The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s02e08 Episode Script
Sugar Pasha
1
SOCIALITE JOURNAL
ERŞAN KUNERİ'S CINEMA DEBU
[Erşan] Let's shoot in here.
We can show everyone another room.
I'd like to send the Erşan Kuneri fans
out there a little kiss.
Oh, and to all of you actors
who like to reenact my films
[kisses]well done.
You kids are doing great work. Kisses.
[woman] Tell us, Erşan,
would you do a movie or drama
if they asked you today?
- Oh, no, no, my dear.
- [woman] You wouldn't?
- Imagine me doing it.
- [man] Really?
At this age, imagine how I'd play.
How could I?
- [man] No, don't say that.
- Drama? Ah, not for me.
- [woman] Why not?
- All that staring would bore me.
- [both laughing]
- Besides, I'm well off financially.
[man] That's great.
- I'd get bored. I know I would.
- [man] Right.
Hey, listen, how would you like to hear
what a fan wrote to me on a postcard?
[man] Yes, please.
"My dear Erşan."
- [man] Hmm.
- He says he loves all my films, of course.
Then he calls me a "sly fucker."
- Can you believe that?
- [woman laughs]
- That's my fan base for you.
- [man laughs]
- Yeah.
- "Sly fucker." That's what he calls me.
"The Şeker Pasha film was great.
Who'd you steal the idea from?"
- [man] Oh!
- Who did I steal it from?
Same as always.
From the best, of course. The very best.
Picasso said that, you know.
He said an artist
should steal from the best.
And that's where I stole for Şeker Pasha.
[theme music playing]
In this heat, a fur coat?
I don't care if I roast.
I waited for this long enough.
[Erşan] Hmm.
- Now, that is true love.
- Yeah, it was on sale.
- Hmm.
- Hey, so how's it going?
Mami, I think
I have really done it this time.
I finished the scene
where Muhsin gets out of prison.
Um, he comes backstage.
Ali Nazik says,
"Oh, master, I had to save myself" to him.
Muhsin just goes,
"How'd that work out for ya?"
[gasps] I can already see
the audience just
Really, this is
something new, man, totally new.
Well, that's great.
Erşan, this script is incredible.
I mean, you've really outdone yourself
with this thing.
To me, this script is about
more than those years.
It's about the old world we've lost
and all of the values we used to have.
Yavuz, come in.
Oh, Yavuz,
Fahriye Abla was an amazing film.
That was a really great story.
- Coffee?
- No, I'm not staying.
Erşan, by chance were you
in the Galatasaray baths last week?
I was.
I left a file behind in the locker room.
A script. Muhsin Bey.
Muhsin Bey, but
[Yavuz] And worst of all,
it was the only copy.
I was miserable when I couldn't find it.
I think you left the baths
holding a file, didn't you?
Oh, Yavuz, buddy, what I was holding was,
uh [exhales]
Ali Nazik.
You son of a bitch.
That's my masterpiece you took.
[Erşan] Look, Yavuz.
Yes, I took your script,
'cause you're my favorite filmmaker.
I mean, I love you
as much as I love cinema.
So, that's why I stole it.
It's love, Yavuz.
And compared to love,
what does life matter?
Nice line and I forgive you.
I'll use that in one of my movies.
[chuckles] Of course, go right ahead.
Hey, uh, if I stole from Tosun Pasha,
would that be all right?
So, instead of writing anything,
you're hellbent on stealing?
Yeah.
[Yavuz] I would kill myself
if this was lost.
Since you found my script,
I'll allow it this once.
- Tosun Pasha is at your disposal.
- [Erşan] Thank you.
Hey, Yavuz, you know those comedians
Uğur and Necati?
Let me tell you something.
I think that Uğur
is perfect for Ali Nazik.
Cast him in the movie, will ya?
It's early, but perhaps.
We'll see. Hopefully. We'll try.
[laughs]
Isn't it great
when movie people support each other?
Yeah, right. I knew
there was something fishy going on.
You've been bullshitting me all week
about Beyoğlu and lost values.
- You're shameless.
- Gimme a break!
Look, Yavuz was mature about it.
It's not the world that's lost.
It's humanity.
What's your problem?
I don't have time for this.
Tülay, get me the script for Tosun Pasha.
- [Tülay] But it was improvised.
- Go watch it and write down all the lines.
We'll need a frisky soundtrack.
[humming]
Like this. You heard it yourself.
The guy literally told me
to steal from Tosun Pasha.
Oh.
[Erşan sighs]
Şeker Bahri. Tosun Pasha. Şeker Pasha.
I'll wait till she's done.
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[man] Necati!
Necati!
- Necati, where are the girls?
- In the living room.
Damn it. This is just my luck.
Of course this happens
when we were almost out of the woods.
You mind showing me that diamond?
I wanna see it.
Now, you listen here.
If I catch you drinking any
of this shit while the pasha's here,
I'll cut your balls off and give them
to the girls as earrings.
- Understand me?
- [laughing] All right, Dad.
I promise. Not even a sip, okay?
Nartane!
Nurtane!
Yektane!
SUGAR PASHA
İkrah, hey.
Pour some of that right in here, please.
Help me out.
Did you hear what he said?
No, what did he say?
What did he say?
Nezaket.
Okay, don't worry, I got this.
All right, girls, listen to me.
So I had to make a quick decision.
The telegram gave me no chance to refuse.
Um, are we in character right now?
Yes, we stay in character.
It's critical that we pay attention
to the way we act.
Don't embarrass yourselves.
Şeker Pasha will be here.
His aide Mr. Şuğnu is with him.
Two people.
They'll be here spending the weekend
with us for just a couple of days.
I still haven't found a replacement
for the diamond.
Of course, the original one
is here with me.
[gasping]
When the replacement arrives,
we'll switch it with this one
and get out of here as fast as we can.
But you said they're asking
for your daughter's hand.
Which one of us is it?
[Nurtane] Yeah,
did they say anything about that?
No, they didn't mention that.
It doesn't matter, does it?
You can't be too careful.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, what if he wants to marry me?
I'd have to see him first.
I will if I like him.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's my daughter.
I decide who she marries.
That's what I'll say to him.
[Necati] To Şeker Pasha?
Do you really think if we tell him that,
he'll just accept it?
That's right.
Şeker Pasha will go if we tell him to.
- Why wouldn't he?
- I'm not so sure, Kirkor.
All of Egypt belongs to him.
And I heard he's bought half of Üsküdar.
Good Lord! I still don't understand
why any man would need an entire province.
It doesn't matter to us anyway.
They're coming, and we will host them
in a kind, considerate manner.
- And send them on. Understand?
- [man] Hey, Kirkor?
Don't call me that, you idiot!
[horse whinnies]
Here they are.
Leave the introductions to me.
I will welcome him like the soldier he is.
Where's the sword? I'll get the sword.
Where is it? I know military discipline.
I will give him
the best greeting you've ever seen.
Bekir, my son.
Bekir, stop. Will you calm down?
- The guy is a pasha.
- Bekir, calm down.
Hey, wait! Damn it, wait!
- Stop, man. Hold on.
- Bekir, don't you do it. That's enough.
[shouts] You cut me, you fucking moron.
Present!
- Oh, can you believe this?
- Sir, just play along.
Pasha, you are most welcome.
I'm Agah at your service.
How are you, Master Agah?
Thanks for having us.
Please. The honor is mine.
Hey, boss, I heard you own half
of Üsküdar? Is that true? [laughs]
[laughing] I'm sorry. The boy is mad.
This is my son Necati.
We welcome you, Pasha.
You do, do you?
Bless you, son, bless you.
Mr. Şuğnu, Agah's son and you are alike.
- See it? [laughing]
- I don't follow, Pasha.
- I'm only kidding. Please.
- The pasha and his jokes.
His schedule is full,
so if you don't mind.
- Not at all, sir. Please.
- This mansion is sick.
Yes, Pasha, we have some problems
with the roof.
The carpenter is fixing it next week.
We have some minor financial
issues, if you know what I mean.
- No, no, it's really sick. Very nice.
- We like it. Right this way, Pasha.
Please, sir.
Stop it.
Agah, it was a very bumpy journey.
I'm afraid it was quite an uncomfortable
ride for the pasha in that carriage.
The horses were running wild.
The poor pasha got no sleep,
but we made it.
I can never sleep.
I can't sleep with someone else
driving me. I always keep one eye open.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Here, Pasha, here's your tea.
Pasha, this is my daughter Yektane.
M-My pleasure, miss.
Sweetie, please serve his aide.
Miss Yektane, I don't need coffee,
but I would take your Turkish delight.
- I was in Crimea for my military service.
- [Pasha] You were?
Where were you stationed?
In the cafeteria.
- Wow! That's where I served as well.
- [Bekir] Yeah.
- Oh.
- [Şuğnu laughs]
The pasha's jokes are only
for the quick-witted.
[laughing]
[Agah] Of course.
The pasha is cute,
but then again, so is his aide.
We just need to focus on
getting out of this safely.
So gross. He said
he wanted my "Turkish delight."
I've never seen such audacity. Hmm!
I'm sure you didn't flirt
with him at all, little Miss Hot Pants.
- [laughing]
- [Yektane shushing]
Master Agah, you probably already know
what our intentions are.
When would you like to proceed?
After a few days, over the weekend maybe?
And tell me, where will my pasha sleep?
Necati, for the pasha's quarters
prepare the large guest room,
if you please,
and for his aide,
the small room next door.
Right. We'll need to room together
for security reasons.
Hey, chief, if anyone
tries fucking with you,
I'll fuck them back till they pass out.
- Bekir, Bekir, I think you need some air.
- [laughing]
- Necati, Bekir could use some fresh air.
- Mnh-mnh. [laughs]
- Son-in-law, I assume.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
God punished me with my son-in-law.
Don't worry, sir.
We're here to turn your luck around.
There are in-laws, and there are in-laws.
[Agah] You're too kind, sir.
- Uh, your luggage?
- [Şuğnu] Well, we don't have any.
My sire just travels with a little bag,
like this one.
He always wears the same outfit, you see.
So, he says
he doesn't need luggage. Really.
It's true, Agah. You understand [laughs]
no matter where I am, this is all I need.
Look, show you what I mean.
