The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

I am never warm My senses are all numb.
I can't touch anyone without endangering their lifes.
And I can't be with the woman I love.
Our mothers will.
And it's Freyja goddess of prosperity, there is quite a bit to hand out.
She got the goddesses in term and they get the first crack.
- How long will it take? - Yet to be determined.
You have to have a plan.
Something to set you up for the rest of your life.
Where is Anders? - Afraid in Norway, I should hope.
- Do you have any idea how cold it is here For goodness sake, enough with the whining.
You've got a job to do and now go and do it.
Go fetch.
I'm not a dog, you know.
It's great to be home.
Still can't believe you killed our mother.
We did not kill her.
Is she here? No.
Is she incinerated? Yes.
- It was Loki, not us.
- You didn't actually stopped it, did you? And now you are giving all the money given to those goddess slags.
As per her wishes.
She is our mother, Mike.
That money should be ours.
All of it.
Actually, strictly speaking, it should be mine, because I'm the only one who deserves it.
I have suffered for this family, in ways you can not imagine.
When you gonna tell us what this secret mission actually was? There is one minor hiccup to overcome, and then I can let you in on it.
- You did failed, didn't you? Whatever it was.
- I did not, I triumphed.
- So what's the hiccup? - I'm sorting it.
And it's you, what the hell is wrong with you? - I think I'm coming down with something.
- Not now, you egg.
This whole be a man and get in touch with the inner Viking to become Odin crap.
I mean, what the hell, is it about? You should be out, knocking off woman, one after another until one of them turns to be out Frigg, not playing with this off.
I can hear your whiny little voice from upstairs.
Some of us are trying to be sick in peace and quiet, you know? And brandy.
They are our sworn enemies Mike, I can't believe you sleeping with one of them.
I prefer to think this is going where you to be struck out.
I prefer to think of it, as coming to my senses, before she trap with the evil insidious snatch.
I hear that, wanker! I turn my back for two seconds and this whole family goes to the dogs.
Literally in Mikes case.
Except for Axl, is become a pussy.
- The rest of you aren't much better.
- Anders, look On behalf of us all, can I just say one thing? Okay? That That is for not telling us about our mother.
That is for not saying where you've been or why, but mainly That is for being you.
present The Almighty Johnsons - S02E08 Man Flu Translation from Italian: Kreator I'm sick! Really, really sick! Really sick! - Harden up! - I'm sick! Got that.
- I hate being sick, sick sucks.
- Yes it does, stay away from me.
- I'm sick! - Yes, I can hear you moaning from my room.
You are an oath keeper official! You should be more sympathetic.
Slightly warm.
Rest, drink fluids.
- Water, not beer.
- And what if I can't make it to the toilet? - Harden up! - Yeah, give man flu a bad name? Hey, man flu is a real thing, you know? It's like normal flu, only worse.
I hate being sick.
And I hate sick people.
Medicine not a good career choice then.
I want a Ferrari.
It's rossa red.
That is a life plan.
No, it's not.
- Axl.
- I want to speak to Michelle.
Hang on.
It's for you.
- What? - You made me sick.
I did not! You were sick first, and now I am, so I'm blaming you.
I bet you're not as sick as me.
- I bet I'm sicker.
- No way! No one could be sicker than me.
I am so sick, my teeth hurt.
You know, I am so sick my hair hurts! That's nothing compared how sick I am.
You make me ashamed to be a male.
Harden up! What do you mean "Don't worry"? I mean when you find yourself worrying, Dawn, don't.
We have hardly any clients left, Anders, since you decided to shut down the business, you and that woman who doesn't return my phone calls.
Yeah, Agnetha is kind out of the pictures these days.
But I'm back.
Strangely, that isn't reassuring to all our ex-clients who have gone to other agencies in the interim.
I'm all over that.
How? In ways too complex for you to understand, Dawnsy.
Where are you? You should be here.
I'm just sorting out what you might call a lost luggage issue.
How is you lost luggage more important than our lost business? Everything is connected, Dawn.
You carrying on with good work, okay? Bye! - Hi there.
