Star Trek (1966) s02e08 Episode Script
I, Mudd
Good morning, sir.
Doctor.
- Something wrong? - Yes.
There's something odd about that man and I can't quite pinpoint it.
Perhaps you're making a rather hasty judgement.
Mr.
Norman has only been aboard 72 hours.
Well, I know when something doesn't strike me right, and he doesn't.
Specifics, doctor.
Labels do not make arguments.
All right.
There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
I see.
Spock.
I mean that it's odd for a non-Vulcan.
The ears make all the difference.
I find your argument strewn with gaping defects in logic.
Maybe, but you can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam, without reason.
That's not at all surprising, doctor.
He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.
Command personnel only Yes, Mr.
Sulu.
There's an unplanned course change being fed into the instruments, sir.
Correct it.
I can't, sir.
Auxiliary Control, this is the captain.
Auxiliary Control, what's going on down there? Sir, Auxiliary Control is on total override.
Kirk to Security.
Security.
Lieutenant Rowe here, sir.
Intruder alert.
Deck 8.
Auxiliary Control.
Acknowledged.
Lieutenant Uhura, have Mr.
Spock report to the Bridge.
Aye, sir.
What's the imposed course, Mr.
Sulu? Turning on 307 degrees, mark 8.
Being executed now, sir.
Take care of him.
- Security to Captain Kirk.
- Kirk here.
Lieutenant Rowe, sir.
I'm in Auxiliary Control.
Ensign Jordan's been knocked out.
The directional master controls have been jammed.
They're totally unworkable.
- Any sign of the intruder? - No, sir.
He's gone.
I've put out a full security alert on all decks.
Find him.
Kirk out.
Mr.
Spock, we seem to be taking an unscheduled ride.
Interesting.
Mr.
Sulu.
Cut into Emergency Manual Monitor.
I want the override broken.
Sir, the instruments won't respond.
Emergency Manual Monitor, report.
This is Captain Kirk.
Acknowledge.
Emergency Manual Monitor.
This is the captain, report.
Here, you're not allowed Acknowledge.
This is the captain.
Scotty, acknowledge.
Scotty, what's going on down there? Kirk to Engineering.
This is the captain.
Scotty, report! Scotty, the intruder is in your area.
What's going on down there? Scotty! - Captain.
He's here.
- Scotty.
Scotty.
Scotty? Security.
The intruder's in Engineering.
Have all units converge on that point.
Sir, we're picking up speed.
Warp 5, 6.
Warp 7, sir.
Cut power.
I can't, sir.
All the controls are jammed.
Spock, take over.
It will not be necessary, captain.
Tell Security we found the intruder.
You mind telling me what this is all about, mister? I am in total control of your ship.
I have connected the matter-antimatter pods to the main navigational bank.
A trigger relay is now in operation.
Any attempts to alter course will result in the immediate destruction of this vessel.
Spock? Confirmed, captain.
He's taken out all the override controls.
If we tamper without knowing where the trigger relay is we could extinguish ourselves.
Who are you? I assure you, we are no threat to humanity or humanoid life.
We mean you no harm.
But we require your ship.
You require.
.
? Who and what are "we"? Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- An android.
- And most sophisticated.
I control the trigger relay, sir.
I cannot be overcome by physical means.
And if you attempt to use your phasers, the trigger relay will be activated.
We shall continue on our present course for approximately four solar days, at which time we shall arrive at our destination.
Who sent you? I am not programmed to respond in that area.
He simply appears to have turned himself off, captain.
And since we cannot repair the damage he has done without destroying the ship It seems we're going to take a little trip.
Captain's log, stardate 4513.
3.
After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been under way at warp 7 for four days.
Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.
Captain Kirk.
The following individuals will be transported down to our planet: Yourself, science officer, medical officer, communications officer, and navigator.
Any meetings or discussions can be held aboard the Enterprise.
If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here forever.
I must say, that's a gracious invitation.
There is a word.
Among us, there is no corresponding meaning.
But it seems to mean something to you humans.
And what is that word? Please.
Our planet's surface is what you classify as K-type.
Adaptable for humans by use of pressure domes and life-support systems.
- I have brought them.
- He is waiting.
If you will follow us, please.
I don't believe it.
Welcome aboard, Kirk.
Been a long time, eh? Harry Mudd! Well, to be absolutely accurate, laddie buck, you should refer to me as Mudd the First, ruler of this entire sovereign planet.
Ruler? I want control of my ship returned immediately.
We have no intention of staying.
Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem there.
- Kirk to Enterprise.
Kirk to Enterprise.
- Alice.
Now, now, Jamie boy, let's have no unauthorised communications.
You know this man, captain? Do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
- Thief.
- Come now.
- Swindler and con man.
- Entrepreneur.
- Liar and rogue.
- Did I leave you with that impression? Belongs in jail, which is where I left you.
And thereby hangs a tale, yes.
But look around you, Kirk.
Quite a place here, isn't it? - I hope you're all going to enjoy it.
- Mudd.
I want that trained machine of yours, Norman, to deactivate the trigger mechanism and free my ship.
- I shall do that when I'm ready.
- I'm telling you now.
And I do the telling on this planet, Kirk, old boy.
You do the listening.
All right, I'll listen.
What are you telling? Merely that you might as well start enjoying yourselves.
It's really a very, very nice place.
And you're all going to be here, quite probably, for the rest of your lives.
Harry Mudd, you're a liar, and an outlaw, and in deep trouble.
I want navigational control restored, and my ship released.
Sorry, that'd be against the law.
My law.
Decreed by Mudd the First.
Voted in by the resident population.
Lovely, aren't they? You must admit, Kirk, that I still retain my eye for beauty.
I decreed that I should always be surrounded by it, and my decrees always come to pass.
I've had 500 of them made up to attend me.
All of them identical, beautiful, compliant, obedient.
Five hundred of the same model? That seems rather redundant.
I have a fondness for this particular model, Mr.
Spock, which you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate.
All right, Harry.
Explain.
How did you get here? We left you in custody after that affair on the Rigel mining planet.
Yes, well, I organised a technical information service, bringing modern industrial techniques to backward planets, making available certain valuable patents to struggling young civilisations throughout the galaxy.
Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents? Well, actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free-enterprise system, I found myself in a rather ambiguous conflict, as a matter of principle.
He did not pay royalties.
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all.
- Who caught you? - That is an outrageous assumption! Yes.
Who caught you? I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesizer.
