The Exes (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

I cannot believe you're actually piling your dirty dishes on top of a pile of alreadydirty dishes.
Danger, danger.
Angry wife in the house.
I got this one.
Honey, your butt looks great in those jeans.
Of course it does.
I spin.
Uh, don't change the subject.
Look.
Look at this place.
It's a pigsty.
Haven't you even noticed? Well, it's hard to notice anything with you rockin' those Levis.
Stop.
All right, we've noticed.
But we figured you'd get around to cleaning up.
Like you always do.
Hmm.
No.
No, like I always did.
The old Stuart would have suffered in silence and continued cleaning while secretly building resentment to the point where our sex life became nonexistent.
You do realize we were joking about the jeans, right? Okay, look.
Look, you know what I mean.
Which is why I took action and hired a housekeeper.
Mm-hmm, her name is Amelia, she starts this morning, we're all chipping in.
End of story.
Look at you taking charge like a big boy.
- Okay, I'm in.
- All right.
Well, I don't like it.
I mean, this is my office.
I don't want some stranger hovering over me while I'm conducting international business.
You're playing video golf.
Yes.
With a client in Tokyo, and afterwards, we're going out for virtual drinks.
We lost our homes we lost our wives three strangers, what we gonna do? our divorce lawyer said she'll put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken where we turn when we finally learn Good morning.
Guess what I know that you don't know.
Well, you better not be going into labor, because we got a full day.
Paul came back to work today, and he's on his way down to see you.
You're kidding.
Oh, I better go get ready to look nonchalant.
This is your chance to finally find out if Paul's into you.
I know, but he's so impossible to read.
I thought he was maybe making the moves on me that time we were working late at my apartment.
But then he had to go and have a stupid heart attack.
Well, get ready.
He's gonna be here any second.
Okay, w-w-wait.
Which pose is better? At the desk, so that I can casually look up and say, "oh, Paul, hi"? Or walking around like I'm deep in thought so that I can make a dramatic turn, like, "oh, Paul, hi"? Is there a third choice? Oh, Paul, hi! Look at you.
You're beautiful.
Well, I just threw this on.
Pregnancy really agrees with you.
So you're the surrogate for the boss and his wife.
That's very exciting stuff.
- And Holly.
- Yes? Hello.
Hello, Paul.
Good-bye, Eden.
You look great, Paul.
I feel great.
After my little ticker incident, I had an epiphany.
So I went to Hawaii to take stock and reflect.
Then one idyllic day, I was walking along a white sand beach, when I stepped on a jellyfish, got stung by a bee, and hit on the head with a coconut.
Which led to my second epiphany.
Get the hell out of Hawaii.
Oh! Holly, before I left, I picked this up for you.
- For me? - Yeah.
Oh, Paul.
It's beautiful.
Makes me feel so special.
Look what Paul left on my desk.
I got them for all the women in the office.
The men got ukuleles.
They just make you smile.
So you got them for everyone.
That's great.
Holly, you and I have something unresolved we need to talk about.
Oh, I think so too.
They still haven't settled that case we were working on.
It's like you're reading my mind.
You know, it's my first day back, so I'm kind of swamped.
If it isn't too much to ask, could you stay and work late? She'd love to.
In fact--ooh!--Lightbulb.
You should work at Holly's place.
- Eden! - Well, I'd love to.
Oh, well, me too.
Well, sounds great.
How about 7:00? You're a pushy little thing, aren't you? Well, someone's got to move things along.
It's like watching snail porn.
You're right.
Tonight, no matter what, I'm gonna find out how Paul feels about me.
Oh, look.
It's engraved.
"To a very special woman.
" Did he get yours engraved? No.
Okay, time to do this room.
I told you I'm working here.
Working? You haven't moved in three hours.
Could you cut the vacuum? I'm in the middle of a big deal! You're in the middle of a big sandwich.
And you're watching TV.
It's called right brain/left brain.
More like right cheek/left cheek.
Well, aren't you just a delightful little island breeze? Look.
I have a job to do.
So, if you don't mind-- Oh, but I do mind.
So don't make me get up.
'Cause I will.
I'd like to see that, lazy bones.
You wanna dance, sweetheart? 'Cause I will dance.
Oh.
Well, bring it on, couch boy.