- How can I help? The other day there was a bit of a mix-up at the airport, and you guys ended up confiscating something that was part of my luggage.
- What name? - It's Johnson, Anders Johnson.
Anders.
- And you're - Shona.
Shona.
Hi, Shona.
I always loved that name, Shona.
- Yes, we have the item in question here.
- Excellent, then that shouldn't take to long.
Where is being held for fumigation and a Quarantine period.
No, no, no.
That is entirely inappropriate.
Under the bars of security act it is entirely appropriate, Mr.
Johnson.
Come on, Shona.
I'm sure between us, you and me we can sort this out, what do you reckon? So, why didn't you just give me what I want, and then maybe you and I can slip away as required? I can give you what you need.
Sorry, did you just hit on me? What? It was hard to tell, cause you are kind of mumbling.
Do not giving you anything, Mr.
Johnson.
You brought a biohazard into New Zealand and that biohazard has been seized, and will be dealt with according the law.
Is there anything else I can help you with? I'll be back.
Hello? - Hi, is Mike there? - I'm ill, Ty.
Abuse me.
- Sorry to hear that.
Can I speak to Mike? - It's for you.
What? I need to talk to you.
So talk.
No, I need to talk here.
- Something's happening.
- You can't wait? Definitely not.
Fine, I'll be right over.
Got to get see Ty.
Fine, you go.
Leave me.
Try to not pass away while I'm gone.
I will, but no promises.
- What do you looking for? - The car keys.
There.
- Thank you.
- I'll be fine here.
Yeah you are.
The door was unlocked.
Course it was.
Michelle's upstairs, but I warn you - She is sick.
- But I'm here to see you.
I know exactly what I'm gonna do with the share of Agnethas money.
Go on.
I'll buy the courier company I work for, that I know they are cashing up.
That sound life plan enough? Yes, it's good for me, Anders may not concur.
What caught up his ass? Best you talk to him about that.
But you let me know exactly how much And I'll make it happen.
Yes! Okay.
Really this is urgent.
Taste this.
- Why? - Taste it.
Oh shit it is! It's Ingrids special curry.
Isn't this the best thing you've ever tasted? - No! - It is to me, Mike.
Because this is the first food I've tasted actually tasted since I turned 21.
I'm not fucking surprised! I can't even breathe! Listen to me, Mike.
I tasted the food today.
I can feel the warmth of the sun.
I feel cold and other feelings around me.
Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't know why, but Whatever made me Hod I can feel it going away.
Axl? Axl? You look like shit.
Thanks.
And you're burning up.
I'm freezing.
Okay.
For once in your life, I need you to be of some use.
- It's not very nice.
- Come on.
Get over it.
So, the thing I shit blood To bring all the way from fucking Norway to here is kind of be confiscated by the Kiwi fruit police.
- Who? - The Bionazis who think that every piece of wood that crosses their borders like carrying the Ebola virus.
Ebola is from Africa.
I thought you went to Norway.
Yes, I did.
I went to parts of Norway, that are not on any the tourist map.
I negotiated with giants.
And I fought of ferocious dwarves attacks.
And then, finally, and my strange raven man thing, listened trusty god Hugin And I reached the mystical place Where our search was fulfilled.
Grandpa! I heard you you showed your thing to a hairy raven.
I found Yggdrasil, Grandpa.
Yggdrasil.
Mom said me to find it, and I did.
I found the tree of life, Grandpa.
And then I brought a branch for home with me, and then the bastards of the airport took it away from me and now they want it fumigated.
No, no, no you can't fumigate the tree of life.
That is what I thought.
- We have to get it back.
- I tried, but the lesbian I dealt with clearly really hates good looking men and couldn't be persuade.
We got to try again.
Let's do this.
- Mr.
Johnson.
- Shona.
- How can I help? - You know how you can help.
Is it about the large stick you were inquired about before? Okay, for starters, it's not a stick.
It's a priceless work of art, it's a traditional and very fragile Norse artefact.
On my computer it says "large stick.
" The computer is wrong! And I have someone here, that can attest to the cultural and spiritual significance of what you call a "stick".
Mr.