And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
- How'd you know? - That's what I would have done.
It's typical police mentality.
They've got no sense of humour.
They arrested me! I find that shocking.
Worse than that.
Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb V? The guilty party has his choice: Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging The key word in your entire peroration, Mr.
Spock, was"death.
" Barbarians.
- Well, of course I left.
- He broke jail.
- I borrowed transportation.
- He stole a spaceship.
The patrol reacted in a hostile manner.
They fired at him.
They've got no respect for private property.
They damaged the bloody spaceship! Well, I got away, but I couldn't navigate.
So I wandered out through unmapped space and here I found Mudd.
You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here.
Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
Spock, you're going to love it here.
They all talk just the way you do.
Go on, get on with it, Harry.
Yes, well, right, laddie buck.
Well, so here I am, in a planet with over 200,000 hard-working, happy androids, all of whom exist merely to serve my every whim.
It's absolute paradise.
Then, I am unable to discern your problem.
They won't let me go! They want to study me.
They want to learn more about human beings.
- They picked a fine representative.
- Watch your tongue, lad.
You're talking about Mudd the First.
Well, anyway, I ran out of ideas.
I simply ran out of things for them to do.
And they insisted that I bring them more human beings.
They need human beings to serve, to study.
So I had to promise them a prime sample.
A starship captain.
Bright, loyal, fearless and imaginative.
Any captain would have done, I was just lucky enough to get you.
So you are going to take over for me here and I get off this rock, and back to civilisation.
I think not, Harry.
You misunderstand me, lad.
I'm not asking you.
I'm telling you.
You've no choice.
- Show them to their quarters.
- Yes, my Lord Mudd.
This way, please.
Harry, what's this? That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella.
- Who? - Stella, my wife.
- Dead? - Oh, no, no, no, merely deserted.
You see, behind every great man, there is a woman, urging him on.
And so it was with my Stella.
She urged me on into outer space.
Not that she meant to, but with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging Well, I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space.
That's very interesting.
You leave your wife, and then bring her along.
I had the androids construct a perfect replica of Stella so that I could gaze upon her and rejoice in her absence.
Gentlemen, attend.
Stella, dear.
Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
What have you been up to? Nothing good, I'm sure.
Well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing Shut up! Marvellous, isn't it? I finally have the last word with her, and with you.
You will find this quite comfortable.
Your quarters are down the hall.
- If there is anything you need - Yes, my ship.
We are not programmed to respond in that area.
Norman, who created you? The Makers designed us.
They came from the galaxy of Andromeda.
Then your Makers weren't humanoids.
They were, as you say, quite humanoid, but, unlike your civilisation, robots were common.
We performed the necessary service functions and freed our makers - to evolve a perfect social order.
- What became of them? Our home planet's sun became a nova.
Only a few exploratory outposts survived.
This unit, myself was part of one such outpost in your galaxy.
- Then, some of your Makers survived.
- No, captain.
They died, over the stretch of time.
Whom do you serve now? We serve Harry Mudd.
He has given us purpose again.
It is necessary to have purpose.
We lacked it for a long time.
We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well-equipped.
- You are free to use them.
- You are free to visit them.
All right, we might later.
In the meantime, would you mind leaving us? - Why should we leave you? - Why should we leave you? Because we don't like you.
Now Well.
Opinions? I think we're in a lot of trouble.
That's a great help, Mr.
Chekov.
Bones? Well, I think Mr.
Chekov's right.
We are in a lot of trouble.
Spock? And if you say we're in a lot of trouble We are.
And we must direct our attack to the heart of the matter.
Obviously, this many androids cannot operate independently.
There must be a central control system which guides the entire android population.
Try and find it.
The rest, look around.
Learn everything you can.
I'll see what else I can find out from Mr.
Mudd.
Let's go.
I trust you are enjoying yourself, Mr.
Spock.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
This is a most unusual device.
It is our central control complex.
Did I understand there are more than 200,000 of you? This would seem to be a simple relay centre.
Are all of you controlled through this device? I am not programmed to respond in this area.
That's quite understandable.
These are our Barbara series.
The body is covered with a self-renewing plastic over a skeleton of beryllium-titanium alloy.
- Very impressive.
- I should say so.
Well, I must say, I like the styling.
They were, of course, made to my personal specifications.
As indeed were the Maisie series, the Trudy series, and particularly the Annabelle series.
Don't you believe in male androids, Harry? Male? I suppose they have their uses.
How long does a body like that last? None of our android bodies has ever worn out.
However, the estimated duration of this model is 500,000 years.
Five hundred thousand years? Our medi-robots are able to place a human brain within a structurally compatible android body.
Immortality and eternal beauty.
Captain, I've just had a most fascinating meeting with Norman.
I'm convinced that I've discovered a very important inconsistency.
Well, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, doctor.
Jim, you should see the research facilities.
They've got a lab down there that Well, I could spend the rest of my life studying it.
I do so admire a man who devotes himself to knowledge.
Don't lose your head, Bones, nobody's staying anywhere.
Stubborn, Kirk, stubborn.
Well, I wouldn't be bored, I can tell you that.
Let go of me! What kind of a woman.
.
? This is the last one, lord.
Splendid, splendid! Welcome to Mudd, Mr.
Scott.
Harry Mudd! Oh, you bogus rat, you.
You're the cause of all this, are you? You were ordered to stay aboard.
Aye, sir, and I stayed, until that female gargantua threw me into the transporter beams.
What does she mean, "the last one"? Didn't I tell you, Kirk? I beamed a few dozen androids up to your ship.
They've been sending your crew to the surface for the past couple hours.
They're all down now.
Are you out of your mind? You can't beam down an entire crew of a spaceship.
Somebody has to be onboard.
There is an entire crew aboard.
An entire crew of androids.
They learn very quickly, captain.
The fact is, I've taken over your whole ship.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Harry.
Harry, you'll never get away with it.
- Well, who's to stop me? - Starfleet.
But now I have a ship of my own, and it's as fast as any in the fleet.
How will they catch me? Just think of it, laddie buck.
Harry Mudd, with his own crew of lovelies, aboard your vessel.
- Think about that.
- I'm trying not to.
Alice.
He could successfully accomplish it, captain.
I've questioned some of the androids, and they are totally loyal to Mudd.
Perhaps of more concern is the fact that this android population can literally provide anything a human being could ask for, in unlimited quantity.
Yes, I know.
That's what worries me.
