Scrubs s02e08 Episode Script

As a doctor, you spend about a third of your nights sleeping at the hospital, but in truth, not a lot of sleeping takes place.
- Dr Reid.
- I'm not sucking my thumb.
Mr Rodriguez is coding.
- You look pretty.
- Thank you.
You learn to appreciate the little things, Iike waking up in your own bed.
Of course, if there's someone there with you - Sorry I woke you.
- I'll live.
that's just gravy.
Yep, there's nothing like mornings at home.
- Hey, there, sunshine.
- Morning.
I forgot Carla is staying with us while her building is being fumigated.
Hey, don't use Rowdy to cover up your giblets.
Apologize.
T ell me why we have no milk or orange juice, but, like, 40 fruit cups in here? The average resident owes over $100,000 in med school loans and makes about as much as a waiter.
So you have to do things to make ends meet.
Like you can cover someone's shift.
Or you can steal stuff from the hospital.
Or you can moonlight at an urgent care centre.
Or you can steal stuff.
Or your dad can pay for everyhing.
Or Well, you know.
- Is it clear? - Come on, come on.
Go! Go! Run! - Hold up.
- Why? There's been several thefts.
We're doing bag checks.
What about that guy taking scrubs? Hey, Tom.
He doesn't have a bag.
Go ahead, narc.
I'm clean.
Yeah? Of course, if he was checking my trunk - Pudding.
Score! - Come on! Let's go, let's go! Get me a butterscotch, buddy.
Come on! I did that cardioversion, I extubated Mrs Bays, and I finished all the transfer summaries - on the nursing-home patients.
- Well, what can I say? You did exceptional work today, Newbie, and I'm proud of you.
Did he just wink at me? - Is there a problem? - I'm just so happy.
- No, no problem, sir.
- Attaboy.
And, Laverne, what is that delightfully naught-ay scent you're wearing? It's called Twelve-Hour Shift.
- Yeah, it is.
- Why the hell is he so cheery? Because I did exceptional work today.
Hey, babe.
I ordered the fight on pay-per-view, got a six-pack of beer.
- We are leaving this second.
- Hop on, Blondie.
Come here.
Oh, Perry gonna get some loving Perry gonna get some loving Oh, Perry gonna get some Is there one bathroom in this damn place that has toilet paper, or do I have to start carrying around a basket of leaves? This is the reason why your headache didn't go away.
That's actually pronounced analgesic, not "anal"-gesic.
Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
We're going to be short a doctor tomorrow, so if you've got a friend that wants an extra 300 bucks And they said they'll pay you Sweet! Dude, you are like the best friend ever.
Hell, yeah.
My mother lives with me all year.
My Aunt has to take care of her for one week and she won't stop bitching.
My dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
- You don't seem stressed out.
- I haven't pooed in six days.
Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
You really pick odd things to brag about.
I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.
Hey, guys.
Gyno Girls, twelve o'clock.
Obstetrics and Gynaecology is a specialty that's usually dominated by women.
Dr Reid, I'm Dr Gerson.
We were just wondering if you have any thoughts about your specialty, because we really think you're OB/GYN material.
Being a Gyno Girl is a lot like being in a sorority.
JD, I can't go with Dr Gerson because I have to help you, right? Give me a second.
I'm figuring something out for a patient.
I'm glad we all finally experimented with each other, but I'll never do it again.
Dammit.
- Julie! - Hey, Rob! Good to see you.
Hey, Dan! God, I just hate that every doctor you ever gave a drug sample to sniffs around you like a little puppy dog.
I never gave those guys anything.
I slept with them.
Great.
Those Gyno Girls are putting the pressure on.
We must have looked at a hundred women's bajingos today.
Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo.
I mean, I can't even look at my own bajingo, you know? Is that because it looks so much like a vagina? Carla, there's people! You know, forget it.
I'm gonna tell them I'm not interested.
I think you should.
- Sir, why are you laughing? - Who knows? It could be the funny face I made with my peas.
But, gun to my head, I'd say I'm laughing at the notion that you could stand up to anyone.
There we go.
Moonlighting sucks, but Turk and I make do.
