The Millers (2013) s02e08 Episode Script

Ooh, your roof is great.
Are you up here all the time? Well, not at night because it's against the rules, so we should probably go.
Nobody's gonna get in trouble.
Don't be so paranoid.
Oh, God, I don't know.
I just feel like everybody can see us up here.
Maybe we ought to go downstairs, right? Oh, my God.
Look at you.
You're a prude.
That's why you wouldn't make out with me in the cab.
Well, uh, we couldn't.
If you remember, the middle seat belt was broken.
Can you believe she called me a prude? She's got a point.
I mean, the craziest place you ever had sex was in your own house.
Yeah, but it was in the guest room.
I'm not a guest there.
That's crazy.
The craziest place I ever had sex was in the hospital.
The doctor wanted to make sure it still worked after the tractor accident.
Debbie.
Debbie, what's going on around here? We're only a few days away from Thanksgiving, and your mailbox is still dressed like a ghost.
Yeah, and there's no cornucopia on the front door.
And why hasn't the big table been brought up from the basement? Where are you going to display your holiday gourds? Carol, there are no gourds.
Good Lord, not one gourd.
Um, actually, Mom, Adam and I decided that it might be nice this year to forgo the Miller tradition of food and fighting and get back to the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
We want to show Mikayla how we used to celebrate on the commune.
By pressing hard on your eyelids and watching all the flashing dots? That's Fourth of July.
No, we're gonna go to an Indian reservation and exchange tokens of friendship.
But Thanksgiving is the one time of year besides Easter, Memorial Day, the period between Christmas and New Year's, all summer, and every family member's birth week that I ask us all to be together.
You know what, if Debbie doesn't have to be there, - then I shouldn't either.
- Excuse me? I'm sorry, but I don't have to play by the rules anymore.
If I am going to attract a nontraditional kind of woman, then I need to start acting like that kind of man.
Okay? So maybe I should have a nontraditional Thanksgiving.
You're lucky there are no gourds around because I would shove one in your mouth right now.
It's not an empty threat.
She gourded me last year.
Can I come to your house? Yeah.
Yeah, you know what, you and Ray can both come.
And maybe I'll invite Kate over, too.
Maybe I'll take her up to the roof and show her and my neighbors how not uptight the new Nathan is.
So you're all gonna abandon me? Like I'm Detroit? You know what, Carol, forget them.
We'll have our own Thanksgiving, just the two of us.
We were the life of this party anyway.
Watch, watch, pretend we're not here for a second.
Watch this.
You see? Without us, they're all standing around like, "Huh?" You're welcome to have it here.
That way you can set up everything the way you like.
Ah.
What do you say, Carol? You, me, and a bird? Ménage à turkey? Sure.
Why not? America lost the war on Christmas.
Might as well surrender Thanksgiving, too.
This year the Millers can celebrate on their own, like a bunch of Californians.
The Millers - 02x08 Papa Was a Rolling Bone Isn't this great? No family drama, no stress.
Just two thankful people giving thanks and two quarts of heaven in a casserole dish.
Aw, that is so sweet of you to try.
Too sweet, actually.
We don't traditionally do marshmallows in vegetables, but it's no problem.
I can fix it real easy.
But don't feel bad about it.
I can make a new batch before you say, "Thank you, Carol.
" I bet you can.
Sorry about the yams.
I just thought maybe we could do one dish my way.
But, uh maybe I "yam" being a little sensitive.
Well, I appreciate the apology.
But I just want this to be as close to my normal Thanksgiving as possible.
Something you already made difficult by inviting your favorite sushi waitress.
I only asked her because you said it was going to feel empty with just the two of us.
Do you even know her name? No.
But it doesn't matter because she answers to anything.
Hi, Penelope.
Hello, Kip! Having a good time, Joanie? Oh, yes.
Thanks for having me, Kip.
My pleasure, Paula.
Oh, what-what are you doing? Just fixing your deviled eggs.
You forgot to put the olives on there.
