Retired at 35 (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

I'm never gonna find someone like him.
No one's ever gonna love me.
Listen, I know it's hard, okay? But you're strong.
You've been through way worse breakups than this.
I mean, who was the guy that broke up with you at your birthday party while he was toasting you? Joey.
And then who was the guy who just drove by the house and yelled, "I think we should see other people"? Remember? He was driving your car.
That was Eddie.
And didn't a guy actually pretend to be gay once? Okay, I get it! This is different.
You don't have to babysit me.
Are you sure? Go.
Enjoy your happiness.
I don't want to bring you down.
Well, as long as you're good.
I got it, I got it.
Hey, Brandon, what are you doing here, man? I thought some flowers might cheer Amy up about the breakup.
I got these from a neighbor's garden, but I'm gonna tell her I bought 'em.
All right, listen, this is my sister, okay? And she's in a very vulnerable state, and this is a sensitive time and-- Oh, gotta go.
Tread lightly.
Hey, Brandon, you brought me flowers? Yeah, I just wanted to say, you know, sorry about the dumping.
Oh.
These have dirt on them.
Yeah, they're organic.
Oh.
Thanks.
You're a good friend.
Oh, it's okay.
Let it out.
I'm here for you.
I'm just really upset about breaking up with Jared.
I have this huge secret, and I can't tell my family because they'll all judge me, especially my mom.
Okay, I'll put the flowers in a vase.
You get going.
No, I'm late late.
You're pregnant? Maybe.
Oh, man.
Man.
Have you told Jared? What am I gonna say? "I still have a few of your things, and one of them's in my womb"? Just checking.
It couldn't have been from our kiss, right? No, no, that's silly.
Everything I've ever read says no.
So Mom sold her condo, huh? - A lot of stuff.
- Oh, yeah.
And right now I'm moving that armoire over there for your mother.
She wants it four inches to the left.
So you are moving it telepathically? Trust me, son.
I know what I'm doing.
- Why didn't you move that? - I did.
Oh, for the love of--Alan, are you doing that thing where you pretend you did something and then hope I won't notice that you didn't do it? What, me? No.
Oh, forget it.
I'll just hire someone to move it.
Class dismissed.
- Hi, Mr.
R.
- Brandon.
David, can I please see you in the kitchen? You can say whatever it is in front of my dad.
He doesn't listen anyway.
Right, Dad? - Huh? - Kitchen, now.
What is it? What's going on? I got news.
I got huge news.
- Tell me.
- I can't.
So you came by to tell me you have news you can't tell me? Huge news.
It's something that could blow your whole family apart or bring you closer together than you've ever been.
Anyway, now you know.
Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no.
If you know something that affects my family like that, as my best friend, you have to tell me.
I can't.
The best I can do is if you guessed it, I could probably tell you that you were right.
Okay.
Uh, all right.
You were just at Amy's.
- So-- - Right! She's pregnant! What? My sister is pregnant? Well, she's not 100% sure, but she did miss her period, and you know her.
She's like clockwork.
No, I did not know that.
Brandon, good.
I won't need the movers after all.
You and David can move it.
Oh, but, uh, we already moved it.
Please.
Your father can pull that off, but you're an amateur.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Hey, look, everybody, it's Amy.
Oh, Mom, doesn't Amy look beautiful? Sure she does, especially for someone who has just had another tough breakup.
Don't worry--there are bigger, better fish in the sea.
I hope.
Amy, how are you? How are you? How are you? - What's with you? - What is with you? Dad, maybe it's best if you smoke that outside.
Maybe it's best if you get your own house.
David, can I talk to you for a second in the kitchen? Brandon told you I might be pregnant? What, so you don't know for sure yet? No, I'm too afraid to find out.
I've been carrying around this pregnancy test for three days.
Amy, not knowing doesn't help anything.
It's not like the baby's not gonna come out in nine months just 'cause you don't know about it.
Don't tease, okay? I'm scared.
Well, hey, listen, um, I'm here for you, okay? Yeah.
I'm just not sure anyone else will be.
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding? Mom's gonna be all over this.
No, she's not.
This is just gonna be another disappointment in a long history of letting her down.
I didn't get into the right college, I never dated the right guys.
I don't look the way she wants me to look.
Hey, Mom loves you.
