Velma (2023) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Previously on Velma
Fred, this is my living grandmother,
Dr. Edna Perdue.
What?
Oh, God. No.
My mother really was a killer.
Wait. What's going on?
What am I?
Velma, I have to tell you something.
I really like Amber.
Okay
But I like you more.
And that's it.
That's all I have to tell you.
So not only were all the victims aware
of Project SCOOBI,
they took a meeting
with a lawyer at the hospital.
Do you remember
what he looked like?
Yes. It was your dad.
What?
Spend enough time
solving mysteries,
and you learn that
everyone's hiding something.
I don't know nothing
about no murders.
Well, we tried.
Can't blame us for asking.
You also learn that
people hate hiding things.
Okay, fine. You got me.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Telling the truth always feels better,
which is great,
because in addition to saving lives
and helping people,
another reason
I love solving mysteries
is to hear people's messed up junk.
Stop. This messed up junk
is classified.
I'm shutting this interrogation down
on behalf of the US military.
But just like a man with a big,
expensive car,
you can't keep your messed up
junk hidden forever.
Secure the area.
No one gets in or out.
You have to tell Velma
what you know.
And stop making toilet wine.
You're under military
house arrest, not in jail.
Telling Velma
would only make things worse.
Also did you put my shiv
in the dishwasher?
Telling me what?
How you know about the murders?
How you're the link
between all the victims?
- Why the toilet is stained purple?
- I can't talk about the murders, Velma.
The army would disappear me forever.
Sophie wants me to tell you
that the night after the seance
Daddy and I saw
Daphne cheat on you.
What? Give me your shiv.
Oh, God. See, this is why
we don't do chores, Amanda.
So that's what
my dad said happened.
And now, I don't know what to do.
Do I break up with her?
Or do I hold it against her
and use it as an excuse
for every bad thing I do
for the rest of my life?
You came to the right place.
As popular girls, we're experts
in cheating and getting cheated on.
And this is really bad. I mean,
you didn't just get cheated on.
You got cheated on before tomorrow's
field trip to Sacramento.
It's a six-hour
bus ride to the city
equivalent of a six-hour
bus ride.
You know what that means.
Oh, no. Bus gossip.
Rumors expand to fill the boredom,
destroying innocent reputations
just for fun.
Mary Louis had to get
an emotional support dog
just because kids said she put her
mouth on the water fountain.
And it wasn't even her.
It was me.
Okay. But won't everyone
just be focused on the fact
Gigi's dad has my dad under house
arrest in connection to the murders?
Only if we fight about it.
And as always, my dad
promised me a new phone
if I swallowed my questions
about his work.
- So I'm good if you are.
- I am.
But how do I keep people
from seeing things aren't normal
between Daphne and me
and spreading mean rumors?
Maybe we just need to talk it out.
Womano a womano.
Talk it out?
This isn't Camp David, Velma!
And it's not just
your reputation on the line.
If Daphne doesn't pay,
she'll cheat on you again.
I know I would!
So the plan is you'll become
the best girlfriend ever.
Like, take her podcast
recommendations level girlfriend,
but also keep her at a distance
to make her want you like crazy.
Then when you have her
in the palm of your hand,
you confront her about cheating
in the middle of the State Capitol
building rotunda.
The only thing people will
gossip about after that
is where we should hold
Daphne's social funeral.
So the only way to keep from being
destroyed socially by rumors
is to destroy Daphne first?
Exactly. You're, like,
so good at being popular.
Okay,
if that's how it has to be.
Good morning, class.
It's field trip time.
As devoted mothers,
we'll be your chaperones.
And as victims
of education budget cuts,
we'll also be your tour guides.
So today, we'll see the Capitol,
learn Leland Stanford
was a monster
And then end the day
by forgetting all our troubles
at the amusement park.
Wait. Why aren't you cheering?
We're kids.
Amusement parks were made for us
and adults with bad personalities.
Do we tell him?
He might go "minorly-inconvenienced
teenager" on us.
Sweetie, look around.
You're not in middle school anymore.
The only roller coaster
these kids care about
is the emotional roller coaster
of hooking up.
What? That can't be true.
- Did you bring it?
- One blanket to cover us.
People will think we're napping,
but really, we're hooking up.
Brilliant. Just one thing.
Have you thought about
how we hook up?
I'm down for anything.
I just don't want to get a concussion.
Okay, well, tell me
if I'm moving too fast.
But I thought maybe
we could read to each other
from the classic,
erotically charged novel,
Portnoy's Complaint?
Oh, Norville!
Okay. I spent all night imagining
Daphne's make out sesh with Amber
to psych myself up to destroy her.
- Wait. No. I'm starting to cry.
- Velma, play it cool.
Bus gossip is a terrible beast,
and it feasts on tears.
We haven't even left yet
and we already have a crier.
- Oh, no.
- Hey, Velma. what's wrong?
Nothing, nothing.
I'm just overwhelmed
by this opportunity to hug you.
Damn it. False alarm.