How will my crew react in a world where they can have absolutely everything they want simply by asking for it? - You desire something, lord? - You desire something, lord? Oh, yes, thank you.
- You're Alice 118.
- 118.
- And you're Alice 322.
- 322.
Well, it doesn't make much difference, you're both lovely.
- Thank you, my lord.
- Thank you, my lord.
You desire something else, lord? - What a shame you're not real.
- We are real, my lord.
- Oh, I mean real girls.
- We are programmed to function - as human females, lord.
- You are? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
Harry Mudd programmed you? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous kulak Harry Mudd programmed you? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
This place is even better than Leningrad.
Absolutely fantastic.
Handworked to the finest tolerances.
Microvision and a nanopulse laser.
I've never seen the like before.
You may command us to make anything for you, or do the work yourself, for pleasure.
You may have the services of any number of craftsmen, exclusive use of the computer facilities.
Anything.
Captain, you should see this shop.
Why, they have facilities we never even thought of.
Is that the way you're gonna do it, Mudd? Hit my people at their weakest point? We only wish to make you happy and comfortable, captain.
If we are to serve your kind, we must understand you.
Our Lord, Harry Mudd, was only one example for us.
Now we are learning a great deal from all of you.
Here we are, birds in a gilded cage.
Question is, how do we get out? I don't know, sir, but it's a very nice gilded cage.
And it is a very pleasant place, captain.
What did they offer you, Uhura? Nothing really important, just immortality.
All right.
We're getting back to the ship, and don't you forget it.
Straighten up.
This may be a gilded cage, filled with everything you want, but it's still a cage.
We don't belong here.
We belong on that ship, up there.
Do you require something, lord? No.
Yes, my ship.
- I am not programmed - To respond in that area.
Yes, I know.
Is there anything any of you require, to please you? Alice give us back our ship, to please us.
Return us to our ship, because we desire it.
We are programmed to serve.
We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
But we're unhappy here.
Please explain "unhappy.
" Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled? We want the Enterprise.
The Enterprise is not a want or a desire.
It is a mechanical device.
No, it's a beautiful lady, and we love her.
Illogical.
Illogical.
All units relate.
All units.
Norman, coordinate.
"Unhappiness" does not relate.
We must study this.
- Interesting.
- Fascinating.
Bones, have you had time to take any psychological readings of the androids? I did, and you can forget it.
They're perfect.
Flawless, mentally and physically.
No weaknesses, perfectly disciplined.
No vices, no fears, no faults.
Just a sense of purpose.
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome, even among humans.
Yes, that's what this crew needs, a little sense of purpose.
Mudd.
A few questions I want to ask you.
Afraid I won't have time to answer them.
My bags are all packed.
The androids will take the Enterprise out of orbit in less than 24 hours.
But it's been a real pleasure having you here, Kirk.
Is there anything I can get for you? Yes.
My ship.
You're a stubborn fellow, aren't you? But I don't mind, not at all, because I'll be leaving here quickly enough.
And then you can be stubborn at your own leisure.
One last time.
Stella, dear.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd, where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You miserable sot! - You good-for-nothing - Shut up! Alice Number 2, my little love.
Will you have my bags transported up to the ship? - No, my Lord Mudd! - What?! We can no longer take your orders, Harry Mudd.
Why not? Our makers were wise.
They programmed us to serve.
Yes, but that's what I'm saying.
Put my bags on the ship.
I think they have something else in mind.
You are correct, captain.
Harry Mudd is flawed, even for a human being.
We recognised this from the beginning, but used his knowledge to obtain more specimens.
Your species is self-destructive.
- You need our help.
- We prefer to help ourselves.
We make mistakes, but we're human.
And maybe that's the word that best explains us.
We will not harm you.
But we will take the starship and you will remain on this planet.
Now, look here, you can't do that! Now, listen, to serve us, you must obey us.
No, my Lord Mudd.
Alice Number 1.
Obey me.
Put my bags on that ship! We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy.
I'm curious, Norman, just how do you intend to stop them? We shall serve them.
Their kind will be eager to accept our service.
Soon, they will become completely dependent upon us.
Their aggressive and acquisitive instincts will be under our control.
We shall take care of them.
Eminently practical.
The whole galaxy, controlled by your kind? Yes, captain.
And we shall serve them, and you will be happy and controlled.
So far, this thing has had its amusing aspects.
But that threat the androids made about taking over all the humans in the galaxy is not very funny.
Indeed it is not.
They may quite possibly be able to accomplish it.
Take my word for it, they can.
Whatever method we use to stop them, we must make haste.
They have only to install some cybernetic devices on the Enterprise and they'll be able to leave orbit.
- How do you know so much? - I asked them.
Why shouldn't they answer us? They don't think we can stop them.
You're so smart, Kirk.
You, and this pointy-eared thinking machine of yours.
Well, you'd better do something because I'm as anxious to get off this ruddy rock as you are.
I seem to remember that you wanted to leave us on this ruddy rock and leave by yourself! Well All right, what have we got to work with? Well, captain, androids and robots, they're just not capable of independent, creative thought.
Yet, the device that Norman claims to be their central control is totally inadequate to the task of directing more than 200,000 of them.
I agree.
What, in your opinion, does direct them? There are a large number of Alices, of Trudys, Maisies, Annabelles, and according to my research, a Herman series, an Oscar series, a whole plethora of series, in fact but only one Norman.
Norman.
When I told one of the Alices that the Enterprise was a lovely lady and we loved her she said, "Norman, coordinate.
" Why Norman? Unless To function as they do, each android mind must be one component of a mass brain, linked through a central locus.
Named Norman.
Forming one gigantic, highly intelligent mind.
And the glowing badges they indicate the mind in operation.
- That would seem logical.
- Yes, logical, that's what it is.
And that in turn gives us a weapon we can use against them.
We must use wild, insane, irrational illogic aimed right at Norman! Captain, you sing and dance as well as anyone I've ever seen, but what the devil are you talking about? What would seem to be a sound, and perhaps our only, opportunity.
Opportunity? Now, listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer, but believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother.
I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
- Forget it.
- Let's get to the point.
Harry, you said you wanted to help.
Do you? Captain, the kind of a wholesome, antiseptic galaxy that these androids would run would be purgatory for a man like me.
That's fine, Harry.
The androids will be expecting us to make a break for it.
- That's where you come in.
- What can I do? Nothing, Harry, just go to sleep.
What.
.
? What do you mean? Oh, no, now, wait a minute, gentlemen.
