The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e08 Episode Script

Hey, what's going on? Nothing.
What's going on over there? Oh, I, uh, cut myself shaving.
Ah.
Get a pretty thick beard growing on your nose? Fine.
It's a pimple, okay? Lots of guys my age get pimples.
Yeah, that's the first sign your body's changing.
Pretty soon your private areas are going to blossom in wonderful ways.
All right, all right.
Cat food? We don't have a cat.
You know, just because something's on special doesn't mean you have to buy it.
No, it's for this stupid cat who keeps showing up at the patio door expecting to be fed.
Well, putting that cat food out there should put a stop to that.
Is there any mail for me? Uh, there's something from eHarmony to the single resident.
- They're talking to you.
- They're talking to you.
- They're talking to you.
- They're talking to you.
- I'll take it.
- I'll take it.
And, uh, here's your porn.
It's not porn; it's a men's fitness magazine.
Oh, sorry, your gay porn.
Here's a package for you from Mom.
I hope it's not another photo of her and Dad from one of their trips.
Although that picture of them on a burro in Ensenada is pretty good.
That expression on that donkey's face really tells the whole story, doesn't it? - Oh, my God.
- What is that? It's this tape I made for my senior project in Mrs.
Fitzgerald's class.
Everybody had to make a video letter to themselves saying where we hoped to be in ten years.
Oh yeah, I remember that.
You wanted to be married to Winona Ryder.
How are you two doing? I'm doing fine.
Oh, shoot.
They're raising tuition at Ritchie's school again.
I can't afford another increase.
God, it's really slow at the gym right now.
I think fat's coming back.
What am I going to do? Don't look at me.
I can barely cover my nut as it is.
I asked you not to use that expression anymore.
Well, at least this time I'm talking about money.
You know, it seems like every time you turn around, that school's asking for more cash.
I know, right? But I'm not going to take Ritchie out of there.
He loves it; he's doing great.
He's really come into his own.
- Mom.
- Yeah.
I finished my homework.
Oh, good.
Hey! Cat! Well, at least this time, he knew it was a cat.
Honey, are you okay? There is no way I'm going to find another $250 a month in here for Ritchie's tuition.
I mean, I can barely cover my nut as it is.
Cover your nut? That's nasty.
I know, I know.
I used to hate it, but now I kind of love it.
Come on, Barb, look at this, okay? Help me-- I need to find some money in there.
You spent $1,500 on crack? That's an abbreviation for crackers.
You spent $1,500 on crackers? Well wine also falls into the cracker category.
Well, what is the thousand dollars under "wine"? That's my mortgage.
I just thought that my wine budget should be less than my mortgage.
You know, then people wouldn't think I have a problem.
Why would anyone think that you had a problem? You know, I even took out an equity line of credit last month, and that's all gone, too.
- Where'd it go? - Necessities.
House, food, taxes, hair.
You know, a little more up here, and a little less everywhere else.
You know, it adds up.
Plus this business is relatively new.
I mean, it's doing well, but it hasn't exactly taken off yet.
Look, let me help you.
Let me loan you the money.
No! I can't take money from a friend.
Come on, I had a pretty good year.
What? How? You're not working.
You hang out here all day long.
I like it here.
It's quiet.
At my old gym, there were always people working out.
Pete had a great year.
I'm married to Pete.
I cover Pete's nut, he covers mine.
You know what? Richard had a great year, too.
I'll just get the money from him.
You can do that? Wh-What kind of settlement do you guys have? No settlement, just friendly, you know.
Whenever one of us needs something, he just gives it to me.
Okay, so you don't have to live with him, you don't have to have sex with him, but you can still get money from him? So what's the down side to divorce? Well, that's the one thing nobody tells you.
There is no down side.
Because the world needs help right now, you know? I mean, you can't just sit back and wait for other people to make change.
Change starts with me.
So, here's what's going to happen.
I got in my top four choices of college.
I'll pick one, do awesome, go right into med school, probably Harvard.
Then after that I'm going to travel around the world healing people.
I am going to do a lot of good work in poor villages when my band, Powergrid, isn't touring.
I am going to make a difference.
Me and Winona.
Change the world.
Say no to drugs.
Why didn't I say no to drugs? - Hey.
- Hi.
Sorry to bother you but, um You're in your boxers.
Do you want me to put pants on? Nah.
So listen, I got this letter from Westbridge today.
They're raising tuition again, and I'm kind of strapped right now, so can I get a check? Christine, I've covered it for the last few months.
It's your turn.
Oh, I know that, I know that, but I've got nothing.
I mean, Barb and I looked over my expenses, and there's nowhere to get it from.
