Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e08 Episode Script

SABRINA: Can I have more mashed potatoes? - Of course.
- And I'll have more meat.
- Another roll, please.
- And I'll have more meat.
Hey, what's a cat have to do around here to get something dead? Salem, you've had enough to eat already.
No offence, but you're turning into a furry blimp.
[SCOFFS.]
Moi? I'm as lithe as a jungle cat.
Besides, so far today, I've only had ten of the 12 food groups.
What's left? Chocolate and lard? Maybe you should try dieting, Salem.
I don't need to diet, because I am not fat.
I am big-boned.
[GRUNTING.]
- Need a push? - You laugh, you die.
Nobody takes me seriously.
Please.
One little egg.
A scrap of sausage.
The crumbs from your toast.
[SOBBING.]
No.
It's not healthy for a cat to be overweight.
We're making you diet because we care about you.
Let me just lick the jam off your knife.
Oh, find some self-respect.
[SOBBING.]
Where are my Landlubbers? Refrigerator? What is she talking about? Landlubbers.
The classic bell-bottom pants that I wore at the San Francisco Be-In in the Summer of Love during the Age of Aquarius.
- Again, what is she talking about? - The '60s.
Oh, right.
Peace, love and no bathing.
I'm sorry, Hilda.
I threw those pants out years ago.
You never wore them.
I've been waiting 30 years for hip-huggers to come back in.
Now they're back and my hips remain unhugged.
- Can't you buy another pair? - No.
That company went out when straight-legs came in.
- Sorry about your bell-hugger hips.
- Hip-hugger bells.
Kids today just don't know history.
Oh.
I gotta get to school.
Where's my lunch? Not half-eaten and hidden in this drawer behind me, that's for sure.
[BELL RINGS.]
Quiet.
[SIGHS.]
I would say, "Good morning," but I work in a public high school.
So there are no good mornings for me.
BOY [COUGHS.]
: Loser.
Heard it.
Now, your English teacher, Mrs.
Reilly, had her baby last night, so she will be on maternity leave for the next six weeks.
Thank you, Bill Clinton.
Anyway, I will be taking over the class for her while she breast-feeds and bonds.
Starting tomorrow, - there will be a quiz every day.
ALL: Aww.
And tomorrow's will be on the first three chapters of The Waging of War by General Heinrich von Schlecht.
But we were studying Emily Dickinson.
Well, then, I got here just in time, didn't I? The Waging of War.
Six hundred and fifty-one pages of blood, sweat and blood.
At least we only have to read the first three chapters.
It only has four chapters.
Vanilla again? When do they change yogurt flavours at this school? Well, one day last year, they changed it to pistachio.
No, we thought it was pistachio.
Turned out the machine just needed cleaning.
VALERIE: Eww.
- Excuse me, Mrs.
Poopiepants? It's Poupiepenz.
It's French.
Oh, well, we were just wondering if it were possible to maybe get some new flavours in the yogurt machine? There you go.
Mocha.
Why do we bother expressing our opinions when no one ever listens to us? Maybe it's your voices.
They make a sound only other freaks can hear.
[BELL RINGS.]
Class.
Don't forget to visit the college fair this week.
Everyone can have a rewarding career, regardless of colour or gender, but not if you're an uneducated dolt.
So please, think of this as a week of discovery, and not just an excuse to miss class.
How about you doing an article on college week for the paper? You know, which booths were the most popular, who's going where-- Which booths had the best snacks.
Boy, you really don't flee from controversy, do you? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
You know, Val, you're doing a great job as editor.
You're really confident.
Really? Could you tell my mom? This is the young lady I was telling you about.
My star Algebra 2 student, Sabrina Spellman.
Heh-heh.
Your cheque's in the mail.
Huh? Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
So, Sabrina, you've thought about Franklin & Lee? It's one of the oldest colleges in America.
A very long tradition of academic excellence.
Hey, look at all the brick buildings.
Franklin & Lee delivers a fine education and turns out leaders.
Being a leader sounds good.
Why don't you take home one of our packets? I think you might be Franklin & Lee material.
Cool.