You're making them look like eyeballs.
Who wants their food staring at them? That's the traditional way of making them.
The eyes of turkeys past.
- Mmm.
- I'm sorry, but it just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the olives.
Oh.
Sure, yeah.
I-I'm allergic.
- What? - Yeah, I'm allergic to olives.
It's genetic.
From my mom.
Yeah, I got her deadly olive allergy and her weakness for state troopers.
Allergic? Really? - Mm-hmm.
- I've never heard of anyone being allergic to olives.
- Isn't that the great thing about life? - Mm? We just never stop learning.
Yeah.
So it's okay.
I'll fix it.
Because we don't want me to die, now, do we, Jacklyn? No, Kip! Are you sure this is the Indian reservation your commune used to visit? Excuse me.
Uh, I used to come here every Thanksgiving as a child back when this used to be an Indian reservation.
Oh, it's still a reservation.
But a few years ago we decided to build a casino.
We thought, "If you can't beat 'em Wait, we can beat 'em.
" Well, as I was saying, my family and I would like to offer you these gifts of used clothes, canned goods, and $35 in change.
Oh, that's really nice.
But as you can see, we're good.
What you got there? Uh, it's my old bean bag from my frosh year back in college.
Frosh year? Freshman.
Sorry.
Just trying to loosen up the way I talk.
Yeah.
Hoping that old beanie might help Kate see me from a new perspect'.
When was the last time you said, "Hey, look at that stressed-out dude in the bean bag"? Speaking of beans, I'm starving.
Please tell me you bought some food.
Sorry, Ray.
The only dish I'm serving up is non-tradish.
You are not Matthew McConaughey.
You will never be Matthew McConaughey.
So stop talking like Matthew McConaughey! All right, all right, all right.
Tom, I'm praying like a Pilgrim that you brought some food.
Sorry.
When it comes to family gatherings, I'm not usually expected to do more than step out of the room when I pass gas.
Excuse me, will you? That's her.
Okay.
Come in! Or don't come in! Whatevs! - Uh, Nathan.
Hey.
- Hey.
What's up? You made it.
You know Ray.
Hi.
You know, I'm surprised you called.
You seem like the kind of guy who would be having a traditional Thanksgiving with his family.
Oh, is it Thanksgiving? That's why my drum circle was canceled.
Listen, I'm sorry about the other night.
I think I ate something that made me a little bit, you know, uptight.
What do you say we go up to the roof later and become a member of the 50-feet-high club? Wow.
Okay.
Be careful lighting the stove in there.
Tom? Kate! Oh, my gosh! So good to see you! You, uh you know my father? Yeah.
Oh, in fact, I still have your umbrella in my car.
- I'll be right back.
- Oh.
Okay.
That's weird.
How do you two know each other? We used to date.
I never thought I'd say this, but, hey, bro, look at the stressed out guy in the bean bag.
What do you mean you dated Kate? I met her while I was chatting up the ladies at the senior center.
She must have been visiting someone.
Oh, God, this cannot be happening.
Relax.
We just had a couple of fun evenings.
It was fun, but after a while I didn't call her anymore.
She only liked the movies If I want to read, I'll stay home and play Boggle.
Look, Dad, just tell me when when you went out with Kate, did you two ever m Did-did you two ever m No, I can't do it.
It's like Fonzie trying to say sorry.
Nate, let me handle this.
Thomas, when you and Kate were dating, did you perchance touch her boobies? A gentleman never tells.
- Okay.
Here you go.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
And I'm sorry I never called.
- Oh, it's fine.
If we had kept hanging out, - I never would have met this guy.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If we'd never met, none of this would be happening right now.
Can you imagine? I've been trying to give this change away, but I guess no one trusts the white man anymore.
Old wounds heal slow.
That's the name of the first woman I tried to give it to.
Okay.
Just give me the money, all right? If you want the Native Americans to have it, there's one surefire way to do it.
I'd like to put this all on red.
