Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanation ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
- Mom, I gotta say,
you're such a good cook.
This Count Chocula's amazing.
- Aw, thanks, buddy.
- Really tasty.
The way you put
the milk in and--
- You gotta get that milk
in just right
at the right temperature
to get the water brown.
- Hey!
- Hey.
- Good morning, Uncle Bill.
- Listen, thanks
for letting me crash
in your attic.
I had a great time.
But I gotta get the fuck
out of here.
Take care.
- Wait, Bill--
- Where are you going?
- I realized
that New Jersey--
uh, what's the word--
sucks, so I'm moving
back to Boston.
- Oh.
- Even this part,
talking to you, sucks.
I gotta get out of here.
- What?
- Wow.
- Anyway, my apartment,
it doesn't allow dogs.
So I wanna give you Bill Jr
as a parting gift.
Here you go.
- No, no, no.
- Yeah, no,
he already loves you.
Look at him.
- We can't have a dog, dude.
I lead a very hectic lifestyle.
- Hectic?
You're the only person
I know who's less busy than me.
- Yeah, it's not hectic.
- I'm an unemployed ball boy.
This is the most you've done
all week, talk to me.
Take the dog, come on.
- Come on,
he seems like a good boy.
[dog snarling]
- Nah. This is not gonna
go down like that.
That sounds like a lot of work.
- Oh, it's easy.
You walk him
about 12 times a day.
- 12?
- Never leave him alone.
Do not leave him alone.
He'll piss on your pillow.
- Oh.
- He gets very violent
when you make eye contact.
- Violent like he--
- And, uh,
he only eats leftovers
from Sizzler.
- That's too much--
too many Sizzler outings.
- That's not my problem.
He's your dog now, guys.
You already said yes.
Have fun, Billy.
- Bill, don't leave.
- Bill.
- I gotta go.
- Bill, stop.
- Oh, before I forget,
I didn't know
the bathroom situation
in the house,
so I've just been
shitting in the attic.
See ya later.
- Oh, my God.
- He wasn't a great
houseguest, was he?
- No, Tom, he wasn't.
[cheerful music]
[bell jingles]
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Sorry, hold up.
- What's wrong?
- You can't bring a dog
in here.
No dogs allowed.
- Oh, no, no.
This is Bill Jr.
He's a--he's a good boy.
[dog snarling]
- He's a good boy?
That's your comeback?
- Trust me,
he won't piss on anything.
He's not gonna chew the legs
off the tables or--
- Okay, the quickness
with which
you said those things
made me feel like
he's definitely gonna
piss on the table
and chew off the legs, so for
sure that dog can't come in.
- Oh, come on,
you gotta let me in.
I know everyone in there.
Oh, there--hey, Nelson.
- Tom, what's up, man?
What you doing?
- Oh, the hostess
is out of control.
- Really?
- She won't let Bill Jr in.
- When'd you get a dog?
- Today.
It was kind of
a spontaneous thing.
Why don't I just
get out of here.
- Nah, you could
just drop him off
and come back.
- Nah, actually, it's--
he can't be left alone.
Plus, I have to feed him
dinner.
Then I have to give him a bath,
and I have to clip his nails.
Then I have to give him
his medicine and--
- Man, you went from, like,
ten to 40 years old real fast.
You're basically
a single dad now.
- Nah, I'm still young
and loose
and fun, same as ever.
- Well, it was good
knowing you.
- What? Where are you going?
- It was nice meeting you,
Bill Jr.
- Can I say something?
For a host,
you have an off-putting
personality.
- Do I?
- Eh, it's just kind of mean.
- Yeah.
Call me in seven years
when you have your first job.
He's curr--he's--
- All right,
now he is, now he is.
- Yeah.
- Get that dog out of here.
- Hey, Tom.
- Oh, bad news, guys.
You can't go in.
No dogs allowed.
- Tom, I can do
whatever the fuck I want
'cause she's a therapy dog.
- Therapy dog?
What does that mean?
- Uh, my mom has
a medical condition--
wink, wink, air quotes.
- You want me to wink or
you're saying the word "wink"?
I'm lost.
- You know what, you're such
a little nimrod,
you really are.
- Excuse me?
