The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e08 Episode Script

* now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad * * I had lots of luck but it's all been bad * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive * * my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand * * my woman run away with another man * * no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* Oh, man, it's too hot.
It's got to be almost 25°c.
- Don't give me celsius.
- Too hot to handle.
You gotta kill the rats, by the way.
They're fucking all over the place.
These rats keep the cats away.
Oh, what a day.
- Tim.
- Oh, Debbie.
- Hey.
- How's it going? Where've you been? Oh, you know me.
I'm a working girl.
Well, how've you been? How's that girlfriend of yours? - Amy? Amy's doing great.
- Oh, good.
You guys weren't exactly friends, were you? No, we didn't rent a rowboat together.
- That's true.
- But things are in the past and - Agh, damn! - What happened? - Something stuck me in the butt.
- Don't look at me.
No, that was a Bumblebee right in my apple butt.
- You got stung by a bee? - They're attracted to my scent.
- Your perfume? - Well, I've been spritzing My body and my lady parts with sprite lately.
Do you drink the sprite? Between that and the assless pants, I gotta say, you're kind of asking for this.
Will you put your frappuccino on my butt? Why are you talking like that? Well, my throat is getting Oh my God, your neck is thick.
- Oh, crap.
- Let's get you in a cab.
Oh, no.
We need some help over here.
Thank you.
We need to get her to a hospital.
- Get in there, Debbie.
- Whoa whoa whoa.
No no no, I don't want any prostitute O.
D.
-ing in my cab, all right? - What? Who? - If she dies, it's a paperwork nightmare.
She's not O.
D.
-ing.
It's a bee sting.
- Oh, it's a bee sting.
Oh, I see.
- A bee sting.
That's what they all say.
Come on.
I can't imagine that's what they all say.
I can't breathe.
Just for the record, she's been stung by a bee.
That's my affiliation with the the woman.
White people.
Debbie, you have a very serious bee allergy And you could die next time.
- Oh my goodness, could die.
- Could die? So no more sprite on any body parts, okay? - That's fair.
- What about mountain dew? Debbie, take care.
I don't know if that guy knows what he's talking about.
You know doctors they're always having new theories - Pop up like weeds.
- Yeah yeah.
Whoo, where's my little baby? - That's my mom.
- Your mom? Ooh.
Oh.
- This is emotional.
- I was so worried about you, Debbie, And I ran all the way from queens in my rubber shoes.
- Wow.
- Did you put my Debbie in a hospital? - No.
- Did you bash in my Debbie? Mom, I just got a bee sting.
- Oh, thank the God.
- Yeah, it was just a bee sting.
- Why are you so skinny? - Her or me? You.
You got such a skinny body.
Oh, no, it's a normal physique.
No, ma, he's the sweetest nervous man you'll ever meet.
- Yeah.
- How do you know my daughter? - Uh, we - we're friends, just You're doing my Debbie, and that's all - No, I'm not.
- No, I know what's going on.
You two probably met in a subway toilet.
We really should not talk like this in the lobby.
I didn't know the entrance of a hospital was called a lobby.
I really see the resemblance, I gotta admit.
I really see it In the eyes.
Amy, you mind getting that? I'm I'm sitting.
- Hello, Amy.
- Tell me this is a bad dream.
- Oh, boy.
- Mind if I let myself in? I think you're just gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
- What are you doing here? - Yeah.
I came over to say thanks.
Your man here saved my life.
- Really? - I thought I told you that.
- You did not tell me.
- That I was with Debbie for five hours yesterday.
- Nothing.
- Anywhoo anywhoo.
Anywhoo, my mom and I had a talk Mm-hmm, that's nice.
And she said a woman with my medical condition Should not be walking the streets, Especially with assless pants.
True.
Anyway, it's great seeing you.
See you around.
But, well, here's the fun news.
- Ready for fun news? - Yeah.
I'm gonna be joining the family business with my mom.
I'm a palm reader now.
