Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Oh, the weather outside - Merry Christmas, everyone! - Please.
It's only Fake Christmas, Ms.
Schmidt-If-You're-Nasty.
I think this is cute.
And a little weird, like a bunny with human teeth.
But why is she here? I had to invite Mimi.
She had no place to go on Fake Christmas.
This is not a real holiday.
She had nowhere to go on a Thursday.
Well, I've got the Christmas spirit.
I made everybody stockings, even Murasaki.
Murasaki doesn't do Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho! - Merry Christmas! - Santa! Wait, I can't kiss you.
I'm married! And Mrs.
Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman.
Where was all this acting commitment when I asked you to say it was my birthday at Baskin Robbins? - The Jews took my painting! - What? Now it's a party! Ho, ho, ho.
You ho! Sonja? Where's Dong? How would I know? He says he's been working late, and then I found this under his pillow.
- Is that my scrunchie? - Hey! You don't barge into people's tugboats uh, homes and wave a pocket butthole at them! I put it there, Sonja.
I went to your house to beg Dong to take me back.
He kicked me out, but I hid this under his pillow.
I thought, that way, I might be in his dreams, like Freddy Krueger, but romantic, but with the same sweater.
This seems much less important than my thing.
I'm watching you, Kimmy, and you never know where I am because of my invisibility hat.
He kept my scrunchie.
Shut up! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Well, Santa's got to be on his way.
Hang on, you're leaving? - Sorry, little boy.
- Ew, stop.
You're a worse actor than Cate Blanchett.
What? She's great! Is she? Or is she just tall? Hmm.
It's the worst Fake Christmas ever.
So this is what hell is like.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
What's eating you, sweetheart? Some Jewish family is claiming that the Nazis stole my Mondrian from them in the '30s.
They can't take my painting! - Well, maybe I can help.
- Really? - I can't pay you.
- Come on.
I got your back with this painting thing.
I actually know a little something about that world.
Twice a week, I'm a nude model for what I'm pretty sure is an art class.
Kimmy, wh Dong, I know Sonja's at work, so I knew you'd be alone.
Yes, Sonja is at work.
Look, Sonja found my scrunchie under your pillow, so I told her the truth: that I put it there because I'm trying to drive the two of you apart.
Oh, how could you? - What a trick to play.
- I know.
I was being a real slutburger.
But since I'm here Mm.
Now it's your turn.
Yeah, take it.
You have to leave! I'm married! I cannot suck on your scarf! Fine, I give up.
Now that I know how you really feel about me goodbye forever.
I hate you so much, you crazy American witch.
I hate you, too.
Ah, Sonja.
Where did you come from? This bus is taking forever! Ermahgerd.
I took the day off for Kimmy, and now she's out chasing Dong.
You know what? I'm going out, Mimi Kanassis.
I'm gonna find me an ice cream shop that won't ask for ID when I tell them it's my birthday.
Uh-uh, Rick.
I am not coming in to work on my day off.
Titus, we are slammed.
Jason just got a callback for Hamilton, so we need you to cover his shift.
Why didn't I get an audition for that? They're just prejudiced 'cause I can't rap or walk quickly in a circle.
Titus, you know the day the ground beef expires is our busiest time of the month.
Just get down here, okay? When will this liberal war on Fake Christmas end? So you're the creep who's trying to take this painting out of my children's mouths.
My name is Russ Snyder.
I'm the attorney for the Jewish Art Reclamation Project, or JARP! Please excuse the sling.
I can't discuss it due to an ongoing lawsuit, but the door said "push.
" It did, okay? So every All right, let's get to the matter at hand.
I'm not giving anything to those whiners! Ms.
White, the family pronounces it "Wiener.
" And their claim to Composition in Burgundy and Gold is frankly unassailable.
But it's her painting! She bought it! Yes, only after Hermann Goering stole it so he could turn it into a dress.
Fortunately, the war ended before he could create what would have been a real statement piece for him.
Now, take these.
Excuse the greasy hands.
I had an empanada con queso in the car.
