Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e08 Episode Script
Execution Dependent
1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, hey, good news.
Well, Mathers is still in a coma.
And I just found out the shooter was really trying to kill me, but it looks like we are on the bubble for season three.
So, if we can goose the ratings a little bit for this finale, maybe do some things that appeal to a YouTube audience.
Oh, hey there.
(LAUGHS) - VINCE: Hansen.
- Whoa! What the hell am I doing here, hand job? Quit dicking around.
In case you forgot, somebody out there wants you dead.
I know, I'm pretty shaken up about it.
Well, not as shaken as little Shakes here, huh? (CHUCKLES) 'Cause he's like a vanilla milkshake.
If I was a straw I would drink you right to the bottom little Shakes, yes, I would.
(IMITATES CHEWING) I drink your milkshake! (SLURPING) DDL in "Blood," respect.
Go ahead, say hi.
(BABY TALK) Come on.
Come on, say hi.
To Shakes.
(VOCALIZING) Come on! (BLOWING KISSES) Hello, dog.
That's a start.
He's a little grumpy sometimes, - that's okay.
- Sir! Ah, sorry little fella, not enough room in this format for a dog that doesn't talk.
Hey! If there's a season three I need a new partner probably.
Hansen and Hooch! Focus.
The question we have to answer is who hates you enough to want to kill you? I know.
I'm drawing a blank on that, too.
I put together this list of possible suspects.
That's volume one.
All this right here? And everyone in there has a reason to want to shoot you.
Wait, but why is your picture in there? Don't worry about that.
We need to go through this list and rule out suspects one by one.
Oh, like a bunch of cameos.
That's a great idea.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Well, this binder is full of just famous enough celebrities that the producers have a less than three degree connection to.
It's a genius ratings plan.
It's like something you would do for sweeps.
Except that doesn't exist for internet shows behind the pay wall because they've already got your money.
Look, we're gonna be using this binder to find the person behind L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
The murder for hire ring operating inside the department.
And only for that reason.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Now, let's go talk to our first cameo.
You mean suspect.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
MOTORCYCLIST: (CHUCKLES) Hey! Hey, what's up, bud? Hey, Ryan! I heard someone's trying to murder you.
Isn't that a little dark for a comedy show? No, no, we're doing it with a very light touch.
People love it.
Right, Vince? People are trying to murder Ryan, that is correct.
Well, you don't think it was me, do you? Well, with the whole snafu with Kristen Bell last season.
Oh, when you wrongfully accused my wife of murdering seven of her employees? That's the one.
Hey, did she ever get the basket of sugar free, gluten free, cruelty free mini-muffins that I sent over? Oh, um, I don't know.
I haven't seen her in quite a while.
What do you mean you haven't seen her in quite a while? - Aren't you married? - Well, generally, we only see each other when we shoot commercials.
Oh, did you think we were together IRL? Don't you have kids together? This guy is awesome, where'd you find him? Is he a local hire? Well, no, he's an actual cop.
IRL.
(SCOFFS) That's adorable.
Uh, the kids are rentals.
Rentals? Well, fine, okay, didn't mean to trigger you.
I shouldn't call them rentals, sure, they're child actors, dues-paying members of the union, but we do rent them, so you tell me what to call them.
I mean, you can rent anything in Hollywood, right? Look, we can't sell baby products if we don't have babies.
It's simple math.
By the way, "Hello Bello" is a great product.
We're gonna have wipes, diapers, potions, and lotions.
Very organic and very affordable.
I'm sorry, are you telling us your marriage to Ms.
Bell is a sham? Oh, no, it's anything but a sham.
It's legal, it's really legal.
Like, Tom Cruise legal.
Hey, honey, I'm gonna go grab lunch.
Okay, great, I'll see you over there.
Love is love.
Anywho, if you think my motivation is to kill Ryan was to avenge my wife? I think you need to bark up another tree.
For real though, you should audition, - 'cause you have a look.
- (MOTORCYCLE REVVING) It's so believable.
All right, well, I guess we can cross Dax off the list.
Yeah, let's see who's next.
So, where were you the night of the 18th? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm confused.
- RYAN: Why? - Is this a comedy cop show? Or is this real life? Oh, right, sorry.
Um, so this right here, this is celebrity vice squad.
- Got it.
- And then this right here, "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television.
" They're not the same thing? Well, one's the show, the other is the concept.
But in both, I work with the police and use my unique knowledge of Hollywood to solve crimes.
Oh.
So are you playing you or are you playing a character? I will ask the questions here! Okay, I don't have anything, go ahead, I don't know.
Okay, what channel does this tire fire come on? Oh, no, no.
No channel.
It's on a website.
I mean yes, we do have a YouTube channel, but I don't know how that works.
It's YouTube Premium.
YouTube Prem What the fuck is YouTube Premium? - What happened to RedTube? - We were never on RedTube, we did get that a lot.
I'm pretty sure it was RedTube.
(WHISPERING) That is pornography.
- Here's the thing.
- DONALD: Hm? It's YouTube's pay site.
They have a streaming music service and everything.
- Best in the biz.
- DONALD: Really? Well, outside of Apple, Tidal, Spotify, Amazon, free YouTube.
The best part is, no commercials.
DONALD: Oh, wow.
Yeah, I haven't watched a commercial since 2003.
Do you not own a DVR? - I - Look.
I understand last season Ryan crashed your party, tried to arrest you, accidentally shot your car window out, bought your car with bad credit, and then tried to return it after running over Jon Cryer.
Is that what he told you? Yes.
Sounds to me like the kind of thing that might lead someone to seek revenge.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) I can hardly help it.
Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me right now? (CONTINUED LAUGHTER) Listen, I literally have not thought of this man since that party.
Thank you.
Detective, come on now, I'm Donald motherfucking Faison.
- I see that.
- DONALD: Baby, I throw parties, that's what I do.
I throw 'em damn near every night.
I'm talking every damn night.
I threw a party on the way over here in the Uber.
As a matter of fact, on the 18th, I threw a after-after party for "Hamilton AV" and my boy, Joel McHale.
JOEL MCHALE: Donald Faison, this is the best after-after party for the "Hamilton AV" premiere I've been to all night.
DONALD: Thank you, Joel McHale.
You know how I do.
- VINCE: Hm, I see.
- We good? Yes, yes, yes, Mr.
Faison, we're good.
Yeah, we good.
That's what I thought.
Hey, guys, do me a favor.
If it's not any trouble, I'd appreciate it if you didn't credit me for this appearance.
I'd like to keep my IMDB tight.
Know what I'm saying? Well, you do.
You don't know what I'm saying.
My man.
- I feel like we met before.
- Hm.
Did you ever by any chance win a Virginia State football championship 1972? I get that a lot.
Yeah, me too.
(CHUCKLES) Left side, strong side.
- What does that mean? - DONALD: I remember! Ugh, man, that entire scene was one big nothing burger.
Any time you can cross a suspect off the list, that's progress.
Ah, maybe with cop work, but with SVOD streaming, every scene has to have a point to it or it is going to end on the cutting room floor.
I mean, legit, I don't think this scene is gonna make it in the final edit.