Well, I'm not exactly living the life here, either.
What do you want me to do? Sell the cinderblock bookcase or take back the rented couch? Come on, Richard-- we all have to make sacrifices.
There's got to be something.
I mean, what about that fancy kelp volumizer you use? I mean, isn't that like 50 bucks a month? I need that; it's from Japan.
Have you ever seen a bald Japanese man? Yeah.
Really? What about you? Those shoes are pretty nice.
I've never seen them before.
These are for Ritchie.
How? Because nice shoes make me happy, and when Mommy's happy, everyone's happy.
What if Daddy's not happy? Nobody gives a crap.
Come on, Richard-- it's for your son's education.
I can't do it alone.
You know what's being eaten around my house? Cat food.
You're not eating cat food.
Then why did I buy it? You know I help out when I can, but I'm telling you, this time I don't have it.
Hey, Sweetie.
Oh, Christine, you stopped by again.
Christine and I were just talking about some budget stuff.
Oh, well, you guys go ahead.
I just wanted to tell you that I spoke to my mom, and she can feed my fish for the week we're on vacation, so we're all set.
Well, I'll let you guys talk.
Maybe you should put on some pants.
I suppose I could use volumizer every other day.
It's already getting pretty thick.
You're going on vacation? You refuse to step up and pay for your son's education, but you're going on vacation? It's only for a week, and we've had it planned for a long time, and I've paid Ritchie's tuition for the last three months.
It's your turn.
Cat food, Richard.
And I'm not even talking about the good stuff.
I'm just asking you to behave responsibly and help me out here, okay? We have to work together as a team.
Fine.
I'll cancel the vacation.
Thank you, I really appreciate this.
I mean, there'll be other vacations, but you only have one son.
- Here you go.
- Okay.
Thank you.
You really helped me out here, and, Richard You might want to cover your nut.
Oh.
You're still here.
Well, it was either me or nobody, and nobody didn't show up.
Hey, listen, can you stay here just a little bit longer? Because I've got to go to the bank and then pick up Ritchie and then drop him off at the house.
No problem, I have to wait for the phone guy, anyway.
Oh, no, no the phones don't work.
I'm thinking the phone guy might be able to help with that.
Oh.
Right.
Yes, of course.
Good idea.
God, what's wrong with me? All this high finance has me a little fuzzy.
Okay, thanks.
I will be right back.
Oh, my bankbook! And, uh, I got the door fixed.
So the reason Christine came over was because she has a problem.
Wait a minute.
Christine had a problem? And she came to you for help? Yeah.
She always does.
I know, that was sarcasm.
Oh.
That was good.
You're getting better at that.
So what now? I had to front her some money, so now were not going to be able to go on vacation.
Well, now I have a problem.
Are you being sarcastic? Yes, Richard, I'm being sarcastic.
- So ? - Richard, I'm angry.
I knew it.
She always does this to us.
Why does she think she can come to you every time she's in trouble? We have an arrangement.
I help her out when she needs something, she helps me out when I need something.
We're a team.
If you two are a team, what does that make me, the mascot? It's for Ritchie's school.
You've already paid your share for Ritchie's school and her share most of the time.
I think she's taking advantage of your good nature.
She told me she had to buy cat food.
She probably got a cat.
Oh.
Why didn't I ask that? Look, let her figure it out for once.
I need to be alone with you.
I mean, her constant presence in our lives, the fact that she could just stop by at any moment and you'll drop everything to do what she wants, well, it's making me feel really inhibited with you.
You know, emotionally and sexually.
You've been inhibited? Haven't you noticed? That's inhibited? I feel like we could go a lot further if we were operating as a unit, just the two of us.
A lot further? How? Do you have a secret compartment I don't know about? Because I-I really feel like I've covered everything.
I want to break free.
I want to experience us as a couple.
I'm still trying to figure out in what ways you could possibly be less inhibited.
I mean, unless you kill me.
Take me away, and I'll show you.
I need this vacation, Richard, and I need it now.
Give me the check! Give me the check! Give me the check! You can't have your check back.
I already signed the back of it and wrote a dirty thing on the memo line.
Yeah, I appreciate getting my checks back with "For gay love" in my bank statement.
Hey, did you see that little picture that I drew? Come on, I'm not kidding-- I need it.
I need it, too.
We've been through this-- it's for Ritchie.
No.
You can't do that anymore.
You could take money from somewhere else, but you know if you tell me it's for our kid, I'm going to give it to you.
It is for Ritchie! Richard, we are stretched really tight around here.
I bought cat food.
And you're going to eat that? It's right here.
Okay, you can keep the check if you take a bite of it.
