Please Like Me (2013) s02e08 Episode Script

Yeah? I know you don't really want to see me or talk to me right now, and I'm still really annoyed about that.
But I'm leaving now.
Okay.
See ya.
See ya.
That was a weird choice.
- Thanks to: ivan_dnt - - For PLMBR - What are you watching? Anthony Robbins.
While smoking weed? Yeah.
Do you feel motivated? It motivated me to get food.
Well Tom, did you eat all my truffle macaroni and cheese? I didn't know it had truffle in it.
Come on.
You didn't even notice the truffle? - How do you afford truffle? - I don't.
It's truffle oil.
Patrick bought it for me.
Patrick.
No, it's not because of that, okay? It's 'cause it's expensive.
Well, I was hungry.
I didn't realize it was special macaroni and cheese.
- I'm very sorry.
- You will rue the day you ate my truffle macaroni and cheese.
Joshua? Yes, Thomas.
Did you build a barricade outside my door? Yes.
Okay.
Joshua? Yeah, babe? Did you turn off the Wi-Fi? - Yes.
- Josh, no, come on.
He ate all my truffle macaroni and cheese.
So here we are.
Claire, let me out.
How long are you planning on locking him in there for? Yeah, I haven't decided.
Claire, can you please let me out? No, I'm not getting involved.
You're just letting Josh win.
Come on.
No, it's not.
It's nothing.
I'm Switzerland.
Tom, by the way, yesterday you left your phone in the living room, and I took your phone, and I placed it on top of the barricade so that if you keep shaking it like that, maybe the phone would fall off and and smash.
And then you won't have a phone to call all the people you don't have in your life.
Just FYI.
Claire, can you at least just pass me my phone? No, I said I'm not getting involved.
- Okay, I gotta go.
- You can't go! Yeah, I can.
I'm free to go.
Maybe you can use this time to think about what you've done.
You know? Reflect.
How does he afford truffle? Patrick bought it.
So you ate the last of Patrick's affection? Yeah.
Ma, babe? Hi, lovey.
Why are you dressed like that? I'm going for a jog.
It's good for the brain.
Do you wanna come? - Can't.
- Why? Just sounds shit.
- God.
- Yeah.
Hannah, what about you? No, I can't jog.
My outer shell is not snug to my skeletal system.
Independent flesh is the enemy of speed.
- Come on, Hannah.
- No.
Can you motivate her, Josh? Yeah, Hannah, believe in yourself, and you can do anything.
Can I believe in not going for a run? Yes.
I gotta go, okay? I gotta look for a job.
Okay.
Good luck.
See you, Hannah.
Thanks.
Kisses.
Kisses? - Hey.
- Hi, Josh.
I didn't I didn't realize you were coming to visit.
You should've told me you were coming to visit.
What are you doing? I was I was reading.
Yeah? How was the, how was the hike? Just so much walking.
Just like a lot of walking.
You know what I mean? How are you feeling about Ginger? I get I get kinda sad every now and then.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Was that was that weird? - I - No.
I I am sorry about Ginger.
I just am kinda sick of talking about it.
No no worries.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Patrick moved out yesterday.
Right.
How was that? Fine.
Do you not like me? What? No, I I I like you.
Okay, but do you not see me as like a person because I'm in a psychiatric hospital? No, I I guess I guess I just I don't know, we kissed before Ginger died.
Is she relevant to this? I just I don't think she's relevant to this.
Yeah.
I think I just thought maybe, like, you weren't allowed to date.
What? Of course I'm allowed.
- Okay.
- Okay? Okay.
Do you want to go on a date? Honestly, this conversation has been so awful for me, I can't remember when How are you? - Ginger? - Yeah.
Do you know she stole my good socks? What, the diamond ones? Argyle, yeah.
What a little bitch.
She give them back? Yeah, she left them on my bed.
Well, that's pretty sweet.
They weren't clean.
How did the communists decide who gets to be a farmer and who gets to be like a poet if the pay is the same? Nobody gets to be a poet.
They're all farmers.
I'd make a terrible farmer.
Yeah, well, you'd make a pretty terrible poet, too.
I really hope we don't become communists, 'cause everyone's a team, and I'd feel like I was letting the team down.