Johnson, I'm sorry, but if you and your father have any problem with our protocols What do you mean "my father," you dyke? This isn't over! What the hell is wrong with you? You look old.
I feel like crap.
Last night I was high upon weed, last night was off the scale.
No, no, that's normal, this is, this is This better be important.
- Have you noticed something weird today? - Define "weird.
" A listening of our powers.
Like the fact that I'm with grandpa and he looks like fucking fifty? What about you personally? Maybe.
We need to meet, I'll see you at your place.
Did you talk to Ty and Axl about this? Is this same shit happening to them? Ty is sort of I - I'll explain at yours, and Axl won't be there.
- Why not? I'll explain at your place.
Hey.
- How is he doing? - His temperature is still very high.
So, what do we do? Likely, if it's a virus, it will run its course.
He just has tried it out.
Ty.
Hello.
Are you busy? No, I am Mostly not busy.
Are you after Anders? No, I'm after you.
How do you mean? Not in any sinister kind of way.
In fact I was hoping we could get all of this behind us If we can.
Like how? I was hoping the fact the police haven't coming knocking at my door means you haven't taking your theories to them.
I I took some time to think about what I was thinking, and I have to admit I may have over thought things a bit.
Well, a lot.
Look can we get out of here? Where? I don't know.
Anywhere.
Holy shit! I swear he aged 10 years in the car on the way here.
And I'm not happy about it.
I bet, Grandpa.
Don't call me that.
It makes me feel old.
So, what's up with Ty? Why is he not there? Well, what's a curse for Olaf is a gift for Ty.
Oh yeah, no more Mister Freezie.
You gotta.
Selfish prick, he'll go have fun, while grandpa dies.
- Anders! - What did you say? Speak up, boy! What about Axl, what is his excuse? Grandpa Olaf Do you think you getting older, and we seem to be losing our powers could this have anything to do, with the fact that Axl is sick? - Why would have that anything to do - Axl is sick? Yeah.
Well, of course, that has everything to do with it.
You dimwit! They don't call him Odin the Allfather for nothing.
Have I taught you people nothing? We are all linked to him - Axl - By blood By spirit.
If he rises, we rise If he falls so we fall.
I need a nap.
Zeb! Call an ambulance! Now! I'm not happy about this.
What if he pisses himself? Axl has been taken to the hospital.
Shit! Come on! What about him? He's asleep, he's fine.
- You're coming or not? - Someone really should stay look after grandpa.
Are you afraid of coming to the hospital? No.
But what if it is some sort of god plague? - What? - First your girlfriend, then Axl, I mean being near a god, especially a sick one, is not a good idea, on my books.
Shit! Where is your brother? Bedroom.
Are you sick? - No, are you? - No, what do you want? To know what your problem is that I get my money.
- This is not a really good time right now.
- I don't care.
What is the matter with him? Like I said, it's not really a good time.
This cheese is the best.
Isn't the best thing ever? Supposed to everything we have already eaten and drunk, was also the best.
Yeah, definitely the cheese.
So I suspect the chocolate is maybe our new best very soon.
The chocolate is always the best, everybody knows that.
Then we should put this theory to the test.
Can I ask you a question? - Of course.
- Are you on drugs? No, just I'm happy to be alive.
Aren't you? - On drugs? - No! Happy? Right at this moment.
Yeah.
I am.
I like it when you laugh, you should do it more often.
Yeah.
Maybe I've changed.
Maybe I'm a new me.
Michelle? Oh, shit.
You don't have to do that, you know? Yeah, I do actually.
Looking after gods is a genetic urge, I can't fight.
Believe me, I've tried.
Okay, that's cool.
Where was I? Somewhere in the middle why buying your stupid psycho carrier business is a good idea, and that I should pull my head and so.
I nodded off because it was really boring.
- It is a brilliant idea.
- It's not your money.
- It is, she left it to us.
- We are her children, that money belongs to us.
And if there is a problem with that, you can take it up with the tree.
Or a pile of ash or both, whatever.
You are such a pity little god.
Hey, life maybe what I am, deal with it.
I made you some tea.
- Yggdrasil? - No, no, no, just tea.
Yggdrasil.