Just my toothbrush.
And that's about it, sir.
Just this and this.
[chuckles] Yes, of course, sir, very good.
And three daughters, was it?
No, I have four daughters. Three maidens.
That's the pasha's lucky number.
- Your quarters, Pasha.
- [sighs] Perfect.
[laughs] Well, sir,
after a little pee and poo,
we'll be right downstairs, won't we?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Certainly, sir. Be my guest.
Thank you, Master Agah. See you.
My, my, my, my, my. [sighs]
Hey, man, the girl is pretty, huh?
Don't you think?
The cafeteria in Crimea.
I was just kidding with them.
What's with the theatrics?
Man, I just read the room and improvised.
Listen, that man isn't stupid.
We have two days, Apti.
Two days. So, stop playing around.
So how are we getting him to show us
the diamond? We had it written down.
- We did. Yeah, hang on.
- Stick to the script. Make it sound clear.
Right, hang on.
[Şuğnu] Ah.
- "Master."
- Good.
"I want to offer my future bride
a wedding gift of equal value."
- "We should have it appraised."
- Appraised.
That's what it says here.
But I could add, "Agah, you sly bastard"
to help sell it.
Look, man, this is not a horse auction.
Just say what's on the damn page.
Mm, that girl.
Mm. She's really something else, boss.
Oh, I wish we could take her with us.
The girls are pretty.
Especially the one with those eyes.
- Which one?
- Whichever. Who cares?
But seriously, there's no place
for emotions in our line of work, okay?
Flirt all you want,
but never fall in love.
Listen, man, once we have that diamond,
we can have any girl we want.
Can we buy half of Üsküdar?
Kid, when we're done,
we can buy all of it. [laughing]
I have an idea.
At some point, I could say,
"Aide, come to me!"
And give you a little slap.
Well, if you have to.
Okay, cool. I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, we should poop now.
I don't need to.
Kirkor, I have
a really bad feeling about those two.
Have patience, woman.
It's too late now
to leave everything and run.
Bekir, you moron, are you deaf?
I told you not to get drunk.
You're going to ruin everything, you fool.
Look, Kirkor,
we're almost through with this thing.
Just take it easy.
Necati, go to Şişhane at once.
Track down that craftsman
and bring back the replacement stone.
Got it. I'll go soon.
I don't trust that pasha
and his aide one bit.
Perhaps, I can even make them
leave right after dinner.
[chuckles] Hold on, babe,
what's the hurry?
Look at the girls. They're on fire.
Maybe one of them will end up
a pasha's wife from this charade.
You never know, do you?
Come on, girl, what are you talking about?
Ladies, do you hear yourselves?
After we get the diamond,
we're getting the hell out.
What are you talking about,
"pasha's wife"?
As soon as we have the diamond,
you're all gonna live like sultans.
My God! What's wrong with you?
I, for one, like the pasha.
We're surrounded
by acrobats, singers, musicians.
Having a pasha friend would be great.
I think you're wrong about this, Kirkor.
I'm sorry, but I gotta say it.
Oh, shut up, you drunk.
Just remember, we have to
be out of this house
before the real Agah
and his family show up here.
And that's why
I'm the great Kirkor of Papatyan.
I have what it takes to see this little
drama of ours through to the end.
[chuckles] Oh, my goodness.
You have spared no expense on us.
Everything looks wonderful,
Master Agah. [chuckles]
Pasha, that mutton leg is
from the Balıkesir region.
You know, that animal was fed
on nothing but wild thyme.
Oh, sir, this is all way too much, really.
- Sir, would you like some?
- Ah.
Well, you know, Master Agah,
we've had a chance
to get to know each other.
You think sherbet is the way to go?
[laughs] Perhaps some wine
is more to your taste.
Bekir, pour a glass of wine for the pasha,
if you would.
[Bekir groans]
Well, sir, you know,
as long as you can hold your liquor.
- Right.
- Yes, certainly.
Pasha likes to drink,
and he's not shy about it.
[coughs]
Sir.
Merlot.
And what a Merlot. [hiccups]
- I can tell from the smell of your breath.
- And you, Mr. Aide. [laughs]
Excuse me, Father, may I have a word?
Of course. Pasha, excuse me.
Would you mind if I
No, not at all.
What's wrong, man?
Here, boss.
He said if anyone can tell this
from the real thing, they can fuck him.
Wow!
Master Ara said that?
That's confidence. Okay, good to know.
- All right, show it to me.
- They're the same. They're the same!
Holy shit balls!
He may be a tricky bastard,
but that Ara is a real artist.
It's an exact replica. Well done.
Let me see it, Kirkor.
- He's really done an exact replica.
- Careful.
I mean, wow.
Let me see that. An exact replica.
You gotta hand it to the man.
This is the real one?
Yes, that's the real one.
Hey, wait a second. You can't do that.
- Now this. Now, this is the real one.
- [splutters]
No, that's the one I brought with me.
You took that one from me.
- You take this. That's it. Here you go.
- Wait.
- I brought the replica.
- Shh! All right, easy.
- Kirkor, keep this, so there's no mix-up.
- Which one is the real one?
It's that one.
- Is it?
- You take this.
- Keep it so we won't get confused.
- You moron. Stupid drunken mutt.
How could you do this?
Why would you shuffle them around?
- Now I can't tell which is which.
- No shuffling. So, is this it?
- Give it to me. Asshole, hand it over.
- Don't get confused. Don't mix 'em.
Hand it over!
Master Agah.
May I help you?
Dinner's getting cold.
Sir, I have something I need to sort out.
I'll be right with you.
I was gonna ask you to take out that
Buffalo's Eye diamond after dinner
so that we can all feast our eyes on it.
The pasha has been asking about it
since the road. He'd like to see it.
I'll go polish it up for you, my friend,
and we'll be right with you.
You polish it.
- Here, go and polish this fucking thing.
- Okay.
Nah, it doesn't need polish. [laughs]
Oh, yeah, it doesn't need polish?
We don't need to polish it,
you stupid fucking douchebag?
How the hell can I tell them apart?
We already know it's that one, isn't it?
[Kirkor] Oh!
Oh, I'm very curious, Your Excellency.
I don't know if you've heard,
but Hatayspor and Silistra will
be playing at the stadium.
Do you plan to attend?
I think Silistra will win 2-0.
I see. What about you, sir?
Ma'am, you know that new football club?
It's only 15-days-old.
- Fenerbahçe.
- In Kadıköy.
[Şuğnu] Yeah, that's who I support.
They give you that tense,
always on-the-edge feeling.
We watched a game at Papazın Çayırı.
We led the whole time.
We were still like,
that's how supporting Fenerbahçe is.
It's always intense.
They said they'd hire a new coach,
but I'll believe it when I see it.
And your favorite novel?
- Um, Superman, he's great.
- [shouts]
Exactly. Superman.
- Superman is just I mean, wow.
- You're right. He's amazing.
My favorite novel is
by Recaizade Mahmud Ekrem. Araba Sevdası.
Wow.
- Son of a gun! I mean, what?
- [laughing]
Really, he's a fine dude.
He's got some decent passages.
- There's too much fuss about this guy.
- Yeah, nothing to write home about.
- I mean, really. Overrated.
- Yeah.
That's my aide. Now, listen to me.
Agah, let's see the diamond,
that Buffalo's Eye.
- We'll celebrate it together.
- [Agah] Certainly, sir.
He asked about it the whole trip. [laughs]
- Very well, sir. Here. Let me show you.
- So
Here's our world-famous family heirloom,
the Buffalo's Eye.
If you'll allow me,
I'll say a few words about its worth.
To this day, no jeweler
has ever been able to appraise it.
Could you buy Üsküdar with it?
More, more, Üsküdar's nothing. [laughing]
- That much, huh? Wow. Bağlarbaşı?
- [laughing]
Bağlarbaşı, Hekimbaşı,
Çavuşbaşı, all of them.
- [laughing]
- I can hardly believe that, really.
- And now I'll put it away.
- Not so fast, Agah.
Agah.
Agah, afraid I'll swallow it?
I didn't mean that, sir, not at all.
- No, no. Put it in my hand.
- That's right.
[Agah] You're embarrassing me.
- Put it in my hand, please!
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Sir, maybe you should slow down.
- Let me feel it before you put it away.
[laughs]
What's the rush?
- My sire's jokes.
- Oh, yeah. [laughing]
- Very funny.
- For the quick-witted. Right.
That's the Buffalo's Eye.
- Oh, yes.
- May it bring fortune to its owner.
Yes, may I have it back,
sir, if you're done with it?
- Mind if I take a look as well? Yeah.
- Not at all, sir, please.
- Go ahead.
- Come to me. [sighs]
Very nice, very nice.
- Agah.
- What is it, Pasha?
- All right, thank you. Here it is.
- They're pretty.
- Yes, sir.
- The girls are pretty.
[Agah] Thank you, Pasha.
- Prettiest thing I've ever fucking seen.
- [laughing]
- Sir.
- Come in here.
- Yes.
- [Pasha] Eh
- Will you call me "son-in-law"?
- [chuckles]
- Sir. [laughing]
- Can I call you "Daddy Bear"?
- You're hilarious.
- Pasha, let's slow down, Pasha.
Let's slow down a bit.
Would the pasha like a sorbet perhaps?
Mm. I would very much like that.
I'm so fucking wasted, Dilaver.
[laughing]
- Easy, Pasha, Pasha. We're okay.
- [Bekir] Mr. Aide.
Would you like
for me to play a little music?
Oh, please. Please, do.
I need to use to bathroom, please.
- Excuse me.
- [Agah] Of course, please.
I will be back in a second. [exhales]
[Pasha] I'd drink this shit every day
[indistinct chattering]
[gasps] Come on, I've got it.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a second. They mixed up the diamonds.
- The one you've got may not be real.
- Mixed up how?
Nezaket.
[clears throat] Of course, sir,
the bathroom is that way.
Thank you, ma'am.
We're screwed.
We can't leave yet.
The diamonds are mixed up.
I know. I know. Bekir told me.
[both exhale]
[grunts] Do you happen
to have a lute I could play?
I'm not sure.
It's upstairs. Check upstairs.
[Pasha chattering indistinctly, laughing]
I need to examine the other stone.