I don't have enough to offer.
Well, that's why capitalism works.
If you don't do anything, then you won't get paid.
- Maybe I do prefer communism.
- Ha ha.
Hey.
Hey, sunshine.
Hello.
Hey, Tom.
Hey, buddy.
Hello.
Hi.
Claire says this is a fire risk.
Can I give Tom his phone back now? - Nah.
- Okay.
I have to finish my resume.
I can't imagine what you've written so far.
Tom, can you write me a cover letter? If you do a good job, I'll let you out.
Well, you'll have to plug the internet back in so I can send it to you.
Okay, I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
It's done.
Go.
I'm going on a date with Arnold.
So you've forgotten about Patrick then? You're going on a date with a mental? That seems crass, doesn't it, Tom? To describe him like that? Tom wishes he was a communist.
He's always going on about communism.
What do the communists do with mentals? I think they kill them.
They don't kill the mentals.
Well, I really hope we don't become communists now, otherwise, Joshua will never find love.
Why doesn't your mum ever come to visit you? She doesn't need to know I'm here.
She doesn't know? Honey, you gotta let her know.
No, she wouldn't understand mental illness, and I don't understand it enough to explain it to her.
I think you're probably underestimating her.
Her only cure for any illness is Vicks VapoRub.
I used to use that all the time with Joshua when he was a kid when he had a cold.
Yeah, it's good for that.
Not so good for sunburn.
Ouch.
I never told her when I got a urinary tract infection.
You're funny.
What, no.
I don't have any ink.
How am I out of ink? Ink's so expensive.
I genuinely can't afford to print the document to get me a job so I can afford to do things like print documents.
Well, why don't you just ask your dad? I mean, I just have to, don't I? He's always so annoyed.
He's so tedious about it.
I should be happy, right? I mean, I did my resume.
Yeah? I don't know.
Hi, Josh, this is Dad.
Yeah, I know.
I'm glad you called.
We've been talking it over.
I am gonna help you out.
That is great news, okay, because I've done my resume, okay? Thank you.
No worries.
You're welcome, but I don't have any money to print it, and I need you to give me money.
I need money for ink, please, Dad, to love you.
No, no, no.
Not with money.
No, just enough to buy ink to print my resume.
No, no, no.
Josh, I am gonna help you.
I have a plan, but I still don't trust you with money.
Sorry, you know, I just don't want you going off and spending it on something extravagant like caviar.
Okay, I understand.
Although I have to say I do think it would be quite odd if I called you to swindle some caviar all of a sudden.
Okay, let's not bicker about caviar.
I have a surprise for you I'm coming over.
Okay, bye.
Sending.
Okay.
What has he done? Here it is.
"Dear sir/madam" good idea, that's good.
"My name is Josh.
"I believe I am the perfect candidate for the advertised position of plus-size model.
" Tom, you're gonna be in there forever.
I'm not fat anymore, okay, Tom? It's not funny.
I'm sensitive about that.
"I believe many people will find my buxom thighs a refreshing change from the impossible standards set by Hollywood.
" It goes on.
"My major skills include baking cupcakes "that are a bit dry, "bullying, and taking sexual advantage "of mentally disabled people.
Kind regards, Josh.
" And then he's attached a picture of me as a voluptuous woman.
Tom, that is a very detailed sketch.
I don't take advantage, okay? I'm nice, if anything, he's taking advantage of my niceness.
He's a predator.
- Did you just draw this? - Yes.
I mean, you just didn't did you? Like, it's beautiful.
Well, what else am I supposed to do in here? I have nothing.
Well, I'm sorry, Tom.
I mean, we gave you a chance.
Claire, can you please turn off the internet? No! It wasn't always gonna be you.
It was gonna have a girl's head.
I only added you just now.
Nice day for staring at the tree.
Hi, Stuart.
Hi.
Hannah.
Mind if I join you? Sure.
Is Stuart's head on your thigh? Yes.
I'm done with this tree.
I'm gonna move inside and look at a plant.
See ya, Hannah.
I'm hungry.
Would you like some macaroni and cheese? I made some macaroni and cheese.
It's delicious.
It has special truffle oil in it.
