Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s02e08 Episode Script
Jerk
Oh. Get a load of that one.
She's sublime.
Those twitchy eyes Those powerful forelimbs.
Every 7 years, it's the same thing mantis mating season.
Wait! That one's even cuter.
- Lovely pincers.
- Ch-ch-ch!
Look, zorak, the show's about to start.
I've got to switch the feed.
No! Don't!
I think I just spotted the girl of my dreams.
Which girl?
That girl!
Greetings, citizens.
Uh, whoops
Ah, better.
Oh, it's going to be one ofthoseshows.
I think instead I'll watch the lava network.
Ooh.
Greetings.
I'm space ghost.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guests include Uh, show's over.
Good night!
Good night, everybody!
Make sweet love to me.
- What? Closing credit music?
- Yikes!
- Wow. Hold it.
- What is going on?
- Stop those credits!
- Moltar!
- Sorry, s.G.
- I thought the show was over.
It is.
- Nonsense!
- I had just started.
No, you finished.
- I did?
- Yes!
UhUm Who was on the show?
It's right here.
"Tonight, the interplanetary talk show host "interviewed tv star
Catherine bach and singer-songwriter Matthew sweet."
- Hmm. I can't remember.
- Did I do the show or not?
What did Catherine bach have to say?
Oh, she told a very amusing anecdote about a bowling trophy.
Is that right, moltar?
Uh, I think so.
And how about Matthew sweet?
What did he have to say?
Nothing.
Nothing? I find that hard to believe.
- Wait. You're right.
- He did say something.
Hmm
My superpower senses are tingling.
What are they trying to tell me?
Is it time to switch mouthwash?
Stock up on string cheese?
Start wearing a derby!
- I've got it.
- Zorak's lying!
- No more fibs!
- What's going on?
Aah!
Mating season on my planet started 20 minutes ago.
I must go.
To get butter and cheese?
I feelThe urge!
Typical musician.
Look, we have a show to do, and you can't leave till it's over.
Put a lid on it, zorak or whatever you do.
You'll just have to wait 15 minutes
before you go spread your evil seed.
I want to talk to Catherine bach and
ask her about that bowling trophy.
Ok, I won't try and look at myself.
Greetings, citizen Catherine, and welcome to the show.
Thank you, space ghost.
Tell me, Catherine, do you have a bowling trophy?
Yes, I do.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Thatwas a good anecdote.
Ha ha ha!
I'm getting splotchy.
As we all know, you originated the role of Daisy on
the Dukes of hazza, and I think we all
want to know, what two words
would you use to describe boss hogg?
Monkey gland, uh Sauce?
Uh, two words, please.
So delicate and perfect.
- You could tell.
- And how did they treat you on that show?
Would they give you a whole meal or just one course?
The Dukes of Hazzard gave me the entree.
- But no dessert?
- HmmSounds kind of cheap.
Now, your new tv series takes you to a new continent.
Tell me, how is Africa different from the states?
There's no siegfried and Roy in, um, in South Africa.
- What?
- I didn't know that.
Moltar, get my investment adviser on the phone.
Divest all interest in South Africa immediately!
Uh, those views were mine and do
not necessarily reflect the station
or its owners.
Quick, Catherine, cover for me!
Tell a story about the black rhino.
First of all, the black rhino does not breed in captivity.
Nor do I!
They are now taking the black rhino and trying to impregnate
the white rhino, the female white rhino
Go on.
Would you please keep your mind on the music?
- I can't.
- It's mating season.
So what's the big deal?
Unless Zorak, is it your first time?
- Don't be ridiculous!
- I've mated, uh, plenty of times!
- Wait a minute.
- That can't be true!
And why not?
Because your head's still attached to your body.
Whew!
You see, in the mantis marital act, the female typically
eats the head and brain of the male.
You're kidding.
You didn't know that?
That's not what my mother told me.
Ha ha ha!
It's not funny!
Ha ha ha!
Catherine, I'll have to ask you to please stop laughing.
I'm serious!
I warned you.
Ok, zorak, she's gone.
And you know what I was thinking?
If you want to go mate, I shouldn't stop you.
It's every space creature's inalienable
right to know love and be loved
and have love and share love and know love and
did I say that one already?
I'm not so sure I want to be loved anymore.
What, are you afraid of commitment?
Hey, look, there's Matthew sweet!
The teen tycoon of rock frombeyond the valley of the dolls.
Uh, tell me, Matt, uh, how do your pants, uh, stay up?