I don't know what the name of the tea in the old language.
- Yggdrasil! - Okay, calm, calm down.
- I save the tea here.
- Y.
.
.
Yggdrasil! What's an Yggdrasil? - Why? - He keeps asking for it.
Grandpa, what about Yggdrasil? The tree of life.
Yeah, so? Oh, shit, of course, but we don't have Yggdrasil.
What's Yggdrasil? Well, on one hand it may very well save the day, on the other, it kind got confiscated at customs and they want to fumigate the fuck out of it, so we don't have it.
What? So it's at the uncleared goods transition facility on Angus Place? - Yeah, how do you know? - I'm a courier, I shift stuff from place to place.
You really weren't listening before, when I was telling how the company I wanna buy, has heaps of government contracts, were you? - No.
- Well, maybe you should have.
- What is this Yggdrasil anyway? - Yggdrasil! It's a kind of a large stick.
- From some kind of tree of life.
- From the tree of life.
Then it might helpful if we get it, mind it? - How is he doing? - He's stable.
- Which means what? - He hasn't got any worse.
They know what's wrong? They thinking viral infection.
They're waiting on the results of blood test.
In fact, I wanna chase them up.
See what's happening.
- Thanks.
- No worries.
What if he dies? - Zeb - No, what if he dies? Axl is not gonna die.
It's a virus, man! Virus will get us all one day! - Will you shut up? - Bu .
.
Shouldn't we warning people? Is all I'm saying.
Sorry, what? If Odin dies, the Johnsons all die.
And in the process, disaster is visiting on the world.
Isn't it how it works? - Oh, yeah.
- Earthquakes, eruptions Easy, all right? Axl is not gonna die okay? The best way I can describe it it's like a cloud, as lifted from my life.
A little dark cloud in a black dress? More than Eva.
It's like the whole world to me is a brighter more beautiful warmer place.
Hey! Let's go to the beach, let's go for swim! - I can't.
- Why not? - I do have to be a little productive, you know? - Why? Because someone has to.
Do we have dinner tonight? Are you asking me out on a date? Not if the concept scares you.
We can call it just dinner.
Two friends Eating food for the second time in a day.
Does it seem like threatening? Yeah, I think I can deal with that idea.
Excellent.
You should take that.
I need to call Anders anyway.
Hey Mike, what's up? So you kind of like a dog really fetching stick? - Yeah, the jokes will be done.
- No, sue they haven't.
- Here we are.
- Are we? Your friend Shona at the door is a lovely woman by the way.
Showed me around one day.
- I knew she was a lesbian.
- No.
All those types who work defending our borders are proud of what they doing.
They love to show it off.
- And I'm naturally curious.
- As in bi-curious? - Such a one check mind.
- That's were I'm permanent.
Over this fence around the back is a shipping container.
They put all the confiscated stuff in it for fumigation.
- What about cameras? - Not enough money in their budget.
But they pump container full of gas, it's very toxic.
We go over here, on one condition.
What? Saving lives is not enough for you? - You agree that I get my money.
- Just you, not the others? It's an every goddess for their self world.
Deal.
Good.
Come on then! - You climb like a girl.
- And you climb like a gibbon.
- Did i mention guard dogs? - What? There is.
There it is.
You don't miss much, do you? How do we get into it? Presumably by opening the door.
Shall we try? Stop mocking me! - This is fun, eh? - Yeah, I'm wetting my pants.
Would not surprise me if you had.
Let's open this, okay? I can't see any gas coming out.
Could be odourless and colourless.
Okay, you go.
- In there? No way! - Yeah.
- I'll tell Mike to give you double the money.
- You are the one who knows what to look for.
- It 'a big stick, how many big sticks can be in there? - You'll find out, won't you? Now you need to make a call? - Did you find it? - Does it look like, i have a fucking stick in my hand? Actually, I think I remember Shona say they always do fumigation in the middle of the night.
- Got ya! - There are lives at stake, you know? Doesn't mean you can't have fun when the opportunity presumes.
Is that it? Don't look like much.
So this why I feeling the best I felt in living memory.
- What did you think it was? A healthy diet? - I didn't think it was this.