I know she loves me.
Look, I know, she rarely says it, and--and she pretty much never shows it, and her way of helping may seem really unhelpful, but--but when it matters, she's there for you.
You think that because you're the favorite child.
Mom's always been there for you, but she hasn't always been there for me.
Face it, we haven't always had the same mom.
Sis, no matter what happens, I am gonna be right there, by your side.
Well, then I guess it's time to go pee on a stick.
I'm not gonna be there for that.
What's going on, man? Amy's in there doing her pregnancy test.
Oh, here's something I should have told you earlier.
Don't tell her I told you.
Oh, hey, Amy.
Everything cool? David, can I talk to you for a second? Okay, good.
I'll be out here, minding the hallway.
Look at it.
I can't look.
- Okay, did you pee on it? - Yes.
All right, one sec.
It's urine, not battery acid.
David.
Brandon, what are you doing? Nothing.
Is there a line for the bathroom? Yes, big line.
Brandon, what's going on? Okay, I have huge news, news that could blow your family apart or bring you closer together than you've ever been.
But I can't tell you.
How much did you pee on this? A little? A lot? Enough.
The instructions say to douse it.
"Douse the pee stick.
" Did you douse it? Yeah, yeah, I doused it.
Do you want me to pee on it again? No, no, no, no.
God, no.
- Okay, well - Well, tell me.
Okay, no, no, don't.
Okay, no, do.
Do, do, do.
Wait, don't.
Don't, don't, don't.
Okay, do.
Negative.
I'm not pregnant.
How about that? Sis, when the time comes, you're gonna make a great mom.
Thanks.
I guess the good news is that I don't have to worry about facing Mom.
Oh, honey, I'm so happy.
Is it true? Amy, isn't there something you want to tell Mom? Mom, I'm pregnant.
Oh, wow.
That's a lot of food, Mom.
Well, you're eating for two now, honey.
David, bring that chair over here so your sister can put her feet up.
Oh, Mom, I don't think she needs a chair.
I mean, she's barely pregnant.
Like, barely.
Well, that's a good point.
When are you due, honey? Oh, you know, a few trimesters from now.
Uh, hard to tell.
Amy hasn't even been to the doctor yet.
You must have some idea.
You know, Dad, it's not good luck to talk about due dates.
Oh, look at you-- already all maternal.
I was the same way.
David, get the chair! So, sweetie, what did Jared say? I mean, I assume it's Jared's.
Well, Jared and I haven't really been in touch.
He's gonna need to know at some point, honey.
Somebody's gonna have to pay for this baby.
I mean, we'll help, of course.
Kids are expensive, especially when they hang around too long.
Do you need anything, honey? I mean, after all, you are making our grandchild.
Hmm.
The baby wants a cookie.
Alan, did you hear that? Our baby's baby wants a cookie.
I mean, isn't that the cutest, most wonderful thing you've ever heard in your life? Elaine, it's just a cookie.
Hey, what are you doing? You're not pregnant! Oh, she's not? Right, David.
Tell that to her missing period.
Hey, you guys, keep it down.
Brandon, look, I'm not pregnant.
I never was.
The test was negative.
What? You've been lying about this? Well, I know it was wrong, but the way my parents looked at me, it felt really good.
I mean, really, really good.
I just couldn't disappoint them.
Okay, good, that's fine.
But you do realize-- Look, I'll figure something out.
There is an option.
I can impregnate you right now if you like.
Right now, swear to God, I'll do it.
Thank you, Brandon.
So is that a go? Brandon.
I know.
I'm so funny.
Look, David thought I was serious.
Idiot.
Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
Good news.
We're going to the baby doctor in the morning.
Great.
Oh, I cannot wait to see that ultrasound.
Ah, I'm gonna be an uncle.
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? What's gonna happen? I'll tell you what's not gonna happen.
You're not gonna give birth in nine months Not without help.
Okay, time to go to the doctor.
I know, David.
Why do you think I'm freaking out? Why do you think I'm eating cake at 9:00 in the morning? I don't know.
I assumed it was pregnancy cravings.
I will cut you.
So it has occurred to you that this doctor might be able to see on his sonogram that you are not, you know, "with child"? - Amy? - Are you here? Oh, man.
Oh, man.
There you are.
We have a little surprise for you.
