Six Feet Under s02e08 Episode Script

That one's gonna be for the highlight reel this weekend.
As we take another look If you don't get your fat ass in gear you're gonna be late for work.
I just sat down.
Come on.
You only got this job two weeks a year.
All right.
You know, this goddamn suit itches like hell.
You could lose a little padding here.
Careful.
Only good little girls get presents.
No flirting with the faggoty elves.
Can I help it if the elves think I'm a stud? You are a stud.
But you're my stud.
- Careful.
- Yeah, like hell.
You're a loser.
Is that Santa? It is.
It's Santa.
Hi, Santa! You told me Donald Green was Jewish.
I don't know.
His shop was closed on Yom Kippur.
He sent us a Christmas card with a baby Jesus on it.
So he's not Jewish.
- We sent him one with a dreidel on it.
- Now he thinks we're Jewish.
Is Brenda Jewish? Yeah, sort of.
Her dad's Jewish, and her mom was raised Catholic, I think.
But now they're atheists.
I think.
How would your children be raised? We haven't gotten that far yet, Mom.
Is she coming to Christmas dinner? I'm making my list.
That's the plan.
Christmas Eve at her mother's place, and then Christmas dinner here.
- So I'll write you down for two.
- Great.
- David? - You can put me down for one.
But what about Keith? Aren't the two of you Yes, we're having healthy, affection-based sex on a regular basis.
Twice a day sometimes.
Why won't you bring him here for Christmas? Are you ashamed of us? Of course not.
Taylor's living with him now.
They're having their own Christmas.
Invite them both.
I'm cooking a goose.
Don't they like goose? You really want them, or are you being politically correct? Of course I want them to be here.
If he's someone you care about, then he should be here.
I am sick and tired of this chip on your shoulder, David! How am I supposed to accept you if you resent every single attempt I make? All right, fine.
We're gonna have dinner tomorrow night.
I'll ask him then.
If you both have plans for Christmas Eve who's going to midnight service with me? I'd like for you to go to church with me tomorrow night.
And I need to know if you're bringing anyone to Christmas dinner.
- I was thinking about maybe asking Toby.
- Toby? I don't know any Toby.
I met him at Aunt Sarah's, and we've been out a couple of times.
Doesn't Toby have a family of his own to spend Christmas with? His parents are pagans.
It's not his fault.
When are you going to invite him? I need to know how many yams to buy.
Look, if he's coming, I'll tell him to bring his own yam.
And when are we going to decorate the tree? You need to calm down.
Christmas is the day after tomorrow.
What about tonight? I can't.
I made plans.
Me, too.
I'm already doing the church thing.
I wish I knew what I did to deserve such morose, surly children.
I'll be so glad when these fucking holidays are over.
Baby, you're making it worse.
How come you can make a squashed face look like new but you can't even fix a stupid wall? It's the Sheetrock.
It's all crumbled.
- I know.
I'm still picking it out of the couch.
- Okay, Vanessa.
Why don't you tell me what else I've done wrong lately? I don't understand why you fired Ramon.
He was doing good work.
He was cheap.
I had my reasons.
You're jealous 'cause he knows how to fix things and makes you look bad.
I don't want him around here anymore.
Look at you, Rico, you're jealous.
All right, you wanna know why I fired him? Yeah? When I came home that afternoon, he was screwing someone.
A man.
Right here against this wall.
- Rico, that's disgusting.
Stop lying.
- I'm not lying.
He was screwing a frigging man! Right here, right in my fucking house, he was screwing a man! Oh, my God.
And that's why I fired him.
Okay? Oh, my God! Okay, if you were a gay mortician, what would you want for Christmas? A new life? - I hate Christmas.
- I hear you.
It's such pressure to live up to these images.
The whole family sitting around the dinner table as Mom, dressed in her special Christmas apron serves a meal that she spent three days making.
I mean, who has that? I do.
You're kidding.
Just add the smell of death and people crying downstairs you've got my life exactly.
- It doesn't sound half bad, actually.
- It's awful.
No, awful is when you celebrate the winter solstice by watching your father play the recorder while your mother dances around a bonfire chanting hymns to Gaea, the earth goddess.
Sure, it's funny to you.
