The Conners (2018) s02e08 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
Look at this.
All these businesses stood right here where the Lunch Box is now.
Is that Al Capone standing in front of the candy store? They say this is where he caught the syphilis that finally killed him in prison.
Oh, I think that should be on the "Welcome to Lanford" sign as you drive in.
"Home of Al Capone's syphilis.
Stay awhile.
" We're lucky that Lanford's official historian is doing an article on the Lunch Box.
If he can do for us what he did for Brenda's Cat Wash, we're gonna be breaking even like nobody's business.
If you ever need an assistant historian, Mr.
Bitensky, I'm ready and waiting.
If it ever becomes a real job, I'll tell you.
I make my living selling skincare products.
Call me.
We'll clear that up.
There's so much history in this location.
It was the train station where President Garfield's whistle-stop tour passed through.
What most people don't know is that a protester stepped in front of the train carrying a sign that said "The corruption stops here.
" Unfortunately, corruption didn't stop here.
It was dragged all the way to South Bend, Indiana.
And then scraped off the cowcatcher.
You know, I-I I'm not in the newspaper game, Mr.
Bitensky, but shouldn't this article be more about the future? I mean, this is gonna be the historical site of Lanford's very first wood-burning pizza oven.
Yeah! So, Sandy, if you have a minute, maybe you could get a photo of Dan ripping open the wall for the pizza oven for your article.
Sorry I'm late! Did anybody see this plant by the front door? It's from Nana Bev, and it's got a card.
"Congratulations to my dear family.
You've just blown your inheritance on another half-baked, get-poor-quick scheme.
" Ugly, ugly, ugly, hates someone named Donna.
To Jackie and Becky.
May their success be the final nail in Bev's coffin.
Yeah, yeah! Ah! Let's open this wall.
Hold it right there, Dan.
And give me more eyes.
More eyes.
More eyes.
Ohh! Becky, get the baby out of here.
The other kids, too.
Come on.
Dan, what's in there? Mold, and plenty of it.
Is it the deadly kind? I don't know, but something killed those rats in there.
02x08 - Lanford, Toilet of Sin "The Conners" is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Damn it.
I should have known my mom wouldn't keep up the property.
Even as a parent, she was a slumlord.
You want to smell something weird? This never goes well, but yeah.
It's a clean comforter.
You can wash these?! Mom told us it was impossible.
Yeah.
It's Harris'.
I washed it for when she comes home.
Man, I can't believe it's been a week since she ran off to Odessa's.
Yeah, I'm just trying to keep busy.
I folded all the towels into origami animals.
I saw it on this YouTube channel for shut-ins, and the washcloth monkey is a mother.
Do not touch this comforter.
I just washed it.
Hey, you told me that was impossible.
Hey.
You, uh, left this at work.
I figured you'd probably need it this weekend.
Wow.
You drove all the way from Chicago to bring me this? Why are you suddenly being so nice? You cheated on me.
I've always been nice.
Oh, you're still not over that? That was, like, two weeks ago.
I'm already remarried.
Too soon to laugh.
Any word from Harris? No.
And she blocked me from all her social media accounts.
What about the girl she moved in with? Have you checked her Instagram? There's, like, a million Odessas.
I have no clue which one she is.
It's weed-underscore-hoe99.
H-O-E.
She's into botany.
See? I knew it! It's Odessa, Harris, and some guy with a beard in Odessa's apartment.
I mean, this guy could be anything from a drug dealer to some kind of raving maniac.
Well, hey, I have a beard, and I haven't been a drug dealer or some kind of raving maniac for many years.
And by the way, what is a guy in his 20s doing hanging out with teenage girls? I'm going over there right now.
Oh, wait.
You promised to help me with my school project.
It's due tomorrow.
I'm sorry, honey.
You sister could be in trouble.
I got to go.
Maybe when I get back, okay? Well, hey, what's the project? Maybe I can help.
It's a Claymation movie about the Ice Age killing off all the animals.
Oh.
The dramatic ending is a woolly mammoth fighting a giant sloth to the death.
Just a pitch here, but you might get more drama if your big fight isn't between two of the slowest-moving animals that ever walked the face of the earth.
Okay, sit down.
- I did some quick preliminary estimates.
- Mm-hmm.
Why are you wearing my Bears jersey? Because my top was covered in toxic mold.
What a time for my mom not to be around.
Could've gone home and given her a big hug of death.
All right, here's the good news.
The mold is not deadly.
- Thank God! - Yes! But I still have to open all the walls, and even if I don't charge you, there's still my crew, materials.
Here's the bad news.
That's my entire life savings.
Holy crap! Why don't we just put the wall back up and pretend nothing is wrong? We did that with the gas smell in the laundry room, and that eventually went away.