Whoa, whoa, whoa I don't think that's such a good idea, honey.
Oh, come on, you and I both know we have the worst luck in the world.
I mean, you spent three days in a coma after a lucky horseshoe fell and hit you on the head.
I almost choked to death on a rabbit's foot.
There's no way we're gonna - Red wins.
- We won? Oh! Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Debbie, no, this is terrible.
Now we're actually taking money away from them.
Let me just No, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe our luck has finally changed.
W-What are you doing? The double streets along with a quad bet and one straight up on 17.
What? My sorority did a lot of casino nights.
Well, technically, I did a lot of nights at the casino with my sorority's money.
Do not make me your treasurer.
Okay, all right, luck be a tiny, red-headed lady tonight.
Yeah.
- How do you like my stuffing? - Mmm, delicious.
I must have the recipe.
I'm happy to tell you the recipe.
Bread crumbs, chicken stock, celery, and finely minced olives.
You put olives in the stuffing? I put olives in everything! Everything! I knew you weren't allergic.
I was a teacher.
I heard homework excuses for over 30 years.
I know a liar when I see one.
And clearly you're just fine, so I was right.
You don't know how allergies work.
It takes a second to get into the bloodstream.
Yeah, it starts in the stomach and it works its way up through the throat and before you know it - Oh, my God.
- Kip? Promise me you won't vote for Blake Shelton's team.
Oh, my God.
What have I done? Bye, Kip.
Don't worry, I always carry an EpiPen in case Nathan develops allergies.
I don't know where this goes, so I'm just gonna start stabbing.
No! Stop.
God.
All right, fine.
I'm not allergic to olives.
I knew it.
I cannot believe that my supposed best friend and roommate would lie to me like this.
It is so disrespectful! Disrespectful? Disre How can Me? Oh, my God.
Disrespectful? I'll tell you what's disrespectful.
When someone works their cute little butt off to give you a great holiday and all you do is complain and throw their yams in the trash.
I was doing us a favor.
You were basically serving us a tray full of melted circus peanuts.
Oh.
Oh, okay, all right.
Well, since you like dumping food and this is your Thanksgiving How do you like this, huh? You like that? Look at that.
- Oh, maybe you'll like this.
There go the yams.
- Aah! All right, well, if you liked that, you'll love this.
Damn you, six months of magician's academy.
If you were mad at me all day, why the hell didn't you just say something? Because I didn't want to have a big fight.
How's that going for you? Bad! Are you ready for some football? There's no food in here.
Look at her, she's totally fine dating a father and son.
Too bad Grandpa's not here.
She could hit the trifecta.
Maybe you should stick to dating - uptight girls.
- No, look, I don't want to date those types of women anymore.
I want to date someone wild, and that's never gonna happen if everybody thinks I'm a prude.
I want people to think I'm a freak.
So if Kate's okay with this, I need to find a way to be okay with it, too.
Hmm.
Hey, Nate, listen.
Whenever something's bothering me, I pluck a hair and the pain takes my mind off it.
As you can see, I've had some stressful years.
Shouldn't we be going to the roof? Uh, yeah, I don't know.
It's kind of cold out tonight, don't you think? Aah! Yes.
Let's do it.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, I won again.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Wesley Snipes was wrong you don't always bet on black.
Also, you do have to pay your taxes.
All right, sweetie, have you lost yet? Because Mikayla wants to go Is that all yours? Yeah, okay, honey, don't be mad, but I'm up $1,000.
$1,000? I'd have to lose Yeah, I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
I can't stop winning and it feels so good.
But if you still want to give the money back Whoa, whoa, give it back? Are you crazy? No, listen, it's one thing being generous when you're poor, because you have, like, nothing to give.
But this is real money, Debbie.
We're thousandaires.
Yeah, I know.
And why stop there? I mean, if we keep this streak going, you could buy a boat.
I could buy the kind of boobs that belong on a boat.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Debbie, we can't win forever, okay? If history has taught us anything, it's that our luck will run out.
