The Neighbors s02e08 Episode Script

Oh, listen to this one.
"Dear Debbie, even though the 'Shark Tank' sharks "did not invest in your product, "I'm so glad you're going to business school.
You've inspired me and moms everywhere.
" - That is so sweet.
- That's fantastic, honey.
Who would have thought you would get so much fan mail from a reality show?! My wife is famous! All of a sudden, I'm Kevin Federline! Or like Portia de Rossi! Oh, good! You're opening mail, too.
We just found out we've been personally selected to receive 20% off at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Little old us.
What's all this? This is fan mail from the "Shark Tank" people.
They're all for my business-school girl.
Ooh, and then there's this.
Oh, that's alarming.
Creepy Debbie pillow.
We're gonna have to bag on "Grease" this Friday night 'cause I have to study for a test.
I think I said that exact same sentence Wait, what? We've been watching "Grease" the movie to prepare for "Grease" the play.
Those 30-year-old teenagers have really won our hearts.
We're sorry, guys.
I know you don't have any other friends to go with.
What?! What are you talking about? Of course we have friends.
That's just ludicrous.
That's just Honey, say something.
We are incredibly popular.
We do not sit around at night - thinking about the Weavers - No.
- Or if we should call the Weavers - No.
Or dress like the Weavers - No.
- And act out what we think the Weavers would do - in any given situation.
- No.
Guys, we're really sorry, but if I don't pass the Gmat on Saturday, I'm gonna miss the business-school deadline, and I'd have to wait another six months to apply.
And last time I took a math test wasOh, God.
I'm not even good enough at math to figure out the last time I took a math test.
Well, I guarantee you're gonna pass that test.
You want to know why? Because I'm gonna take care of things on the home front while you study.
And on top of that, I got you a math tutor! Oh! Ooh! - You got me Dick in a box? - Dick in a box.
Lights CameraFractions! Math joke.
Hilarious.
We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee then the humans moved next door started testing all our limits so sit right down, enjoy the show we'll be done in 30 minutes Family room is now reserved.
We're all set to watch the game tomorrow.
Awesome.
What do you think about maybe inviting some people to join us tomorrow? What people? We don't have people.
You mean, like, people people? You know, the thing is, I've had so many amazing experiences on earth, but there's one thing I've never had.
I want the experience of being popular, of having friends, a crew.
Reggie, popularity is overrated.
What's happening? Do you remember the alien who traveled across time and space to claim me as her soul mate? She's here? Oh, hell, no.
I've got this.
Hi, Amber.
Hi, Reggie, my love.
What are you doing here, Jane? Reggie said he wasn't interested and told you to leave.
He did.
And I did.
And I ended up in New York City where I learned two very important human laws.
One if you stand on a street corner, you'll become the property of a man named Taco who will make you dance in tall plastic heels.
That's not a human law.
What? Taco And two if you hail a cab and you hesitate, someone's gonna steal it.
So, Amber, I am back to fight for my cab.
- Hey.
This cab is taken.
- Damn right! I'm warm inside this cab, the meter is running, and it's taking me all the way home.
Jane, I'm glad you're safe and that you got some dance training, but my soul mate is a beautiful, moody brunette.
This is what I want.
And to punctuate that, I'll politely say, "good day to you, m'lady," - and dramatically slam the door in your face.
- If you must.
Good day to you, m'lady! Watch your fingers.
Well, that's the last we'll see of her.
Unh aah Come on! Unh ha! Whoo! Whoo! let's shake it, shake it unh ha! Go, girl! ahh come on, guys! unh whoo! shake it, shake it taxi.
What happened to you? Well, you said you like brunettes, so I'm a brunette now.
Oh, and, FYI, this cab just got her airbags upgraded.
What are you doing here, Jane? I'm a student here now.
Go Peckers! See you in class.
S'up, playa? S'up! I don't believe this.
I know.
Logan "s'up, playa'd" me.
Zabvronians We know you all think of yourselves as our best friends.
Well, you're not.
The Weavers are our besties, but slots three and four are open.
Here's your chance to get close to the couple that Bed Bath & Beyond calls "valued neighbor.
" Now, the winning prize is two tickets to the hottest show in town "Grease.
" Now showing at the Hidden Hills dinner theater.
The winners will be chosen based upon your witty dinner-party-style banter.
Who's playing Danny? Some dentist.
I hear he's very good.
