The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 [man beatboxing.]
What are you doing here? [church pew creaking.]
[sighs.]
Hello? What are you doing here? Me? W-what am I doing here? Yes.
Why are you at a church rectory? I'm Catholic.
Barely.
My wife made me come.
Jeannie.
Yes.
I have a personal relationship with her.
[chuckles.]
Believe me, I've heard all about it.
[chuckles.]
Well, you know you know, w-we you and I, we could hang out sometime.
If you wanted.
- Great.
How about Sunday morning? - [lamb bleating.]
Er, morning? Well, I I-I'm more of an afternoon guy, so Afternoon then.
Well, how how early in the afternoon? 'Cause I, um you know, like, I'll get up, I'll make pancakes I'll make eggs, and the kids won't even eat 'em.
- [lamb bleating.]
- But And then I'm full, so I'll take a nap, and You realize I died for your sins, right? I mean Don't blame me.
Blame your dad.
Right? Pathetic.
But I still love you.
Jim.
[laughs.]
So glad you could come.
- Please, come inside.
- Uh [man beatboxing.]
Please.
Sit.
Sync & Corrections by PetaG - Nice office.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
She should be here any minute.
So, uh Is this the room where you write your, uh, church speeches? Yeah.
[Jim sighs.]
You watch "Game of Thrones"? Uh, "Game of Thrones"? It's on HBO.
Oh, no, no.
I do not have cable.
Eh, it's it's just it's this show about dragons, and white walkers that are dead, and a bunch of naked people.
I see.
I mean, I-I don't watch it for the naked people.
You know what I mean? It's When a naked person comes on, I just go and get a snack.
Not not not that naked people make me hungry.
Oh.
Of course.
Season one had more, uh, naked people, you know.
All those premium cable shows think that we want the nudity.
No, I I mean, sure, I'll see an actress, and I'll be curious what she looks like naked, but not in, like, a sinful way.
Just more kind of, like, a scientific, artistic thing.
Like, I've never done sculptures, but I've kind of considered what the you know, the human form is beautif thank God.
Thank you so much for meeting with us, Father Nicholas.
Of course.
Anything for Jeannie and Jim.
- My favorite couple.
- Oh.
Well, I'm I'm sure Jim explained why we needed to see you right away.
Uh mm.
You you didn't tell him why we're here? Well, I thought I thought I thought you would wanna tell him.
I think that you should tell him.
No, you can you can go ahead.
- You can - Jim? All right.
Uh, the [sighs.]
The reason we wanted to talk to you is, um I have no idea.
What why are we here? Our marriage is in trouble.
- It is? - Oh, my.
- Father Nicholas? - Yes.
Father Chen has locked himself in the sacristy.
Again? [sighs.]
I am so sorry.
Please, do not go away.
I'll I'll be right back.
And we will get to the bottom of this.
Okay.
[sighs.]
- "Our marriage is in trouble"? - Kind of.
- What? - Yeah.
Jim, we have issues.
- [sighs.]
- We need help.
Why would be bring up our private, personal business in front of Father Nicholas? - He's our priest, Jim.
- Exactly.
W-what, we're supposed to take relationship advice from a guy who's not married and doesn't have kids? Why don't we just ask Dave? Father Nicholas is in a relationship, Jim.
With God.
Okay.
You know what happened to God's kid, right? [footsteps.]
Well, he came back, but All right.
[Jim and Father Nicholas chuckle.]
Where were we? Uh, I believe we were Jeannie was overreacting? - [sighs.]
- As usual? Father Nicholas, we're fighting.
A lot.
We can't agree on anything.
We're fighting in front of the children.
Well, to be fair, they fight in front of us too.
Anyway, the the main reason we're here is well, it's him.
Me? [chuckles.]
Why? I mean, I I know it's me, but what specifically? You're totally dismissive of my feelings.
[scoffs.]
You're just tired.
- She gets - See? No.
That's how he handles everything.
- What? You don't get tired? - Tells me I'm tired! Okay.
Uh, was there a specific incident that brought you here today? - Not really.