There's not even a cheap laugh out to go out on.
- What's a laugh out? - It's like when you save a big joke for the end so that audiences feel like the scene was worth sitting through.
Oh! Here's that coffee you asked for, Detective.
- Thank you.
- Ow! I think this scene has a shot to make it.
- Next suspect, shall we? - What? (HISSING) Mmm.
Oh, Hansen, you fucking human whoopsie daisy.
Why did you tell me to come to some dance hall in Burbank? (LAUGHS) 'Sup, Schwartz? (SCOFFS) Ben Schwartz, "Parks and Rec," "House of Lies," and "Night School.
" We're up for the same part in "Black Panther The Musical.
" You said Ben asked to meet you here, did he? Or did you bring him here for some bullshit act-off? No, no, no.
I'm totally focused on the case.
- Ben.
- What? You got the "Wakanda Forever" choreography down yet? - 'Cause I do.
- I didn't get any choreography.
That's weird, oh, wait, no it isn't.
(SCOFFS) Because I went the extra mile and made it up myself.
Oh, my God, of course.
You did, that's real.
That's real life? That kind of commitment is gonna get me the part.
You're a penis.
You're a full blown soft penis.
Non-cultural appropriation jazz hands.
- What are you doing? - (HISSING) My God, he tries so hard, that's why people don't like him.
- It should be like this.
- (HISSING) VINCE: (SIGHS) For Christ sakes.
Someone tried to shoot Hansen.
Oh, yeah? Did they shoot his feet? Because his ball change sucks.
Very funny.
Actually missed me and put my partner in a coma.
- Who's stupid now? - You.
Hansen, you're always going to be the one that's stupid, and it wasn't me, I didn't try to kill you.
Although I wish I had.
Do you have an alibi for the night of Wednesday the 18th.
Yes.
Wednesdays I do shallow water fight training because I too am committed to getting this part.
You do fight training? - Is it splashy? - Real splashy.
(GROANS) Oh.
One, two, nine, what? Someone who can corroborate that story? Yeah, my instructor.
He's from Senegal.
Well, actually his parents are from Senegal.
He grew up in Santa Monica.
So good, though.
I know.
Nah! I'm done, I'm done.
Hansen, you know what the deal is.
Do not call me.
What are you doing? Why are you stepping to me here? In the place that you asked me to come, huh? I want you to step.
Uh, right.
Nah! I'm talking 'bout step up to the streets I'm talking 'bout step up to the streets Step up to the streets Watch out for my big ass.
Watch out for my big ass.
Ah! Watch out for my bigger ass.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Oh, my God.
- What's up? - What's this? - I don't know.
- Oh, shit.
You ain't shit.
- What's that? You ain't shit.
- You ain't shit.
You ain't shit.
BOTH: (SHOUTING) Ah! - Ooh.
- Get off of me.
BOTH: (SHOUTING) Ah! - (GRUNTING) - Damn it.
What is this? Ahh! (BOTH GRUNTING) What are you doing, Schwartz? - Ah! You got me! - BEN: Boy band bitch! What was that? (BICYCLE BELL DINGS) Hi, pretty.
- Oh, hey! - Hey.
There are my bad boys.
Thank you so much for coming in.
BOTH: Muah.
Muah.
Ooh, I felt that gun, mister.
Sit, sit, sit, guys.
Wow, I love what you've done with this place.
This is amazing.
Thank you much, it's really nothing.
I just had to cancel a couple of L.
A.
P.
D.
community outreach programs to pay for the re-dec, but I just feel so much more mindful now in this space.
It's like, "Kids, keep yourself off drugs, right?" I'm kidding, but I did have to cancel them.
So what is going on with you guys? Tell me everything.
Well, we found out that Mathers' shooter was aiming for moi.
You're kidding! I love that! It's so twisty.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, (SCOFFS) this whole serialized mystery element's really starting to crowd out some of the jokes.
We're going through anyone who may have a motive and eliminating them as suspects one by one.
Hm, I don't know.
What? You don't think it'll work? Just feels execution dependent, you know? Might be a little repetitive for a whole case.
Right, right.
(SIGHS) You know what? For shits and gigs, try it.
You guys have really been gelling lately.
Great, 'cause we ruled out Dax Shepard - Love.
- Donald Faison - Double love.
- And Ben Schwartz.
May be the Schwartz be with you, right? RYAN: And also with you.
Are those the jokes that are being crowded out? 'Cause I'm okay with that.
Anywhos, you talked to all of them for this case? - That's a lot of cameos.
- You mean suspects.
That's what I said.
YouTube Premium is throwing all their money at this episode.
The last seven, we didn't even have a script supervisor to sure make the words say right.
Even the teamsters are working for college credit.
- Wah.
- I've been doing lunch runs, paying for it myself.
Oh, which reminds me, I have your salad.
No cheese, no croutons, no pine nuts, dressing on the side for my lady.
Thank you.
Gotta have my greens.
(GIGGLES) Yummers.
Ooh! Is the dressing in a separate bag? Or - Uh, is the dressing not in there? - No.
Dang it.
Must have mixed it up with somebody else's.
- (SIGHS) - Okay, you know what? Um, I can head back to the restaurant.
Oh, no, I couldn't ask you to do that.
We're downtown, it's just in the valley.
You know, it'll only take me two and a half, three hours with traffic.
That's not necessary.
Only if you want to.
I'm gonna grab that, okay.
Okay, I'll be back in a bit.
Really? Yeah, my Prius doesn't have AC right now but Roll those window down, Flintstones-style.
"Wilma!" Okay, but really get going 'cause I'm very hungry.
Better cue up those podcasts.
- Bye.
- RYAN: Okay.
(SIGHS) All right.
(MOTOR WHIRRING) (BEEPING) I don't understand how things are done here.
I'm gonna go do some real police work.
Emma! Get in here and count my steps! RYAN: So, who are we talking to next? We're only halfway through the book.
Man, I don't think YTP bean counters are gonna give us breakage for all these cameos.
It's like season two is already way over budget with all the location costs, extra stunts, it's like this whole show is trying to do 20% more with 20% less.
It's a real financial pickle.
You're a financial pickle.
I'm thinking about just murdering you and doing the time.
It seems worth it.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Oh! Saved by the bell.
Great show, right? Bah-bah-bah-Bayside.
Ooh, blocked number.
Think of the possibilities.
Total speakerphone moment.
- Hello.
- (DISGUISED VOICE) Is this Ryan Hansen? (JAMAICAN ACCENT) Yeah, true that, man.
You got a Ry guy, coming at you, man.
Yeah, I rea Why are you doing a shitty Jamaican accent? Well, if he's gonna do an accent, I'm gonna do an accent.
I'm not gonna be upstaged.
That's not an accent, he's using a voice modulator to hide his identity.
- Oh.
- You're an actor? - Act normal.
- Normal.
Why didn't you just say so? Coming at ya.
Ahoy, hoy, you got the Ry guy.
Who am I talking to, saying hi-hi.
Sorry, what? Uh, sorry, uh, I meant to say, (COCKNEY ACCENT) "Hello, Governor.
" I'm gonna hang up.
No, no, no.