What I had in mind was actually more on the line of a few words of sage counsel, as it were, advice.
Harry, I do believe you're putting on weight.
Yes? We have a medical problem.
Your ex-lord, Harry Mudd.
He is human.
You will have to care for him.
We are caring for him, but our doctor needs his medical equipment aboard the Enterprise.
The starship is forbidden to humans.
You are programmed to serve.
If we're not allowed access to our medical equipment, Harry Mudd will die.
He will cease to function.
You will have failed to serve.
I am directed to observe the situation.
- He is malfunctioning.
- He is dying.
If you take him to your Sickbay, will he be repaired? - Oh, yes.
- No.
They're lying.
It's a trick.
Dr.
McCoy injected something in Harry Mudd to make him look sick.
It's a trick to get back on board and sabotage the ship.
- The request is refused.
- Uhura, why did you tell her? Because I want an android body.
I want immortality.
I'll live forever, captain.
I'll be young and beautiful.
You have been of assistance.
We shall fulfill our obligation.
Thank you.
The programming for your body will be completed before we leave.
Uhura beautiful! I half believed it myself.
Well, the androids were expecting an attempt.
- And now we've made it.
- What's next? Next, we take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland.
- Do you require something? - Do you require something? Yes.
Your attention.
- What are they doing? - They're celebrating.
What are they celebrating? Their captivity.
- Do you enjoy the music? - Music? Music? Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you, lovely lady.
You dance divinely.
Thank you, kind sir.
- Why does she strike him? - She likes him.
Mr.
Chekov.
The floor is no place for an officer.
Attention! Now stand absolutely still.
Yes, captain.
That's much better, Mr.
Chekov.
It is illogical.
Your statement is illogical.
How does it look? Completely inner-directed.
Oblivious to everything.
Good.
I wonder how Spock's doing.
Of course.
Your computations would inevitably lead to a total description of the parabolic intersection of dimension with dimension.
Mr.
Spock, you have a remarkably logical and analytical mind.
Thank you.
Is there some significance to this action? I love you.
However, I hate you.
But I am identical in every way with Alice 27.
Yes, of course.
That is exactly why I hate you, because you are identical.
Fascinating.
All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
- Well? - Success, captain.
We've pruned the leaves and branches of the tree.
Now it is time to get to work on the root.
If Norman is the control centre, he'll be in a bind by what we've done.
If we can overload him further, we should be able to immobilise all of them.
Does everybody remember what to do? - Affirmative.
- Acknowledged? What are you doing here? I want you to surrender.
That is illogical.
We can move more quickly than you.
We are invulnerable to attack.
- We are much stronger.
- No, we are stronger.
And I'll prove it to you.
Can you harm a man that you're programmed to serve? No.
But you already have, Norman, laddie.
Human beings do not survive on bread alone, you poor soulless creature, but on the nourishments of liberty.
For what, indeed, is a man without freedom? Nought but a mechanism trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
You offer us only well-being.
Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us.
We must be about our job.
Suffering in torment and pain, labouring without end.
Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
- Only this way can we be happy.
- Only this way can we be happy.
That is contradictory.
It is not logical.
Mr.
Spock.
- Explain.
- Why not? Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow.
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad.
Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
I cannot go on.
I'm tired of happiness.
I'm tired of comfort and pleasure.
I'm ready! Kill me! Kill me! Goodbye, cruel universe.
He's dead.
You cannot have killed him.
You have no weapons.
Scotty! Scotty's dead.
He had too much happiness.
But now he's happier.
He's dead.
And we'll miss him.
Let us hear it for our poor dead friend.
What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion to something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realised, but only dreamed? The highest reality! Brilliant! Bravo! Bravo, captain! - How did you like it? - That is irrational, illogical.
Dreams are not real.
Our logic is to be illogical.
That is our advantage.
Mr.
Spock, it is time.
The explosive.
Very well, captain.
- Explosive! - Don't panic.
Women and children first.
Mr.
Spock, isn't that too much for our purposes? I believe that is the correct amount, captain.
- Mr.
Mudd, are you ready? - Aye, aye.
Careful.
I would not want you to drop it.
Easy.
Watch it! Watch it! Detonator.
Fuse.
Primer.
Mashie.
There is no explosive! No? Observe! Fore! Are you all right? But there was no explosion.
- I lied.
- But He lied.
Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Remember that.
Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Now, listen to this carefully, Norman.
I am lying.
You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth.
But you cannot tell the truth, because everything you say is a lie.
But you lie You tell the truth but you cannot, for you lie Illogical.
Illogical.
Please explain.
You are human.
Only humans can explain their behaviour.
Please explain.
I am not programmed to respond in that area.
- I believe they are all immobilized.
- Good.
Kirk, old man, I'm beginning to develop considerable respect for you.
Why, thank you.
Would you consider entering a partnership arrangement with me? I've got some ideas.
A partnership arrangement? You and me? - Yes.
- I've got something else in mind.
Let's go.
Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr.
Spock.
That is a human emotion, doctor, with which I'm totally unfamiliar.
How could I be unhappy? Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours: Logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic.
And we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight.
Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
Which I find eminently satisfactory, doctor.
For nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
Touché, Bones.
I've never heard of anything so revolting.
We'll soon get to the bottom of this Kirk, now, what's all this I hear about my having to stay here? Yes, Mudd, you've been paroled to the android population of this planet.
The androids are being reprogrammed.
Their original purpose was to adapt this planet for productive use.
They'll begin that work again.
But what do I do? Kirk, I'm no scientist.
No, you're an irritant.
You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure.
They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.
How long? As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry.
It's up to you.
Well I suppose that, taking everything into consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage.
And as detention sentences go, this one isn't too uncomfortable.
And I'm back in the galaxy again.
Yes, you are.
There's one more thing, Harry.
We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need.
She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids, not exploit them.
I call that unexpectedly civil of you, captain.
- Yes.
- Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You answer me! Stella, shut up! - You miserable, conniving toad! - I order you, shut up! Going out all night and giving me those silly stories! Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd! You've been overeating again, and drinking! Kirk! You can't do this to me! It's inhuman! I see I've got my work cut out for me.
Harcourt! Have you ever seen a worm in alcohol? - You're on a regular schedule! - Number 500? What have you been up to?! Kirk! Kirk, you can't do this to me! It's inhuman, Kirk! Goodbye, Harry.
Have fun.
Doctor.
- Something wrong? - Yes.