So the possible outcomes are he gets better and I get back to being me, or - he dies and I die.
- Axl is not going to die.
- I suppose that's marginally better.
- About here is my suggest you get over yourself.
I made a date with Dawn tonight.
I suppose I should cancel.
Go.
What if something happens? Then your life are go back to be Hod Or you drop dead during the entrée.
Man, it's depressing sometimes? Go.
Take advantage of this gift.
- No, I should stay.
- Go! Shit! Michelle You're okay! No.
I'm not.
I'm still sick, and I caught a cold and I'm not happy about it.
- What are you doing here? - Axl! - Actually, on second thought I might - Yeah, go! I went home and you weren't there, and you thought I spontaneously evaporated? No, I was worried.
Really? - You're so sweet.
- Yeah.
Shut up! You're clearly much better does that mean Axl? Yeah, I'm better, but no way I was as sick as this boy.
What does that mean? It's a virus, Mike.
You treat what you can - wait for wear it out.
- But what if it is a god virus? What if it's some kind of Asgard virus, the like which is never seen before on Earth? It's virus.
Just thinking out loud.
Don't! - Oh my, you do look handsome.
- Thank you, Ingrid.
Dressed like that, you're a danger to women folk, everywhere.
Ta.
I'm feeling a little tingly just looking at you.
Yes.
Thanks, Ingrid.
And I just wanted to say whatever happens that curry you made earlier today - is the best thing I've ever eaten.
- Thank you.
Not a lot of people say that about my cooking.
And what do you mean "whatever happens"? I mean life is a sequence of events, a series of moments and if you don't seize them more fool you.
Yes, I always thought that.
Never too late to catch up, eh? See you.
Bye.
Grandpa! Hey, Grandpa! Grandpa! It's me, it's me.
We got it! - Gonorrhea? - Yggdrasil! We have it here.
- Axl.
Not me, you idiot.
- What? Take it to Odin.
Sure! Go! - What if it's still infectious? - You wimp.
Hey, viruses are freaky and nasty, okay? - I just want to make first that we're not risking ourself by - Give it to me! I'll take it.
I stay here look out for Olaf.
- You give gods a bad name! - Hey, I found the stick, didn't I? Bragi God of retrievers! Of course Tomorrow is how it'll be my fault that he never answers the phone or responded to the five messages I left for him.
You know, I'd like to tell him, "Screw you" "Mister, I speak today on the best picnic ever" "and from now on, a least once a week or" "the very least once a fortnight" "I demand picnic time off, because I deserve it" "putting up with your crap" But then I probably get you in trouble, wouldn't I? Can we not talk about Anders tonight? Happy not to.
And what would you rather talk about, Mister? How much I love your perfume for starters.
I used to wear it all the time, back when we were together.
I never really noticed until now.
This wine is also the best, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Till we order another glass? Sure, why not? I'm thinking if it looks like the worst has coming to the worst then I'll hit the fire alarm before the catastrophe hits, to give everyone a chance to fleeing the building.
Mind you, if the worst is a volcanic eruption.
Running out of the hospital maybe - counterproductive.
- Zeb! Sorry, I was thinking out loud.
I've got it! Is he still alive? Oh, you.
What is that? The Stick.
Yggdrasil.
- What? - No way! The ash tree.
The greatest and best of all trees, the tree from which all life flows.
- I know what Yggdrasil is.
- I've been studying, sorry.
This is what Anders brought back.
Olaf reckons it could save Axl.
How? It's branch of the tree of life didn't get much further than that.
Maybe it's like Gandalfs staff in the Lord of the Rings.
So? So .
.
try zapping him with it.
Don't be half ass about it.
Like you mean it! Maybe he needs to hold it.
I tried calling you a few times.
170 is not "a few".
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Haven't see you for a while.
- No.
What are you guys doing? Oh, this, yes, it's an old family heirloom.
A good luck superstition thing.
Zeb knows all about it.
In fact, if we could have moments privacy Zeb will explain.
Okay.
Yeah, I will explain.
I'm not feeling a lifting of my spirit, so I'm presuming it didn't work.