- Just get your dog
certified as a service animal,
and then you can
take him anywhere.
- No, I don't wanna lie.
I don't have
a medical disorder.
- Tom, I want you to take this
the right way.
- Okay.
- But you are
a walking medical disorder.
- That's--that's insulting.
- Why don't you call my guy,
and he'll totally hook you up.
- Thank you.
- Dakota, I'm heading in,
'cause, you know,
I can take about two seconds
of this drivel.
- Wait, did your mom just do
something nice for me?
- Oh, no.
Her therapist wants her
to start doing
one nice thing every day,
so I think she just
filled her quota.
- That makes more sense.
- Hey, there, little guy.
Welcome in.
- Thanks for seeing me.
I was referred to
by Dakota's mom.
- Who is that?
- Big--big lady, mean,
loud, tall,
off-putting personality.
- That could be
any number of people, so--
but what seems to be
the problem?
- Well, you know,
just general--general problems.
- Can you be a little bit
more specific?
- Just put down
"general medical ailments."
- Are--are you having
headaches, loss of sleep?
- I think I need a, uh--
some kind of--
I forget the phrase,
medical dog?
- Yeah, I see
what's going on here.
You think I'm dumb, huh?
- I don't--I don't think
anyone's dumb.
- You think I'm just a lab coat
with a pencil
- Nah.
- And a notepad
- Calm down.
- That can free you
from all sorts
of societal rules.
- Please.
- No, you know what?
Take off your gown
and get out of my office.
- Get out?
- I'm just kidding around.
[laughs] I'm kidding.
- Oh.
- I will absolutely
write you a note.
You should have said so
from the beginning.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Done and done.
So can I get you anything else
while you're here?
- Nah, I'm good.
- Adderall?
- I'll pass.
- Percocet for the kids.
- What?
- Low-dose Viagra?
- What's that?
What does that do?
- You know what?
Forget I said that.
There is a line,
and I crossed it.
And as a foot doctor,
I shouldn't even be
commenting on stuff like that.
[school bell rings]
- Class, today we're going
to learn about Igor Stravinksy
and his impact on--
dear Lord, why is that beast
in my class?
- Beast? Me or the dog?
- Thomas, canines are not
allowed in school.
- Oh, no, he is.
He's a service dog.
- Tom, as a child,
I was nearly "serviced"
by a dog
because I was dry-humped
by the beast.
- Dry-humped by a beast?
- Now please, take that beast
out of the classroom.
- First of all,
stop calling him a beast.
You're getting him worked up.
[dog yelping]
Bill, sit down.
- The mongrel must
be restrained.
- Mr. B, sit.
[dog snarling]
- He terrifies me.
- Bill, sit.
- Bill Jr, down.
- Oh, my God.
- That dog is supposed
to keep you calm?
- In theory, yes.
- Seems like
he's an agent of chaos.
- Tom, he's screaming at me.
- Mr. B, you gotta
lower your voice.
- He's gonna kill Mr. B!
- Ah!
- Bill.
- Not again!
- Mr. B, sit.
- Oh, my God,
I'm being hounded!
- Bill, sit.
- Call animal control!
- Mr. B--
- And tell them Mr. B
- Oh, my God.
- Is being mauled to death!
Aah!
- He's not great.
He's not a great therapy dog.
- Okay, calm down, guys.
Your teacher ran home,
but the dog is okay.
The little guy just
felt cornered.
- Oh, thanks
for taking care of him.
He's a--he's a good boy.
- I'm sure he is.
You on the other hand
seem to have some issues.
- What does that--
what do you mean?
- This doctor's note
you gave me,
pretty troubling.
- What is--
- "Tom is a total nutjob."
- No.
- "And can freak out
at any moment."
- Is that what he wrote?
- Why don't we put you
on a leash just to be safe.
- What? All right, please--
- I think that's a great idea.
- What?
- I mean, your doctor said
you're a lunatic.
You can't be just roaming--
- Stop.
- Stop? You stop.
- You can't put a leash
on a little kid.
You can't--
obviously can't do that.
- Technically, you can put a
leash on anything with a neck.
- You're a licensed
animal control guy?
- Excu--do you wanna
see my credentials?
- I would like
to see something.
A résumé.
- A résumé?
