The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth Looks like it's just you and me, bud.
- I'm the father of her child.
- Not anymore.
Everybody's life got worse the day they met you.
- I guess we can't trust each other.
- I guess not.
Where were you? Oh, farts.
Oh, hi, Phil's penis.
Out helping Phil.
Tandy! Get away from me! But you Come on.
Get away from me, Tandy! I'm just trying to get you ready for your big unveiling.
I know what you're going through right now.
You're disoriented, you're angry Damn right, I'm angry! But you did the right thing by getting drunk enough to let me get you into these stocks.
And that's really gonna score a bunch of points with the group, okay? You ready? - Okay, this is a big moment.
- What? Here we go.
Hey, everyone, come out here! Get me out of here.
Some really exciting stuff! Stop it! Phil somehow put himself in the stocks! - No, I didn't! - It's amazing, right? What do you mean, no, you didn't? Yeah, you did.
You're in there right now.
I clearly didn't do it.
What I'm holding a pot and something in this hand.
I couldn't have done it.
Wow, we are really using these things on a weekly basis now.
If you ask me, it's too little, too late.
Or do you mean the exact right amount at the exact right time? Hmm? Erica, Erica, what do you think, huh? Pretty cool.
What the goll dang is up with that cow, huh? Oh, my goodness, guys, get out here! You got to see this! No, the show's in the atrium! Come on! Ugh, God.
Okay, I need to go see what that is going on out there.
- Oh, my - Wow.
Whoa.
Holy cow.
Boom.
Hey, little guy or gal.
Not sure what you are, but you are cute.
Oh, you're a guy.
Okay.
Can tell by the the penis.
Yeah.
Did you guys hear those noises she was making? It s-sounded like she saw the devil.
Yeah, well, she was going through excruciating pain, what with the tearing and the ripping, and cows don't have doctors to sew them up.
Oh, I guess we don't either.
Guys, you know what this means? I mean, there must be a bull around.
Hey, yeah.
Remember when we first moved in here, and she'd keep sneaking out in the middle of the night? Ah, she was just going off to do a little "wham, bam, thank you, livestock," weren't you? - You little hussy.
- We got to find this bull.
I mean, if we can get them to mate Oh, my God, you are obsessed with everyone having more and more babies! What? I'm talking about milk, Melissa.
Geez! For those of you who aren't gonna jump down my throat every time I say something, how about we go out looking for the bull? Sounds like a pretty good idea, sure.
Uh, all right, let's meet up in about an hour.
That'll give me some time to gather some gear, collect some cow urine.
Got to stay hydrated.
Uh, no, bulls are attracted to cow urine.
Kinky badinky.
All right, let's do this, huh? - All right.
- Come on.
Those sounds.
Yeah, that's the ripping.
Lucky duck.
Hey, bud.
You are not gonna believe this.
The cow had a friggin' calf.
Yeah, a little boy.
You can tell by the penis.
Oh, cutest thing you've ever seen.
Uh, the calf, not the penis.
I mean, it was a fine-looking penis.
Why do you keep asking me about this calf's penis? Dirty mind.
They don't care that I'm in here.
So just let me out.
Uh, sure, the calf stole the headline today.
Okay, but soon that buzz will wear off, and they'll focus on you in here.
Nobody cares about me.
Hey, like it or not, we're a family.
And you never give up on family.
Took me a long time to learn that.
And one of these days, you're gonna learn that, too.
Uh, Tandy.
Tandy, you're right.
I'm right? Come-come back.
I've been I've been bullheaded.
I think I've been letting our past cloud my judgment.
I got to pay my dues.
Hey, I am so friggin' proud of you right now.
But, look, if you really want to help me, let me out of here so I can find that bull.
Think about how excited everyone would be.
I mean, that would be a pretty baller move.
Right! And, look, once I find it, I come right back, put myself back in the stocks.
I don't know.
I mean It's like you said, we're family.
All right.
Just a few more twisty-turnies here, and you and I will be in the shortwave radio business.
You don't think it's gonna work, do you? Hey, look, this is our best shot at connecting with another living person out there, okay? It's better than any of our other ideas, like, uh, the telescope or-or bouncing the laser pointer off the Taj Mahal.
Or your idea of just flicking the lights off and on till someone notices.
That-that was not my Not my idea, mm-mm.
No, nice try.
Friggin' worm.
Hello.
This is Commander Mike Miller from the International Space Station.
Anybody out there? Hey, Gail, we're all - Oh! Oh! - Oh, God, I'm sorry! - Uh - I'm-I'm sorry.
- We're all gathering in the kitchen.
- I'm not No, I'm coming.
- I'm I mean - For the whole the bull thing.
- Yeah, no, the bull.
- We're just in the kitchen.
- I just - a little CPR refresher, okay? - Yeah, right.
You take your time.
- I'll be there in a second.
C-Copy that.
Yep.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Crap! Okay, in a moment, we will be embarking on perhaps the most important mission of our brave new world.
