United States of Al (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

Here you go, Hazelnut.
Thanks, Grampy.
- Maple syrup? - Flying in.
Oh.
Jam? Flying in.
You sure you don't want a waffle? No, thank you.
I'm having some mushed banana.
Oh, I used to eat that.
- Really? - Yeah.
When I was four weeks old.
Burn.
Your wisdom teeth still bothering you? A little.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
Want me to chew this up and spit it in your mouth like a baby bird? You need to go to the dentist and get those things pulled.
Oh, can I have your teeth? - Why? - For the tooth fairy.
Okay.
What is she talking about? When a kid loses their tooth, they put it under their pillow and the tooth fairy leaves them money.
And you believe this is real? I believe money's real.
Wait a minute, you've been playing us this whole time? I'm not playing anyone.
I'm just a wittle girl who wants a PS5.
Why does the dentist need to know if my mother has a history of heart disease? I don't think she does, but now I'm worried about it.
Just put "no.
" Have I ever had an adverse reaction to a medical procedure? Yeah, when you get the bill.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, that's solid, you can use it.
What are you in for? - Cleaning.
- Nice.
I've never had a cavity.
Okay.
Not a brag, just the truth.
Thank you again for driving me, Mr.
Art, but I could've done it myself.
Oh, no.
With the drugs you'll be on, you could get in the wrong cab and wake up on a park bench missing a kidney.
That happens? Heard it on a podcast.
Pretty gruesome stuff.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't feel any of this.
It feels like someone else's face.
It's yours.
No, no, touch it.
See? It's weird.
Yeah, it was weird in the parking lot, it's weird now.
We have to make one stop.
Riley wants me to pick up beer.
Oh, yes.
The prince needs his beer, and his butler will get it for him.
What's that supposed to mean? Eh, he treats you more like a servant than a father.
But don't blame yourself, it's your fault.
Wait, how's it my fault? You have no authority in your home because you allow your children to walk all over you.
You saying I'm a bad father? Yes, exactly, thank you.
You are a bad father.
I couldn't remember the word.
They don't walk all over me.
- Who? - My kids.
Oh, what about them? - Never mind.
- Mm.
[RATTLING.]
Oh, my God, there are teeth in my pocket.
Am I the tooth fairy? [GROANS.]
Hey, sleepyhead.
How do you feel? Back to 100%.
Here.
Just wondering, what'd you say to my dad? What are you talking about? He's mad about something.
Really? Said he wished the doctor sewed your mouth shut.
Things do get a little hazy after the waiting room.
You don't remember? No.
Which is odd, because I have a very strong brain thanks to the almonds my mother gave me every morning.
Baby boy had his first blackout.
I can't believe I missed it.
I'd say tell me everything, but What happens in a blackout? In my experience, you have a few beers, then you blink and it's the next day, and people are mad and you might have a new tattoo.
And you get a text from a strange number that just says, "Thanks.
" [SIGHS.]
God knows what I might have said to your father.
How am I going to show my face to him? Well, be a man.
Go face the music while I watch from a safe distance.
[AL GROANS QUIETLY.]
Hello.
Uh, what are you doing? Baking a cake.
Good one.
I'm gonna have some applesauce.
My gums are a little sore.
Probably from all the flapping they were doing.
You know what's so funny? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I don't remember anything we talked about.
You done with this? Yes, I am quite full.
Thank you.
You don't remember what you said? No, I do not.
Let me give you the highlights.
You called me a bad father.
[WHISTLES.]
That must be a mistake.
Well, it isn't.
And you said I let my kids walk all over me.
I-I would never say anything like that.
- Well, you did.
- There's no way I meant it, Mr.
Art.
Oh, you meant it.
You got a hit of truth serum in you, and you said exactly what you think.
Mr.
Art, I-I am so mortified.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for you, - and I would never - Save it.
This whole "respect your elders" song and dance, I'm not buying it.
Why are you smiling? Sorry.
I'm just happy it's not me.
[GROANS.]
Hey.
Hello, Hazel.
You got those teeth for me? Oh, right.
I need 'em by lights out.
What you doing? - Hiding.
- Been there.
Know what's a great hiding spot? Where? Let's just say, there's a bag of Oreos and a juice box under the bathroom sink.
