The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e08 Episode Script

[Raining.]
[Thunderclap.]
[Beverly.]
Good morning.
It's really Coming down there, huh? There's only two seasons In this city-- rainy and riot.
Is larry in yet? Uh-huh.
Want some of this? No.
I was supposed to Finish that ted danson Interview yesterday.
Oh, paula-- paula, Ted danson Can't make it.
A little rain, and this Whole town shuts down.
They said he has the flu.
Bullshit.
larry sanders show.
Oh, hi.
Hold for a moment.
It's artie on line two, Paula.
Hello.
[artie.]
paula, listen very carefully.
I'm gonna be A little late today.
The roads are blocked, Including the coast highway.
mud slides? Yes! There's a goddamn house That's sitting right here In the middle of the road! Don't ever move to malibu, It's a fucking hellhole.
That's why i live In the valley.
yeah, well, i'll get in eventually even i have to shove that goddamn house into the ocean myself.
are you still with me? I'm here.
i'd like you to fill in for me.
can you handle it? Yeah! I can handle it.
And don't tell larry That i'm not there Because you know how He gets when i'm not around.
O.
K.
, I'll tell him i don't want to lie to larry.
I understand.
Tell him, uh I'm in editing.
O.
K.
Is there anything I should know about yet? Danson canceled His lead.
shit.
paula, go to my rolodex.
you'll see the names with red sticky notes on them.
start checking those out for availability.
The network wants Larry to give a plug For their new saturday night Rock-'n'-roll video fuck-fest, Whatever it is.
If you catch him At the right mood, Maybe he'll do it.
got it.
and bruno kirby will be on tomorrow.
don't tell darlene, or she won't function all day.
Didn't they break up, Like, two years ago? two years is two days darlene time.
Paula, uh Have you seen artie? He was here A second ago.
Oh Is that him On the phone? It's my mom.
He went to editing.
Did you by any chance Hear artie say anything About a couch? Something about Your couch? Yes.
It was Spot clean.
Um, yesterday He said something About spot cleaning.
He did.
Yes.
Great.
O.
K.
, Good.
Good idea.
Thanks.
Tell your mom i said hi.
Sure.
I think you'll Do all right, paula.
Don't worry about anything.
It's all under control.
I won't let you down.
Bye.
O.
K.
, O.
K.
, Listen up.
Here's the deal.
Because of Inclement weather, Arthur cannot Be here today.
Absent, detained, Not-o here-o.
Fuck! All right, come on.
No need to panic.
We're going to be fine.
Teddy danson fell out.
Ted danson fell out? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Hey, stow that shit, Sailor.
Paula.
Can you get ray combs On the blower? Danson fell out.
[Paula.]
I already took care of that.
Didn't you hear? Paula's producing today.
[Chuckles.]
That's the spirit-- Gallows humor.
[Paula.]
It's not a joke.
You're producing.
Yes.
You're in Your 20s.
Arthur asked her To fill in.
What are you? You're 28.
Thanks for your support.
I need that midshow Comedy piece before lunch.
We don't have lunch Till 5:30.
Before brunch.
Brunch it is.
Thank you.
What you got there, Hank? Hmm? Oh, uh In case we don't get The lead guest, I might have To stretch tonight.
I was dusting off The old sleight of hand From my cruise ship days, And here Larry hates Your magic tricks.
This isn't magic.
This is an illusion.
Pick a card And you Put it back And what crawled up His ass and died? O.
K.
And you go Like this.
[Blows.]
Like that.
Cut And you shuffle.
Lots of rain We're having, hey? And shuffle.
And is this Your card? [Clears throat.]
No, hank, it's not.
I know Because Take off my shoe And look inside.
No way.
No way.
Did you see that? That's my card.
That's amazing.
How'd you do that? Magic.
Fuck! Great news about paula, Isn't it? Mmm.
Paula! Girl, it's your Boyfriend on line 5.
Oh, shit! I forgot about him.
Robert, hi.
I'm sorry, honey.
Are you at the restaurant Right now? Shit! I know, i know, i know.
Work is so crazy today.
Listen, are you At a pay phone? Yeah, i know your time is Valuable.
