The Muppet Show (1976) s02e08 Episode Script
Steve Martin
Steve Martin? Oh, Steve Martin? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Thank you, Scooter, I'm almost ready, See? You're gonna feeI right at home around here, It's The Muppet Show with our very speciaI guest star, Mr Steve Martin, It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started I liked the old opening better, It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! Green smoke, Thank you, Thank you and welcome, for the moment, to The Muppet Show.
Listen, I really feeI bad about this, but I have a speciaI announcement, Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last, Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled, Tonight's show has been cancelled, Have I died and gone to heaven? Well, you see, I just realised I misread my calendar, Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight, You can stay and watch the auditions, but I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting, When has there ever been? OK, you two, take the night off, Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night, I'll just go out into the house and Good grief, it's Steve Martin, It is, Kermit, How's it going, little fella? Well, fine, Just fine, Steve, I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number and I heard this rumour that the show had been cancelled, Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight, Oh, OK, fine, I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show, No problem, - Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready, and I feeI like some kind of sap back there, putting these clothes on for the big number, No one bothers to come back and say, "Hey, Steve, the show has been cancelled," What am I around here, nothing? Steve, I don't know what to say, Well, I do, Excuse me! Well, let's get the auditions going, shall we? Well, should we stay or go? I feeI the same as I do every week, I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it, The tickets are free, Yes, well, and overpriced at that too, OK, OK, If we can get things started here now, Kermit? Kermit? Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts, you mean new acts, don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements? Well, I don't really know, Fozzie, I just thought maybe we could use some new blood, Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed? OK, Scooter, what's the first act? We got some really great talent lined up, boss, First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.
Oh, please don't let them be funny, Oh, very good, Nice work, girls, He liked the dancing rats? Oh, what chance does a bear have? Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one, It's called Mary Louise and Friend, Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show, Don't ask me why the frog cancelled, chop-chop-chop Yeah, right on, Now you're talking my language, Can we have some quiet out there in the theatre? What's next, Scooter? - You'll love this, Here he is, Steve Martin! Thank you very much, Thank you, Steve, Steve, you really don't have to perform here, you know, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know, But you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show, Oh, well, maybe I could just perform for the guys, Yeah! OK! Come on! OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him, Take it away, Steve, Thank you very much, Thank you, I realise a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before? - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, I'm sorry, I don't like to repeat, Come on, Steve, Come on, - Do it! Come on, Steve, come on! - I don't know what to do now, I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it, I'll make a compromise, I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up, Look at that, - Giraffe, Here we go, - Dude got a sense of humour, I fill up the balloons with words and if they pop they go, "Gosh darn it," It's not easy to get that air to curI up inside your lungs like that, And now, fun balloon animals, Here we go, Oh, yeah, look at him go, Scooter, more balloons, Scooter, - Yes, sir, Yes, sir, Here you go, sir, - Thank you, OK, Blow up some more, just in case, - Yes, sir, Gosh darn it, Oh, really wow, - Puppy dog, I love that one, It's so cute, Thank you very much, OK Well, just Hey, I'm complete, You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich," Well, actually, I get the balloons for free, I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steaI them from the nests, What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid, And it's easy to trick them, I'll go, "Look at that inner tube," And they go, "Where? Gosh," And I load up my pockets, Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb, They wouldn't It's out of controI! Well, it is a different sort of an act, Hey, you missed my big finish, I didn't even use a net, You were terrific, You should make that into a feature film, Can we get on with the auditions? Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend, Yeah, Next we have one of the world's greatest comics, Baskerville the Hound, Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time! You know what they call a dirty dog? A mud poodle! I am so funny! Did you hear the? Next, Hey, come on, Fozzie, You're taking all this too personally, Listen, It's healthy to see what other people in your field are doing, It's an enriching experience, - Yeah, Hey, Scooter, what's next? - A guy named Lenny the Lizard, He's an emcee, What the hay? Thank you, thank you, thank you, And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show.
Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and talented me, Plus other good things - Next! It was really interesting to see how another emcee works, CooI it, You really must feeI enriched, Kermit, Will you get out of here, Fozzie? On to the next act, chief? - Yes, I'd love to, I should think so, Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane, Here they are, the Four Fazoobs, Things are looking a little weird, OK, let's take a break, everybody, Let's see what we have so far, We had the dancing rats, We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise, Kermit, - Not now, Gonzo, We had the Fazoobs, The Fazoobs, - Kermit! What is it, Gonzo? - I've got this great new act for you, Not now, Right now I'm in the middle of auditions, OK, we'll audition, I've seen your acts, I don't want to see any more of them, thank you, I'll talk to you later, all right? Scooter? Who's next, Scooter? Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act, No, Scooter! I'm gonna tell you anyway, - I won't listen, Dancing cheese, - Dancing cheese? You were listening, - Will somebody find Scooter? Kermit, she's a great dancer, She? It's a female cheese? Of course it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you? No - That would look weird, Yes, I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo, You dance with her? - You're getting interested? No, I'm just killing time untiI Scooter gets here, Well, anyway, she's featured, We do a flamenco, I just click my heels a little, The cheese does the fancy steps, - The cheese does the fancy steps? I don't think I want to hear any more about it, But Scooter's not here yet! I don't care, Here he comes now, Oh, Scooter! - Just remember it, Yeah, sure, - Yes, chief? Scooter, who you got next? - Oh, Gonzales and Yolanda, Dance, you little firebrand, Dance, dance! Tortilla! Burrito! San Diego! Show 'em what gorgonzola can do, Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts for the rest of the evening, Here's the first one, Carrie Louise and Friend, I keep telling you, I'm the girI singer on this show, Move it, Move it! OK, nothing too different so far, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there, How about this one, Kermit? He's a rambling guy, OK, Let's not waste any more time, Let's go, How much was it to get in? - Free, You're gonna get your money's worth on this, Hey, this guy's good, I'm a rambling guy, Free, Everybody whistle! In Chinese now, Way to go, Steve, That's good stuff, Kermit, I am appalled, Don't we have some good, old-fashioned entertainment? Scooter? - I can vouch for the "old" part, Who you got? - Statler and Waldorf, What? Take it! Boo! Boo! Get off the stage! Take it, Statler! They're terrible, aren't they? Watch it, you old fooI, Yes, here, here, Oh, wholesome, WonderfuI! I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam, Kermit, it was good, old-fashioned entertainment, With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner and becomes a normaI, decent, moraI program, Well, I am pleased, Sam, What's next? Marvin Suggs and His AII-Food Glee Club, For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunneI, Thank you and gracias.
Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs, And now, presenting my singing food! Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage? - Getting ahead! How's the artichoke? - Singing my heart out, Oh, what's wrong, asparagus? - I feeI naked without my Hollandaise, Come on, tomato, you're slow, - I'll ketchup, Hey, Kermit, my main frog, - Yeah? You rarin' to book that last act? - I doubt it, Fantastic, We'll take it, - Are you putting together a show? No, a dinner, Yeah, soprano looked delicious, OK, chief, Next up is a guy you'll love, Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy, Yeah, yeah! And now Now it's time for a little juggling, Oh, yeah, Let's start with easy stuff, First of all I juggle one, Now, two, Now, three, Oh, yeah, - Under the leg, Now, Fozzie, can you catch this? - Yes, OK, Take it, toss it up in midair, OK? OK! Good throw, yeah! Oh, no! No! I've killed it, OK, very funny, very funny, Kermit, when you say "very funny", do you mean? Fozzie, don't worry about it, Nobody is going to lose their job, Oh, that's terrific, Excuse me, Kermit, I got one last act back here, It's a human cannonball act, The Zucchini Brothers, Push-a, push, push-a, Hey, get the booma-booma, - Hey! Hey! Booma-booma, - Hey, hey! Hey! No booma-booma, - No booma-booma! Dud! Cut! Is that it, Scooter? Well, that's it, It's all over, What a night, Does that mean we can all go home? - It sure does, Steve, I hope you're not mad we cancelled the show, Oh, no, just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the number I rehearsed with your jug band, I didn't know you'd rehearsed, It was gonna be good, but no problem, Don't worry, Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it, I knew he'd fall for it, Come on in, guys, It goes a little bit like this, All together, cats, It's another dud! This is the time when I usually say the show is over, But it seems silly since the show never begun, If it had begun, I'd be saying, "Let's have a speciaI thanks for Mr Steve Martin!" I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show, If there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Well, that was different, Yep, lousy - But different!