To compare the copies.
[sighs] We'll talk tonight.
- [gasps] I wish I could
- Stop it!
[Turkish music playing]
[laughing]
[Şuğnu] Play that thing, my friend.
- [Agah] Bravo!
- [laughing]
[in Turkish] Is that a horseman I see? ♪
Ask him if he's from Baghdad ♪
Ask him if he's from Baghdad ♪
I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
[laughing]
[Kirkor exhales]
- [in English] I know this seems bad.
- What are we gonna do with those guys?
Listen, kids,
we can no longer replace
the real stone with the fake one, okay?
As soon as they're asleep,
we're gonna take the two stones
and get out of here.
Kirkor, hold on.
The aide switched them at the table.
There are three stones. How can we leave?
- Oh, fucking hell!
- Oh, no!
Three stones?
How can we know which one is which, huh?
I mean, every game
should have rules, right?
- What's going on?
- We can't leave yet.
Why do you have the stone anyway, Kirkor?
Give it here.
[in Turkish] I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
I'm falling in love all over again ♪
I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
I'm falling in love ♪
[in English] Guys, stop it!
- Stop the music! Just hang on a second.
- Pasha, maybe we should
Quiet now, aide. Your master's speaking.
- Pasha.
- Yektane.
Yeah.
You are more precious than any diamond.
[gags, inhales]
And I would give away
half of Üsküdar for you.
- Get over here, my aide.
- [Şuğnu] Oh!
- My pasha.
- Give her the deed.
Your Excellency.
- Sir.
- Yektane is upset. Please, it's okay.
Pasha, maybe her brother could get
a piece, just a small piece of Üsküdar?
- Who's this prick?
- [Şuğnu] Wait, hold on.
- I'm her brother Necati.
- [splutters] Necat Necati.
- Look, I'm sorry.
- Why didn't you just say so, huh?
- I'm really sorry. Forgive us.
- [Agah] It's okay. It's okay.
- It's okay, man.
- He didn't do anything.
No, we're good.
I just kissed him. We're good.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
- Master Agah, let's take him to bed.
Everyone's invited to my engagement party
right here tomorrow night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Sir, we'll be there.
- Promise me you'll come.
Absolutely. We'd be glad to.
Anything for you, sir.
- Master Agah, let's take the pasha to bed.
- Yes, this way.
- Let's go. Come on.
- All right, sir, let's get you to bed.
- I didn't mean to upset I'm in love.
- Sir, please, listen
I'm in love! [grunts]
Sir, listen, this is upsetting me now.
- You're upset with me?
- Please, sir.
Look, the ladies are upset too.
First of all, I'm sorry, everyone.
I'd like to apologize.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Am I upsetting you?
Yes, I am upset.
- I am so sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'm really upset. All right.
I mean it. This is
disturbing Master Agah's household.
- I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
- It's okay. It's okay. Really, it's okay.
You've been a great host.
This has been great.
- Let's go up to bed.
- Hang on. Wait a minute, please.
- Hang on a minute. [shouts]
- No, sir.
- I just
- Listen to me.
I just wanna say
it's fucking bullshit
the way you patronize me
just for mixing up my lines.
- Asshole!
- Whoa, Pasha.
[Pasha retching]
That's it. Throw it all up.
[coughs, grunts]
Ugh! Man, I feel terrible.
It's all because I mixed wine with raki.
I drank too fast.
[groans]
Oh, it must have been moonshine.
I hope so.
I hope you go blind, you bastard!
[groans] Wait a minute.
Did you get the stone?
I did, but we can't leave.
They switched the damn things.
What? Who? [retches]
- Listen up.
- [gags]
I'll tell them I'm Şeker Pasha.
I'll tell them
you switched places with me.
You got it?
Tomorrow, you're the aide. I'm the pasha.
No, you're not.
You're not the pasha. I am.
Yeah, so you can take a shit in the foyer?
I don't give a damn. I'm the pasha.
I haven't read the other part yet.
I'm the pasha!
And this is how you rehearsed?
[groans]
Gimme the stone. I wanna look at it.
[groaning]
Wait. It's gone.
- What do you mean it's gone?
- It's not here.
You had one fucking job.
[retching]
[Şuğnu] That's the plan.
They don't call me
Dilaver of Ahırkapı for nothing.
So don't fuck this up for me!
[Pasha] Sounds like
you've already fucked it up.
[Şuğnu] You're really pissing me off!
Here you go, babe.
- Where?
- Good.
Thank you.
Listen to me.
That freak Kirkor is stalling us,
but I can't figure out why.
We were supposed
to take the diamond and leave.
Now all of a sudden there's multiples?
Huh?
You guys, I was just eavesdropping.
That aide's real name
is Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
And that moron with him isn't Şeker Pasha.
But who he is, I don't know.
Here. The aide snatched this at the table.
But God knows if it's authentic.
Even if we could get out of here
with this, it might all be for nothing.
- [gasps]
- Girls.
Why aren't you asleep yet?
Well, we couldn't fall asleep,
'cause we were nervous.
Hmm.
[gasping]
- Is everyone asleep?
- Yeah, they are.
I asked Ara to open his shop.
Look.
[gasps] This is handmade.
And this is a pain in the ass.
- Good, good. They're both good.
- [snorts]
We'll take the others
from Kirkor and then
[snaps fingers, exhales]
- we're gone.
- [laughs] I love you, man.
You what?
I'm sorry, man.
I wanted to add another layer of intrigue.
You're joking?
- I'm joking, man. A little joke. I swear.
- Hmm.
But you know,
there's another one.
That fucking aide switched the stones.
You gotta believe me.
Right now,
there are five stones in the house.
And we only know that these two are fake.
Is that the truth?
[gasps] Ah, shit.
Dilaver, hey.
What's going on?
We're having breakfast downstairs,
and you're going to say that
you were always Şuğnu, the aide.
And if I ask for something,
you'll say "Yes, sir. Certainly."
And what if I don't play along?
I've meticulously planned this scheme.
If you ruin it,
I promise I'll strangle you!
And if you want your share,
then you'll shut up and play the aide.
Dilaver. Dilaver!
Pasha.
- What the hell?
- Oh, Fahriye.
How in God's name did we screw up
like this? This is a disaster.
We were supposed
to be gone with the diamond by now.
All right, all right.
So you give me the one you have.
Come on! I stole
this diamond from Kirkor yesterday.
Give me yours, come on.
I can't tell
if it's real just by looking at it.
Give it to me already. Fuck! [chuckles]
I can't. They nicked it.
I don't even have it anymore. [gasps]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning, sir, good morning.
Um, well, Mr. Aide, but this outfit
Sir, I am Vahap Talha,
also known as Şeker Pasha.
I played a very traditional game
on your house.
I switched places with my aide.
Better I thought for many security reasons
and to meet the girls,
I decided to conceal myself.
How nice. I don't know what to say.
And I'm not Master Agah.
You see, I'm the gardener,
shoemaker and the village idiot.
- [all laugh]
- But really, I am Şeker Pasha.
And this is the deed to half of Üsküdar.
- Oh, my goodness. Is that real?
- Indeed.
My aide Şuğnu.
Uh, Mr. Şuğnu, please.
[chuckles] Last night he had a little
too much to drink, so he could be asleep.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- [Necati] Hey, Dad.
[chuckles] You see, His Excellency
has been playing a joke on us.
Wait, listen to me. It's not a joke.
It was a traditional game.
Like the ones where the aide and maid
you know, something like that.
[Bekir] I knew it. I swear.
Hey, he may have fooled you,
but he never fooled me.
- I'll kiss your hand. Allow me.
- No need.
- Allow me, sir.
- You're crazy, son. [laughs]
Your Excellency, breakfast is served.
This way, sir.
Of course, but someone
should go get my aide.
He should eat.
- Certainly, sir.
- Right this way.
- [Dilaver] Head of the table?
- Of course.
- Good morning, Nezaket.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
I'm just going to go check on the aide.
[Nezaket] Mr. Aide.
[man] Here you go. They're the same.
- Ah!
- [laughing]
- Thanks.
- Great, my friend. Here, as promised.
Listen, this watch is very valuable,
so if I don't
see my money in a week,
I will show you no mercy.
All right, all right.
I'll do my best, okay?
This is good work.
- Exactly the same. Exactly!
- [laughing]
They are the same.
Master Agah, I'm sure you'll agree,
our lives are hard.
And why? Because of prejudice.
Whenever you go anywhere or do anything,
people always wanna talk.
First of all,
they call you a rich bastard.
And that's the least serious one.
Am I right?
"Look at that asshole's carriage,"
they say.
Or perhaps, "Too much contentment
has turned that fucker gay," I mean.
I don't think they'd go that far.
- [Nezaket] Shh!
- They would. Why wouldn't they?
All right, enough, damn it. Just drop it.
Pasha, if in any way,
we've offended you, please forgive us.
My dear, pour him some tea.
Oh, thank you so much. There's no need.
Um, Pasha, I would like
to ask you a question, if you don't mind.
Darling, now is not the time.
No, Father, it's important.
Is asking for his daughter's hand
all just part of your game?
'Cause we were having a lot of trouble
understanding that. Was that it?
Yes, if you would be so kind
to elaborate on that.
I mean, you come into our house
with this whole
"I like your daughter,
and I'm gonna snatch her up" attitude.
You know what I mean, sir?
But that's not how we were raised.
Maybe I'm being too blunt.
I don't know what else to say, Excellency.
Hey, if I called you "Dilaver,"
would that be clearer for you?
[chuckling] Dilaver?
Where'd that come from?
My name is no secret, you know.
It's Vahap, my dear.
Any encyclopedia will tell you.
You crazy girl.
How the hell did you come up with Dilaver?
[laughing]
Mrs. Nezaket, have you seen my aide,
by the way?
I'm sorry. I knocked,
but there was no one in there.
Oh, really?
Master Agah, here's what
I think we should do.
That great, big diamond you showed me?
Now, what I have here, if you'll allow me,
um, is a title deed. Look.
It says Üsküdar here.
It says Üsküdar, and it's actually, um,
half of Üsküdar. That's what it says.
Half of Üsküdar. How shall I put this?