I know that, okay? Are you at a pay phone? Give me your number And i promise i'll call You back in 5 minutes.
All right, yeah.
I'm really sorry.
And i will call you.
I love you.
Goodbye.
Sid is out sick today.
Sid? Yes.
Is bruno really On the show tomorrow? Yeah, i'm sorry.
I was going To tell you about it.
I haven't seen him Since we broke up.
I know.
Okay.
I don't want to see him-- We'll talk about this later.
Your air conditioner Has died.
Oh, really? Yes.
Condensing unit needs A new compressor.
Whatever.
What do i sign? Artie has to sign The invoice.
I'll sign For him.
You can't.
I'll get Artie's signature.
No.
I'll find him.
It's fine.
Boy, it's hot in here.
Don't go anywhere.
Don't move.
[Clears throat.]
Do we have a lead guest? Artie's working On it now.
Isn't my chair supposed To be higher? Would you check With artie And make sure this is adjusted At the normal height? You got it.
Where is artie? He's on the phone Booking a lead guest.
Do we have any idea Who the guest is? I believe he's speaking With elayne boosler.
For lead? I don't know.
That's just One option.
There's many, Many others.
[Cough.]
Like who? UhJody watley.
Funny.
She's a singer.
I know.
UmMarla maples.
Let's try and find someone Donald trump hasn't screwed.
Coffee.
Thank you.
I hope it's as hot As it is here.
It is hot here.
Everyone keeps saying that.
It's fine.
Paula, it's hot.
Look at you.
You're sweating.
I am not.
Artie, artie, artie, When are you Coming in here? I don't think i'll make it By show time, kiddo.
Can you handle it? this is your big chance.
you're going to produce the show while it's on the air.
isn't this what you wanted? Right.
Good.
Remember, Stand by larry While he's going over His cue cards.
Make sure he's got His hand make-up Both hands.
Don't let the weird intern Bother the guests.
Sweetie, Before the show, Have a glass of wine.
i'm not much of a drinker.
You don't have To drink it, paula.
Just walk in front of The audience with it.
They see you're relaxed, It relaxes them.
The way i look now, It won't relax anyone To see me with alcohol.
Paula? [Hangs up telephone.]
Paula? Yes.
We don't have A lead guest, do we? Hank will try and jam in A stupid magic trick.
I got steven wright.
God damn-- Good.
Steven wright's good.
What is this, By the way? You know what this is? The new plug for The video music show.
I'm not gonna do plugs.
"Stay tuned for Late-night videos.
Dance all night, Dudes.
" O.
K.
, O.
K.
What is this? Come on.
O.
K.
I got you.
It's still Really hot in here.
It's kind of nice.
[Clears throat.]
And my chair is I'm positive of it.
All right.
Oh, no.
Steven, Thank you so much For coming At the last minute.
Yeah.
I'll be first, right? Of course.
Yes.
Paula, i was told I was on first.
You're booked For tomorrow night.
That's what i though too.
But when hank called, I came right over.
Bruno? Hank.
You're a lifesaver.
Thanks for appearing On the short notice.
Don't worry.
I got some Tricks up my sleeve.
Hank, may i speak With you, please? [Steven wright.]
Hank, nice to see you again.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Steven wright.
Sorry.
Steven wright.
Yes, yes, Of course.
You do a great job As a sidekick.
What a nice Compliment.
You said I was first.
You told me I was first.
Paula, you do know Sid is out sick.
Sid? I have to go on first.
I have A prior commitment.
We'll work this out.
It's just a mistake.
Come on, man.
If it's an ego thing, Just say It's an ego thing.
Hey, man.
I don't even know What an ego thing is, man.
Where's artie? Somebody get me artie.
I will take care Of this.
One second.
Beverly.
Uh-huh.
Gentlemen, um [Slam.]
Could i get you Something to drink? Yeah.
Water, please.
Sparkling water.
It's taken Care of.
You know, this really Isn't even about us.
This fucking show is run So fucking sloppy.
This would never Happen on letterman.
Right.
It's amateur Night in dixie.
What are you doing to me? I already booked Steven wright As lead guest.
You could lower your voice Just a bit.
Now, steve wright Steven wright? Mm-hmm.