I just concentrate very hard.
It's built into my brain.
Like, I don't even need a belt for that.
- Very good.
- Here's a riddle.
What would you eat with a biodip?
A biochip.
You're sharp.
I bet you're pretty powerful, too.
You know, I can use my power bands to bring the Atlantic ocean
to a boiling point in 5 seconds.
Can you point a finger and heat something up?
If you mean like baking a potato
or boiling an egg, I might be ok.
- I thought so.
- Keep working at it.
You have the makings of superhero.
Perhaps I could give you some tips.
Bl-bl-bl-bl!
I can't hold it!
I must go to my home planet!
I wantlove!
But the consequences bl-bl-bl-bl!
Yeah, go on.
Matthew, what do you think?
Should zorak go home to mate?
Uh, have a good time, all the time.
Even if it means certain death?
Why not?
That settles it!
I'm off, and I'm taking the phantom cruiser.
All right, but in the event you lose your head, call a cab.
Oh, and, uh, there's a gino vanelli
tape in the glove compartment.
Yee-hoo!
Heh, heh, dear me.
A thousand pardons, friends.
Zorak's music normally covers that.
It's all because you sneak bites from a pork chop sandwich
during station breaks.
Mmm. I don't know what you're talking about.
It's a disgusting habit!
Come on, lots of people are doing it.
Matthew sweet, you're a man of the world.
Have you ever had a big, sloppy pork chop sandwich?
Yeah, it wasn't too good.
We had to cancel some shows.
Needless to say, I haven't done it since then.
Ah, you're no help.
What was I talking about?
That's right, no music.
Well, we can't have that, so I will provide it.
- Oh, really?
- You bet!
Steve Allen played the piano, Arthur Godfrey played the ukulele,
and I, space ghost, play the blues harp.
Can't really do it unless someone's telling a sad story.
Tell a sad story.
Uh, well, I What happens is,
I'll drink perfect. Keep going!
I get really thirsty onstage,
and I don't feel it or anything because I just
have a couple of beers.
Yeah, yeah.
But when they're empty,
I keep going back and picking up an empty
bottle over and over again.
It makes me really frustrated.
Sadder. Make it sadder.
So I got in the habit of knocking
them off the back of the amplifier
because they would never break.
Testify!
Uh Go on with your bad self!
Like, a beer bottle's pretty sturdy.
A beer bottle's pretty sturdy
But anyhow, so I would knock them off the back, and one night,
I knocked one off, and I guess it
must have exploded or something,
because I was playing the last song,
and my hands felt all sticky,
and I looked down, and there was blood everywhere.
We should take this show on the road, play the house of blues!
Here's where he mentions Dan aykroyd.
- Hey, I know Dan aykroyd.
- I know Dan aykroyd.
Matthew, can I ask you a favor?
All right.
Would you mind holding your breath while I ask moltar
a non-show-related question?
Moltar, what's going on with zorak?
My readings show he's landed on
his home planet and is zeroing in
on his target.
If I said you had a beautiful exoskeleton,
would you hold it against me?
Ha ha ha!
Struck out!
You know, moltar, I never realized how scrawny zorak was
compared to the others.
Yeah, his steady diet of evil has taken its toll.
Ultimately the internal manifests itself in the external.
Um, yeah.
I wish I had the slightest idea what moltar was talking about.
- Uh, space ghost?
- What?
You should check on Matthew.
I think we're about to lose him.
Silly me! Ha ha.
Matthew, you can stop now.
You know, Matthew, just because
somebody tells you to do something
doesn't mean you should always do it.
Really?
Do you think, in the future, you should try to be more careful?
Yeah, a little more careful.
Space ghost, you better check this out.
There's activity on zorak's home planet.
Looks like zorak's made a love connection!
Do you like walks in the rain?
Oh, yes!
And Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonnets from the Portuguese?
How did you know?
I know things about you.
You're the most exciting mantis I've ever met.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
And so you shall!
Zorak going to his home planet was a great idea.
Love has transformed him.
When he comes back, he'll be a new bug.
I don't think he'll be coming back.
Why not?
I explained it all earlier in the show.
Don't you remember?
Of course I remember.
I have to go to the little ghost's room.
- -
- Got to use my memory.
The female typically eats the head and brain of the male.
The maleThe head Dear lord! That's right!
Sorry, Matthew, our time is up.
There's a crisis, and you've got to
understand, I'm a superhero first
and a talk show host second.
We can be invisible together.