Sorry, okay? I didn't know.
Maybe I'll get a pizza.
Me and Claire might get a pizza.
- Do you want a pizza, Claire? - Yeah, I'd like a pizza.
Will I be allowed pizza? No.
Can we get Mexican pizza? No, Mexican pizzas are stupid.
That does not make sense.
I'd love Mexican pizza.
Well, then maybe we should get a delicious Mexican pizza.
Nobody likes you.
I think that we should probably give Tom some pizza.
Okay, Tom, you can have some pizza.
But what you have to do is you have to order it, and when you order it, you have to ask for extra jalapenos except, instead of saying jalapenos, you have to say "jalapenos.
" That's the stupidest middle-class stereotype ever heard.
Yes, brilliant.
It will not be an issue.
No, I'm not doing that.
Can you get me a Hawaiian? Pizza, Pizzas.
Hi, I'd like to order two pizzas, please.
Yes.
Can I please get a Mexican pizza and a Hawaiian pizza? Okay, pick up or delivery? Thomas? Hey.
Can I please get that Mexican pizza with extra "jalapenos"? Jalapenos.
Yeah.
"Jalapenos.
" Hey, Dad.
- Good day, mate.
- Great.
- Hey, Josh.
- Hey, hello.
Hey, little lady.
Hey, Joshy, I got a surprise for ya.
That What's going on here? Tom ate all my macaroni and cheese, so I built a fort to get vengeance.
I thought you said you were working on your resume.
Yeah, I'm I have worked on my resume.
I finished my sorry, baby.
I finished it.
It's here.
Beautiful.
This is a drawing of you as a woman.
Tom did it.
Very, very talented, Tom.
Thank you, Alan.
Josh, piz pizza? This is this is a premium product.
Where'd you get the money for that? Dad, what's the surprise? While you've been here playing Dungeons & Dragons, mate, I have solved all your problems.
All of them? You had a busy day.
Well, obviously not all of them.
All right, all right.
I got you a job.
- No.
- Yep, I'm gonna hire you.
- No.
- Negative, always negative.
I bought you a coffee cart.
Wha You did what? I bought you a coffee cart.
A coffee cart.
I'm gonna lease it to you, and you'll pay me a percentage of the profits until you pay it off.
It's perfect.
What if there are no profits? What happens if there's no profits? Josh, do you know how much people charge for a cup of coffee these days? Three bucks, 50 that's how much.
Yeah, I think that this is actually good.
Thanks, thanks, Claire.
- Three dollars, 50? - Yeah.
How many coffees would I sell an hour, like ten? - Well - Like $35 an hour? - Yeah.
- Is that good? - No, it's not good.
- Well, it's more than you're going to earn sitting around here on - your fat ass, mate.
- Alan.
You're bringing my ass into this? Come on, Josh, just be grateful.
Can I, like, make adorable sweets and sell the adorable sweets on the cart? Yes, yes! Excellent idea.
That's it, well done.
- Okay.
- We've gotta go.
Sweetheart? We're off.
- See ya, Claire.
- Bye-bye.
See ya, Tom.
Bye, Alan.
- Going already? - Yeah, yeah.
Can we just stay here for a bit? No, Gracie's been out too long.
She won't go.
That's not her thing.
Yeah, come on.
Thanks, Dad.
See you guys.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
See you, Claire.
Bye-bye.
I think that's really quite good news.
It's not bad, is it? It's taking a while for it to sink in that it's just not horrible.
I think it sounds pretty good.
Fuck off, Tom.
Why do we all suck at relationships? - I don't know.
- Do we suck? Are we worse than most people? Yeah, and you're the worst.
Claire's not that bad at relationships.
- Yes, she is.
- Yes, I am.
She's only ever dated two guys, right? Both of them were her best friends.
One of them was gay, the other one is you.
Who, on top of being you, is best friends with her other best friend.
You're not my best friend.
Yeah okay, well, then who's your best friend, Tom? No one.
There has to be someone, okay? It's the best friend you have.
They don't have to be good.
It's just the best you've got.
I can be your best friend again.
All of Tom's dreams are coming true.
Best friends.
Thank you, Claire.
I'm looking forward to telling you all my secrets.