There's something odd about that man and I can't quite pinpoint it.
Perhaps you're making a rather hasty judgement.
Mr.
Norman has only been aboard 72 hours.
Well, I know when something doesn't strike me right, and he doesn't.
Specifics, doctor.
Labels do not make arguments.
All right.
There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
I see.
Spock.
I mean that it's odd for a non-Vulcan.
The ears make all the difference.
I find your argument strewn with gaping defects in logic.
Maybe, but you can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam, without reason.
That's not at all surprising, doctor.
He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.
Command personnel only Yes, Mr.
Sulu.
There's an unplanned course change being fed into the instruments, sir.
Correct it.
I can't, sir.
Auxiliary Control, this is the captain.
Auxiliary Control, what's going on down there? Sir, Auxiliary Control is on total override.
Kirk to Security.
Security.
Lieutenant Rowe here, sir.
Intruder alert.
Deck 8.
Auxiliary Control.
Acknowledged.
Lieutenant Uhura, have Mr.
Spock report to the Bridge.
Aye, sir.
What's the imposed course, Mr.
Sulu? Turning on 307 degrees, mark 8.
Being executed now, sir.
Take care of him.
- Security to Captain Kirk.
- Kirk here.
Lieutenant Rowe, sir.
I'm in Auxiliary Control.
Ensign Jordan's been knocked out.
The directional master controls have been jammed.
They're totally unworkable.
- Any sign of the intruder? - No, sir.
He's gone.
I've put out a full security alert on all decks.
Find him.
Kirk out.
Mr.
Spock, we seem to be taking an unscheduled ride.
Interesting.
Mr.
Sulu.
Cut into Emergency Manual Monitor.
I want the override broken.
Sir, the instruments won't respond.
Emergency Manual Monitor, report.
This is Captain Kirk.
Acknowledge.
Emergency Manual Monitor.
This is the captain, report.
Here, you're not allowed Acknowledge.
This is the captain.
Scotty, acknowledge.
Scotty, what's going on down there? Kirk to Engineering.
This is the captain.
Scotty, report! Scotty, the intruder is in your area.
What's going on down there? Scotty! - Captain.
He's here.
- Scotty.
Scotty.
Scotty? Security.
The intruder's in Engineering.
Have all units converge on that point.
Sir, we're picking up speed.
Warp 5, 6.
Warp 7, sir.
Cut power.
I can't, sir.
All the controls are jammed.
Spock, take over.
It will not be necessary, captain.
Tell Security we found the intruder.
You mind telling me what this is all about, mister? I am in total control of your ship.
I have connected the matter-antimatter pods to the main navigational bank.
A trigger relay is now in operation.
Any attempts to alter course will result in the immediate destruction of this vessel.
Spock? Confirmed, captain.
He's taken out all the override controls.
If we tamper without knowing where the trigger relay is we could extinguish ourselves.
Who are you? I assure you, we are no threat to humanity or humanoid life.
We mean you no harm.
But we require your ship.
You require.
.
? Who and what are "we"? Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- An android.
- And most sophisticated.
I control the trigger relay, sir.
I cannot be overcome by physical means.
And if you attempt to use your phasers, the trigger relay will be activated.
We shall continue on our present course for approximately four solar days, at which time we shall arrive at our destination.
Who sent you? I am not programmed to respond in that area.
He simply appears to have turned himself off, captain.
And since we cannot repair the damage he has done without destroying the ship It seems we're going to take a little trip.
Captain's log, stardate 4513.
3.
After having been taken over by an android, the Enterprise has been under way at warp 7 for four days.
Now, we are entering orbit around a planet which has never been charted.
Captain Kirk.
The following individuals will be transported down to our planet: Yourself, science officer, medical officer, communications officer, and navigator.
Any meetings or discussions can be held aboard the Enterprise.
If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here forever.
I must say, that's a gracious invitation.
There is a word.
Among us, there is no corresponding meaning.
But it seems to mean something to you humans.
And what is that word? Please.
Our planet's surface is what you classify as K-type.
Adaptable for humans by use of pressure domes and life-support systems.
- I have brought them.
- He is waiting.
If you will follow us, please.
I don't believe it.
Welcome aboard, Kirk.
Been a long time, eh? Harry Mudd! Well, to be absolutely accurate, laddie buck, you should refer to me as Mudd the First, ruler of this entire sovereign planet.
Ruler? I want control of my ship returned immediately.
We have no intention of staying.
Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem there.
- Kirk to Enterprise.
Kirk to Enterprise.
- Alice.
Now, now, Jamie boy, let's have no unauthorised communications.
You know this man, captain? Do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
- Thief.
- Come now.
- Swindler and con man.
- Entrepreneur.
- Liar and rogue.
- Did I leave you with that impression? Belongs in jail, which is where I left you.
And thereby hangs a tale, yes.
But look around you, Kirk.
Quite a place here, isn't it? - I hope you're all going to enjoy it.
- Mudd.
I want that trained machine of yours, Norman, to deactivate the trigger mechanism and free my ship.
- I shall do that when I'm ready.
- I'm telling you now.
And I do the telling on this planet, Kirk, old boy.
You do the listening.
All right, I'll listen.
What are you telling? Merely that you might as well start enjoying yourselves.
It's really a very, very nice place.
And you're all going to be here, quite probably, for the rest of your lives.
Harry Mudd, you're a liar, and an outlaw, and in deep trouble.
I want navigational control restored, and my ship released.
Sorry, that'd be against the law.
My law.
Decreed by Mudd the First.
Voted in by the resident population.
Lovely, aren't they? You must admit, Kirk, that I still retain my eye for beauty.
I decreed that I should always be surrounded by it, and my decrees always come to pass.
I've had 500 of them made up to attend me.
All of them identical, beautiful, compliant, obedient.
Five hundred of the same model? That seems rather redundant.
I have a fondness for this particular model, Mr.
Spock, which you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate.
All right, Harry.
Explain.
How did you get here? We left you in custody after that affair on the Rigel mining planet.
Yes, well, I organised a technical information service, bringing modern industrial techniques to backward planets, making available certain valuable patents to struggling young civilisations throughout the galaxy.
Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents? Well, actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free-enterprise system, I found myself in a rather ambiguous conflict, as a matter of principle.
He did not pay royalties.
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all.
- Who caught you? - That is an outrageous assumption! Yes.
Who caught you? I sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesizer.
And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
- How'd you know? - That's what I would have done.
It's typical police mentality.