Listen, um,
I know this is nowhere near
its actual value, but how about
I hand this title deed over to you
and put that diamond to some good use?
You know, like an engagement gift.
Could you accept that?
Half of Üsküdar
is pretty generous, Father.
Half of it, yeah, but which half?
Oh, right. You know
when you're in Üsküdar?
- Yeah.
- Salacak, the coastal part.
It's there, that half.
Oh, the coastal side.
The coastal side will be very valuable.
Indeed. Exactly half. And here it is.
Well, Your Excellency,
I'm not sure what I should say right now.
[knock on door]
Necati, get the door
and see who that is, please.
Half of it, the coastal side.
That half of it.
[knocking]
[high-pitched] I've been banging
since forever,
and you wouldn't open it.
This is outrageous.
Do you have any idea who I am?
- No, I don't.
- No idea?
Who?
You don't even know that.
You must not know anything.
Who the hell is this? Is he crazy or what?
I mean, goodness!
I scream my lungs out,
and none of you open the door for me?
That boy over there with the fucking
mustache almost didn't let me in.
I said I'm Yasemin,
the nursing mother of Master Agah's
daughters, and he stared.
- Which Yasemin?
- [Yasemin] You ask which Yasemin?
Hmm! [muttering]
Yasemin. Happy now?
Who the hell is this?
No frickin' idea.
Girls, this lady was
your wet nurse. Yasemin.
Well, aren't you just a vision?
Thank you, Nartane, Nurtane, Yektane.
Agah, is that you, you old fucker?
I recognized your voice. [laughs]
Hey, why didn't you open the door for me,
you bed wetters?
Oh, who is this? Who is this man?
Oh, he is a stranger.
Aww, oh, this medal came right off.
Stop with this vaudeville act.
Get out of here.
Here's your medal.
You can sit back down now, son.
Go on, sit. Hey, hey, hey.
I have news for you,
frightful news, I might add.
Everyone's been talking
about how that great, big diamond,
you know the one I mean,
that Buffalo's Eye
has been stolen from you.
My dears, I have ears everywhere.
So then, I immediately rushed
to the Grand Bazaar.
And I asked the most clever sorcerers
to help in my research. [gasps]
My!
The stories I've heard
about that diamond are scandalous.
Begone, you pest.
Can't you see that we're talking?
Calm down, Your Excellency.
Leave the poor lady alone.
Oh, my sweet baby.
Pasha, you'll never believe
the things they told me.
But the title deed,
we were just getting to it.
- Yes.
- Dilaver, sir.
I think you should let it go.
Yes, that's right.
You won't believe the news I have, Pasha.
Bless you, baby.
Thanks for the water. God bless you.
Well, anyway,
at long last,
I found myself at Zuhuratbaba's tomb.
There's this man there.
He takes one look at the water
and tells me exactly where the diamond is.
I took the trouble of going there
because we were old friends,
and I was in your employment.
I took the diamond and came here.
Here you go, Master Agah.
[chuckles] That's not possible, ma'am.
I have the diamond myself right here.
Hold on, Kirkor. Not so fast, babe.
It could be the one I have.
- Who's Kirkor? Nezaket.
- [gasps]
We're selling each other out?
All right, then, take a look.
Here's the real diamond.
The others are all fake.
Show them.
[gasps] Ma'am, this is the one
and only Buffalo's Eye. Bam!
[Bekir] Maybe it's this one.
Just thought I'd mention
since it's all out in the open,
and we're speaking freely.
You know something? God damn you all.
I told you to stay in character
no matter what happens.
This guy hasn't broken character
for two days.
Uh, Master Agah, trust me.
I am really Şeker Pasha.
[Agah] Oh, please,
stop it, for heaven's sake.
Master Agah, here's what we'll do.
I'll take everybody's diamonds myself.
I'll bring them to my jeweler,
and we'll learn which one is real.
While we wait, you can keep
the title deed to half of Üsküdar.
Wow, Dilaver, you're really something.
There's no pasha and no deed to Üsküdar.
This crook is Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
- Master Agah
- Kirkor. Kirkor. Kirkor Papatyan.
All right, Papatyan.
While you're at it, Nezaket and you
know each other, don't you?
Why don't you tell us that story?
Go ahead.
Okay, enough. You are Apti of Balat.
I think everyone knows that.
You came here in disguise already.
The pasha from earlier.
But you guys already recognized him.
You recognize the pasha from earlier.
- [all] No.
- You're kidding me.
Ah, be quiet, will ya?
Let's hear what the lady has to say.
Go ahead.
My darlings, this water
is from an appraiser.
Let's unburden ourselves
and place the diamonds
in the sacred water,
and we'll see who the lucky winner is. Ha!
Yeah, come on, let's find out.
I'll go first.
- Let's do this.
- [Dilaver] Right.
- Here.
- Here, take this too.
Yektane, sweetheart, thank you.
[gasps] This one or this one?
Maybe this one?
This one or that pretty one?
Let's see which one it is.
Abracadabra, alakazam.
Come to Mama, little diamond.
One stone goes in, and another comes out.
And just like that,
the lying snakes are out.
Ooh, I could see
they're still in this room.
Abracadabra, alakazam.
Come to Mama, little diamond.
Please return yourself
to your proper owner.
- Shall I remove it?
- [all] Do it.
Think you can trust me?
[Bekir] Go ahead, take it out.
- Take it out!
- Here!
- [Agah gasps]
- Hey, are you fucking kidding us, lady?
No, son, look. See it for yourself.
So, all of them are fake,
and none of them are real.
Where are the diamonds?
What diamonds, man?
Apti, I'll strangle you.
Whoa! Easy now. Everyone back off!
[normal voice] I'm Apti of Balat.
You and all your fucking schemes, Dilaver.
If I'd stuck with Kirkor,
I'd be a rich lady.
Like you weren't the one
to bring me into this.
So you were with him from the beginning.
You even prepared
the fake stones for this.
All we wanted was
to steal like decent people.
Damn you! You fucked up my foolproof plan!
Where the hell are the diamonds?
No one's going anywhere. Either we're
in this together or it's over.
Drop it! Hey, drop that.
Hey, uh, Kirkor was your name?
Yes, damn it. I put up
with your pasha thing for two days.
- I'll make you pay for this. You'll see.
- Did I tell you I was a pasha?
I was an aide when I got here.
This motherfucker botched it,
so I had to become the pasha.
Drop the gun.
Bekir, drop it,
or I'll put a bullet between your eyes.
- Do it, man. Go ahead. I dare you.
- Wait!
Kirkor, man, no one
in your crew is even listening to you.
Come on, just think about it.
One of those stones has got to be real.
So why don't we take them
all out and share them?
Then we can leave here in peace, can't we?
Oh, please, do you think I'd do business
with crooks like you?
Besides, who the hell are you guys?
Man, I'm not even asking
for half of everything.
We can split it in ten,
and you can get seven, right?
We get three.
Seven tenths and three tenths.
No, no, it takes too long to calculate.
Hold on, everybody. I worked my ass off
to get my part right.
- I deserve the diamond.
- Shut up! I'm tired of this shit.
Wait, my love, please.
- My love?
- I'm just kidding, man.
I'll shoot you first. I'm not kidding.
- Take out the stones.
- No, don't do it, dummy. Don't!
What's going on here? Who are you people?
Sir, well, we're just
Uh, I wish we had some funny music.
- Maybe in the background.
- [whimsical music playing]
Um, that way, you'd see
that we are not the kind of
people you think we are, really.
[humming]
You know, zithers playing. That stuff.
Silence, ponce.
- [music stops]
- Ponce is really great.
Honestly, that's my favorite word
from this era.
[sighs]
- İkrah, well, is this all of them?
- Yes, sir.
Kirkor, sir. Actors, I presume.
I am.
And an actor's journey is a strange one.
Besides, what is an actor?
You see, sir,
we exist only as long as we play.
And once the play is over
And thievery is what,
a personal hobby of yours?
We gave in to temptation, sir.
Whoever told you that there was
a diamond in this mansion
is the biggest offender of them all.
Yes, there is a stone here.
Called the Buffalo's Eye.
Necati, son, show them the stone.
Here it is.
Same as yours. They're exactly the same.
Hey, tell me, can we buy half
of Üsküdar with that thing?
You couldn't hire a carriage
to Üsküdar with this.
It's from the chandelier.
Our craftsman Ara made this for us.
In fact, the stone is totally worthless.
Oh, but the diamond rumor has spread.
Myth is better than truth, you see.
It holds no value at all.
We have a game
of showing it off from time to time.
The stone is worthless,
except as a way
to separate friends from enemies.
It shows our values.
And it shows where we truly stand.
It is a touchstone, my friends.
Perhaps now you understand
what I mean by that.
Now get the hell out.
I won't call the police.
Master Agah,
permission to kiss your hand, sir.
Never.
Thought I'd give it a shot.
If I see you here again,
I'll kick your asses.
You douchebag. Just shut up
and mind your own business.
- Move.
- We're going.
Well, it was certainly nice meeting you.
Fuck off!
Go.
- What'll you guys do now?
- We'll start by walking that way.
Have you ever acted?
No, please, I've seen a few plays,
and that's it.
- But you played the wet nurse well.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
And, sir, was I a better aide
or a better pasha?
Son, you're not much of an actor.
Yeah, people say that a lot to me.
But I was the best drunk ever.
No, no, he was the better drunk.
- At one point, I thought he shit the bed.
- Oh, man.
All right, just get in
and you can keep talking. Come on.
- Come on, come on. Come with us. Come on.
- Let's go. Why not?
- Come on.
- [Dilaver sighs]
- Come on. [grunts]
- Oh, thank you, man.
Let's move it!
- [Necati 1] Yeah.
- [Apti sighs]
If we could just get some sweet music
playing in the background,
we could end this thing on a high note.
You're right. I think
it's time they start playing some.
- [laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
THE END
I just hate that attitude
of angry old men, don't you?
So now I'd like to send you off
with a nice little song.
See? Neco.
A voice out of this world. [laughs]
Written by Olcayto Ahmet Tuğsuz.
All right, I'm going to play it now.
[dance music playing]
[man singing in Turkish]
[in Turkish] Take it away.
[music continues]
[theme music playing]
SOCIALITE JOURNAL
ERŞAN KUNERİ'S CINEMA DEBU
[Erşan] Let's shoot in here.