I don't carry--
who carries a résumé?
- I feel like we're
splitting hairs here, okay?
At this point, strap him in.
- Nelson, don't--
- There we go.
- No.
- I'm on it.
- Stop.
- Tom.
- Nelson.
- Relax, Tom.
- Nelson.
- Tom--dog!
Down! Got him.
- Why is no one interjecting?
- Tom, until you can prove
you're of sound mind,
I can't have you roaming
these halls unrestrained
like a lunatic.
- Come on.
- He--he shouldn't
own a dog either.
I mean, we're hanging
onto this little guy
until he's sane again.
- Oh, please, no.
Don't take Bill Jr.
Bill! Bill, I'll come for you!
- [whistles]
Come on. Heel, Tom.
- All right, Nelson, enough.
- You gotta pee?
You gotta go do some business?
- Seriously, it's not funny.
- You gotta go
plop in the yard?
[insects chirring]
[cell phone ringing]
- What the hell? Tom's mom?
What kind of crazy bitch calls
at 2:00 a.m.?
Hello?
- Hey, Dakota's mom?
It's me, Tom.
- Oh, my God,
why are you calling me,
you little maniac?
Did you kill Dakota?
- Kill?
No, no, everything's fine.
Listen, I just need
another favor.
You mentioned you have
a therapist, right?
- Does a bear shit
in the woods?
Of course I have a therapist.
- You do?
- My life's a living hell.
You know, I'm in therapy
five days a week.
Have you seen my husband?
- He seems like a handful.
- There's
something really wrong.
Like, you know, I mean, if--
if I could perform a lobotomy
and get away with it, I would.
- I can hear you, honey.
- Shut up, Brad.
Now listen, Tom.
If it gets you off the phone,
I'm gonna call my little
therapist in the morning,
and I'm gonna tell her
to expect you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
You're the best.
I love ya.
- Please don't start thinking
that we're gonna be friendly.
I did one nice thing,
and I regret it already.
- Honey, I need to pee.
May I have permission to go
to the bathroom?
- No, Brad.
No, I'm trying to sleep.
Please, hold till the morning.
Jeez! My God!
- Tom, I understand
you're having some issues.
- Uh, I'm fine actually.
I just need a note
that says I'm normal.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- I'm obviously
ridiculously normal, so
- Tom, normal people don't say
"I'm ridiculously normal."
- Yeah, they do.
- Mm, no. They don't.
- The other doctor
was much more cool.
The other guy was very loose
about this stuff.
- Did you go see
a vet or something?
What kind of doctor
did you go see?
- I just need to get
my dog back.
- I just wanna help you.
Have you had any
childhood trauma?
- No.
No, smooth sailing really.
- Smooth sailing? Been smooth
sailing your whole childhood?
- I--I mean, I once pooped
my pants at a baseball game,
and all the parents laughed
at me.
- That's terrible.
- I mean,
my gerbil was eaten alive
in front of my eyes by a hawk.
- Horrific.
- And I mean,
now that we're talking,
I mean, I was chased
out of Fenway
by a mob of drunks.
- Oh, my God.
- But they were drunk.
I mean, it doesn't count
if they're drunk, right?
- Tom, you have serious trauma
to deal with.
- Really?
- I'm not gonna sign off
on any of this
until you physically
revisit these traumatic
events
- Oh, no. Come on.
- And find,
with your mother,
some sort of peace.
- I'm not trying
to tell you your job,
but that just sounds like
overkill.
I'm--I'm fine.
- Tom, you came in
with a leash around your neck.
You are not fine.
Listen up, Tom.
Use some of the talking points
I gave you, okay?
You've got this.
- Attention, everyone.
I pooped my pants
on this field, but it does not
define me as a person.
I've moved on.
Thank you
for giving me closure.
- Wow.
That was emotional.
- Ready to drop a load
somewhere else?
- Security guard who tased me
while screaming,
"I will end you,
you little son of a bitch,"
I've forgotten the whole thing.
I've moved on.
- Bingo. That's my boy.
- Crossing guard
who exposed himself
and said, "Say hello
to my little friend,"
I am not traumatized
by your actions.
I have closure. Thank you.
- That, my friend, is therapy.
