Speechless (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 I've got homework.
Who called the family meeting? I did.
We have a problem.
Wait, there's no push-back on me calling a family meeting? Aww.
I love you guys.
- [Indistinct chatter.]
- Stop! Down! College-application time.
JJ's not taking it seriously.
Seniors were supposed to hand in this essay a week ago.
Why haven't you done it? It's really important.
"It is.
But there's so much good TV these days.
" Living in the golden age of content is no excuse, JJ.
Your father and I will support whatever hopes you have for college, but you got to take the lead.
Let's talk essay.
What is your passion? P-O-O No, JJ, not buying it.
Pretending you have to poop has gotten you out of enough jams.
You have passions.
Let's put our heads together.
We got this.
I've got it! What's your passion? "Short essays.
" Done.
Eh? We all hate it when you try and think outside the box.
Yeah.
Oh, I know! Giving back to society.
When has he ever? Never.
He'll start.
Type.
- [Keyboard clacking.]
- "and make our world a better place for us all.
" Perfect.
JJ? That is not what you just said to him.
I told him what he needed to hear.
[Sighs.]
Oh, you can't be mad, though, can you? TV's too bloody good.
Mom, Dad? I don't ask for much.
I don't drive a fancy car or wear the latest fashions from Milan.
Can I have a pet snake? - Don't be ridiculous! - Not on your life.
I understand.
[Snake hissing.]
So, you're gonna be a secret snake.
Sssssss! What is it, darling? Danton College? That's six hours away.
"But it's good for" E-N "engineering.
It's my passion.
" Really? Buddy, you do know that an engineer isn't the guy who drives the train, right? He also has to inspect and maintain the train.
"I want to make things.
My life is a " P-U " puzzle.
I want to find solutions and help people.
" Well, that is beautiful.
I told you we were good parents! Agree to disagree.
JJ, engineering is your passion? You've never mentioned it.
"I didn't think it was" P-O "possible until now.
" Oh, they've got a tour this weekend.
"Can we go? It would be a" D-R "dream.
" [Sighs.]
Look at his face.
It's six hours away.
It's not practical.
I think we have to have a hard conversation.
Let me take this one? Buddy, we believe in you, but you going to a college that far away Overruled! How dare you limit our son?! JJ, go and pack.
Did you know we were going to do that? You know what, don't tell me.
Ruins the magic.
Gents.
Parents are away for the weekend.
Throwing a little get-together.
You guys are invited.
"A night of fantasy gaming.
When the parents are away, the kids shall roleplay?" Uh [Chuckles.]
Yeah, we'll see.
All right, seven yeses.
Ray, buddy, no one's gonna go to this.
Those kids want to go to parties.
Oh, no, this high school doesn't actually have parties.
That stuff's just a myth created by Hollywood elites.
[Sighs.]
Oh, Ray This high school has parties? Mm-hmm.
All right, new plan I'm throwing a real party.
And as the coolest guy I know, I want you to handle the guest list.
Oh, invite your brother! You for real? My brother's crazy.
I want him and his friends.
And tell him to bring [Whispers.]
liquid refreshments.
[Scoffs.]
It's your party.
Also, remind me, do parties at this school usually have, like, themes? What? No.
I was just kidding, Justin.
Comedy.
Maya: Come on, Dylan! Let's get on the road! Coming! [Sighs.]
Off to college, Dylan Junior.
I'll miss you.
Snakes can escape?! What were you doing back there? I'm restoring an antique piano.
Oh, okay.
Have a good weekend, guys.
Ta-ta.
Wait.
Ray's staying here? Yeah, we weren't sure about leaving a teenager alone for the weekend, but, I mean, the guy just said, "Ta-ta.
" Let's just hope this isn't the big ta-ta.
Finally! A little love around here.
[Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock And Roll" playing.]
Aah! Ohh! Ohh, that's a nail! [Grunts.]
That's a nail! Ohh! Ohh! Mommy, come home! [Knock on door.]
[Music stops.]
'Sup, Ray? Party's in here, boys.
What is this? Who are all these kids? You said to invite my brother and his friends.
I meant your cool older brother.
Why would he come to your party? The dude's got a moustache.
Thanks, Justin.
I owe you.
[Scoffs.]
I'm gonna hold you to that, Karen.
[Laughs.]
What the hell is happening?! Babysitting ring, bro.
I make mad coin.
And, uh, the moms ain't that bad, either.