Just tell us who you are.
I can't over the phone.
Too risky.
We have to meet in person.
I have information you may be interested in.
I know who shot your partner.
Oh, my God.
That's insane! We were literally just trying to figure that out.
Total kismet.
This is just like "All the President's Men.
" Which makes sense, because like Bob Redford, I, too, am an adult male with blond hair, and I've been to Park City like a lot.
Never doing Sundance, but still, it counts.
- The fucking phone.
- Oh! Okay, what should we call you? Sorry? What do you mean? Well, Deep Throat's a little blue for my taste, but it is memorable.
What if I call you "Stepmom Finds Stepson Not Interested In Studying.
" Porn titles are so different these days.
Shut up and listen.
There's a parking lot downtown between Hill and Broadway.
Meet me there, 11:30.
Hill and Broadway, that's Chinatown.
- Let's go.
- Chinatown, baby.
There's this amazing dim sum place I've been meaning to try.
Ooh! You know what? I forgot about this recurring element we've been doing.
Do you think you can cover me for a sec? Thanks.
RYAN: God, I hate seeing you like this.
I know how much you loved being on my show, and now you've missed almost the whole season because of this coma and no other reason at all.
Congrats on the GLAAD Award by the way.
Oh, and the Emmy.
You'll be happy to hear that we had a bunch of pretty solid cameos, so it's looking good for a season three.
We've even started talking to your agent about whether you'll be awake for that or not, so Ooh! I know you're stuck in this hospital bed, but you deserve to feel pretty too.
So, Vince and I are meeting this informant down in Chinatown next to this dim sum place I really wanna try.
Oh, listen to me, blathering on about new partner.
(SCOFFS) You don't wanna hear about that.
Just know you're not being replaced.
What Vince and I have is different.
Did you tell her the shooter was aiming for you? Uh, ta, ta, ta, ta He's talking about a different case.
See, I'm still blameless for what happened to you, so Come on, man, we're gonna be late.
(SIGHS) Sweet slumber, princess.
I shall avenge, thee.
VINCE: Where is this guy? RYAN: Relax, he'll be here, otherwise why would we pay for this location? What are you doing, man? Getting my reps in.
My big audition.
It's a potential career changer.
I mean, you don't get a second chance of being in the Marvel Universe.
Unless you play the Human Torch in a terrible "Fantastic Four" movie and then you get, like, multiple tries.
Well, you looked stupid.
Stop it.
Well, successful actors don't just stop.
Do you think Chris Evans and Michael B.
Jordan were just like, "Yeah, we should stop" because "Fantastic Four" is the only Marvel property that hasn't had a massive success, even thought it's had three tries.
But you're not a successful actor.
Wait - you're not successful.
- Rude.
Maybe we've been going about this all wrong.
Not one person we talked to thinks you are successful or had any reason to find you threatening.
As far as I can tell, your only recent achievement has been keeping this gig - for the last two years.
- Oh, so it's not about me the actor, it's about the show.
Now the question is who would be so threatened by the show that they want it gone that bad.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my God, thank you so much for coming in.
Captain, hey.
What are you doing here? I'm the one who called you.
I know who shot Mathers.
Wha The shooter is (CAR HONKS) What? - - Nothing.
I'm just going to my car.
Seriously, right in the middle of our scene? Well, it's a public parking garage.
Just hurry the fuck up, please.
Come on, go, please.
Oh, oh, oh, uh, okay.
Yup.
Just be a second.
(GROANING ) Up-a-do.
Of course it's a hatchback.
And down, all right.
And, oh you know what? Gotta be safe.
Okay.
All right.
(SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) Okay, you know, who shot Mathers? - (CAR HONKS) - Oh, I am so, so sorry guys.
What's happening right now? I left my jacket in my car.
Sorry.
Okay, just gonna get it.
Okay.
And I got it.
And we're good.
(CAR HONKS) By the way, is this like a secret police meeting? Get the fuck out of here or he will shoot you in the face! - Okay.
- Get out of here! Sorry for feeling like I wanted to be included.
Day players, the worst, right? (LONG EXHALE) So, where were we? We entered, you were here, we were surprised, banter, banter.
Unexpected comedic interruption.
Oh! That's right.
You were gonna tell us the season-long zinger.
All right, Captain, spotlight's your.
Baited breath here, Tinder hooks, drop it like it's hot, okay, who shot Mathers? I did.
Oh, snap.
Toss your piece.
Seriously? Whoa.
So, you're behind L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
You shot Mathers because she was getting close.
And you were aiming for me because Mathers and I are best friends and we tell each other everything? Well, Not exactly.
I am the ring-leader for L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
It's a solid side hustle, and I was aiming at you, but they're unrelated.
Unrelated? Well, why were you trying to kill me? Because if there's one thing my years as a network executive has taught me, it's when to take something off the air.
I was trying to kill you to get your awful show cancelled.
It's an embarrassment to the force.
More than a murder for hiring inside the department.
This show has done more damage to the Los Angeles Police Department's reputation than L.
A.
P.
D.
Red ever could.
Okay, well, what about the real scandals, like Rampart.
That was a pretty bad thing, and um, you know, Rodney King, LA riots.
- This show was worse.
- What? Way worse.
I thought it was just gonna fizzle out.
Especially when you replaced Mathers with him.
I mean, a show with two straight male leads.
Nobody's gonna go for that, not in this climate.
We've never explicitly established that Vince is straight, so And we never will.
Hm, I mean, it could give it place to go in future seasons.
There will be no future seasons.
And what is this whole thing anyway? Is it a show, is it real? Are you you? Who are these guys? The rules have to be clear.
You can't just play it fast and lose with the reality of a show for the sake of a joke.
It has to stop! What? What are you doing? He's getting his reps in for "Wakanda Forever: Turn Off the Dark.
" See? This is exactly what I mean.
This kind of wildly offensive storyline must end.
What the hell is the point of this runner anyway? I kinda think that was a season long setup.
- CAPTAIN: For what? - For this.
- (CAPTAIN SCREAMS) - (SHOT FIRES) (SCREAMS) (GROANS) (MULTIPLE SHOTS FIRED) Damn it! Ooh, you took a bullet for me.
I didn't take a bullet for you, fool.
You got me shot.
Well, agree to disagree.
Come on! (MUSIC PLAYING) Dude.
This finale is gonna be so boss.
Look how cinematic this is.
You think being in Chinatown will help our overseas numbers? - What? - Tapping into an international market is super important right now.
That's why every movie is about people running away from cartoons.
It's a formula that translates everywhere.
Shut the fuck up.
Is that a formula that translates everywhere? No, I don't think that's gonna fly with the Chinese censors.
Ooh, which reminds me whatever happens to us right now, neither of us can become a ghost, okay? Oh, here's that dim sum place I wanted to try.
Dang! It's closed.
Want flower? Oh, no, thank you.
I mean, I always shop small and buy local, but we're kind of at a climax point right here.
See, that's my partner right there, and, um Ooh, ooh, buy for partner.
Love.
Man, love.
Yes, we do love each other very, very much, but it's more a platonic male sitch, so although I'm totes an ally, it's not really my thing.