What is it? We ran into someone who was very interested to hear about your condition.
Oh, my God, they brought the doctor to you.
Come on in.
Jared.
Hey, Ames.
Guess who's paying for the baby doctor? Jared, what--what--what-- what are you doing here? Well, your parents told me what's going on.
- They did, huh? - Wow, look at that.
You're having a baby? You're having our baby? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, Amy.
Oh! So, a baby-- this is awesome.
Why didn't you call me? I don't know.
I wasn't sure how you'd react.
And she was waiting to make sure it was real.
Honey, Amy, baby, love, this is massive news.
I've been missing you bad.
I want you back.
But, Jared, despite this baby-- Wha-ah-ah.
This gift.
We broke up for some very real reasons.
We did, but we can get past your brother and his idiot friend and your family meddling in our relationship.
They're just looking out for you.
Love you all, really.
When I heard the news that I'm gonna be a dad, I don't know.
At that moment, I felt like I became a man.
I want you, and I want to build a family and a life with you.
Amy Oh.
Will you marry me? Oh.
Pregnancy and then a proposal.
I got it all on video.
Mom, don't do that.
Oh, you look gorgeous from this angle.
Don't worry.
Now it's time to go to the doctor and then, mister, you need to put a ring on that finger.
Really, Amy? Um, guys, there's something I need to tell you.
Well, what is it, honey? Oh, God.
There's something I have to say.
Oh, it hurts.
Oh, did the baby just kick? Not exactly.
What is it? Amy, what is it? Um, I may be a tiny bit less pregnant than I said before.
What? Actually I'm not pregnant at all.
I never was.
Oh, Amy.
So this was all a lie? Yes.
You probably hate me and never want to see me again.
So I'm not gonna be a dad.
No.
I'm sorry, Jared.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Okay.
You're not pregnant? You let me think--? I cannot believe this.
How could you lie to us? We bought a high chair.
Boy, this is uncomfortable, huh? Why would I say that out loud? Well, I guess you probably want to go too.
You'd think so, but I don't.
What? Amy, the circumstances may have been fake, but the feelings were real, and pregnant or not, I miss you.
I want you back.
- Really? - Yeah.
And the proposal, did you mean it? I did.
That was kind of colored by the pregnancy.
You know, I was very emotional about the baby.
Yeah.
So what do you want to do? Well, we should get back together, for sure, but I think maybe we should just move in together again, work on some things, and see how we do.
How's that sound? That sounds great.
Good.
I'm so glad that you called me.
I felt awful about lying to you.
You should.
You know, in the old days, I would ground you for lying, but now All I can do is give you the face.
Oh, no, Dad, not the disappointment face.
Yeah.
I'm gonna give you the face.
I know, I know.
I just got carried away.
I'm so sorry.
And there's someone else you need to apologize to.
She's in the kitchen, knitting-- angry knitting.
Dad.
Dad, please don't make me.
That's worked on me ever since I was four.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, soon-to-be mom.
Oh, wait.
Mom, I'm so sorry.
These were going to be booties, but now it's a hat for your father.
Mom.
Why did you lie to me? I don't know.
You just seemed so happy and-- You let me run around like some kind of crazy person, buy things, tell everyone, and for what? Do you get some kind of pleasure out of torturing me? It's not like that.
Then what is it like, Amy? You made me think I had a grandchild, and now I feel like I've lost a grandchild.
How could you possibly do that to me? Mom 'Cause I let go of our hug first.
What? What does that mean? What do you mean? It means that every time we've ever hugged, you always let go first.
This was the first time it felt like you really hugged me.
Oh, honey.
I was gonna tell you the test was negative, but then, I just felt all the love coming from you, and it felt really, really good.
Amy, I love you.
I know you love me, Mom, but Sometimes it feels like you don't always like me.
Oh, I see.
Don't do that.
Don't get all "I see.
" No, no, no.
No, I get it.
- I'm a bad mother.
- You're not a bad mother.
That's not what I'm saying.
I just wanted you to be happy.
My version of happiness or yours? They're the same thing.
Uhh! Okay, Mom, you know what? I shouldn't have even said anything.
Amy, come here.
I love you whether you ever give me a grandchild or not, okay? Okay.
Just keep in mind, I'm not getting any younger.
Why do you two keep making me so damn emotional?