Listen, I really feeI bad about this, but I have a speciaI announcement, Hey, maybe we've gotten lucky at last, Yeah, maybe tonight's show's been cancelled, Tonight's show has been cancelled, Have I died and gone to heaven? Well, you see, I just realised I misread my calendar, Tonight we're scheduled to audition new acts for the show, so I'm really sorry, but there will not be a Muppet Show tonight, You can stay and watch the auditions, but I'm not sure there will be anything very exciting, When has there ever been? OK, you two, take the night off, Now, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night, I'll just go out into the house and Good grief, it's Steve Martin, It is, Kermit, How's it going, little fella? Well, fine, Just fine, Steve, I was sitting back in my dressing room getting ready for the next number and I heard this rumour that the show had been cancelled, Well, yeah, you see, we have to audition new acts tonight, Oh, OK, fine, I was just supposed to be the guest star on tonight's show, No problem, - Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, Well, you know, it's just a thing, that I'm sitting there getting ready, and I feeI like some kind of sap back there, putting these clothes on for the big number, No one bothers to come back and say, "Hey, Steve, the show has been cancelled," What am I around here, nothing? Steve, I don't know what to say, Well, I do, Excuse me! Well, let's get the auditions going, shall we? Well, should we stay or go? I feeI the same as I do every week, I've paid good money for this ticket and I'm going to use it, The tickets are free, Yes, well, and overpriced at that too, OK, OK, If we can get things started here now, Kermit? Kermit? Hey, when you say you are auditioning acts, you mean new acts, don't you? I mean, you don't mean replacements? Well, I don't really know, Fozzie, I just thought maybe we could use some new blood, Why didn't he tell me he wanted me to bleed? OK, Scooter, what's the first act? We got some really great talent lined up, boss, First up is the Lautrec Sisters in the Garbage Cancan.
Oh, please don't let them be funny, Oh, very good, Nice work, girls, He liked the dancing rats? Oh, what chance does a bear have? Kermit, if you liked the last act, wait till you see the next one, It's called Mary Louise and Friend, Hey, well, I had a big vibe solo scheduled on tonight's show, Don't ask me why the frog cancelled, chop-chop-chop Yeah, right on, Now you're talking my language, Can we have some quiet out there in the theatre? What's next, Scooter? - You'll love this, Here he is, Steve Martin! Thank you very much, Thank you, Steve, Steve, you really don't have to perform here, you know, I figured since I was here I may as well do some stuff, you know, But you don't have to do this, because we cancelled the show, Oh, well, maybe I could just perform for the guys, Yeah! OK! Come on! OK, well, listen, if you want him you got him, Take it away, Steve, Thank you very much, Thank you, I realise a lot of you folks are sitting out there saying to yourselves, "Sure, he's great, but can he make balloon animals?" Have you seen this before? - Yeah! Yeah! Oh, I'm sorry, I don't like to repeat, Come on, Steve, Come on, - Do it! Come on, Steve, come on! - I don't know what to do now, I don't like to repeat, and yet, the audience is demanding that I do it, I'll make a compromise, I'll make balloon animals but I won't blow them up, Look at that, - Giraffe, Here we go, - Dude got a sense of humour, I fill up the balloons with words and if they pop they go, "Gosh darn it," It's not easy to get that air to curI up inside your lungs like that, And now, fun balloon animals, Here we go, Oh, yeah, look at him go, Scooter, more balloons, Scooter, - Yes, sir, Yes, sir, Here you go, sir, - Thank you, OK, Blow up some more, just in case, - Yes, sir, Gosh darn it, Oh, really wow, - Puppy dog, I love that one, It's so cute, Thank you very much, OK Well, just Hey, I'm complete, You know, folks, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you afford all those balloons you use in your act? You must be rich," Well, actually, I get the balloons for free, I go down to the balloon ranch, where the little baby balloons are grown, and I steaI them from the nests, What I do is, the adult balloons who guard them are very stupid, And it's easy to trick them, I'll go, "Look at that inner tube," And they go, "Where? Gosh," And I load up my pockets, Absolutely no danger to me because the adult balloons are very dumb, They wouldn't It's out of controI! Well, it is a different sort of an act, Hey, you missed my big finish, I didn't even use a net, You were terrific, You should make that into a feature film, Can we get on with the auditions? Oh, next up is Terry Louise and Friend, Yeah, Next we have one of the world's greatest comics, Baskerville the Hound, Hey, hey, hey, it's comedy time! You know what they call a dirty dog? A mud poodle! I am so funny! Did you hear the? Next, Hey, come on, Fozzie, You're taking all this too personally, Listen, It's healthy to see what other people in your field are doing, It's an enriching experience, - Yeah, Hey, Scooter, what's next? - A guy named Lenny the Lizard, He's an emcee, What the hay? Thank you, thank you, thank you, And welcome again to another edition of The Muppet Show.