So do you want to have Christmas dinner with my creepy family? Are you kidding? I would love it.
Do you really want me to? It was my mother's idea.
Ever since my last boyfriend tried to kill himself robbed a store, and shot at a guy before disappearing off the face of the earth, she wants to meet everyone I date.
- A biker funeral? - I know what you're thinking but they seem pretty cool.
Are you kidding? I love biker funerals.
These guys have big money.
They all have Harley dealerships or repair shops And methamphetamine labs in their basements.
Whatever.
Money is money.
Mrs.
Johnson, I'm David Fisher.
I've very sorry about your loss.
Thank you.
This is Pete, a close friend of the deceased.
This is my brother, David.
And this is Marilyn's brother, Bitsy.
As in Itsy.
So, is there a casket that appeals to you? It's gotta be steel.
The Camry here is 20 gauge stainless steel.
That sounds foreign.
No, I assure you, it's built right here in the United States of America.
All right.
As long as it's the best.
Jesse never liked to have a fuss made over him.
He always said that when his time comes just set him out by the curb on trash day.
But I want to do right by him.
He was a good man.
He was the fucking best! Now, we want the casket airbrushed the same as his gas tank.
It's midnight-purple with orange flames.
- I'm not sure - I'll give you the number of the guy that's restoring Jesse's hog.
He can do it all at once.
That is a hell of a bike.
And on the inside of the casket lid, we want a picture of Marilyn here.
You know, so she's looking down on him for all eternity.
That was Jesse's favorite picture of me.
It was Hustler's Beaver Hunt, April of '86.
It's a very nice picture of you.
Isn't it? I usually hate pictures of myself.
We're gonna need a couple of kegs of Bud and a case of Jack for the service.
I want this done right.
It's gonna be one big-ass Christmas Day funeral.
Sorry.
Christmas is the one day we don't hold services.
We'd pay whatever it takes.
A big-ass Christmas Day funeral it is.
So we're gonna be working on Christmas Day.
We've had worse Christmases.
Yeah, we have.
Do you remember the last time you saw him? No.
I can't believe it's Thanksgiving already.
What happened to this year? I know.
You can't even go anywhere that isn't all decked out with candy canes and Santa heads and shit.
It's all so phony.
I think in Hell it's always Christmas.
Oh, my God.
Hey, buddy-boy.
What are you doing out here? I had to take a break.
It was just too much food.
I know.
Your mother's been baking all week.
She outdid herself this year.
So, how's Seattle treating you? It's all right, I guess.
I got no complaints.
Me, neither.
Not many people can say that, you know, and mean it.
I guess we've got a lot to be thankful for.
Either that, or we've lowered our expectations so much we've given up on anything better than this.
Oh, boy.
Listen, I gotta pick up a body so I'm not gonna be able to drive you to the airport.
- That's okay.
I can take him.
- Thank you, kitten.
You coming down for Christmas? Yeah, I think so.
I gotta see how my schedule works out.
It's good to see you, son.
You, too, Dad.
Take care of yourself.
Anything I can help you with? Yes, I'm looking for clothes so expensive only an idiot would buy them.
Oh, there they are.
- Excuse me.
- Be my guest.
Excuse me.
Your wife would like you to see how she looks in her Jil Sanders sweater.
And I think you should leave, or I'll have to call security.
Do you validate? You smell good.
It's the flowers.
You are so beautiful.
I am not.
Did you not wear panties today like I asked? I most certainly did not not wear panties today.
- Why not? - It's unhygienic.
What kind of panties did you wear? Something sexy? No, they're not sexy.
They are Fruit of the Loom control top briefs and they come three to a pack for $15 at Target.
I want you to go into the bathroom and take them off - and then hide them someplace in my office.
- I will not.
And I wish you'd stop talking to me that way.
You don't like when I talk dirty? I didn't say that.
I don't like it here at work.
When I was shopping today, this total stranger felt me up.
- That's irritating.
- No, it was really hot.
He was giving me the eye so I went over and stood right next to him, like: "What are you gonna do about it, pal?" And he puts his hand on my ass very tentatively.
I know, it was so polite.
So I took his hand and I just put it inside me.
I mean, if you're gonna do it, do it.