Okay? Finding this bull is our "One giant leap for mankind.
" Finding this bull is our "I have a dream.
" Finding this bull is our "Where's the beef?" Literally.
Can you get to the point, Tandy? I can get to the point, I can get to the set, I can get to the whole freakin' match, Melissa.
Let's let Phil out of these stocks to help us search for this bull.
Is that what this is all about? This is about way more than that.
This is about team.
Hey, team, take a knee.
Yeah, I called us a team.
Why? 'Cause we are one.
Webster's Dictionary defines the word "team" as "Together Everyone Achieves More.
" So let's let Phil out of these stocks.
'Cause at the end of the day, there's no I in "team," but there is one in "find," okay? There's a T in Todd and Tandy; there's an E in Erica; there's an A in Andrew, Carol's middle name; and there is an M in Melissa and Miller My last name, his last name, okay? There's no G for Gail.
But that's because, as the oldest uh, non-youngest member of our group, she's our coach.
Every team needs a grizzled coach, and there's a G in "grizzled" and there's a G in Gail.
So let's tear down these stocks, Mr.
Gorbachev.
Okay? And let's go find that mother-friggin' bull.
If we say yes, will you stop talking? Yes.
Fine, do it.
Good news.
They agreed to let you out.
I knew I could count on you.
Oh, God, I'm so excited about this.
I never thought we'd be on the same page with something.
But, heck, here we are in lockstep with each other.
I won't even be surprised if at some point we started finishing each other's s sentences.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
We'll get there one day.
Or our names aren't - Phil Miller.
- Phil Miller.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Out you go.
"Out, damned spot!" It's a Shakespeare reference.
Where you going? Oh, look at you, real man on a mission.
Got that eye of the tiger.
Love it.
So, uh, where you want to start looking? I'll start with Canada.
Canada? Oh, you're gonna start there and work your way back? Bye, Tandy.
Tell everyone they won't have to worry about me anymore.
'Cause I'm out of here.
Wait, what about all the stuff you said in the stocks? You're just gonna leave us? We're your family.
You know, I don't have a family.
Didn't you learn anything from the virus? We're all alone.
Oh, farts.
Hey, look.
Hey, whoa, Todd Wait, what? Uh, no, no.
Oh, God.
Uh, hey, I was gonna say, "Hey, look, it's Gail.
" I'm sorry, I bet you thought I was gonna say Oh, yeah, I-I thought you were gonna say, "Hey, look, there's the bull.
" No, I know.
I-I was I was I was gonna say, "Hey, uh hey, look, it's Gail.
" Probably should've just said, - uh, hello.
- Hi, or - Oh, yes, or hi.
- Hello.
- Yes.
Yeah.
- You could have said hello.
- Boy, it's a hot one, isn't it? - Did you see anything? Okay, I'm just gonna come on out and tell you what you saw.
I took a CPR dummy, and I dressed it up to look like Gordon, and I talk to it, and I do other stuff with it, and we're probably gonna need a new CPR dummy.
Yep, that's what I thought I saw.
And I know it's nuts.
But it just helps me.
You know? 'Cause I just miss Gordon so dang much.
I totally understand.
You're so lucky to have Melissa.
Well, I don't know if I do.
It's been a bit of a mess lately.
We're just I don't know.
Well, hon, relationships are always a roller coaster.
You just if you love her, you just got to make it work.
'Cause it is such a blessing in this world if you have a partner, someone you can talk to, someone who gets you.
'Cause without that, life is just a big bunch of nothing.
Carol, did you pack unsweetened lemonade in here? Nope.
That's what I thought, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Okay, you guys.
Have some big news.
First of all, this is not unsweetened lemonade, okay? Uh, if we could just be a little more, uh, conscious of labeling things.
You know.
Piece of tape, "urine.
" That's all I'm saying.
Second of all And this is kind of the main thing um Phil did not go out searching for the bull.
You know, I let him out of the stocks, and he just drove off.
So h-he's just, like, gone gone? D-Did he say anything? Yeah, he said to tell all you guys that you don't have to worry about him anymore.
I mean, he said it more like, "Tell them they don't have to worry "about him, I mean, me anymore Tandy.
" So, uh, back on the search again.
Hey, hey! Look, we got supplies.
We got maps.
Uh, we got walkies and, uh, unlabeled cow urine.
You know, you know, why don't we put a-a pin in this bull search and, uh, and go find Phil, huh? So we're not even gonna look for him? We're just gonna let him be alone? Hello, this is Commander Mike Miller, broadcasting from the International Space Station.
This is Commander Mike Miller, broadcasting from the International Space Station.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
Hello! Hello, this is Mike Miller! Hello! H-Hold on, I-I'm refining the signal.
Just hold on one second.
Terry, there's someone else out there! We're not alone! We're not alone! - Mike Miller Hello.
- Yes, yeah, that's me! I'm Mike Miller! Yes, hello! H-Hold on, I-I'm refining the signal.