Now, will a lollipop put a smile on your face? How about if Dr Turk sings Jimmy Crack Corn? How about if Dr Turk sings Jimmy Crack Corn as Neil Diamond? - OK.
- Hit it.
Hold this for me.
Dr Dorian, we could use you again tomorrow if you'd like to make another $300.
Luckily for Turk, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Not unlike this tapioca pudding.
We're zeroing in on the guy that's been stealing stuff.
Oh.
Well, that's good.
Yep.
In fact, right now I'm dusting for fingerprints.
- Really? - Nah, I'm just dusting.
I finished those discharge dictations you wanted, and I was able to get Mrs Jeskie on the transplant list.
And here comes the wink.
OK, maybe I'll start it off.
My God, Sabrina, you had better tell me you had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that holds that lid up, because you did not just wink at me.
I didn't mean anything by it.
I wink at everybody.
Hey, Dr Kelso.
Save it for the bathhouses, sport.
Oh, boy.
Don't be angry at Bambi.
I'm not.
My girlfriend serviced most of the staff.
I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
What about the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the radiology nurse, your ex-wife - Would you get off my ex-wife? - I will if you will.
Dammit.
Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
So, Dad, how are things at home? Good, good.
Your mom re-did the bedroom again.
I'm going to keep mine the way it is.
You don't want to be a couple that does everything together.
Sorry.
- Hello? - I just wanted you to know, I faced up to those Gyno Girls with a very strong and clear "no, thank you.
" Yes, I heard about your note.
The point is that I'm out.
That was your mom.
She said to say something.
So, did Dr Gerson ever contact you? You told her to talk to me? She went to med school with a colleague at my hospital.
Come on, I want to go see the department.
Paging Dr Backbone to the Bajingo Ward.
You wanna grab a couple of beers tonight? Can't.
I'm moonlighting at urgent care.
That's funny.
The lady didn't call me.
Because I found out you stole $1 00 from me, - and I Marcia Brady'd your ass.
- What? When Marcia worked at the ice-cream shop, and she got Jan a job, and they liked Jan better so they fired Marcia.
Marcia Gets Creamed, season five, episode three.
Don't ever question me on The Bunch.
There's no way they liked you better than me.
Then maybe it's because I told her that you smoke the ganja.
What? That's not even true.
You're a jackass.
Where you going? Munchies? - Stay tuned for Survivor.
- I so don't think so.
Hey, I was watching that.
I know, but it's my place, so it's house rules.
Look, I feel like I owe you an apology here.
Really? For what? Just for being so jealous and pissy lately.
I guess I just kinda got hung up on the fact that you were with, you know, Dr Jasper, and Dr Michaels, and Dr Stone Was it his ear hair? Is that what was so compelling about him? Never mind.
The point is that this relationship here is about the present, and it's about the future, and I won't let anything from our past ever get in our way again.
- Deal? - Deal.
Keys still work.
Excellent.
Jordan, please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's making its way through your digestive system.
Don't worry.
It's not your baby.
Though not for lack of trying.
See, we have sex a lot.
- Who are you? - Who do you think I am? Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say the maid.
Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan.
Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie.
OK, that was a treat, wasn't it? Would you like me to call you a cab, or have the flying monkeys bring the broom around? Oh, no.
He called you his girlfriend.
If I were you, I'd gather your tiny panties up, because I think you're done.
I'm already bored by you.
I will be in the bedroom.
Come join me when Tubby leaves.
Who did that to you? I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock full of available, wealthy men - So it was the bellboy? - Or busboy, or pool-boy.
Something "boy.
" I don't know.
Anyway, when I first found out, I panicked.
Then I thought, I've been drifting through life all these years.
I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me.
Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
Cut out the middle man and have a therapist deliver him.
Honestly, Jordan, why are you telling me this? Because I've also decided that I want you back.
Yep, we got him.
And he's gonna pay.
They're arresting him for stealing pudding and toilet paper? No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack.
Did you steal pudding and toilet paper? What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper.
I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
- Bidet? - Bidet to you, sir.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
I thought I was going to see you last night.
I frickin' caught an EMT shift, and I was riding in an ambulance all night.
That's cool.
Did they let you run the siren? I'm not talking to you.
And yes.
- Quit being such a baby.