Hmm.
I don't think I can fit in there.
Bummer.
Well, when my report card comes, you know where to find me.
Why don't you take a painkiller? No, I deserve this pain.
[SCOFFS.]
Don't feel bad.
Pissing off Dad is a rite of passage.
You're a Dugan now.
Yeah.
When it happens to me, I just wait for Riley to screw up and take the heat.
Oh, I want a brother.
Dinner is served.
Ribs and corn on the cob? He just had dental surgery.
It's okay, I can lick it.
This is great, Grampy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
I enjoyed buying, cooking it and serving it, because I'm basically just a butler around here.
[SIGHS.]
Mr.
Art, I-I I think this whole thing is a misunderstanding.
- Mm-hmm.
- You are not a bad father.
You're just an American father, raising American children in a permissive Western culture.
Permissive, huh? Yes, and i-it is just different than what I am used to, because we are taught to serve and respect elders without question.
Oh, I see, so it's not me you disapprove of, it's my culture.
You know what I do not disapprove of? These ribs.
Maybe I don't want my kids to be afraid of me.
I think it's good that we all say whatever we think.
Sort of like you on the goofy juice.
- Dad.
- I mean, you're living in my house, criticizing my country, coming from a place where they-they send kids to work when they're eight.
Those parents are desperate.
That is what 40 years of war does to a country.
Oh, I suppose that's America's fault, too? Don't answer that.
No, I want to hear it.
I want to hear the actual truth out of this guy for once.
Sorry, twice.
Fine.
Yes.
It is America's fault.
And China, Pakistan, Iran, Russia for using my country as a game board.
Excuse me.
How can you talk to him like that? Oh, sure, point out all my faults.
I'll start: I have a bad temper.
You're embarrassing yourself.
See ya.
I don't think I was supposed to hear any of that.
What are you doing? Unburdening your father.
Man, you know he didn't mean it.
The worst insult to an Afghan man is to invite him to your house and then tell him he is a burden.
Thought the worst insult was calling someone a pimp.
It is.
And a dog.
We have more than one insult.
It's a rich culture.
I can't stay here.
Okay.
What are you doing? I'm coming with you.
No, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
Why not? Because if it is a choice between me and your family, you should always choose your family.
You are family.
Besides, I'm older than you, so you have to do as I say.
Mm, we don't know for sure that you're older because I don't know my birthday.
Well, you look like a 12-year-old who had a growth spurt over the summer.
And you look like Superman if his special power was drinking too much.
Wow.
Your culture is good at insults.
ANNOUNCER: But thermal expansion is not just affecting humans What you watching? Documentary about climate change.
Can't find the remote? Nope.
Mind if I join you? Sure.
It's a free country, unlike Afghanistan.
Oh, good, you've moved on.
I mean, the guy tells me how to be a parent.
He doesn't even have kids.
You're not a quarterback, but you're always yelling at the TV, "Throw it.
" Well, Baker Mayfield doesn't live with me.
And if he did, I'd show him how to beat the freaking Steelers.
Ugh.
Climate change.
Want to watch? Oh, no, I get it.
We're doomed.
Yeah, sorry, kiddo.
Add it to the list of things I screwed up.
Yeah, I'm gonna wait for Mom outside.
Are you sure we don't want to go to a motel? Wow, I remember when you could lean against a rock and sleep standing up.
Now you want to hang out in a motel like The Great Gatsby.
There is no way you read that book.
They made it into a book? Come on, man, we finally get to use our sweet gear.
We got headlamps, camp stove.
Oh, bro, look at this.
Look at this, look at this.
It's a cup.
Where'd it go? Oh, there it is again.
You cannot do that in a motel.
You absolutely could.
You and I have had fun roughing it in way worse places than this.
True.
And if it gets cold, we can always build a sandali.
That's the spirit.
What's a sandali? Oh, you put a pot of hot coal under a low table and cover it with a blanket, then you get under the blanket.
It is the warmest thing in the world.
How do you not die of carbon monoxide poisoning? Sometimes you do, but it is a very cozy way to go.
You guys are running away from home? Are you ten? How did you find us? With my eyeballs, you're across the street.
I can't live in your father's house anymore.
So you decided to build a fort? Should I even be here? Are girls allowed? This is a serious thing.