So, you're stuck on a deserted island.
What would you bring? A spaceship to get off the island.
No.
The point is to reveal something about yourself.
Like, "I would bring 625 books or the director's cut of 'Almost famous.
'" oh, got it.
I'd just bring a spaceship.
- Next! - A spaceship.
- A spaceship.
- A spaceship.
Next.
Next.
Next! The director's cut of "Almost famous.
" I cheated.
I'd really bring a spaceship.
I hate you.
Next.
Less than a minute left on your practice exam.
I know, Dick.
Shh.
Max, eat your peas.
Did you know peas are really high in sugar? They barely count as a vegetable.
Veggies turn you into a big, strong, hairy man.
And that'll do it for me, folks.
Guys, please, I'm almost out of Time.
I can't look.
You need at least a 400 to pass in writing, reasoning, verbal, and math.
You got a 100, a 120, a 55, and an 11.
Yes! And that explains the 11 in math.
Did you even study? Well, I didn't have time.
I studied a little bit in the car and then at the line at the grocery store.
This is the part where I give you the speech - about prioritizing.
- Okay.
That was it.
That was the speech.
Oh.
I need a minute.
There she is! My sexy schoolgirl.
How's the studying going? I totally bombed the practice test because I don't have time to study.
I mean, maybe I shouldn't go back to school until the kids are a little older.
Babe, I told you.
I will take care of the house, okay? The only thing you need to do is focus on your test.
Oh, I don't know.
Bedtime is already a two-person struggle.
And all of a sudden, Max thinks veggies are "rando," whatever the hell that means, so now you got to blend up the broccoli and sneak it into the lasagna sauce.
Mom, did you wash my black sweater? Babe, I got this.
- Study.
- All right.
Amber, anything you want to say to mom, you can say to me.
Oh, good.
I used your last tampon, so you're gonna have to pick up more the next time you're out! She likes the pink box.
I can't believe Jane enrolled here.
I can't believe Logan Scott gave me a "'sup.
" He was like, "'sup?" And I was like, "'sup?" Classic Logan.
Okay, your whole Logan obsession is making me less concerned about the Jane thing.
Really? Wind? Must it be continuously blustery? Give me air, give me air give me air, baby, give me, give me air Hey, R.
J.
Hi, Logan.
Jane told us you were cool.
We should hang.
- You got plans tonight? - No.
Nothing.
Reggie, we're watching the game at your house, remember? Jane, you want to hit R.
J.
's and watch the game tonight? I want to hit R.
J.
's every night.
Cool.
Amber, you gave me a hang.
Best girlfriend ever! I'm gonna have a crew.
Crew-crew! So, we really don't have any friends.
We just can't seem to get a good rat-a-tat going like we do with the Weavers.
Husband, I think the problem is that we brought the greatest warriors to earth, the most perfect physical specimens.
I mean, look at them.
Hunks and hotties all of them.
Who would have thought all we needed was someone to shoot the poop with? I guess we'll have to face the fact that the Weavers are our only friends.
Hmm.
They shoot some hot poop.
Parents I am adding to my family-room reservation.
We'll now be hosting a group of the coolest kids in the school! My Reggie Jackson's going to have a crew! This is like an immigrant father's dream That one day, his son would have more friends than he does.
It may be too late for us, but not for Reggie.
We shall make this the best high-school party ever.
I think your parental involvement will make my party Even cooler! Cool! So cool! The coolest.
Reggie just has the best hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just so high up there.
It's it's just up there when I wake up.
I wonder where Amber is.
Sorry I'm late.
Give me air, give me air give me air, baby, give me, give me air give me air, give me air give me air, baby, give me, give me air We're good, Johnny! Wow.
Yes, you do look very wow, Amber.
Yeah, well, it's game time, so Okay.
Without further ado, it's now time for "the game," the B.
E.
T.
show that taught me how to be a better black man.
Wait.
We're not watching the basketball game? Basketball.
Nope.
My man loves him some B.
E.
T.
Don't hate the playa.
Also, don't hate "the game," but I don't think you will.
It's a solid show.
I love B.
E.
T.
's "the game.
" Yeah.
Me, too.
It's such a solid show.
Jane, you know, if you like "the game," you must have been really upset when Tasha dumped Rick.
Not at all.
Rick knew Tasha was gonna get fired.
And he didn't tell her.
He's a jerk.