Well, I'm pretty full.
I had a big can for lunch.
I mean, you know, with a salad.
One bite.
Fine.
Oh, God! Okay, I got a cat.
God.
And I'm still broke.
Well, I'm sorry, Whiskers.
I'm more than happy to pay my share, but you're gonna have to pay your share, too.
Well, that's not how it works between us.
Whoever has the money pays; come on.
Don't you remember when you needed that new truck and I made the down payment? We were married then.
You mean just because we're not married, we can't be a team? That's right.
We're friends, we like each other, we're supportive, but I have a team, and she needs to go away and experience us as a couple.
Do I know what that means? No, I don't.
Am I a little scared? Yes, I am.
But I need to do it.
Well, I mean, if you guys are a team, then who's on my team? The cat.
Look, I'm in a really tough spot here.
I'm trying to make both of you happy.
Well, obviously, you've already made your decision.
I'm sorry if I took advantage of your Good nature? I was going to say stupidity, but okay.
Okay, good-bye.
I still need my check.
Fine.
I don't need you on my team.
I got my own team.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty? Come on.
Kitty? Kitty? Kitty! All right.
We're going to slow it down a little for you now.
Although if I slow you down anymore, you're going to be going backwards.
Here we go.
Hey, Barb, I'm so sorry to have left you here all day.
What are all these people doing here? They're new members.
I poached them from the donut shop next door.
I promised them ice cream.
Oh, we have ice cream? No, dear.
So, how's it going? Terrible.
Richard completely abandoned me.
He took his check back.
He quit the team.
There's no one to help me.
Really? No one? You can't think of anyone to help you? Hey, I know I'm not supposed to come to the gym because the women say I supposedly leer, but I had just had to tell you-- Wow, that's nice.
Matthew! Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I've got big news.
You know, I watched that tape, and, uh, it was awful.
I don't even know who that guy was.
I mean, what happened to me? What happened to Powergrid? We were so tight.
It's like, now I'm living in a shed behind my sister's house, playing "Nintendogs" with a nine-year-old all day.
I realized it was time for a change.
So, guess what? I'm going to medical school.
Richard took his check back.
He quit the team.
And the cat didn't come home for lunch.
But I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to medical school.
Are you still getting zits? Okay, I'm going to try this again.
I'm going to medical school! Oh, Matthew, I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's great.
I'm really excited for you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I made some calls.
My MCATs are still good.
I just have to take a couple prerequisite classes.
We're going to have a doctor on our team.
You get to be the team doctor.
Yeah, yeah, and I start in a couple weeks, so that gives you plenty of time to find someone to take care of Ritchie.
Wait, what? Well, I'm not going to be around as much, so you'll probably need to hire a nanny.
A nanny? Now I have to add a nanny to my nut? I feel like my life is finally beginning.
I feel like a man.
I'm going to be a doctor.
I'm okay.
What, were y'all raised by birds? Well, there goes the last of my team.
But it's okay.
I've been in worse situations than this.
I mean, so I'm alone.
I've been alone before.
I was born alone.
I'm going to die alone.
Okay, enough.
It's starting to get insulting.
Look, I'm right here.
I've been offering to help you all day.
Why can't I be on your team? I told you.
I can't borrow from a friend.
You're wearing my earrings.
I can borrow earrings.
And is that my vest? Oh, yeah.
Uh I'll be able to get this stain out.
I just think that money between friends is a bad idea, okay? You mean too much to me.
I'll figure something out.
All right, well, figure it out.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Christine? The hygienist said you weren't doing so well.
I'm fine.
I chipped my tooth.
But it didn't damage the root, so it's considered cosmetic.
It's not funny.
I'm sorry.
But I'll give you $30 if you say "You're despicable.
" Barb! God You're despicable.
Oh, honey, it's going to be okay.
How? Well, I offered you my money.
I'll take it.
What? You can loan me the money.
No, I'm not going to loan you the money.
Well, that was just mean.
No, I had a great day today.
For the first time in a long time, I felt useful.
I liked being at the gym.
I folded towels, I changed the water, I filled the tampon machine.
I made a difference.
Really? That's a great day for you? I liked having something to do.
- Look, so here's my idea.
- What? We don't call it a loan.
It's an investment.
In the gym.
We could be partners.
Partners? I'm tired of Pete covering my nut.
It'd be nice to cover my own nut for a change.
Yeah.
We could cover each other's nuts.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this.
And I'll give you an extra thousand not to get that tooth fixed.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Come on, kitty.
I'm not going to stand here all night.
Kitty? This is your last chance.
Come on, kitty.
Okay, I'm going in.
Good night, kitty.