SMILF (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

1 [DANCE MUSIC.]
Yeah Booty, booty, booty, booty Booty rockin', showstoppin' Everybody back poppin' Knees jerkin', girls workin' Work it till your stomach hurtin' Let them know you worth it Dust it off and jerk it Jerk it, jerk it, what you know 'bout a bang-bang Don't you wanna know? Dance and flow Relax and take off your coat This ain't something you ever seen before Everybody watchin' But that don't mean we stoppin' Let them know you worth it Dust it off and jerk it Jerk it, jerk it, dust it off and jerk it Go, go Go, go, go - Are you gonna cum, babe? - [NELSON.]
Yeah.
- [RAFI EXHALES.]
- Yeah.
[SKIN SLAPPING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[MOANS.]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
- You didn't cum again.
- Yeah, I did.
No, you didn't.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PANTING.]
I did.
No, you didn't.
Uh, stop, stop.
St stop.
I haven't showered.
I don't care.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Tastes good to me.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Close your eyes.
Rafi, stop.
No, Rafi, stop, stop.
I keep thinking about my mom.
I just I can't do this.
You're thinking about your mom? [BOTH LAUGH.]
She's not coming until the afternoon, babe.
Relax.
[LAUGHS.]
Just stop thinking about your mom.
- I don't - [CHUCKLES.]
Throw your hands in the air Just throw your hands in the air Just throw your hands in the air - Stay.
Oh - [AIR HISSING.]
- [SINGING ALONG.]
- My name is Ciara For all you fly fellas No one can do it better I'll sing in acapella [TOGETHER.]
Boy, the music makes me lose control We gon' make you lose control [BRIDGE.]
Let it go 'fore you know This is a legit bachelor party.
You outdid yourself.
- It's coming together.
- How much you pay? What? No, I use used Ally's credit card.
- What? - Hang on.
Let me turn the music down.
Fire it up, bring the roof down and holla [MUSIC STOPS.]
I said I used Ally's credit card, but I am going to pay her back.
Taking the rich people's money.
- No.
- That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
I really gotta give it back to her.
This is becoming a problem.
Yeah, I see.
What else you get, then? Um, I got pussy stuff.
This is comedy.
Pussy straws.
I also got a stripper coming from Groupon.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - Mm-hmm.
You sure about the stripper, though? What? Rafi loves strippers.
- His mom was a stripper.
- Exactly.
Stripper, alcohol - I don't know.
- You know what? Actually, We should probably order her before it gets too late.
I need your help, 'cause we can customize her.
- Okay.
- Get a blonde.
"Get a blonde"? No.
A blonde's so boring.
- Yuck.
Gross.
- You're a hater.
No.
Nelson's a blonde.
We gotta get a girl he could never get.
What he can't get? There's a lot of girls he couldn't get.
Like a girl from Long Island who had One Direction play at her bat mitzvah.
Couldn't get her.
A Scottish lady who's into Highland dancing.
- Hmm? - A Native American who's never been off the res.
- I could keep going.
- That's mad specific.
Is that even an option? No, but you can pick a hair color.
"Blonde, black, red, bald, 'fro.
" - [CARLOS.]
Red.
- Red.
Okay.
Breasts.
- I like Bs.
- I like Cs.
- What about Ds? - Ds is cool.
- What about double Ds? - Double Ds! [TOGETHER.]
Fs! - F is the wave.
- F would be wild.
- Let's get the wild.
- Okay.
F.
Oh, no.
F is extra.
Oh.
Get the Ds.
Get the Ds.
On it! "Searching.
" - [PHONE CHIMES.]
- [TOGETHER.]
"Ember"! "An Ember to remember.
" She knows when to hold 'em.
She knows when to fold 'em, "She knows when to sit on your dick.
" - That's a great brand.
- Great brand.
Order her.
[PLEASANT MUSIC.]
[NELSON GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [SIGHS.]
Shit.
Oof.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
[BOTH SQUEAL.]
- [WINNIE.]
Hi! - Come in, come in, come in.
[ENID.]
Hello.
Hi, beauty.
[BOTH.]
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Winnie, you look so different.
Can you move back a bit, please? My personal space bubble's quite large.
But you're not anymore.
Doesn't she look amazing? [NELSON.]
Mm-hmm.
Hey, who wants some wine? I do.
What's the Wi-Fi? [NELSON.]
Oh, um, it's #blessed, smiley face, smiley face.
- What do you think? - I like it.
- Of the house? - [ENID.]
But as you get older, you realize that less is more, you know? Uh-huh.