Well, there was this one time in the waiting room when I was auditioning for JJ's "Star Trek," Chris Hemsworth walks in, let's just say, I had a semi for Hemi.
- Yikes.
- VINCE: Holy motherfucking hell.
Will you shut the shit up so we can find the Captain? Found me.
Give me your gun.
Give me your gun.
Let's go.
You too, pretty boy.
Do you really think I'm pretty? Shut the fuck up.
I know this is kind of off book, but this steam is totally opening up my pores.
That's far enough! Turn around! So now what? You're gonna kill us right here in cold blood? Then do it.
That is so bad ass.
Wait, don't though.
Well, I don't have a choice now, do I? It's like when you renew a show for a second season, you're pretty much bound to give it a third.
The economics almost demand it.
Wait, is that a real thing? Yes, that's a real thing.
That's how television works, Ryan! But you know what the best thing is about Chinatown in LA? It sets the stage for the two jigs.
No, you idiot.
No one ever comes here, so there are no witnesses.
This little show was gonna go away on its own, but then somebody had to call in a few favors.
Cameo after cameo! It wouldn't stop! I knew it was execution dependent, but you wouldn't stop executing! - Thank you.
- And the chance of another season was getting too real.
So now, I'm gonna end it, once and for all.
You can't have "Ryan Solves Those TV Crimes" on No, uh, "Ryan Hansen Solves Crime On Television.
" Shut the fuck up! That's the dumbest title ever! It's one of the many reasons this show was not a success! It's too long! It's a damn sentence! You know what's a good title? "Taxi.
" You can't have "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" without its star, Oh, my God, did you hear that? She just called me the star.
I could totally die happy now.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Good-bye, Ryan Hansen.
Oh, please, let my death trend on Twitter.
(SHOT FIRED) How's that for execution dependent? (RYAN CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Perfect aim and line delivery.
Plus call-back, double points, so cool.
Mathers, you're awake.
I'm so glad they didn't recast you like Aunt Viv.
Oh, my God.
It's good to see you too.
Wait, so how did you find us? Well, I could hear literally everything you said while I was in the coma.
I knew it, 'cause every time I visited, you perked up.
I was screaming from inside my own head for you to shut the fuck up.
It was torture.
(LAUGHS) Classic us, right? You must be Vince.
I heard a lot about you.
Likewise.
Uh-oh, my future ears are burning.
You guys are gonna share so many stories about me, aren't you? BOTH: No.
Huh? But maybe, though, right? (CHUCKLES) It's so good to see ya.
- Don't touch me.
- Sorry, sorry, just excited.
Well, I guess this lady captain runner ran it's course, right? Oh, hey, guys, I just want to thank you both so much for saving my life.
Twice, in essentially back-to-back scenes.
I'm just so lucky to have two amazing partners who each took a bullet for me.
Getting multiple partners shot is a bad thing.
And you can only have one partner.
That's true.
Only one rose left.
Pick.
What partner? Oh, yeah.
Great, perfect timing.
Thanks.
(SHARP EXHALE) Wow.
I can't believe we're here.
You know, when I started this show, I knew I came here for the right reasons.
It was never a game for me.
God, this is hard.
I didn't think it'd be so hard.
(GRUNTS) (SHARP EXHALE) Vince, getting to know you this season has meant the world to me.
From thinking you were gonna murder me, to catching Mathers' shooter in a serialized format.
You unlocked something in me.
Our relationship is so, so special, I don't want it to end.
Mathers, even though, except for some very smart cross-boarding.
You were essentially gone the entire second season.
What we shared in season one was something I will never forget.
- This is so stupid.
- RYAN: It all started with you.
You were my first partner, you deflowered me, - and I you.
- What? You made me laugh like no one was watching.
'Cause no one was.
I am standing here today because of you.
This is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire career, and I know now what I need not only in a life partner, but in a crime fighting scene partner.
So, the person who I'd like to accept this final rose is Oh, my God.
Cliffhanger.
(LAUGHS) Got ya! (MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, honey, I'm holy heck.
What's going on? Wait, where's our audience.
Apparently this episode went so far over budget, we couldn't afford an audience.
YouTube is stripping the set for parts and selling them to other shows.
I'm going to on "Young Sheldon.
" Oh, network, nice.
I got an overall deal at Netflix.
- Lucky.
- Wow.
- I'm quitting the business.
- Hm.
Smart.
I guess they're getting a jump start on the inevitable cancellation.
Apparently we're pre-cancelled.
- That's a thing? - With this show it is.
(SIGHS) Seems harsh.
And I was all excited to tell you all about our season finale.
Oh, no, you still can.
How'd it go? You're never gonna believe this.
The Captain is the one that shot Mathers.
Then Mathers woke up from her coma an shot the Captain.
That seems convenient.
Ah, worked at the time.
But now Mathers is awake, and me and Vince are finally clicking but I can only have one partner.
We were leaving it as a cliffhanger for season three, but you wanna know who I picked? Oh, it doesn't matter.
There's not gonna be a third season.
Oh, see? Even the camera guys are leaving.
Oh.
Well I don't know I thought we might have done enough to get another season.
You know? It was a pretty good finale.
A really cool season long mystery reveal.
Left it on an emotional cliffhanger.
Honey, it's not a cliffhanger if nobody cares.
I'll see ya outside, slugger.
Wait, you're going too? Yeah.
They already took away my parking pass.
Final fourth wall break here.
You know, I came to Hollywood from San Diego almost 15 years ago, with no training, no connections, and I've been a working actor for over a decade.
Got married, raised three beautiful girls here in Los Angeles, managed to put a roof over their heads and food on the table, all based on my ability as a supporting actor.
Never thought I'd have my own show, but I did, for two glorious seasons.
I even got a billboard on Sunset Boulevard.
Marlon Brando never had that.
Which is both impressive and sad if you think about it.
So if this really is our last season, and based on our viewership totals, it most def is.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who watched.
I know that pay wall's a real bummer, and we are not "Cobra Kai," but we tried to entertain you, and we had a lot of fun doing it.
So if you're out there watching this right now, with a dream to come to Hollywood and to make it big, I am here to tell you, buy that plane ticket.
Pack up that crappy car of yours and get out here.
Because that's what this town has always been built on dreamers.
I should know, because I'm Hey! You gotta go.
Uh, almost done here.
Final monologue.
Great, pal.
Finish it outside.
There's kind of a vibe happening here, though, - so if you don't mind - Take your vibe outside.
I don't think you understand, - see, I'm - Ryan Hansen.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wait, you know who I am? Of course.
I love that cop show you do.
Weird format, but me and the wife laughed.
Thank you so much.
You take care now.
Yeah, you too.
- SECURITY: Hey! - Yeah? You doing anymore episodes of your show? No, I don't think so.
(HISSING) My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't want none unless it's forever, son Check out that ring Now T'Challa's our king He drank the heart-shaped herb Made his brain go absurd How can we explainium We so rich with vibranium Yeah, our panther is black 'Cause none of ya whack My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't want none if it's forever Ow! Thank you so much, Kevin.
I really wanna be a part of it.
Wakanda all day.
Well, Mathers is still in a coma.
