Portlandia (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

Hey, I'm Marcus Harris! I'm Madeleine Harr-- Sorry about that.
I'm Marcus Harris.
I'm Madeleine Harris.
We're here to tell you, Portland, about all the new recycling bins.
- And guess what? - We're twins! You should say "We're twins" together.
Sorry.
I know.
You're right.
Sorry about that.
Guess what? We're twins.
Five years ago we went green.
This year we're going greener.
Now there's a bin for everything.
For card board and newspaper.
The blue bin.
Plastic and aluminum.
Black.
- Yard waste.
- Yeller.
Is that how you say it? - Yeller.
- Oh - What do you say? - Yellow.
Coffee cup sleeves.
Orange.
Stir stick -- Brown.
Cups -- Periwinkle.
Lid -- fuchsia.
Oh wait.
- There's lip stick on it, see? - Oh.
Lip stick lids, rose.
We did it.
What? - Broken umbrellas.
- And broken hearts.
Canary.
Hey! Why did you get these from my room? I have a sign up front that says boys only.
You're holding on to a lot of things.
Yay! I found it.
Lotion -- chartreuse.
Are you done? Lotion bottle -- green.
- Finger nails.
- And egg shells.
- Cobalt.
- I feel bad losing these - finger nails.
- I don't, they're gross.
- I know, but we don't know.
- We know.
- Could be worth something.
- Like what? Well, if we had, you know, Einstein's finger nails I'm sure they'd sell for a lot.
- Yes.
- Are you Einstein? - I am not.
- Then they're worthless.
Once it's all sorted, everything is recycled into one of three categories.
Clean air, Fresh water, or good vibes.
The other 97% of the trash is dumped into the ocean.
What is this, the Atlantic? Hello, everyone.
- Can you believe it? - We did it.
- In 10 years.
Women & Women first.
- A decade.
And look at this turnout.
Goes all the way back, three peop-- three rows.
Three rows deep.
When we started 10 years ago We had a dream and, I mean, it was the two of us.
I mean, there's Barbara of course.
But she's not here today.
And, you know, Barbara went on to other things and she made a whole lot of money, but you know something? We have each other.
Right? And we're here.
We're actually here.
And we will stay here.
For another ten years? For 500 years.
For 1,000 years.
We're looking in the future - Okay? - And hopefully, in 1,000 years, the real estate taxes won't be this high, the property taxes They go up these days Because I can't really handle that kind of a fee anymore.
Without further ado, we've provided some music on us, and please welcome, Angel and Sunny.
Baby, call me angel, gonna spread my wings Out wide -- you ready? Baby, come and love me, lord It keeps me satisfied Oh, my That's Barbara.
What the hell is she doing here? I'm sorry.
I thought it might be a good idea to invite her.
Look at her.
Must be her boyfriend.
I am so mad right now -- I really feel like taking two of the guitar strings from that guitar player and whipping everyone in the face; every person in this room.
And then, I want to take all these books and pile them on top of Angel's hair.
And make her walk around in the balancing act.
No music anymore? - It's so nice out.
- It's a great day.
- Little hike? - I think we're on to something.
Maybe Forest Park.
I say, let's do it.
Yeah, let's go.
I'd love to.
Do we have all the gear, do you think? Yeah, I've got my hiking shorts.
Yeah, I think I have everything.
- Yeah.
- Let's get the gear! All right, Dave, lets hike! That's pretty good right? - Yeah, it's great.
- What if it rains? You're right, let's get the rain gear.
You know what is amazing this time of year? The ferns and the lichens.
- Nice colors out there.
- You know what? I'm gonna get thirsty out there.
It's like a safety thing, we need water.
- Let's get the gear! - Get it! You know what? Darn it.
- Hook it on, babe.
- Darn it.
Go ahead and hook it on.
Darn it.
Darn it.
I don't know if people are going to see us though, that's the thing.
I'm worried about hunters.
I mean, am I being crazy? No, you're right.
We need to be visible.
- Yeah.
- We need our visibility gear.
- Yeah.
- Let's get it! What do you think? You know what? You really pop.
I want to go.
Like, I'm all set.
I just feel like whenever I look out at the horizon, it's always, like - I know.
- You know what I mean? - I know, why don't you get a hat? - A what? It's a hat.
It's like a circle with a half circle coming off it.
- We need that.
- Dave, I'm looking up GPS for us.
- How much is that one? - That one is 5,500.
- Yee - Or there's a used one of it for 5,300.
Get the new one I guess.
I want the top grade GPS.
- Yeah.
- We're going pretty wood deep here.
- No reason to skimp.
- We gotta get that gear.
Go get the gear! Journals, a couple of laptops.
- Okay, still have access.
- One more? I think we're good! - Right! Let's get the gear! - Getting the gear! We're going to have plenty of light.
how many lumens you're going to need.
It's more fun this way.
You know, the one thing we don't have, damn it, is the energy bars.
Oh, Dave, I can make those.
Goji Berry.
That looks amazing.