- Really? - A palm reader? Hey, would you two like to come by for a reading? I would, but I actually have this regular person that I go to.
Excuse me? Well, maybe I don't tell you everything either.
More secrets.
I'll come by, Debbie.
I'm really happy for you.
This is great.
- You're so sweet.
- Eh.
I'll tell you what how about A quick stick in the old Berry bush for old times' sake? Uh, I can't picture that going over well.
Amy, it was a joke.
Come on, smile.
At some point we have to be able to laugh about that incident.
- Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Yo.
- This is a nice place.
- Mystical, very mystical.
- Oh, thank you.
I would like to welcome you to my salon.
- Rodney, you're first.
- Yes.
Rodney, I see here you're going to have a long life And financial prosperity.
Bam! Perfect fortune.
- Bam! - Thank you, Debbie.
Mm-hmm.
Stu.
Where's Stu? Debbie, I'm over here.
- Stu, you are going to find inner peace - Nice.
- And true happiness.
- That's gotta make you feel good.
I was hoping to be a tennis champion, but I'll take it.
- Debbie's two for two.
- All right, let's get me going here.
- Okay.
- Try that on for size.
Okay, Tim, looks like you're gonna get molested on staten island.
- What? - Two for three.
Can I just say I wish I'd gotten something that specific? Read it again.
Read the left hand.
Read the left hand.
Oh, well, you won't like this one at all.
I'm afraid you're gonna get really molested on staten island.
No, my palm couldn't possibly say that.
I didn't believe it, but then she said when she looked at the left hand, She said he was gonna be really molested.
- Right, that's what sold me.
- That's where I was like, - "oh, that's a good detail.
" - come on.
Tim, if you're skeptical, why don't you go for a definite - For another $50? - What does that mean? Well, definite, when you know for sure.
I can read the tarot cards.
Here's $30.
Shuffle half the deck.
Oh, look here.
We got an island A staten island card.
- No.
- And, ooh, A man holding a sickle.
That doesn't mean anything.
- No, I never knew what that meant.
- Yeah, moving on.
This one says so blatantly "hooters restaurant.
" - Nice.
- Wings.
What are you looking at? What are you seeing? And look at this.
That's the butt card.
- The butt card? - It's a giant butt.
You sold the tarot card thing As a much more legitimate science.
The butt is the molestation card.
- Clear as day, my friend.
- Island, hooters, butt.
Butt.
My palm doesn't say that.
Well, it's a pretty fucked up palm.
Oh, Tim, you never told me what happened with Debbie.
Oh, that? According to Debbie, I'm gonna get molested in staten island in the butt.
Tim, that's awful.
- Are you joking? - I told you, I take this stuff really seriously.
- When did you become like this? - Since I was a little girl.
- Since you were a little girl.
- What are we gonna do? - For starters, I'll just avoid staten island.
- You can't do that, Tim.
I can't avoid staten island? I'm pretty sure I can.
- Okay, what if we have to go to a wedding there? - Go by yourself.
What if it becomes the next Brooklyn And it's the place we want to move? - Have you seen staten island? - What if some day My car breaks down on staten island? What the fuck are you doing out there? What if they open an ikea there? - What do you want me to do about this? - I don't know.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna talk to Susan.
Your palm reader's name is Susan? Yes, and I'm gonna ask her what we should do about this.
Not a very mystical or enchanting name.
- She knows what she's doing.
- "susan" doesn't make me feel good.
Well, neither will getting molested in the butt, Tim.
I don't understand.
Amy's freaked out? She says she believes in this stuff.
Can you even picture that? I have imagined a lot of things about Amy, That's not one of 'em.
One is that she's a nurse and I've been injured All right, this is not gonna go away.
She's not gonna forget about this.
Amy's worried the prediction is hanging over your head.
- Just force it to come true.
- There you go.
I don't want it to come true.
What do you mean? Right, but look, it means we go to a hooters in staten island; One of us will pretend to molest you.
- Right.
- Then technically The prediction has been fulfilled.
Sounds dubious.