He's very funny, But bad mix.
You've got To tell bruno That you've made A mistake-- Excuse me.
If i were you, I'd concentrate on the fact That it's 105 degrees In the studio.
But i suppose it's a dry heat And i'm just an old fuck.
Paula! What? Robert, what are you doing here? I'm came to say goodbye.
What? This is it.
Unless you Can give me one good reason Why you've been so Completely rude to me today.
Honey, it's just artie-- What? Can we please just Talk about this later? You know what? I knew you would say that.
Come on.
Did i, uh-- No, it's fine.
Listen, it's still Very hot out there.
Right.
Does artie know about it? Yes.
He's got the pages handing Out sodas to the audience.
Good.
That's a good idea.
Where are my cue cards? Where's larry's Cue cards? Where's sid? Where's sid? Sid? Sid? Sid.
Sid, paula.
The cue card guy! Yes.
Let me take care Of this.
[Applause.]
[Applause continues.]
Please, please, please Please, please, Please You keep that up, You won't be able To hear the jokes.
Richard simmons Let's see how it goes Before we get thrilled.
Richard simmons is being sued For sexual harassment By a woman who claims He's made lewd, sexually Explicit remarks to her.
Boy, and when asked To defend himself, Simmons said, "The woman's crazy.
I was talking to the guy Next to her.
" [Laughter.]
The woman was Right over there.
A pharmaceutical company Is about to start marketing A female condom.
Please keep it down.
The new female condom Has a failure rate of 26%.
Why can't they say It has a success rate of 74%? This is just an example Of some people seeing The condom as 1/4 empty When it's really 3/4 full.
[Laughter.]
My guests tonight Are steven wright, Porno for pyros, George mcdonald.
Don't flip around.
We'll be right back.
Do not flip around.
No flipping.
Will you need The monologue cards Anymore? No.
The monologue is Over, darlene.
Thank you.
Good job.
Where the hell Is artie? Doesn't he give a damn About the show anymore? He's really sick today.
He's sick? Yeah.
He's in the booth, On the headset.
I didn't Know that.
Yeah.
He can see you.
He says you're doing great.
He's waving.
I can't make him out, But good.
Hi.
Sip? Hmm? Sip? No.
[Applause.]
We, uh [Applause.]
Thank you.
Welcome back.
We missed you.
We have a wonderful show For you tonight.
[Popping sound.]
And [Pop.]
[Audience laughs Nervously.]
Soda pop cans Being opened.
You know, in l.
A.
, You can't be too sure What that popping is.
My next guest Is a wonderful comedian.
I've been a big fan Of his for some time.
He can be seen Around the country.
He performs in all-- He performs in-- He was wonderful In city slickers.
Wonderful.
No, he was not In city slickers.
You're thinking Of someone else.
He's a wonderful Stand-up comedian, And he performs Around the country.
Whatever you say.
You got it.
You're right, And i'm wrong.
Well, if you're going To be that way about it.
[Applause.]
Bruno kirby And steven wright.
[Larry.]
Have a seat, gentlemen.
Well, so we were Both right.
Bruno was In city slickers, And steven wright is A talented stand-up Comedian, And you're both My friends.
Thank you.
Welcome aboard.
I'm a little thrown.
We've never had two guests Come out at the same time.
I don't know what happened.
How did this come about? Look, i was told I would come out First tonight, So i've done Nothing wrong.
I think you have Done something wrong.
What? They told me To come out first.
Coming out with you Is like something is Dragging on my foot.
I don't usually I don't, you know You know All right.
Settle down.
I've never seen steven This wound up.
Are you saying Having me around you Is like having something Drag on your foot? No.
NoYes.
Yes.
That's totally Disrespectful.
It's your show, larry.
Straighten him out.
Bruno, He's making a joke.
He's saying you Stick to his shoe Like toilet paper, Which I think is rude.
Let's move on With the questions.
I'm glad you're both here.
We can make this work.
Where have you Been lately? Just got back From New york.
The gap.
All right.
Both Fascinating places, And both Very romantic.
Who would like To go first On why they were, Uh Why don't you Go first? Because I'm suffering From jet lag.
From the gap? I also see That you both have Guest #1 cups.