Well, the building would collapse on all the customers.
That's the kind of thing they tend to mention in a Yelp review.
Now, you really only have two choices here do the repairs or walk away.
I don't I'm gonna call Sandy Bitensky and ask him to hold the article until I can figure out what the hell I'm gonna do.
This is why I always expect the worst.
It's like a shield I hold up to keep away hopes and dreams.
This time, I lowered my shield, and a dream came along and kicked me right in the crotch! That's why when I dream, I always wear a cup.
You should check in with Louise, see if you can get your old job back for now.
I'll try, but she already replaced me.
You know if you ever thought about throwing one to Louise, now would be a good time.
Sorry.
I promised myself I'd never again use this body for financial gain.
Oh.
Well, that'll be up to you.
Who is it? It's Darlene Harris' mom.
Hi.
Harris doesn't want to see you.
Look, um, just let me talk to my daughter.
No way.
Uh, excuse me.
This is my house.
This isn't some kid's room you can barge into.
Well, I'm worried about Harris, okay? She's only 17.
She's not texting me back.
All I need to do is see her to know that she's okay.
When she wants to talk, she'll call you.
You should go.
All right, look.
Let's just talk woman to woman, okay? Someday, you might have kids, and I would hate for you to feel this kind of Hyah! Harris! Come out here right now! I need to talk to you! Uh, you're embarrassing yourself.
Yeah, that's my edge.
I have no dignity at all.
Okay, we're done.
Bye.
Harris! Harris! Man.
You're pretty strong for a weed hoe.
Uh, I'll have one of everything.
That would literally kill you.
You want to go alphabetical or by alcohol content? Look, you don't like me, and it's no secret that I think you're a man-grabbing, self-centered bee-yatch.
Um Maybe they're connected.
I don't know.
But I need a favor.
It's not a big thing.
I just need to see three months of the restaurant's receipts and your overhead versus your profits for the third quarter.
And I'm kind of in a hurry! I can't show you that.
The owner will fire me.
Come on, I just wanna know if the Lunch Box can survive for the first three months with no working capital.
You can't compare the two restaurants.
Look, if yours catches on, you'll be fine.
If it doesn't, you won't.
So, your little pearl of wisdom is, if I'm successful, I'll do well? Thank you! Continue to hate you! How'd it go? I bathed her in charm.
Nothing.
Hey, it's your lucky day! Look who's back and ready to work! Well, here's a tip ask for the favor first, then insult me.
I need my old job back.
Dummy! Like that? What are we doing here? Look, I can't give you your old job.
I already hired somebody.
Okay.
I was prepared for that.
What if we stay open and serve alcohol till 4:00 a.
m.
? I'd be the only waitress, and I'll need one short-order cook.
The rest is money in the bank.
Well I know you're up against it, so Okay.
I'll give it a shot.
But at that time of night, you really think we're gonna have customers? Let's be honest, Louise.
We've both put a few away in our time.
It's 2:00 a.
m.
, Doug says you can't sleep over, and you want to keep your buzz going till the other Doug texts you back.
But the bars are closed, so you end up in your car, drinking out of a bag, eating bean dip with your fingers at a gas station.
Am I right? Well you change "Doug" to "Craig" and, uh, the bean dip to "Jerry" and, uh yeah.
I've been there.
Hey! Hey.
Easy on that door.
It's half termites.
- What are you doing? - Shh, shh, shh! Damn, it's not this one.
I assume things didn't go well with Harris.
I told you not to let her go over there.
Oh, you think I really need to hear that? You don't think I regret it? Look, Odessa wouldn't even let me in the damn house.
Now it's coming from the kitchen! I mean this in the most positive way.
If you bump this table, we will have to kill you.
I can't believe you stayed to help Mark.
- Thank you.
- This movie is going to be epic.
Yeah, it's all good.
Except for the 30-minute "a woolly mammoth wouldn't do that" discussion.
It wouldn't.
Harris okay? I never even got to see her.
I mean, I-I don't know what I'm gonna do.
If something happens to her, I will never forgive myself.
Okay.
It's time to stop playing games.
We have to go over and get her.
What, you mean go in there and drag her out by her hair? Yes.
And I've only got two hours left on my Aleve, so if we're going, we better go now.
Look, it's none of my business, but if you guys go charging in there, that's breaking and entering.
He's got a point.
Yeah, it's safer if the cops do it.
Besides, I might have a couple of strikes out against me there.
For brawling in me younger days.
Now it's coming from the living room! It doesn't make sense! Ooh! Almost ready! I can't believe it's almost opening day! Where the hell is Becky and the kids? Oh, one second! Jackie.
Oh, my God.
The mold turned into Mom! Aah! Jackie! Jackie! No, go away! You're ruining the grand opening! Jackie, you're going to fail.