Best case scenario it calms Amy down; Worst case scenario we hang out at a hooters all night Drinking beer and looking at tits.
It's a win-win.
I don't know about you guys, But my knife has body glitter all over it.
This place seems a little low-rent.
- It really is, isn't it? - And we are not men of refined taste.
Honk honk, honk honk.
Welcome to honkers.
- What? - I'm sorry, what did you just say? - Honkers? - What part of "honk honk, welcome to honkers" did you not understand? I think we understood it I said "honk" on one boob and then "honk" on the other.
- Clarity was not the issue.
- We just thought that this was a hooters.
Well, it used to be, but there was a bit of a dispute, - A franchise thing, I don't know.
- No! - I'm just a waitress, okay? - We came out here for nothing.
How are we doing, fellas? Everything okay? We're just a little disappointed that this isn't a hooters.
That's ridiculous.
Look around ya.
We got hooters-quality wings.
We got the boobs-and-burger bargain.
And don't forget the honkers hook.
- The honkers hook? - Our waitresses Will lick the barbecue sauce off your fingers.
Tiffany, do a little something.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Ooh, you got barbecue sauce on your wedding ring.
Mm.
- I'm onboard.
- Sold.
I just gotta speak up you don't find this demeaning? I don't know.
It's either here or Starbucks, you know? And I cannot stand those green aprons that they make you wear Drawing attention to your crotch.
It's like, come on, what am I? Look, the deal is, fellas, this is the place for boobs and food.
And as we like to say There's no place like honkers.
What happened to the honking? Oh, I'm sorry.
Honk honk, vroom! Oh, you're terrific, baby.
You have food up.
Listen, guys, I think we gotta get out of here and go to hooters.
No, but I think they've proven us that this is better than hooters.
Let's just get it going.
And then we'll watch the game.
- Fine.
- Okay, who's gonna do the molesting? - I don't have a preference.
- I am a big guy with meaty hands.
But I have just a much more molesty vibe to me.
Fine.
You win.
I don't think "you win" is the right phrase.
How graphic do you want to get here? You want a little hand-on-butt contact? Just the bare minimum that would technically count.
Why don't you, like, lick my arm or something? What is that? That's not molesting.
If you do it the right way.
Just make it quick.
Okay, we'll do in and out, literally.
- I didn't mean that.
- Yeah.
- Let me get into character real quick.
- Okay.
And action.
You want a ride home from Uncle Stu? Stu, why are you molesting me? I'm molesting you 'cause you've been bad.
Oh, the prediction is coming true.
Yeah, you're a bad boy.
Uh-oh, where's my hand going? - Stu, what are you doing? Stop.
- That's right.
- Stop.
- Ooh, Tim's been a bad boy And Stu has got to show little Timmy What bad things he does and what happens with his body.
Stop stop.
It's over.
We did it.
I got lost in the character.
I don't know what I said.
Was it good? Just for the record, I think that counted.
Wanna shake on it? I feel like you're gonna do something weird if I do.
- Boy humping went smooth? - Went as smooth as Tim's butt.
- Nice.
- At least it's over.
Thank you.
Look, what are friends for if not to molest one another? Hopefully Amy will let this drop now.
Now let's watch the game.
Let's get some beers.
Les have fun.
All right, all right, which one of you freakin' smurfs Said the word "demeaning" to my girlfriend? - Who are you? The fonz? - I'm sorry, what did you say? The way you talk I'm sorry, I was just making Did you just call me the fonz, bro? I found I found it funny.
What's demeaning about her job? She licks the fingers of everyone and So what? You don't enjoy that? On her behalf I was saying "girl power," right? No glass ceiling.
Hillary Clinton.
All right, you said your piece, you piece of shit.
- You know what's demeaning? - No.
Me shoving your face into a toilet bowl.
Is that just a rhetorical statement Or is that what's about to happen? You know, that would actually not be a bad experience 'cause we're very clean at honkers, unlike hooters.
And as we like to say, There's no place like honkers! Honk honk.
