The Odd Couple (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 (knocking) Don't you look handsome.
I have to.
I've got this super-hot girlfriend.
She's smart, successful, can't keep her hands off me.
Can't keep her hands off me.
(chuckles) Mmm.
So, what's this restaurant you're taking me to? Oh, it's very fancy.
No free refills, a lot of things are "market price.
" Please don't order those things.
Hey, if you're getting lucky, I'm getting lobster.
Uh, the new sitter should be here soon.
Oh, you got a new sitter? You mean since you dated and dumped my last one? Yes.
This one's a 60-year-old former Olympic shot-putter with unfortunate facial hair.
Big boobs? (chuckles) Mmm.
EVAN: Mommy.
I don't feel good.
Oh, sweetheart.
Come here.
Um, Evan, this is Oscar, Mommy's new friend.
Hi.
Nice to meet you, big guy.
Little man.
Little buddy.
Honey child.
Jump in here anytime.
Where does it hurt? My tummy.
Do you have to go out, Mommy? Uh I'm sorry, but would you mind if we stayed in and watched a movie? I can cancel Olga.
Boy, you will do anything to keep me away from that hairy shot-putter.
I'll be right back.
So, your tummy hurts, huh? That's no fun, right? Yep.
Sucks to be sick.
(whispers): I'm not sick.
What do you What? Here you go, sweetie.
(coughs) Thank you, Mommy.
Poor guy.
- Mwah.
- I have a feeling he'll pull through.
Gustave, yes, Felix Unger.
Just calling to confirm my dinner reservation for Saturday night.
Yeah.
Table three? Oh, bon.
Yes.
I'm trying to recreate my first date with my girlfriend, minus that violinist whose A-string was so flat it might as well have been a G-string.
(chuckles) Oh, Gustave, I will call you back.
Felix, are you planning something for my birthday? Oh, no.
Just your average dinner.
Followed by a carriage ride.
To a hot air balloon.
Which will take us back to the roof of this building.
Then down the elevator for dessert.
Felix, I specifically asked you not to make a fuss.
Yes, but everybody knows that a request for no fuss is really an implied request for fuss at a level of intensity matching that with which no fuss was requested.
What? Everybody wants fuss.
Well, I don't.
Why not? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay, but everybody knows that a request not to talk about something is an implied request to talk My birthday is cursed! Cursed? What do you mean? Ever since I was a little girl, my birthdays have all been disasters.
Like my tenth birthday, when my cousin broke my nose with a piñata stick.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It healed in time for my 11th birthday, when I got kicked in the face by a pony.
I am more sorry.
And then, on my 15th birthday, my fashion-model sister got her first magazine cover while I got braces.
Couldn't get any worse.
On my legs.
I get it.
If you don't want to celebrate your birthday, we won't.
Thank you.
But there is no reason I couldn't host a little dinner party here on Saturday night that you and all your closest friends - just happen to be invited to.
- Felix.
What? If we don't call it a birthday party, it won't be one.
We'll have a fabulous time while breaking the curse for all future birthdays.
I guess if it's just a dinner, why not? Ah.
That's the spirit! We'll break the streak.
Yeah.
Suck it, curse! (chuckles) (phone vibrates) Oh.
Ah.
A text from Gustave.
Oh.
Apparently our table was just destroyed by a falling chandelier.
Now, who wants to make napkin swans? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think you're going a little overboard? Wait, you're busy.
I'll answer that.
Yes.
Yes, you are.
Oscar, this is my chance to break Emily's bad birthday streak.
Checkmate, curse broken, "Felix Unger, you are my hero.
" Mmm.
Ow.
Guess what.
After some clandestine e-mailing with Emily's family, I found out that Emily's dear departed Grammie used to make her a special birthday cake.
And I managed to track down the recipe.
Nothing like Dead Grandma Cake to break a curse.
Is Charlotte able to make it tonight? Ow! Stop hurting me.
Yes, Charlotte will be here.
Without Evan, thank God.
Oscar, you've been dating her for a month.
Can't you just tell her that her son lied about being sick? Oh, that's a great idea.
"You know that little kid you carried "inside you for nine months? He's determined to be the last one in there.
" Why don't you just try to win him over? How do I do that? With warmth and charm and charisma.
Or just buy him something.
Yeah.
Aha! Aah! Hot! Aah! Hot! Hello! My number one client.
(chuckles) I'm just stopping by to wish you luck on today's show.
Are you sure you're not here for your latest shoe delivery? (chuckling): Oh, yeah.
Come to papa.
(chuckles) Oh! Mint condition 1984 Hamagakis.
(inhales deeply) Ah.
One sniff and I'm transported back to a time before I realized I sucked at basketball.
Why are you having them delivered here? Oh, he doesn't just have them delivered here.
He stores them here and then visits them like they're his children.
Hi, kids, it's Uncle Oscar.
Your daddy's here.
Oh, please.
I see these shoes way more than I see my kids.
Why can't you keep them at your house? Ah, Diane can't know that I'm buying these.
She wants to spend our money on a new kitchen.
When we all know the moment you make that first sandwich that room loses half its value.