Have a fun party, Ray.
You're not even staying? Oh, heads up.
If Trevor has peanuts, he'll die.
Don't let him trick you.
Dude loves peanuts.
Sucks for Trevor.
Hey, can I have some peanuts? My name's Chase.
This place is gorgeous.
Look at this quad.
Quad? At these prices, it should be a quint! - [Women scoff.]
- Laughing at great jokes is un-PC now, huh? Snowflakes.
What do you think of this place, JJ? "It's perfect.
" Should we go find that tour? Dylan: "There's a" S-T "student-only tour I want to take.
" So independent.
All right, go forth, son.
Come back with dreadlocks and tell me how everything I know is incorrect.
We are gonna break his heart.
Set aside the fact that this place is six hours away, we're never gonna be able to afford this tuition.
Oh, come on.
Of course [Gasps.]
Good God! That's just for JJ? Why do we have so many children? Uh, look, you know what, we'll go by the financial-aid office and have a talk.
You just couldn't keep your bloody hands off me, could you? [Chuckles.]
JJ, where are you going? You said the tour was meeting back there.
"We're not here for the tour.
" Are they filming a movie? JJ? JJ DiMeo's here! Wait! JJ, you're in this? We didn't come here so you could tour the college, we came here so you could be in some movie? This isn't "some movie.
" This is "Bikini University 3: Horny Homecoming.
" "I'm sorry, I'm gross.
" No, it's what you should have said.
JJ! I'm Frank Dante, the director.
So glad you answered our ad.
Dylan: "It's an honor.
I loved 'Bikini University 2: - The Dean's" - Ahh! R-E "Revenge.
'" Kid, you don't know how happy that makes me.
People say that today's teens don't want raunchy comedies like "Bikini U.
" "I do.
Gimme.
Gimme.
Gimme.
" "Gimme.
" I like this kid! JJ! Mom and Dad are gonna kill you when I tell them why we're really here.
"If you do, I'll tell them about your S" You know about my snake?! How? We've been so careful when I haven't lost him.
Hi! We're gonna be working together! I'm Ally, but my character's name is Bikini Boobs.
- [Laughs.]
- "I'm JJ.
My character is Bikini Boobs In Face Wheelchair Boy.
" [Sighs.]
You suck.
Like, a lot.
We have many financial-aid packages available.
Take a look.
[Clicks tongue.]
Pauline, do you know, I've never said this to a woman before.
But I want to make you fall in love with me, give myself to you once then break your heart.
And when you ask me why, I'm gonna say, "'Cause of that chart.
" That was fun.
Uh, wait, this looks interesting.
Uh, 80% off tuition? Uh, that's for kids of Danton employees.
Oh, we can do that.
I'll move up here and I'll get a job.
But what would you do? Clerical work, be an assistant.
You know, I'll start at the bottom.
[Snickers.]
Why are you laughing? You, starting at the bottom.
Answering to someone, taking orders You know what? Actually, could you get me that pen? - Get it yourself.
- Yeah, that was a test.
- You want to know how you did? - [Sighs.]
So I'm a natural alpha.
Sue me.
Look, if I've got to slum it to help my son, then that's what I'll do.
Don't believe me? Look, I'll show you.
- Your pen.
- That's actually my pen.
Lady, I've had it up to here with you! [Children yelling.]
Oh, it's so loud.
Just be quiet! - [Yelling stops.]
- [Ball bouncing.]
Ugh.
Don't do that.
Now it's just eerie.
[Door closes.]
- [Children laughing.]
- Ray! You got me out of a hot tub with a Shakira look-alike to show me you started a daycare center? I tried to throw a party with the coolest kids from school, and this is who showed up.
I'm a total loser.
Hey, Ray, come on.
This could be a good thing.
You want to be cool? Start with an easy crowd first.
Kevin Hart did open mics before he could fill stadiums.
Baseball players start in the minors before they hit the big leagues.
Or rock stars.
There's a lot of examples.
I guess it's a very basic concept.
How do I even impress 10-year-olds? [Chuckles.]
Well, it's easy.
Hey, yo! Listen up! This guy right here [Laughs.]
he just said the "A" word.
[Admiring exclamations.]
Yeah, no, I'm not above this.
Okay, so, Dean Dinkins does his line "Shut this party down before you ruin everything! I'm trying to sell this college, and I won't have you blow it!" Then I say to JJ, "Your nose looks cold.