* no matter how I struggle and strive * * I'll never get out of this world alive.
* - This is exciting, huh? - This is gonna be fun.
A weekend in Orlando.
We are going to to to epcot center.
And then we are gonna go to kissimmee-st.
Cloud.
And then we're gonna go to, um, a bar.
Field trip.
Field trip.
Boo-boo-boo doo-doo! All right! God, these bus fumes are killing me.
Glad to see everyone packed and ready to go.
One little change this year's corporate retreat Will not be held in Orlando as previously announced.
Thank you.
Not held in Orlando.
Hey, wait, it's canceled? Oh, we're going somewhere, but just not Orlando.
- So where are we going? - Let me give you some hints Cold, filthy, coated in borscht, end of the "f" line.
Come on, lemmings, on the buses.
Boop boop! I have a bad feeling we're going to coney island.
So cold out here.
Holy shit.
My balls are touching my kidneys.
All right, everybody, now I'm sure you're wondering Why you're not in Orlando.
- Am I right? - Yes.
Well, that initial betrayal kicks off the theme of this year's retreat Distrust building.
- That's the theme? - People don't work hard When they trust their coworkers.
You just sit around and talk about your weekends And share photos of your horrible-looking buck-toothed children And your obese, horrible, ugly wives.
That's not an issue for me 'cause I don't have a wife or a child.
Everyone knows that.
You don't need to interject.
What's wrong with being friends with your coworkers? People work hard when they hate their coworkers, When they think everyone around them is gunning for their jobs And looking to stab them in the back.
So we're gonna build suspicion and hurt some feelings.
And we're gonna go in the order of the shortest first name first.
T-I-m, Tim, that's you.
Go.
I'm not following.
What do I do? I make people hate me? No, who's your top dog here? Who's your best friend? - Please say me.
Please say me.
- Stu.
- Yes.
- God, Timmy.
Good start a division between your top dogs.
Now tell us something horribly embarrassing about Stu.
- Oh.
- I want a breach of trust, Tim.
- Tell him how much I can bench.
- Something awful about him.
- I only bench 250 lbs.
- Nobody's discussing benching.
- Stu - Do what you gotta do, Tim.
He kind of jerks off in his cubicle early in the morning.
Oh, I know that.
I've walked by.
- I haven't made that a secret.
- Everybody knows that.
Oh, really? You're comfortable with everyone knowing that? - That's all I've got.
- Okay, then you've got to pick two people and fire them.
- Oh, no.
- Pick two.
All right, how about stan and? - What? Fuck you, man.
- Gladys doesn't do - What? - What? What happened? - Fuck you, Tim.
Fuck off.
- This is good.
- More more more.
Do it, give it.
- I'm just saying.
Why don't you fire Stu? He sucks at his job.
I resent that, even though it's a fairly accurate statement.
- If it's survival of the fittest - yeah, with what I'm benching.
You want to see who's fit, skinny Tim? Let's go down a little bit closer to the water.
I'll drown you.
- You're gonna drown me? - This has been so good, everybody.
- This is awful.
- Nobody's fired.
- What? - Why did you make me do that? I just wanted you to see what somebody's capable of, So maybe you'll look over your shoulder and you'll work a little harder.
Watch your backs, right? - Wow.
- You define douchebag.
I hope you all enjoyed yourselves today.
We have some entertainment for your tonight.
Let's give a big omnicorp welcome To Kyle Zander, the master of escape! All right! All right! Silence.
Welcome to the most mind-blowing night Of your stupid lives.
As you're about to witness, Kyle Zander can escape any situation, Just like you can escape any situation in business By lying or blaming others.
Note the corporate tie-in.
Yes, Kyle Zander can fulfill a contract.
Observe! There's nothing up my sleeves, Only see that? I had somethingup my sleeve.
There were two fucking doves up there Birds! I just stood there And I lied to your fat faces.
- I don't find him to be very inspirational.
- No.
Never trust anyone that's the moral.
- In business.
- And in life.
