Stan Against Evil (2016) s02e08 Episode Script
A Hard Night's Day
1 [Owl hooting.]
[Thunder rumbling.]
- Kevin: Over here! - Oh, my God.
Hey.
Wha Oh, my God.
Stan, what are you doing? What's it look like I'm doing? Well, why are you wearing your uniform? [Grunts.]
I got to go meet somebody.
And on your best day [Grunts.]
You wear your best suit.
[Shovel scrapes.]
[Thump.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
Evie: Ohh.
[Casket creaks open.]
What are Oh, don't.
I'm sorry, Claire.
I'm so sorry.
- Don't, don't, don't! - [Bones crack.]
- Ohh! - [Flesh squishing.]
Ohh, dude.
Damn it.
The minute you came back for me, I knew you were gonna try something like this! You should have said something.
You should have said something! Why didn't you tell me? Because this isn't your business.
I'm going to get Claire, and I didn't want you trying to talk me out of it like you're trying to talk me out of it right now.
Well, for good reason! What happened to Claire and what happened to me are entirely different! I wasn't supposed to be there! Claire died of natural causes! You are messing with nature! Nothing that has happened since Claire died has been natural.
Nothing.
What if it was your daughter? Or Or Or whoever you care most about in the whole world? Maybe Maybe that's not your daughter.
Maybe she gives you a pain in the tail.
No, she's all right.
Okay.
Terrific.
What if Grace was taken from you? You found a way to get her back.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Are you telling me that you'd let anything, anything stop you from going through that door? Of course, I wouldn't.
[Sighs.]
Stan.
If you go through that door, am I even gonna know you? No, I mean, if if Claire doesn't die, then you stay the Sheriff.
I don't know.
I mean, what am I gonna do? Am I just gonna poof back to my old life? Maybe.
Maybe you go to sleep and you wake up you wake up in your own bed.
I-I-I don't know how all this times out.
Hmm.
No.
[Sniffles.]
No, we're not gonna know each other.
Give me your hand.
What are you doing? [Thunder rumbles.]
[Chuckles.]
You go ahead and look me up if if you remember.
I think I'll remember.
Me, too.
Even if Even if it's just a constant nagging in the back of my brain.
Ah.
That'd be funny.
[Laughs.]
Stan! Go get her.
[Door creaks.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Birds chirping.]
[Sniffs.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Telephone rings.]
Sheriff's Department.
Deputy Drinkwater speaking.
Evie: [British accent.]
Yes, hello, old boy.
I was just wondering if you would tell me the name of the Sheriff you have working there.
Is it Stan Miller? Evie? Is that you? [Dial tone.]
Hmm.
[Telephone rings.]
- Deputy Drinkwa - Leon, it's Evie.
Hey, um [Sighs.]
Am I still the Sheriff? I think so.
Am I still the deputy? I guess.
Oh, good.
That explains this cop-like mustache.
- Huh.
- Bye.
Uh, bye.
[Click, dial tone.]
[Scoffs.]
I knew she'd snap eventually.
I can still smell that sandwich.
[Birds chirping.]
Hello, Evie.
Are you? [Chuckles.]
Did you need something, dear? Claire.
Claire.
Claire Miller.
[Chuckles softly.]
Uh Is Stan around? Sweetheart, Stan is dead.
He's been gone for a year now.
Right.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Uh, I'm I'm sorry, Evie.
I couldn't help noticing you've been standing on my porch for the last hour saying, "shit" over and over again.
Right.
I'm so sorry.
Why don't you come in? So, to sum up, uh, last year, you died, Stan got fired, I became sheriff, a bunch of other stuff happened.
Then Stan dug up your eyeballs and went through the time travel cabin to try to stop you from dying, which I guess was successful.
But now Stan's dead, and I do not know what to do.
Thoughts? [Chuckles.]
Oh, Evie, your job is so very difficult.
Well The stress must be enormous.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
I see what Oh, man, you can cut the bullshit, lady.
Mom, I just perfected "Diamond Dogs.
" Do you wanna hear? Oh, no, no! It's not a great time, Denise.
Why don't you Why don't you go upstairs and keep practicing "Diamond Dogs"? But I just perfected it.
Then learn "Suffragette City.
" Oh.
Okay.
[Footsteps fade.]
Oh, and you sit back down.
You're not going anywhere.
And if you think that you're gonna gaslight me after the year I just had I know about you.
