Spirited (2010) s02e08 Episode Script

1 I was on a ferry.
I was pissed.
And I fell.
And I drowned.
Well, Suzy Darling, your tags are showing.
I loved my grandmother.
She taught me all her tricks.
Mum? I live here.
I see everything you do.
No way.
Suzy.
What are you doing here? I can go wherever I want.
Would you like to be free? Sweet dreams, Jonquil.
Have you spirited? What's that? "Last seen walking a schnauzer in Toulouse.
" Are you Zac Hannigan? I'm Henry Mallet.
I believe you think I'm dead.
Like a snake calling on the phone I've got no time to be alone There's someone coming at me all the time Yeah, babe, I think I'll lose my mind 'Cause I'm stranded on my own Stranded far from home Alright Stranded.
Everybody's got a lot to learn about the things they say and do You gotta see immortality ain't necessarily true When you're lying deep in the grave No breath left in your lungs You're gonna have to admit it, boy You can't stay forever young Look in the mirror Only thing you see The grey is getting greyer And the wrinkles getting deep You're getting older You're getting older You're getting older Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, yeah, oh, yeah Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh yeah Nuh.
Nothing.
Oh, come on.
Try to remember.
I think I remembered Scotch Finger.
Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? We're dead.
We are dead.
Makes me wonder.
Do you ever wonder, Henry where you would have ended up if punk hadn't died and taken you to the grave with it? Punk's not dead.
It always smelt that way.
You'd be old and comfortable.
A fortune tucked away somewhere.
Nuh.
I would have snorted it all by now.
He'd be Sid Vicious without the bite.
Fuck off.
I don't bite.
Dentures maybe.
Yeah.
Probably.
Dentures, a little paunch terrible hair, a sensible shoe.
Makes me fucking shudder what this generation's come to wearing.
We're better off dead.
Oh! Imagine old Henry.
Sorry, what are you driving at, Darren? Well, there is somebody I think you should meet.
You should, um, take a look upstairs.
Uh, well, uh, is it true about the pineapple doughnut? Surely, in Hungary I'm sorry.
Sorry, look, I'm not normally so, uh I mean, you probably hate me going on like this, but, I mean, it's just it's you.
It's actually you.
Your book.
Oh, well, look, my book.
Look, I'd have, um, changed the ending, you know, if I'd have known that, you know, that you weren't dead.
You're quite the biographer.
I think maybe you know me more than I know myself.
Well, thank you.
I mean I hardly, you know it's your claiming for me to be It was like I was channelling you.
Has that ever happened? Were you? Were you channelling me? No.
But perhaps some form of collaboration is not such a bad idea, Zac.
You see I've been waiting a very long time for someone like you to come along.
You see, I'm done hiding, Zac.
It's time for a Mallet renaissance.
And you, Zachariah, are just the man to make that happen.
It says it in a big sign.
It says, "Validate your parking here.
" I know.
But I just don't do it like that.
But you would have saved hundreds of dollars.
Better not disturb them.
Zac's out there with his rock star friend.
Rock star? Thank you very much.
It was hardly a chore.
Hey.
What? But Zac loves this photo frame.
Zac? I just need to, uh You can come, yeah.
Darling, wait till you meet this man.
What have you done to yourself? Suzy, meet Henry Mallet.
A pleasure to meet you.
What? The Henry Mallet.
Yes.
Uh, let's not, Zac.
Hmm? We need to be a bit clever about this.
Let's not just go leaking it in front of anyone, shall we? Absolutely.
And who's this young lady? Uh, this is Jonquil.
This is my girlfriend.
You used to be on my wall.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Jonquil.
I hope we haven't altered your apartment too much.
Oh, it's fine.
No.
No, no, no.
You're dead.
Uh, yes.
But, no, Suzy, he's not.
Uh, did anyone else know that you survived, Henry? Only my lover, the Duchess.
But, sadly, she dropped dead.
Yes, we hid away in Geneva.
Geneva.
Of course.
The sightings.
Suze, I've just been talking to the King.
Yes, one or two slip-ups, Zac.
One or two.
Who's this? Please forgive Suzy.