And I just found out the shooter was really trying to kill me, but it looks like we are on the bubble for season three.
So, if we can goose the ratings a little bit for this finale, maybe do some things that appeal to a YouTube audience.
Oh, hey there.
(LAUGHS) - VINCE: Hansen.
- Whoa! What the hell am I doing here, hand job? Quit dicking around.
In case you forgot, somebody out there wants you dead.
I know, I'm pretty shaken up about it.
Well, not as shaken as little Shakes here, huh? (CHUCKLES) 'Cause he's like a vanilla milkshake.
If I was a straw I would drink you right to the bottom little Shakes, yes, I would.
(IMITATES CHEWING) I drink your milkshake! (SLURPING) DDL in "Blood," respect.
Go ahead, say hi.
(BABY TALK) Come on.
Come on, say hi.
To Shakes.
(VOCALIZING) Come on! (BLOWING KISSES) Hello, dog.
That's a start.
He's a little grumpy sometimes, - that's okay.
- Sir! Ah, sorry little fella, not enough room in this format for a dog that doesn't talk.
Hey! If there's a season three I need a new partner probably.
Hansen and Hooch! Focus.
The question we have to answer is who hates you enough to want to kill you? I know.
I'm drawing a blank on that, too.
I put together this list of possible suspects.
That's volume one.
All this right here? And everyone in there has a reason to want to shoot you.
Wait, but why is your picture in there? Don't worry about that.
We need to go through this list and rule out suspects one by one.
Oh, like a bunch of cameos.
That's a great idea.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Well, this binder is full of just famous enough celebrities that the producers have a less than three degree connection to.
It's a genius ratings plan.
It's like something you would do for sweeps.
Except that doesn't exist for internet shows behind the pay wall because they've already got your money.
Look, we're gonna be using this binder to find the person behind L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
The murder for hire ring operating inside the department.
And only for that reason.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Now, let's go talk to our first cameo.
You mean suspect.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
MOTORCYCLIST: (CHUCKLES) Hey! Hey, what's up, bud? Hey, Ryan! I heard someone's trying to murder you.
Isn't that a little dark for a comedy show? No, no, we're doing it with a very light touch.
People love it.
Right, Vince? People are trying to murder Ryan, that is correct.
Well, you don't think it was me, do you? Well, with the whole snafu with Kristen Bell last season.
Oh, when you wrongfully accused my wife of murdering seven of her employees? That's the one.
Hey, did she ever get the basket of sugar free, gluten free, cruelty free mini-muffins that I sent over? Oh, um, I don't know.
I haven't seen her in quite a while.
What do you mean you haven't seen her in quite a while? - Aren't you married? - Well, generally, we only see each other when we shoot commercials.
Oh, did you think we were together IRL? Don't you have kids together? This guy is awesome, where'd you find him? Is he a local hire? Well, no, he's an actual cop.
IRL.
(SCOFFS) That's adorable.
Uh, the kids are rentals.
Rentals? Well, fine, okay, didn't mean to trigger you.
I shouldn't call them rentals, sure, they're child actors, dues-paying members of the union, but we do rent them, so you tell me what to call them.
I mean, you can rent anything in Hollywood, right? Look, we can't sell baby products if we don't have babies.
It's simple math.
By the way, "Hello Bello" is a great product.
We're gonna have wipes, diapers, potions, and lotions.
Very organic and very affordable.
I'm sorry, are you telling us your marriage to Ms.
Bell is a sham? Oh, no, it's anything but a sham.
It's legal, it's really legal.
Like, Tom Cruise legal.
Hey, honey, I'm gonna go grab lunch.
Okay, great, I'll see you over there.
Love is love.
Anywho, if you think my motivation is to kill Ryan was to avenge my wife? I think you need to bark up another tree.
For real though, you should audition, - 'cause you have a look.
- (MOTORCYCLE REVVING) It's so believable.
All right, well, I guess we can cross Dax off the list.
Yeah, let's see who's next.
So, where were you the night of the 18th? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm confused.
- RYAN: Why? - Is this a comedy cop show? Or is this real life? Oh, right, sorry.
Um, so this right here, this is celebrity vice squad.
- Got it.
- And then this right here, "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television.
" They're not the same thing? Well, one's the show, the other is the concept.
But in both, I work with the police and use my unique knowledge of Hollywood to solve crimes.
Oh.
So are you playing you or are you playing a character? I will ask the questions here! Okay, I don't have anything, go ahead, I don't know.
Okay, what channel does this tire fire come on? Oh, no, no.
No channel.
It's on a website.
I mean yes, we do have a YouTube channel, but I don't know how that works.
It's YouTube Premium.
YouTube Prem What the fuck is YouTube Premium? - What happened to RedTube? - We were never on RedTube, we did get that a lot.
I'm pretty sure it was RedTube.
(WHISPERING) That is pornography.
- Here's the thing.
- DONALD: Hm? It's YouTube's pay site.
They have a streaming music service and everything.
- Best in the biz.
- DONALD: Really? Well, outside of Apple, Tidal, Spotify, Amazon, free YouTube.
The best part is, no commercials.
DONALD: Oh, wow.
Yeah, I haven't watched a commercial since 2003.
Do you not own a DVR? - I - Look.
I understand last season Ryan crashed your party, tried to arrest you, accidentally shot your car window out, bought your car with bad credit, and then tried to return it after running over Jon Cryer.
Is that what he told you? Yes.
Sounds to me like the kind of thing that might lead someone to seek revenge.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) I can hardly help it.
Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me right now? (CONTINUED LAUGHTER) Listen, I literally have not thought of this man since that party.
Thank you.
Detective, come on now, I'm Donald motherfucking Faison.
- I see that.
- DONALD: Baby, I throw parties, that's what I do.
I throw 'em damn near every night.
I'm talking every damn night.
I threw a party on the way over here in the Uber.
As a matter of fact, on the 18th, I threw a after-after party for "Hamilton AV" and my boy, Joel McHale.
JOEL MCHALE: Donald Faison, this is the best after-after party for the "Hamilton AV" premiere I've been to all night.
DONALD: Thank you, Joel McHale.
You know how I do.
- VINCE: Hm, I see.
- We good? Yes, yes, yes, Mr.
Faison, we're good.
Yeah, we good.
That's what I thought.
Hey, guys, do me a favor.
If it's not any trouble, I'd appreciate it if you didn't credit me for this appearance.
I'd like to keep my IMDB tight.
Know what I'm saying? Well, you do.
You don't know what I'm saying.
My man.
- I feel like we met before.
- Hm.
Did you ever by any chance win a Virginia State football championship 1972? I get that a lot.
Yeah, me too.
(CHUCKLES) Left side, strong side.
- What does that mean? - DONALD: I remember! Ugh, man, that entire scene was one big nothing burger.
Any time you can cross a suspect off the list, that's progress.
Ah, maybe with cop work, but with SVOD streaming, every scene has to have a point to it or it is going to end on the cutting room floor.
I mean, legit, I don't think this scene is gonna make it in the final edit.
There's not even a cheap laugh out to go out on.