Yes, yeah, that's me! I'm Mike Miller! Yes, hello! Hello, this is Mike Miller.
Terry, there's someone else out there! We're not alone! We're not alone! Hello, this is Mike Miller.
H-Hold on, I-I'm refining the signal.
Yeah, that's me! I'm Mike Miller! Yes, hello! We're not alone! Oh, farts.
Oh, it's the famous bull hunter.
Any luck with the bull? Obviously not.
Don't you think I would've told you? I don't know what you will and won't tell me anymore.
Okay, you know what? That's it.
We need to talk about this.
Oh, fun! So after walking around in the heat all day, you want to go fry up some bacon and gab about our relationship some more? What is going on here, Melissa? I mean, I'm obviously not making you happy.
And, you know, you're not you know.
What? - Nothing.
Let's just - Just say it.
I'm not making you happy.
No, I just Uh I don't know, maybe it's just time we take a little break.
No, Todd, I think maybe it's time we take a big break.
Come on in.
Hey.
Hey.
I hope I'm not disturbing you and Gordon.
Oh, no, we're taking a breather.
Melissa and I just broke up.
Oh.
Todd.
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
Aw.
You look like a man who could use a drink.
- That sounds great.
- Okay.
You know, maybe it was for the best.
I don't know.
We were just We kept fighting all the time.
And it was just getting really heavy.
God, I know how that is.
Do you remember how much Gordon and I fought when we first met? It was like cats and dogs.
Yeah, I mean, I'll never forget that time he stood up on the table and peed in your wine.
You threw it in his eyes.
Aw, yeah.
I miss her so much already.
Oh hey.
Come in here.
I'm sorry.
Aw.
You know what? You are gonna be okay.
- Thanks, Gail.
- You really are.
I just wonder if it is.
It's gonna be all right.
Don't wonder, no.
Because you know, you just, it's so seldom that you meet - somebody that you really like.
- You will.
You're gonna be all right.
Nobody ever knows these things, but I swear, - it just takes time.
- But I guess it just all takes some time.
Good morning, Vietnam.
You know, this morning when I watched Phil drive out of here and head for Canada, I thought he was crazy.
I mean, why would anyone choose to be alone, when they could live in a world with people? That's what Phil chose to do.
'Cause the way we were treating him, that alternative seemed better than sticking around here.
Maybe you guys don't remember what it felt like out there.
How lonely, how sad, how pointless life was.
Well, I remember.
'Cause I almost had to go back to that.
But somehow, I got a second chance.
Look, I deserve everything I got, you know? And in a way, Phil does, too.
Okay? He's not perfect.
But who among us is? There's an old expression, uh, that says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone in a glass house.
" Okay, I don't need another Tandy talk.
Okay, Melissa, why don't we start with you, then, huh? This is a woman who strongly and forcefully tried to hit on a married man.
That's me.
- I absolutely did not.
- You did.
You told me you were horny, and that is a solid hit-on.
And, look, Carol, you are fully justified to throw that rock at her horny little head, but here's why you won't.
'Cause you lied to this entire group about me being dead.
Why are you bringing that up?! Just proving the point that none of us are without sin, okay? Bacon, teen pregnancy.
I'm 25.
Wait, you're judging Erica for getting pregnant? No, the exact opposite! And I'm gonna not-judge you next, okay? 'Cause I know what you did, Gail.
And there are some people at this table who are not gonna be very happy with it.
'Cause I know that you barfed in the humidor.
I did not.
Gail, it was tortilla chips and Chardonnay! I did not knowingly barf in the humidor.
- Gail, you got to clean that up.
- What?! This comes from the girl who's never once done the dishes? Whatever.
I throw them out the window.
Who cares? Well, I think maybe you should start caring a little bit more about a few things.
- What are you getting at, Gail? - Okay, you know what, let's just - You know what? What? What? Calm down? - Yes! People fight! That's life.
Grow a pair.
All right, lines are getting crossed here.
Why is it that you think you're the one to draw the line all the time? Guess what, Erica, you're not special, okay? You're just pregnant! No, don't say "pregnant" 'cause Melissa might flip out! - Screw you, Todd.
- See, out the window.
What do you know about anything anyway? You're drunk by 10:00 a.
m.
How dare you? I wake up at 11:00! Look at who started the whole damn thing! - You just like to fight! - You're the one that's always yelling back and forth Friggin' idiot.
Unbelievable.
Well, uh, I brought the bull back.
Was that too many tranqs? Eh, he'll be fine.
Hey, everybody.
Can you give me a hand? What do you need? Well, I said I was gonna go find the bull, then come back and get in the stocks.
So help me get in the stocks.
I thought you were lying about all that stuff.
I was.
Now help me get in the stocks.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just sit down.
Eat with us.
Are you sure? Yeah.
It looks good.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Just a perfect day Feed animals in the zoo Then later a movie, too And then home Oh, it's such a perfect day I'm glad I spent it with you Oh, such a perfect day You just keep me hanging on You just keep me hanging on