Taxi (1978) s02e08 Episode Script

( theme music playing ) LOUIE: Okay, listen up here! Listen up, everybody.
I'm upstairs getting chewed out by the boss because of your lousy bookings.
Now, I don't want to embarrass anybody but Nardo, $41.
Hmm? Banta, $52.
When I was a driver, I was ashamed to show my face in the garage if I had less than a hundred dollars.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What I wouldn't give for a garage full of Louie De Palmas.
Hey, Louie, do us a favor.
Don't give us that speech about how great a driver you were.
Please.
What are you, embarrassed, Banta? You should be ashamed to be in the same garage with me.
I'm ashamed to be in the same species with you.
Funny, Nardo.
What I need are cab drivers.
What I got are a bunch of Jan Murrays.
I could get in this cab right now and outbook anybody.
Sure, Louie, if you say so.
You don't think so, Wheeler? Uh, as a matter of fact, I don't.
Then try me.
Call my bluff.
Okay, you're on.
You want a showdown, then a showdown you're gonna get if it's the only thing that's gonna shut your mouth.
Man-to-man, one-on-one, you against Alex.
Hey, he's our best booker, right? And I say he can outbook you anytime anywhere.
Hey, Bob, Bob Alex, can you stay out of this, please? Now, if you're not gonna accept the challenge, then you'd better shut your mouth about how good you are.
Get that finger out of my face.
No.
( screaming ) That's my hand! My hand! Uh, now now that we've all calmed down a little, can I say something here, huh? Look, I don't like saying this in front of him, but, uh, well, I was here when Louie was a driver and, uh, well, he's telling the truth about how good he was.
He brought in a lot of money.
I think we better put this to music.
Hey, Alex, hey, you can't back down.
I really believe you can beat him.
Look, it's not a matter of beating him.
I-I-I just don't like the idea, that's all.
This is our chance to humiliate the little creep.
I like that idea.
No, no, look I forget it.
Rieger's got more brains than to tangle with De Palma.
I don't blame him for chickening out.
Now, Louie! Now, don't start on this, Louie! I get involved with things like this, I, uh, go a little crazy, and I don't like myself like that.
Hey, Louie, Louie, look.
Can I talk to you for a minute? I, uh Look, Louie, I-I've never tried to talk to you man-to-man before, but, uh, or even as a human being, but let me try right now.
Look, uh it-it's taken me a long time to, uh, get over competitiveness in my life and, well, I think I finally did it and, uh well, I like it that way, you understand? And, uh okay? So let's just-let's just forget this, all right? Huh? All right, Alex.
I understand.
Thanks, Louie.
( Louie clucks like chicken ) ( clucking ) ( clucking continues ) LOUIE: Hey, any eggs in here, Jeff? No.
( clucking ) There're a lot of chickens around.
Louie! Louie! You cluck one more time, just one more time, I'm going to take you up on that silly little contest, and I'll beat you, Lou.
( clucking loudly over P.
A.
) ( clucking ) ( clucking ) You're on! Great! Okay, tomorrow night, Alex versus Louie for the driving championship of the garage-- King Cabbie! ( cheering ) Tomorrow night? What's wrong with tonight? If we're doing this thing, let's do it right now.
The sooner the better, Rieger.
All right.
Jeff, fetch my badge.
( cheering ) Latka! Are these two cabs ready to go out? Yes, they are, Louie.
Ibida! Ibida.
All right.
I know this is the biggest bet I ever made in my life, but I think my friend, Alex, will win.
I got a hundred bucks says Alex beats you.
I'll cover that.
You got it.
Anybody else here want to prove they're as dumb as Banta? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right, I'll cover it all.
Jeff, collect that money.
All right I'm going to do this thing in style.
Feast your eyes on a money-making machine.
Okay, I'm ready! All right.
The winner's the guy who brings in the most money in eight hours.
Right, right.
What are the rules? There are no rules.
Makes it hard to cheat.
( growls ) Good luck, Alex.
Thanks, Elaine.
I-I just know you're gonna win.
You know, if I had any extra money, man, I'd bet on you.
Aw, thanks.
I'll cover that.
No, Louie, I don't have any extra money this week.
My rent's due, and I gotta You got something better than money, Nardo-- your self-respect.
Let's say you and I make a little side wager: if I win this contest, we go out together.
Oh never.
Never, never, never, never, never, never.
Good luck, Alex.
Hold on, Nardo.
Let's talk turkey here.
Uh, let's hear it.
Uh, what's a date with you worth? Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred dollars? Mm-hmm.
The best date of my life only cost me 20.
And that included the room and the closed-circuit TV.
I knew that would shut him up.
You're on.
Shall we shake on it? ( bell dinging ) Okay, gentlemen, start your engines.
LOUIE: Nardo! My colors.
( yells ) ( engines starting ) Okay, now, is everybody ready? Yeah, ready, ready.
Okay-- Alex? Ready when you are, Latka.
Okay.