I'm getting the gear.
- Dave, get the gear! - Lots of gear.
This is the right shoe.
Okay, my last two toes don't separate.
This reminds me of the story of Cinderella.
Did I ever tell you that story? - Come on, let's get the gear! - Get the gear! Got the gear.
Are you ready to do this? Uh, I think so.
So, how long till the sun goes down? I think, like, another 15 minutes.
Ah, perfect.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you doing? My husband and I are going to a Portland Timbers game tonight and It's her first one.
And we wanted to make a really big sign that we could hold up at the game so that everybody knows what big fans we are.
Do-do-do Do you charge by the letter? Right, so, this is our sign here? Let's do, Go Timbers.
We hope you win.
Love Peter and Nance.
And guess what? This is our first game.
That's great.
You're good at this.
So bring it all down.
Did you ever think you'd see us on TV? Tick to the the right.
Tick to the left.
Tick to the the right.
Tick to the left.
Okay, zoom out again.
Zoom in to that "our.
" Zoom into the "our!" Sorry, I'm just Okay, zoom in -- more more, more, All I want to see is green.
Zoom in, in, in.
Here we go, let's start over.
Let's put a soccer ball in there.
Do another smaller soccer ball underneath it.
Now do another-- Can you do just a little smiley face? Now put stop sign, so the other team's, like, stop, you have no idea where you're going.
I'd also like people to know that this is gonna be printed on recycled paper.
Do you have a little recycle symbol? Now put, Byaaay! B-Y-A-A-A Byaaay! Lot of people say yay! I always say byaaay.
How are you holdin' up champ? Now, let's have the Champagne bottle.
I would like to put in the blood/alcohol limit.
So, what is that? A .
08.
Maybe a shout out to anybody that's pregnant.
If you are pregnant.
Celebrate with a soda.
That's good.
That looks good.
Move that up.
I like it, but it's just, it's not Let's scrap the whole thing, erase it.
- Let's do it again.
- Put it in delete.
And when I go, And when I go, make sure I'm wearing green and gold! Bury me in Timbers green, Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-- Shh! Wait.
Wait wait.
The TV camera's on us.
And we made a sign.
We worked really hard on this.
This is our cat.
And he's playing soccer.
And he's looking down at the game.
And he's saying, please, please win.
Meow, meow, meow.
Please, please win.
Meow, meow, meow.
Please, please win.
Meow, meow, meow.
Please, please win.
Meow, meow, meow.
I used to work with these ladies.
Years and years ago.
We started this place together.
Barbara.
Oh Toni, oh How are you? - You look great! - You look great.
We used to call her Toni Baloney because she ate baloney sandwiches for, like, a year straight.
I like baloney too.
Oh, and what does your, your boyfriend? What does he do? He's a basketball player.
I'm a professional basketball player.
Okay, sounds very violent.
What are you looking around for? I was looking for Candy.
Barbara, please.
I just feel like that's a bad idea.
She's just staring like, with daggers in her eyes.
No, that's just the way her eyes are shaped.
She might be a little bit angry.
She has a little bit of a beef with you still.
I can't hear you so good, Honey.
She has a little bit of a beef with you still.
About what? About the bed sweaters.
You know, that was her thing.
Look, it's a bed sweater.
I love wearing my sweaters to bed.
Wow, it's such a great idea.
- But she didn't do nothing with it.
- But she wore it.
But I'm entrepreneurial.
I'm inspired.
I went and made them, and sold them and made a lot of money, and then I even made night sweats for men, because at night he gets sweaty.
- I do.
- It's okay.
Okay, what's feminist about a bed sweater? - Keeps you warm.
- You know what keeps you warm? A good book, an idea.
Oh, I think, a good guy.
- Well, I don't.
- Ka? Okay, I'm gonna go talk to-- I'm gonna talk to Candice.
You go talk to her, and I'll be happy - to talk to her.
- It was nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you too.
- Is she crazy or what? - A little bit.
A little bit.
- Candice! - Toni get out of here, - This is dangerous.
- No, stop.
Do not light a fire in our store.
- I can't take it anymore.
- No, please, please! That looks like a man urinating.
Yeah.
How'd you know I was gonna burn it down? Well What were you going to do? I was going to burn it down.
- Just this aisle.
- Candice we have so much to look forward to, and if you burn this down, we have nothing.
Please just go over to Barbara and just talk to her.
All you have to do is talk to her for a few minutes and then we're done.
- Okay.
- Also, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
I'm just mad.
- Please! I'm not going to do it.
I just want to dump out the rest of it so it's not in the canister.
Hey, how are you guys? Thanks so much for coming.
You guys ready to dance? Real quick.
I gotta do some legal stuff.
Just to get it out of the way.
Does anyone here have any allergies? Allergies, the allergy monster.
Sorry about that, I'm just gonna have to ask you to go.
It's and insurance situation, that, uh Sorry, man sorry.
I don't know if you guys have ever been sued before, but it's not a whole lot of fun.