- Well, we have a business.
- No, I understand.
I get the business aspect of it and why I'm here.
- I'm just reiterating.
- Oh, I see.
I'm sorry.
And now for my first escape The death-defying tank of terror! I defy you, death, with my terror tank! - All right.
- Thank you.
I accept your adoration.
Thank you, young man, for joining me on the stage.
- What is your name? - Tim.
Tim is going to check the straps on my straitjacket To ensure it's on tight.
Yeah, it's pretty tight.
He's not getting out of this crazy thing.
- Pretty tight, Tim? - Very tight.
- Is there any chance of escape? - Marginal.
Would you say I will surely perish? Yeah, you're gonna die in a few minutes.
Am I? Or am I going to blow your fucking minds? I'm betting on two.
I'm going with the latter one.
I will now lower myself into the tank of terror.
Tim here will then lock me in - And swallow the key.
- Oh, no.
- You must swallow the key.
- I've got a very narrow throat.
The key is wood, easily digestible.
Just picture it as, like, a dude's dong.
Uh-oh, nailed it.
Inappropriate! Into the tank I go! No, come on, I don't want to - He's in the tank.
- Swallow the key, Tim.
- Oh, no.
- Swallow the key.
Swallow the key.
Trying to get a chant going? Swallow swallow swallow.
All right.
- That was more of a slurp.
- Elegant.
What's this guy doing? Is he supposed to thrash like that? Help me! That can't be part of the act.
Hey, Kyle.
Tim, get him out of there.
It's your responsibility.
- Me? - You're the one with the key.
Where is the key? - The key's in my stomach, Becky.
- Take it out of there.
- Shit out the key, man.
- Shit out the key? - Shit it out.
- I'm not stan, that's gross.
Shit it out in your pants and fish it out and unlock it.
I'm not gonna take a dump on the stage.
Then break the glass.
Do something, man.
Shatter it.
All right, that's a better idea.
- That was it? - I punched the tank.
- No, you just slapped the tank.
- I'm not slapping it, stan.
I struck the tank.
- That was a bop at best.
- A bop? This conversation is going on a little too long.
Here we go.
All right, everyone back.
Everyone back.
Ohh, air! Oh! Ohh-hh-hh! Ohh, boy.
Ta-dah! I'm just happy it worked out, you know? You saved a guy's life.
And that, my friend, Is a big bull's-eye on the karma wheel.
- The beginning of a new era.
- Exactly.
- Agh! - What's that? Hello! - What's he doing? - I am here To serve you.
You are being sued By Kyle Zander, Master of escape! Being sued? I thought he said everything's good.
I think you got the wrong guy.
You are Tim.
- Why are you talking like that? - You gotta stop the voice.
I am being paid $65 extra To use a magical voice.
I wouldn't call that a magical voice.
Yeah, it's really more of a vampire thing you're going.
- You have any vocal training? - Where does this guy work? I want to go talk to him.
- He works - no, just in a normal voice.
Down in Chelsea.
It's probably written down in the papers.
All right, I gotta pick up my kid from soccer practice.
And now I am gone! I only had the one smoke balloon, so Yeah, the entrance was much more dramatic.
Did you open the door with your mouth? Yeah, I did.
Do you want to ask if it was easy to do? - Was it easy to do? - No, it wasn't.
Do you have any follow-up questions, Helen Thomas? You really need to get better at freeing yourself from those.
So help me understand why are you suing me? I saved your life.
Well, because you also destroyed my career.
My audience knows that when I enter a death-defying situation, I'm either going to escape or die trying.
- So? - Now everybody knows That if I can't escape, there's no danger.
Some idiot onstage is just going to pull a lever and save me.
With all due respect, is the word really spreading? I mean, you seem like you do a lot of bar mitzvahs and corporate retreats.
I don't see the buzz, really.
That didn't even seem like some due respect.
Listen, I would love to talk to you more, But I'm not really serious about loving to talk to you more.
And I'm gonna get in this trunk right now.
What? Hey, get out of the trunk.