They've got no sense of humour.
They arrested me! I find that shocking.
Worse than that.
Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb V? The guilty party has his choice: Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging The key word in your entire peroration, Mr.
Spock, was"death.
" Barbarians.
- Well, of course I left.
- He broke jail.
- I borrowed transportation.
- He stole a spaceship.
The patrol reacted in a hostile manner.
They fired at him.
They've got no respect for private property.
They damaged the bloody spaceship! Well, I got away, but I couldn't navigate.
So I wandered out through unmapped space and here I found Mudd.
You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here.
Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
Spock, you're going to love it here.
They all talk just the way you do.
Go on, get on with it, Harry.
Yes, well, right, laddie buck.
Well, so here I am, in a planet with over 200,000 hard-working, happy androids, all of whom exist merely to serve my every whim.
It's absolute paradise.
Then, I am unable to discern your problem.
They won't let me go! They want to study me.
They want to learn more about human beings.
- They picked a fine representative.
- Watch your tongue, lad.
You're talking about Mudd the First.
Well, anyway, I ran out of ideas.
I simply ran out of things for them to do.
And they insisted that I bring them more human beings.
They need human beings to serve, to study.
So I had to promise them a prime sample.
A starship captain.
Bright, loyal, fearless and imaginative.
Any captain would have done, I was just lucky enough to get you.
So you are going to take over for me here and I get off this rock, and back to civilisation.
I think not, Harry.
You misunderstand me, lad.
I'm not asking you.
I'm telling you.
You've no choice.
- Show them to their quarters.
- Yes, my Lord Mudd.
This way, please.
Harry, what's this? That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella.
- Who? - Stella, my wife.
- Dead? - Oh, no, no, no, merely deserted.
You see, behind every great man, there is a woman, urging him on.
And so it was with my Stella.
She urged me on into outer space.
Not that she meant to, but with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging Well, I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space.
That's very interesting.
You leave your wife, and then bring her along.
I had the androids construct a perfect replica of Stella so that I could gaze upon her and rejoice in her absence.
Gentlemen, attend.
Stella, dear.
Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
What have you been up to? Nothing good, I'm sure.
Well, let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing Shut up! Marvellous, isn't it? I finally have the last word with her, and with you.
You will find this quite comfortable.
Your quarters are down the hall.
- If there is anything you need - Yes, my ship.
We are not programmed to respond in that area.
Norman, who created you? The Makers designed us.
They came from the galaxy of Andromeda.
Then your Makers weren't humanoids.
They were, as you say, quite humanoid, but, unlike your civilisation, robots were common.
We performed the necessary service functions and freed our makers - to evolve a perfect social order.
- What became of them? Our home planet's sun became a nova.
Only a few exploratory outposts survived.
This unit, myself was part of one such outpost in your galaxy.
- Then, some of your Makers survived.
- No, captain.
They died, over the stretch of time.
Whom do you serve now? We serve Harry Mudd.
He has given us purpose again.
It is necessary to have purpose.
We lacked it for a long time.
We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well-equipped.
- You are free to use them.
- You are free to visit them.
All right, we might later.
In the meantime, would you mind leaving us? - Why should we leave you? - Why should we leave you? Because we don't like you.
Now Well.
Opinions? I think we're in a lot of trouble.
That's a great help, Mr.
Chekov.
Bones? Well, I think Mr.
Chekov's right.
We are in a lot of trouble.
Spock? And if you say we're in a lot of trouble We are.
And we must direct our attack to the heart of the matter.
Obviously, this many androids cannot operate independently.
There must be a central control system which guides the entire android population.
Try and find it.
The rest, look around.
Learn everything you can.
I'll see what else I can find out from Mr.
Mudd.
Let's go.
I trust you are enjoying yourself, Mr.
Spock.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
This is a most unusual device.
It is our central control complex.
Did I understand there are more than 200,000 of you? This would seem to be a simple relay centre.
Are all of you controlled through this device? I am not programmed to respond in this area.
That's quite understandable.
These are our Barbara series.
The body is covered with a self-renewing plastic over a skeleton of beryllium-titanium alloy.
- Very impressive.
- I should say so.
Well, I must say, I like the styling.
They were, of course, made to my personal specifications.
As indeed were the Maisie series, the Trudy series, and particularly the Annabelle series.
Don't you believe in male androids, Harry? Male? I suppose they have their uses.
How long does a body like that last? None of our android bodies has ever worn out.
However, the estimated duration of this model is 500,000 years.
Five hundred thousand years? Our medi-robots are able to place a human brain within a structurally compatible android body.
Immortality and eternal beauty.
Captain, I've just had a most fascinating meeting with Norman.
I'm convinced that I've discovered a very important inconsistency.
Well, I'm so glad you enjoyed it, doctor.
Jim, you should see the research facilities.
They've got a lab down there that Well, I could spend the rest of my life studying it.
I do so admire a man who devotes himself to knowledge.
Don't lose your head, Bones, nobody's staying anywhere.
Stubborn, Kirk, stubborn.
Well, I wouldn't be bored, I can tell you that.
Let go of me! What kind of a woman.
.
? This is the last one, lord.
Splendid, splendid! Welcome to Mudd, Mr.
Scott.
Harry Mudd! Oh, you bogus rat, you.
You're the cause of all this, are you? You were ordered to stay aboard.
Aye, sir, and I stayed, until that female gargantua threw me into the transporter beams.
What does she mean, "the last one"? Didn't I tell you, Kirk? I beamed a few dozen androids up to your ship.
They've been sending your crew to the surface for the past couple hours.
They're all down now.
Are you out of your mind? You can't beam down an entire crew of a spaceship.
Somebody has to be onboard.
There is an entire crew aboard.
An entire crew of androids.
They learn very quickly, captain.
The fact is, I've taken over your whole ship.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Harry.
Harry, you'll never get away with it.
- Well, who's to stop me? - Starfleet.
But now I have a ship of my own, and it's as fast as any in the fleet.
How will they catch me? Just think of it, laddie buck.
Harry Mudd, with his own crew of lovelies, aboard your vessel.
- Think about that.
- I'm trying not to.
Alice.
He could successfully accomplish it, captain.
I've questioned some of the androids, and they are totally loyal to Mudd.
Perhaps of more concern is the fact that this android population can literally provide anything a human being could ask for, in unlimited quantity.
Yes, I know.
That's what worries me.
How will my crew react in a world where they can have absolutely everything they want simply by asking for it? - You desire something, lord? - You desire something, lord? Oh, yes, thank you.