- What's a laugh out? - It's like when you save a big joke for the end so that audiences feel like the scene was worth sitting through.
Oh! Here's that coffee you asked for, Detective.
- Thank you.
- Ow! I think this scene has a shot to make it.
- Next suspect, shall we? - What? (HISSING) Mmm.
Oh, Hansen, you fucking human whoopsie daisy.
Why did you tell me to come to some dance hall in Burbank? (LAUGHS) 'Sup, Schwartz? (SCOFFS) Ben Schwartz, "Parks and Rec," "House of Lies," and "Night School.
" We're up for the same part in "Black Panther The Musical.
" You said Ben asked to meet you here, did he? Or did you bring him here for some bullshit act-off? No, no, no.
I'm totally focused on the case.
- Ben.
- What? You got the "Wakanda Forever" choreography down yet? - 'Cause I do.
- I didn't get any choreography.
That's weird, oh, wait, no it isn't.
(SCOFFS) Because I went the extra mile and made it up myself.
Oh, my God, of course.
You did, that's real.
That's real life? That kind of commitment is gonna get me the part.
You're a penis.
You're a full blown soft penis.
Non-cultural appropriation jazz hands.
- What are you doing? - (HISSING) My God, he tries so hard, that's why people don't like him.
- It should be like this.
- (HISSING) VINCE: (SIGHS) For Christ sakes.
Someone tried to shoot Hansen.
Oh, yeah? Did they shoot his feet? Because his ball change sucks.
Very funny.
Actually missed me and put my partner in a coma.
- Who's stupid now? - You.
Hansen, you're always going to be the one that's stupid, and it wasn't me, I didn't try to kill you.
Although I wish I had.
Do you have an alibi for the night of Wednesday the 18th.
Yes.
Wednesdays I do shallow water fight training because I too am committed to getting this part.
You do fight training? - Is it splashy? - Real splashy.
(GROANS) Oh.
One, two, nine, what? Someone who can corroborate that story? Yeah, my instructor.
He's from Senegal.
Well, actually his parents are from Senegal.
He grew up in Santa Monica.
So good, though.
I know.
Nah! I'm done, I'm done.
Hansen, you know what the deal is.
Do not call me.
What are you doing? Why are you stepping to me here? In the place that you asked me to come, huh? I want you to step.
Uh, right.
Nah! I'm talking 'bout step up to the streets I'm talking 'bout step up to the streets Step up to the streets Watch out for my big ass.
Watch out for my big ass.
Ah! Watch out for my bigger ass.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Oh, my God.
- What's up? - What's this? - I don't know.
- Oh, shit.
You ain't shit.
- What's that? You ain't shit.
- You ain't shit.
You ain't shit.
BOTH: (SHOUTING) Ah! - Ooh.
- Get off of me.
BOTH: (SHOUTING) Ah! - (GRUNTING) - Damn it.
What is this? Ahh! (BOTH GRUNTING) What are you doing, Schwartz? - Ah! You got me! - BEN: Boy band bitch! What was that? (BICYCLE BELL DINGS) Hi, pretty.
- Oh, hey! - Hey.
There are my bad boys.
Thank you so much for coming in.
BOTH: Muah.
Muah.
Ooh, I felt that gun, mister.
Sit, sit, sit, guys.
Wow, I love what you've done with this place.
This is amazing.
Thank you much, it's really nothing.
I just had to cancel a couple of L.
A.
P.
D.
community outreach programs to pay for the re-dec, but I just feel so much more mindful now in this space.
It's like, "Kids, keep yourself off drugs, right?" I'm kidding, but I did have to cancel them.
So what is going on with you guys? Tell me everything.
Well, we found out that Mathers' shooter was aiming for moi.
You're kidding! I love that! It's so twisty.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, (SCOFFS) this whole serialized mystery element's really starting to crowd out some of the jokes.
We're going through anyone who may have a motive and eliminating them as suspects one by one.
Hm, I don't know.
What? You don't think it'll work? Just feels execution dependent, you know? Might be a little repetitive for a whole case.
Right, right.
(SIGHS) You know what? For shits and gigs, try it.
You guys have really been gelling lately.
Great, 'cause we ruled out Dax Shepard - Love.
- Donald Faison - Double love.
- And Ben Schwartz.
May be the Schwartz be with you, right? RYAN: And also with you.
Are those the jokes that are being crowded out? 'Cause I'm okay with that.
Anywhos, you talked to all of them for this case? - That's a lot of cameos.
- You mean suspects.
That's what I said.
YouTube Premium is throwing all their money at this episode.
The last seven, we didn't even have a script supervisor to sure make the words say right.
Even the teamsters are working for college credit.
- Wah.
- I've been doing lunch runs, paying for it myself.
Oh, which reminds me, I have your salad.
No cheese, no croutons, no pine nuts, dressing on the side for my lady.
Thank you.
Gotta have my greens.
(GIGGLES) Yummers.
Ooh! Is the dressing in a separate bag? Or - Uh, is the dressing not in there? - No.
Dang it.
Must have mixed it up with somebody else's.
- (SIGHS) - Okay, you know what? Um, I can head back to the restaurant.
Oh, no, I couldn't ask you to do that.
We're downtown, it's just in the valley.
You know, it'll only take me two and a half, three hours with traffic.
That's not necessary.
Only if you want to.
I'm gonna grab that, okay.
Okay, I'll be back in a bit.
Really? Yeah, my Prius doesn't have AC right now but Roll those window down, Flintstones-style.
"Wilma!" Okay, but really get going 'cause I'm very hungry.
Better cue up those podcasts.
- Bye.
- RYAN: Okay.
(SIGHS) All right.
(MOTOR WHIRRING) (BEEPING) I don't understand how things are done here.
I'm gonna go do some real police work.
Emma! Get in here and count my steps! RYAN: So, who are we talking to next? We're only halfway through the book.
Man, I don't think YTP bean counters are gonna give us breakage for all these cameos.
It's like season two is already way over budget with all the location costs, extra stunts, it's like this whole show is trying to do 20% more with 20% less.
It's a real financial pickle.
You're a financial pickle.
I'm thinking about just murdering you and doing the time.
It seems worth it.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Oh! Saved by the bell.
Great show, right? Bah-bah-bah-Bayside.
Ooh, blocked number.
Think of the possibilities.
Total speakerphone moment.
- Hello.
- (DISGUISED VOICE) Is this Ryan Hansen? (JAMAICAN ACCENT) Yeah, true that, man.
You got a Ry guy, coming at you, man.
Yeah, I rea Why are you doing a shitty Jamaican accent? Well, if he's gonna do an accent, I'm gonna do an accent.
I'm not gonna be upstaged.
That's not an accent, he's using a voice modulator to hide his identity.
- Oh.
- You're an actor? - Act normal.
- Normal.
Why didn't you just say so? Coming at ya.
Ahoy, hoy, you got the Ry guy.
Who am I talking to, saying hi-hi.
Sorry, what? Uh, sorry, uh, I meant to say, (COCKNEY ACCENT) "Hello, Governor.
" I'm gonna hang up.
No, no, no.
Just tell us who you are.
I can't over the phone.
Too risky.
We have to meet in person.