I know what's in that sewing room upstairs, and I know that Stan What? Stan was not supposed to die last year.
You were.
You have a bad heart.
How did Stan die? It was late.
I was out.
I was running errands.
It was the bloom of the black flowers.
Yeah, I know.
Every year, five black flowers bloom in Willard's Mill, and if they're not destroyed Portal will open, and the Land Of the Dead shall corrupt the Land Of The Living.
For time without end.
See? I read that in your sewing room when Stan was alive and you were Okay.
I get it.
[Sighs.]
I had just reached the final flower when I heard shouting in the distance.
Galasum, benedictus [Stan screams.]
I knew it was Stan.
But I destroyed the flower.
Aah! I reached Stan just in time to see Ida Putnam, the guardian of the portal, kill him.
- [Body thuds.]
- No! - [Growls.]
- Stan! But you died of a heart attack.
Why didn't you still have a heart attack? Maybe by drawing Ida away from me, Stan changed the course of events.
I-I don't know.
You can't mess with time.
Well, I-I have to.
I'm sorry.
The plan was to save you, but Well Then you'll need this to kill Ida.
[Exhales sharply.]
You can do it.
Thank you.
Kevin: You know, the modern conception of cemeteries dates back to the early 1800s.
The states intervened and took the power of burial away from the churches.
Sorry.
I'm just practicing.
I've got a - Field trip coming through? - field trip coming through later.
Yeah.
Well, see, the church taught the theory of Predestination that everything is a part of God's plan, and if you're a serial killer, then great! That must be what God wanted.
[Sighs.]
What you're doing now, is this an act of your own free will or is it part of some much bigger plan and you're just a puppet? Because you know that whatever you're trying to do, it's not gonna turn out exactly the way you want it to.
And it kind of makes you wonder if it was ever your idea to begin with.
I got an idea.
Why don't you grab your shovel, jump on in here, help me dig up Stan, look the other way while I grab those eyeballs of his, and then, uh, you and I can fill this thing up lickety-split before those little kiddies come and have their nice day walking over dead people? [Shovel scrapes.]
Okay.
[Door creaks.]
[Tires screech.]
[Siren chirps.]
Damn it, Stan.
Where are you? Excuse me.
Not now, Leon.
That's a pretty authentic uniform, miss.
You mind telling me where you got it? That's right.
You don't know me yet.
Hello, officer.
No.
You called me Leon.
How do you know my name? I did? I don't remember that.
Well, I should be going.
No, you don't.
[Sighs.]
[Whispers.]
It's okay.
I know who you are and why you're here.
Wait.
You do? I do.
How else would you know my name? Why else would you be dressed like that? You're a stripper! I'm from the future.
[Laughs.]
What? Who hired you? Gordy? That son of a bitch.
- [Laughs.]
- No! Oh, let me guess.
You're really just a "student.
" Ugh! [Body thuds.]
- [Handcuffs click.]
- Wait.
First of all, I just want to apologize for hitting you.
Head down, please.
But I-I really am sorry.
[Sighs.]
Assaulting an officer while impersonating an officer.
That's a new one.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but we have to find Stan Miller.
Oh, I don't think we need to bother Sheriff Miller on this one.
If there's one thing Leon Drinkwater knows, it's how to handle an uncooperative stripper.
In fact, I Aah! Aah! Leon! [Hisses.]
Aah! Oh! Aah! No! No! - Aah! - [Body thuds.]
[Growls.]
Aah! Evening, officer.
[Head thuds.]
Aah! [Breathing heavily.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, Leon.
Leon, I'm sorry.
[Dog whining.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Um, this isn't as bad as it looks.
I'm not really a stripper.
It's just what he said.
That's illegal! Take me home, Pepper.
[Grunts.]
- [Blade scrapes.]
- Stan: Hey, there, pretty lady.
What are you doing out here all by your lonesome? Stanley.
What are What are you doing here? Not for nothing, but what are you sporting there? It's my cloak.
I didn't even know they made cloaks anymore.
W-Would you say there's a-a large market for cloaks, or are you the primary client? Can we talk about this later? I-I've got to Destroy this flower or a portal will open up, and the Land Of The Dead will Both: Corrupt the Land Of the Living for time without end.
Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? That you're the victim of a 400-year-old curse and it's my job to kill demons and keep you alive? I'd have told you.
Right away.
First date.
Oh.
Our first date.
Don't remind me.
What was wrong with our first date? Please.
