Staged (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

Right.
Well
I have to go.
Ooh, off to work?
Off to work.
Yeah, escape.
Escape!
What would you do if the world
was actually ending?
I'd come visit you.
- Here?
- Yeah, I'd bring the entire family.
- All seven of you?
- And Myrtle.
Right.
Right.
That's all right, isn't it?
I mean, it's a lovely thought.
I'm not sure it's practical.
I mean, we'd have to get
a very big shop in.
Just make a big omelette.
We'll be fine.
- Can I just say, if it does end
- Yeah.
just hold off for a little bit.
It depends how long we've got, though.
It's quite a long drive.
Yeah, well, I tell you what,
hopefully we'd all perish
before you actually arrived.
Cos it is quite a way, isn't it?
- Hopefully?!
- But I'd know that you were coming,
and that would make me feel good.
But then you wouldn't actually get here
because that would be difficult.
- So, what would you do?
- Do I know the world is ending?
Hey, what do you mean?
Do I know the world's ending?
Has it been announced?
I don't fucking know. It's your
hypothetical situation.
You've got to give me some details.
- Do I know the end is coming?
- Yes, you do.
I would have a nap.
And if it was a surprise?
Er, well, then I wouldn't know
it was coming, would I,
so I would just be doing normal things.
More than likely,
I would be talking to you.
- Exactly like this.
- Yes.
Sorry, it's chaos here.
Everything all right?
The suitcases are back.
So, right, if we can just go through
this a couple of times,
- even just once, we'll be good to go.
- 7.30 start.
Yeah.
So, our scene's up first, live,
and then they do the auction.
Ooh, getting close!
I'm really looking forward to it.
Yeah, we just need to get David
to leave first.
Yeah, Michael's heading to the
airport in a couple of hours.
- Aren't you going with him?
- Nope, I'm going to Sweden tomorrow.
Sweden?
So, he can get to New York,
but he has to isolate.
We don't want Lyra to isolate.
And he has to go to New York?
There's a wedding.
He's the best man.
He's written a speech.
Well, doesn't he have
to isolate too, though?
He's booked a room across the road
of the ceremony,
so he's going to shout his speech.
- Are you joking?
- Uh-uh.
Well, you're going to have
a lovely time.
- Shall we?
- Yeah, sure.
Sorry, we do actually just need
to wait for David to leave.
The birds are flying away.
Yeah, they do that this time of year.
How do they stay in formation?
- You know I'm not an ornithologist?
- Er, I am aware of that fact.
Yeah.
I was just wondering if
you might hazard a guess?
I would hazard that they follow
the one in front
Ah, probably.
until they get home.
Like the elephants.
Like the elephants.
All right?
Yeah, Anna and Lyra aren't coming
to New York.
- Oh.
- Am I a bad father?
- No.
- Am I a bad friend?
- No.
- No.
Hey, listen, though.
We did it.
We did do it.
Yeah, sanity intact.
Intact-ish.
Just about serviceable.
Yeah, I mean, enough for jazz.
- Probably quite good for jazz.
- Absolutely.
And we never ran out of things to say.
Is that true?
Well, I did have to do
a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Well, no, only when you were having
- your existential crisis.
- You had one of those, too!
Yes, but mine was smaller because
I have a smaller existence.
Yeah.
And I had time, therefore,
to keep the badinage going.
Well, thank goodness you had all
those years of experience
to fall back on.
Yes, well, love, I have
the craft of improv.
- Poo-poo!
- Oh, Spidey.
- Yes!
- Improv. Spider web!
Yes! Oh, here comes my zap,
pow, bang, wallop!
Wahey!
Come on, serve me one up.
Serve me one up.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Here comes!
- Oh, and there it is!
- Oh, no!
He's coming back. He's coming back.
He's coming back!
And pow!
Oh, in my face!
- Like improv jizz.
- Oh, yeah!
There must be things that we still
haven't talked about.
- No, I really have to go.
- Books!
- No.
- We never did books.
They're waiting for me outside.
- Come on.
- I'm going. I have to go.
This is me. I'm leaving.
No!
- No!
- Ah!
Books! Books!
Their conversations are like gas.
It just expands to fit whatever
vessel they put it into.
I don't have that kind of
relationship with anyone.
I think it's a fear of silence.