I have information you may be interested in.
I know who shot your partner.
Oh, my God.
That's insane! We were literally just trying to figure that out.
Total kismet.
This is just like "All the President's Men.
" Which makes sense, because like Bob Redford, I, too, am an adult male with blond hair, and I've been to Park City like a lot.
Never doing Sundance, but still, it counts.
- The fucking phone.
- Oh! Okay, what should we call you? Sorry? What do you mean? Well, Deep Throat's a little blue for my taste, but it is memorable.
What if I call you "Stepmom Finds Stepson Not Interested In Studying.
" Porn titles are so different these days.
Shut up and listen.
There's a parking lot downtown between Hill and Broadway.
Meet me there, 11:30.
Hill and Broadway, that's Chinatown.
- Let's go.
- Chinatown, baby.
There's this amazing dim sum place I've been meaning to try.
Ooh! You know what? I forgot about this recurring element we've been doing.
Do you think you can cover me for a sec? Thanks.
RYAN: God, I hate seeing you like this.
I know how much you loved being on my show, and now you've missed almost the whole season because of this coma and no other reason at all.
Congrats on the GLAAD Award by the way.
Oh, and the Emmy.
You'll be happy to hear that we had a bunch of pretty solid cameos, so it's looking good for a season three.
We've even started talking to your agent about whether you'll be awake for that or not, so Ooh! I know you're stuck in this hospital bed, but you deserve to feel pretty too.
So, Vince and I are meeting this informant down in Chinatown next to this dim sum place I really wanna try.
Oh, listen to me, blathering on about new partner.
(SCOFFS) You don't wanna hear about that.
Just know you're not being replaced.
What Vince and I have is different.
Did you tell her the shooter was aiming for you? Uh, ta, ta, ta, ta He's talking about a different case.
See, I'm still blameless for what happened to you, so Come on, man, we're gonna be late.
(SIGHS) Sweet slumber, princess.
I shall avenge, thee.
VINCE: Where is this guy? RYAN: Relax, he'll be here, otherwise why would we pay for this location? What are you doing, man? Getting my reps in.
My big audition.
It's a potential career changer.
I mean, you don't get a second chance of being in the Marvel Universe.
Unless you play the Human Torch in a terrible "Fantastic Four" movie and then you get, like, multiple tries.
Well, you looked stupid.
Stop it.
Well, successful actors don't just stop.
Do you think Chris Evans and Michael B.
Jordan were just like, "Yeah, we should stop" because "Fantastic Four" is the only Marvel property that hasn't had a massive success, even thought it's had three tries.
But you're not a successful actor.
Wait - you're not successful.
- Rude.
Maybe we've been going about this all wrong.
Not one person we talked to thinks you are successful or had any reason to find you threatening.
As far as I can tell, your only recent achievement has been keeping this gig - for the last two years.
- Oh, so it's not about me the actor, it's about the show.
Now the question is who would be so threatened by the show that they want it gone that bad.
Hi, guys.
Oh, my God, thank you so much for coming in.
Captain, hey.
What are you doing here? I'm the one who called you.
I know who shot Mathers.
Wha The shooter is (CAR HONKS) What? - - Nothing.
I'm just going to my car.
Seriously, right in the middle of our scene? Well, it's a public parking garage.
Just hurry the fuck up, please.
Come on, go, please.
Oh, oh, oh, uh, okay.
Yup.
Just be a second.
(GROANING ) Up-a-do.
Of course it's a hatchback.
And down, all right.
And, oh you know what? Gotta be safe.
Okay.
All right.
(SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) Okay, you know, who shot Mathers? - (CAR HONKS) - Oh, I am so, so sorry guys.
What's happening right now? I left my jacket in my car.
Sorry.
Okay, just gonna get it.
Okay.
And I got it.
And we're good.
(CAR HONKS) By the way, is this like a secret police meeting? Get the fuck out of here or he will shoot you in the face! - Okay.
- Get out of here! Sorry for feeling like I wanted to be included.
Day players, the worst, right? (LONG EXHALE) So, where were we? We entered, you were here, we were surprised, banter, banter.
Unexpected comedic interruption.
Oh! That's right.
You were gonna tell us the season-long zinger.
All right, Captain, spotlight's your.
Baited breath here, Tinder hooks, drop it like it's hot, okay, who shot Mathers? I did.
Oh, snap.
Toss your piece.
Seriously? Whoa.
So, you're behind L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
You shot Mathers because she was getting close.
And you were aiming for me because Mathers and I are best friends and we tell each other everything? Well, Not exactly.
I am the ring-leader for L.
A.
P.
D.
Red.
It's a solid side hustle, and I was aiming at you, but they're unrelated.
Unrelated? Well, why were you trying to kill me? Because if there's one thing my years as a network executive has taught me, it's when to take something off the air.
I was trying to kill you to get your awful show cancelled.
It's an embarrassment to the force.
More than a murder for hiring inside the department.
This show has done more damage to the Los Angeles Police Department's reputation than L.
A.
P.
D.
Red ever could.
Okay, well, what about the real scandals, like Rampart.
That was a pretty bad thing, and um, you know, Rodney King, LA riots.
- This show was worse.
- What? Way worse.
I thought it was just gonna fizzle out.
Especially when you replaced Mathers with him.
I mean, a show with two straight male leads.
Nobody's gonna go for that, not in this climate.
We've never explicitly established that Vince is straight, so And we never will.
Hm, I mean, it could give it place to go in future seasons.
There will be no future seasons.
And what is this whole thing anyway? Is it a show, is it real? Are you you? Who are these guys? The rules have to be clear.
You can't just play it fast and lose with the reality of a show for the sake of a joke.
It has to stop! What? What are you doing? He's getting his reps in for "Wakanda Forever: Turn Off the Dark.
" See? This is exactly what I mean.
This kind of wildly offensive storyline must end.
What the hell is the point of this runner anyway? I kinda think that was a season long setup.
- CAPTAIN: For what? - For this.
- (CAPTAIN SCREAMS) - (SHOT FIRES) (SCREAMS) (GROANS) (MULTIPLE SHOTS FIRED) Damn it! Ooh, you took a bullet for me.
I didn't take a bullet for you, fool.
You got me shot.
Well, agree to disagree.
Come on! (MUSIC PLAYING) Dude.
This finale is gonna be so boss.
Look how cinematic this is.
You think being in Chinatown will help our overseas numbers? - What? - Tapping into an international market is super important right now.
That's why every movie is about people running away from cartoons.
It's a formula that translates everywhere.
Shut the fuck up.
Is that a formula that translates everywhere? No, I don't think that's gonna fly with the Chinese censors.
Ooh, which reminds me whatever happens to us right now, neither of us can become a ghost, okay? Oh, here's that dim sum place I wanted to try.
Dang! It's closed.
Want flower? Oh, no, thank you.
I mean, I always shop small and buy local, but we're kind of at a climax point right here.
See, that's my partner right there, and, um Ooh, ooh, buy for partner.
Love.
Man, love.
Yes, we do love each other very, very much, but it's more a platonic male sitch, so although I'm totes an ally, it's not really my thing.