Isn't Diane coming here for dinner tonight? Ooh, good point.
Oscar, maybe it's best that we put those someplace else.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll move 'em.
Unless I forget.
Just kidding, I won't.
Unless I do.
Aw! There she is! Wait, am I allowed to hug you today? I don't want to catch that curse.
It's not contagious.
Mmm.
(chuckles) Unlike the rabies I caught at my sweet 16.
Hello, darling.
Wow, it smells amazing.
You said you weren't gonna make a big deal.
No, I didn't.
It's just your average, pedestrian, run-of-the-mill affair.
With one incredible surprise at the end.
Ooh! I love surprises.
Give me a hint.
Um, okay.
Uh, let's just say it's something you've been thinking about since you were a little girl.
Ooh! Ooh! (chuckles) And one day you will tell your kids about it.
(gasps) Huh.
Emily, you don't think he means What? Popping the question.
(chuckling): What? A proposal? That's crazy.
We've only been dating for four months.
It's way too soon.
Didn't you say he was gonna take you back to the restaurant where you had your first date? Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.
Felix, do you think I should have my camera ready for that surprise? Absolutely.
Still, we don't know that that means anything.
And maybe some tissues for the tears of joy.
Okay, let's not get carried away.
Don't worry.
I'm very levelheaded.
That's just one of the traits that'll make me a great maid of honor.
That's right.
I'm staking my claim.
Wow.
That dress is incredible.
Thanks.
Felix sent me a list of acceptable attire.
Your roommate is a little bit I want to say "persnickety," but I don't think that's anal enough.
Mommy, Olga has a question for you.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
Evan, say hi to Oscar.
Hi, Oscar.
Hi, Evan! (groans) Remember that movie we saw the other night? I thought maybe you'd like your own Maldork the Dragon! It's Maldrak, not Maldork.
Dork.
Did you just double-dork me? What if I did, dork? Look, obviously we got off on the wrong foot here.
I was hoping we'd find a way to be friends.
Yeah, never gonna happen.
Hey, Oscar.
Thanks for the dragon! This is awesome! Oh, what a sweet gift.
Hey, can you check the latch on this? Is it on? Oh, it's on.
Here I am.
Looking great but without a date.
Why would you bring a date when you can have one wrapped in bacon? Mmm.
Yum.
And this one doesn't live with his mother.
(timer dings) Excuse me.
The amuse-bouche beckons.
Mmm.
I brought my camera and tissues in case there's a big moment.
Oh, stop it.
I'm just saying I'm a planner.
Which is why I have some thoughts about bridesmaids' dresses.
I'm thinking light, bright, and super tight.
Hello, everybody! Welcome.
Diane, you look ravishing.
Thank you, Felix.
That's a nicer compliment than I got from my husband.
I said you looked fine.
Yeah, you said "fine.
" You didn't say "fine.
" Now, now, now, no marital discord tonight.
I'm gonna hang this in the closet.
Don't open that door! Or do whatever you want.
It's your party.
All right, we're here.
The party can start.
Charlotte, that dress is lovely.
Would you mind going home and changing it? - What? - You see, you and Emily are wearing the exact same color dress, which is just the sort of thing that could take an already anxious birthday girl and send her over the edge.
He's joking, right? Felix, you can't ask Charlotte to go upstairs, take off her dress, and While he's picturing me naked, I'll go up and change.
Thank you.
Think about baseball.
All right.
Look at this cake.
You made it? Teddy can't reheat a burrito.
It's Emily's big surprise.
Her beloved grandmother's special carrot cake.
I love to bake.
How many carrots does she use? Well, you know, the recipe only called for two.
Do you think two carrots is enough? DIANE: Two carrots is plenty.
Emily's gonna love it.
You know she's going to cry.
And then that maniac told Charlotte to go back and change her dress.
Mm.
My name is Dani Duncan.
I do not approve that message.
Sorry.
Dani, can we talk? Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
What's wrong? You look pale, and that's saying something given your starting point.
Dani, I think you might be right about Felix.
I just heard him talking about an engagement ring.
Okay, bachelorette party.
What are we thinking? Party limo, party bus, party Hummer? What's up? Come on.
Dani, I'm not ready to marry Felix.
I mean, he's amazing, but we haven't even said "I love you" yet.
Okay.
You're right.
But if you want the good strippers, you got to book 'em soon.
The sexy firemen go so quick! Then just a dash of lemon juice, and you have tonight's signature cocktail, the Heavenly Lemony Emily.
Oh.
And if you can say it three times fast, then you need another one.
(laughter) For the second time tonight, wow.
Oh, thanks.
It's a little tight.
I might need some help taking it off later.
Oscar, are you okay? (knocking) OSCAR: Evan.
Look, it's Evan.
What are you doing here? Where's Olga? I snuck out.
I can't sleep.
What's wrong? FELIX: Yes.
What's wrong? Why is there a child at my grown-up dinner party that needs to go off without a hitch? It's the dragon that Oscar gave me.
It's too scary.
It gave me bad dreams.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come here.
You know, I think we might have to get rid of that little monster.