" And then I stick my chest in your face Then the dean talks.
"Shouldn't we rehearse that part?" Oh, no.
That part's easy.
JJ, why is your nose even cold? Oh, because the frat guys locked him in a freezer.
But then I come and warm him up.
[Giggles.]
"What might that look like?" Ugh, I'm really struggling with my character.
Hopefully, I'll just be amazing when we shoot it, for some reason.
"One" S-U "suggestion.
Say your line as you're walking out.
" I like it.
Do you direct? "No, I just watch lots of movies.
" Thanks, Boobs in Face Wheelchair Boy.
[Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
Hello.
I have the groceries you ordered.
You're the person the app sent? I know I don't look the part, but I'm using this app to prove I can take orders and hold a job so my son can attend the school of his dreams.
No, I was just confused.
It says here you're a man named Mayo.
A thousand apologies, oh, great Dave G.
[Sighs.]
This was the best grapefruit? Well, you asked for the "dankest grapefruit," which seemed subjective.
And I asked for Advil.
Oh, I got you the generic brand.
It's the same thing.
I saved you 3 bucks.
You should've gotten me Advil.
This stuff sucks.
It's literally the same thing.
Are you arguing with me? No! I'm being correct near an idiot.
[Upbeat funk music playing.]
Hey, Ray, we wanted to play some Minecraft.
What are your rules on screen time? It's a party, man.
Unlimited within reason.
- Yes! - Yes! Dude, I saw this kit in the store.
The box says 16 and older.
Wish I'd known that when I built it.
When I was 13.
Whoa.
Juice box me.
It's all good.
I know what "doing it" is.
He gave you one star, and the comment is, "Why can't I give zero stars?" Oh, for God's sake! I had no idea how hard it was to let people walk all over you.
What can I say, some of us just have a flair for being emasculated.
Look, this place is crazy expensive.
I-I don't think it's meant to be.
- We'll talk to JJ, and it'll be okay.
- Okay.
This grapefruit is not dank! Well, feed it to your three "Scarface" posters, jackass! You would not believe how often people come up to me and say, "Frank, I love the 'Bikini University' movies, and I'm a woman.
" [Cellphone chimes.]
Uh-oh.
Mom and Dad.
"Where's JJ? We need to talk.
" It's almost time for your big scene, JJ.
Wait.
What's wrong? "Want to do some real acting?" Hey.
We thought you guys were on the tour.
We're sorry, but it's not a realistic option.
Can we start heading back and talk about it in the car? JJ, there you are! I brought someone.
Dean Dinkins, this is JJ DiMeo.
JJ, I hear you're looking to join our engineering department.
Son, you seem like Danton material through and through.
You're the dean? You're very young.
And hot.
[Chuckles.]
I get that a lot.
Working with quality young people like JJ here is my own fountain of youth.
Yeah, JJ is awesome.
Well, he made a friend.
And she's hot.
She's like Dean Dinkins hot.
JJ, let's get back.
That math equation isn't gonna solve itself.
- May I borrow him? - For math.
Well, we can't quit, 'cause it's his dream, isn't it? Go on, open that app again.
- [Upbeat pop music playing.]
- Ah, look at you.
Feeling confident, huh? My man, I own this crowd.
I've got them wrapped around my finger.
And once they see my magic act Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Too confident.
- Too confident! - Too confident my "A.
" Kids, pop a squat.
I can't watch this.
I'm calling weird-eye Shakira to tell her to fire the tub back up.
[Dramatic rock music playing.]
We perceive our world through our five senses.
Or do we? [Children gasping.]
Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
- [Snake hissing.]
- Now I will remove my thumb.
[Admiring exclamations.]
I know, right? Awesome! [Hissing continues.]
- [High-pitched scream.]
- [Laughter.]
Uh, grab some of that equipment and follow me.
Oh, with pleasure.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Don't hold back.
Treat me like garbage.
- I am your peon.
- No, just that.
So this is for a movie? What are you filming? Okay, everyone, come in quick.
We'll hide from the snake in here.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
No one else is afraid of the snake? [Children chanting.]
: Babies! I've got bad news for you, Austin.
Those babies are us.
Frank, we are way behind.
We gotta do this.
Fine, but I need a rehearsal.
Where's Bikini Boobs? Still in makeup.
Well, just get me a stand-in.
Anybody! Hey, you, app lady.
Come with me.
Stand right here.
Face this way.