Well, there was this one time in the waiting room when I was auditioning for JJ's "Star Trek," Chris Hemsworth walks in, let's just say, I had a semi for Hemi.
- Yikes.
- VINCE: Holy motherfucking hell.
Will you shut the shit up so we can find the Captain? Found me.
Give me your gun.
Give me your gun.
Let's go.
You too, pretty boy.
Do you really think I'm pretty? Shut the fuck up.
I know this is kind of off book, but this steam is totally opening up my pores.
That's far enough! Turn around! So now what? You're gonna kill us right here in cold blood? Then do it.
That is so bad ass.
Wait, don't though.
Well, I don't have a choice now, do I? It's like when you renew a show for a second season, you're pretty much bound to give it a third.
The economics almost demand it.
Wait, is that a real thing? Yes, that's a real thing.
That's how television works, Ryan! But you know what the best thing is about Chinatown in LA? It sets the stage for the two jigs.
No, you idiot.
No one ever comes here, so there are no witnesses.
This little show was gonna go away on its own, but then somebody had to call in a few favors.
Cameo after cameo! It wouldn't stop! I knew it was execution dependent, but you wouldn't stop executing! - Thank you.
- And the chance of another season was getting too real.
So now, I'm gonna end it, once and for all.
You can't have "Ryan Solves Those TV Crimes" on No, uh, "Ryan Hansen Solves Crime On Television.
" Shut the fuck up! That's the dumbest title ever! It's one of the many reasons this show was not a success! It's too long! It's a damn sentence! You know what's a good title? "Taxi.
" You can't have "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" without its star, Oh, my God, did you hear that? She just called me the star.
I could totally die happy now.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Good-bye, Ryan Hansen.
Oh, please, let my death trend on Twitter.
(SHOT FIRED) How's that for execution dependent? (RYAN CHUCKLES) Awesome.
Perfect aim and line delivery.
Plus call-back, double points, so cool.
Mathers, you're awake.
I'm so glad they didn't recast you like Aunt Viv.
Oh, my God.
It's good to see you too.
Wait, so how did you find us? Well, I could hear literally everything you said while I was in the coma.
I knew it, 'cause every time I visited, you perked up.
I was screaming from inside my own head for you to shut the fuck up.
It was torture.
(LAUGHS) Classic us, right? You must be Vince.
I heard a lot about you.
Likewise.
Uh-oh, my future ears are burning.
You guys are gonna share so many stories about me, aren't you? BOTH: No.
Huh? But maybe, though, right? (CHUCKLES) It's so good to see ya.
- Don't touch me.
- Sorry, sorry, just excited.
Well, I guess this lady captain runner ran it's course, right? Oh, hey, guys, I just want to thank you both so much for saving my life.
Twice, in essentially back-to-back scenes.
I'm just so lucky to have two amazing partners who each took a bullet for me.
Getting multiple partners shot is a bad thing.
And you can only have one partner.
That's true.
Only one rose left.
Pick.
What partner? Oh, yeah.
Great, perfect timing.
Thanks.
(SHARP EXHALE) Wow.
I can't believe we're here.
You know, when I started this show, I knew I came here for the right reasons.
It was never a game for me.
God, this is hard.
I didn't think it'd be so hard.
(GRUNTS) (SHARP EXHALE) Vince, getting to know you this season has meant the world to me.
From thinking you were gonna murder me, to catching Mathers' shooter in a serialized format.
You unlocked something in me.
Our relationship is so, so special, I don't want it to end.
Mathers, even though, except for some very smart cross-boarding.
You were essentially gone the entire second season.
What we shared in season one was something I will never forget.
- This is so stupid.
- RYAN: It all started with you.
You were my first partner, you deflowered me, - and I you.
- What? You made me laugh like no one was watching.
'Cause no one was.
I am standing here today because of you.
This is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire career, and I know now what I need not only in a life partner, but in a crime fighting scene partner.
So, the person who I'd like to accept this final rose is Oh, my God.
Cliffhanger.
(LAUGHS) Got ya! (MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, honey, I'm holy heck.
What's going on? Wait, where's our audience.
Apparently this episode went so far over budget, we couldn't afford an audience.
YouTube is stripping the set for parts and selling them to other shows.
I'm going to on "Young Sheldon.
" Oh, network, nice.
I got an overall deal at Netflix.
- Lucky.
- Wow.
- I'm quitting the business.
- Hm.
Smart.
I guess they're getting a jump start on the inevitable cancellation.
Apparently we're pre-cancelled.
- That's a thing? - With this show it is.
(SIGHS) Seems harsh.
And I was all excited to tell you all about our season finale.
Oh, no, you still can.
How'd it go? You're never gonna believe this.
The Captain is the one that shot Mathers.
Then Mathers woke up from her coma an shot the Captain.
That seems convenient.
Ah, worked at the time.
But now Mathers is awake, and me and Vince are finally clicking but I can only have one partner.
We were leaving it as a cliffhanger for season three, but you wanna know who I picked? Oh, it doesn't matter.
There's not gonna be a third season.
Oh, see? Even the camera guys are leaving.
Oh.
Well I don't know I thought we might have done enough to get another season.
You know? It was a pretty good finale.
A really cool season long mystery reveal.
Left it on an emotional cliffhanger.
Honey, it's not a cliffhanger if nobody cares.
I'll see ya outside, slugger.
Wait, you're going too? Yeah.
They already took away my parking pass.
Final fourth wall break here.
You know, I came to Hollywood from San Diego almost 15 years ago, with no training, no connections, and I've been a working actor for over a decade.
Got married, raised three beautiful girls here in Los Angeles, managed to put a roof over their heads and food on the table, all based on my ability as a supporting actor.
Never thought I'd have my own show, but I did, for two glorious seasons.
I even got a billboard on Sunset Boulevard.
Marlon Brando never had that.
Which is both impressive and sad if you think about it.
So if this really is our last season, and based on our viewership totals, it most def is.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who watched.
I know that pay wall's a real bummer, and we are not "Cobra Kai," but we tried to entertain you, and we had a lot of fun doing it.
So if you're out there watching this right now, with a dream to come to Hollywood and to make it big, I am here to tell you, buy that plane ticket.
Pack up that crappy car of yours and get out here.
Because that's what this town has always been built on dreamers.
I should know, because I'm Hey! You gotta go.
Uh, almost done here.
Final monologue.
Great, pal.
Finish it outside.
There's kind of a vibe happening here, though, - so if you don't mind - Take your vibe outside.
I don't think you understand, - see, I'm - Ryan Hansen.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wait, you know who I am? Of course.
I love that cop show you do.
Weird format, but me and the wife laughed.
Thank you so much.
You take care now.
Yeah, you too.
- SECURITY: Hey! - Yeah? You doing anymore episodes of your show? No, I don't think so.
(HISSING) My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't want none unless it's forever, son Check out that ring Now T'Challa's our king He drank the heart-shaped herb Made his brain go absurd How can we explainium We so rich with vibranium Yeah, our panther is black 'Cause none of ya whack My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't My Wakanda don't want none if it's forever Ow! Thank you so much, Kevin.
I really wanna be a part of it.
Wakanda all day.