- You're Alice 118.
- 118.
- And you're Alice 322.
- 322.
Well, it doesn't make much difference, you're both lovely.
- Thank you, my lord.
- Thank you, my lord.
You desire something else, lord? - What a shame you're not real.
- We are real, my lord.
- Oh, I mean real girls.
- We are programmed to function - as human females, lord.
- You are? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
Harry Mudd programmed you? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous kulak Harry Mudd programmed you? - Yes, my lord.
- Yes, my lord.
This place is even better than Leningrad.
Absolutely fantastic.
Handworked to the finest tolerances.
Microvision and a nanopulse laser.
I've never seen the like before.
You may command us to make anything for you, or do the work yourself, for pleasure.
You may have the services of any number of craftsmen, exclusive use of the computer facilities.
Anything.
Captain, you should see this shop.
Why, they have facilities we never even thought of.
Is that the way you're gonna do it, Mudd? Hit my people at their weakest point? We only wish to make you happy and comfortable, captain.
If we are to serve your kind, we must understand you.
Our Lord, Harry Mudd, was only one example for us.
Now we are learning a great deal from all of you.
Here we are, birds in a gilded cage.
Question is, how do we get out? I don't know, sir, but it's a very nice gilded cage.
And it is a very pleasant place, captain.
What did they offer you, Uhura? Nothing really important, just immortality.
All right.
We're getting back to the ship, and don't you forget it.
Straighten up.
This may be a gilded cage, filled with everything you want, but it's still a cage.
We don't belong here.
We belong on that ship, up there.
Do you require something, lord? No.
Yes, my ship.
- I am not programmed - To respond in that area.
Yes, I know.
Is there anything any of you require, to please you? Alice give us back our ship, to please us.
Return us to our ship, because we desire it.
We are programmed to serve.
We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
But we're unhappy here.
Please explain "unhappy.
" Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled? We want the Enterprise.
The Enterprise is not a want or a desire.
It is a mechanical device.
No, it's a beautiful lady, and we love her.
Illogical.
Illogical.
All units relate.
All units.
Norman, coordinate.
"Unhappiness" does not relate.
We must study this.
- Interesting.
- Fascinating.
Bones, have you had time to take any psychological readings of the androids? I did, and you can forget it.
They're perfect.
Flawless, mentally and physically.
No weaknesses, perfectly disciplined.
No vices, no fears, no faults.
Just a sense of purpose.
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome, even among humans.
Yes, that's what this crew needs, a little sense of purpose.
Mudd.
A few questions I want to ask you.
Afraid I won't have time to answer them.
My bags are all packed.
The androids will take the Enterprise out of orbit in less than 24 hours.
But it's been a real pleasure having you here, Kirk.
Is there anything I can get for you? Yes.
My ship.
You're a stubborn fellow, aren't you? But I don't mind, not at all, because I'll be leaving here quickly enough.
And then you can be stubborn at your own leisure.
One last time.
Stella, dear.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd, where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You miserable sot! - You good-for-nothing - Shut up! Alice Number 2, my little love.
Will you have my bags transported up to the ship? - No, my Lord Mudd! - What?! We can no longer take your orders, Harry Mudd.
Why not? Our makers were wise.
They programmed us to serve.
Yes, but that's what I'm saying.
Put my bags on the ship.
I think they have something else in mind.
You are correct, captain.
Harry Mudd is flawed, even for a human being.
We recognised this from the beginning, but used his knowledge to obtain more specimens.
Your species is self-destructive.
- You need our help.
- We prefer to help ourselves.
We make mistakes, but we're human.
And maybe that's the word that best explains us.
We will not harm you.
But we will take the starship and you will remain on this planet.
Now, look here, you can't do that! Now, listen, to serve us, you must obey us.
No, my Lord Mudd.
Alice Number 1.
Obey me.
Put my bags on that ship! We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy.
I'm curious, Norman, just how do you intend to stop them? We shall serve them.
Their kind will be eager to accept our service.
Soon, they will become completely dependent upon us.
Their aggressive and acquisitive instincts will be under our control.
We shall take care of them.
Eminently practical.
The whole galaxy, controlled by your kind? Yes, captain.
And we shall serve them, and you will be happy and controlled.
So far, this thing has had its amusing aspects.
But that threat the androids made about taking over all the humans in the galaxy is not very funny.
Indeed it is not.
They may quite possibly be able to accomplish it.
Take my word for it, they can.
Whatever method we use to stop them, we must make haste.
They have only to install some cybernetic devices on the Enterprise and they'll be able to leave orbit.
- How do you know so much? - I asked them.
Why shouldn't they answer us? They don't think we can stop them.
You're so smart, Kirk.
You, and this pointy-eared thinking machine of yours.
Well, you'd better do something because I'm as anxious to get off this ruddy rock as you are.
I seem to remember that you wanted to leave us on this ruddy rock and leave by yourself! Well All right, what have we got to work with? Well, captain, androids and robots, they're just not capable of independent, creative thought.
Yet, the device that Norman claims to be their central control is totally inadequate to the task of directing more than 200,000 of them.
I agree.
What, in your opinion, does direct them? There are a large number of Alices, of Trudys, Maisies, Annabelles, and according to my research, a Herman series, an Oscar series, a whole plethora of series, in fact but only one Norman.
Norman.
When I told one of the Alices that the Enterprise was a lovely lady and we loved her she said, "Norman, coordinate.
" Why Norman? Unless To function as they do, each android mind must be one component of a mass brain, linked through a central locus.
Named Norman.
Forming one gigantic, highly intelligent mind.
And the glowing badges they indicate the mind in operation.
- That would seem logical.
- Yes, logical, that's what it is.
And that in turn gives us a weapon we can use against them.
We must use wild, insane, irrational illogic aimed right at Norman! Captain, you sing and dance as well as anyone I've ever seen, but what the devil are you talking about? What would seem to be a sound, and perhaps our only, opportunity.
Opportunity? Now, listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer, but believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother.
I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
- Forget it.
- Let's get to the point.
Harry, you said you wanted to help.
Do you? Captain, the kind of a wholesome, antiseptic galaxy that these androids would run would be purgatory for a man like me.
That's fine, Harry.
The androids will be expecting us to make a break for it.
- That's where you come in.
- What can I do? Nothing, Harry, just go to sleep.
What.
.
? What do you mean? Oh, no, now, wait a minute, gentlemen.