Did Mom give you any fucking idea how to operate that thing? No, she didn't Mykkel, but maybe if you handle it, Loki burn it to a cinder, that would have helped.
- Ask Olaf.
- Olaf is unconscious and leaking bodily fluids in my bed.
Are you drunk? - I'm trying to be, yes.
- Why deal with things, Anders! - Dick.
- That poor should not be left alone with him.
- I can't disagree.
- What is this? Why is he holding a log? It's an Yggdrasil log.
I thought Yggdrasil was a myth.
Yeah, apparently Anders proned a piece of the myth.
And? Big fat zero.
At which point in time this becomes a manky piece of wood and a potential health risk for a man whose health is already at risk? Tear this away.
- We had to try.
- Understandable.
Should I take it to Olaf, see if he knows? Normally I'd say, that's a long shot, but hey he is fully boots.
You Sir, causing a lot of people a lot of shit.
Stacey is taking it back to Anders.
Good.
Good.
You smell beautiful.
And life.
I brought this back.
No one knew how to use it.
Yggdrasil is not used.
It's a force of life.
It gives and takes from those who give life.
Okay, which means? I loved you tea, thank you.
I mean No one ever thanked me before.
That's because you are a victim of misunderstanding.
The misunderstanding, that because you're a handmaiden - The lowest of the low - A victim of the class system.
They do not understand the power of service.
The strength of duty.
The honour of selflessness.
Right now, I totally get you.
No one ever said that to me before.
Will you lie me? Just to feel the warmth of a woman, one last time.
You won't be like that.
Just in case.
Okay.
How is he? He's stable.
I hate that word.
Me too.
Same.
He's the same.
How was your date? The best date of my life.
And the worst.
So where to from here? Good question.
Are we on a date now? Feels like it! It does, doesn't it? And it's amazing how easily we just slip back into that mode.
Yeah, it was.
But Not a bad thing, eh? If you want, we could share a taxi back to my place have coffee and stuff? I don't I don't think that's a good idea, Dawn.
I mean I will always love you, you know that.
But what I need now, more than anything else in the world, is a really good friend.
Do you think we could do that? Yeah sure! Yeahof courseno, of course.
Yes, we can.
Thank you.
Having all those senses working overtime the taste of food the smell of perfume the warmth of a kiss.
Man, that's outwork.
I'm so tired.
That mattress is all yours, brother.
The stuff you said last night, when you were old, about my life Every word the honest truth.
Thank you.
Wanna ride? You have no idea.
I feel like I haven't had a word for years.
I was having all this weird dreams, that I was in Asgard, and you were all there, and we played croquet.
And it was this really vicious game, with the mellots, the blood and stuff.
And then there was this golden light, and everything was serene.
And then the next thing I remember, I woke up.
And in your dream where the handmaidens getting off with gods, old enough to be their great grandfathers? Naw Ingrid, you know you and I were never what you called exclusive.
Okay, before this turns into a couples therapy, could we please get on, with whatever the hell it is we here for? I have about 50 clients I need to talk around.
Okay.
Let this call one of this good news/bad news gatherings.
The good news, that Axl is back and we are sloped about that.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah what about the bad news? As executor of Agnethas will, I made the executive decision to put the money to work in the markets, while you are all deciding what to do with it.
And well, that was going real well.
I mean, we are up several millions in barely a week.
What did you do with the money, Mike? Then we lost all our powers, and I was not immune to that.
And it turns out without those powers, Ullr is just another schmock, with no freaking idea, about the inner workings of money.
Did you lose it? - Did you lose all our money? - No.
Not at all.
There are still a few few thousand left.
Enough to fund Stacey and her courier company.
- Result! - Yeah! What about my Ferrari? I'm stand to rebuild, now I'm powered up again, but it may take a while honey.
So, in this space of what a day, you managed to turn millions and millions of dollars into a bunch of fucking deadbeats on bicycles? Yeah, pretty much.
In it's own way, that's really rather impressive.
Oh well, easy come, easy going.
Easy come, easy Shit! - Fuck! - Family, eh? Can you just fell the warmth.
Sorry.
And so the universe goes.