- Red Sox fans, you chased me
out of your stadium
and urinated on my clothing
and backpack.
But I'm good with it.
I have closure. Thank you.
Ice cream truck
at the bottom of the river,
you are not a symbol
of my lost youth.
I'm at peace
with all ice cream vendors.
- Wow. Thanks for asking Tom
to do all that.
- Tom, for all your hard work,
I have a little surprise
for you.
- There you go, buddy.
- Bill Jr?
[dog barks]
Oh, he's back.
[swelling music]
Oh, get over here, buddy.
♪
What a happy ending.
- Before we wrap this up,
there's one more place
I think Tom should go.
- One more? Where's that?
- You know where.
- Oh, no.
- Hold up,
where are we exactly?
- It's where
Tina the slut worked
before running off
with Tom's dad.
- Tom's dad ran off
with a masseuse?
- Yeah.
- You really should have
mentioned that
during our session.
- Nah, it's not a big thing.
We got the dog.
Let's pack it up.
I don't wanna do this.
- No, let's do this.
- I've got closure.
- No, you've suffered.
You're emotionally weird
because of this.
- Nah.
- Scoop up Bill Jr and take him
in there for moral support.
- Can I have your attention,
please?
Massage place
where my dad met Tina the slut,
I know she ran off with him
and they are nailing each other
in Myrtle Beach,
but I am at peace with it
and I have closure.
That felt good.
All right, come on, Billy.
- Wait, is that my fucking dog?
- What's this? No.
This is Bill Jr.
- Bill Jr?
His name is Maurice.
- Maurice?
- Come, Maurice.
- No.
Bill Jr, sit.
- Maurice, come.
[dog whimpers]
- No, Bill Jr, sit.
- No, Maurice.
- Don't--Bill.
- Oh, what a relief.
Some maniac from Boston
came in last week
and stole him.
- Maniac from Boston?
- Play the tape.
- Oh, that massage sucked.
Tom's dad told me
this was a rub 'n' tug place.
I'm taking your dog.
- Oh, that explains a lot.
All right,
so wh--what happens now?
I just, like, go home and cry,
or what do I do?
- You nailed it. I'm glad
we got all this closure.
- So how'd it go?
- Not great.
They took the dog,
and I'm scarred for life,
so as far as therapy goes,
it's not a great session.
[cheerful music]
[jazzy music]
- Mom, why are we here?
Why are we at the nurse's
gender reveal party?
I thought
you hate these things.
- Tom, you should know this
about me by now.
I'm here for the free food.
Now stuff some jalapeño poppers
down your pants.
- That's why we came?
- What do you think
our dinner is tonight?
Get those jally poppies
down your pants.
- Hi, everyone, and welcome
to the reveal party.
On behalf of me
and my future son,
thank you for coming.
- That was the reveal?
She just said,
"I'm having a son."
- That can't be it.
You can't invite people
to a--a sentence
that you're gonna say.
- WTF?
- Oh, wait, didn't
you guys read the invite?
This isn't a gender reveal.
It's a father reveal.
- Wait, what?
- Oh, this is not happening.
- Based on my sexual activity
within the past few months,
there are three possible
contenders:
ice cream man
- Very unlikely.
- The plumber
- No.
Come on.
- And Rick the ad guy.
- Ow!
Honey, please,
it's a one in three chance.
- Congratulations, team.
Now let's hop
in that shuttle bus
and head down to the lake.
Whoo!
- Tom, steal literally
every meatball
so we got something
for the ride.
- Literally take
all the meatballs?
- Every meatball you see,
I want you to shove it
down your jeans.
- All right.
- Between the jean,
outside the underwear.
- Okay, guys, this is going
to be spectacular.
Remember Sharon's
gender reveal,
that pathetic little
piece of shit?
This is gonna blow that away.
I spared no expense.
I hired the Italian company
that does the New York
Fourth of July festivals, so--
[laughs] Okay?
A hot air balloon is gonna
rise into the sky,
create a plume
of colored smoke,
and then fireworks will
rain down on the town
for about an hour and a half.
- Sounds kind of dangerous, no?
- It's white for ice cream man,
brown for plumber,
and yellow for Rick.
- If it's not me,
let me just say this.