I mean, for five stars, I really would stand in a volcano.
Where's our horny wheelchair kid? [Wheels screech.]
That's my horny wheelchair kid.
JJ, I've lost sight of Dad and Mom.
I'm just gonna come clean.
I have a snake.
So that's why we're here? We drove six hours, we agonized over how to pay for it.
I was gonna get a job up here, and for what? So you could roll around a movie set and nuzzle some girl's chest puppies? You made your mother say "chest puppies.
" "In the movie's defense, they cast an actual wheelchair user for the part.
" Yeah, that is actually laudable.
Credit where credit's due.
- Sure.
- Doesn't change anything.
You lied! You lied.
We were so happy that you'd found a passion.
"You're"D-R "dreaming if you think I could go" S-O "someplace like this.
" I'm not buying your excuses anymore.
We take you seriously.
It's time you did, too.
Congratulations, JJ.
You've been accepted to college with honors.
Dean Dinkins, I'm gonna make you fall in love with me, - then I'm gon - Okay, you Just go.
Time to say goodbye to your friends.
"I'm sorry.
I have to leave.
" Eh, scene's a wreck, anyway.
There's no good way to shoot the party.
Bye, kid.
Jimmy: "Dad" U-N "unscrew my board.
" Together: Ray and Austin are chickens! Ray and Austin are chickens! Ray: Oh, I'm a chicken? - [Children chanting "Chicken!".]
- So I provide 35% of the protein America consumes? Real good insult.
Hey! All right.
All right.
All right.
We've had our fun.
Help me find that snake.
Let's go.
My dad would've found it already.
He kills snakes all the time.
My dad invented Pokémon.
Oh, really? Your dad is Satoshi Tajiri? Yeah, that's what I thought.
[Snake hissing.]
Ray? Dear God! What kind of snake highway's up there?! - [Thud.]
- [Both scream.]
[Hissing continues.]
Okay, you got this, Ray.
You g You got this.
All right.
Yes! Oh, no venom glands.
It's harmless.
I'm gonna go show everyone I caught it.
And I'm never gonna show my face again.
[Indistinct conversations.]
You ready? And action! She's a straight-talking, street-walking, top-shelf Leather-lining limousine [Crowd cheering.]
She's a car-stopping, ball-dropping firework A single-handed party scene Don't stop, don't drop for anyone Won't shake, won't break, she's having fun Oh, your nose looks cold! And cut! We got it! [Cheers and applause.]
Awesome.
[Laughs.]
Gosh! Look at that smile.
Never seen you so happy.
"I've never been so happy.
" Hmm.
And how much of that would you say is breast-related? "Five"P-E "percent.
" "Per breast.
" Well That's a lot left for movies.
Am I detecting a passion? "I'm"S-O "sorry I lied.
But thank you.
" Oh, it's all right.
It's exciting, isn't it? Now, do I have to have seen "Bikini University" 1 and 2 in order to understand your role in "Bikini University 3"? Come on out, snake.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Gasps.]
No way! [Children gasp.]
Austin found the snake! Yeah, it tried eating us both, but Austin wasn't scared.
Right, Austin? Yeah.
I made this snake my "B.
" All: Whoa! Ray pooped his pants.
[Laughter.]
Really, man? You had the win.
[Scattered "goodbye" s.]
Justin Chang's older brother! Dustin: Heard what you did.
Catching a snake but letting Austin Chang take credit? That's huge.
Come on, little bro.
Dustin Chang rates you one to watch.
Dude, you had a pretty good day.
[Laughs.]
But not as good as Dustin Chang's.
Dude is straight making out with one of the moms.
[Sighs.]
It's all happening so fast.
It was just yesterday I was bringing my baby home.
Now my baby's going to college? Babies can't go to college.
It'll be such a big change for him.
It's exciting.
Look at him back there.
Our little director.
Dreaming of cameras and shots.
Yeah, that's what he's burying his face in a giant pair of cameras.
- Hey, Dylan, your friend's here.
- It's time to get that hideous thing out of this house, once and for all.
Please? He only escaped because he was hungry.
Now I know snakes need food.
- Say goodbye, Dylan.
- [Sternly.]
Now.
[Sighs.]
You were a good snake.
But it's for the best.
Most of the fun was you being a secret, anyway.
Goodbye.
Hmm.
Fair trade.
Deal.
See the one that just left? That's what happens to snakes who doesn't stay secret.