We can show everyone another room.
I'd like to send the Erşan Kuneri fans
out there a little kiss.
Oh, and to all of you actors
who like to reenact my films
[kisses]well done.
You kids are doing great work. Kisses.
[woman] Tell us, Erşan,
would you do a movie or drama
if they asked you today?
- Oh, no, no, my dear.
- [woman] You wouldn't?
- Imagine me doing it.
- [man] Really?
At this age, imagine how I'd play.
How could I?
- [man] No, don't say that.
- Drama? Ah, not for me.
- [woman] Why not?
- All that staring would bore me.
- [both laughing]
- Besides, I'm well off financially.
[man] That's great.
- I'd get bored. I know I would.
- [man] Right.
Hey, listen, how would you like to hear
what a fan wrote to me on a postcard?
[man] Yes, please.
"My dear Erşan."
- [man] Hmm.
- He says he loves all my films, of course.
Then he calls me a "sly fucker."
- Can you believe that?
- [woman laughs]
- That's my fan base for you.
- [man laughs]
- Yeah.
- "Sly fucker." That's what he calls me.
"The Şeker Pasha film was great.
Who'd you steal the idea from?"
- [man] Oh!
- Who did I steal it from?
Same as always.
From the best, of course. The very best.
Picasso said that, you know.
He said an artist
should steal from the best.
And that's where I stole for Şeker Pasha.
[theme music playing]
In this heat, a fur coat?
I don't care if I roast.
I waited for this long enough.
[Erşan] Hmm.
- Now, that is true love.
- Yeah, it was on sale.
- Hmm.
- Hey, so how's it going?
Mami, I think
I have really done it this time.
I finished the scene
where Muhsin gets out of prison.
Um, he comes backstage.
Ali Nazik says,
"Oh, master, I had to save myself" to him.
Muhsin just goes,
"How'd that work out for ya?"
[gasps] I can already see
the audience just
Really, this is
something new, man, totally new.
Well, that's great.
Erşan, this script is incredible.
I mean, you've really outdone yourself
with this thing.
To me, this script is about
more than those years.
It's about the old world we've lost
and all of the values we used to have.
Yavuz, come in.
Oh, Yavuz,
Fahriye Abla was an amazing film.
That was a really great story.
- Coffee?
- No, I'm not staying.
Erşan, by chance were you
in the Galatasaray baths last week?
I was.
I left a file behind in the locker room.
A script. Muhsin Bey.
Muhsin Bey, but
[Yavuz] And worst of all,
it was the only copy.
I was miserable when I couldn't find it.
I think you left the baths
holding a file, didn't you?
Oh, Yavuz, buddy, what I was holding was,
uh [exhales]
Ali Nazik.
You son of a bitch.
That's my masterpiece you took.
[Erşan] Look, Yavuz.
Yes, I took your script,
'cause you're my favorite filmmaker.
I mean, I love you
as much as I love cinema.
So, that's why I stole it.
It's love, Yavuz.
And compared to love,
what does life matter?
Nice line and I forgive you.
I'll use that in one of my movies.
[chuckles] Of course, go right ahead.
Hey, uh, if I stole from Tosun Pasha,
would that be all right?
So, instead of writing anything,
you're hellbent on stealing?
Yeah.
[Yavuz] I would kill myself
if this was lost.
Since you found my script,
I'll allow it this once.
- Tosun Pasha is at your disposal.
- [Erşan] Thank you.
Hey, Yavuz, you know those comedians
Uğur and Necati?
Let me tell you something.
I think that Uğur
is perfect for Ali Nazik.
Cast him in the movie, will ya?
It's early, but perhaps.
We'll see. Hopefully. We'll try.
[laughs]
Isn't it great
when movie people support each other?
Yeah, right. I knew
there was something fishy going on.
You've been bullshitting me all week
about Beyoğlu and lost values.
- You're shameless.
- Gimme a break!
Look, Yavuz was mature about it.
It's not the world that's lost.
It's humanity.
What's your problem?
I don't have time for this.
Tülay, get me the script for Tosun Pasha.
- [Tülay] But it was improvised.
- Go watch it and write down all the lines.
We'll need a frisky soundtrack.
[humming]
Like this. You heard it yourself.
The guy literally told me
to steal from Tosun Pasha.
Oh.
[Erşan sighs]
Şeker Bahri. Tosun Pasha. Şeker Pasha.
I'll wait till she's done.
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[man] Necati!
Necati!
- Necati, where are the girls?
- In the living room.
Damn it. This is just my luck.
Of course this happens
when we were almost out of the woods.
You mind showing me that diamond?
I wanna see it.
Now, you listen here.
If I catch you drinking any
of this shit while the pasha's here,
I'll cut your balls off and give them
to the girls as earrings.
- Understand me?
- [laughing] All right, Dad.
I promise. Not even a sip, okay?
Nartane!
Nurtane!
Yektane!
SUGAR PASHA
İkrah, hey.
Pour some of that right in here, please.
Help me out.
Did you hear what he said?
No, what did he say?
What did he say?
Nezaket.
Okay, don't worry, I got this.
All right, girls, listen to me.
So I had to make a quick decision.
The telegram gave me no chance to refuse.
Um, are we in character right now?
Yes, we stay in character.
It's critical that we pay attention
to the way we act.
Don't embarrass yourselves.
Şeker Pasha will be here.
His aide Mr. Şuğnu is with him.
Two people.
They'll be here spending the weekend
with us for just a couple of days.
I still haven't found a replacement
for the diamond.
Of course, the original one
is here with me.
[gasping]
When the replacement arrives,
we'll switch it with this one
and get out of here as fast as we can.
But you said they're asking
for your daughter's hand.
Which one of us is it?
[Nurtane] Yeah,
did they say anything about that?
No, they didn't mention that.
It doesn't matter, does it?
You can't be too careful.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, what if he wants to marry me?
I'd have to see him first.
I will if I like him.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's my daughter.
I decide who she marries.
That's what I'll say to him.
[Necati] To Şeker Pasha?
Do you really think if we tell him that,
he'll just accept it?
That's right.
Şeker Pasha will go if we tell him to.
- Why wouldn't he?
- I'm not so sure, Kirkor.
All of Egypt belongs to him.
And I heard he's bought half of Üsküdar.
Good Lord! I still don't understand
why any man would need an entire province.
It doesn't matter to us anyway.
They're coming, and we will host them
in a kind, considerate manner.
- And send them on. Understand?
- [man] Hey, Kirkor?
Don't call me that, you idiot!
[horse whinnies]
Here they are.
Leave the introductions to me.
I will welcome him like the soldier he is.
Where's the sword? I'll get the sword.
Where is it? I know military discipline.
I will give him
the best greeting you've ever seen.
Bekir, my son.
Bekir, stop. Will you calm down?
- The guy is a pasha.
- Bekir, calm down.
Hey, wait! Damn it, wait!
- Stop, man. Hold on.
- Bekir, don't you do it. That's enough.
[shouts] You cut me, you fucking moron.
Present!
- Oh, can you believe this?
- Sir, just play along.
Pasha, you are most welcome.
I'm Agah at your service.
How are you, Master Agah?
Thanks for having us.
Please. The honor is mine.
Hey, boss, I heard you own half
of Üsküdar? Is that true? [laughs]
[laughing] I'm sorry. The boy is mad.
This is my son Necati.
We welcome you, Pasha.
You do, do you?
Bless you, son, bless you.
Mr. Şuğnu, Agah's son and you are alike.
- See it? [laughing]
- I don't follow, Pasha.
- I'm only kidding. Please.
- The pasha and his jokes.
His schedule is full,
so if you don't mind.
- Not at all, sir. Please.
- This mansion is sick.
Yes, Pasha, we have some problems
with the roof.
The carpenter is fixing it next week.
We have some minor financial
issues, if you know what I mean.
- No, no, it's really sick. Very nice.
- We like it. Right this way, Pasha.
Please, sir.
Stop it.
Agah, it was a very bumpy journey.
I'm afraid it was quite an uncomfortable
ride for the pasha in that carriage.
The horses were running wild.
The poor pasha got no sleep,
but we made it.
I can never sleep.
I can't sleep with someone else
driving me. I always keep one eye open.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Here, Pasha, here's your tea.
Pasha, this is my daughter Yektane.
M-My pleasure, miss.
Sweetie, please serve his aide.
Miss Yektane, I don't need coffee,
but I would take your Turkish delight.
- I was in Crimea for my military service.
- [Pasha] You were?
Where were you stationed?
In the cafeteria.
- Wow! That's where I served as well.
- [Bekir] Yeah.
- Oh.
- [Şuğnu laughs]
The pasha's jokes are only
for the quick-witted.
[laughing]
[Agah] Of course.
The pasha is cute,
but then again, so is his aide.
We just need to focus on
getting out of this safely.
So gross. He said
he wanted my "Turkish delight."
I've never seen such audacity. Hmm!
I'm sure you didn't flirt
with him at all, little Miss Hot Pants.
- [laughing]
- [Yektane shushing]
Master Agah, you probably already know
what our intentions are.
When would you like to proceed?
After a few days, over the weekend maybe?
And tell me, where will my pasha sleep?
Necati, for the pasha's quarters
prepare the large guest room,
if you please,
and for his aide,
the small room next door.
Right. We'll need to room together
for security reasons.
Hey, chief, if anyone
tries fucking with you,
I'll fuck them back till they pass out.
- Bekir, Bekir, I think you need some air.
- [laughing]
- Necati, Bekir could use some fresh air.
- Mnh-mnh. [laughs]
- Son-in-law, I assume.
- Yes, I'm afraid so.
God punished me with my son-in-law.
Don't worry, sir.
We're here to turn your luck around.
There are in-laws, and there are in-laws.
[Agah] You're too kind, sir.
- Uh, your luggage?
- [Şuğnu] Well, we don't have any.
My sire just travels with a little bag,
like this one.
He always wears the same outfit, you see.
So, he says
he doesn't need luggage. Really.
It's true, Agah. You understand [laughs]
no matter where I am, this is all I need.
Look, show you what I mean.
Just my toothbrush.
And that's about it, sir.
Just this and this.
