's great to see you, buddy! Too bad we're all gonna die.
If only we had some way to fly up there and knock that nuke off course.
Dad, isn't that your old police chopper? That just might work.
It'd be a suicide mission for the pilot, but it'd save everybody else.
I started out as a fake hero, but I want to die as a real hero.
I'll go.
Kevin, I have never been prouder of Dobby! Look! He's doing it like a real hero! Dobby! Dobby! Dobby rules! Kevin sucks! Come on, everybody.
Dobby rules! Kevin sucks! Dobby rules! Kevin sucks! Oh, Dobby.
Huzzah! Oh, I knew you could do it.
I knew you could stop both the Kingpin's nukes.
Wait, there are two nukes? Yeah, there's the other one right there.