So what if we just walk away, for the first time in our lives, as winners, right? We just take our winnings off the table and go home.
You're right.
Okay.
A-All bets are final.
The ball's working.
The ball is working.
That's what the nurse said after my tractor accident.
Oh, look, it's already dark.
We're not supposed to be up here.
Look at me, breaking rules.
Wish I had something to litter.
- I had some other activities in mind.
- Oh.
Did you just pull a hair out? - Uh, well - Oh, I see someone likes a little pain with their pleasure.
Well No, no, no, I don't.
- Yeah? Yeah? - Oh, ow! - You like that? - Ow.
No, no, no, stop, stop.
No, I don't like pain.
Ow, gosh.
No, I was just I was pulling my hair out so I wouldn't have to think about you hooking up with my dad, but it's okay, - I-I can do this.
Let I-I'll get over it.
- Wait, wait I never hooked up with your dad.
It was volunteer work.
A lot of the seniors at the center would invite me out to dinner or a movie.
Your dad looked lonely, so I said yes.
Oh, my God.
My dad thought it was a date.
Ew.
- Oh, I know.
- Oh.
Oh, my God, I know, it's What a relief.
I mean, just thinking about how far you guys got I mean Did he fondle your breasts? Did you fondle his breasts? Anyway, where were we? Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you-you brought me up here and you were actually considering having sex with me when you thought I'd been with your dad? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I was.
Pretty Pretty wild, huh? It's pretty weird.
It's really weird.
God, I'm sorry, Nate, but that's too out there, even for me.
You're kind of a freak.
Yeah, guess I am a freak.
If you know any girls who are looking for a wild time, let 'em know there's a new bad boy in town and he doesn't play by the rules.
We're trying to have Thanksgiving dinner down here.
I don't care.
I'm a bad boy.
And if you've got a problem with it, I'm Kip Finkle in 1-A.
Sorry for throwing all your food on the floor.
Even though the way I did it was dazzling.
And I'm sorry for risking your life to prove a point.
I swore I wouldn't do that again after I held Tom over that bridge.
So you're just holding all that stuff in to avoid a fight? We've just never fought before, and it's been so great.
I just thought I'd bite my tongue, swallow my emotions, and sit on my feelings, and we'd keep it up.
Sounds like a lot of work.
Fights are easier.
You get it out and it's done.
I guess you're right.
It's just We never did that in my family.
You're part of this family now.
So we're gonna fight some.
Especially on the holidays.
You might even win some.
Not with me, but maybe Debbie.
Well, our footloose and fancy-free Thanksgiving was a bust.
Please tell me there's some food left.
Oh, we've got some.
It's all in here, though.
How long's it been in there? Well, hope you guys are hungry.
We got a Thanksgiving feast courtesy of the casino.
They gave us vouchers to the casino's Thanksgiving buffet because Mom and Dad lost so much money.
Guess it's back to collecting kids' teeth at school.
Let's grab some chairs.
Oh, look at all this food.
It's a Thanksgiving miracle.
Are you gonna tell your dad the truth about Kate? Nah.
It's like when I was cut from my junior high soccer team.
My Dad protected my feelings by telling me it was 'cause I was too fast.
It wasn't because you were too fast, was it? No, my mom told me the truth.
I was too good-looking.
Who stole my spoon? I need a spoon to get the marshmallows out of my yams.
Dad, it's under your napkin.
Why don't you open your eyes once before you open your mouth? Hey, you watch yourself.
You plan on leaving some for the rest of us? I'm still growing.
I've been up for 18 hours.
Can I just have a darn green bean? Okay, just say "please" next time.
You're gonna have to have more than green beans, young lady.
- I'll give you all the green beans you want.
- You're gonna have to have Yeah, well, why don't you send it to your plate - Put a napkin around it, Kip.
- Where is the gravy? You like this, don't you? I love it.
I gave that turkey leg - Okay, all right.
- Come on.
What's so hard about that? There's two of these and one of those.