I only want to dance, and unfortunately, dance is and the other 10% are dealing with said law suits.
Okay, I want to tell you from experience, Charlie Brown is a copy righted property, even that shirt, the zigzag thing Charles Schultz is an easy, happy guy.
That company, that entity are very litigious.
Choose your icons and logos wisely.
Trust me on this one.
Yeah.
Did I teach you guys the dance move yet? No, uh, oh, wait till you see it.
All right, um Ready, and six, five, four, three, two, one! Thank you so much for coming, you guys.
Really, really great, you guys learned amazing.
I got another class coming in.
You were amazing.
Don't forget to not sue.
Oh, man, that window is filthy.
Michelle! The CSA thing came.
- Oh, great! Oh my gosh.
- Looks great.
Look at these peppers.
These are beautiful.
Wow, a little note.
You know what, I can't believe they deliver it.
This is great.
This is just, like, the way to go for summer vegetables.
- God, I wish they did this for everything.
- Aah! What is that? It's like a sculpture.
What is that? I guess I have the answer.
That is a durian.
A durian? A Malvaceae tree fruit.
Can you crack it open? It's too hard.
Well, I'm sure the people in the wilderness of the jungle don't think it's too hard.
This is so hard on the outside.
How did they know that this was a food? You know what; we gotta deal with this later.
We have Bryce and Lisa for coffee.
Oh right Strawberries.
- You know what I was just thinking about? - Hmm? I hate the idea of that fruit going to waste.
You can go online and see how they do it in their native lands.
Let's make it our goal tomorrow.
Let's just, let's open it, but let's enjoy it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- Good night.
- We sleeps.
Coffee time.
Honey, did you clean this window? No.
Thank you.
When would I have cleaned the window? I don't know, maybe after I went to sleep.
- I didn't clean the window.
- Okay.
UmI have an idea for breakfast.
Why don't we do a fruit salad? - We can use the durian.
- Great.
- Aaah! - Here we go.
What do they do out in the jungle? Ow! Smells good, I mean, it's gonna be worth it.
Yeah, and we want to use all the fruit, you know.
- Oh, god.
- That's not bad.
I bet you that's gonna do it.
Hold on, hold on.
Sorry, Gods of the southeast.
Pardon our ignorance.
Great speech.
Michelle, did you re-arrange these by - color order, the books? - Uh, no.
- I thought you did.
- No.
I didn't do it.
- Come on, just take credit! - No.
- They look great! - Oh, I think they look great.
God, I wanna just crack open this thing! Let's throw it.
I'm ready to just throw it.
Okay! But we should do it like a TV show, like a drama.
- Okay.
- All right.
I want you and your stuff out of my house! You tell the senator I want him on the phone right now! I love you! Aaah! Hut, hut, hut! Whose horses are these? Is this an earthquake? This is an earthquake.
Yes.
- We have to go down stairs.
- Both of us? This is the big one.
Are we supposed to get over something or under something? Is this normal for an earthquake? Oh look! The durian is waving at us.
Bye.
I never noticed the arm on it before.
Yeah, he must have been tucking it behind his back.
Yeah huh Well, we still have our property.
Yeah.
Can't wait for the next CSA.
Yeah.
Oh, She's alone; please go talk to her now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Barbara, how are you? - Candy.
- How's everything going? - All right.
- How you doing? - Good, thank you for coming.
Toni invited me, so I came.
Thank you.
We're doing pretty well for ourselves.
She says you're mad at me.
I'm a little angry.
Do you remember you got that award for business woman of the year about eight years ago - at the convention center? - Yeah.
I just thought that maybe you'd thank me since I was part of-- I did thank you! I have to admit, I was the one who was wearing sweaters to bed-- But I'm more industrious, so I thought "Oh, that's not a bad idea.
Why don't I see if it works?" And it worked, and then I went into men's sweats.
They're called night sweats for men.
- Which you didn't wear.
- You're right.
It wasn't anything personal.
- And you acknowledge that I was part of it.
- Yeah! - Hi, how are you? - This is my man, LaMarcus.
This is Candice, or Candy, Handy Candy.
- Okay.
- Welcome to Women & Women first.
Well, take your pick.
You get first pick.
- This is for me? - Yeah.
- This is great.
Thank you.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - Yeah? - These are new and I'm gonna call them the Candice Bed sweaters -- how's that? To make up for the speech I didn't say your name enough in.
- I have an idea for a product.
- What? I was thinking of, like an engineer's hat - Uh-huh.
- And on it, it says, train going forward and I'm the engineer.
What else? - Why don't you go look at some books? - Okay.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Well, you're too much.
- I do miss you.
I do want to see you more, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you.
It's okay, I was never really mad, I just I love you.
I love you.
Love you, love you, love you All right Get back to your man.
What's happening? Thank you.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Sleeps.
Are you asleep already? I'm still struggling with my light.
Don't go to dreamland without me.
Wait up.
Wait up for Uncle Brendan.
Mmm, it's a good sleep we're having.
Ahh, I forgot what to dream about tonight.