Wow! Does this mean you have maybe some mixed feelings about marrying Nate? No.
Seriously, that's not it at all.
I think it's just natural biological drive at work.
The need to sample as diverse a selection of people as possible before settling down with one mate.
It's normal.
Anyway, I got another chapter out of it.
Do you know where the jaundice solution is? Mrs.
Doyle's looking very yellow.
It's back-ordered.
Use the ColorGuard.
10 ounces a gallon.
Take a little break.
Here, have some eggnog.
This isn't eggnog.
It's whiskey.
Whiskey? It's rum, my boy.
The drink of holidays.
You know, when you were little, you always wanted to leave milk and cookies out on the tray for Santa Claus.
Remember? Yeah.
And you used to laugh and say, "What Santa really needs is a shot.
" And I was right.
I always thought you meant a shot, like a shot of penicillin.
- I should - David, it's Christmas.
Come on.
Spend a little time among the living.
Sit down with your pop and tell me what you want for Christmas.
Mrs.
Doyle's viewing's at 4:00.
Mom said she might have a special guest for dinner.
All right.
If he's anything like her past special guests he's a 24-year-old Venezuelan pool boy who makes up for his lack in English by being fluent in the language of power-fucking.
I'll try not to get into a conversation with him.
Hey, Bren, hold on just a sec.
Do you remember what happened a year ago today? Oh, God, I'm sorry, your father No, that's not what I'm talking about.
It's our anniversary.
Oh, my God! Of course.
It's hard to believe it's only a year ago that we met.
Yeah, it feels like 20 years.
If you don't want to be with me, then don't, all right? Nate, I'm kidding.
Come on.
Of course I want to be with you.
I love you.
Then why do you treat me like shit all the time? Because I had a really fucked-up life and I use sarcasm to hide how ridiculously vulnerable I really am.
Come on.
Jesus, you know that.
Happy anniversary.
I know I already got you another ring, but I can't believe you It was my grandmother's.
It didn't cost me anything.
Merry Christmas.
It's okay.
I love you.
Well, it's about time.
- Hey, Mom, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you.
Nate, Merry Christmas.
I know there's some mistletoe around here some place, God damn it! What's wrong, honey? You look like shit.
- Enjoying a Scotch, Mom? - Not nearly enough.
Sweetheart, would you freshen up my drink? Come on, give your sister a big kiss.
I told you we were having a special guest.
Yes.
- I just didn't expect - To see your crazy brother.
Sure.
Don't worry they pumped enough electricity through me to light up the Eastern Seaboard.
Kidding.
I'm sorry, Bren.
Come on, lighten up.
It's Christmas.
- Come on, go get me another drink.
- Okay.
Mom, what the hell is he doing here? I busted him out for Christmas.
- You could've warned me.
- Warned you? You need to be warned about seeing your own brother? Ever since he came at me with a knife? Yeah.
Okay, so how long is he out for? For good.
He's living with me now.
So I guess you're happy to be home.
Happy is a concept I try not to buy into.
It just gets me into trouble.
Listen, Nate I'm really sorry about everything that happened.
I know I have to take responsibility for what I did but I was sick.
And now you're not? I'm still sick.
I'll always be sick.
Just the cards I was dealt.
I can manage it through medication, for the most part but it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.
It's not up to me.
Merry Christmas! We can't stay long because my mother's watching the kids.
Ramon, you shaved.
You look so young.
- We brought some presents for the boys.
- Thank you.
You're so sweet.
Just little things.
Where are they? Augusto's asleep.
Julio's in the den watching The Grinch for about the thousandth time.
I'll just put these under the tree.
Oh, please! You haven't gotten that wall fixed yet? Ramon would have had it finished by now.
What possessed you to make fig pudding? It sounded Christmassy.
Well, it looks like throw up.
None of it was very good.
Be nice.
Make better stuff.
How about if we sing some Christmas carols? Come on, I got a CD.
We can all sing along to it.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Come on, we'll scare the neighbors.
Okay, you two sing songs.
I'm gonna go get a Ding Dong and watch The Simpsons.
- Motherfuck! - Keith, relax.
I just wanted her to have a good Christmas, you know? After everything that she's been through.
You've been through a lot yourself lately.
You can afford to cut yourself some slack.
