Samantha Who? s02e08 Episode Script

You know how when light hits a prism it divides into a spectrum of colors? Well, it's the same with people.
I don't mean they're different colors.
Well, they are, But i mean in the bright light of day, They reveal a whole spectrum of character between good and bad.
Me? I'm on the far end-- Supergood--Which is hard work, But some things are worth sinking yourself into.
Oh! Oh! Hey.
Yeah.
Do you think owen knows how much money he has And that he could actually pay people to build this park For these kids instead of us doing it? Well, when owen and i were together, He always said, "things worth doing shouldn't be easy," That throwing money at a problem Is never as rewarding as doing the work yourself.
No, i-I actually-- No, i say that, too.
I do.
Oh, and the showering? Doesn't suck either, huh? Em, hahahahaha.
Memories.
You should be the one with amnesia.
You really should.
- Hey.
How are my favorite volunteers? - Yeah.
Ah.
Wait.
Hold on a minute.
I got dirt.
Ahh.
Keep up the good work.
You know me.
Give till it hurts.
Aah! Now it hurts.
Chase thinks i love my dogs more than him And that maybe if i detach a little bit-- I'm sorry, but there's mud in your hair.
What? Still? Where? Over there.
I wasn't gonna say anything, But it was starting to make me sick.
Oh, i just installed these low-Flow showerhead, Because owen says it's just better for the earth.
Yay! I love it so much.
Oh, my god! Tony dane, my famous basketball player boyfriend, Just texted me a smiley face for our 2-Week anniversary.
See? A colon and a parenthesis.
You know, if you type in "5-8-0-0-8" And then turn it upside down, it says "boobs.
" I don't get to pick my memories.
Ooh.
Oh, you both got the steak tartar, huh? - Oh, it looks good.
- Yeah, i'm not gonna finish.
- You wanna share it? - Uh, actually i--Thank you.
I quit eating meat.
- Excuse me? - Owen says that in some places, Bovine wind actually destroys the ozone.
What is bovine wind? Oh.
Mm.
And i'm done.
Do you really enjoy being this person? Yeah.
I mean, if i didn't, i wouldn't be doing it.
- Sam.
- I want to punch myself in the eye.
You know what? A wise man said that things worth doing aren't always easy.
And who said that? Owen? This isn't a book report.
I don't need to cite my sources.
Oh, my god! Tony dane, my famous basketball player boyfriend, Just finally invited me out.
- Hey.
- Oh, this is exciting.
- When's the big night? - Tomorrow night.
I only have one day to pluck, wax, buff, trim, moisturize and wax.
You said "wax" twice.
I'm italian.
- Sam? - Mm-Hmm? What happened to the showerhead? Oh, i, uh, replaced it with a new low-Flow one.
You like it? It felt like i was standing next to a tall man sneezing into my face.
Also i replaced all of our plastic water bottles With new reusable ones that taste like metal.
You're welcome.
I don't want to do this, sam.
Going blind from dim fluorescent bulbs, having to wash dishes by hand Because i can't use the dishwasher? We all have to do our part.
I don't.
I-I-I'm not dating owen.
And--And where was all this when we were together? All what? You know, changing just to please me.
I'm not changing to please anybody.
And you know what? I would have changed for you If it meant me becoming a better person.
I wouldn't have wanted you to Because i know you would have ended up resenting me for it.
Well, guess what? Now you're the resenting one Because you feel less than super In the face of my being so super-Duper.
Great.
Wouldn't want to bring you down.
Oh, and i wasn't gonna tell you this, but, um, The fluorescent bulbs make you look older.
They do not.
And i don't care if they do.
And they do not! And i love saving the world.
I love it ! I love it.
I love it! Samantha Who.
S2E08 The Park - There you go.
- Oh.
Plastic bottles? You said that every time somebody drinks out of a plastic bottle, Another person dies.
Yeah, well, you know what? What if they were supposed to die, you know? This is roast beef.
What about bovine wind? You know what? Without wind, you don't have windmills.
And without windmills, you don't have holland Or hollandaise sauce.
Dutch apple pie.
Abba.
Sam, did you and owen break up? No, she's just cheating on him.
I am not cheating on him.
I'm just giving myself some slack, you know? And this way, i'm not gonna resent owen And i can be with him and i can also be myself.