Now, you can clearly see the evidence here in this 1936 photo of the family home.
Oh, yeah, they look real Jewish.
What No, they're standing in front of the painting.
Really? Because my painting has colors in it! - All right, Mr.
Dubbin - "Mister"? I like him! Let me know how your office would like to proceed.
I'd like to bring some well-deserved closure to Harry Wiener and his late wife, Ivana Eda-Wiener.
What do we do? Well, we could either give the painting back, or I can stall this thing pretty much forever.
- You can? - Oh, yeah.
It's the one thing I'm better at than my brother, David.
You should see him peel an orange.
Perfect! We just let those bastards twist in the wind, like the twins on laundry day.
Exactly, so you just keep me on retainer indefinitely, and that painting stays with you.
See, I've got this little courtroom stalling trick.
It's pretty amazing.
What I do is Well, this is some Fake Christmas.
Where did everybody go, anyway? Jacqueline took the old lady to the movies, and the black guy's dead! Dong? How did you fit in Rat Alley? Why did you take the fall for me with Sonja? After the way I treated you, I was like Cher in Clueless pretending she wasn't falling for Josh.
As if! You have every reason to hate me, but you protected me.
You are such a good person, Kimmy.
Every day, after Sonja goes to work at the U.
N.
Wait, where? I smell your scrunchie and dream of when I am divorced in two years.
As if! I can't live like this.
- Run away with me! - What? No, I You were right this whole time.
We shouldn't wait to live our lives.
But you could lose everything.
Without you, I already have.
Sonja knows you work nights, so take tonight off.
We could go somewhere together.
Like when Joey and Pacey went to Aunt Gwen's cottage in "The Creek of the Son of Daw.
" But where would we go? I think we're both thinking the same thing.
On three.
One, two, three.
Four.
The Poconos.
What are you doing? You're not Frankenwolf today.
You're filling in for Jason.
The Spooky Gravedigger? Wait, I'm shift manager? Do I still get to do my solo? No, the Invisible Kraken will take your part.
You have way too much work to do.
Wert? But those papers have numbers on them, Rick.
Numbers! The most boring of all the shapes! Hey, are you the manager? I think these Spooky Joes went bad.
Serve them anyway! Have the customers no toilets? Have they no trash cans? Wow, will you look at this place? Oh, my God.
A Wall Street fella could really kill a lady in here.
It's all over.
All you got to do is pay the lawyer to stall for you until the Wieners I can't do that! I I can't afford to do that.
I'm broke, okay? Are you kidding? With this apartment and that wig? I can't stay here.
That painting was all I had left.
This is the painting? It's just a bunch of squares and, like, three paints.
A kid could draw this! Or we could.
Well, we're getting closer.
Wait, which one is the original? Oh, God.
I'll have to sell my diamonds and pearls.
Oh, honey, you're gonna have to sell all your Prince albums.
Well, at least then I can cancel my insurance policy.
I won't have anything worth insuring.
Hang on.
Is the painting insured? Well, of course.
A standard policy against fire, theft, orgy mist, and class war.
Well, why didn't you say so? That's easy! All you got to do is say you're giving the painting back to Harry Wiener and his daughter, Anita Wiener-Statt.
But then Oh, no a bunch of dogs eat it! I know a guy who makes things happen.
What kind of things? Well, let's just say the New York Liberty did not beat the Indiana Fever last night on the strength of their crisp layups.
Here's the number.
I don't know if I can do that.
Think it over.
I've never stayed at a hotel before, but I don't think this place is open.
When I called from the road, the fax line was working.
Nope, it was that raccoon.
Let's find someplace else to stay.
I promised you Aunt Gwen's cottage, and This is better.
We can have whatever room we want, and there's no way anyone's gonna spot us here.
And look, they must have tennis! Oh, man, no, I think this used to be an orange.
I bet this place used to be really romantic.
Seriously.
I mean, the bathtub's shaped like a butt! "Warning regarding babies and hot tubs: Due to the high temperatures and their ability to preserve prostatic fluid, bathe at your own risk of spontaneous pregnancy.