It doesn't mean you're a doormat.
- Are you sleeping any better? - Not really.
I was reading an article on post-traumatic stress I'm not suffering from anything, David.
What happened, happened.
It's a part of my job.
Let's just move on.
Why don't you and Taylor come to my house for Christmas dinner tomorrow? - Why? - Because I'd like for you to be there.
Then why'd you wait until the night before to ask me? Because my mom didn't bring it up until yesterday.
Your mother.
Jesus, Keith, all I did was invite you over for Christmas dinner.
I don't think Taylor's quite ready for something like this yet.
Are you sure Taylor's the one who's not ready? Just help me pick out a few poinsettias, and we can be on our way to church.
Dear God! What happened? Oh, my goodness! - Hello, Ruthie.
- Were you robbed? - Did they hurt you? - I am hurt, yes.
Where are you hurt? There was fight.
They break my legs.
We have to get you to the hospital.
Claire, back the car up to the door.
Mom? You should take that down.
No.
I love it.
- You look so mysterious.
- It's kind of ghoulish.
I don't like to think of myself in that way anymore.
Then you'll just have to take a new picture for me of how you feel now.
I know! You should take Brenda and Nate's wedding photos.
We're engaged.
Congratulations.
That is so great.
Thank you.
I love it when people who really should get married do.
It doesn't happen that often, you know.
Now, you just hush.
It's true.
I can't believe she got Billy out of the hospital so she would not have to spend Christmas alone.
Fucking evil bitch.
He's not ready.
Really? I thought he actually seemed pretty okay.
He's not okay.
He's sick, and nobody wants to deal with it.
Which is the way it's always fucking been! I'm not gonna do it anymore.
I've been a fucking nursemaid more than enough for one lifetime.
Merry Christmas.
You're bashful.
Don't worry.
I don't see nothing.
Good morning, dear.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, Ruthie.
You haven't taken your painkillers.
- I hate pills.
They make me crazy.
- Shut up and take them.
Shouldn't he be in the hospital? We were there half the night waiting for a doctor after you left.
- This is so hot! - Merry Christmas, everybody.
He's gonna be here eight weeks? You've gotta be kidding me.
That's how long he has to stay off his legs.
Mom, surely there's a better arrangement.
He has two broken legs.
What was I supposed to do with him? He doesn't even have insurance.
- Then who's paying for all - I am.
David, later this afternoon, I want you to lift Nikolai into his wheelchair.
There was that time we was coming down the big hill at Lone Pine.
I hit a patch of ice and went down.
Jesse comes barreling around that hairpin.
He seen me there in the middle of the road.
And instead of running me over he laid his bike down and slid it into a bunch of trees.
He busted out his teeth.
'Cause that's just the kind of man that he was.
A-fucking-men.
He was a fine friend and a good husband.
"From Jay Leno.
" Sure, he always sends flowers.
Never comes.
This world's a lot worse off without him.
The In-N-Out truck's out back.
We're gonna put on Jesse's favorite song and folks can help themselves to some grub.
My brother lives up there, which I've always been jealous of.
Once, when I was in junior high my dad was embalming someone in the basement.
And the plumbing got backed up and blood started squirting out of this hose.
- It was like a scene from The Shining.
- Nasty.
It was the first time I really thought about what they did down there.
- Hello.
- Mom, this is Toby.
- Very nice to meet you, Mrs.
Fisher.
- You, too, Toby.
- Thank you for joining us today.
- Thank you for having me.
Claire, surely that's not what you're planning to wear for Christmas dinner? No, I've got my Laura Bush pantsuit on underneath.
I didn't want to get it dirty.
Please, come in.
So, what did you get me for Christmas? - Who the fuck lives in Reseda? - So, what did you get me for Christmas? Why are you even asking me? You've barely ever spoken to me.
Who else is gonna be there? I always wanted a silk smoking jacket.
- Dad, I'm on the phone.
- Something really garish with big embroidered peacocks.
Look, I've gotta go.
Just e-mail me directions.
Maybe I'll show up and maybe I won't.
God, can't a person have a phone conversation around here? Somebody special, huh? What's his name? - Gabriel.
Trust me, he's not that special.
- Don't waste your time with him, kitten.