- Bab You stole my job.
- You stole my money.
- That was a finder's fee.
Oh, yeah? Well, find this! You should grab your crotch when you say that.
Wouldn't that hurt? So this is where we all hang out.
It's neat, huh? It's a hellhole.
Dad, whyare you so set on me being an OB/GYN? Look, honey, your highest income potential as a female physician is in obstetrics.
But don't you think that maybe it's time that you left those sort of things up to me? Well, since I paid for your college, your medical school, your car, and now your apartment and your living expenses, I'd have to say "no.
" Good God.
Someone vomited on my hotdog.
It's chilli, Dad, OK? And you know what? I appreciate everything you've given me, but it's my life.
Now stop complaining and enjoy your damn meal.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
Jordan, I don't know what to tell you.
Are you ever coming in, Perry? You can join us, but I doubt you'll fit on the bed.
OK, have one last fling, but I'll be back, and until then, everywhere you look, you'll see me.
Everywhere anybody looks, they'll see you.
- Oh, it is so on.
- Bring it.
Oh, God Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
So now you're ignoring me? Because of you I gotta ride around in an ambulance and you know I get carsick.
Come on, Turk.
Turk.
Hey, idiot.
Ha.
I said "idiot" and you looked.
Hey, help me carry this computer to my van.
You can't just take a computer.
Help me or we check the trunk of your car.
Stay low.
Look, morning sickness sucks.
Believe me, I know.
I've been there.
Hey, Jordan, are you Are you crying? No.
I don't know.
I'm just completely hormonal.
I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Give me a break.
I can knock that out on the way to work.
Hey, lady, I'm proud of what you're doing here.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Thanks.
Last chance.
Do you want me or not? Oh, Jordan, I'm so sorry, but Forget it.
I was kidding.
I was kidding, really.
- Help me up.
- Help you up? Help me up.
You'll need two hands.
You think you could help me out? Carla, why won't Turk let this go? Marie, she's only with you for one week.
- Carla - Hold on a second.
Bambi, I've got ten messages from my mother, my Aunt Marie keeps calling me about my mother, I gotta run home and put out canned cat food because the dry stuff doesn't cut it anymore, plus Turk and l can't be together cos I'm working doubles and he's moonlighting so we can send my mother to a decent retirement community.
- So what, Bambi, what? - We'll talk later.
Carla said something that made me realize what I had to do.
That's it for me.
I'm gonna get my stuff and leave.
- What are you doing in here? - She said "we.
" - What? - Carla, she said "we.
" "We" need to scrape some money together.
And it wasn't just like a "we're dating" we.
It was a "we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together" we.
I don't know, man.
That just seems big to me.
Yeah, I know.
Can I run the siren? Yeah, all right.
Make it quick.
So you finally stood up to your father? Yep.
And he cut you off, no money, no nothing? - Pretty much.
- Jerk.
Wow, this is a big place.
Do you know where I could find some boxes? So, is your ex-wife like, "all women are crazy" crazy, or more like "that assistant who tasered David Spade" crazy? You've got to try and understand, she's going through a rough time right now, and she's used to leaning on me, which in her current condition is actually causing me more physical pain than it is emotional.
But, still, it sure was silly of her to try to make me choose between the two of you.
I guess it was a pretty easy decision, huh? Well, when I really had a chance to think about it, it turns out it was the easiest decision I ever made.
I was always going to wind up with you.
So the whole vulnerable crying thing worked, huh? I never had a chance.
You do realize I'm pregnant, don't you? Yeah, they're both for me.
Cheers.
You know, I keep waiting to get sick of pudding, but with every cup I love it more.
Me, too.
So, you gonna marry her? Yeah, I think so.
- I'm sorry I ripped you off.
- Ah, forget it.
You can keep the hundred bucks.
I was gonna, man.
I was gonna.
I usually don't like thinking about the future.
Let's face it, you can't predict what's gonna happen.
But sometimes the thing you didn't expect is what you really wanted after all.
Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you're going and enjoy where you're at.
All right, now, who wants a refill? - I can't afford this place.
- Elliot, I'm $1 30,000 in debt.
You're gonna be all right.
Come on, let's dance, stud.