He insulted Al and his country.
LIZZIE: Look, what Dad said is not cool, but he is a very stubborn man, and if you don't apologize, we're gonna have another Uncle Charlie.
Uncle Charlie? Dad and his brother had a fight 15 years ago, and they haven't spoken since.
Oh, what was the fight about? How to pronounce "wheelbarrow.
" Isn't it "wheelbarrel"? That's how it started.
Just come in the house.
Send Dad out here to apologize and we'll come in.
And give him his remote.
[GASPS.]
Al, aren't you the reasonable one? Mr.
Art doesn't want me there.
He doesn't want any of us there.
No.
His respect for me has collapsed like a cup.
I wish I lived with girls.
So, you're sure you don't want to do a motel? What are you doing out here? Your brother's a piece of work.
Oh, drinking.
He sided with Al instead of his own father.
Maybe I did screw him up.
Al's wrong.
Is he? Ain't been wrong about nothing yet.
Kid's a damn genius.
Come on, nobody walks all over you.
You're a total hard-ass.
In high school, I hated you.
Eh, you're just saying what I want to hear.
Come on, you're a great dad.
No, I failed you.
I'm the reason you are how you are.
I like who I am.
No, you don't.
Look at that hair.
Am I talking to my daughter or a damn peacock? Okay, I chose these colors myself.
Stop rubbing it in.
This reminds me of those nights on watch where the choice was talk to you or die of boredom.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, remember that time we spent the whole night listing all the foods we'd eaten? Oh, yes.
Apples, apricots Okay.
We don't have to do it again.
Do you think your father will ever forgive me? Forgive you? He was a total ass.
- Ah, don't say that about him.
- It's true.
It doesn't matter.
So, seriously, you think just 'cause he's the oldest person in our house he can never be wrong? Well, even if he is, you don't bring it up.
That makes no sense to me.
When you were in the Marines, did you ever tell a general he was wrong? Once.
I politely noted we were driving in the wrong direction.
Hmm.
And what happened? Uh, he couldn't hear me.
I said it really quietly.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You never had a fight with your dad? No, I-I would never.
But I was also very young when he died.
That is why this is so hard.
Mr.
Art is the closest thing to a father I have.
Ugh.
You and me both.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
I feel awful for driving a wedge - between a son and his father.
- Oh, stop.
I never thought I would become a home-wrecker.
Mm, home-wrecker means something completely different.
Don't ask me how I know.
Bananas blueberries RILEY: Corn.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
- Dad.
Dad, wake up.
- What? What? - Lizzie got in a car crash.
- What? - She's in the hospital.
- Is she okay? I don't know.
Come on.
Uh, Mr.
Art, I hope you can forgi Not now.
I'll go back and find a nurse.
Okay.
Hello, anybody work here? [SIREN BLARING IN DISTANCE.]
- Mr.
Art, again, I wanted to say - Can we not? I have to.
This is all my fault.
If I had never opened my mouth, we would never have been in a fight.
You would not be drinking.
She would not have left.
This all started with me.
Started long before you showed up.
Oh, Mr.
Art, you could not be further away from a bad father.
I said what I said when I was on drugs.
Who cares? It's the truth.
When Lizzie wanted to move back home, I let her.
Maybe I should have made her go to school.
And everything with Riley [SCOFFS.]
I mean, I pushed him into the Marines since the day he was born.
He enlisted during a war, and all I could think of was, "Damn, that kid's brave.
" I had no idea.
The years I spent with Riley, I don't remember a single time he blamed you for anything.
And when he talked about you, he spoke with so much love and respect.
I also feel that way about you.
I know.
She's okay.
Just dislocated her shoulder and banged her head.
Oh, thank God.
You guys made up? All right, then, here's your remote.
Son of a bitch.
When you apologize to me, you get the batteries.
You never take a man's remote.
- You in pain? - Yeah.
I was talking to her.
Two aspirin for you, and two aspirin for you.
Thank you.
Hmm.
[GROANS.]
You know, the second you feel better, I'm-a yell at you for being so stupid.
Cool.
I mean, texting and driving? You said you were gonna wait.
Oh, I am.
Here you go, Dad.
Eat up.
Thanks, son.
Mom says it only works with your own teeth.