You know, I don't think I like you.
Oh, now you're gon' break my heart.
Awful woman! Miserable man! Okay, Eden, I'm laying out the bait.
Okay, so I've got work on one table, and I've got wine on another.
Let's see which one he goes for.
Wine, he likes me: Work, he doesn't.
No, you're lame.
Hey, Paul, come on in.
Thanks.
Hey, you're wearing the necklace.
Oh, yeah.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
They were a big hit.
I got 75 thank yous.
Oh, wine.
Would you like some? - Sounds good.
- Oh, yes, it does.
Can I pour you a glass? Yes, please.
There we are.
Thank you.
Mm, this is nice, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Let's get to work.
Ruhr-oh.
Uh, what's going on here? Whatever do you mean? I mean, Amelia was here today, and it doesn't look like anything got done.
I beg to differ.
Okay.
All I can say is, when the "old ball and chain" gets home, there's gonna be some serious drama.
OhmyGod! And we're off.
Haskell, what happened? Look at this.
There's laundry in the corner.
There's dust on all the table tops.
The kitchen is a disgrace.
What on earth did she spend her day doing? I don't know.
I was in and out all day.
Well, obviously, this isn't gonna work out.
She's gotta go.
For the love of God, no! What are you so emotional about? This morning you didn't even want her here.
And how wrong I was.
This woman came to this country with nothing but a mop and a dream.
And a medical degree.
All in search of a better life.
Soexcuse me if I'm a believer in second chances, butmaybe that's just me.
Okay, fine.
Fine, she gets another chance.
But the responsibility's on you.
You're gonna have to stay on top of her.
Consider it done.
So what do you say we counter opposing counsel's counterproposal with a counter-counterproposal? 'Kay.
- Holly? - What? Is there something on your mind? Yes, let's take a break.
Unless you want to keep working-- which I'm fine with.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Hoping I'd say what? That we should keep working or take a break? Yes.
Yes, we should keep working? Or yes, we should take a break? Absolutely.
- We should take a break.
- Oh, good.
Paul, the last time you were here, uh, before the incident You were saying that we made a good team.
And we do.
Okay, well, about that, you see There's something I've been wondering.
What's that? Well, I was wondering how you felt aboutme.
Yes? Drafting a letter to opposing counsel.
- So you're good with it then? - Mm-hmm.
Good morning.
Morning.
- That was a nice surprise, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, it was.
- Mmm.
- Holly? - Yeah.
I love you.
Oh, it's you.
Oh.
Listen, guys, I-listen, I really need your help.
What's up? Remember that guy Paul, from my office, that I really liked? Well, last night, I slept with him.
- Way to go! - Oh, congratulations! Then something really freaky happened.
- That's what I'm talkin' about! - Way to go! What does it mean when somebody says "I love you" right after the first time you've had sex? Oh.
Ooh.
Holly, that means bad news.
No guy says "I love you" after sex.
Before, we'll say anything.
During, who's listening? But after? He's a freak-ass mama's boy.
Exhibit "A"-- in three, two, one.
There is nothing wrong when a man opens his heart Declares his true feelings.
I rest my case.
I just cannot believe that he said "I love you" after the first night of sex.
Who does that? Who are you? Amelia, the housekeeper.
Oh, good.
This place needs it.
It's a mess.
Good morning, Amelia.
Good morning.
Now Look, I appreciate that you overcame great odds in coming to this country.
I flew coach on united.
Oh.
Well, anyway, to be honest, I was a little disappointed in yesterday's work.
And to that end, I've prepared a detailed cleaning list.
It's prioritized by "must clean" to"Also must clean.
" I'll do my best.
Remember, you're in charge.
Don't be afraid to ride her.
Ah, Amelia.
Yesterday was, well, it was the greatest Tuesday ever.
But--but look.
I don't want you to lose your job.
And so maybe-- maybe we should resist temptation.
Perhaps that would be best.
Especially since Stuart put me in charge of making sure the work gets done.
Oh, so then that would make you my boss.
Yeah, I suppose so.
So then you have the power over me.
I guess you could say that.
Sort of like I was an innocent young chambermaid.
And I was Toby, the foppish son of the Duke.
Who you introduced to the ways of love.
Take me, Toby, take me.