[chuckles] Yes, of course, sir, very good.
And three daughters, was it?
No, I have four daughters. Three maidens.
That's the pasha's lucky number.
- Your quarters, Pasha.
- [sighs] Perfect.
[laughs] Well, sir,
after a little pee and poo,
we'll be right downstairs, won't we?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Certainly, sir. Be my guest.
Thank you, Master Agah. See you.
My, my, my, my, my. [sighs]
Hey, man, the girl is pretty, huh?
Don't you think?
The cafeteria in Crimea.
I was just kidding with them.
What's with the theatrics?
Man, I just read the room and improvised.
Listen, that man isn't stupid.
We have two days, Apti.
Two days. So, stop playing around.
So how are we getting him to show us
the diamond? We had it written down.
- We did. Yeah, hang on.
- Stick to the script. Make it sound clear.
Right, hang on.
[Şuğnu] Ah.
- "Master."
- Good.
"I want to offer my future bride
a wedding gift of equal value."
- "We should have it appraised."
- Appraised.
That's what it says here.
But I could add, "Agah, you sly bastard"
to help sell it.
Look, man, this is not a horse auction.
Just say what's on the damn page.
Mm, that girl.
Mm. She's really something else, boss.
Oh, I wish we could take her with us.
The girls are pretty.
Especially the one with those eyes.
- Which one?
- Whichever. Who cares?
But seriously, there's no place
for emotions in our line of work, okay?
Flirt all you want,
but never fall in love.
Listen, man, once we have that diamond,
we can have any girl we want.
Can we buy half of Üsküdar?
Kid, when we're done,
we can buy all of it. [laughing]
I have an idea.
At some point, I could say,
"Aide, come to me!"
And give you a little slap.
Well, if you have to.
Okay, cool. I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, we should poop now.
I don't need to.
Kirkor, I have
a really bad feeling about those two.
Have patience, woman.
It's too late now
to leave everything and run.
Bekir, you moron, are you deaf?
I told you not to get drunk.
You're going to ruin everything, you fool.
Look, Kirkor,
we're almost through with this thing.
Just take it easy.
Necati, go to Şişhane at once.
Track down that craftsman
and bring back the replacement stone.
Got it. I'll go soon.
I don't trust that pasha
and his aide one bit.
Perhaps, I can even make them
leave right after dinner.
[chuckles] Hold on, babe,
what's the hurry?
Look at the girls. They're on fire.
Maybe one of them will end up
a pasha's wife from this charade.
You never know, do you?
Come on, girl, what are you talking about?
Ladies, do you hear yourselves?
After we get the diamond,
we're getting the hell out.
What are you talking about,
"pasha's wife"?
As soon as we have the diamond,
you're all gonna live like sultans.
My God! What's wrong with you?
I, for one, like the pasha.
We're surrounded
by acrobats, singers, musicians.
Having a pasha friend would be great.
I think you're wrong about this, Kirkor.
I'm sorry, but I gotta say it.
Oh, shut up, you drunk.
Just remember, we have to
be out of this house
before the real Agah
and his family show up here.
And that's why
I'm the great Kirkor of Papatyan.
I have what it takes to see this little
drama of ours through to the end.
[chuckles] Oh, my goodness.
You have spared no expense on us.
Everything looks wonderful,
Master Agah. [chuckles]
Pasha, that mutton leg is
from the Balıkesir region.
You know, that animal was fed
on nothing but wild thyme.
Oh, sir, this is all way too much, really.
- Sir, would you like some?
- Ah.
Well, you know, Master Agah,
we've had a chance
to get to know each other.
You think sherbet is the way to go?
[laughs] Perhaps some wine
is more to your taste.
Bekir, pour a glass of wine for the pasha,
if you would.
[Bekir groans]
Well, sir, you know,
as long as you can hold your liquor.
- Right.
- Yes, certainly.
Pasha likes to drink,
and he's not shy about it.
[coughs]
Sir.
Merlot.
And what a Merlot. [hiccups]
- I can tell from the smell of your breath.
- And you, Mr. Aide. [laughs]
Excuse me, Father, may I have a word?
Of course. Pasha, excuse me.
Would you mind if I
No, not at all.
What's wrong, man?
Here, boss.
He said if anyone can tell this
from the real thing, they can fuck him.
Wow!
Master Ara said that?
That's confidence. Okay, good to know.
- All right, show it to me.
- They're the same. They're the same!
Holy shit balls!
He may be a tricky bastard,
but that Ara is a real artist.
It's an exact replica. Well done.
Let me see it, Kirkor.
- He's really done an exact replica.
- Careful.
I mean, wow.
Let me see that. An exact replica.
You gotta hand it to the man.
This is the real one?
Yes, that's the real one.
Hey, wait a second. You can't do that.
- Now this. Now, this is the real one.
- [splutters]
No, that's the one I brought with me.
You took that one from me.
- You take this. That's it. Here you go.
- Wait.
- I brought the replica.
- Shh! All right, easy.
- Kirkor, keep this, so there's no mix-up.
- Which one is the real one?
It's that one.
- Is it?
- You take this.
- Keep it so we won't get confused.
- You moron. Stupid drunken mutt.
How could you do this?
Why would you shuffle them around?
- Now I can't tell which is which.
- No shuffling. So, is this it?
- Give it to me. Asshole, hand it over.
- Don't get confused. Don't mix 'em.
Hand it over!
Master Agah.
May I help you?
Dinner's getting cold.
Sir, I have something I need to sort out.
I'll be right with you.
I was gonna ask you to take out that
Buffalo's Eye diamond after dinner
so that we can all feast our eyes on it.
The pasha has been asking about it
since the road. He'd like to see it.
I'll go polish it up for you, my friend,
and we'll be right with you.
You polish it.
- Here, go and polish this fucking thing.
- Okay.
Nah, it doesn't need polish. [laughs]
Oh, yeah, it doesn't need polish?
We don't need to polish it,
you stupid fucking douchebag?
How the hell can I tell them apart?
We already know it's that one, isn't it?
[Kirkor] Oh!
Oh, I'm very curious, Your Excellency.
I don't know if you've heard,
but Hatayspor and Silistra will
be playing at the stadium.
Do you plan to attend?
I think Silistra will win 2-0.
I see. What about you, sir?
Ma'am, you know that new football club?
It's only 15-days-old.
- Fenerbahçe.
- In Kadıköy.
[Şuğnu] Yeah, that's who I support.
They give you that tense,
always on-the-edge feeling.
We watched a game at Papazın Çayırı.
We led the whole time.
We were still like,
that's how supporting Fenerbahçe is.
It's always intense.
They said they'd hire a new coach,
but I'll believe it when I see it.
And your favorite novel?
- Um, Superman, he's great.
- [shouts]
Exactly. Superman.
- Superman is just I mean, wow.
- You're right. He's amazing.
My favorite novel is
by Recaizade Mahmud Ekrem. Araba Sevdası.
Wow.
- Son of a gun! I mean, what?
- [laughing]
Really, he's a fine dude.
He's got some decent passages.
- There's too much fuss about this guy.
- Yeah, nothing to write home about.
- I mean, really. Overrated.
- Yeah.
That's my aide. Now, listen to me.
Agah, let's see the diamond,
that Buffalo's Eye.
- We'll celebrate it together.
- [Agah] Certainly, sir.
He asked about it the whole trip. [laughs]
- Very well, sir. Here. Let me show you.
- So
Here's our world-famous family heirloom,
the Buffalo's Eye.
If you'll allow me,
I'll say a few words about its worth.
To this day, no jeweler
has ever been able to appraise it.
Could you buy Üsküdar with it?
More, more, Üsküdar's nothing. [laughing]
- That much, huh? Wow. Bağlarbaşı?
- [laughing]
Bağlarbaşı, Hekimbaşı,
Çavuşbaşı, all of them.
- [laughing]
- I can hardly believe that, really.
- And now I'll put it away.
- Not so fast, Agah.
Agah.
Agah, afraid I'll swallow it?
I didn't mean that, sir, not at all.
- No, no. Put it in my hand.
- That's right.
[Agah] You're embarrassing me.
- Put it in my hand, please!
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Sir, maybe you should slow down.
- Let me feel it before you put it away.
[laughs]
What's the rush?
- My sire's jokes.
- Oh, yeah. [laughing]
- Very funny.
- For the quick-witted. Right.
That's the Buffalo's Eye.
- Oh, yes.
- May it bring fortune to its owner.
Yes, may I have it back,
sir, if you're done with it?
- Mind if I take a look as well? Yeah.
- Not at all, sir, please.
- Go ahead.
- Come to me. [sighs]
Very nice, very nice.
- Agah.
- What is it, Pasha?
- All right, thank you. Here it is.
- They're pretty.
- Yes, sir.
- The girls are pretty.
[Agah] Thank you, Pasha.
- Prettiest thing I've ever fucking seen.
- [laughing]
- Sir.
- Come in here.
- Yes.
- [Pasha] Eh
- Will you call me "son-in-law"?
- [chuckles]
- Sir. [laughing]
- Can I call you "Daddy Bear"?
- You're hilarious.
- Pasha, let's slow down, Pasha.
Let's slow down a bit.
Would the pasha like a sorbet perhaps?
Mm. I would very much like that.
I'm so fucking wasted, Dilaver.
[laughing]
- Easy, Pasha, Pasha. We're okay.
- [Bekir] Mr. Aide.
Would you like
for me to play a little music?
Oh, please. Please, do.
I need to use to bathroom, please.
- Excuse me.
- [Agah] Of course, please.
I will be back in a second. [exhales]
[Pasha] I'd drink this shit every day
[indistinct chattering]
[gasps] Come on, I've got it.
Let's get out of here.
Wait a second. They mixed up the diamonds.
- The one you've got may not be real.
- Mixed up how?
Nezaket.
[clears throat] Of course, sir,
the bathroom is that way.
Thank you, ma'am.
We're screwed.
We can't leave yet.
The diamonds are mixed up.
I know. I know. Bekir told me.
[both exhale]
[grunts] Do you happen
to have a lute I could play?
I'm not sure.
It's upstairs. Check upstairs.
[Pasha chattering indistinctly, laughing]
I need to examine the other stone.
To compare the copies.
