Reno 911! (2003) s02e08 Episode Script

All right, uh, what we are doing today is a sting operation.
We have placed a decoy spectra out here, Brand-new 2004.
It's kind of a bad neighborhood, And we only put about a shot glass worth Of gasoline in the tank.
They'll get about half a block, And then we just slap the cuffs on them.
What they do generally, They take them to the chop shop 'cause they can get more for them like that.
ridiculous.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we're gonna put a stop to that.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, excuse me.
What ? Uh Oh, my.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren blaring ) ( dangle ) so, if you see any of those suspicious sneakers, Just report them immediately.
Uh, last order of business.
Uh, we got a letter from the, uh, the kenny rogers people.
I guess he's coming to town to promote this book, Some crap like that, And they want some people for a security detail.
Whoo ! Me ! Please-- please yes, sir, please.
You, too ? Yes.
Super, done.
"the gambler" ! "the gambler" ! "ruby, don't take your love to town.
" ( williams ) who is kenny rogers ? Who is-- oh, hello ? "gambler" ? He's, like, the white lionel richie.
So, what we're gonna have to do-- I would say that lionel richie is the white lionel richie.
Who's the black lionel richie ? Could everyone stop pitter-pattering ? We have work to do.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Okay, go, go.
Dismissed, dismissed.
"who is kenny rogers ?" Go look out for the "rhinestone cowboy.
" Is he the one with the long braids, and he wears the scarf ? Willie nelson.
That's willie.
What are they doing out there ? If I gave a shit about kenny rogers, I would take them off of this assignment.
Quick draw, loser buys lunch.
Ready ? Go ! I feel like you lost.
I lost that one ? Okay, lunch is on me.
Got ourselves a narcotics search warrant here.
Sheriff's department ! Shoot it.
Hi.
Don't "hi" me, sister, where's the stuff ? What are you-- where is the stuff ? Where is the shit, sweetheart ? ! I don't know what you're looking for.
You don't know what we're looking for ? Don't know what we're looking for, huh ? No.
Just tell us where the shit is right now.
Where's the shit ? Like manure ? Fuck you ! Toss the room ! Don't fuck with me.
I don't know.
Tell me where the shit is, and I'll make it stop.
What do you do ? What do you do for a living ? I teach arts and crafts to the blind and the disabled.
Bull ! Bullshit ! You sell junk ! Bullshit ! ( shouting ) What's in here ? Am I hot or am I cold ? Am I hot ? ( shouting ) Hello No, my cat just died ! Oh, your cat died ? It just died ! Bullshit ! Stop lying, stop crying.
Stop crying, stop lying ( crying ) why are you doing that ? What's in here ? What's in here ?! ( vacuum starting ) What do you got ? Lady, where is the shit ? We got nothing.
You got nothing ?! You made a mistake.
Bullshit ! number six.
I'm number nine.
The nail fell out.
( sobbing ) Sorry, have a nice day.
She had it coming, really.
We're looking for, uh, number six.
No, that's number nine.
No, we just did that, we're looking for six.
9, 10.
Okay.
Well, no, we're looking for 6.
( together ) Shit ! Shit ! Shit ! Here we go ! Ahh, shit ! It's still open.
Freeze, lady ! Freeze ! Drop the shit ! Drop the shit ! Goddamn it ! There he is.
My god, my god.
How you doing, mr.
Rogers ? Pleasure to meet you.
I'm james garcia, reno sheriff's department.
Nice to meet you.
Wow, it's nice to meet you.
Boy, when they gave us this assignment, I jumped up and said, "the excitement's in the playing the cards, not the watching," Like in "gambler iv," brady hawkes.
Hey, I want you to meet my partner, This is deputy wiegel.
Deputy wiegel.
A pleasure, sir.
We're gonna be providing security-- What is all of this ? I'm your decoy, sir.
Decoy.
Yeah.