- I almost died.
- Yes, she did.
But there's always a silver lining to every story.
My kidneys nearly completely shut down.
[ENID.]
Yeah, but look what you got out of it.
You dropped 30 pounds.
I had to wear diapers for a month, which actually, I quite liked.
I never had to get up to go to the bathroom.
Thank you.
So Dad's not Dad's not coming in? Maybe I should start a line of adult diapers.
But not for old people.
For, like, cool young adults.
Black for evening.
Dad is not coming because he doesn't wanna see you in your dress before the big day.
That's the groom, Mum.
Would you shut up, Winnie? [LAUGHS.]
Ew.
That's so gross.
[LAUGHS.]
Wait, will you rub my feet? So catch up.
Tell me about Bali.
Oh, my God.
I met this guru, Ravana Shiva.
Oh, he's amazing.
He's a spiritual healer.
- [NELSON.]
Yeah? - He opened me up completely.
I mean, I was really stuck before.
Like, he massaged my eyes for, like, 20 minutes, and if he just touched my hair, I would have an orgasm.
I would be laying on the table and just, like, shaking with this full-body vibration.
He would just he could he sucked my toes.
[AWKWARD WHISTLING MUSIC.]
It was amazing.
It was so freeing.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, God.
- It's hot.
- Yes, it is! - It's effin' hot.
- I know.
Maybe you shouldn't wear a sweater on your neck.
- Come on.
What are you doing? - I'm just saying.
- No, what are you doing? - This is a will packet.
- I got it at the post office.
- Oh, God.
It's always so effing depressing when I come in here.
What's depressing about a will packet? Every time I come in here, somebody's dead or somebody's taking their meds or somebody's asleep on the couch.
Well, jeez, I'm sorry that Joe died when it wasn't your timetable.
No, come on.
You don't have to do all this, Coll.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
And besides, it said right here that maybe I've got a good five or ten more years in me - and that's it.
That's it.
- Oh, Coll! Who said that? - A computer said - They said it right there - on the computer.
- That's a computer program! So that's it.
I'm staying here.
I am not moving, all right? And I'm going upstairs to take a shower.
I'm so hot.
You have psoriasis? [TUTU.]
Five to ten years left! Gross.
So you'd go to Hawaii to go get a kombucha? Why don't you just go to Puerto Rico and do, like, the ayahuasca shit? My cousin does it all the time Okay, guys! He-he's here.
Hide, hide, hide.
Quick, quick.
Before he comes in.
Come on, come on.
[HIP-HOP PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Yo, Carlos.
Yo, 'Los! [ALL.]
Surprise! Ay! Whoa! [ALL SHOUTING EXCITEDLY.]
[ITSY CHANTING.]
Teta! Teta! Titties in your face! Titties in your face! Teta! Teta! This is your bachelor party in my house, courtesy of Bridge.
- It's all her.
- Thank you! - You did this? - Yep.
- [ITSY.]
Coca Cola - Bachelor party! - A cup for my big brother.
- A cup? All right.
No, I have this for you.
It's a pink penis filled with coconut water.
- Oh, thank you.
- Okay.
Let's get started.
Nelson, why won't these things work? - Oh.
- [WINNIE.]
Mum, do you really need to charge every single one of your devices right now? Nelson's wearing the dress.
- Yeah, I do.
- [VIBRATOR WHIRS.]
- [NELSON.]
It's very tight.
- How is that possible? You're like a skeleton with a wig on.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
I'm very tired from the flight.
[GRUNTS.]
Mom was in first class, but I was in economy.
No, you were in economy plus.
Gratitude, Winnie.
Oh! You look so beautiful.
- [LAUGHS.]
Whee.
- Look at her.
[WINNIE.]
Yeah, you look like a painting.
Actually, you look just like me.
I was tiny.
I wish your father was here to see you.
- Don't you think? - Mm.
One big, happy family.
I think I know what he would say.
- [ENID.]
What? - "I am so honored to hand off my prettiest" Stop.
"sweetest, straightest" Don't do this.
"blondest daughter" [ENID.]
Oh, come on.
"The one who, if she died," it would really mess me up for a while, "and she does have a job, which is good.
" Stop it.
You are so funny, Winnie.
But you know that we love you both exactly the same.
Mm-hmm.
Fuck, it's hot in here.
Can you turn the air con up? Ugh, I can feel my fat flaps chafing.
My thighs are all wet and sweaty.
Here, let me fix this.
Ooh.
You are so gorgeous.
- I'm excited.