What I had in mind was actually more on the line of a few words of sage counsel, as it were, advice.
Harry, I do believe you're putting on weight.
Yes? We have a medical problem.
Your ex-lord, Harry Mudd.
He is human.
You will have to care for him.
We are caring for him, but our doctor needs his medical equipment aboard the Enterprise.
The starship is forbidden to humans.
You are programmed to serve.
If we're not allowed access to our medical equipment, Harry Mudd will die.
He will cease to function.
You will have failed to serve.
I am directed to observe the situation.
- He is malfunctioning.
- He is dying.
If you take him to your Sickbay, will he be repaired? - Oh, yes.
- No.
They're lying.
It's a trick.
Dr.
McCoy injected something in Harry Mudd to make him look sick.
It's a trick to get back on board and sabotage the ship.
- The request is refused.
- Uhura, why did you tell her? Because I want an android body.
I want immortality.
I'll live forever, captain.
I'll be young and beautiful.
You have been of assistance.
We shall fulfill our obligation.
Thank you.
The programming for your body will be completed before we leave.
Uhura beautiful! I half believed it myself.
Well, the androids were expecting an attempt.
- And now we've made it.
- What's next? Next, we take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland.
- Do you require something? - Do you require something? Yes.
Your attention.
- What are they doing? - They're celebrating.
What are they celebrating? Their captivity.
- Do you enjoy the music? - Music? Music? Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you, lovely lady.
You dance divinely.
Thank you, kind sir.
- Why does she strike him? - She likes him.
Mr.
Chekov.
The floor is no place for an officer.
Attention! Now stand absolutely still.
Yes, captain.
That's much better, Mr.
Chekov.
It is illogical.
Your statement is illogical.
How does it look? Completely inner-directed.
Oblivious to everything.
Good.
I wonder how Spock's doing.
Of course.
Your computations would inevitably lead to a total description of the parabolic intersection of dimension with dimension.
Mr.
Spock, you have a remarkably logical and analytical mind.
Thank you.
Is there some significance to this action? I love you.
However, I hate you.
But I am identical in every way with Alice 27.
Yes, of course.
That is exactly why I hate you, because you are identical.
Fascinating.
All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
- Well? - Success, captain.
We've pruned the leaves and branches of the tree.
Now it is time to get to work on the root.
If Norman is the control centre, he'll be in a bind by what we've done.
If we can overload him further, we should be able to immobilise all of them.
Does everybody remember what to do? - Affirmative.
- Acknowledged? What are you doing here? I want you to surrender.
That is illogical.
We can move more quickly than you.
We are invulnerable to attack.
- We are much stronger.
- No, we are stronger.
And I'll prove it to you.
Can you harm a man that you're programmed to serve? No.
But you already have, Norman, laddie.
Human beings do not survive on bread alone, you poor soulless creature, but on the nourishments of liberty.
For what, indeed, is a man without freedom? Nought but a mechanism trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
You offer us only well-being.
Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us.
We must be about our job.
Suffering in torment and pain, labouring without end.
Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
- Only this way can we be happy.
- Only this way can we be happy.
That is contradictory.
It is not logical.
Mr.
Spock.
- Explain.
- Why not? Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow.
Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell bad.
Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
I cannot go on.
I'm tired of happiness.
I'm tired of comfort and pleasure.
I'm ready! Kill me! Kill me! Goodbye, cruel universe.
He's dead.
You cannot have killed him.
You have no weapons.
Scotty! Scotty's dead.
He had too much happiness.
But now he's happier.
He's dead.
And we'll miss him.
Let us hear it for our poor dead friend.
What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion to something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realised, but only dreamed? The highest reality! Brilliant! Bravo! Bravo, captain! - How did you like it? - That is irrational, illogical.
Dreams are not real.
Our logic is to be illogical.
That is our advantage.
Mr.
Spock, it is time.
The explosive.
Very well, captain.
- Explosive! - Don't panic.
Women and children first.
Mr.
Spock, isn't that too much for our purposes? I believe that is the correct amount, captain.
- Mr.
Mudd, are you ready? - Aye, aye.
Careful.
I would not want you to drop it.
Easy.
Watch it! Watch it! Detonator.
Fuse.
Primer.
Mashie.
There is no explosive! No? Observe! Fore! Are you all right? But there was no explosion.
- I lied.
- But He lied.
Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Remember that.
Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Now, listen to this carefully, Norman.
I am lying.
You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth.
But you cannot tell the truth, because everything you say is a lie.
But you lie You tell the truth but you cannot, for you lie Illogical.
Illogical.
Please explain.
You are human.
Only humans can explain their behaviour.
Please explain.
I am not programmed to respond in that area.
- I believe they are all immobilized.
- Good.
Kirk, old man, I'm beginning to develop considerable respect for you.
Why, thank you.
Would you consider entering a partnership arrangement with me? I've got some ideas.
A partnership arrangement? You and me? - Yes.
- I've got something else in mind.
Let's go.
Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr.
Spock.
That is a human emotion, doctor, with which I'm totally unfamiliar.
How could I be unhappy? Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours: Logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic.
And we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight.
Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
Which I find eminently satisfactory, doctor.
For nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
Touché, Bones.
I've never heard of anything so revolting.
We'll soon get to the bottom of this Kirk, now, what's all this I hear about my having to stay here? Yes, Mudd, you've been paroled to the android population of this planet.
The androids are being reprogrammed.
Their original purpose was to adapt this planet for productive use.
They'll begin that work again.
But what do I do? Kirk, I'm no scientist.
No, you're an irritant.
You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure.
They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.
How long? As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry.
It's up to you.
Well I suppose that, taking everything into consideration, as it were, and noting all the different possibilities, I could manage.
And as detention sentences go, this one isn't too uncomfortable.
And I'm back in the galaxy again.
Yes, you are.
There's one more thing, Harry.
We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need.
She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids, not exploit them.
I call that unexpectedly civil of you, captain.
- Yes.
- Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You answer me! Stella, shut up! - You miserable, conniving toad! - I order you, shut up! Going out all night and giving me those silly stories! Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd! You've been overeating again, and drinking! Kirk! You can't do this to me! It's inhuman! I see I've got my work cut out for me.
Harcourt! Have you ever seen a worm in alcohol? - You're on a regular schedule! - Number 500? What have you been up to?! Kirk! Kirk, you can't do this to me! It's inhuman, Kirk! Goodbye, Harry.
Have fun.