I already know all of your secrets.
Besides, it wasn't just you two.
I also dated that German guy.
- What? You were dating him? - What German guy? I thought you were just sexing him.
Why didn't I know about this German guy? She's very weird about it.
No, I'm not.
I don't care.
I can talk about it.
No, I'm not.
Do you have a photo? She's making a face that says, "Yes, I have a photo, but I don't wanna show it to you.
" I don't know why you need to see a photo.
Why, what's wrong with him? Is he disfigured? Germany has a lot of goths.
Did you sex a goth, Claire? Fine, just wait.
I just don't What does he look like? Fine, I mean, he's just so old.
No, he isn't.
He's a "dilf.
" Let me see.
I mean, he's pretty good, but, like, a daddy complex thing.
Show me.
No, Tom, you don't have phone privileges today.
Hey, Claire, I was thinking, after we let Tom out, we can move you into Patrick's room.
I can't.
- Why? - Josh I'm not staying.
I've told you that.
You know that.
I'm going back to Germany next week.
I didn't realize that was locked in.
I thought it was just, like, an option.
I thought that was up for discussion.
- No.
- What're you gonna do there? More forest sustaining? You have a job.
Why go back? Because it's where I live now.
I have friends there.
What friends? Who are these friends? All right, fine.
Maybe I don't have any friends yet.
She's going back there for nothing.
You're leaving us for nothing.
I'm sure I'm gonna find something.
- Arnie.
- Yeah, hi.
Is this an okay time? Yeah, of course.
Always time for Arnie! I just wanted to let you know I'm getting let out.
That's good.
Now you don't have to go on a date with a person in a psychiatric hospital.
- Cool.
- I have other news.
Yeah? My psychiatrist wants to meet you.
Is that a normal thing for a psychiatrist to want to do? I don't know.
I've been seeing her since I was 14.
She thinks we have some kind of bond.
Okay.
Is she gonna tell me about, like, all your weird secret, secret weird things? I did think it would be better for you to hear about my dungeon fantasies from her.
Yeah, I don't I don't have a dungeon.
I have a carport.
Does that work? Of course, Joshy.
Arnie! We weren't a bad couple.
Yeah, but, Tom, we weren't great either.
We just sat around.
I like sitting around.
We were cute.
Okay, yeah, fine.
We were cute.
Do you think it would've worked if you didn't leave? Tom.
I moved to Germany because I wanted to give you space so that we could be friends again.
I moved to Germany because we don't work.
We're still best friends, though, right? I don't understand.
You got so jealous of Jenny.
- No, I didn't.
- Come on.
You were so jealous of Jenny.
What the fuck? How long has Josh been there? I didn't get jealous.
I was just really annoyed that I'm now part of the same group as Niamh and a high school student.
Josh, can you please leave? Okay.
But it was different with you.
I actually liked you.
Well, Tom, of course you liked me.
I'm the only grown-up female you've ever been with.
Tom? Tom.
I need to pee.
He can get out? Yeah, he can get out through the window.
Josh, she's gone through your room, okay? We did a prank earlier, and it was gonna be really funny, but it's not funny anymore.
So, sorry for wasting all of your ink.
Okay.
And that's my truffle oil on your boobs? Yeah, well, this is how you were supposed to find out that Tom wasn't locked in his room.
I mean, not John, John cannot consent to this.
Why? The lid was on tight.
Tom is listening to his sad music in the bath again.
I know.
I fucked up.
Fucked up.
I mean, this would've been good.
Would've been good.
Yeah? Hey, I'm I'm sorry you're sad about Claire.
- I'm okay.
- Yeah, well, you know it's okay not to be okay, right? I'm sorry that you're sad about Patrick, even though you seem to have moved on very quickly.
Thank you.
Do you want a do you want a hug? No.
Yeah.
Come on.
- Don't touch me.
- Come here.
Please don't touch me.
Please stop touching me.
Good, yeah? Just put your arms just put your arms just.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's all right.
See, it's nice.
What have I interrupted? No, no interrupting.
Please join us.
Come, come.
Hey.
Nice, isn't it? Hey, buddy.
It's all right.
It's good, yeah.
It's all right.
It's all right?