You took me to "Dirty Harry.
" You love Clint Eastwood.
Oh.
I only said that to get you to like me.
[Laughs.]
I do like you.
I like you, too.
Come here.
That was some movie, though, huh? Hmm.
That and the orangutan movies, those those are those are his best work.
"Dirty Harry" should have had an orangutan.
That would have been mint.
[Ida growls in distance.]
W-Wait here, Stanley.
No.
Claire, you can't go.
There's something you don't know.
You've got a bum ticker.
N-No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
You do.
But we're gonna get it fixed.
I promise.
But in the meantime, you go ahead and stay here and deal with all this bullshit, and I'll go kill Crazy Whatshertits.
No, no.
Don't, Stanley.
She's dangerous.
If you're not careful, she'll kill you! Don't you believe it, sweetheart.
[Metallic thud.]
Aah! Galasum, benedictus [Stan screams in distance.]
Evening, officer.
[Grunting.]
Aah! Ohh! [Roars.]
[Screams.]
[Body thuds.]
That's That's your game? You become a giant and kick my ass? [Hisses.]
Pretty good game.
Not gonna lie to you.
Ida, sweetheart.
Claire! Claire! [Growling.]
Evie: Hey.
You're under arrest! I'm just kidding.
I'm not the Sheriff yet, so I don't have that authority.
But I can do this.
[Screeches.]
Claire: Stan.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Stan.
Oh, no.
Some things, you you just can't change.
I tried.
I tried so hard.
Of course, you did.
But we'll have our time again.
You promise? Do you want me to let you in on a little secret? Please.
When the minister says, "Till death do you part" Uh-huh.
Don't you believe it.
Claire.
Stan.
I'm I'm ready to go back now.
You okay? About as okay as I get.
[Brakes screech lightly.]
[Wind whistles.]
Leon? Leon! Anybody?! What do you suppose happened? The flower.
I never saw her destroy the final flower.
The portal opened.
And the Land Of the Dead shall corrupt the Land Of the Living for time without end.
My God.
[Paper thuds.]
We got to go back.
Oh! [Crackling.]
The cabin! Hello, Constable.
This is not good.
[Laughs.]
Oh, shit.
[Laugh echoes.]
[Thunder rumbling.]
- Kevin: Over here! - Oh, my God.
Hey.
Wha Oh, my God.
Stan, what are you doing? What's it look like I'm doing? Well, why are you wearing your uniform? [Grunts.]
I got to go meet somebody.
And on your best day [Grunts.]
You wear your best suit.
[Shovel scrapes.]
[Thump.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
Evie: Ohh.
[Casket creaks open.]
What are Oh, don't.
I'm sorry, Claire.
I'm so sorry.
- Don't, don't, don't! - [Bones crack.]
- Ohh! - [Flesh squishing.]
Ohh, dude.
Damn it.
The minute you came back for me, I knew you were gonna try something like this! You should have said something.
You should have said something! Why didn't you tell me? Because this isn't your business.
I'm going to get Claire, and I didn't want you trying to talk me out of it like you're trying to talk me out of it right now.
Well, for good reason! What happened to Claire and what happened to me are entirely different! I wasn't supposed to be there! Claire died of natural causes! You are messing with nature! Nothing that has happened since Claire died has been natural.
Nothing.
What if it was your daughter? Or Or Or whoever you care most about in the whole world? Maybe Maybe that's not your daughter.
Maybe she gives you a pain in the tail.
No, she's all right.
Okay.
Terrific.
What if Grace was taken from you? You found a way to get her back.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Are you telling me that you'd let anything, anything stop you from going through that door? Of course, I wouldn't.
[Sighs.]
Stan.
If you go through that door, am I even gonna know you? No, I mean, if if Claire doesn't die, then you stay the Sheriff.
I don't know.
I mean, what am I gonna do? Am I just gonna poof back to my old life? Maybe.
Maybe you go to sleep and you wake up you wake up in your own bed.
I-I-I don't know how all this times out.
Hmm.
No.
[Sniffles.]
No, we're not gonna know each other.
Give me your hand.
What are you doing? [Thunder rumbles.]
[Chuckles.]
You go ahead and look me up if if you remember.
I think I'll remember.
Me, too.
Even if Even if it's just a constant nagging in the back of my brain.
Ah.
That'd be funny.
[Laughs.]
Stan! Go get her.
[Door creaks.]