Well, yes, he is.
Welcome to our home.
"Grease" is the word.
Mom, dad, what are you doing here Looking so amazing?! We know how uncool parents at a party can harsh a vibe, so we cooled ourselves up to help you rule the school, gain friends, and not make the mistakes of your parents.
Greased lightning.
Amber, let's hand jive.
Oh, I'm good.
Thank you, though.
I'll hand jive with you.
Let's hand jive, gals! Oh.
Oh, good.
She bounces.
Ooh.
It looks like they're lassoing something.
This is the best party ever.
I'm hosting the best party ever.
Do you have the time? Okay, all we got to do is get your math score up.
I'm gonna help you embrace your inner genius, like the hairy guy from "good will hunting.
" Okay.
I got this.
I got this.
Okay.
If "a" equals "c" squared Come, on Max! Oh, God.
What is going on? I've got to go check on them.
Marty's got it.
Focus.
Stay focused.
Okay.
So, I am adding letters into numbers, and the square root is Ow! My eye! She's got two.
Stay focused.
Don't jump from there! Oh, come on, man! Go live your life.
I can see why teachers make the big bucks.
Oh! All right, all right.
All right, this is for it - This is for it all.
Ready? - Come on.
Get ready, dad.
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
- Gonna make this.
Wide open.
Here it is.
And - Oh, man! He misses the shot! - Oh! So close! So close! All right.
This one's in.
This one's in.
I can feel it.
He's moving.
He's moving.
- Pop! - Seriously? Honey, I know there's way more broccoli on the walls than usual.
But, in my defense, Max has a small mouth.
Max, Abby, sit down and finish your dinner.
- But, I - Now.
Aren't you supposed to be studying? You're supposed to be helping.
No, I am.
I just we stopped to have a little bit of fun.
But, look.
They're eating their vegetablesA little bit.
What's the matter, honey? Is it not going well up there? It's going fine.
Mom, go study.
We'll clean up and eat our vegetables, okay? Yeah.
We're good without you.
Okay, then.
Thanks for that.
I'll, uh, go upstairs and study the pythonic theorem.
Um, it's actually called the Have some bread! Oh! He texted me "g-r-8," so I was like, "cool, exclam, cow emoji," but he didn't write back, and I put my heart into that text.
Omg, Kara.
Sick story.
Amber, can this girl weave a tale or what? Totally.
Then what happened, Kara? - This is mind-numbing.
- Seriously.
I would not want to shoot the poop with anyone here.
But these are Reggie Jackson's new friends.
There must be something good about them.
Come.
Let's figure out what it is.
Hello, ladies.
What are we talking about? Well, we're talking about how we can't be friends with Monica anymore since she got hit by a bus.
- Oh! - Yeah, 'cause now when I'm sad, like, because my hair is bad or something, I feel like I can't complain about it to her 'cause of the bus thing, and I don't like that.
Yeah.
It's like the way she sits there in that wheelchair just makes you feel so bad, you know? Nope.
Nothing redeemable.
These people are horrible.
Carry on.
Get back for the show I've been crying, oh, baby, it isn't fair Oh, Amber.
Are you all right? You're sitting alone while your boyfriend hangs out with his hot alien soul mate in a room full of cool kids.
Hmm.
You must feel so humiliated.
- Small.
- Worthless.
- Defeated.
- Alone.
- Dejected.
- Anemic.
- Frigid.
- Loser-y.
Yep.
All of those things.
Thank you.
You know, I can't understand what's happeening to Reggie.
And how is it that the worst people that we've ever met are the most popular kids in school? It's kind of how it goes.
Interesting people are never popular.
We're too interesting.
We're too interesting.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Oh, so happy.
Good talk.
Husband! We still have to help Amber.
SoHow are you going to win Reggie Jackson back? Big musical number? Car race? You guys got to stop with the "Grease" thing, all right? That movie has a terrible message.
Sandy changes everything about herself just to get a guy.
Well, I don't mean to be rude, but, uh Oh, crap.
I "sandied" myself.
Mm.
I'll get a towel.
You know what? I think I'm gonna go check on the kids and make sure Marty got them down to bed.
No, no, no.
Stay with me here, Weaver.
You can do this.
Just go with your gut.
No! Ignore your gut! Ignore it.
What was your first instinct? No! Different instinct! Ideally, one where the answer is 64.
Okay, Dick, stop.