Well, we've got a great show for you tonight, starring the incredible and talented me, Plus other good things - Next! It was really interesting to see how another emcee works, CooI it, You really must feeI enriched, Kermit, Will you get out of here, Fozzie? On to the next act, chief? - Yes, I'd love to, I should think so, Anyway, it's a weird little act direct from the planet Koozebane, Here they are, the Four Fazoobs, Things are looking a little weird, OK, let's take a break, everybody, Let's see what we have so far, We had the dancing rats, We had Mary Louise and Terry Louise, Kermit, - Not now, Gonzo, We had the Fazoobs, The Fazoobs, - Kermit! What is it, Gonzo? - I've got this great new act for you, Not now, Right now I'm in the middle of auditions, OK, we'll audition, I've seen your acts, I don't want to see any more of them, thank you, I'll talk to you later, all right? Scooter? Who's next, Scooter? Well, look, at least let me tell you about the act, No, Scooter! I'm gonna tell you anyway, - I won't listen, Dancing cheese, - Dancing cheese? You were listening, - Will somebody find Scooter? Kermit, she's a great dancer, She? It's a female cheese? Of course it's a female! You don't expect me to dance with a male, do you? No - That would look weird, Yes, I'm sure that would look weird, Gonzo, You dance with her? - You're getting interested? No, I'm just killing time untiI Scooter gets here, Well, anyway, she's featured, We do a flamenco, I just click my heels a little, The cheese does the fancy steps, - The cheese does the fancy steps? I don't think I want to hear any more about it, But Scooter's not here yet! I don't care, Here he comes now, Oh, Scooter! - Just remember it, Yeah, sure, - Yes, chief? Scooter, who you got next? - Oh, Gonzales and Yolanda, Dance, you little firebrand, Dance, dance! Tortilla! Burrito! San Diego! Show 'em what gorgonzola can do, Well, let us trust that we've got some new and truly different acts for the rest of the evening, Here's the first one, Carrie Louise and Friend, I keep telling you, I'm the girI singer on this show, Move it, Move it! OK, nothing too different so far, Scooter, you must have some good acts back there, How about this one, Kermit? He's a rambling guy, OK, Let's not waste any more time, Let's go, How much was it to get in? - Free, You're gonna get your money's worth on this, Hey, this guy's good, I'm a rambling guy, Free, Everybody whistle! In Chinese now, Way to go, Steve, That's good stuff, Kermit, I am appalled, Don't we have some good, old-fashioned entertainment? Scooter? - I can vouch for the "old" part, Who you got? - Statler and Waldorf, What? Take it! Boo! Boo! Get off the stage! Take it, Statler! They're terrible, aren't they? Watch it, you old fooI, Yes, here, here, Oh, wholesome, WonderfuI! I'm glad you enjoyed that act, Sam, Kermit, it was good, old-fashioned entertainment, With that act The Muppet Show finally turns the corner and becomes a normaI, decent, moraI program, Well, I am pleased, Sam, What's next? Marvin Suggs and His AII-Food Glee Club, For one brief moment there was light at the end of the tunneI, Thank you and gracias.
Yes, I am the beloved Marvin Suggs, And now, presenting my singing food! Oh, I love my vegetables! How are you, cabbage? - Getting ahead! How's the artichoke? - Singing my heart out, Oh, what's wrong, asparagus? - I feeI naked without my Hollandaise, Come on, tomato, you're slow, - I'll ketchup, Hey, Kermit, my main frog, - Yeah? You rarin' to book that last act? - I doubt it, Fantastic, We'll take it, - Are you putting together a show? No, a dinner, Yeah, soprano looked delicious, OK, chief, Next up is a guy you'll love, Remember Rambling Guy? Here's Juggling Guy, Yeah, yeah! And now Now it's time for a little juggling, Oh, yeah, Let's start with easy stuff, First of all I juggle one, Now, two, Now, three, Oh, yeah, - Under the leg, Now, Fozzie, can you catch this? - Yes, OK, Take it, toss it up in midair, OK? OK! Good throw, yeah! Oh, no! No! I've killed it, OK, very funny, very funny, Kermit, when you say "very funny", do you mean? Fozzie, don't worry about it, Nobody is going to lose their job, Oh, that's terrific, Excuse me, Kermit, I got one last act back here, It's a human cannonball act, The Zucchini Brothers, Push-a, push, push-a, Hey, get the booma-booma, - Hey! Hey! Booma-booma, - Hey, hey! Hey! No booma-booma, - No booma-booma! Dud! Cut! Is that it, Scooter? Well, that's it, It's all over, What a night, Does that mean we can all go home? - It sure does, Steve, I hope you're not mad we cancelled the show, Oh, no, just a little disappointed I didn't get to do the number I rehearsed with your jug band, I didn't know you'd rehearsed, It was gonna be good, but no problem, Don't worry, Yeah, well, I would have liked to have seen it, I knew he'd fall for it, Come on in, guys, It goes a little bit like this, All together, cats, It's another dud! This is the time when I usually say the show is over, But it seems silly since the show never begun, If it had begun, I'd be saying, "Let's have a speciaI thanks for Mr Steve Martin!" I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been for me not being on your show, If there's anybody left watching, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Well, that was different, Yep, lousy - But different!