[Thunder rumbles.]
[Birds chirping.]
[Sniffs.]
[Exhales sharply.]
[Telephone rings.]
Sheriff's Department.
Deputy Drinkwater speaking.
Evie: [British accent.]
Yes, hello, old boy.
I was just wondering if you would tell me the name of the Sheriff you have working there.
Is it Stan Miller? Evie? Is that you? [Dial tone.]
Hmm.
[Telephone rings.]
- Deputy Drinkwa - Leon, it's Evie.
Hey, um [Sighs.]
Am I still the Sheriff? I think so.
Am I still the deputy? I guess.
Oh, good.
That explains this cop-like mustache.
- Huh.
- Bye.
Uh, bye.
[Click, dial tone.]
[Scoffs.]
I knew she'd snap eventually.
I can still smell that sandwich.
[Birds chirping.]
Hello, Evie.
Are you? [Chuckles.]
Did you need something, dear? Claire.
Claire.
Claire Miller.
[Chuckles softly.]
Uh Is Stan around? Sweetheart, Stan is dead.
He's been gone for a year now.
Right.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Uh, I'm I'm sorry, Evie.
I couldn't help noticing you've been standing on my porch for the last hour saying, "shit" over and over again.
Right.
I'm so sorry.
Why don't you come in? So, to sum up, uh, last year, you died, Stan got fired, I became sheriff, a bunch of other stuff happened.
Then Stan dug up your eyeballs and went through the time travel cabin to try to stop you from dying, which I guess was successful.
But now Stan's dead, and I do not know what to do.
Thoughts? [Chuckles.]
Oh, Evie, your job is so very difficult.
Well The stress must be enormous.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
I see what Oh, man, you can cut the bullshit, lady.
Mom, I just perfected "Diamond Dogs.
" Do you wanna hear? Oh, no, no! It's not a great time, Denise.
Why don't you Why don't you go upstairs and keep practicing "Diamond Dogs"? But I just perfected it.
Then learn "Suffragette City.
" Oh.
Okay.
[Footsteps fade.]
Oh, and you sit back down.
You're not going anywhere.
And if you think that you're gonna gaslight me after the year I just had I know about you.
I know what's in that sewing room upstairs, and I know that Stan What? Stan was not supposed to die last year.
You were.
You have a bad heart.
How did Stan die? It was late.
I was out.
I was running errands.
It was the bloom of the black flowers.
Yeah, I know.
Every year, five black flowers bloom in Willard's Mill, and if they're not destroyed Portal will open, and the Land Of the Dead shall corrupt the Land Of The Living.
For time without end.
See? I read that in your sewing room when Stan was alive and you were Okay.
I get it.
[Sighs.]
I had just reached the final flower when I heard shouting in the distance.
Galasum, benedictus [Stan screams.]
I knew it was Stan.
But I destroyed the flower.
Aah! I reached Stan just in time to see Ida Putnam, the guardian of the portal, kill him.
- [Body thuds.]
- No! - [Growls.]
- Stan! But you died of a heart attack.
Why didn't you still have a heart attack? Maybe by drawing Ida away from me, Stan changed the course of events.
I-I don't know.
You can't mess with time.
Well, I-I have to.
I'm sorry.
The plan was to save you, but Well Then you'll need this to kill Ida.
[Exhales sharply.]
You can do it.
Thank you.
Kevin: You know, the modern conception of cemeteries dates back to the early 1800s.
The states intervened and took the power of burial away from the churches.
Sorry.
I'm just practicing.
I've got a - Field trip coming through? - field trip coming through later.
Yeah.
Well, see, the church taught the theory of Predestination that everything is a part of God's plan, and if you're a serial killer, then great! That must be what God wanted.
[Sighs.]
What you're doing now, is this an act of your own free will or is it part of some much bigger plan and you're just a puppet? Because you know that whatever you're trying to do, it's not gonna turn out exactly the way you want it to.
And it kind of makes you wonder if it was ever your idea to begin with.
I got an idea.
Why don't you grab your shovel, jump on in here, help me dig up Stan, look the other way while I grab those eyeballs of his, and then, uh, you and I can fill this thing up lickety-split before those little kiddies come and have their nice day walking over dead people? [Shovel scrapes.]
Okay.
[Door creaks.]
[Tires screech.]
[Siren chirps.]
Damn it, Stan.
Where are you? Excuse me.
Not now, Leon.
That's a pretty authentic uniform, miss.