- Because you deserve somebody special.
- Right.
You wanna go with me later to the airport and pick up your big brother? I can't.
I've got last-minute shopping to do Could you try to be home for dinner? Because we hardly ever have the whole family together, and it's Merry Christmas.
- What's going on in here? - Biker funeral.
- Can't we stay down here? - Very funny.
Hey, Pete.
We're about to head upstairs and have our Christmas dinner.
So? - You've been here all day - Probably gonna be here all night.
You go on and eat.
We don't need you.
It'll be fun.
Nikolai's out of his mind on Percodan.
Well, I think that's everything.
- Dinner looks amazing, Mrs.
Fisher.
- Thank you, Toby.
Probably one of the bikers looking for the bathroom.
Look who's here.
- Hello.
- Hey, Keith.
- You made it! - Merry Christmas, everyone.
I hope it's okay that we came by.
Of course it's okay.
We're so happy you could join us.
Does everyone know Taylor? Your mom hasn't looked at me since she saw the ring.
Have some more wine.
Hey, Keith.
Hey, Taylor.
- That's a skinny turkey.
- It's a goose.
This is lovely.
We're all here together.
Keith, would you say grace for us? Yeah, sure.
Lord, for food in a world where many walk in hunger for faith in a world where many walk in fear and for friends in a world where many walk alone we give you thanks, O Lord, on this Christmas Day.
Amen.
- That was lovely, Keith.
- Thank you.
Here you go, Nikolai.
Your mom will always hate me.
That's because you're a woman trying to steal her baby.
Whatever.
Toby seems nice.
Yes, Toby's very nice.
Not your type, huh? A deranged psychopath? No, I guess he isn't.
Billy told me once that he got so used to living with crazy people that when he was sharing a room with a guy who thought he was Pinocchio the only thing that seemed weird about it was that the guy pronounced it "Pino-chio.
" So you've been talking to Billy? Yeah, mostly through e-mail.
- He's really funny.
- Isn't he? I've got a huge headache.
Can we go home now? Bren, I'm working.
I'm leaving.
Come home when you can, okay? I promise.
Where do you keep your toilet plunger? Morning, Mr.
F.
Rico, what are you doing here? It's Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I have to do Mrs.
Doyle.
- Her viewing is this afternoon.
- Let David take care of it.
- No, she's pretty simple.
- That's why I want David to do her.
I like to feed him the slow pitches, if you know what I mean.
Sure.
I'm serious, kiddo.
Get the hell out of here.
Go home.
Spend the day with the little one.
They grow up so fast, you gotta enjoy it while it lasts.
Go on.
Thanks, Mr.
F.
- You have a merry Christmas.
- I intend to.
- She took my kids back to her mothers'.
- What? You couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut.
Stop it! - Merry fucking Christmas, Rico.
- Are you okay? - Baby? - You fucking told her? I had to.
I couldn't even look her in the eye.
She was so happy yesterday.
She told me she got him a Rolex watch.
- She has a right to know.
- I told you not to fucking tell her! I'm sorry.
I had to! Fucking homo! Fucking fuck! They must not like that dead man too much.
Why do you say that? Because they're all so happy he's dead.
I think it's about time we get you home.
No, but it's Christmas, and I want to watch the funeral.
Too bad.
I'm really glad you came.
Why don't you come back with us? I could make some hot chocolate.
I got a present or two that I didn't want you to open in mixed company.
Let me talk to Nate.
I'll see if we can wrap this up.
- I think we should start moving them out.
- No, it's Christmas.
- Keith asked if I wanted to go with him.
- Go.
- I've got everything under control.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Merry Christmas, Nate.
- You, too.
- What do you say we get out of here? - You're not having fun? No.
This is like every party my parents have, only with better music.
Where do you want to go? We could drive around Hancock Park and look at the Christmas lights.
Yeah, right.
Not without a carton of eggs.
Why are you so hostile? - I'm not hostile.
- Yes, you are.
You act like you're incredibly put out by, I don't know, being alive.
Maybe you think that's cool, but really it's just irritating.
Okay, thanks for the input, which is totally irrelevant, but Apparently you need to feel all superior or something.
I mean, if you just take a look at your life you really don't have that much to be angry about.