We're gonna be providing security To and from the event, at the event itself.
Okay, well, let's go to the limo.
Actually, sir, the limo's for the decoy.
They would be expecting you to arrive in a limo, So I'm gonna arrive in the limo.
We will be taking an alternate route.
( clears throat ) Thank you, pardner.
Thank you.
Oh-ho ! Well, there Oh, lordy.
All right, mr.
Rogers, right this way, if you could.
Just put on this coat.
Checkpoint one, we're clear.
We're go, we're coming in.
The gambler is coming in.
Sir, back off ! I can't believe I'm in a holy squad car With brady hawkes-- wow.
Big fan-- brady hawkes.
Oh, so you do know, that's good.
You know, I'd like to say I'm a big fan of all your movies.
Hey, truth be told, I think you're a great actor.
Well, thanks.
I kind of like your movies more than I do your singing.
Really ? That gives me confidence to get out there And maybe act some more.
I think you should, I really think you should.
Time to leave that other, you know, singing stuff behind.
Oh, you mean don't sing at all ? Yeah, I think it's time to move on.
I could see you getting up there and winning an oscar-- Don't sing at all ? Well, you know, give it a rest a little bit.
Well, if it's all the same, I'd like to kind of get there as soon as possible Because I have some things I need to do.
We're on schedule.
We got about another hour, hour and a half.
To drive ?! I wrote a song, by the way.
You're not gonna sing this for me ? It goes, like, uh, ♪ woman, I'm your man on a horse ♪ ♪ and I know you love me ♪ ♪ woman, I will protect you-- ♪ So Do you notice any similarities To lionel richie's song "lady" there ? No-- "woman, I'm your man on a shining horse"-- "lady, I'm your knight in shining armor, And I love you.
" "woman, I'm your man, I'm on a horse And I love you.
" I said, "you love me.
" Oh, well, that does put it in a different place, doesn't it ? I mean, there's a chance-- Do you know what the world "plagiarism" means ? It has nothing to do with a flag, I'll tell you that right now.
( williams ) oh, mama, please ! Please talk to daddy ! I love ebay, and I wanna marry him ! Oh, lord, james, listen to the girl.
Her heart is breaking.
Florida, that girl ain't marrying no ebay.
I need another puppet to be j.
J.
You know, "dyno-mite !" I need a Let me see your sock.
Dyno-mite ! Dyno-mite ! Sheriff's department ! ( indistinct shouting ) Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department ! What the hell is that ? Sheriff's department ! Shut the hell up.
Now, what the hell's going on in here ? Why don't you tell them what the bet is ? Go ahead, explain it.
You'll see why I'm in this situation.
It's a really good shot, watch.
Hit it to the 11, Hit both the blue ball and the stripy blue ball.
It's gonna hit the 1, to the 7, Hit the red 3, All the way into the middle pocket right there.
Bam, right there ! That's it.
It's a joke, it's a joke shot.
Yeah, shut up.
I can do it.
Travis, sidebar.
Shut up and shut up-- sidebar, travis.
What do you mean when you said sidebar ? Come over here by the side.
Oh, oh, oh.
I have my bank card.
I got a bank card, a.
T.
M.
's right there.
Think she'll take our money ? What she gonna do, turn away money ? ( mocking tone ) "I hit a stripy" Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do it.
My partner and I happen to have cash money And would love nothing more in the world Than to see you perform the shot With the stripy and the I'm waiting with bated breath.
Ohh ! Ow ! Come on, baby, come on ! Good morning.
Morning, sunshine.
( man ) is that you ? Come here, let me in, man.
What you doing out here ? Well, maybe you guys can actually help me.
My fraternity brothers locked me out.
I passed out, and I woke up, and the doors were locked.
You been drinking ? N-- last night, yeah.
I passed out.
Open your mouth, please.
You got anything inserted in there ? No, no.
Do you guys want a beer or anything ? Go for it.