You mind telling me where you got it? That's right.
You don't know me yet.
Hello, officer.
No.
You called me Leon.
How do you know my name? I did? I don't remember that.
Well, I should be going.
No, you don't.
[Sighs.]
[Whispers.]
It's okay.
I know who you are and why you're here.
Wait.
You do? I do.
How else would you know my name? Why else would you be dressed like that? You're a stripper! I'm from the future.
[Laughs.]
What? Who hired you? Gordy? That son of a bitch.
- [Laughs.]
- No! Oh, let me guess.
You're really just a "student.
" Ugh! [Body thuds.]
- [Handcuffs click.]
- Wait.
First of all, I just want to apologize for hitting you.
Head down, please.
But I-I really am sorry.
[Sighs.]
Assaulting an officer while impersonating an officer.
That's a new one.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but we have to find Stan Miller.
Oh, I don't think we need to bother Sheriff Miller on this one.
If there's one thing Leon Drinkwater knows, it's how to handle an uncooperative stripper.
In fact, I Aah! Aah! Leon! [Hisses.]
Aah! Oh! Aah! No! No! - Aah! - [Body thuds.]
[Growls.]
Aah! Evening, officer.
[Head thuds.]
Aah! [Breathing heavily.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, Leon.
Leon, I'm sorry.
[Dog whining.]
[Exhales sharply.]
Um, this isn't as bad as it looks.
I'm not really a stripper.
It's just what he said.
That's illegal! Take me home, Pepper.
[Grunts.]
- [Blade scrapes.]
- Stan: Hey, there, pretty lady.
What are you doing out here all by your lonesome? Stanley.
What are What are you doing here? Not for nothing, but what are you sporting there? It's my cloak.
I didn't even know they made cloaks anymore.
W-Would you say there's a-a large market for cloaks, or are you the primary client? Can we talk about this later? I-I've got to Destroy this flower or a portal will open up, and the Land Of The Dead will Both: Corrupt the Land Of the Living for time without end.
Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? That you're the victim of a 400-year-old curse and it's my job to kill demons and keep you alive? I'd have told you.
Right away.
First date.
Oh.
Our first date.
Don't remind me.
What was wrong with our first date? Please.
You took me to "Dirty Harry.
" You love Clint Eastwood.
Oh.
I only said that to get you to like me.
[Laughs.]
I do like you.
I like you, too.
Come here.
That was some movie, though, huh? Hmm.
That and the orangutan movies, those those are those are his best work.
"Dirty Harry" should have had an orangutan.
That would have been mint.
[Ida growls in distance.]
W-Wait here, Stanley.
No.
Claire, you can't go.
There's something you don't know.
You've got a bum ticker.
N-No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
You do.
But we're gonna get it fixed.
I promise.
But in the meantime, you go ahead and stay here and deal with all this bullshit, and I'll go kill Crazy Whatshertits.
No, no.
Don't, Stanley.
She's dangerous.
If you're not careful, she'll kill you! Don't you believe it, sweetheart.
[Metallic thud.]
Aah! Galasum, benedictus [Stan screams in distance.]
Evening, officer.
[Grunting.]
Aah! Ohh! [Roars.]
[Screams.]
[Body thuds.]
That's That's your game? You become a giant and kick my ass? [Hisses.]
Pretty good game.
Not gonna lie to you.
Ida, sweetheart.
Claire! Claire! [Growling.]
Evie: Hey.
You're under arrest! I'm just kidding.
I'm not the Sheriff yet, so I don't have that authority.
But I can do this.
[Screeches.]
Claire: Stan.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Stan.
Oh, no.
Some things, you you just can't change.
I tried.
I tried so hard.
Of course, you did.
But we'll have our time again.
You promise? Do you want me to let you in on a little secret? Please.
When the minister says, "Till death do you part" Uh-huh.
Don't you believe it.
Claire.
Stan.
I'm I'm ready to go back now.
You okay? About as okay as I get.
[Brakes screech lightly.]
[Wind whistles.]
Leon? Leon! Anybody?! What do you suppose happened? The flower.
I never saw her destroy the final flower.
The portal opened.
And the Land Of the Dead shall corrupt the Land Of the Living for time without end.
My God.
[Paper thuds.]
We got to go back.
Oh! [Crackling.]
The cabin! Hello, Constable.
This is not good.
[Laughs.]
Oh, shit.
[Laugh echoes.]