Come! I will! Paul's called five times.
Oh, God.
You can't keep hiding from him.
Oh, watch me.
Nobody says "I love you" after one night.
It's not the normal progression of things.
It goes "I like you, I love you, marry me, do you have to floss so loud?" Okay, this is why I don't date women.
You're all nuts.
- Holly, you got a minute? - Oh, actually-- - I'll hold your calls.
- Oh.
You've been avoiding me all morning, and I think I know why.
That whole "I love you" thing was pretty bizarre.
After my heart scare, I've been really emotional, and I-I guess I just got swept away.
Anyway, I'm sure it freaked you out.
No.
Okay, a little.
Okay, a lot.
Okay, it scared the hell out of me.
Well, let me put your mind at ease.
I don't love you.
Y-you don't? Of course not.
So let's just put this all behind us and pretend it never happened.
I love you.
- Ha - What was I thinking? What's going on, man? You said it was urgent.
It is.
I was suspicious of what Amelia was doing all day - Mm-hmm.
- So I set up a nanny cam.
Very funny, Stuart.
- Oh, my God, you're serious.
- Yeah.
Warning-- What you're about to see contains graphic and disturbing images.
Very disturbing.
Okay, I don't see what the big deal is.
- There's Amelia.
- Mm-hmm.
- And there's Haskell.
- Yeah.
And there's Amelia and Haskell on the couch.
Uh-huh.
There's Amelia and Haskell-- oh, my eyes! Her website was right.
She does get to all the hard-to-reach places.
Can you believe this? No! For a big guy, Haskell is sure light on his knees.
My man's rockin' the house! That's all you have to say? Oh, come on.
Could you do all of that with a remote in one hand and a sandwich in the other? Do you not see the moral implications of this? We're basically paying for Haskell to have sex.
You know what that makes us? Really awesome roommates? No, trick-ass bitches.
Haskell, we're home.
We're coming in now.
Good evening, gents.
Haskell, we need to talk.
We know about you and Amelia.
How? Who told you? And what are you talking about? Look, I set up a nanny cam to see if she was cleaning, - and it recorded everything.
- Everything? Everyting, man.
Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Haskell? - Haskell? - Shh, let's see what happens.
No, no, no.
No, I'll tell you what happens.
This little scam of yours is over.
I'm not paying for this anymore.
So what's that mean? I have to split it with Phil? No, I'm cool, but I'm not that cool.
You don't understand.
These were the most magical two days of my life.
Every fantasy come true.
Well, you gotta pay for it yourself now.
You're right, it's over.
Where am I ever gonna find another woman like that? Where are you going? Craigslist.
Well, that was a pretty full day.
Mm.
You finished that deposition, got a new client, and threw away your only shot at happiness.
High five.
Hey, it's over.
Paul said he didn't love me.
But isn't that good? No.
Saying "I love you" is weird, but taking it back is even worse.
Then what did you want him to say? I wanted him to say, "I don't love you, "but I like you a lot.
Let's keep seeing each other.
" Okay, then talk to him.
Tell him how you feel.
I can't.
Oh, if I were 4 feet taller, I'd smack you.
Your fiance cheated on you.
It hurt.
I get it.
But you can't let that stop you from putting yourself out there and taking a chance.
Just leave it alone.
All right, okay, I'm done.
Out of your business.
Oh, Paul.
Oh! Hey! Oops.
Sorry, I tripped.
It happens.
So I started drafting that counterproposal.
Oh, good.
Well, um, if they sign it, then we're done.
- Hi, Paul.
- Sandra.
So great to have you back.
I never got a chance to thank you for the necklace.
Oh, my pleasure.
You know, if you, uh, aren't busy later, maybe we could go get a drink? Oops.
Getting off.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
I like you.
I've liked you from the minute I met you.
Really? Yeah.
So now you know.
I had no idea you felt that way.
And? Sorry, I have a sneeze coming up.
False alarm.
And? - Sorry, I got another one.
- Forget the sneeze! And I love you too.
A lot.
Of course I do.
That's why I bought the necklace, to show you, but then I got nervous thinking "What if the feeling is not mutual?" so then I got one for everyone else.
Now, the ukuleles, well, they just make you smile.
- I think it's that plinky noise - Just kiss me.
Too late, ladies.