The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e08 Episode Script

Hey, Drew.
Hey, take a look at this.
- What's that?
- It's a tattoo.
Really scary skeleton
riding a motorcycle.
Lewis, you're scared
of motorcycles.
Eh, I'm scared of tattoos too.
That's why I drew it on.
- What'd you do that for?
- Everyone's doin' it.
I wanted to look, you know, hip.
Oh, man, you're crazy tryin'
to keep up with all that stuff.
I mean, what is hip?
[instrumental music]
Shup shup shup
shup shup ♪
Shup shup shut up shut up ♪
Shup shup shup
shup shup ♪
Shut it up shut it up ♪
Shup shup shup
shup shup ♪
Shup shup shut up shut up ♪
Shup shup shup
shup shup ♪
Party ♪
Party ♪
You've got to give it
what you got for party people ♪
Go on and have a good time ♪
Yeah hey ♪
Party's where is at.. ♪
Go on and have a good time ♪
Alright ♪
Soak it down people ♪
Just move your body
'round people ♪
Just groove and party ♪
Sit down people ♪
Stand up and party ♪
And got what wanted
life to live ♪
Gotta try and enjoy yourself ♪
Ain't nothing wrong
with having some fun yow!♪
Shut it up shut it up ♪
[instrumental music]
[all cheering]
Man, this place is packed.
What's the big deal?
Oh, it's the Warsaw's first
annual Latin music night.
I just had the biggest plate
of polar sausage
black beans and guacamole.
And the fuse is lit.
Hey, I thought it was Latin
night not Pig Latin night.
Hey, Mimi, I always wondered
what made the bulls run.
Ola.
[speaking Spanish]
[speaking Spanish]
After the dance,
does he get your ear?
[speaking Spanish]
Hey, Lewis, you got the guts to
show Drew some of our new moves?
Yeah, how's that dance class
comin' along?
Oh, it's workin' out great.
You know, I took the class
to meet new people.
How many people
have I met, Kate?
Hey, you know, it's your fault,
you're scaring them away.
You don't go up
to a woman and say
"Hey, grab your socks,
we're gonna doggy dance."
- Hey, guys.
- How you doin'?
Oh, if that's what's comin'
out of the chimney
I don't wanna know
what's in the furnace.
Listen, I'm starved.
Now that Bonnie's here,
let's go get some decent food.
Oh, thanks, but we're just gonna
have a quick beer here
and, uh probably go back
to Drew's place.
You know, uh, we always
go back to my place.
For once, let's just go to
a real fancy restaurant.
You know, some place we can
get out our car to eat.
Wait a minute,
let me get this straight.
Bonnie likes to get fast food
and go back to your place?
Drew, she asks you to pull
her finger, put a ring on it.
Listen, uh, would you guys
get outta here?
Oh, I see what the problem is.
You're afraid if she she sees
me dance, she'll be mine.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah.
Look, I, um,
I appreciate you worrying
about me spending my money and
everything, but I'm not broke.
I know that, I'm just
a low maintenance gal.
Give me a spork
and a wet-nap and I'm happy.
Hey, let's pick a song.
That's our song. I mean,
we've been dating for two weeks.
I think it's time we get one.
What about, uh,
"Everlasting Love."
- "Everlasting Love?"
- Mm-hmm.
Gee, I don't know,
it's a lot of pressure.
Oh, hey, how about "The Streak?"
There's a whole side
of Ray Stevens' songs here.
Oh, yeah, we're in some
crazy little corner
of heaven, aren't we?
You know what, you-you can't
just pick a song.
It's got be music that's playing
during a special moment.
Well, you know maybe, maybe
this could be a special moment.
I was thinkin'
maybe we could just, you know,
like, see each other.
You mean, not date anybody else?
Yeah, I promise
I won't get rejected
by any other woman
while I'm seein' you.
- So..
- So this is a big step, Drew.
Yeah, but the last two weeks
have been so great.
You know I..
Whenever you're not around
I see your face,
it just makes me smile.
(male #1)
'Hey, this damn machine
ate my quarter.'
Open up, you piece of crap.
See, now I'll never
be able to hear that
without thinkin' about you.
[instrumental music]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Came up with
a Christmas promotion.
Buzz beer-nog. Huh?
Mmm.
Good.
Oh, yeah?
Take another sip.
Not if my mother's eyes
depended on it.
Hey, how 'bout this?
The Buzz Beer
Christmas tree ornament.
Hey.
After you're done with the beer
you just hang it on the tree.
- That's a great idea.
- I know.
I could just picture
Christmas morning.
The kids runnin' downstairs,
their eyes all look glow.
Oh, look how beautiful the tree
looks with all those bottles.
And look what's under
the tree. It's daddy.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I brought these,
these back from the Warsaw.
The rest of 'em are
out in the yard.
- 'Great.'
- Check this out.
Oh, yeah, Oswald,
Wonder Woman called.
She wants her belt back.
Actually, I won the first global
parcel inter-mural boxing title.