Nice try, but I was saving galaxies while you were still
reading along with the lyrics of the
three dog night harmonyalbum.
I think I can handle this one alone.
Good-bye.
Moltar, it's time for action.
We must get zorak out of there!
- Well, what can we do?
- Nature must run its course.
Plus, he took the phantom cruiser.
But this means certain death for zorak.
I know.
Uh, can I have his dressing room?
How can you think of dressing rooms at a time like this,
a time of great sadness?
Oh, zorak, we hardly knew ye.
Yes, you were pure evil, but I learned to see the good in that.
I'll miss you, my little friend who used to try and kill me,
but rest assured, you will not be forgotten.
I'll always remember that vile,
near-poisonous gas you would emit
whenever you were happy, and I'll never forget lunching
with you in the commissary, watching
you eat 10 raw chickens and drink toner
from the copy machine.
You loved that toner.
- I know!
- We'll have a parade!
We'll declare a national holiday on the
ghost planet, with wonderful floats
and big balloons, and we'll all drink fizzy lemonade and eat
neapolitan ice cream!
We'll celebrate the moments of your life, zorak!
You shall not have died in vain!
A ghost!
Idiot.
Zorak, is that really you?
Yes!
He's back!
Darn! I wanted that neapolitan ice cream.
What happened on your home planet?
I don't want to talk about it.
But you couldn't have mated.
We can see your head's still attached to your body.
I said I don't want to talk about it!
We're all coworkers here.
There's nothing you couldn't open up and tell us.
Couldn't close the deal, could you?
Thatwasn't the problem.
Then what was?
I mean, we saw you leave with that lady mantis.
That lady mantis Wasn't really a lady.
Not really a lady? Huh?
Then she must have been wait!
You were digging on a dude?
It's not what you think.
Carl is part of a male mantis
resistance movement that intercedes
at the moment when the urge is the worst.
He lured me back to his nest,
where we ate barbecue and talked sports
until the urge had passed.
He saved my life, and for that, I will always be grateful.
What a remarkable story.
I wonder who owns the movie rights.
Ted Turner.
Oh, well, never mind.
We're just glad to have you back.
- And I'm glad to be back.
- You know why?
Because now I can continue to plot
my revenge against you, space ghost,
and make every moment of your life a living heck!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
It's not funny!
She's sublime.
Those twitchy eyes Those powerful forelimbs.
Every 7 years, it's the same thing mantis mating season.
Wait! That one's even cuter.
- Lovely pincers.
- Ch-ch-ch!
Look, zorak, the show's about to start.
I've got to switch the feed.
No! Don't!
I think I just spotted the girl of my dreams.
Which girl?
That girl!
Greetings, citizens.
Uh, whoops
Ah, better.
Oh, it's going to be one ofthoseshows.
I think instead I'll watch the lava network.
Ooh.
Greetings.
I'm space ghost.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guests include Uh, show's over.
Good night!
Good night, everybody!
Make sweet love to me.
- What? Closing credit music?
- Yikes!
- Wow. Hold it.
- What is going on?
- Stop those credits!
- Moltar!
- Sorry, s.G.
- I thought the show was over.
It is.
- Nonsense!
- I had just started.
No, you finished.
- I did?
- Yes!
UhUm Who was on the show?
It's right here.
"Tonight, the interplanetary talk show host "interviewed tv star
Catherine bach and singer-songwriter Matthew sweet."
- Hmm. I can't remember.
- Did I do the show or not?
What did Catherine bach have to say?
Oh, she told a very amusing anecdote about a bowling trophy.
Is that right, moltar?
Uh, I think so.
And how about Matthew sweet?
What did he have to say?
Nothing.
Nothing? I find that hard to believe.
- Wait. You're right.
- He did say something.
Hmm
My superpower senses are tingling.
What are they trying to tell me?
Is it time to switch mouthwash?
Stock up on string cheese?
Start wearing a derby!
- I've got it.
- Zorak's lying!
- No more fibs!
- What's going on?
Aah!
Mating season on my planet started 20 minutes ago.
I must go.
To get butter and cheese?
I feelThe urge!
Typical musician.
Look, we have a show to do, and you can't leave till it's over.
Put a lid on it, zorak or whatever you do.
You'll just have to wait 15 minutes
before you go spread your evil seed.
I want to talk to Catherine bach and
ask her about that bowling trophy.
Ok, I won't try and look at myself.
Greetings, citizen Catherine, and welcome to the show.
Thank you, space ghost.