If you really mean that, can I have a bumper sticker? One can for breakfast, one can for lunch, then corn for dinner? I'd rather get locked in the dishwasher again.
- Sabrina, my love-- - No.
And I know you ate my lip balm.
Let it go.
It was a pair of pants.
They were my favourite pair of pants that I've ever owned.
Ugh.
I am not being a broken record.
Those were my favourite pair of pants.
Hi, Sabrina.
- Oh, The Waging of War.
- Funnier than I would have thought.
General Heinrich Von Schlecht.
What a loser he was.
- You knew him? - I dated him.
Oh, he could take over a country, but he couldn't pick up a cheque.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Man, well, then let me talk to your supervisor.
Hey.
Time for another check on my magic? Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess.
- I'm trying to get my landlord.
- You have a landlord? What did you think, I lived in a magic lamp? Actually, I did.
- So, what's up? - Got a mouse in my apartment.
Well, why don't you just catch it and set it free outside? Oh, it's an Other Realm mouse.
Try 275 pounds.
I'd like to see its exercise wheel.
Okay, look, your assignment is to brew up something from the new home supplement to your magic book.
"Brewing and Concocting With Too Hot Tamales.
" Yes.
Spells that not only work, but have a lovely presentation.
Time ball? What's a time ball? - That's one of our favourite recipes.
- We learned it on our trip to Atlantis.
- So, what does a time ball taste like? - You don't eat it.
You hold it, and your surroundings become whatever decade you think of.
Cool.
[BEEPS.]
Hey.
Remember those snakeskin tacos? - Yum.
- Oh, the best.
I want that mouse out.
Now, he makes long-distance phone calls, he listens to my CDs, doesn't put them away, and he chewed a hole in my couch.
Oh, now, he denies it, but I know it was him.
Whether he contributes to the rent or not is beside the point.
- It smells like sardines.
- Well, if it smells like sardines, - then you made it right.
- Thanks for your help.
Okay.
Guess I can go get Aunt Hilda's jeans.
Sixties, here I come.
Groovy.
Made a time ball, huh? Guess you passed.
Got a fro pick? Like, totally groovy.
I'd like to buy these pants.
Far-out.
I'd be happy to barter if you've got any sketches or poetry.
- All I have is money.
- Wow, that's such a metaphor.
Thank you.
Well, it's the end of an era.
Wow.
Customs was a breeze.
Look.
- My pants.
How did you get these--? - Time ball.
Oh, I wondered why we were in the '60s a minute ago.
So everyone knew the time changed? No, only witches.
Mortals are under the spell.
But it was nice to drink Tab again.
I wonder if there's any left? Check the cabinet.
SABRINA: How sad is this? Darned canned chilli.
Here's my Christmas list: can opener.
But you wouldn't be able to use a can opener.
To hit you with.
I'm on page 270.
How about you, Harvey? Nineteen? Maybe we should hang up.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Read.
And turn off ESPN.
Good night, time ball.
Can it be true? Do I smell sardines? It doesn't look like sardines.
Oh, who cares? [BELCHES.]
Oh.
I don't feel so good.
Maybe I should have chewed that thing.
And I'm too full to lick myself, so maybe I should just watch a little TV.
Hmm.
What's on at this hour anyway? [TV CLICKS ON.]
Infomercial.
Infomercial.
Oh, Hawaiian talk show.
Nope.
Infomercial.
[SIREN WAILING OVER TV.]
Yes.
The Mod Squad.
And it's a '60s marathon.
An entire night of Peggy Lipton.
Be still, my heart.
[BELCHES.]
Be still, my stomach.
[ALARM RINGS.]
Where did this come from? What's going on? How did I get back in the '60s? Where's my time ball? Oh, no.
Bummer.
This wheat germ is excellent.
I really feel it invigorating my chi.
Something's wrong.
Something's only wrong if you believe it's wrong.
Heavy.
Sabrina, we think it's beautiful you're playing with the time ball again.
I haven't.
That's what's wrong, whether we believe it's wrong or not.
The time ball's missing.
What are we gonna do? If we don't find the time ball, we can't reverse the effect.
Then we'll be stuck in the '60s forever.
All right, mellow out.