Oh.
And owen's okay with this? Oh, no.
No, i wouldn't do this in front of him.
No way.
He would not like that.
So you are cheating.
No.
Cheating is lying, all right? I'm just doing something that i don't want him to know about.
Is that lying? You know, it's a very gray area.
It really isn't.
You know, i think it's healthy to keep secrets from your man.
You know, your father, to this day, Doesn't know i stopped breast-Feeding you at 4 weeks.
I mean, these just couldn't take it.
No, i switched you to formula.
You turned out fine.
I turned out mean and soulless.
Well, maybe if i hadn't cut it with that nondairy creamer times were hard.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Andrea belladona? Yes, that's me.
Mr.
Dane's car is waiting outside.
He sent me a car? Tony dane sent me a car? Do you think he can come inside so people can see us together? - No.
- Oh.
Oh.
So where's my guy? Come on.
Get in.
- Hey.
- Come on.
Get in.
Hey.
Hey.
You people have the wrong car.
You thought you were gonna be alone? I like that.
No, dena, i can't go shopping with you today.
I have to go finish the park with owen today.
Maybe next week? No, wait a minute.
Next week we're hosing oil off pelicans.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Have fun without me, though, okay? All right.
Bye.
- Hey.
You about ready to go? - Yeah.
- I got your mask.
- Mask? Yeah, we're spreading manure for the lawn today.
Don't want to get that stuff in your lungs.
If i knew it was manure day, i would have set the alarm for earlier.
Owen! Hey, what is it? What's wrong? I just threw up.
Oh, that came on fast.
You all right? No.
I'm sorry.
I should go home.
- I'll come with you.
- No! No, you can' just you--You have to go finish the park for those kids, So that they they have a place to exercise and be healthy, So that they don't get sick like me.
Okay, well, we'll miss you.
Yeah, i'll miss you, too.
Now get out of here before i throw up in my mask.
Go.
Go.
You are one handsome woman.
Oh, god.
And i normally use that phrase for someone mannish or elderly.
When they did the lobotomy, did they go in through your eye? Huh? I hear you went out with tony dane last night.
Yes, i did, and he was wonderful.
It was perhaps the greatest evening of my young adult life.
- You were in the entourage, huh? - Yeah, what the hell is that about.
I never even saw the guy.
The limo was packed.
It was like a clown car, Jammed full of the world's most beautiful clowns.
There's levels, okay? You don't just? You gotta work your way up.
In the limo means you've made the roster.
Well, i'm about to cut myself from the team.
Tony invited me to club roulette tonight, And i'm about to ? Club roulette ? No no no.
You have to go.
That's the inner circle.
Yeah? Wait a minute.
Why are you so desperate to get me together with tony? Because the quicker you are done with him, The sooner you shall be mine.
When it comes to you, the only thing i shall be is repulsed.
No, this is good, what we're doing.
- Yeah.
- You know, this is better than Building a park, 'cause we're-- We're creating jobs.
We're stimulating the economy.
- Oh, my god.
- What? - I love the strap on those shoes.
- Ooh.
Ohh, is that silk? Oh, my god.
That would look so good - With a pair of jeans.
- Sam? - Huh? Aah! - Hi.
Willow, hi.
Willow.
Uh, dena, this is willow, Owen's best friend, who he talks to all the time.
Hi.
I'm samantha's best friend who she talks to all the time.
Oh, wow.
Well, enough about me.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, guess who wore through another shovel? You.
So how are you? Owen said you were sick.
Yeah, exactly, Because that's you konw, that's, uh, that's what i wanted him to think.
- I don't understand.
- Because you know what? You don't ever let me finish, willow.
Because see all these clothes that we bought? These are for poor people who can't afford their own.
- They are? - Yeah, But look, really, really, please don't tell owen.
He'll be so upset about this.
You know, he hates to throw money at things.
I mean, that's what you said.
You said that.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, bye.
Bye, fellow do-Gooder.
Owen won't know, right? I mean, i-I pulled that off, didn't i? Uh, well, hard to say.
Is willow very, very stupid? - No.
- Then you're dead.
- Hello? - Hey.
Hey.
Is that owen? - Sure.
That sounds great.
- Is it him? Is it him? Does he sound mad? - Okay.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Hey.