She's, uh, almost as big a Nerve fan as I am.
H-h-how have you done this? It was a tremendous burden being the Henry Mallet.
Well, I'll be fucked.
Really had no choice but to become a recluse.
This is brilliant.
Truth be told, I was never a great musician.
But attitude went a long way.
He, uh, he breeds schnauzers now, which is truly fascinating.
Never happier than when I'm surrounded by my bitches.
I'd let that one go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on a minute.
Henry Mallet had blue eyes.
Someone's been reading your book, Zac.
I'm Henry Mallet's biggest fan.
Maybe not the biggest.
Come here.
Contact lenses.
Oh.
A life incognito requires attention to detail.
Well, Zac, what say you and I get to do this over lunch? Yes.
Excellent.
Come this way.
After you.
It's like having your own cover band.
And his hair is, like, amazing.
And he walks different.
He's like oh, oh.
And I'm taller than he is.
No, you aren't.
Yes, I am.
Well, anyway, people stoop with age.
Suze, I'm not him.
He's not me.
But maybe we've caused this by spiriting.
We went away and now he turns up.
Yeah, he turns up and he's a shyster.
A shyster with schnauzers.
Well, I think I should go and see Mum, 'cause she's more experienced.
And she might know if we've If we've what? Upset the balance, or something.
What the fuck? My treat, Zac.
I don't know, Zac.
You think people still care about the Henry Mallet story? Yeah, sales will go through the roof.
Yeah.
I mean, what about that? Will you make a claim on the Nerve royalties? Come along, Zac, I was never in it for the money.
You, of all people, should know that.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I do.
Sorry, that was that was a little crass of me.
But, tell me what's all this talk of a film? It's a biopic based on my book.
And I'm a consultant.
Well, perhaps it should be based on two books.
What? What you'll write a book? With you.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
And you should be involved in the film.
Oh.
Yeah, they're filming it at my building, which was the last place you stayed before you you didn't die.
Before I chose to live, Zac.
No, no, no.
I insist.
It's Zac's shout.
Very kind.
Um wow.
Um I think you and I are headed for the bestseller list.
Mmm.
Thanks.
Mum? Mum? Robbie? Mum? Mum? Mum? Suzy.
Oh, I was just Oh, sorry.
Oh, no, it's got nothing to do with spiriting.
No? But if he never died, what does that make your other Henry? A figment of your imagination? I hadn't thought about that.
Oh, Suzy.
We both know that's not true.
Pineapple cake.
Robbie's favourite.
It's not my favourite, but that's OK.
OK.
Let's say he really is who he claims to be.
Wouldn't that be everything you want? No.
A real, living Henry that you can touch.
I think you should nab this Henry.
I mean, what does age matter anyhow? Try.
You'll soon find out if it's not him.
Right.
Hello.
Hi.
Did we get off on the wrong foot? Pardon? Any cabs, Zac? Um I'm Suzy Darling.
The years, they've been kind.
Hmm.
Thank you.
You've aged well.
OK, then.
Um oh, is my tag showing? What? My tags, I think they're What are you talking about? Thanks, mate.
Hey wait a minute.
You gave him Henry's diaries? Yeah, right.
Well, he is Henry.
So I returned them to the rightful owner.
But I know it's hard to fathom, Suzy.
But, uh, have a look at this.
He signed my book.
Look at the handwriting.
How brilliant is that? Yeah, look.
OK, um, I'm as excited as you are about Henry.
But we need to stay cool, OK? Because Mallet lives! Shh.
Shh.
He's coming.
What if, um what if Henry's the impersonator? Now, that is interesting.
Fascinating.
Yeah, maybe you went to a fancy dress party.
You're just some bloke in a costume.
What? And choked on a hot dog? That was you, love.
Yeah, I'm cool with it.
Suze.
Where's the silver fox? Silver fox? Yeah.
Oh.
There's no denying he's a very good-looking man.
Hmm.
Where is he? I reckon we need to keep tabs on that joker.
Yeah.
I spoke to Mum.
And she thinks that this has got nothing to do with spiriting.
Well, of course it hasn't.
Well, I don't know, Henry.
I have no idea what is going on.
