The Critic s02e08 Episode Script

1 This just in: The state of California has just officially changed its name to: "State of emergency.
" It stinks.
That's our show for tonight.
Next week we'll be reviewing tom cruise's sequel to interview with a vampire, entitled: A few good monsters.
Son, I hear music.
I don't remember giving permission for a party.
Well, uh, dad, uh And I hope you're looking after your brother Raymond.
5 minutes till munsters.
5 minutes till munsters.
Gotta see Herman.
Gotta see Herman.
Gotta see Herman.
Hey, Marty, what brings you here? I'm running for class president, and dad's going to help me write my speech.
The castle's a mess, the wolfman messed up the carpet, and I think your brother Raymond is drunk.
I'm an excellent flyer.
Should've taken qantas.
Now, Marty, when you run for president, you've got to sell yourself.
What makes you stand out from the other kids? Uh, I I ate my dissected frog.
That's my boy.
I once ate the sheep from a nativity scene.
But I don't think that'll get you many votes.
I don't know what to tell you, dad.
I'm just an average kid.
That's your angle.
You're the average kid.
The kid of the people.
Why, they'll lap it up like cheap booze at drew Barrymore's sweet 16 party.
Dad, don't you need some paper? It'll just slow me down.
Now, Doris, we're going to junior high today Let the makeup begin! Principal mangosuthu, do you know what those kids are doing? I have no idea.
Welcome to the united nations school 8th grade election.
Our candidates are Martin sherman, zoltan vellimirovich Hello.
And Michael dukakis.
I thought I would start small, uh, with an election, uh, I could win.
You suck.
Ow.
Our first candidate is Martin sherman.
Hi.
I'm Marty sherman.
I'm not royalty like my friend faisal.
And I can't offer you a vacation in the South pacific like my easter island friend.
I can't do those things because I'm just a regular kid.
I'm the regular kid candidate.
Hmm.
If I'm elected, I'll work hard and build the best homecoming float ever.
Vote for me, the regular kid.
El nino normale! Tubo ka cha! Pug nar.
Krish krosh.
Marty! Marty! Marty! Come on, come on.
Hey! Marty! Marty! Marty won by a landslide.
You wrote a great speech.
Mighty impressive.
You know, all this talk of running for office has set me to thinking.
That's it! I'll run for president, drop a whole mess of bombs and put merle haggard on the supreme court.
I've made up my mind.
I'm going to run for president.
But you're not a politician.
You're a businessman.
All the better.
I made a multinational media conglomerate out of a humble fried chicken franchise.
I'd like a number 7.
Extra crispy.
Cornbread or hot buttered biscuit? Uh, biscuit.
You carry buttered biscuits in your pants? Yes.
Oh! You're talking to him? Ha! Now, Jay, when I run for president, you are going to be my speechwriter.
Me? I'm not a speechwriter.
You did darn good with your boy.
You know, you think like the average Joe.
The little guy making $300,000 a year.
The average Joe doesn't make $300,000 can I have an advance on my $300,000? No problem.
So long, suckers.
I'm sorry.
This is a no smoking island.
Oy, gevalt! Give me one good reason why I should be your speechwriter.
Hey, look, when I'm elected, you can have any office you want, except in the army.
They're still shy about the gay thing.
I'm not gay.
Hmm.
I'm tempted, but I I don't know.
Can Duke really be president? Can he be trusted with nuclear weapons? We trust him with the ones he has now.
Besides, it's not that hard a job.
I played a president in a movie once.
Who are you? My name is Monroe.
James Monroe.
And here's a taste of the Monroe doctrine.
Welcome to the era of good feelings.
Oh, James.
Mmm.
Marty! Marty! Marty! Thank you, thank you.
I just want to say that under my administration it is not going to be all fun and games.
We're going to work, too.
Work? Let's get our heinies out of here.
But we're supposed to make flowers for the homecoming float.
We'll help you, son.
I just don't know what to do about Duke's campaign.
It's a great opportunity, but I'm afraid he may stand for the wrong things.
Well then, you tell him what to stand for.
You're a good man.
What did I tell you to say? Thank you for the pizza, Mr.
sherman.
Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life.
There was this one boy back in college dealt drugs, went to jail yet today he's the star of home improvement.
And I think with you behind him, Duke could accomplish great things, too.