Oh.
I like silence.
I adore it.
That's because you have a one-year-old.
Silence is like
For fuck's sake, David!
We've never talked about
love.
Can you get off that machine
and out of the house
before I bury you in the garden
with your fucking goldfish?
- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Georgia.
Hi, could you let him go?
- Happily.
- OK.
OK.
You on set today?
- Yes, this very evening.
- Yeah, what time do you wrap?
Oh, middle of the night,
I would have thought.
Cardiff is lovely in the middle
of the night.
I'm very excited.
What if I can't remember how to do it?
- Act?
- Yeah.
No! It's always easy-peasy, man!
It's just that I have no other
discernible skills.
- That's true.
- It's pretending.
It's just pretending.
Right, this is it.
- I have to go.
- Right you are.
I'm still not ready.
- Georgia's really angry.
- Well, I'll miss this.
Listen, we've got so much still
to talk about.
- Yes!
- Next time.
Yeah.
No, no!
Ah!
Just a minute.
No rush.
This is a bad time, is it?
No, no, I'm just getting ready for
We're filming the thing for Georgia.
- Oh, yeah. No, sure. Cool.
- Yeah, so I've just got to
- I'm coming home.
- What?
- When?
- Today. Now.
There's a car outside now.
But what about the rewrites?
Phoebe's going to do them.
- Right.
- It is funnier.
She's made it funnier.
That's good.
Well, you can't write women.
Yeah, you're not supposed to say that.
- You're not That's not
- But you can't.
How much of this have you changed,
this thing you're doing?
How much of what I wrote?
W-What have you changed?
Just the pronouns.
Hey! Hi, baby!
Hey, babe!
How are you? How'd it go?
Mm, yeah, really well, thanks.
How's the scene?
Yeah, it was really good.
Yeah?
- Anna and Lucy were very funny.
- Right.
I was hilarious, obviously.
- Possible spin-off?
- Well, never say never.
I don't think you've ever told me
what the scene was.
Well, it's a version of that scene
you did in series one,
where you're all talking over
each other,
only Anna's Michael, Lucy's Simon
and I'm you.
Ah!
- Yeah.
- People liked it, did they?
Yeah, it was really interesting,
actually.
Most people said that they preferred
it to the original.
- Did they?
- Mm.
- Most people?
- Across the board, actually.
- Right.
- Yeah.
And were these people
you would trust, or?
- Oh, with my life.
- Surprising, but
- Mm.
- OK, OK.
- And did you hit all your targets?
- We exceeded them.
Very good.
Where are you?
- I'm in the hotel room.
- Are you sat on a loo?
This is the only place the Wi-Fi
would work. Promise.
Sure, yeah. No, sure.
- It felt a bit odd, actually.
- What, on set?
Yeah, I felt nervous.
- Nervous?
- Yeah.
I know! That didn't used to happen.
No.
- I feel sort of flabby.
- Flabby?
Yeah. You know, intellectually flabby.
Yeah. I mean, not obviously
Like I couldn't remember quite
how to do it.
Oh.
That'll get better.
Bet Michael wouldn't have felt nervous.
I miss you, baby.
I miss you, too, baby.
Oh, it's Michael!
Aw, course it is.
Shall I let him in?
I'll let him in.
Be nice to see New York.
Hey, the big cheese in the Big Apple!
Hello!
That's not New York.
Oh, do you know, I've often
said that your husband
has the observational skills
of a pewter tankard.
And I have yet to disagree with you.
You're still at home!
God, there is no getting past you,
is there, Sherlock?
Is Anna still there, too?
- Oh, there she is. Anna!
- Hi, there.
Ooh, don't you look dandy?
Thank you.
It's only you letting the side down,
college boy.
Well, nobody told me there was
a fucking dress code, did they?
Are you in a toilet?
I am in the toilet because it's the
only place that the Wi-Fi works
in this crappy hotel room.
Is he always this cranky late
at night, Georgia?
Yeah, always.
- What happened to the wedding?
- All right, er
Say hello to New York.
Say hello to David.
Hello, David.
Yeah, I'm Michael's best friend.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Really?
Now, that kind of territorial approach
is going to get David
a wee bit ticked off.
Yeah.
Now, why don't you fuck off back
to your party and your new wife?
All right?
Say bye to everyone.