- You are? Yeah, I'm excited to to wear this.
- Yeah? - And get married.
I know! My baby, you're gonna get married.
- Mm-hmm.
- My little one.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You're so beautiful.
- You really are so pretty.
- [TENSE MUSIC.]
You're gonna be a bride, yeah? [LAUGHS STIFFLY.]
Don't you feel sexy? So feminine and sensual.
Get off.
It's hot.
- [ENID.]
Yeah? - Told you it was hot in here.
It is kind of hot in here.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I feel like I can't breathe.
Can you help me get out? - I need to take it off.
- [ENID.]
What? - I need to take it off.
- Really? Um, I don't wanna wear this anymore.
Okay.
We're gonna - Can you take it off? - Yes, I'm doing it.
- Please hurry.
- It's a really old zipper.
Winnie! Can you come and help me? It's stuck in the lining.
See? - Let me try.
- [NELSON.]
Can you hurry? Oh, shit.
Fuck, it's really stuck.
Can we just pull it off really hard? No, 'cause you'll rip it.
Hold on.
Don't do that breathing thing like that.
- [CHOKING.]
I can't - Hang on.
I once stretched out a pair of jeans by soaking them in some hot water.
- Really? - Yeah.
[PANTING.]
Just [MUSIC HEIGHTENS.]
[CARLOS.]
One, two, three.
- Go! - [ALL CHEERING.]
Hey, ladies You wanna get it started? Hey, ladies Oh, you the party, hey If you the party, I'ma get at you Ay, if you the party, I'ma get at you You a lying motherfucker, bro! So where you at? So where you at? Ay, get it, get it, get it Get it, yeah Get, get, get, get it, yeah, yeah Get, get, get, get it, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah - [GROANS.]
- [NARRATOR.]
Her mood swings ranging from elation to despair, she describes dying as an art.
- Mm.
- In her famous poem Lady Lazarus, written shortly after she and Ted separated - [JACKIE.]
Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing now? - Oh, thank you.
[NARRATOR.]
Sylvia speaks about her depression That thing just said I'm gonna live to 120.
- I bet you will.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Oh, fuck, it's hot.
[NARRATOR.]
physical aggression, and many say this abusive relationship ultimately led Oh, shit.
[NARRATOR.]
to Sylvia's suicide.
Oh, shit, no.
Not that again.
- What again? - Depressing stuff.
It's real life, Jackie.
Open your eyes.
I know it's real life.
It's also real boring.
It's real depressing.
- [LAUGHS DRYLY.]
- Oh, come on.
It's mother's milk to me, honey.
Oh, please.
She was a local, you know? Boston.
[NARRATOR.]
"I rise with my red hair", and I eat men like air.
" [LAUGHS.]
What the fuck is she talking about? Oh, she's talking about she's underappreciated, and you know what? She's still got it in her to rip their heads off, you know? Oh, yeah, you got that from the poem.
- I did.
- Oh, God, it's hot.
It is hot.
Oh, Jackie.
- We're going to the beach.
- We're what? - Let's go to the beach.
- No, Jackie.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
I don't wanna go - to the beach now, Jackie.
- I'm getting your swimsuit.
The sand sticks everywhere.
You get it in your hoo-ha.
Forget it.
Where's your swimsuit? Coll? It's in my luggage right there.
Your luggage? Where you going? It's from the river cruise.
I haven't been able to unpack it.
We can unpack it together.
[NARRATOR.]
drawn to Hughes, who she described You want me to do it? Sure.
- Yeah.
- You know what I'll do? I'll go out on the back porch and I'll fill up Larry's kiddy pool.
You come out when you're done.
[ITSY SINGING RHYTHMICALLY IN SPANISH.]
- [CARLOS.]
Ay! - [CONTINUES SINGING.]
- [CARLOS.]
Oh! - [CONTINUES SINGING.]
- Let's go! - [CONTINUES SINGING.]
Ay! Ay! [SHOUTS RHYTHMIC GIBBERISH.]
No! Ah! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [ITSY EXHALES.]
You should be wearing this shit, though.
"Hola, wife.
Adiós, life.
" Hola, wife.
[BRIDGE.]
Okay, everyone.
Listen up.
It's time to give Rafi advice.
You gotta give Rafi some advice as he embarks - on this journey.
- No.
Boo.
Nah.
- You're first.
- Uh now that you're getting married, next time, don't send a picture of Nelson's tits, because I can't unsee these no more.
[LAUGHS.]
[ITSY.]
What? That's not - I don't like that shit.
- Stop.