Well, thanks, but maybe I should think about this some more.
Don't listen to this.
Listen to this.
You want me to listen to my stomach? No, silly.
Your heart.
No one ever listens to me.
Jay, if I can't make up your mind, maybe these gentlemen can.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Duke Phillips.
You made him say that.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you'll never fool good old Duke Phillips.
Eh, eh? I'm Bill Clinton.
I urge you to work for Duke Phillips.
That's not Clinton.
That's just one of your mechanical hillbilly bears.
Yeah, but so far nobody's noticed.
Look, I'll write your speeches, but I have 2 conditions.
First, no rewriting.
Second, we must be honest with the public at all times.
Done and done.
Hey, where'd she come from? I, er, built her out of John Quincy Adams and Herbert hoover.
Hi, I'm, uh, I'm tom snyder.
Our first guest is billionaire Duke Phillips.
Duke, uh, Duke, what's new? Tom, I'm running for president.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
You know, back in my day, we had, uh, we had president coolidge, there.
And, uh, they used to say, "keep cool with coolidge.
" And, uh, and we did.
We, uh, we kept pretty cool back then.
Uh, now now, why are you running? Well, because it's time we had a president who's not beholden to special interests.
I'm a self-made billionaire.
The only person who can bribe me is a bazillionaire.
And I am the first candidate to call for Arnold Schwarzenegger to be tarred and feathered.
I wrote that speech.
Well, duh.
Jay, son, your speech went over great.
Judy, how many calls have we gotten? A million and a half and they all support you.
When they call, try to sell them our 12-volume history of Western meat.
Uh, volume 1, pressed ham, is free for 30 days.
And the cover's made of pressed ham.
No, it's not.
Oh.
Duke Phillips' recent announcement has the other candidates scrambling to adopt Duke's positions.
Today, president Clinton signed a bill into law calling for the tarring and feathering of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'll be "bawk!" Uh, Mr.
Phillips, you received an urgent call from senator Bob dole.
Yee-ha! I've got the Republicans running scared.
I'm gonna be the next Ross perot.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
Stockdale, if we don't deliver this pizza in 30 minutes, it's free.
What's the holdup? Gridlock.
Bob dole.
Good to meet you, Duke.
I'm Dan quayle.
I got to go boom boom.
Bob, I'm thinking of running as a republican.
That nomination is mine.
If you interfere I'll release this tape.
Pretty kitty calico All right, I'll run as an independent.
Oh, how am I ever going to get this to look like this? I don't know, son.
But you've got to try.
It's what you promised the other kids.
But all they wanna do is goof off and eat candy.
Well, son, as president, you're above that.
I do solemnly swear that as your president I will goof off and eat candy.
4 more years! 4 more years! I believe Americans have the right to bear arms except for vicious cop-killing assault rifles.
Bazooka Duke says: Chew on this! Hey! L'Chaim! L'Chaim! I promise you zombies more raw human flesh than any president since Roosevelt.
Uh, Doris, what are you doing here? Looking for a husband.
So, vote for Duke.
God, I've never felt such power.
I really think we can get everything we want.
More teachers in the schools, longer hours for the library.
You know what else is great? Since I started writing speeches for Duke, everyone takes my phone calls.
Watch.
Jay sherman for princess di.
Hello.
Hey, princess.
Oh, Jay.
Here's a jolly old raspberry for you.
Oh, look, here's the queen.
Hello, Jay.
Have I got a rude noise for you! Ooh, that was me Christmas pudding.
Welcome to the united nations school homecoming parade.
First, the float from Singapore.
I'm worried, dad.
No one ever helped me, and I couldn't finish the float by myself.
I'm sure you did fine.
It's a giant horse's ass.
You're watching fox.
Give us 10 minutes, we'll give you an ass.
Next, the float from easter island.
Big whoop.
Up next is the 8th graders' float built by class president Martin sherman.
The theme is: A flaming horse's patoot! Yeah! Marty! Marty! Marty! You're a hit, son.
And nothing of value was lost.
Sir, the polls show you're doing great with voters across the board, except women.
Do they vote? Yes, we do.
Really? Well, what about the Irish? Them, too.
Uh-oh, better change these posters.
Good idea, sir.
Oh, and about women, their problem is they think because you're not married, you're not much of a family man.
Oh, that's no problem.
I got to get me a wife, someone sweet, someone America loves.