- Hey!
- 'Alright.'
Wait a second. Since when
did delivery guys box?
Well, we got a lot of ex-postal
workers, Donna Global and..
there's been
a lot of tension.
So they started
the "Gloves, Not Guns" program.
Hey, who'd you fight
for the championship?
Joe 'Special Delivery' Lupo.
And you are?
'Careful, Do Not Bend' Oswald.
Joe's gonna be here any minute.
He's such a good loser.
He's takin' me out
to a victory dinner.
If he's a really good sport
he'd take out your manager, too.
- Who's my manager?
- Me.
Oh.
So, Drew, what'd you and Bonnie
end up doin' last night?
Well, we had fast food again
and went back to my place.
Now even the drive through guys
are startin' to recognize us.
You know how embarrassing it is
when a 14 year old kid
in a paper hat
calls you a cheap bastard?
Well, if she's gonna make
that big a deal about it
surprise her, don't give her
the chance to say no.
Hey, how about you make
her a special dinner?
I know a meatloaf you can make
with two Big Macs
and a bottle of ketchup.
Oh.
Yeah, if you mow the lawn, you
can have a nice salad with that.
Hey, you know,
dinner's a great idea.
I can go all out.
The most expensive food,
romantic music, tuxedo.
- Big can of wine.
- Yeah.
Hey, you know I can get you
a specimen cart from Drug Co.
To keep the food warm.
Yeah, yo-you can heat six dishes
and restrain a monkey,
if you have to.
Hey, excuse me,
I'm lookin' for..
- Hey, Oswald.
- Hey, Joe.
Everybody this is Joe Lupo, hey.
- Hey.
- Watch out, come on, come on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, you ready to go, champ?
I got reservations at Sammy's
and then afterwards
we're seein' "Space Jam."
Wow, cool, alright.
Oh, then I guess,
we're not seeing that together.
Oh, I'm sorry, Lewis.
I'll tell you what.
I'll see it again with you,
buddy. How about that?
- Okay.
- You're right, very clingy.
Yeah. Okay, see you later.
- 'Bye.'
- See ya.
So you-you guys doin' anything?
No, why?
Could you take me
to the hospital
'cause I'm wavin'
at you right now
and it just ain't happenin'.
[instrumental music]
Okay, let's see. Oh, yeah,
light the candles.
What's this?
"Property of Drug Co.
Do not expose to light."
- Room service.
- Drew, what are you doin'?
Uh, no, yo-you can't be here,
get out. Get out.
I don't care if the place
is a little messy.
This is our special night,
and it's my treat.
Hey, what's this?
Steve.
This is my husband, Steve.
My husband.
And this is..
- This is..
- The caterer.
(Bonnie)
The caterer, yes.
Um, he's come to serve us
dinner. Surprise.
- Aww.
- Yeah, surprise.
He's another surprise,
the caterer drinks.
Wow, look at all this food.
God, it must be good, 'cause
it looks to me like somebody
has been eatin' a little
too much of his own cookin', uh?
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
Oh, how 'bout some champagne?
Oh, look, somebody made me
a note in a shape of a heart.
I'll read that for you.
It's all part of the service.
No, no, no.
Says here, "Roses are red,
and here's tonight's feature.
Please be my school girl,
and I'll be your teacher."
Okay.
Well, since we're stayin' in
I guess I better
get ready to do my..
[clears throat]
homework.
I'll be right back.
Oh, I'm sorry, uh,
may I be excused, teach?
I don't know how this exclusive
dating thing works with you.
But it usually means
no husbands.
Drew, I-I tried to tell you, but
I never found the right time.
Oh, really?
Well, here's a little thought.
"Nice to meet you." Right time.
"Would you like to go back
to my place?" Right time.
"Would you like
to have sex?" Right time.
Drew, try to understand.
Okay, I just wanna
get outta here.
Hey, what are you doin'?
Tryin' to steal my woman, huh?
No, actually we've been
dating for weeks.
[laughing]
You know, I love this guy.
Go serve the appetizers, huh?
Actually you're all set up,
so I'm just gonna..
Hey, wait a minute. How much
do I have to to pay you
to get you to stay and, uh..
make breakfast.
Well, tell you what,
I'll turn on the gas
but I won't guarantee
I'll cook anything.
Honey, I-I can set it up,
let him go.
Alright.
Thanks, pal.
Oh, and, uh, here's the ten
I promised you.
Wow, gee, thanks, mister.
Oh, whipped you up
a special dessert.
It's another little glass dish
marked test group A.
Enjoy.
[instrumental music]
Could you tell Mr. Wick
I have Wilson here?
Sir, your 12 o'clock is here.
What, sourpuss?
I don't want to talk about it.
Hey, I know what'll turn
that frown upside down.
Why don't you just
jump out the window?
Hats everyone.
- Do we have to?
- That's an order.
Don your party hat.
What's the occasion?
We're having a little going away
party for Wilson here.
W-Wil-Wilson's
not going anywhere.