You've never supported me! No! Don't go! I just have some mother issues to deal with, and I'll get this cleaned up in a minute! There's a reason there are no stew restaurants.
Your selfish need for happiness has jeopardized the entire family.
I didn't mean it.
I just wanted to be happy.
But I'm ruining everything! Ohh, God.
Hey.
Hey, Sandy, thanks for calling me back.
Um I'm not gonna open the restaurant.
I don't have the money.
Uh, I thought it'd be a good thing for this town, but I'm probably the only one who cares.
No, I don't have five friends interested in skin care.
Come on! What is taking the police so long? Well, they found an arm in the park yesterday.
They're probably following up on that.
Ah, finally! - Darlene Conner? - Yeah.
This is the building apartment C.
Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but you should immediately Tase the dead-eyed blonde who answers the door.
Is your daughter in danger of being hurt, hurting herself, or hurting others? No, but I-I just need to talk to her.
I understand.
But here's how it usually goes.
I go in, there's yelling, I take the kid home, she runs away again.
But this time, she's so pissed at you, she goes somewhere you can't find her.
Still want me to go in? All right.
Um I-I guess you can go.
Good luck.
So, what? I can't drag her out of there but I can't leave her in there? What am I supposed to do? Well, you know, they always say "If you raised them right" That's not a comforting thought in the Conner family.
Have you heard from her school? No.
Why? 'Cause that means she's going.
And if she's being responsible about that, she's probably being responsible about other things.
Right? All right, we should leave.
No.
Harris! I need you to come to the window and talk to me! Right now, I don't know if you're scrolling through Instagram with headphones on or if you're wacked out on meth! I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said "Wacked out on meth.
" I don't want your neighbors to think you're on meth.
I mean, even if you were on meth, I wouldn't say "meth" so loud.
Stop saying "meth"! Oh, crap.
You can't be screaming out here like that at 2:00 in the morning.
You're disturbing the peace.
She's fine.
I think she just had to get it out of her system.
Right? Thank you.
I-I cannot leave here without talking to her.
I swear to God, I will have a breakdown.
Go ahead.
I'll bail you out.
- Ohh, you're the best.
- I know.
Harris! I'm your mother, and I love you! All right? I mean, all your life, I've known if you were safe, I've known where you are.
I can't live like this.
All right? You gotta talk to me, please! Just send me a signal! Open and close the blinds if you're eating! I washed your comforter! All right.
Hands behind your back.
Really? Don't you have 3/4 of a person to find? Mom! What is wrong with you? I-I was just trying to talk to you.
Step back.
I'm fine.
I'm not gonna answer every time you call.
You gotta stop freaking out.
When you get out of the big house, text me.
We'll talk, okay? - I love you.
- Love you, too.
I thought she looked good! - She looked good, right? - Oh, yeah.
Here's to me failing again.
This time, I failed before I even tried.
That's progress.
No, no, sorry.
We're not open.
But if those are kittens, I'd love to pet them and cry for a minute.
- Jackie Harris? - Yeah? My grandmother just died.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did I have something to do with it? No.
Uh, she collected tablecloths.
Figured you could use them and save some money.
If you open, we'll be here.
Ohh.
Did you see this? Sandy basically wrote a love letter to this place and asked for people to come out and help.
That explains the tablecloths.
Now we know what killed Grandma.
There's a ton of people on Lanford forums saying they want the Lunch Box back.
Oh, no! Hey! Hold on! What are you doing? We saw an article in the paper about how you might not open the Lunch Box.
We're hoping you'll change your mind.
Oh, well, isn't that the nice I can't accept this.
You have to.
My wife wants to park in the garage.
Well, tell her I said "Thank you.
" I don't get it! Why are people doing this? I just think the people in this town need to see somebody get a win.
Look at all these cars pulling up! I think these could be future customers.
When I ran the numbers, I didn't think this many people would be interested, but we might be able to squeak by.
Well, what do you want to do? Put this baby on Craigslist or open up a restaurant? We're gonna open up a restaurant! Yeah! - Whoo! - Yeah! To hell with those Bev zombies coming through the wall! We'll fix her after we open the restaurant! Come on in! Hey! Hi! That is so nice of you! Oh, my goodness! Thank you! Here you go, ladies.
Girl! If you're gonna be up this late, you'd make more money stripping.
How are your boobs? I've been asked that three times tonight, but you're the first girl.
Hey.
Can't talk.
Whatever's happening out there, this is where they're sending the wounded.
Well, I came by 'cause I was worried about you being alone.
I didn't expect to see the "Star Wars" cantina.
Isn't it great? I've already made $30 in singles from the stripper table.
And that guy over there bleeding said that if he dies, there's an envelope in his pocket I can keep.
How sweet is that?