- Yes.
Jim.
We had a huge fight yesterday.
I asked Jim if he would help me fold the laundry Ah, ha, ha, ha! But he was more interested in watching TV - and eating.
- [belching.]
[grunting.]
- [farting.]
- [groaning.]
- [sniffling.]
- [eating loudly.]
He wouldn't help me do anything.
[knocking on door.]
Get the door! I know I'm not perfect, but Jim is out of control with the constant eating.
Oh, no.
We didn't order this.
This must be for someone else.
No! I want that food! [growling.]
Far be it from me to be judgmental, but I don't think he's living a healthy lifestyle.
[groaning.]
Plus, sometimes, he yells at our kids.
[roaring.]
Daddy, can we have some food please? No! It's mine! All mine! [laughing.]
[groaning.]
[yelling.]
But the real issue is that we're just running out of space in our apartment.
[man beatboxing.]
[sighs.]
Jim, can I please throw out some of these pizza boxes? That's my collection! That stuff's still good.
Look, it is still good.
Go to the closet and get me a bag of Tostitos.
Why are you keeping Tostitos in the closet? [mocking voice.]
Why are you keeping Just get it! Okay Jeez! - Be careful! My God! - Okay.
- You're so clumsy! - Oh.
[screaming.]
Jim, I think it might be time for us to get a storage unit.
A storage unit? That's the most cockamamie idea I've ever heard.
Jim, look around you.
This place looks like a Costco.
What's wrong with Costco? We'd have plenty of room in here if you just listened to my idea about changing the kids' room into a second kitchen.
It would be beautiful.
Armando, can you make me some pasta? I like the ravioli - and the tortellini mixed together.
- No, no, no! Armando, stop making pasta for Jim! That's enough.
Put the spoon down! [screaming.]
You do not boss around Armando! Jim, this is disgusting.
You look like Jabba the Hutt.
I think that guy's so cool.
That's not what happened at all.
Although, the pasta station I mean, we've all thought about that, right? Look, I can save us a lot of time.
The real reason we're here, illustrated by Jeannie's story, is Jeannie's a little crazy.
I love you, but you're a little bit - Jim, you can't No! - She should be in a loony bin.
She's not crazy.
Jim, I saw you just winked at him.
- There was a fly that went in my eye.
- There wasn't! I can look.
Here's what really happened.
I was helping Jeannie fold the laundry Jim, get your eyes off the TV and get back to your chores.
I wasn't! [sighs.]
Can I please have a morsel of food? Maybe maybe after you change every single child's diaper.
But nothing I do is ever good enough for her.
- [knocking on door.]
- James! There is a knock at the door.
- Go and get the door! Go! - I'm sorry! Come on! Quicker! Quicker! Quicker! Quicker! And there are kids, like, everywhere.
Did you leave the peanut butter out again? [kids shouting.]
- Oh.
We're keeping them.
- But Go on, introduce them to the rest of your children.
B-b-b-wha W-we're running out of space! - [man beatboxing.]
- [groans.]
Hi.
I'll call you Bill.
So basically, there's no room for me in my own apartment.
But This is my side of the bed! [Irish accent.]
No, this is a family bed, Jim.
[Irish accent.]
A family bed? You know, we should probably have another kid soon.
We haven't had a baby in about six weeks.
What? A-are you serious? That's that's insane! I can't even move in here! I need space! Oh, okay.
You need more space? Maybe you should throw out that box of junk over there.
But what is My coffee cup? This is my laptop.
Do you really need that stuff? Wait, these are my keys to the apartment.
Fine, if you insist, I guess we should talk about renting a storage unit.
That's insane we're already paying rent for a Manhattan apartment.
I'm not renting a storage space.
You you got to stop collecting all this stuff.
"Stuff"? Stu our children are "Stuff"? [children screaming.]
You know what? Tonight, you're sleeping in the storage unit! - We're not getting a storage space.
- We absolutely are - getting a storage space.
- No.
No, we're No, we can't get a storage space.
You get in the naughty chair.
You get a time-out, mister! - Go! Go! - [whimpering.]