Hey.
- No, that was frank - Oh, god.
Telling me owen was on his way up.
What? Now? Todd! So what did you do now? I lied to owen about being sick So i didn't have to scoop poop in the park.
And then i ran into willow while i was shopping, So now he's probably here to break up with me.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Are you still dating willow? No, that didn't work out.
She met some-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need you to call her And see if she talked to owen, all right? Oh, god.
This is a disaster! Maybe willow didn't say anything And owen's here to see how you're feeling.
Wise up, man.
Women talk, okay? We are terrible people.
Hey, owen.
Come in.
Come in.
Hey.
How's she doing? Huh.
Hey, puke-Y.
How you feeling? Oh, achy, stiff, The occasional diarrhea.
Yeah, but we can't wash the sheets because we're saving water.
Thank you for all your help, todd.
You can go now.
Good, 'cause i'd hate to get the occasional diarrhea.
So how did it go at the park today? We finished.
We missed you, though.
Yeah.
I was sick, very sick.
I know.
You told me.
Yeah.
Why? Did, uh, someone say i wasn't? - Why would they say that? - I don't know.
I just, um, I just think that there should be a level of trust.
- Agreed.
- Because, you know, without trust, Then i don't know what we're doing here.
Oh.
Uh, listen.
Hey, i bought some soup for you.
All right, enough with the charade, okay? I'm tired of these games, owen.
I know that willow told you i wasn't sick, And you know what? I don't care, because you need to know that i'm weak, That i've been cheating on you.
What--What do you mean, cheating? I cannot live this lifestyle anymore.
It's just too much.
And, like, last week, i was gonna recycle this--This soda can, right? But the recycling bin was, like, way down the street, So i just stood there for, like, half an hour, Deciding whether or not the--The rubber i would lose off my shoes was--Was Worth the metal i was gonna save by recycling the can Because i know how much we care about the endangered rubber trees apparently, And i just really don't want to think that hard about trash.
Sam, you don't have to do all this.
You just have to be you, not me.
Yeah, but what if-- What if me likes meat? Me likes wearing leather? And me likes long showers? And i am talking like a muppet.
I don't care.
I don't expect you to do all the things i do.
Being me is a major pain in the ass.
- Yeah, it really is.
- I know.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, willow never said anything.
Oh.
Wow.
She's a very nice lady.
Or perhaps not very bright at all.
Hey, andrea.
You came.
What the hell? Tony's text said i was supposed to be in the v.
I.
P.
Room.
I know.
This is the v.
I.
P room.
So where is he? Oh, tony's in the v.
I.
P.
'S v.
I.
P.
Room.
Oh, my god! Is there no end? It's like those russian nesting dolls.
Ugh! I'm out.
Oh, come on.
You think tony dane likes a quitter? He's a professional athlete.
It's all about the competition.
So what am i supposed to do, wrestle one of these skanks to the ground? Well, as much as i would enjoy that, I mean competition with other guys.
Just start making out with the first guy you see.
Right now.
It could be anyone.
The guy standing right in front of you, like here in the general vicinity of where i am.
Yes.
That's a good idea.
That could work.
Hey, tony dane! Thanks for your help.
Pleasure.
You know, you could say thank you.
That was my idea.
You look great tonight.
Thank you.
I feel good.
It's actually kind of nice to just be able to throw the closet door open And pick out whatever i wanted to wear Without having to think about what it was made of Or whether little foreign children were involved.
Cotton, silk and no.
Whatever.
Salad for the lady? Uh, actually, i'm the salad.
Yeah.
And i'm the steak.
Moo! - Well, enjoy.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, hey, uh, uh, i don't know if i told you this before, But the mayor is gonna be at the park dedication next sunday.
Really? That's so exciting.
There's a slim chance the governor will be there, Although not really expecting anything-- I can't believe that you're eating steak in front of me, Participating in the eventual destruction of the world.
I'm sorry.
What? What did you just say? Uh, nothing.
I was just talking about the governor.
Oh.
Right.
Um, the governor.
Of course.
I'm sorry i interrupted you.
Oh, no, no.
I was just saying that the governor will show up To these things-- You selfish, lazy hypocrite.
It must be impossible for you to wake up in the morning And look yourself in the face and know that you are A pathetic human being.
It is.
It really, really is.