Free ice cream for everyone.
- Love you guys.
You're like family now.
- Now here's Federico
with the safety talk.
- [speaking Italian]
- Why's he pointing at me?
- All right, he needs
a very tiny volunteer,
so he's obviously chosen Tom.
- No, I have an unnatural fear
of balloons.
Plus, my mom won't allow it.
She's very strict.
- Honestly, I feel like
if you just do it,
we'll get out of here faster.
- Mom--
- Bellissimo.
- What?
- Okay.
- Why's he grabbing me?
- [speaking Italian]
- No.
I didn't ever agree.
- Dieci, nove
- Why's he counting?
Are we doing a safety talk
or something?
- He's counting down to safety.
- Quattro
- Wait, what does this do?
- Oi.
- What's happening here?
Wait, why am I going up?
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
Not yet! Oh!
- Wh--I didn't do anything.
What's happening?
[fireworks popping]
- Holy fuck-a!
- Tom, throw me
the jalapeño poppers.
- Someone help. What do I do?
- [speaking Italian]
- What--what's he saying?
- He's saying,
"Good God, run for your lives.
The chemicals are quite toxic."
- Wait, what's happening?
- Tom, get out of there.
Get out, Tom.
- Throw me the meatballs.
- Tom, jump! Jump into
the ice cream man's arms.
- This is a terrible
way to die.
I'm going down.
That doesn't look good at all.
[sirens wailing]
- Just to confirm,
she said yellow is Rick?
- Yep. Congrats, buddy.
- No way it's me.
Look at that plumber.
It's always the plumber.
[firetruck honking]
- Hey, kids,
today we have a special guest
to teach us
about the environment.
I hear she's a lot of fun,
so give it up for Lisa
from Greenpeace.
- Thank you. Hi, kids.
Are you guys ready
to get silly and laugh?
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- Uh, yeah.
- Um, well, I'm not,
because Tom killed
all the fish in the lake
and made the water un-swimmable
for generations.
- Me? No.
If we're blaming anyone,
blame the baby.
It was the b--the baby's fault.
- Wow.
Using a baby as a scapegoat.
That's some real class A stuff.
- It was a hot air balloon--
hot air balloon mishap.
- Just get up here.
- All right.
- They told me she was fun.
What the F is she doing?
- Okay, so Tom, you're being
called a lot of things.
- Really?
- You know, one of them
is the Fish Assassin.
- Nah.
- The--the Hot Air Balloon
Asshole.
- People are calling me that?
- Uh, the Exxon Valdez
of Ten-Year-Olds.
- I haven't heard any of these.
- You know, you guys, I'm not--
I'm not here to shame Tom,
because I understand
this is just because he is
a truly ignorant,
stupid buttface.
- Of all the assemblies we've
had, this is the worst by far.
- Okay, well--
- The magician was great.
- Sure.
- That guy was good.
- So let's play a game.
I want you to pretend
that you're a fish
who just ingested
strontium chloride.
- That's the game?
- So get down.
- All right, I feel like
you don't know
what a game is, but I'll--
I'll do it.
- Okay, great.
Okay, okay, now flop.
- So I'm just gonna flop
on the floor?
- Yes.
- How's this?
- You guys have been
such a great audience.
I've really just--
I've so enjoyed your time.
- It's over?
- I love my job.
- The assembly is over?
- And I hope that you've
learned so much,
and I hope you've had so fun--
please don't tell me
when this is done.
I say when it's done.
Thank you.
- Oh, man,
what an assembly that was.
- Tom, just so you know,
I'm not gonna start calling you
the Hot Air Balloon Asshole.
- Thank you.
It's not a good nickname.
- Listen, Tom,
I heard what you did,
and I have a solution.
- No.
Enough with the chiming in.
- What you need
are carbon offsets.
- Carbon offsets?
- It's where you do one thing
that's bad for the environment,
right, which you've done
- I did that.
- Then you offset it
by doing something good.
- No, this sounds sketchy.
This sounds like
classic bus driver stuff.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
my dad, he actually does it.
- He does?
- Yeah, if he flies
in a private jet, he offsets it
by donating to wind farms.
- And that makes
the problem go away?
- Absolutely. Well, kind of.