- You don't know anything about my life.
- Yeah, and I'm not really sure I want to considering how you like to shit all over everything.
You know what? I fully support your little desire to have a life you'd see on Nickelodeon but I don't support you being a judgmental dick.
Maybe I should just go.
Maybe.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Whatever.
I'm glad I could spend one last Christmas with Jesse.
He was a crazy son of a bitch, but I sure loved him.
I can tell.
God, did he know how to live! It was full throttle all the way.
We met in Sturgis, back in '78.
I was sitting at The Broken Spoke with the biggest badass in town.
But Jesse he had some balls on him.
He walked right up to me, I'll never forget it, and he said: "If I don't ask you to take a ride with me I'll regret it the rest of my life.
" And that ride lasted 23 years.
He always said his two favorite things were riding his hog and riding me.
And he treated us both like queens.
You're probably wishing he treated himself as carefully.
Honey, it just wasn't in his blood.
If he were a careful man, he might have lived longer but would he have enjoyed his life as much? Would I have enjoyed his life as much? I had a bike in high school.
Had it for about a week before I wiped out.
Just fucked it up royally.
I still have a pin in my foot.
- I never got back on a bike after that.
- I could never give it up.
No way.
Closest thing to flying without leaving the ground.
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I've lived my life to the fullest.
But compared to you and Jesse I think I've got a lot to learn.
Honey, if I were a few years younger I'd be willing to teach you.
I just might let you.
Jesse always said you gotta live every day like you might die tomorrow.
- 'Cause you know what? - You just might.
Here's a glass of water.
I couldn't find a bell.
So if you need me during the night, just yell very loudly.
I will be fine.
Did you call the police yet to file a report? No, I will do that later.
I'll put this where you can reach it.
- I don't like for you to do this.
- Don't be silly.
You have two broken legs, and you need someone to take care of you.
And I'm happy to do it, so stop making a fuss.
What? Nothing.
What I told you before.
That you are beautiful.
Stop it.
- I had the swirl in the dip just right.
- Just one for the road.
- Airport traffic's gonna be murder.
- Then you should get going.
All right.
I want to stay up and play with what Santa Claus brought me.
Give it up, Taylor.
I could make you guys a cupcake with my Easy-Bake oven.
He's a cop.
He doesn't take bribes.
- Merry Christmas, baby.
- Mama! I drove all day long just so I could be here.
That's how much your mama loves you.
I love you, too, Mama.
I knew you'd come.
Billy didn't call or e-mail me all day.
So? So, you know, it's Christmas.
You didn't exactly give him a warm greeting last night.
That's what I'm saying.
If he'd written me, told me he'd be there I wouldn't have been so freaked out by the whole thing.
Do you ever call or e-mail him? Yeah, I e-mailed him in the hospital last summer but he never wrote back.
He e-mails Claire all the time.
What? Yeah, even while we were there, she was running off to check her mail.
Wait, when did this start? - Did you bring any of that reindeer cake? - I asked you a question.
I don't know.
She just told me tonight.
I don't want Billy having anything to do with Claire, you understand that? Why not? You said that he was okay.
He's okay enough to walk down the street without a leash but he's not okay enough to be near my sister who we both know has this fucked-up attraction to sociopaths.
- Don't tell me - I am telling you.
He is your brother! You keep him away.
And if you don't, I swear to God, I will! What are you gonna do, Nate? - Challenge him to a duel? - Brenda, would you knock it the fuck off? - Why don't you wear a cowboy cap - Would you fucking listen to me? Will you shut the fuck up? Fuck.
- It's okay.
- It's not my fault.
It's okay.
It's all right.
- Shit.
- Yeah? I think I'm gonna have Shit.
Nate, look at me! Get off! Get the fuck off! I'm fine! Nate, it's okay.
What was that? So what are you taking for it? Dilantin.
It's an anti-epileptic.
It's supposed to control the seizures.
- I thought it did, until tonight.
- We'll talk to your doctor.
Maybe we can switch you to something stronger.
Don't worry.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Why didn't you tell me about this? I didn't want to be a burden.
You'll never be a burden.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
Marilyn Johnson left that for you.
She had a belt buckle with a big skull on it.
I thought that was odd.