- Nope.
- This conversation is not over.
It is.
It's a little passive-aggressive.
A little? I was hoping for a lot.
Are you still there? Please don't Sue me.
All right, good talking to you.
- "good talking to you"? - Just trying to be polite.
Don't.
Get out.
I'll see you in court.
Tim, this lawsuit is frivolous at best.
- It should be easy to win.
- That's great.
- Should be but won't be.
- What? Won't or will? This Kyle Zander guy is a really compelling performer.
- Eh, I wouldn't say that.
- Oh, I would.
And audiences all across America would.
I think he may actually be magic.
Are you a fan of his? You're defending me, you realize.
I'm just telling you like it is, buddy.
I'm gonna take the wife to see this guy.
Look, having met you face to face - Yeah? - I'm concerned about How shall we say? The charisma gap.
- What was the expression? - I simply cannot picture A jury liking you more than they like him.
No, trust me, I'll charm the pants off a jury.
Ooh, I think you would charm the pants back on the prostitute.
I can be charming.
It's no problem.
Cool beans.
Cool beans? Is that you trying to be charismatic? I can't believe we're talking about this.
The guy was screaming for help.
That's why I did what I did.
- He screamed for help? - He screamed, "help!" Did anyone else hear the guy? Someone must have heard him.
He was screaming for his life.
Okay, well, you find me a witness that heard it, And this is an open-and-shut case.
Cool beans.
No.
All right, everybody, we have to try Actually, boss, before we get into this meeting, Can I just address the group? - You want to talk to everybody? - I have a favor to ask, yeah.
- This is unusual.
- Listen, guys, I was wondering Okay, you're doing it.
You're just doing it.
Some of you guys were sitting up close.
Did you hear that escape artist yell for help? - Why? - Yeah, why? He's suing me, if you must know.
And I need witnesses to back up my story.
- Fuck you, man.
- Yeah, fuck you.
You guys aren't still mad at the beach thing, are you? - We were all chuckling about that.
- Nobody's chuckling, Tim.
Yeah, number one you have no friends; And number two we're all competing with each other; And number three I think you're a b-hole.
You can say "butt," if that's what it's short for.
Let's do it this way I'll give $200 To anyone who will say they heard the guy scream for help.
Oh, you know he's not gonna pay the money.
- You can't trust him.
- Oh, enough.
Please, I don't know why everyone's being so awful here.
That retreat just brought out the worst in you people.
What? It brought out the best in us, you wrinkled bag of crap.
- Perfect.
- Sit down and shut up.
Tim only fired you two bozo clowns Because he was forced to, that's why.
Finally a voice of reason here.
- I heard that escape artist call for help.
- Are you serious? I'd be happy to say so in court, sure.
Oh, Helen, you made my day.
Give me a hug.
Sold your soul for a hug, Helen.
Learned nothing from the beach.
- Do I look okay? - Eh, you know.
You don't build confidence.
Lladies and gentlemen of the court! I do apologize for being a little tardy.
- Inappropriate.
- And I apologize for the way I'm dressed.
I just threw on the first thing that I had on the pile, Including these shackles.
What? And I am myself.
Don't clap.
Don't clap.
- That's the charisma gap I was talking about.
- All right, enough of that.
Oh, somebody knows about the charisma gap.
- I'm trying to teach him.
- Can we do some deposing here? Sure, yes.
Mr.
Zander most entertaining Why are you bringing this lawsuit? Well, this man Tim has caused Irreparable harm to my illustrious career.
Mm, there was one other thing.
What was it? Oh, he also tried to bribe people to testify against me in court.
- Wait.
- That seems important, right? Tim, is he telling the truth? The only person I tried to encourage a little was Helen.
- Oh.
- But she's here for me, so - Oh, Tim.
- Yeah? Actually, I'm here to screw you.
- What? - Did you really trust me? It's like you didn't pay attention to those exercises we did at all.
- You're an awful woman.
- Another situation I've gotten myself out of.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, amazing.