- [ITSY.]
That's so fucked up.
- We weren't serious yet.
- I mean, you're kind of right.
- Yo, delete that shit.
I mean, I masturbated to those tits so many times.
- You what? - What? [STAMMERS.]
I'm just kidding.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SINGS RHYTHMIC GIBBERISH.]
Ay! - They ain't even that nice.
- Stop.
[BRIDGE.]
No, they're nice.
She's so beautiful.
Yo, Carlos, you see what you did? - Change the subject.
- Yeah, she's beautiful.
She's hot.
She's hot, but, like I like Nelson, but just nah, y'all are laughing at shit, but, like, if that white South African bitch do some shit to you, I'll, like [SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Like, I'll fucking kill that bitch like it's no - She's South African? - Australian.
Whatever, but, like, I support you, and you, you you're worth love.
That's all I gotta say.
You're worth love.
- That means so much to me.
- I love you, Rafi.
- I love you, sis.
All right? - [BRIDGE.]
Okay, I'll go next.
- My turn.
- [CARLOS.]
Oh, no.
I feel like I'm giving away the bride.
[LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Um no, for real, though.
I was thinking about it earlier, and I was thinking about the time when I was eight months pregnant, you were passed out on the one piece of furniture we had and you told me you had the flu.
But really, you were high on syrup.
Uh, and I was thinking about the time you needed to go get that OxyContin or whatever from that guy in Maryland Baltimore, and you were begging me to come with you, but my grandma was in the hospital.
You were like, "Baby, I need you.
I just need you.
" I can't be away from you," and so I went with you instead of visiting my grandmother.
Remember? [SNIFFLES.]
And then she died.
[SNIFFLES.]
And then I was thinking about the time that [EXHALES.]
I mean, the many times, but this one stood out in particular, where I locked myself in our room with all that takeout and hundreds of dollars' worth of groceries.
And you dragged me out and you made me go to the Museum of Fine Arts even though you hate art 'cause you knew that was what I needed.
And so we've seen each other at our worst, at our shittiest, and yet, here we are you know, doing the boob race and pin the hair on the pussy and all of us here together.
Just, my point is that we've been through some shit and never gave up on each other.
And you're such a good dad.
[CARLOS.]
You need some tissue? - [LAUGHS.]
- [BRIDGE.]
Cheers.
- Salud! - Yeah, salud, salud, salud.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
- I'm here for you forever.
- Cheers.
Me too.
But I wanna tell y'all about the time that he shit his pants in fucking Target.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- In Target! - You wish.
- It's 'cause of all the supplements you take.
It's not good for you.
Yo, Raf, you had white tighty-whities on [LAUGHTER.]
- That shit is real.
- I did not hear that story.
- [CARLOS.]
The fuck, Raf? - [BRIDGE.]
You need some more? Um, I need to slow down.
I need to slow down.
- [NOSTALGIC MUSIC.]
- [CARLOS.]
Yeah, slow it down, - slow it down.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Do you remember When we met That's the day I knew you were my pet I Wanna tell you How much I love you Ooh - Ooh - [WATER GURGLES.]
[HOSE RUSHING.]
- [WATER STOPS.]
- [JACKIE.]
Coll? Yeah? I found this in your suitcase.
Oh, yeah? What's that? It's from Joe.
Oh, Jack.
I don't know if I can do it.
I can't, Jack.
You read it.
[MURMURING QUIETLY.]
Jackie! Read it out loud.
Well, I wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything in it that would upset you, or "Dear Colleen" "Imagine a happy group of morons carrying brick" "day in and day out.
One day, one of the morons realizes he can't carry his bricks anymore, so another moron generously takes on his load.
We are the morons.
I read that in a book once, Coll.
I'm sorry you had to take care of me all these years.
The truth is, I've been planning to do this since the second time I got out of the hospital.
But I selfishly wanted to spend more time with you.
But you're free now.
Make your next chapter all for you.
Don't wait.
"Me and God are watching.
" [STIRRING MUSIC.]
Give me expert sexy women, manicure, pedicure Bridge.
The stripper, where is she? [CHEWING.]
She's coming soon.
- I ordered her.
- You said that an hour ago.
She should be here.
Just chill.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ITSY.]
That's that's a virus.
That's what they call a virus.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Kiss me all night If you play your cards right, play your cards Hey, did you get oh! [BRIDGE.]
Fuck that fucking stripper.
Maybe we need a warmup act, huh? - Yeah! - [BRIDGE.]
Turn on the music.
- Come on.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ITSY.]