Alright.
Look, just chill out.
It's fine.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, I really just have to get to work.
OK.
OK.
Fine.
Uh your tag's showing.
Oh, sticky hands.
Sticky hands.
Let go, sweetie.
Do you want to see my bedroom? Um in a minute.
Alright, kids, homework time.
Hello.
Mum said drop you off, make sure you started your homework.
Elvis, do you really have to film everything? Dad, this is my homework.
Hey, hey, stop that.
That's Hey, enough.
Homework.
Homework.
Steve how do you get rid of the kids if you want to? If you want to? Talk privately.
OK, mate, um here's 50 bucks.
Take your sister down the shops for some iceblocks.
We have iceblocks.
Well, take her to the bloody casino, I don't care.
Just scoot so I can be alone with Jennifer.
Why? Because I like her.
How much? 50.
What? Do you want 100? No.
I mean, how much do you like her? Oh.
Um quite a bit.
A lot.
I mean, I haven't really said this before, but maybe she's, um maybe she's, um Hot.
No.
But yes.
Maybe she's the one for me.
Good.
Yeah.
OK, just tell me.
I'll get out of the way.
Verity, come on.
Let's go for a walk.
Henry, it's Zac.
You're probably busy.
I've got all the time in the world for you.
OK.
Well, I just wanted to always ask.
Interrogate him, Zac.
What was it about for you? Was it the music? Was it the politics? Was it the girls? I suppose really it was just about giving the establishment a good kick up the arse.
I mean, the music itself was just 3-chord thrashing.
What? Uh do you think? Yeah.
I mean, really, we just did what the manager told us to do.
Oh, come on, don't let him get away with that shit.
Um, really? Oh, well, um, how's the hotel, then? Very adequate, thank you.
Did you like the restaurant? Delightful.
Three stars.
Zac.
Zac, no, come on.
V.
Blowstev.
Might be Polish.
OK.
It's uh Looks like it is moving to E.
There's lots of activity here, Steve.
Lots of activity.
Really? Go on, Steve.
Push it again, mate.
Do you think he's here? Make your presence known to us, Henry Mallet.
Oi, Henry.
You're not even supposed to be here.
Shoo, virgins.
Steve thinks you're his guardian angel.
So what? Seen his girlfriend? It'd be remiss not to at least say g'day.
Hello, you mad cow.
Try to commune, Steve.
Hello.
This is Steve speaking.
How may I help you? Good.
Why do you get all the live ones, Henry? What are you even listening to Steve for? Speak to me my special guy I'm not your special guy, dickhead.
Linda, what's the oldest you've ever dated? Oh, um Have you ever gone for a silver fox? I think that mould might be set.
It takes a moment.
You never wanted a sugar daddy? Nup.
DILFs, they call them.
What does that stand for? I think that mould might be set now.
Mr O'Keefe, open wide.
Thank you.
Great.
I can't believe you were pushing the pointer the whole time.
This is deadly serious to me, Steve.
I know it is, babe.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's personal.
I thought I could trust you.
And you can trust me.
You can.
If only you knew half of what I can do.
Well What can you do? I've said too much.
No, say more.
I release them.
I can send spirits to a better place.
I just wanted you to take it seriously.
I thought you were a true believer.
Jen come to my place.
You just don't give up.
No, not for sex.
Not for hot all-night sex, no.
For my mum.
Your mum? I thought she was dead.
Yeah, that's the problem.
I need your help.
We need to do something.
We need to test this wanker.
Grab the diaries.
Drill him on every detail.
Make Zac see.
We can't.
'Cause, um, Zac's already given him the diaries.
Why would he do that? Because everyone is convinced by him.
Oh, fuck.
Everyone except mad Suzy.
Well, as long as you aren't.
Mad? Convinced by him.
Oh.
Suzy Zac's on the phone with him again.
When do I get some attention? Can you ask her to leave? They're just getting so involved.
It's, like, "Henry this Henry that, Henry I'm not alive.
Jonquil what if he isn't Henry Mallet.
I think Zac is better-placed to judge that than you.
Well, what if he's a fake? He's not, though.
They're signing a deal.