" Wow, that's not where I thought that was headed.
So we can do whatever we want.
I feel like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
And I'm the old man with the shovel.
Okay, on three, let's both say what we want to do.
One, two, three.
- Raid the candy machine! - Lose my American virginity.
Candy machine.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Please, ma'am, I'm trying to be reasonable.
Heater's broken on six! You'll have to take that up with your credit card company, but I can offer you a complimentary waffle.
Mount Breezy Lodge.
Please hold forever.
So what should we do now? I mean, what else do people even do in hotels with beds together? We don't have to.
No, I want to.
Why do you think I packed this fancy nightgown? Let's brush our teeth! Take a load off.
- Ah! - Oh, I'm so sorry! I don't know why I did that! Did I do something wrong? No, I just have problems.
I had a weird childhood.
Like Anna Chlumsky in My Girl.
Let's try again.
Please.
Okay.
I'm going to kiss you now.
Okay.
Ugh, why does this keep happening? Damn Creepy Coins.
Why can't we use gift cards like everybody else? Hey, Titus, since you're the manager now, do you mind if I take off a little early? I do mind.
You're being paid to be here, are you not? Or perhaps you'd rather I replace you with a Yuko.
But I have to take Tiny Tim to the doctor.
I don't care about Wait a minute, you don't have kids.
Tiny Tim is my nickname for my penis.
- He's very sick.
- Hogwash! The hogwash just made it worse! Fake Christmas or no, you shall work befitting your situation! If I gave everyone who had a sick penis the day off, there'd be no one here at all, least of all me, sir! Now, good day! I've got to do it for my family.
I'm calling Lillian's guy.
I've got no choice.
I fail.
Calling voice mail.
No, idiot, I'm calling Yesterday, 9:10 p.
m.
It's her voice mail, Virgil.
Hi, Jackie-Lynn, it's Mom.
I was in the paper! I found a leaf that looked like January Jones.
She's from South Dakota, you know.
She knows! Oh, we forgot to tell you.
That secret society at Yale finally agreed to return your great-great-grandfather's skull.
It's a beer stein now, but the important thing is, is that he's home.
See, people do the right thing eventually.
I cut that leaf to look like her.
Call us when you can, dear.
Maybe this is still Home Alone.
It's just the part where Kevin cripples those desperate men.
I don't want it to be Home Alone.
That's not sexy.
What happened to Dawson's Creek! Yeah, I get that a lot.
But like the name tag says, I'm Purvis.
That's what I wanted tonight to be like.
Remember the end of season one when Dawson and Joey finally kissed? It was so perfect! Ha! Perfect.
She doesn't even end up with Dawson.
What? But it's his creek.
Yeah, Joey and Pacey go all the way on the class ski trip at the end of season four.
Well, I only saw season one for totally normal not weird reasons.
And it's not like their thing was all that perfect either.
I mean, Pacey and Joey were totally fighting for that entire ski trip because of that blonde in the hot tub.
And what about that speech that she gave? What was up with that? "This is because you carried my bag off the bus.
This is because you taught me how to drive.
" I mean, she makes sex sound like some sort of McDonaldland gift card you'd give your dog walker for Christmas.
I mean, how about, "This is because I find you really attractive, Pacey.
This is because I love your doughy little boy body, and I know it's gonna tighten up one day.
" Whatever.
He got through it.
Jeez, Purvis, I had no idea it was so complicated.
Yeah, and don't even get me started on sex.
I mean, it's weird, and it's gross, and it's way too close to where we poop and pee, which is why I'm never gonna do it.
Well, I guess we all have our issues.
But as long as you find the right person, you know, like Pacey and Joey, none of the rest of that stuff really matters.
Just the ice pack, then? Um condoms?! Good news! Jason got the part in Hamilton of break-dancing John Locke, so consider yourself promoted! You mean I have to do this job forever? Yes, we are gonna have to recast your old part.
Uh Rodney could fit into the Frankenwolf costume.
I get to sing? Goodbye, Rodney Simmons.