Is what? - What? - You said "it is.
" Yeah.
It is.
The steak--It is, um, meaty.
Moo! I mean, i should be happy, right? What is wrong with me? That's a rhetorical question, by the way.
Or maybe it's not.
You know, i'm finally getting to be myself around owen And he's letting me, And i'm still not happy.
Samantha, sweetheart, Do you remember what i always said to you Whenever i would meet one of your new boyfriends? No, i don't.
I would say, "samantha, you can do better.
" Really? You think i can? Not this time.
Owen's perfect.
I know he is.
So i have to suck it up and just be better, And one day we'll have the perfect wedding And perfect kids and the perfect life, And i'll be perfectly miserable forever.
Well, you have to let me help you pick out your wedding dress.
'Cause, you know, since the accident, You've just have forgotten what you look good in.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I mean, owen is everything that i've ever wanted in someone Except for this one tiny, little detail-- That when i'm with him, i feel like crap.
Listen.
You know, the truth is, someone can be perfect on paper.
It doesn't mean they're perfect for you.
You know, if someone described your father to me, I'd think they were talking about a saint bernard.
But when i'm with him, I feel great.
I want to feel like that.
How do you break up with the perfect person? I mean, he's done nothing wrong.
Well, you tell him you're moving.
And if that doesn't work, you fake your own death.
I'm not gonna fake my own death.
I can barely fake being sick.
No, i'm gonna i'm gonna tell him the truth, 'cause he deserves that.
Okay.
Do you know i have an old boyfriend back in minneapolis Who still thinks i'm dead? I always wondered what it would be like to just Kind of drop by one day and say hi.
Oh, that would be funny.
Yeah.
That'd be a riot.
Come in.
Hey, owen, i i know i should have called first, But i really just needed to get this-- Oh, you're nursing a baby lamb.
Yeah.
Cute, huh? A rescue organization i started a couple of years ago saved him.
His mom was taken to slaughter.
But i'm gonna foster him for the next couple of weeks, And then he's going to a petting zoo for the blind.
Of course you are.
- So what's going on? - I, um i don't know how to say this, - Because it just seems-- - Wait.
No.
I was gonna surprise you with this on sunday, - But i have to do it now, okay? - Okay.
You know the park that we've been working on uh-Huh.
Well, we're dedicating it to you.
Because you've worked so hard to transform yourself, Just like we transformed a vacant lot into a beaiful space.
I'm moving.
Moving? To where? Portland.
What? Wow.
Well, at least i have offices in oregon.
We can see each other all the time.
Mississippi.
Portland, mississippi.
- Never of heard of it.
- It's a small town.
It's a little, tiny town.
It's actually on a floodplain, so it kind of comes and goes.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey That's not true.
I'm lying.
- Sorry? - I'm not moving.
- Oh.
- Owen, I want to be a good person, But when i'm with you, I'm reminded that i'm not as good as i want to be.
So i can say in complete honesty that it's not you.
It's me because of you.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, i-I had a feeling this was coming.
You're not the first one to have trouble with all this.
Oh.
You mean willow? And aimee.
And karen.
And lisa.
Like i said, i'm a major pain in the ass.
You want to hold the little guy? Oh, Nah.
I'll probably just eat him.
So okay, baby steps.
Because as much as you may want something, Not everything is always in your grasp.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't reach for it.
It's definitely better than standing there doing nothing.
Hey.
I'll get you up there, buddy.
Mommy! Stranger! No,nono! I was just-- I was just helping with the-- No touching.
No touching.
Hey.
Guys am i a better person than i was before? Oh, please.
You're so disgustingly good, I'm surprised you don't live with seven dwarves.
- Really? - I'd even let you babysit my dogs, And that's the biggest compliment i can give anybody.
Thank you, dena.
It means a lot to me.
- So would you? - Would i what? Babysit my dogs, because my therapist wants Chase and i to go away for a couple of days without them.
- Look at this.
Look at this.
It worked! - What? Tony's finally calling me.
Okay, well, what are you waiting for? Will you answer the phone? You think i should? - Definitely.
- Yes.
You guys know nothing about men.
Yes! Okay, so i couldn't make it work with the perfect guy, But it doesn't make me a bad person, because hey, Would a bad person get a whole park named after her? I think not.