All right.
I'll take the naughty chair.
That never happened.
You believe what you want.
I'll stick to the truth.
Sometimes, when people are angry, it's very difficult to remember events clearly.
Why don't you two cooperate and tell me about the storage unit? Th-there we're not getting a storage unit.
We are absolutely getting a storage unit.
Okay.
We're getting - Did you just wink again? - No.
We are getting a storage unit.
All right, you want a you want a storage unit? Here's an imaginary storage unit.
Here's a key - for your imaginary storage unit.
- I don't want an imaginary storage u this is Stu why am I - See, now we're gonna lose the key.
- No, Jim, it's a fake key.
- It was a mimed key.
- This is why - This is what I'm talking about! - I don't If you - He's not respecting he's calling it - can't - an imaginary Jim, I don't want - If you can't take care of an - an imaginary storage - imaginary storage - not have any type - deal.
It's part of, like, - of comfort? And that's oh - how your life shifts and that's why - it's hard for people - [laughs.]
That's it - They need to sort of adjust to a life - that's it.
Yeah, you know what, - where there's lots of items - maybe having a Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Take turns telling the story.
Work together.
Yesterday.
- 3:00 p.
m.
Would you what are you - It was 4:30.
That's important! - What are you, the clock police? - I Please, please, please.
Go on.
Jeannie wanted me to fold laundry instead of watching the game.
I said that you could fold laundry while you watched the game.
What am I, a multi-tasking wizard? - You eat and watch TV all the time.
- That's different.
- That's a skill.
It's something - Focus.
- I'm gifted at.
- Focus.
- Anyway - You know what it was kind of like? Do you remember that one apartment Daniel showed us in the East Village that was so perfect, but it just wasn't right? I think so.
We should probably have Trevor over at some point.
- Who's Trevor? - Daniel's boyfriend.
Jim, don't wipe your mouth on the laundry.
Fine.
I thought you wanted my help.
Oh, my God.
Jim.
I don't think that fits me anymore.
I can't believe Maggie's out of 3-6 months already.
- How did that happen? - I'm no medical expert, but I think a baby growing is actually a good thing.
It just went by really fast.
I gotta figure out where I'm gonna put these baby clothes, because the kids' closet is full and the back closet has a huge box of Tostitos in it.
I did one Tweet and they sent me a box.
You know what? We should we should get rid of all these clothes, you know? Now that there's no more kids to hand them down to, we should donate them to the church charity drive.
Jim, you actually thought of the church charity drive? That's not exactly what he said.
You know what? Toss that onesie in the garbage with all the other crap we're never gonna use.
Jim, I'm not gonna throw it away.
We might need it.
What for? I just think it's time we got a storage space.
[knocking on door.]
- [sighs.]
I'm not paying a stranger to hold onto our garbage.
So you won't pay for a storage unit, but how many burgers do you eat in a day? Oh, so now eating is a luxury? When you have eight meals a day it is.
- I work at night! - So you have to keep eating? Yeah! You know what? Napoleon used to eat a burger every night at 2 a.
m.
- That is not even true! - It could be.
We don't know.
There was like a history special on anyway, even if he did, he would have been happier.
And probably taller.
And this is my side of the bed.
Jim, where do you expect us to put our children's clothes? Oh our children! And then when they grow out of them, we throw them out! Why would we need to hold onto baby clothes when our last kid grew out of them? Who says it's our last kid? Okay.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Huh? Have the two of you discussed having more children? - No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
[man beatboxing.]
Ah.
- [chuckles.]
- I see.
When I counsel couples during Pre-Cana, who wish to receive the holy sacrament of matrimony, I stress that communication between spouses is of the utmost importance.
Wait, you're not suggesting we re-do that Pre-Cana thing? - 'Cause that was really boring.
- Jim! And how many of those couples - are still married, right? - Jim! Pre-Cana is supposed to be a time for engaged couples to learn to have ongoing discussions about the most important issues, such as planning a family.
But we did discuss planning a family, Father.
Very early on in our relationship.
I remember exactly how it happened.