I'd like you all to meet my new wife, everybody's favorite t.
V.
Mom, June Lockhart.
Ms.
Lockhart, why did you agree to marry Duke Phillips? Because he agreed to bring everybody back who was lost in space, even Dr.
Smith.
Mr.
Phillips, what do you say to those who claim this marriage is just an outrageous publicity stunt? I say, gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye.
Is there a follow-up question? How may I serve you, evil one? Listen, Duke, I'm starting to have my doubts about this whole campaign.
The phony June Lockhart wedding.
The unmotivated Irish bashing.
Your use of the evil eye.
Look, son, I know you have your doubts, but I'll tell you what.
I'll let you make your own movie.
Ah, hell, you can even star in it.
I know just the project: Goodfellas ii.
Aw, man, we got to bury this thing.
It smells terrible.
Hi, guy.
Mamma Mia! Well, it is tempting.
That's my boy.
Now, I need you to write me a new speech.
The Guam primary is next week.
Well, besides wanting to win, what exactly do you want to do for these people? Hell, I don't even know what to call them.
Guambats.
The guamish.
Guammi bears.
Maybe you shouldn't enter that primary.
Besides, don't you need a running mate? Way ahead of you, chub monster.
I've got just the man.
He's a former ambassador, cabinet member, ex-governor of New York.
Oh oh, wait, now.
You you don't mean Son, I'm going to be vice president, and I'm going to be honest with the American people.
I'm not going to wear this toupee anymore.
Dad, you don't wear a toupee.
I will from now on.
Welcome to decision '96.
It's 18 months till the election, and tonight, we'll focus on the vice-presidential candidates.
Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from baywatch.
Help, help! An octopus stole my bikini top.
I'll get it, but first I'd better put on my octopus repellent.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
That's good octopus repellent.
Dad, for the last time, are you sure you want to run for vice president? Jay, can I do a worse job than spiro agnew? Or Aaron burr? Or William Rufus de vane king? He died in Cuba 6 weeks after being sworn in.
Well, maybe you do know what you're doing.
Yeah.
Now let's rob that bank.
Our candidates are now entering the studio.
Vice president Al Gore, republican candidate rich dull wasp, and former governor of New York, Franklin sherman.
Governor sherman, an opening statement? As the first black female head of the ku klux klan, I'd like to say America stinks! This may hurt us more than it helps us.
And governor sherman, what would you do in the case of nuclear attack? Then you sprinkle the chicken liberally with old spice.
Jay, your father's going to cost me the election! I want you to write me a speech where I kick the old coot off the ticket.
I can't do that.
He's my father.
Quack, quack.
Quack, quack.
Well, I'll think about it.
I entered this thing with high ideals, and now Duke wants me to stab my own dad in the back.
Jay, sit on my lap.
Get off my lap! But it's so comfortable.
Jay, maybe your father shouldn't be vice-president, but you shouldn't be the one who has to break his heart.
Now let's take a look at the new musical from Francis Ford coppola: Apocalypse wow! watch me do a hula dance he's not so bad he's a God, man - Vote for Duke! - Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Get that off my show.
Don't lip off to me, fyvush finkel.
And where the hell's my speech? I'm not giving you that speech.
My loyalty is to my father.
Fine, I don't need you anymore.
I don't need any of you.
I'm Duke Phillips and from now on, I'm speaking my own mind.
First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president: I'll run this country like I run my company.
I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ooh! Looks like reaganomics is making a comeback.
Half of you states are in the toilet.
And you're not coming out.
New York, you know what I'm talking about.
California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye.
New england, you're going back to old england.
Ooh, I don't want that.
More poison? I mean, tea? Ah, don't mind if I do.
You almost had me there.
Well, that's my speech.
Now, if you'll excuse me, i have to put on some leather and go get spanked.
Vote for Duke.
Good night.
Hi, June.
How'd you like my speech? Duke, I want a divorce.
You're a terrible man, you'd be an awful president, and you never had any intention of bringing back the people who were lost in space.
I did bring back that extraterrestrial.
Hello.
Ew, sic him, Lassie! Down, girl, down.
Bite him where it hurts.
Well, that's our show for tonight, folks.
We didn't review many movies but tune in next week when we have gentle Ben maul newt gingrich.
Good night, everybody.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
Get away, zitface.
Shh!