Yeah! You the one! Now get your fucking money out.
[MAN.]
Party's starting now! Take it off, take it off! Yeah! [BRIDGE.]
And I'm not talking about ones! All right, you're you're almost there.
You're almost there.
Whoo! There it goes.
- [ITSY.]
Get it, Bridgette! - A girls gotta live, right? Nah.
You gonna get all my money, Bridge.
[CARLOS.]
Oh! Abuelita panties is on! - [ITSY.]
Granny panties! - I got 20 for that.
Yeah! Where's your money, huh? Huh? Where's your money? Oh, but you're broke as fuck, huh? - Yeah, you want some of this? - [CARLOS LAUGHS.]
I'm putting on a show for you.
- [CARLOS.]
Oh, yeah! - You said you'd give me everything I need, right? [MUSIC SLOWS.]
[DISTORTED MUSIC.]
Oh, yeah, I know That you're gonna be there When it's hard To feel that way See you still there But I've told a lie Said I could change you [RAFI.]
Bridgette.
Bridgette.
Stop.
- [MUSIC DIES.]
- Oh! Are you okay? Get the fuck away from me.
A girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, right? - [ITSY.]
Right.
- Who wants a dance? [RAFI.]
Stop it, Bridge.
What? I'm just trying to make a living.
I'm just trying to put my kid through preschool.
- Stop.
- What? - Bridgette, stop.
- You stop.
- Stop it, Bridgette.
- Stop what? - Bridgette.
- Stop what? Oh, why? You wanna buy a ring instead of sending Larry to preschool? You want our kid not to go to the good preschool - Bridgette, you're drunk! - So you can buy a fucking diamond ring? What the fuck was that? I just saw! - Stop it.
You're drunk.
- I just fucking saw.
- [CARLOS.]
Turn that music off.
- Four thousand dollars? You're so fucked up.
You're fucked up.
Fuck you.
- Hi! - Hi.
- This the bachelor party? - They're inside.
- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.
Hey! - [ALL.]
Hey! - [EMBER.]
Hey, baby.
Feeling lucky today? Pick a card, any card.
Why don't you pick a card? Don't be shy.
Let me see what's under that pillow.
- Oh, yeah! - [EMBER.]
It's my lucky day.
Oh, stop that shit.
You make me blush and shit.
I'll see you later.
Hey! No, thank you.
I'm out.
Bridgette? Oh, my God.
Jill, hi! - [LAUGHS.]
Bridgette? - Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
- Oh, my God.
What the fuck? - You have no idea.
I've had such a fucked up day.
Oh, you guys, this is my friend Jill.
We were in the same incest survivors group in rehab.
- Don't.
- It was just a workshop.
I'm on the clock, so time to dance for you guys, right? - Yeah! - Are you ready for some dancing? - [CARLOS.]
Ember! - Empty those pockets! Who wants to see a sexy dance? - [CARLOS.]
All right, Ember.
- Ember! [ENID.]
You don't have to do it, you know.
You don't have to get married.
I mean, you're amazing.
You have this amazing career and you love what you're doing.
And look at Winnie.
She's saving all those street dogs and being gay.
You have to make yourselves happy.
Honestly.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Is that my phone? Did I do you hear my phone? - Yeah.
- [RINGING CONTINUES.]
Okay, I'm gonna go face with Dad.
Facetime.
Face-fucking-time.
Okay.
Peace out.
[LAUGHS.]
So I've been thinking we should kill Mom.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Or you could just get yourself the fuck out of that dress.
[GIGGLES.]
[MELLOW ACOUSTIC MUSIC.]
Don't be a fake.
[FABRIC RIPPING.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN.]
You're still here? Yeah, I have to stay out of the house until Nelson's mom leaves so I don't see her in her wedding dress.
- Well, that's stupid.
- So stupid.
So you just waited here? I'm so stupid.
No, you're not.
It's just a lot of money to spend on nothing.
[RAFI SIGHS.]
Did you even look at the website? The preschool has telescopes in every classroom.
It's, like, state-of-the-art.
Yeah, they got this whole science lab and this whole gymnasium and, like, fields for days.
They even do camping trips twice a year.
They even have an elephant.
- They have a elephant? - Well, no, but it's the type of school that would.
That would have an elephant.
It's really cool.
I want all that for Larry.
I don't want him to be a fuckup like me.
I want you to go to our wedding.
You should be there.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[BREEZY VOCALIZING.]
[QUIETLY.]
Bye, Rafi.
[WOMAN.]
Supahsmaht.