I'm gonna go check on the kids.
I'm sure Marty couldn't get Max to put his retainer in, and lord knows Abby can't fall asleep unless I read her that farting-pig book.
Debbie, you don't want to do this.
No, it's actually a good book.
I mean, the pig does fart, but he teaches her things, so Debbie Why are you holding yourself back? Okay.
That's ridiculous, Dick.
I'm just a busy mom who's not great at math.
Debbie, this is about something bigger.
- No, it's not.
- You can lie to me.
Don't lie to yourself.
- Dick.
- Why are you holding yourself back?! Dick, what are you talking about? Answer the question! - Dick, stop it.
- You know this answer.
Dick Say it! I'm scared, okay?! I should have gone to graduate school after college while my brain was still agile.
Now it's dying.
I have the lyrics to "My little pony" in the lobe where the math should be.
I'm just a mom, Dick, and I'm a good one, and I know that.
But what if I go to business school and I fail? What if my kids realize that they don't need me anymore? Oh, my God.
Dick, you're right! Oh, thank you! Oh! I learned more from her than she ever learned from me.
Has anyone seen Amber? What is she wearing? Oh, good lord.
Did she just take her mouth out of her mouth? Here's the thing, Reggie.
Oh, thank God.
She had a backup mouth.
Oh.
I tried to play along, but this really isn't my bag.
Jane can dye her hair and Kate Upton up her boobs, but this is what I change into.
And I can change into whatever you want me to, Reggie.
Plus, I can grant you access to a world of popularity and Logans.
So, make your choice.
Do you want all of this? Or nothing? Oh, please, let him do the right thing.
Amber, um, before he chooses, why don't you doll yourself up - just a little? - Ooh! We'll put a little lipstick on S-sorry.
Carry on.
Sorry.
It's funny.
All I've ever wanted since I moved here was to be accepted.
And here it is, all being presented on a silicon platter, and it's really tempting being offered everything you've ever wanted.
I'm sorry, Jane.
I choose nothing.
And all the clouds well, they're starting to disappear You're my nothing, Amber.
I know.
Now can we get rid of all of these terrible people? Absolutely.
Party's over.
Get out! Oh, that's my boy.
Jane, you coming? Wait for me in the car.
I'm your girlfriend now.
Yes! Our timing is off, Reggie, buteventually, you and I will be together.
Until then, guess I'll see you at school.
I'm sorry I lost my way.
You know I'm hopelessly devoted to you, Amber.
All I need, honey all I need, darling who knew that a movie from 30 years ago about teenagers from could be so relevant today? Aww.
She put her mouth back in.
I've got with me right here I've got with me right here "and then the pig "opened his mouth to say, 'I love you.
' but instead, he farted.
" What?! "That funny little fart said it all.
" Mom reads it with the fart sounds.
- She does? - Yes.
Oh, cut daddy some slack.
I haven't let him make fart sounds in 20 years.
Why aren't you studying? I think mom's a little scared about going back to school, guys.
And I'm worried that you guys are gonna need me and I'm not gonna be there for you.
And I'm even more worried that you're gonna realize that you don't need me at all.
Well, first off, we need you.
Hello? Dad, face it, you're a good time, but you're no mom.
But we had such a good time today, right? - The broccoli ball, remember? - Yeah.
Do you remember cleaning up the kitchen for an hour and a half after broccoli ball? - Yeah.
- So, should I call it off, this whole school thing? 'Cause I'm just happy being your mom.
No.
We want you to have it all.
Like Kelly Ripa.
Our mom can do anything.
Just like Kelly Ripa.
Okay, what's this about? I don't know.
Uh, my son and I do not talk about her at all.
Well, I should go hit the books.
Mom before you go "And just when the pig thought all that love "would make his little heart explode, something else exploded.
" I see the sun shining bright pbht! Great! Oh, this is so lovely! Waiting for our best and only friends to come home to celebrate Debbie if she's passed and to console her if she hasn't.
One! It's one! Oh, one! Reggie, drop the sign.
Oh.
Huh? Oh, you guys! You knew! It means so much to me that you believed in me.
Oh, of course! Oh, was there ever a doubt? Oh, my goodness! What do you say we pop a little bubbly in the kitchen? - Yes! - Yay! Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie! Ohh.
Debbie, I'm so sorry.
Your failure is my failure.
Dick, she passed.
Huh.