What deal? I don't know.
Some deal.
Do you want to stay for a glass of wine? Come on, stay, stay, stay, stay.
We never stay and hang out and chat.
Just one.
What deal? And Henry's going to help Zac consult on the new biopic.
So Henry's gonna go public? When the new book's written.
Oh, great.
A bullshit artist writing my memoir.
What nobody seems to understand is how difficult it is for me.
Henry Mallet is completely hot for me.
I'm sorry? He's what? That's why I'm dressing down.
This is just insult to injury, this is.
It's ever since I was revived.
It's my mother's spirit.
She's, um watching me.
I mean, I can't even have a wank.
It's dire.
Oh, Steve, why do you need to? What? Wank? Because we don't Steve, you're sweet.
You really are, but you know I'm saving myself.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Look, and I don't want to hurt what we have, Jen.
What we have is good.
But my balls are like storm-damaged fruit, babe.
Oh.
Help me with the mother thing at least.
'Cause it is freaking me out.
You go relax.
Leave it to me.
Yeah.
I just suddenly remembered your stream of consciousness poem.
Yeah, you remember? Zac? Do you want me to recite it? Zac? - You know it, yeah? - Yes, Zac.
Well, I thought how about we write the first chapter in that style? Zac, tell him it's bedtime.
Say I'm in my pyjamas and he's keeping me up.
Say, "Jonquil's just lying here Jonquil! Please! This is important.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
Well, you can just recite.
Just spill random thoughts out.
Yeah.
Well, now if you want.
We'll give it a bash tomorrow.
No, tomorrow.
That's OK.
Shall we say a time? Wow! This is very interesting.
Where are we? Well, um We're in my subconscious.
Uh, Jonquil? Yeah, hi.
Um What am I doing here? Now, get on that.
Right, good.
Now I'm gonna ride you, you mystery, fantasy man of my own making.
I'm gonna ride you like the fabulous dream bitch I am.
Yeah.
Yes.
It's Well, at least we've got some proof against fake Henry now.
I'd never go for Jonquil.
That version of you can go for anyone he chooses.
But, no, he's not a version of me.
I'm just saying.
Well, don't just say.
Don't ever just say that.
I guess you could always climb into his body.
Fuck.
And tell me you just didn't say that.
Well, no, I only Suze, what more do I have to do? Don't let this guy get to you.
'Cause that's what you're doing.
I can see.
You're letting him get to you.
And don't let him get to Zac or Jonquil either.
Or anyone else.
Suze, you've got to promise me.
I wouldn't jump into that fake's body if he was the last cock on the planet.
Oh, outta mind, outta sight Gotta keep my body tight Boom, do, do-do I got a notion in my head Well, outta sight, outta mind Gotta keep my body tight Oh! Oh! Tell me it's real! Yes, it's me.
Is everything OK? Huh? I'm sorry, Henry.
It really is a once-in-an-eternity event.
Oh, come on.
He's just some fuckwit in a suit.
You do know that, right? No, I do not know that.
I've been up close.
And he looks a lot like you, Henry.
Well, have you heard his voice? And I doubt any of us have seen this before.
Seen what exactly? You, Henry, are a split soul.
He's the living part.
And you are the offcuts.
It really is a wonderful, wonderful afterlife.
The plunge.
Port Jackson, take me into your murk.
Shock me from this drunken stupor.
These words actually bubbled from my mouth, Zac.
I hope you're getting this down.
Yep, yep, yep.
It's great.
'Bubble', it's really great.
A ferry.
Yes, a ferry forgotten far above me.
Henry Mallet's damascene moment.
Um, yep.
OK.
I can spellcheck that.
There there in Sydney Harbour I shed everything shallow about me.
Your youth wasted on drugs and alcohol.
Everything shallow left to rot in Sydney Harbour.
This is deep.
Deep.
Uh, that's good.
In the depths, everything shallow left to rot in the depths of Sydney Harbour.
And the real me, the real me chose to swim.
Sorry to What? intrude? Hmm? Oh.
Oh, yes, I lost a lens.
Oh, I see.
Sorry, I just wanted to show you this.
Oh, look at that, a perfect replica.