Tell me, Catherine, do you have a bowling trophy?
Yes, I do.
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Thatwas a good anecdote.
Ha ha ha!
I'm getting splotchy.
As we all know, you originated the role of Daisy on
the Dukes of hazza, and I think we all
want to know, what two words
would you use to describe boss hogg?
Monkey gland, uh Sauce?
Uh, two words, please.
So delicate and perfect.
- You could tell.
- And how did they treat you on that show?
Would they give you a whole meal or just one course?
The Dukes of Hazzard gave me the entree.
- But no dessert?
- HmmSounds kind of cheap.
Now, your new tv series takes you to a new continent.
Tell me, how is Africa different from the states?
There's no siegfried and Roy in, um, in South Africa.
- What?
- I didn't know that.
Moltar, get my investment adviser on the phone.
Divest all interest in South Africa immediately!
Uh, those views were mine and do
not necessarily reflect the station
or its owners.
Quick, Catherine, cover for me!
Tell a story about the black rhino.
First of all, the black rhino does not breed in captivity.
Nor do I!
They are now taking the black rhino and trying to impregnate
the white rhino, the female white rhino
Go on.
Would you please keep your mind on the music?
- I can't.
- It's mating season.
So what's the big deal?
Unless Zorak, is it your first time?
- Don't be ridiculous!
- I've mated, uh, plenty of times!
- Wait a minute.
- That can't be true!
And why not?
Because your head's still attached to your body.
Whew!
You see, in the mantis marital act, the female typically
eats the head and brain of the male.
You're kidding.
You didn't know that?
That's not what my mother told me.
Ha ha ha!
It's not funny!
Ha ha ha!
Catherine, I'll have to ask you to please stop laughing.
I'm serious!
I warned you.
Ok, zorak, she's gone.
And you know what I was thinking?
If you want to go mate, I shouldn't stop you.
It's every space creature's inalienable
right to know love and be loved
and have love and share love and know love and
did I say that one already?
I'm not so sure I want to be loved anymore.
What, are you afraid of commitment?
Hey, look, there's Matthew sweet!
The teen tycoon of rock frombeyond the valley of the dolls.
Uh, tell me, Matt, uh, how do your pants, uh, stay up?
I just concentrate very hard.
It's built into my brain.
Like, I don't even need a belt for that.
- Very good.
- Here's a riddle.
What would you eat with a biodip?
A biochip.
You're sharp.
I bet you're pretty powerful, too.
You know, I can use my power bands to bring the Atlantic ocean
to a boiling point in 5 seconds.
Can you point a finger and heat something up?
If you mean like baking a potato
or boiling an egg, I might be ok.
- I thought so.
- Keep working at it.
You have the makings of superhero.
Perhaps I could give you some tips.
Bl-bl-bl-bl!
I can't hold it!
I must go to my home planet!
I wantlove!
But the consequences bl-bl-bl-bl!
Yeah, go on.
Matthew, what do you think?
Should zorak go home to mate?
Uh, have a good time, all the time.
Even if it means certain death?
Why not?
That settles it!
I'm off, and I'm taking the phantom cruiser.
All right, but in the event you lose your head, call a cab.
Oh, and, uh, there's a gino vanelli
tape in the glove compartment.
Yee-hoo!
Heh, heh, dear me.
A thousand pardons, friends.
Zorak's music normally covers that.
It's all because you sneak bites from a pork chop sandwich
during station breaks.
Mmm. I don't know what you're talking about.
It's a disgusting habit!
Come on, lots of people are doing it.
Matthew sweet, you're a man of the world.
Have you ever had a big, sloppy pork chop sandwich?
Yeah, it wasn't too good.
We had to cancel some shows.
Needless to say, I haven't done it since then.
Ah, you're no help.
What was I talking about?
That's right, no music.
Well, we can't have that, so I will provide it.
- Oh, really?
- You bet!
Steve Allen played the piano, Arthur Godfrey played the ukulele,
and I, space ghost, play the blues harp.
Can't really do it unless someone's telling a sad story.
Tell a sad story.
Uh, well, I What happens is,
I'll drink perfect. Keep going!
I get really thirsty onstage,
and I don't feel it or anything because I just
have a couple of beers.
Yeah, yeah.
But when they're empty,
I keep going back and picking up an empty
bottle over and over again.
It makes me really frustrated.
Sadder. Make it sadder.
So I got in the habit of knocking
them off the back of the amplifier
because they would never break.
Testify!