The only thing that's forever is our love for you.
- Very heavy.
- Very creepy.
[SNIFFING.]
Mmm, oh.
Solid.
Fresh laundry, still warm from the dryer.
Oh-ho.
Oh, to sleep, perchance to dream of Peggy Lipton.
Mmm.
Mmm.
You better get to school, or the man will lay a trip on you.
Do you have to talk like that? It's hard not to get swept away dressed like this.
But don't worry.
We'll just fill the house with positive vibes, and the muses will guide us to the time ball.
And looking.
Don't forget looking.
Peace.
What was she doing? Measuring to see if my skirt was long enough.
I passed.
Wouldn't it be easier to just wear jeans? [LAUGHS.]
You're serious.
Girls in pants at school? You come up with some wild ideas, Sabrina.
Hey.
Guess what I just bought.
- A '63 VW Bus.
- All right.
That's a good thing? Well, it only goes 38 miles an hour, but it is so out of sight.
- Are you gonna paint it? - You bet.
- Totally psychedelic.
- Oh, yes.
- Peter Maxx to the max.
- You're blowing my mind.
Well, don't make a mess.
I have to make a phone call.
I'll meet you guys in class, okay? Far-out.
Dial? These people were living in the Stone Age.
- I found my 12-string.
- Far-out.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Peace and love to you, whoever you are.
Did you guys find the time ball yet? Oh, right.
The time ball.
Oh, yeah.
I meant to look for that, but I got involved in my macramé.
Sorry, sister.
Look, it's round, it rolls, it could be anywhere.
Is that a haiku? [BELL RINGS.]
Listen, that's the bell.
I have to go to class.
I'll check in with you guys later.
- Didn't you guys hear the bell? - That bell is the man's bell.
Okay, but you did hear it, right? What's wrong, Sabrina? You seem so uptight.
I'm just nervous about the quiz on The Waging of War.
We have to stop the war.
Stop the war.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: Stop the war.
Stop the war.
- Absolutely.
Right on.
- Mr.
Kraft? - Power to the people.
ALL: Yeah.
I have a question about the quiz today.
A quiz? No, no, no.
A quiz can only test you on what you've been told, not who you are.
So does that mean it's open-book? You know, I think I'm gonna take the whole class outside today, because we need to continue our discussion on the dangers of America becoming a police state.
Isn't this an English class? No.
This is a life class, Sabrina.
Life is a life class.
Heh.
STUDENT: Oh.
Heavy.
- Huh? It's like a song.
In fact, sing with me, everybody.
What shall we sing? - "Kumbaya.
" KRAFT: "Kumbaya.
" You're beautiful, Harvey.
Okay.
Someone's loving.
ALL [SINGING.]
: Someone's loving, Kumbaya Beautiful.
Someone's dreaming.
Someone's dreaming, Kumbaya Louder for extra credit.
Someone's loving, Kumbaya Outside.
Someone's loving-- Okay.
This is weird, but at least it's not a test on a fat book.
Kumbaya [MUTTERING.]
Peggy Lipton.
Peggy, don't fall down.
[SNORES.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
Freeze, sucker.
[GUNS COCK.]
Peggy.
Kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord - What's this? - A sit-in.
Against the war? No.
Against the lack of vegetarian food on the cafeteria menu.
[STUDENTS HUMMING.]
We will not eat our female friends.
ALL: Yeah! Are you in? If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the problem.
No beef.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: No beef.
No beef.
No beef.
It's so exciting to be part of this movement.
And tofu will grow on you, right? No beef.
No beef.
I have a message here from the principal.
Starting tomorrow, the cafeteria will serve vegetarian meat loaf, fish sticks and meatless sloppy joes.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I also have a message from your parents.
Get off the floor.
Sloppy joes? How about sloppy sues, sexist pig? Oh, shave your legs.
Wow, they listened to us.
I can't believe it.
No successful guy is gonna wanna marry a radical, Sabrina.
ALL: Boo! - Oh, boo all you want.
Grooming, shopping and social climbing are grand traditions that will never die.
Freaks.
Hey, we're all freaks.
- And proud of it.
- Freak power.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: Freak power.