On your mark get set one for the money two for the show one potato, two potato Latka, we're running out of gas here! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Go! ( cheering ) BOBBY ( over radio ): Alex, Alex.
Louie just got his eighth fare.
Eight fares in one hour? Eight fares in one cab.
How you doing? You know how I'm doing.
I had one fare, and the guy stiffed me.
Uh-oh, oh, I think I see somebody.
Let's go, girls.
Where are we going? Hello there.
Hi.
Where to? We're going to the movies.
Could you be a little bit more specific? Oh, well, we haven't decided what movie to see yet.
I wanted to see The Muppet Movie.
Perfect choice.
I can't stand that little frog.
I want to go to a revival of, uh, The Sound of Music.
One of my favorites-- Sound of Music.
We've seen it 12 times.
No, no.
You can't see that one too many times.
Look, uh, please, uh, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm in kind of a hurry tonight, so can you make your decision, please? You got to pick last time.
And I made an excellent choice.
So, what? ALEX: Girls, girls, girls, come on.
Nuns, nuns, Sisters, Sisters Look, now, Sisters, look, I'm a nice guy, I really am, and I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow, but I'm trying to win a contest here tonight, and I-I would really wish Would you get out of my cab? Get out of the cab, please.
No, please, both of you.
Get out of the cab.
Please, out! What am I doing? I'm turning into Louie De Palma here.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Get back in, get back in.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I lost my head.
Uh, please, forgive me.
That's all right.
Look, uh, please, I-I'll take you anywhere you want to go.
Just tell me, where do you want to go? Your choice.
Well, anywhere but The Sound of Music.
What's wrong with The Sound of Music? I do not want to see that movie Pick a movie! Muppets! Muppets! Muppets.
Hey, everybody, I just broke 40 bucks.
BOBBY: Louie just topped a hundred.
Hundred bucks? Wow.
Hi, there, where you going? ( speaking Chinese) Oh, no, no, excuse me, no, please, um Wait a second, now, um English? Do you speak English? Eng-li-shi? Oh! ( chuckles ) ( speaking Chinese) No, no, no, no.
( loudly ): Where do you want to go? Why am I talking so loud? ( speaking Chinese ) No, no, that's Chinese.
I only speak Oh, oh, that's- that's clever.
Okay, I know where that is.
Good.
( speaking Chinese ) ( mutters in Chinese ) ( speaking Chinese ) Oh, my God.
Hey, don't you listen to Karl Malden? ( speaking Chinese ) No, no, no.
Look, look, I don't need this much money.
I-I You don't know that, do you? I could take everything you got.
Wow! There's more money here than I need.
More to I could beat a whole herd of Louies.
Hey, uh, you don't mind if I rob you blind, cheat you of all your money, and, uh, make you penniless, do you? ( speaking Chinese) ALEX: Elaine, hello? ELAINE ( sleepily ): Yes, Alex.
Oh, listen, I think I need your help.
I, uh, have a Chinese gentleman in my cab who doesn't speak a word of English, and I think he's just in from Hong Kong, and he's a little confused about our currency.
I mean, he's trying to give me what looks like to go on a two-mile trip.
ELAINE ( over radio ): All right! Well, I guess it's a tough choice.
Oh, uh Here we are, sir.
That's where you want to go.
Well, uh that about covers it, I guess.
( speaking Chinese ) Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, thank you very much, no.
I don't want No, please ( speaking Chinese ) No, no, sir.
Look, no, no, I can't take that.
No, no, no, sir, I can't I can't even take this.
Look, uh, you, uh I take you on short ride.
You give me much money for short ride.
Now I'm talking like Tonto.
Tonto-- Hi-ho, Silver! No, no I I can't take it.
I can't take it.
Here, that's for you.
This is enough.
This is for me, see? Just five-- five bucks.
Oh ( speaking Chinese) Yeah.
ELAINE: Alex? Yeah, Elaine? You didn't take the money, did you? No, I didn't, Elaine.
But I did learn something about myself tonight, Elaine.
No matter how competitive I might be, when it comes right down to it, there's a quality in me that prevails over everything, let me tell you.
Your stupidity.
You got it.
( humming ) MAN: Hey, driver.
Oh, yeah.
That's the U.
N.
Oh, so it is.
This is the second time we've passed it.
I didn't want you to miss it.
You're trying to run up this fare.
You're crazy.
No, I'm not.
I'm Inspector Ryan, New York Taxi Commission.
Pull it over.
I'm writing you out a summons, mister.
Let me see your hack license.
There! Is that your full name-- Tony Banta? Yeah.
Hey, this sure doesn't look like your picture.
It was taken when I was sick and stupid.
I didn't see any ID from you big guy.
Here you are.
Are these your kids? Yep.
Reminds me of a chimp act I once saw.
You know, I'm going to see to it that you never drive a cab in this city again.
( mutters mockingly ) In fact, I'm going to confiscate your license.
Eh.
Now, get this hack right back in the garage, Banta.