See that woman over there? She lives in my neighborhood.
That supermodel? She's gotta be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
I mean, I've dated women, but none of those skanks meant a thing, especially not Kim.
What a waste of two years.
- Kim? - All right.
You're embellishing here.
- Let's be realistic.
- All right, fine.
Jim and I met at this bar called the Peculier Pub.
See that girl over there? She lives in my neighborhood.
She's kind of cute.
Yeah, if you go in for that type.
- What types is that? - I don't know.
Respectable.
[bar chatter.]
She's got a boyfriend.
[bar chatter.]
I don't know, boyfriend looks a little preoccupied.
Why don't you bust a move? I'd need five more beers to get the confidence to talk to a girl like that.
"Bust a move"? Yeah.
I'm pretty sure he said something like that.
- No way.
- Anyway.
- You're you're so beautiful.
- Oh.
I want to get married to you.
And have six kids.
Married? I just met you.
And and I'm not sure if I want to have kids.
Seven kids! I hate Kim.
That's not how I remember it.
But you said seven kids.
- Who is this Kim? - She's a total slut.
Sorry, Father.
Kim is not important.
And I never said seven kids.
How I remember it is So, that's why I'm starting a not-for-profit theater arts program for urban youth, like a ton of urban youth.
- And we're gonna be global! - Mmm.
And then I can totally see myself having like six babies.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
Are we supposed to feel guilty about eating baby chicken legs? 'Cause I don't.
[chuckles.]
So which church do you go to? Huh? So you haven't even talked about the number of kids you wanted to have since your first date? Well, to be fair, I don't really consider that to be our first date.
A week later, Jim took me to this cute little vegan place in SoHo Jeannie, I am sorry, but we do not have time for another flashback right now.
Oh, no, no, no, but it's such a good story.
Look, Father, you're right.
We really haven't discussed this at all.
We we've been busy since we got married.
Yeah.
She keeps getting pregnant.
How about you keep getting me pregnant? - Well, how about you wanted it? - Ah, ah.
Why don't you discuss it now? [chuckles.]
There's no time like the present.
- You really don't want any more kids? - No, I never said that.
I just I I didn't know we were trying.
I never said I was trying.
This is why communication is so important.
What do you think we should do, Father? Now hold on.
He's a Catholic priest.
He probably thinks we should have ten more kids.
Jim, I did not know that you're an expert on Catholic theology.
Well, wouldn't say I'm an expert I was being wildly sarcastic, Jim.
- Oh, zing.
- Mm.
Just because you're Catholic doesn't mean that you should keep blindly having children.
The most important thing for a successful marriage is unity.
So, what I think you're saying is no storage unit.
Jim the All right, fine.
No storage unit.
Jim, I I never said that I was trying for another baby.
I just I thought we might.
And I got I got freaked out when I saw that onesie, because Maggie's growing really fast, and it's strange to think of her as our last baby.
Well, maybe she's not the last baby.
I might have babies with other women.
[laughs.]
- No - I mean no, she might be.
And I need to get used to the fact that babies grow up, and they don't always need to be held and cuddled all the time.
Well, who knows.
Maybe there there'll be a number six.
Uh, but before you rush into any decisions, maybe you can get a puppy! - [gasps.]
- Oh, no can do, Father.
This one doesn't have a heart for animals.
No! What? You're the one who eats every animal you see.
I'd get a puppy.
I love puppies.
[puppy barking.]
[dogs barking.]
Jim, can we keep them? Ah [dogs barking.]
Maybe we should hold off on getting a puppy.
- How about a pig? - [man beatboxing.]
Then when it dies, we can have bacon.
Okay.
- We'll see you on Sunday.
- Yes, you will.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
And remember: you love each other.
I'm sorry I said you were crazy.
That was in your bag the whole time? That's nuts.
If we have another child, so be it.
We'll buy another stupid onesie.
[Jeannie sighs.]
Wow.
But we are getting the storage unit.
[man beatboxing.]
[sighs.]
Nice.
Saw that coming.
- Jesus.
- [lamb bleating.]