Go for it.
Excuse me for one second.
( johnson ) yes.
Mmm Empty.
You are gonna have to come with us.
Your friends aren't letting you in And all this hollering and screaming You're doing out here-- unacceptable.
Get you some breakfast-- ( horn honks ) Take some pictures of you to make sure you're okay.
Is it breezy to you guys ? No, I'm good.
No, it's not breezy.
But I am hungry.
I like that one scene, uh, when you get-- The pinkertons think you're in the whorehouse, At franny parson's.
Where ? Franny parson's place.
Inside the whorehouse with the whores.
How many hours a day do you work ? Is that all you do is watch movies ? Oh, I do know this, I read it on your website.
I'll do the last line in "gambler v," When she says, "is he gone ?" You say, "nobody's gone until they're forgotten.
" "until they're forgotten.
" It will be a long time before I forget you, garcia.
I'll never forget brady hawkes, especially in "gambler v.
" Oh, god.
Please, god.
When that lillian Yeah, wiegel, this is garcia.
Where the hell are you ? ( wiegel on radio ) I think I'm in a shoe store.
Okay, the guys have referee shirts on them ? Um, yes.
I think I'm lost, and I'm freaking out a little bit.
If you look to your right, There should be that orange julius in a food court.
Head towards the food court.
Jim, there's a dancing pretzel up here you have got to see.
It's a guy dressed as a pretzel, And he's dancing-- yes, thank you.
He's giving out free samples of pretzels.
That's nice, wiegel.
I can't leave kenny alone, I've got to stay here, okay ? So say "hello" to mr.
Pretzel for me And come down the escalator.
Okay, I'm coming down the escalator.
Jesus christ.
I got mixed up around the up and down escalator.
Yeah, down goes down And up goes up.
I know that now.
I don't know how much he told you about what just happened.
I got caught up on the third floor in a jan's jewelers.
The next thing I know, I'm all turned around.
I have total dysplasia, I'm so confused That's frightening.
Woo, I'm okay, though.
We're all here, we're all okay, it's all okay.
There is a guy up there dressed like a pretzel That you ( laughs ) You really should see.
You can go up there-- I don't know how he does it.
He's in a foam costume, this guy.
He's got his face coming out like a piece of salt, And his arms must be wrapped in some kind of crazy concoction.
And somehow still, he's able to give out Samples of pretzels like this He's a good guy, he also plays santa claus at christmas.
Oh, same guy ? You could go up there, Take a picture with him for a buck if you want.
Will they charge us $3 if we all go ? I don't know.
Well, you're kenny rogers, though I don't have any money.
Yeah, but I don't like to throw that around.
I'd just as soon not say who I am.
If we go up, I'm going as john q.
Public, okay ? That's a harder name to say than "kenny rogers.
" Well, let's open the doors and let them in, What do you say ? The doors are open, sir.
They've been open for two hours.
About two hours.
Oh, shit.
( man ) we don't exactly know what Hey, check it out.
Holy shit, that's gene kennedy.
That's channel four news.
Sir, hi.
Hey.
You're the witness to what happened here ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was crazy, man.
I was in the strip club, right ? And all of a sudden I got a little headache 'cause the stripper smell-- The stripper smell was getting-- "the stripper smell" The stripper smell was getting on my nerves, right ? I couldn't take it, right ? So I came out here to get some fresh air.
Next thing I know, there was a gun, right ? There was a dude, first.
"the dude had a gun" The dude with a gun, he was a big dude.
How big ? How big ? Average to smallish maybe then, really.
For little people, he was a big dude.
To a little person, he was a big dude.
Was it a white guy, black guy ? Exactly, exactly right.
Biracial ? Bi I don't-- you know, he could be.
"could've been biracial" But it was a fast-- People are so mixed today, you can't really tell.
It's like mariah carey.
Mariah carey-looking.