Yeah, that was Part of the deal.
Yeah, but i Got mine first.
[Larry.]
My next guests are from Here in los angeles And making their world Television debut.
Please welcome Porno for pyros.
Let's hear it for them.
[Audience cheers.]
* Hey, where you Going now, meija? * * Baby, got you money In your hand * * And your mind Already out the door * * When you get her started * * There ain't No stopping her * * You gotta wait till she runs Out of money * * Or maybe get to sleep, She knows everybody * * Yeow * * Ooh * Who booked them? Paula.
Boy, i like them.
I think they're great.
I can't believe Artie approved them, But that is terrific.
I used to dance like that In high school, by the way.
[Vocalizing.]
* Baby back again * * We know * * Where she's going * * Some place better than here * * Everybody * * Count your money * * Everybody * * Count your money * * Everybody * * Yeah, you better * * Count your money * I think i've got one Of those low-grade fevers.
Hmm? No, it's just hot.
Really hot in here.
[Clicks tongue.]
What? You got a pain? Got my magic cards With me tonight.
[Clicks tongue.]
* Out for a drive * * Baby didn't come back * * For nearly two days * * Where's she been? And why'd she go? * * Why's she back now? * * We all know * * We know why, We know why * * But baby back again * * We know Where she's going * * Out to someplace Better than here * * Everybody * * Count your money * * Everybody, Count your money * * Everybody Yeah, you better-* * Count your money * [Cheering.]
You guys enjoy them? The best.
Of course you did.
Fabulous group.
Yeah.
Steve couldn't Control himself.
I know you guys Have someplace To go.
Thank you For staying.
Sorry about The little confusion.
My pleasure.
I hope you'll come back.
Thanks.
Appreciate it.
The rest of you, Stay tuned.
We'll be back In 60 seconds To wrap the show up.
Steven, excellent.
Bruno, the best.
Hank, fuck you.
This way is out, Fellas.
[Steven.]
Thanks a lot.
He always wears The same shirt-- Steven wright.
Great show! How did artie Like it? He thought It was the best.
I thought it went Pretty well myself, Considering everything He had to do on this show, You should learn From him.
Watch him closely.
He pulled this off.
Guess what.
I produced this show All by myself.
What are you Saying? Artie wasn't even here.
He was in a mud slide.
It was just me.
Thank you very much.
Where's arthur? Quit kidding.
Where is he? [Man.]
We're back in five.
You're producing? You're running the show? You're what? 28? [Applause.]
[Hank.]
We're back And, uh, Welcome back.
And, um We are back.
We are back With, uh With, uh, hank And, uh Thanks For being back.
How much time Do we have? [Man.]
What do you Recommend we do For the 2 minutes And 30 seconds, paula? Paula, who's filling in For our producer artie.
Why don't i do Some plugs? Stay tuned for late-night videos.
Dance all night, Dudes.
How much time Do we have now? [Man.]
Sounds like we have time For some magic.
I do magic.
You do? Yes.
It's not magic, per se.
This is more of an illusion.
Artie, welcome back.
How's it going? Interesting.
Hank's doing card tricks.
Oh, christ! Don't show me.
Put it back in.
All right.
Good.
And i, uh-- I, uh, shuffle.
Thank you, paula.
Artie, You scared me.
[Hank.]
There are 52 men In the shoe store.
Is that your card? No.
[Audience laughs.]
You told him, Didn't you? It was an accident.
I shouldn't drink.
Horse hockey.
Hey, artie! Artie, our producer, Is back.
How much time Do we have? Then there's no time For any magic.
We'll have to put The cards away.
[Artie.]
Let hank finish the trick.
All right, hank, Let's finish the trick.
Normally, I don't like magic.
I try and figure Out how it works And get frustrated-- Same with A porno film-- But in this case, Let's take a shot.
Okay.
Mmm Smells like The 10 of clubs.
That is my card-- The 10 of clubs.
[Applause.]
The 10 of clubs And are we out Of time now, artie? Let's wrap it up.
Thank you.
I hope we can do Magic more often.
Gosh, that was great.
Good night.
** [Theme music plays.]
My card was the 4 Of diamonds, asshole.