I couldn't agree more.
And here you go, your own kiddie cocktail.
I call it the Napoleon because he was a cute little invader, just like you.
Maybe we should go.
No, no! Evan's welcome here.
Hey, buddy, come here.
You want to go play video games in my studio? Okay, but only if Mommy comes and checks on me every five minutes.
Every ten.
Seven and a half.
Oh, you're the worst.
Whoa, how many of those have you had? This is still my first Heavily Beverly Gemini.
Okay, three big ones.
- Look, maybe he won't even ask you.
- Right.
Let me do a little recon.
Oh.
Okay, I'm dying to know.
What's Emily's surprise? Okay, I'm not gonna say another word about it.
Except that I think it's the best idea I've ever had, and Emily's father agrees with me.
Her father? Mm-hmm.
I called him last night, and he gave me his blessing.
Uh-huh.
Oh, it's definitely happening.
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, when you throw the bouquet, I'll be to the left.
Get it high, and I will do the rest.
Hey, Mommy, can I get some shoes like these? Aw, hell.
Teddy, am I looking at a pair of retro Japanese basketball shoes?! (laughs) Good eye, honey.
I thought you said you hid my stash.
I did, but I forgot the new ones.
I'm sorry.
Size nine and a half?! Damn it, Teddy, are you buying shoes again?! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Those, um those are mine.
Oscar, uh, gave them to me.
I did? Give them to you.
So these are yours, Felix? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Okay, so, why don't you show us how they look on you? (chuckles) I can't think of a reason why not.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
Size 11.
(laughing): Oh, yes, but that's in a dress shoe.
In a sneaker, I'm a snug nine and a half.
Yeah.
Wow.
(laughing): It's like I'm walking on a cloud.
Am I even wearing shoes? I can't tell.
(grunts) What's that? It's a birthday gift for Emily.
On her birthday? Are you mad?! Now put that away, and we'll never speak of this again.
Oscar, we need to talk.
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but that little guy is driving me crazy.
You, too? I didn't think you saw any of it.
How could I not? It's like he's trying to ruin our night.
Oh, I'm so glad you see it.
Most moms wouldn't admit that their kid was being a pain in the ass.
Kid? We're talking about Evan, right? I'm talking about Felix.
Well, of course Felix is a pain in the ass.
That's not news.
So what's your problem with Evan? Okay.
He lied about being sick the other night.
He's lying about not being able to sleep tonight.
He's totally sabotaging us.
Unbelievable, Oscar.
You're attacking a nine-year-old? A nine-year-old who called me a dork.
Three times! (Felix whimpering) How are those feet feeling? Like they're being hoisted aloft by the hands of angels.
Ow, sweet Lord, the pain.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
(screams) Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I thought that you were about to - No, no, no, everything, everything, everything's fine.
I got this.
Nothing to worry about.
Oh! Oh, no! Uh, Felix! That is a sickness.
Don't you pin this on fancy pants.
Those are your shoes.
No.
No, no.
No drama.
Tonight is-is a night of joy, so let's just, uh, skip ahead to Emily's big surprise.
Um Emily.
- From the first moment I saw you - Please don't do this.
I knew that you were someone special It's not the time.
and that you deserved the very best of everything.
I really don't.
And that is why, Emily, my darling Felix, I don't want to marry you.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
What are you talking about? I'm not proposing to you.
You're not? (whoops) I'm so relieved.
Wait, you're relieved? Yes, Dani had me convinced that you were gonna propose.
So the idea of marrying me is that horrible.
No, it's just too early.
I have no idea if I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Well, you're in luck, 'cause I had no intention of asking you.
This whole party was a disaster.
Congratulations, curse! You win! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
If they only had what we have.
Right, baby? I'm-a bite you.
(knocking on door) I'm here to apologize.
And to see if Olga's free tomorrow night.
(chuckles) I'm the one who needs to apologize.
I talked to Evan.
And he was trying to break us up.
So I was right! And wrong to say that.
This is just really hard for him.
I mean, it's so soon after the divorce, and I guess tonight I realized he just isn't ready to see me moving on.
Yeah, but you have to move on eventually, though, right? I will.
It's just not "eventually" yet.
I get it.
If it was for any other reason I know.
It's just been so great, but maybe we need to push pause for now.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm gonna miss our snappy banter.
I'm gonna miss a lot of things.
Just do me one favor.
Let me know when "eventually" finally comes.
You will be the first one I call.
You did mention needing help getting out of that dress.
Good night, Oscar.
Good night, Charlotte.
Do you think Felix is still upset? He must be he's letting us clean up, and that's usually his favorite part.
Ugh, why did I overreact like that? Well, at least there's cake.
Mmm, this tastes just like Oh, my God.
Emily, if you don't mind, I would rather be alone right now.
Stop talking.
I tasted the cake.
That is the most thoughtful, wonderful surprise I have ever gotten.
Felix Unger, I love you.
You do? I love you, too.
And FYI, for the future, I don't need two carats.
(chuckles) As long as it's a platinum-set emerald cut and the clarity is flawless, then anything is fine.