Bye!
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
So, you dialled in, in the end?
It seemed appropriate.
Did you do your speech?
He got a bit nervous.
- Oh, did you?
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- I was fine.
After two whiskies
and a packet of crisps.
Yes, well, we all have our methods,
don't we?
- What about Sweden?
- We are going tomorrow.
- Aw!
- Where are you?
I'm in Cardiff, ain't I?
- Oh, of course.
- Iechyd da!
- Of course you are. How was filming?
- Yeah, it's fine.
What about the, you know, flabbiness?
That was
It's not a conversation
we need to share.
I think we've gone past that.
I think we share everything.
I was cool as a cucumber,
and that's all you need to know.
So, listen, how far away am I?
W-What's the distance between
Cardiff and Port Talbot?
About 40 minutes.
Come on. Shall I come and visit?
- Now?
- Yeah, shall I come and visit?
- Nah.
- Oh, you grumpy bastards.
No, it's late. Come on.
I haven't seen you in months!
Yeah, and I know it's been very hard
for you, but
Oh, you're an infuriating human being.
- Oh, and you're a very rude person.
- I am not!
Just willy-nilly inviting yourself
round into people's houses.
It's not like that in Wales, David.
You're not in Scotland now.
Well, I am merely pointing out
that I'm in the vicinity.
Well, point made.
Thank you very much.
Nos da, goodnight.
Cheers.
Shove your leek up your arse.
Hi, baby!
Hi!
This is a lovely surprise.
Yeah, well, I mean, I want to say
it's because
- I missed you so much.
- Yeah.
But I just really needed to get away
from our kids.
No, sure. You brought this little one.
Yeah, I had to bring that one
otherwise my tits explode.
Of course. Is anyone looking after
the other kids, or?
No, I just left them on their own
with some stale bread
and some candlestick stumps.
- They'll be fine.
- Well, they're very resilient.
- They are, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Aw!
- I brought you a packed lunch.
Aren't you the perfect wife?
I am, kind of, yeah.
There's not actually anything in here.
No, well, Wales is a really long way.
Of course, yeah.
Yeah.
Do you want to make out?
I'd love to, unfortunately,
I am supposed to have been
- in make-up four minutes ago, so
- Oh, OK.
Well, I'll go home, then.
I mean, stay and chat for a bit.
OK.
- What do you want to talk about?
- Books.
- Books?
- Books. I want to talk about books.
Right. I don't historically have
a lot to say about books.
- OK, well, let's give it a go.
- Yeah.
- What was the last book that you read?
- Er, I don't know.
What was the last book
that you bought me?
- No idea.
- Cos I know I definitely
didn't read that one.
Excellent. Well, this is going well,
isn't it?
Ah!
- Oh, my
- Bloody useless!
It's the old man of Port Talbot.
We've been here for hours, posing.
Oh!
- Look at you, in the flesh!
- Here I am!
I can't believe it!
All the bloody, "Oh, I'm a listener,
to you, to me."
I mean, I was here for hours.
There's very little actual charisma,
though.
You sort of just disappear into a wall.
Can't hear you, sorry.
If you put your mask on, I'll wind
the window down.
Put your mask on, I'll wind
the window down.
- Ah!
- All right?
- There he is!
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Look at this!
I know.
How long have you got
before you've got to go to work?
Er, I'm meant to have been in
make-up eight minutes ago.
- Right.
- Yeah. When's your flight?
Er, yes!
All right. All right. All right.
We are, mm, yes, quite late already.
OK.
But, you know,
you wanted to work, didn't you?
You wanted to travel. Here we are.
I guess that worked out, then.
Look at you!
I can't hear through these things,
anyway.
No, don't worry. I'll
- Yeah, I'll
- All right.
- See you later.
- Lovely to see you, Georgia.
You, too, Michael.
- See you, Anna.
- Bye, Anna!
Bye.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
He looks like the Hobbit.
Ah, didn't record.
- Er
- Did it record here?
Did we even slate it?
- For fuck's sake!
- Have you turned it off yet?
I don't know, because
I pressed the button.
I don't know if I pressed it.
- Still running.
- Still running, OK.
So, this is an end slate.
That was 11.7-11-3.
Which we might not have any sound for.
We've got on there
and we've got it on here.
That's turned off.
Good luck.