No.
Where did you pick that up, a fan site? It's real.
Send in money order for 5.
95.
This is yours.
You should know that.
You gave it to me.
You're not lying, are you? No.
No, I'm not lying.
Certainly sounds like the old me.
Always dishing out keepsakes for every tragic.
Oh, no, no, no.
You keep it.
I'm sure it means a lot more to you than it does to me.
Sad little groupies always chasing a vicarious sense of cool.
Hello, Zac.
Slight food trap behind the second premolar.
How often are you flossing? Last time was 1983.
Yeah, I suppose it was.
Can you open up again for me? All pretty healthy despite being Being dead.
No, being British.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
Right.
Well, it's quite nice to be back on record again.
No-one can argue with the dental comparison, Henry.
We have got him now.
So, you came for a reason or? Um, yep- I'm in love.
Oh.
Yeah, I really think she's the one, Suze.
Jennifer is the real deal.
That's good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um Is that all you wanted to say? No, um here.
These came through.
They're our divorce papers.
So I'll just put them up here, shall I? No, I'll take them.
Yep, you can just sign them.
Um Uh OK if I take this? I think it's mine.
I think it came across in the move.
Sure.
Yep.
You're not taking this very well, are you? Mmm, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Look, it's not this.
It's not you.
Well, what is it? It's, um There's this guy who's conning Zac.
He claims to be Henry Mallet.
What? The bloke downstairs? No, it's not him.
No? No.
I just saw him.
No way it's him.
How can you be so sure? Suze, I'm like the kid from 'The Sixth Sense', OK? That's my favourite film.
You know, some things just are what they are.
Henry Mallet's ghost visitated me.
That's all the proof I need, OK? I am a true believer.
Bridge work, crowns, fillings.
Whatever you need, on the house.
That's very decent of you.
What time should I pick them up? Hmm? I beg your pardon? Oh, these aren't real.
No, I lost the whole rack, I'm afraid.
Downside to a crazed youth.
Dentures? Yeah.
Are they Swiss? Linda, look at the craftsmanship.
Porcelain? I suppose so.
They're exquisite.
Thank you.
Oh, not that! Well, it's worthless.
Well, it might be nice to keep it.
You know, just to have it.
Probably wasn't much of a plan anyway.
Well, I would have known.
Oh, and don't you? What exactly are we trying to prove here? I mean, this I'm here.
I know you are, Henry.
Suze, this is me.
I'm right here.
Oh, Henry.
I better get going.
You've got another patient coming.
Henry, I'm sorry.
I I don't doubt you.
I wish I could kiss you.
I'll see you later.
I'll wait for you upstairs.
Let's have a nice time tonight, just you and me.
Yeah.
OK.
Where are we? Excuse me, where are we going? You'd better ask Darren Bonney.
Excuse me, are you Darren Bonney? See clause 25.
5? There is no 25.
5.
Zac, do you know someone called Darren Bonney? Man, never meet your heroes.
It's not very punk for Henry to write his own contract.
Zac, answer me.
Do you know someone called Darren Bonney? Um murderer.
Mass murderer.
Mass murderer from Adelaide.
Maybe I need a lawyer.
Yes, what now? Go on, live your life pretending, if you must.
Very well.
Good day.
But not here.
Not in Henry's resting place.
His soul can see you.
I'm going upstairs now.
You're not going to try and stop me doing that, are you? No, I probably can't.
I can wait, though.
And I'll watch you.
I have to go to work.
Sooner or later you'll slip up.
And I'll be waiting.
You're not Henry Mallet.
You don't have a trace of what was loved about that man.
You never will.
I know it.
And you know it.
You're a feeble, sad little fake.
But carry on with this lie weighing you down.
I'm waiting.
I'm watching.
And so is Henry.
You're a fake.
A pretender.
It's not gonna work.
I know the truth.
You're a complete fraud.
It can't be.
Bingo.
Oh, far out.
Now he's not answering his phone.
I don't know about this guy, Jonquil.
Today's the big day.
Film people are in for the auditions and Henry's letting me down.
If that's who he really is.
Jonquil? 0-4-4-3-5-5