And then I hear this, "ohh, I've been assaulted ! I've been assaulted !" That's when I knew someone had been assaulted.
Next thing I know, I hear the stomping of the feet, So I'm thinking he has shoes on, right ? He has shoes.
You're thinking he has shoes on, you're thinking.
And he was running, running, running.
I was gonna go, "hey, let me stop you.
Let me stop him.
" "no, don't !" Next thing I know, someone's like, "oh, oh, the police are coming here" Um I think he's blind.
He's fucking blind.
I'm telling you, everything I know.
It's emotional for me, it's very hard, I-- Uh, ahem, sir Sir, you've been very-- this is really great.
Sir, we're gonna take your lead, We got all your notes.
We are gonna hit the streets like bats out of hell.
I think he went either left or right.
One of those directions.
Either left or right.
You've been very helpful.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Gene's doing a live feed to the news, watch this Hey, kennedy ! Hey, come on.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, channel four.
It's done, all perimeters are secured.
So far, so good.
Good job.
Excuse me, but what is going on here ? We're-- we've got everything locked off, you're safe.
Well, of course I'm safe, there's no people here.
I mean, where are the people ? What people ? What-- I'm here for a public book signing.
I put up posters all over town-- We took those posters down, 'cause it was very dangerous.
Sir, you're a very famous man And we didn't want anyone to get at you.
Wait, wait, wait You took my posters down ? Yeah, I mean, that's like a treasure map to murder.
You know what this is gonna do to me in the community ? I mean, people come by And check to see how many people show up to these things.
That really kind of determines what your stat-- Do you know what this makes me-- This makes me look so foolish.
Oh, yeah, pick up your free fucking book On the way out, okay ? Kenny rogers.
Hi.
Kenny rogers, man.
What condition is your condition in, kenny ? It's fine.
I love you, gambler ! ( gunshot ) ( woman screams ) ( gasps ) Oh, shit, oh, lord.
Oh, dear lord.
Kenny ! Move back, let him breathe.
Kenny, kenny, kenny Are you okay ? Get-- g-get me-- He's saying something.
Get me-- get me-- get me mall security.
He wants mall security-- security ! I need someone to protect me From you guys.
Good afternoon And welcome to driver safety school ! All of you scofflaws have found yourself in here Because of your disregard For the law of the state of nevada ! You people make me sick to my stomach ! You people are the reason that our highways Are a tangled mess of blood and chrome ! The state has decided that you will undergo Eight hours of driver safety training, And then you will be given a test After that eight hours of driver safety training.
And for this service, we are paid $31.
50 Before taxes.
We could make more at arby's.
So, what do you say we call it a day And we all go get some arby's and then hit it, huh ? Okay ? "I'm not gonna do anything bad," everybody ? Good, we're good.
Good job, everybody.
( sighs ) Okay, kenny.
You're gonna be okay.
You're gonna be fine.
Take care, sir.
Thanks.
Nice spending the day with you.
Well, that didn't, uh-- that didn't turn out great.
But you know what ? We did the best we could.
I thought so, too.
I thought we were cops, and we were a team.
Yeah, we were a team, and we stayed together.
God bless us, we did what we could.
Good job.
Good job.
Did you just kiss me ? Uh No, I was leaning in.
No, you leaned in, and then you kissed me.
No, I was just gonna say "good job.
" I think you came at me, so, uh Did you just kiss me because I look like kenny rogers or I don't know I can't say.
That was weird.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna call it a day.
I'm this way.
I'm this way.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
♪ a, d, g, b, d, f, g G, d, b, a, g, f, d ♪ I took some classes.
Classical-- classically trained.
I trained-- I trained classically.
I took one jazz dance class.
Really ? Yes.
What did you learn-- What do you learn if you only take one jazz dance class ? The first thing I learned ? Don't be late, 'cause the lady's very picky about that.
The second thing I learned, Leg warmers are apparently out now.
I learned that the hard way.