- Well, let me put it--
let's say
you take a smelly dump, Tom
- Come on.
- Which we all know you do
- This is in poor taste.
- And then you spray
a little bit
of air freshener around.
- I don't even know what we're
talking about anymore.
- I'm just saying,
you offset the smell
with the smell
of something good.
- How does that work?
I don't--
- Just go plant
a bunch of trees,
and you're good to go.
- So you're saying
if I plant trees,
it's like I never
destroyed the lake?
- Exactly.
- That's amazing.
Thank you, bus driver.
I gotta say, you're, uh--
you're smarter than you look.
- It sounds like you're saying
I look visibly dumb,
but I'll take it
as a compliment.
- I mean, you don't look
like an intelligent man,
you realize that, right?
- Oh, yes, yeah.
I mean, that's why I'm not
getting that upset about it.
- Wow, look at this.
What a--what a spectacle.
- Tom, I'm so proud of you.
I mean, this was a great idea,
getting everyone
to plant trees.
- Hey, you know,
that's the kind of guy I am.
I'm a tree planter.
- You're not
a Hot Air Balloon Asshole.
You're--you're actually
a really good kid.
- Thank you. That's nice.
So you'll give me
a nice little intro, and then,
uh, I'll take the stage?
- Uh, yeah, I think I know
how to give you a good intro.
I did open mic 12 times
when I was 24.
Uh, hi, everybody,
and thanks for coming.
Everyone, as you know,
one of our students
had a great idea
to help the environment.
The goal is to plant ten trees
all around the whole school.
Now the young man
behind it all is here to say--
- Actually, actually,
I'd like to say something.
- Wait, what's this?
- I'm a landscaper,
and I'd like to help.
- That's my dad.
- Why stop at ten trees?
Let's make it 100.
- Wow, a hundred.
That makes the whole ten idea
seem kind of lame.
- So generous.
- It's the same idea.
He's just multiplying it.
- And let's call it
Randy's Dad's 100 Tree Project.
- Whoo!
- No, we have a name.
No, we made the banner.
- And what the hell,
for every donation
to this project,
we will match it
dollar for dollar!
- My dad is dropping the mulch!
- [gasps] Oh, my God!
Amazing.
- No, why is he still talking?
Can you c--can we cut his mic?
- I'm Randy's dad, and I wanna
thank you for listening.
- Whoo!
- Let's hear it for that guy.
And thanks for coming
everybody, and--
- Oh, no, hold on.
- Now let's get out there
and plant some trees.
- Wait, uh, Principal,
you never introduced me.
- What do you want me to say?
- You gotta say my name.
You gotta say Tom at least.
- Okay.
Uh, one more thing, everybody.
Tom.
- That's literally
not even a sentence.
- It's what you asked for.
- Oh, Rick. Rick.
Hey, Rick.
- Hey, lil' Tom.
- Oh, hey, Rick.
- You wanna hang out
or bro out or--
- I don't wanna bro out.
But I actually need
some advice.
You mind if I come in?
- I would love it.
My wife's at her sister's,
so I got a lot of time
on my hands right now.
- Uh, she upset
about the whole baby thing?
- You know, when you have
a baby with somebody else,
it just creates a lot
of friction in the house.
- I could see that.
- Hop on in here.
- I don't know if you realize,
someone spray-painted
"cocksucker" on your house.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm trying to match the paint.
It's a--it was a custom color.
It's a whole kerfuffle.
Trust me.
- Oh, wow, she, uh--
she spray-painted inside too.
- Inside too, inside too.
- "Bitch," "cock," "asshole,"
I'm not allowed to say
any of these words.
- No, I know,
it's a lot of stuff.
It's--I mean,
it's nice it's a theme.
It ties the room together,
but, uh--
what can I do for you, Tom?
- I came up with
a tree planting program,
and everyone else
is stealing credit.
- Okay, so you got infringed
on your idea,
and we gotta get the word out?
- Yes.
- Okay, we can do that.
Watch the master in action.
Here we go, okay.
- Oh, wow, whiteboard
in your house.
- Yeah, this is what I do.
- Oh, my God.
Watching the master in action.
- That's it. Metal plaques.
- Metal plaques?
- Like you see in the parks.