Give my regards, and a banana, to your family.
You know, I'm going to love seeing you hung out to dry, wise guy.
Bobby Wheeler, reporting for duty.
BOBBY: Alex: $106.
40! De Palma: $147.
Look, Alex, you've only got another hour and you're way behind.
ALEX: Oh, now I'm being hailed down by a little old lady with eight bags of groceries.
Oh, no, Alex, she'll take forever.
You-you'll have to carry her bags and she'll only want to go a couple of blocks.
Aw, forget it-- this contest is over.
Besides, she's waving her vegetables at me.
I'm afraid I've got lots of bags.
Yeah, I'm afraid you do, too.
That's all right.
I'll-I'll load your I'll load your groceries for you.
I hope this won't put you out.
Not at all.
Here you go.
These groceries are for my friends.
They can't get around as well as I.
Ah-hah.
Now, that one is for Ethel, who lives in the Bronx.
Bronx, huh? Mm-hmm.
And those are for Cora who lives in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn, huh? Mm-hmm.
And that's for Virginia out on Long Island.
Long Island? Mm-hmm.
And who is this for? Oh, those are mine.
And where do you live? I live in New Jersey.
New Jersey?! I hope you have a lot of gas.
Well, if I run out, I'll push.
( laughs ) LOUIE: It can't be.
It is.
The De Palma luck strikes again.
Mm.
Just one thing could make this perfect.
This is my first time in New York.
That's it.
Um ( clears throat ) It'll be $22.
50, please.
No, it's not.
What are you talking about? I've been counting the clicks on the meter.
Clicks? It now reads exactly six dollars.
You're a very dishonest person.
I think I'd better warn you-- I happen to be a very big, muscular guy.
Then you must be talking out of your belly button.
Here's your six dollars.
You got a lot of nerve calling yourself handicapped! BOBBY: Okay, Alex, Louie, time's up.
Bring 'em in.
What's with her? She hasn't said a word in three hours.
Okay, Jeff, Louie's total is $212.
30.
( cabbies murmuring ) Ooh! Well, Elaine You don't mind me calling you Elaine? Don't think I can't be tender.
Sure, I play the tough guy sometimes but I think you'll find that underneath I can be warm and thrilling.
And, yes a little vulnerable.
Would it spoil this moment for you if I threw up? Hey, Louie, you haven't won yet, you know.
Come on, count this up.
Ooh, yeah.
Oh, oh, Tony, lie if you have to.
One ninety-seven.
( shouts happily ) ( humming ) * He wins, he wins! Nyah! Hey, listen, folks, I'm sorry.
I, uh, I did my best.
I Nyah! Hey, Alex.
Hey, Alex, you did great, man, and I'll tell you I think you're taking this loss really well.
Thanks, Tony.
Get your hands off me.
Hey, what's that? My tips.
Well, uh, uh, don't tips count? I don't know.
Hey, we said the guy who brings in the most money wins and tips are money.
Oh, that's right! I-I've seen them.
I know that for a fact-- it's money.
LOUIE: Oh, no.
No, no.
Tips don't count! It's what's on the meter that counts.
We never said tips don't count, Louie.
We never said they do, either.
Hey, hey, listen, if I'd have thought for a second that tips counted, I could've pulled in more than Admit it, Louie, You must be more nauseating on the road than you are in the garage.
Okay, I got ( cheering ) I got you beat, Louie! No, no, no! No, Rieger, tips don't count! ( all yelling at once ) Hold it! ( whistling loudly ) Hold it! Now, listen, we all got something at stake here, right? Now, the only fair thing to do is get, like, an objective bystander you know, to-to settle the question.
Somebody who didn't bet on the race.
LOUIE: Everybody bet on this race.
Tips don't count.
Not everybody.
You want a bite? Latka.
Latka who loves me.
That's right.
Latka who fears me.
Right.
Latka who owes his job to me.
Yes.
Good, old, impartial Latka.
Now, hold it right there, Louie.
You can't threaten Latka's job.
Now, look, I'm willing to let Latka decide, and I'll stand by it, but if you put this kind of pressure on him, this whole fiasco's off, you understand? Okay, Latka.
( grunts softly ) No no no pressure.
Decide away.
Come on, Latka, is it Alex or Louie? Be impartial, Latka.
Impartial.
Okay.
Well I tell you I tell you something.
You know, I I do love Louie.
And Louie loves Latka.
Thank you very much.
And I, also, I do love Alex, too.
And Alex loves Latka.
Yeah, she's right.
Thank you very much.
You know, this this is a wonderful place to work.
Thank you very much.
Get over here! And decide! Decide what? About about the contest! Oh.
Why, what is the question? Do tips count? Oh, of course they do.
( cheering ) ( taunting Louie ) All right, all right listen up here.
Okay, listen up here for a second.
I just want to say one thing.
I hope you all die.
( theme music playing ) WOMAN: Night, Mr.
Walters.
( grunts )