[sighs] We'll talk tonight.
- [gasps] I wish I could
- Stop it!
[Turkish music playing]
[laughing]
[Şuğnu] Play that thing, my friend.
- [Agah] Bravo!
- [laughing]
[in Turkish] Is that a horseman I see? ♪
Ask him if he's from Baghdad ♪
Ask him if he's from Baghdad ♪
I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
[laughing]
[Kirkor exhales]
- [in English] I know this seems bad.
- What are we gonna do with those guys?
Listen, kids,
we can no longer replace
the real stone with the fake one, okay?
As soon as they're asleep,
we're gonna take the two stones
and get out of here.
Kirkor, hold on.
The aide switched them at the table.
There are three stones. How can we leave?
- Oh, fucking hell!
- Oh, no!
Three stones?
How can we know which one is which, huh?
I mean, every game
should have rules, right?
- What's going on?
- We can't leave yet.
Why do you have the stone anyway, Kirkor?
Give it here.
[in Turkish] I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
I'm falling in love all over again ♪
I'm head over heels again
Trembling all over ♪
I'm falling in love ♪
[in English] Guys, stop it!
- Stop the music! Just hang on a second.
- Pasha, maybe we should
Quiet now, aide. Your master's speaking.
- Pasha.
- Yektane.
Yeah.
You are more precious than any diamond.
[gags, inhales]
And I would give away
half of Üsküdar for you.
- Get over here, my aide.
- [Şuğnu] Oh!
- My pasha.
- Give her the deed.
Your Excellency.
- Sir.
- Yektane is upset. Please, it's okay.
Pasha, maybe her brother could get
a piece, just a small piece of Üsküdar?
- Who's this prick?
- [Şuğnu] Wait, hold on.
- I'm her brother Necati.
- [splutters] Necat Necati.
- Look, I'm sorry.
- Why didn't you just say so, huh?
- I'm really sorry. Forgive us.
- [Agah] It's okay. It's okay.
- It's okay, man.
- He didn't do anything.
No, we're good.
I just kissed him. We're good.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
- Master Agah, let's take him to bed.
Everyone's invited to my engagement party
right here tomorrow night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Sir, we'll be there.
- Promise me you'll come.
Absolutely. We'd be glad to.
Anything for you, sir.
- Master Agah, let's take the pasha to bed.
- Yes, this way.
- Let's go. Come on.
- All right, sir, let's get you to bed.
- I didn't mean to upset I'm in love.
- Sir, please, listen
I'm in love! [grunts]
Sir, listen, this is upsetting me now.
- You're upset with me?
- Please, sir.
Look, the ladies are upset too.
First of all, I'm sorry, everyone.
I'd like to apologize.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Am I upsetting you?
Yes, I am upset.
- I am so sorry. I'm sorry.
- I'm really upset. All right.
I mean it. This is
disturbing Master Agah's household.
- I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
- It's okay. It's okay. Really, it's okay.
You've been a great host.
This has been great.
- Let's go up to bed.
- Hang on. Wait a minute, please.
- Hang on a minute. [shouts]
- No, sir.
- I just
- Listen to me.
I just wanna say
it's fucking bullshit
the way you patronize me
just for mixing up my lines.
- Asshole!
- Whoa, Pasha.
[Pasha retching]
That's it. Throw it all up.
[coughs, grunts]
Ugh! Man, I feel terrible.
It's all because I mixed wine with raki.
I drank too fast.
[groans]
Oh, it must have been moonshine.
I hope so.
I hope you go blind, you bastard!
[groans] Wait a minute.
Did you get the stone?
I did, but we can't leave.
They switched the damn things.
What? Who? [retches]
- Listen up.
- [gags]
I'll tell them I'm Şeker Pasha.
I'll tell them
you switched places with me.
You got it?
Tomorrow, you're the aide. I'm the pasha.
No, you're not.
You're not the pasha. I am.
Yeah, so you can take a shit in the foyer?
I don't give a damn. I'm the pasha.
I haven't read the other part yet.
I'm the pasha!
And this is how you rehearsed?
[groans]
Gimme the stone. I wanna look at it.
[groaning]
Wait. It's gone.
- What do you mean it's gone?
- It's not here.
You had one fucking job.
[retching]
[Şuğnu] That's the plan.
They don't call me
Dilaver of Ahırkapı for nothing.
So don't fuck this up for me!
[Pasha] Sounds like
you've already fucked it up.
[Şuğnu] You're really pissing me off!
Here you go, babe.
- Where?
- Good.
Thank you.
Listen to me.
That freak Kirkor is stalling us,
but I can't figure out why.
We were supposed
to take the diamond and leave.
Now all of a sudden there's multiples?
Huh?
You guys, I was just eavesdropping.
That aide's real name
is Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
And that moron with him isn't Şeker Pasha.
But who he is, I don't know.
Here. The aide snatched this at the table.
But God knows if it's authentic.
Even if we could get out of here
with this, it might all be for nothing.
- [gasps]
- Girls.
Why aren't you asleep yet?
Well, we couldn't fall asleep,
'cause we were nervous.
Hmm.
[gasping]
- Is everyone asleep?
- Yeah, they are.
I asked Ara to open his shop.
Look.
[gasps] This is handmade.
And this is a pain in the ass.
- Good, good. They're both good.
- [snorts]
We'll take the others
from Kirkor and then
[snaps fingers, exhales]
- we're gone.
- [laughs] I love you, man.
You what?
I'm sorry, man.
I wanted to add another layer of intrigue.
You're joking?
- I'm joking, man. A little joke. I swear.
- Hmm.
But you know,
there's another one.
That fucking aide switched the stones.
You gotta believe me.
Right now,
there are five stones in the house.
And we only know that these two are fake.
Is that the truth?
[gasps] Ah, shit.
Dilaver, hey.
What's going on?
We're having breakfast downstairs,
and you're going to say that
you were always Şuğnu, the aide.
And if I ask for something,
you'll say "Yes, sir. Certainly."
And what if I don't play along?
I've meticulously planned this scheme.
If you ruin it,
I promise I'll strangle you!
And if you want your share,
then you'll shut up and play the aide.
Dilaver. Dilaver!
Pasha.
- What the hell?
- Oh, Fahriye.
How in God's name did we screw up
like this? This is a disaster.
We were supposed
to be gone with the diamond by now.
All right, all right.
So you give me the one you have.
Come on! I stole
this diamond from Kirkor yesterday.
Give me yours, come on.
I can't tell
if it's real just by looking at it.
Give it to me already. Fuck! [chuckles]
I can't. They nicked it.
I don't even have it anymore. [gasps]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Good morning, sir, good morning.
Um, well, Mr. Aide, but this outfit
Sir, I am Vahap Talha,
also known as Şeker Pasha.
I played a very traditional game
on your house.
I switched places with my aide.
Better I thought for many security reasons
and to meet the girls,
I decided to conceal myself.
How nice. I don't know what to say.
And I'm not Master Agah.
You see, I'm the gardener,
shoemaker and the village idiot.
- [all laugh]
- But really, I am Şeker Pasha.
And this is the deed to half of Üsküdar.
- Oh, my goodness. Is that real?
- Indeed.
My aide Şuğnu.
Uh, Mr. Şuğnu, please.
[chuckles] Last night he had a little
too much to drink, so he could be asleep.
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- [Necati] Hey, Dad.
[chuckles] You see, His Excellency
has been playing a joke on us.
Wait, listen to me. It's not a joke.
It was a traditional game.
Like the ones where the aide and maid
you know, something like that.
[Bekir] I knew it. I swear.
Hey, he may have fooled you,
but he never fooled me.
- I'll kiss your hand. Allow me.
- No need.
- Allow me, sir.
- You're crazy, son. [laughs]
Your Excellency, breakfast is served.
This way, sir.
Of course, but someone
should go get my aide.
He should eat.
- Certainly, sir.
- Right this way.
- [Dilaver] Head of the table?
- Of course.
- Good morning, Nezaket.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
I'm just going to go check on the aide.
[Nezaket] Mr. Aide.
[man] Here you go. They're the same.
- Ah!
- [laughing]
- Thanks.
- Great, my friend. Here, as promised.
Listen, this watch is very valuable,
so if I don't
see my money in a week,
I will show you no mercy.
All right, all right.
I'll do my best, okay?
This is good work.
- Exactly the same. Exactly!
- [laughing]
They are the same.
Master Agah, I'm sure you'll agree,
our lives are hard.
And why? Because of prejudice.
Whenever you go anywhere or do anything,
people always wanna talk.
First of all,
they call you a rich bastard.
And that's the least serious one.
Am I right?
"Look at that asshole's carriage,"
they say.
Or perhaps, "Too much contentment
has turned that fucker gay," I mean.
I don't think they'd go that far.
- [Nezaket] Shh!
- They would. Why wouldn't they?
All right, enough, damn it. Just drop it.
Pasha, if in any way,
we've offended you, please forgive us.
My dear, pour him some tea.
Oh, thank you so much. There's no need.
Um, Pasha, I would like
to ask you a question, if you don't mind.
Darling, now is not the time.
No, Father, it's important.
Is asking for his daughter's hand
all just part of your game?
'Cause we were having a lot of trouble
understanding that. Was that it?
Yes, if you would be so kind
to elaborate on that.
I mean, you come into our house
with this whole
"I like your daughter,
and I'm gonna snatch her up" attitude.
You know what I mean, sir?
But that's not how we were raised.
Maybe I'm being too blunt.
I don't know what else to say, Excellency.
Hey, if I called you "Dilaver,"
would that be clearer for you?
[chuckling] Dilaver?
Where'd that come from?
My name is no secret, you know.
It's Vahap, my dear.
Any encyclopedia will tell you.
You crazy girl.
How the hell did you come up with Dilaver?
[laughing]
Mrs. Nezaket, have you seen my aide,
by the way?
I'm sorry. I knocked,
but there was no one in there.
Oh, really?
Master Agah, here's what
I think we should do.
That great, big diamond you showed me?
Now, what I have here, if you'll allow me,
um, is a title deed. Look.
It says Üsküdar here.
It says Üsküdar, and it's actually, um,
half of Üsküdar. That's what it says.
Half of Üsküdar. How shall I put this?