Engrave them with, "This tree
brought to you by Tom."
- That's genius, Rick.
- Thank you.
- It sounds expensive though.
How would I ever--
- Please, little tiny Tom,
my treat.
- You're gonna pay
for the plaques?
- Yep, because my wife's
gonna get all the money
in the divorce, so I need
to divest my assets ASAP.
- I feel like you've
got problems, Rick.
- [laughs]
I've clearly got issues, Tom.
Here's my credit card. Go nuts.
- So you're telling me
Rick gave you
his credit card
and said, "Go nuts"?
- He either said, "Go nuts,"
or "Try not to go nuts."
- Hm, that's a big
difference, Tom.
- It's possible he offered me
some mixed nuts.
I really wasn't listening.
- Well, either way,
we gonna figure out.
We got the card.
- We got the card, yeah,
so it's an exciting time
to be alive.
- Whoo!
- Hey, are you the trophy guy?
- I am.
- Listen, I'd like to buy,
uh, 100 metal plaques
that say,
"This tree was planted by Tom."
- 100?
Uh, I don't think
your allowance is gonna
cover that, bud.
- Uh, talk to Rick's
gold card, bitch.
- I'm sorry, excuse me? What?
- He didn't mean to swear.
We're just a little excited
to have a credit card.
- Too excited.
We're too excited.
- Oh, your parents
are paying for this?
- Well, it's, uh--
it's my neighbor.
- So why are we stopping
at the plaques?
Can I interest you in a statue?
- Ooh.
- 'Cause I could easily make
a statue
of you holding a shovel.
- No, no, that's too much.
- Yes.
A Tom statue?
- That sounds expensive though.
I mean--
- Put it on the card.
We can go up to the max.
If it's able to do it
on the max,
then you get the statue of Tom.
- Can you put him on a horse?
- I can.
It's completely irrelevant
to planting trees, but--
- I do like the imagery.
- It could seem
as if you're in full gallop.
- You know what?
You guys talked me into it.
- Yes! Tom, my man!
- All right, you know what?
Give us 100 plaques,
best materials you got,
give us a huge statue,
me, horse, shovel.
- Ch-ch-ch-ch.
Eh, yeah, I can do that. Okay.
- This is amazing.
You're really a great trophy
and plaque and statue guy.
- I gotta say,
you two are literally
the best customers
I've ever had come in here.
- Randy, why are
they interviewing Tom?
- More importantly, why did
they make a statue of him?
- All right,
I'm bringing this thing down.
Watch your feet.
This thing weighs ten tons.
- Oh, wow. It came out great.
Shovel looks amazing.
- And, son, uh,
do you have a second
to comb through your hair
or straighten up your shirt?
- Uh, this is the general look.
This is as good as it gets.
- All right, you know what?
Let's just roll on this.
Let's roll.
Hi, folks.
I'm here with a feel-good story
about a local boy who,
it turns out,
is behind the whole
100 Trees program.
Tom, tell us,
what inspired you?
- Well, I just love, uh--
I love the Earth.
What can I say?
- Well, I'd love
for you to say more.
- You know,
I just love, uh, the soil.
I love trees and roots
and bark and whatnot.
- [chuckles] Fantastic.
"And whatnot."
Tom, what about the horse?
What does it signify?
- Uh, you know, the horse is
just really about the way
I gallop from town to town
planting trees.
- Okay, well,
that's fair enough.
A beautiful testament
to nature and its power.
- Um, what the hell
am I looking at?
- Greenpeace Lisa?
- What are these things
made of?
- Oh, don't worry about that.
We spared no expense.
Uh, I believe he said
they're made of pure lead.
- Wh--I'm--pure lead?
- Yeah, we wanted it to be here
for many generations
so they could see my name.
- Uh, these plaques are gonna
slowly kill every tree in town,
and eventually, it's gonna
seep into the water supply.
- Oh.
- So everyone in this town
is gonna die
from lead poisoning.
And, uh--and that's on you.
- Oh, that kind of
puts a damper
on the whole thing, doesn't it?
- I'm just curious,
what is it like
to be an ignorant, miniscule,
unimportant butthead?
- An ignorant butthead?
It's not a great feeling.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow ♪
We can float anywhere ♪