Freak power.
Freak power.
Freak power.
I like this decade.
Freak power.
Freak power.
Freak power.
BOTH [CHANTING.]
: Om [PHONE RINGS.]
I hear bells.
Have I reached nirvana? - It's the phone.
- Oh.
Hey, guys, don't worry about finding the time ball.
I'm having a blast.
We don't have to go to class, everyone hates Libby, and except for the fact that a few people smell, this era rocks.
Here's the article I wrote on college week.
Why are you giving it to me? You're the editor of the school paper.
[LAUGHS.]
Me? I'm a girl.
I am secretary of the Future Homemakers of America Club, Chapter 732.
Would they like this article? Here you go.
I think I'm ready to let Franklin & Lee turn me into a leader.
I beg your pardon? - I filled out the questionnaire.
- How nice for you.
Why don't you just take it over to the Sarah Lawrence booth and let me do my job? Hey, Franklin & Lee, fella? We build leaders of tomorrow at Franklin & Lee.
But I think I wanna go to Franklin & Lee.
Listen.
Franklin & Lee is a men's college.
Now, I understand if you wanna get your M-R-S, but we still can't let girls in.
M-R-S? Missus? You think I want a husband? Something wrong, Sabrina? I'm so offended.
Franklin & Lee won't talk to me because I'm a girl.
That's because men rule the world.
And they do it by oppressing women.
Forcing us into stereotypical roles and shoes that create permanent foot problems.
Here.
Let's take off our bras and burn them in defiance of the misogynistic patriarchy.
You know what? I have to meet Harvey, but maybe we can burn our underwear together later.
Oh, Sabrina, remember.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Look what I got.
- What is it? - It's a new cartridge for my 8-track.
I can't believe we can listen to tapes while we drive.
Yeah, what's next? Car phones? Hey.
Something wrong? Yeah, I'm sick of living in this stupid backwards decade.
- Backwards? - A major college won't even talk to me because I'm a woman.
Why do you need college? Let's stick to our plan.
After graduation, we load up my bus and travel the country, just following the music.
That's not a plan.
That's a bad vacation.
What about my future, my career? You don't need a career.
You're my lady.
We'll grow our own food.
You'll have my children.
And someday, if it's not too much of a hassle, I might even marry you.
I'm sorry.
I stopped listening after, "My lady.
" Isn't it fun to eat cheese without knowing that it's bad for us? You know, this fondue pot would make a great wedding gift.
We've gotta find that time ball.
Hey, chicks.
What's the haps? Yum.
Fondue.
- I smell sardines.
- Interesting thought, but sardines and hot cheese are not a combo you're gonna wanna put together.
No, I smell sardines on your breath.
Salem, you ate my time ball.
No, I didn't.
What time ball? - The one I left on my desk.
- Oops.
I mean, what time ball? All right, fork it over.
Yeah, Salem, I am getting really sick of sitting on the floor - with my legs crossed.
- What am I supposed to do? It's in my stomach.
Well, by now, my duodenum.
- In any case, you're not getting it.
- I know just what to do.
This better not involve a rubber glove.
- Just getting your fur-ball medicine.
- So we can fix time again.
But I hate my fur-ball medicine.
I don't care what it says on the label, it does not taste like bubble gum.
I won't take it and you can't make me.
Nah-ah-ah.
Unless you want a great nephew born in a van, named Moonbeam, grab him.
Ha-ha.
Your evil plan backfired.
I'm skinny enough to get through my cat door.
- You'll never catch me now.
- Oh, no, Salem.
- Now what do we do? - Get a dog? I didn't know how difficult the '60s were for women.
We've come a long way in 30 years.
You wanna talk about a tough time for women, try the 1560s.
You couldn't own your own hovel.
And you had to marry whatever bootblack or wheelwright your family picked for you.
You could spend all day sharpening his axe or cleaning his musket, but you weren't even allowed to kill your own dinner.
SALEM: Can I come out now? Not until we get back that time ball.
- Glad Salem came home.
- I knew he would.
He's not exactly cut out for the mean streets.
Plus, he missed a whole week of his stories.
SALEM: Well, can I at least have a magazine?