Listen, um,
I know this is nowhere near
its actual value, but how about
I hand this title deed over to you
and put that diamond to some good use?
You know, like an engagement gift.
Could you accept that?
Half of Üsküdar
is pretty generous, Father.
Half of it, yeah, but which half?
Oh, right. You know
when you're in Üsküdar?
- Yeah.
- Salacak, the coastal part.
It's there, that half.
Oh, the coastal side.
The coastal side will be very valuable.
Indeed. Exactly half. And here it is.
Well, Your Excellency,
I'm not sure what I should say right now.
[knock on door]
Necati, get the door
and see who that is, please.
Half of it, the coastal side.
That half of it.
[knocking]
[high-pitched] I've been banging
since forever,
and you wouldn't open it.
This is outrageous.
Do you have any idea who I am?
- No, I don't.
- No idea?
Who?
You don't even know that.
You must not know anything.
Who the hell is this? Is he crazy or what?
I mean, goodness!
I scream my lungs out,
and none of you open the door for me?
That boy over there with the fucking
mustache almost didn't let me in.
I said I'm Yasemin,
the nursing mother of Master Agah's
daughters, and he stared.
- Which Yasemin?
- [Yasemin] You ask which Yasemin?
Hmm! [muttering]
Yasemin. Happy now?
Who the hell is this?
No frickin' idea.
Girls, this lady was
your wet nurse. Yasemin.
Well, aren't you just a vision?
Thank you, Nartane, Nurtane, Yektane.
Agah, is that you, you old fucker?
I recognized your voice. [laughs]
Hey, why didn't you open the door for me,
you bed wetters?
Oh, who is this? Who is this man?
Oh, he is a stranger.
Aww, oh, this medal came right off.
Stop with this vaudeville act.
Get out of here.
Here's your medal.
You can sit back down now, son.
Go on, sit. Hey, hey, hey.
I have news for you,
frightful news, I might add.
Everyone's been talking
about how that great, big diamond,
you know the one I mean,
that Buffalo's Eye
has been stolen from you.
My dears, I have ears everywhere.
So then, I immediately rushed
to the Grand Bazaar.
And I asked the most clever sorcerers
to help in my research. [gasps]
My!
The stories I've heard
about that diamond are scandalous.
Begone, you pest.
Can't you see that we're talking?
Calm down, Your Excellency.
Leave the poor lady alone.
Oh, my sweet baby.
Pasha, you'll never believe
the things they told me.
But the title deed,
we were just getting to it.
- Yes.
- Dilaver, sir.
I think you should let it go.
Yes, that's right.
You won't believe the news I have, Pasha.
Bless you, baby.
Thanks for the water. God bless you.
Well, anyway,
at long last,
I found myself at Zuhuratbaba's tomb.
There's this man there.
He takes one look at the water
and tells me exactly where the diamond is.
I took the trouble of going there
because we were old friends,
and I was in your employment.
I took the diamond and came here.
Here you go, Master Agah.
[chuckles] That's not possible, ma'am.
I have the diamond myself right here.
Hold on, Kirkor. Not so fast, babe.
It could be the one I have.
- Who's Kirkor? Nezaket.
- [gasps]
We're selling each other out?
All right, then, take a look.
Here's the real diamond.
The others are all fake.
Show them.
[gasps] Ma'am, this is the one
and only Buffalo's Eye. Bam!
[Bekir] Maybe it's this one.
Just thought I'd mention
since it's all out in the open,
and we're speaking freely.
You know something? God damn you all.
I told you to stay in character
no matter what happens.
This guy hasn't broken character
for two days.
Uh, Master Agah, trust me.
I am really Şeker Pasha.
[Agah] Oh, please,
stop it, for heaven's sake.
Master Agah, here's what we'll do.
I'll take everybody's diamonds myself.
I'll bring them to my jeweler,
and we'll learn which one is real.
While we wait, you can keep
the title deed to half of Üsküdar.
Wow, Dilaver, you're really something.
There's no pasha and no deed to Üsküdar.
This crook is Dilaver of Ahırkapı.
- Master Agah
- Kirkor. Kirkor. Kirkor Papatyan.
All right, Papatyan.
While you're at it, Nezaket and you
know each other, don't you?
Why don't you tell us that story?
Go ahead.
Okay, enough. You are Apti of Balat.
I think everyone knows that.
You came here in disguise already.
The pasha from earlier.
But you guys already recognized him.
You recognize the pasha from earlier.
- [all] No.
- You're kidding me.
Ah, be quiet, will ya?
Let's hear what the lady has to say.
Go ahead.
My darlings, this water
is from an appraiser.
Let's unburden ourselves
and place the diamonds
in the sacred water,
and we'll see who the lucky winner is. Ha!
Yeah, come on, let's find out.
I'll go first.
- Let's do this.
- [Dilaver] Right.
- Here.
- Here, take this too.
Yektane, sweetheart, thank you.
[gasps] This one or this one?
Maybe this one?
This one or that pretty one?
Let's see which one it is.
Abracadabra, alakazam.
Come to Mama, little diamond.
One stone goes in, and another comes out.
And just like that,
the lying snakes are out.
Ooh, I could see
they're still in this room.
Abracadabra, alakazam.
Come to Mama, little diamond.
Please return yourself
to your proper owner.
- Shall I remove it?
- [all] Do it.
Think you can trust me?
[Bekir] Go ahead, take it out.
- Take it out!
- Here!
- [Agah gasps]
- Hey, are you fucking kidding us, lady?
No, son, look. See it for yourself.
So, all of them are fake,
and none of them are real.
Where are the diamonds?
What diamonds, man?
Apti, I'll strangle you.
Whoa! Easy now. Everyone back off!
[normal voice] I'm Apti of Balat.
You and all your fucking schemes, Dilaver.
If I'd stuck with Kirkor,
I'd be a rich lady.
Like you weren't the one
to bring me into this.
So you were with him from the beginning.
You even prepared
the fake stones for this.
All we wanted was
to steal like decent people.
Damn you! You fucked up my foolproof plan!
Where the hell are the diamonds?
No one's going anywhere. Either we're
in this together or it's over.
Drop it! Hey, drop that.
Hey, uh, Kirkor was your name?
Yes, damn it. I put up
with your pasha thing for two days.
- I'll make you pay for this. You'll see.
- Did I tell you I was a pasha?
I was an aide when I got here.
This motherfucker botched it,
so I had to become the pasha.
Drop the gun.
Bekir, drop it,
or I'll put a bullet between your eyes.
- Do it, man. Go ahead. I dare you.
- Wait!
Kirkor, man, no one
in your crew is even listening to you.
Come on, just think about it.
One of those stones has got to be real.
So why don't we take them
all out and share them?
Then we can leave here in peace, can't we?
Oh, please, do you think I'd do business
with crooks like you?
Besides, who the hell are you guys?
Man, I'm not even asking
for half of everything.
We can split it in ten,
and you can get seven, right?
We get three.
Seven tenths and three tenths.
No, no, it takes too long to calculate.
Hold on, everybody. I worked my ass off
to get my part right.
- I deserve the diamond.
- Shut up! I'm tired of this shit.
Wait, my love, please.
- My love?
- I'm just kidding, man.
I'll shoot you first. I'm not kidding.
- Take out the stones.
- No, don't do it, dummy. Don't!
What's going on here? Who are you people?
Sir, well, we're just
Uh, I wish we had some funny music.
- Maybe in the background.
- [whimsical music playing]
Um, that way, you'd see
that we are not the kind of
people you think we are, really.
[humming]
You know, zithers playing. That stuff.
Silence, ponce.
- [music stops]
- Ponce is really great.
Honestly, that's my favorite word
from this era.
[sighs]
- İkrah, well, is this all of them?
- Yes, sir.
Kirkor, sir. Actors, I presume.
I am.
And an actor's journey is a strange one.
Besides, what is an actor?
You see, sir,
we exist only as long as we play.
And once the play is over
And thievery is what,
a personal hobby of yours?
We gave in to temptation, sir.
Whoever told you that there was
a diamond in this mansion
is the biggest offender of them all.
Yes, there is a stone here.
Called the Buffalo's Eye.
Necati, son, show them the stone.
Here it is.
Same as yours. They're exactly the same.
Hey, tell me, can we buy half
of Üsküdar with that thing?
You couldn't hire a carriage
to Üsküdar with this.
It's from the chandelier.
Our craftsman Ara made this for us.
In fact, the stone is totally worthless.
Oh, but the diamond rumor has spread.
Myth is better than truth, you see.
It holds no value at all.
We have a game
of showing it off from time to time.
The stone is worthless,
except as a way
to separate friends from enemies.
It shows our values.
And it shows where we truly stand.
It is a touchstone, my friends.
Perhaps now you understand
what I mean by that.
Now get the hell out.
I won't call the police.
Master Agah,
permission to kiss your hand, sir.
Never.
Thought I'd give it a shot.
If I see you here again,
I'll kick your asses.
You douchebag. Just shut up
and mind your own business.
- Move.
- We're going.
Well, it was certainly nice meeting you.
Fuck off!
Go.
- What'll you guys do now?
- We'll start by walking that way.
Have you ever acted?
No, please, I've seen a few plays,
and that's it.
- But you played the wet nurse well.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
And, sir, was I a better aide
or a better pasha?
Son, you're not much of an actor.
Yeah, people say that a lot to me.
But I was the best drunk ever.
No, no, he was the better drunk.
- At one point, I thought he shit the bed.
- Oh, man.
All right, just get in
and you can keep talking. Come on.
- Come on, come on. Come with us. Come on.
- Let's go. Why not?
- Come on.
- [Dilaver sighs]
- Come on. [grunts]
- Oh, thank you, man.
Let's move it!
- [Necati 1] Yeah.
- [Apti sighs]
If we could just get some sweet music
playing in the background,
we could end this thing on a high note.
You're right. I think
it's time they start playing some.
- [laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
THE END
I just hate that attitude
of angry old men, don't you?
So now I'd like to send you off
with a nice little song.
See? Neco.
A voice out of this world. [laughs]
Written by Olcayto Ahmet Tuğsuz.
All right, I'm going to play it now.
[dance music playing]
[man singing in Turkish]
[in Turkish] Take it away.
[music continues]
[theme music playing]