Hello, Troylus Cressibo, star on the rise! It's like looking into my own past, right down to the six-pack abs.
Shut up.
I used to be like him.
Now I'm just sitting here counting my money.
What will become of me if I keep this up? Oh, God! That's what the president looks like now? Spirit, are you saying that's what I'll turn into if I'm the boss? All gray and wrinkly and everyone hates me? Nah, man, I just want to know if I can switch to hockey.
Is that really what it's all about? What's the point of any of it? Lillian.
Kimmy.
My loyal servants.
You know what? I quit! I'm going home to celebrate Fake Christmas with the people I fake love! If I'm reading this right, one of us needs to go back for a banana.
Let me see if I can figure it out.
I blame my mom for this.
She never taught me about the birds and the bees.
And the Durnsville school system only taught us about the birds and the bees.
Did you know God won't let penguins fly because they're gay? Ready for the hurricane? Uh, Kimmy? Oh, no! Have I been punching you this whole time and didn't realize it? I think I have a latex allergy.
This happened once before when I tried to sleep on a pile of cut-up bike tires.
Call back.
And now I can't breathe, which means my brain isn't getting any of your emails, Peter.
No! Not My Girl.
It's supposed to be Dawson's Creek.
Hello, 911, this is Kimmy.
How are you? I'm just trying to be polite.
I've never done this before.
And you're wasting my time! Will you stop making those noises? Okay, look, I'll have you know that some of the most powerful men in history were mouth-breathers.
Lou Ferrigno, Henry Kissinger, John Merrick, whom you may know better as the Elephant Man.
Wow, and you're boring.
You're the total package! Are we done here? I think I just figured out why a beautiful woman like you is living alone, but I'm afraid I can't leave until the Mondrian does.
Look, I'm not the bad guy here, okay? Really? Well, then who is? Who do I blame for all of this? Kimmy.
Kimmy did this to me.
She said I didn't need a rich husband to support me, but she was wrong.
I just want my old life back.
All right, just take the painting directly to the granddaughter, Maya Wiener-Hertz-Allott-Cozzabudts.
All right, let's go.
I got to wheels up back to D.
C.
in 90 minutes.
He has a jet? I haven't flown private in so long.
Yeah, okay, good.
That's it.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
What? And I'm guessing this isn't Mrs.
Green Card you were trespassing with on a federal raccoon sanctuary? This is the kind of stuff Trump's talking about.
Yeah, you're telling me, Dave.
These Chinese guys taking all our redheads.
I'll call Immigration.
I'm so sorry, Dong.
I ruined your life, and we didn't even super make out.
You didn't ruin my life.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
You know, there's no old telephones in here.
- Uh-huh.
- And you're in handcuffs which is making my brain feel calm for more totally normal reasons.
Kimmy, are you sure? We're never going to see each other again, and it's really gross back here.
It's never gonna be perfect.
Oh! Thank Thank God you're home! I just chased some guy out of here after I caught him wrecking your toilet! Dong got arrested.
They're gonna send him back to Vietnam.
I got a guy who has some dogs, but I don't think his dogs are gonna be able to eat your way out of this one.
Boy, what day is today? Me? Um, Thursday.
Oh, it hardly seems possible.
So much has happened! I ran all the way home because it seemed more festive and dramatic, but it took, like, four hours, and it was definitely a mistake! But I finally learned the true meaning of Fake Christmas! Since when do you care about Fake Christmas? Anyway, it's almost over.
Oh, Kimmy, don't you get it? Fake Christmas isn't about a day of the year, and it's definitely not about getting presents! Titus! What in the hello, Operator, please give me number nine? Fake Christmas is about one simple thing.
It's about being with your fake family.
My baby servants.
We had our Fake Christmas At first it seemed so stupid Then Titus learned a lesson And had the group's only adventure Hey, where is Mimi? I bet she is dead by now Don't worry, it's just asbestos.
Come on, let's order pizza Come on, let's order pizza I'd also go for Mexican I'm out of cash By the way, I quit my job.
Baby girl, did you have sex today? - Good night, everybody! - Good night!