Oh, yes, he is.
He parked in spot yesterday.
Surprise, you're fired.
No, I'm only kidding.
Blow off those candles
and you can keep your job.
Well, I think we know
where this is going.
Hey, Drew,
you ready for lunch?
No, I've been eatin' all day.
Bonnie's married.
She met someone last night?
No, she's been married
this whole time.
I can't believe I was actually
startin' to fall for her.
I don't believe it.
She's married
and she never told you?
That's a sin.
That's one of the bad ones.
All this time
I've been the other man.
You're the other man?
Who is she married to?
"The elephant man?"
[laughing]
Hey.
Hey, guys. What's goin' on?
Drew's dating a married woman.
Bonnie married?
'Woah.'
Drew, you big dope.
There must've been some clues.
There were no clues,
except for her husband.
- Oh.
- New shirt?
Yeah, Joe got it for me.
- Joe got it for you?
- 'Yeah.'
He knows that I'm low on cash,
so he takes me out to dinner.
He takes me to the movies.
He buys me nice things.
But don't get off the subject.
We're talking about
how oblivious Drew is.
(Kate)
'Yeah.'
Are we all agreed on this?
- You're dating.
- What?
Oswald, he's dressing you,
you're dating him.
No.
- No.
- Yeah.
Oswald, how much
did that shirt cost?
Well, it's pretty expensive,
but Joe said..
Oh, my God, I'm dating a guy.
Oh, my God, we're supposed
to go camping this weekend.
I'm guessing, 'Special Delivery'
Joe has a package for you.
[instrumental music]
You're awful quite today.
Listen, uh,
about this camping trip.
I don't think I can make it.
Why not?
'CauseI'm not gay.
What are you talkin' about?
We've been going out for a week.
You've been goin' out,
I've just been gettin' gifts.
Oh, I don't believe this.
You sent me all those signals.
No, I never
sent you any signals.
You asked me out to coffee,
you wrote me notes.
You were chatty.
I love to gossip over coffee.
I got it from my mom. Okay?
I don't believe this.
To think I let you
win that boxing match.
What?
Oh, come on, Oswald,
you're as slow as an ox.
I threw the fight.
Why?
Well, just couldn't
hit that pretty face.
Aww. Hey!
Well, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to lead you on.
It's okay.
Was a misunderstanding.
- So, we're still friends?
- Yeah.
[laughing]
- Are we still going camping?
- No!
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'Listen, I know this is
kind of a heavy question.'
But I-I didn't have
anyone else to call.
Is it still adultery if one
of the people doesn't know?
Uh-huh. Yeah,
in the eyes of God.
Uh-huh. Oh, man. Thanks.
I feel so much better.
So hey, let's make that
a large pepperoni
and some of that cheesy bread.
Yeah, you know the address.
Bye.
[knock on door]
- Hi, Drew.
- Gee, Bonnie.
You kinda caught me at a bad
time, I was just about to take
the wife and kids
out for a picnic.
I feel terrible about this.
Well, you should,
'cause according to
"Antonio's Pizzeria",
you're goin' to hell.
Look, my marriage was a mess
and you and I were having
such a good time.
I didn't know what I wanted.
Listen, I-I-I just can't
do this, Bonnie, okay?
I can't date a married woman.
And don't try to rationalize
it, because according
to "Chicken On The Run,"
they're no shades of grey
when it comes to morality.
I know that,
I-I shouldn't have done it.
But we really were
about to get a divorce.
Were?
Well, yeah.
Your dinner kinda
opened things up.
So that we could talk.
Oh, good.
Then my little plan worked.
See, I was gonna find
a beautiful woman.
Date her for a couple of weeks.
And then convince her
to get back with her husband.
You know why?
Because I'm "Shmuck Man."
Saving marriages across
the country at my own expense.
"Shmuck Man!"
I should go.
My husband got violently
ill after the dessert.
I'm sorry, Drew.
Thank you, "Shmuck Man."
No need to thank me, ma'am.
It's all a day's work.
Hey, buddy, the plans
are cancelled.
So I thought I'd come by
and see what you're up to.
Just eatin' and drinkin'.
That's what I thought.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Just broke up with Bonnie.
Man, I hate break ups.
Me, too. Joe and I just..
Nah, you know it.
How'd he take it?
It was hard on him.
You know, for a while there,
I was on a roll.
Was datin' Lisa,
then I was datin' Bonnie.
I was on a roll, too.
Apparently I was dating
three guys at work.
Hey, you know what we should do?
What?
We should get out there
and meet some new women.
Between the two of us,
I'll bet by closing time
we can have ten numbers
and I'll bet ya
one of 'em is gonna be real.
Alright. Hey, I heard of
a new bar over in Lake Wood.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
It supposed to be really great.
But you gotta dress
like a cowboy.
Hey, listen,
I'm waitin' for pizza.
Why don't you just go down
and I'll meet you there?
- Okay.
- Okay.
He's gotta figure
this one out for himself.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]