Uh Go on with your bad self!
Like, a beer bottle's pretty sturdy.
A beer bottle's pretty sturdy
But anyhow, so I would knock them off the back, and one night,
I knocked one off, and I guess it
must have exploded or something,
because I was playing the last song,
and my hands felt all sticky,
and I looked down, and there was blood everywhere.
We should take this show on the road, play the house of blues!
Here's where he mentions Dan aykroyd.
- Hey, I know Dan aykroyd.
- I know Dan aykroyd.
Matthew, can I ask you a favor?
All right.
Would you mind holding your breath while I ask moltar
a non-show-related question?
Moltar, what's going on with zorak?
My readings show he's landed on
his home planet and is zeroing in
on his target.
If I said you had a beautiful exoskeleton,
would you hold it against me?
Ha ha ha!
Struck out!
You know, moltar, I never realized how scrawny zorak was
compared to the others.
Yeah, his steady diet of evil has taken its toll.
Ultimately the internal manifests itself in the external.
Um, yeah.
I wish I had the slightest idea what moltar was talking about.
- Uh, space ghost?
- What?
You should check on Matthew.
I think we're about to lose him.
Silly me! Ha ha.
Matthew, you can stop now.
You know, Matthew, just because
somebody tells you to do something
doesn't mean you should always do it.
Really?
Do you think, in the future, you should try to be more careful?
Yeah, a little more careful.
Space ghost, you better check this out.
There's activity on zorak's home planet.
Looks like zorak's made a love connection!
Do you like walks in the rain?
Oh, yes!
And Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonnets from the Portuguese?
How did you know?
I know things about you.
You're the most exciting mantis I've ever met.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
And so you shall!
Zorak going to his home planet was a great idea.
Love has transformed him.
When he comes back, he'll be a new bug.
I don't think he'll be coming back.
Why not?
I explained it all earlier in the show.
Don't you remember?
Of course I remember.
I have to go to the little ghost's room.
- -
- Got to use my memory.
The female typically eats the head and brain of the male.
The maleThe head Dear lord! That's right!
Sorry, Matthew, our time is up.
There's a crisis, and you've got to
understand, I'm a superhero first
and a talk show host second.
We can be invisible together.
Nice try, but I was saving galaxies while you were still
reading along with the lyrics of the
three dog night harmonyalbum.
I think I can handle this one alone.
Good-bye.
Moltar, it's time for action.
We must get zorak out of there!
- Well, what can we do?
- Nature must run its course.
Plus, he took the phantom cruiser.
But this means certain death for zorak.
I know.
Uh, can I have his dressing room?
How can you think of dressing rooms at a time like this,
a time of great sadness?
Oh, zorak, we hardly knew ye.
Yes, you were pure evil, but I learned to see the good in that.
I'll miss you, my little friend who used to try and kill me,
but rest assured, you will not be forgotten.
I'll always remember that vile,
near-poisonous gas you would emit
whenever you were happy, and I'll never forget lunching
with you in the commissary, watching
you eat 10 raw chickens and drink toner
from the copy machine.
You loved that toner.
- I know!
- We'll have a parade!
We'll declare a national holiday on the
ghost planet, with wonderful floats
and big balloons, and we'll all drink fizzy lemonade and eat
neapolitan ice cream!
We'll celebrate the moments of your life, zorak!
You shall not have died in vain!
A ghost!
Idiot.
Zorak, is that really you?
Yes!
He's back!
Darn! I wanted that neapolitan ice cream.
What happened on your home planet?
I don't want to talk about it.
But you couldn't have mated.
We can see your head's still attached to your body.
I said I don't want to talk about it!
We're all coworkers here.
There's nothing you couldn't open up and tell us.
Couldn't close the deal, could you?
Thatwasn't the problem.
Then what was?
I mean, we saw you leave with that lady mantis.
That lady mantis Wasn't really a lady.
Not really a lady? Huh?
Then she must have been wait!
You were digging on a dude?
It's not what you think.
Carl is part of a male mantis
resistance movement that intercedes
at the moment when the urge is the worst.
He lured me back to his nest,
where we ate barbecue and talked sports
until the urge had passed.
He saved my life, and for that, I will always be grateful.
What a remarkable story.
I wonder who owns the movie rights.
Ted Turner.
Oh, well, never mind.
We're just glad to have you back.
- And I'm glad to be back.
- You know why?
Because now I can continue to plot
my revenge against you, space ghost,
and make every moment of your life a living heck!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
It's not funny!