Well, then, good thing
I brought a blanket.
But I actually
have to sit next to Gigi.
As long as we seem good
with her dad detaining my dad,
the kids won't be interested
in gossip.
And we are good. Thanks to my dad's
preference to bribe me
rather than just tell me
what the hell is going on.
- It's all good.
- Are you sure?
I always thought that when I was
on the California 33 North,
it would be with my girlfriend,
spreading mean rumors
to pass the time.
I know. But since
we can't sit together,
I made you this care package.
Face lotion and body lotion.
And hand lotion.
Is it all lotion?
Because that's my dream gift.
- Why are you acting weird, Velma?
- You're acting weird, Amber.
- Drama.
- I mean, see you on the bus.
Well, this care package
makes me feel even worse, Amber.
We have to tell her
what we did,
even if it threatens
your moral superiority.
What we did?
That was all you.
And I'll always be morally superior.
I'm the only one in school
not looking at Brenda's nudes.
- That's an MRI.
- I don't have time for this.
I have to talk to Fred.
Fred. Hey, I have something
that might interest you.
And not just the novelty of a pairing
we haven't seen before.
Sacramento is
a deeply haunted place.
Want to catch a ghost?
Nah. Now that I know that
my mom wasn't possessed,
I don't believe in ghosts.
Except for the ghost of my childhood.
Look who's trying
to claw their way
back up the social ladder
after the seance.
I don't know
what you're talking about,
But given the number
of ghosts in the Capitol,
by the end of this field trip,
you'll be begging me to do a seance.
Ghosts?
Norville,
you're not hooking up.
You're just reading about
the Jewish American experience.
Like me, you must be
saving your body
for the amusement park.
Please. I can't even go.
The park says I count as a beverage
in a glass container.
And why are you
even talking to us?
Aren't you mad that I forced you
to meet my grandmother
and accept
your mom's a serial killer?
No. Now that I have the truth,
I can finally move on.
Plus, we're about to be
in coaster heaven.
They call it that 'cause of all
the people who've died there.
Now, since you're not
doing anything,
what are your top 50
favorite rides?
What's the bus gossip?
Anything about me?
Billy's losing his virginity
on this trip.
Portnoy masturbated
with a liver.
I, like, heard Daphne
- What?
- Shh! I didn't get it.
I also heard Daphne
I keep missing it.
Help me.
Are you guys talking about
how sad Daphne is
that Velma is sitting with Gigi?
No one suspects
that Daphne cheated on me.
- Your plan is working great.
- What plan?
My plan to sound
totally unsuspicious.
Okay.
I got passed a note that someone wants
to see you at the back of the bus.
There's no one here.
So who wrote this?
It was me.
Dad? You escaped house arrest
and you're here?
I'd rather you be the serial killer
than a bus perv.
I'm not a bus perv
or the serial killer.
I'm trying to figure out
what's going on.
And Don will never suspect
I escaped house arrest
to go to Sacramento.
It's a lateral move.
Now pay attention.
This flash drive contains
top secret military info
I ripped off of Don's laptop
this morning
as he exercised like a chump.
It might explain why men connected
to Project SCOOBI are dying,
but we need to find
a computer at the Capitol
and print whatever info
was on this drive.
But someone will need
to use the bathroom.
Sure, they're under
their blankets now,
but some of these kids will want
to enter the eight-foot high club.
And I need you to make sure
that no one comes in here.
No. Please, Dad.
You don't know what you're asking.
The gossip will destroy me
before I can destroy Daphne.
Velma, I don't know what that means,
but lives are at stake.
Okay.
Nobody go in there
for the rest of the ride.
If you know what I mean.
Oh, man.
Velma destroyed the bathroom.
Everyone, gossip.
I also heard it was her mouth
that touched the water fountain,
and she liked it.
I meant you should put up
an out of order sign.
What have I done?
Hey, guys, wait for me.
No! We don't know you, Velma.
Velma, over here!
Dad, you can't be
out in the open.
Don't worry. I have a disguise.
As long as I hit this vape
every 30 seconds, we are good.
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever
Excuse me,
familiar seeming teenager.
Have you seen
Lola and Norville?
They're over there, son.
- I mean peer.
- Thanks.
And Velma, sorry,
but I can't be seen with you.
You're as unpopular as water
restrictions in the Central Valley.
I'm really learning
a lot on this trip.
I can't believe
Fred talked the whole bus ride.
Nobody should know
that much about churros.
Well, at least we can get back
on the bus and hook up now.
Spooky.
They're over here, Fred.
By the haunted statue of Jerry Brown.
Oh, wait. No,
that's just Jerry Brown.
Cap and trade!
Thanks, but I still don't want
to hunt ghosts with you.
And I have to tell
Lola and Norville
the hottest souvenir
roller coaster photo poses.
Let's just say finger guns
are back, baby.
Norville, wait up.
Haunted statue?
Your attempts to befriend Fred
are getting pathetic.
You were saying?
Stay back, sad Sacramento-an!
Hey, Daphne. Sup?
"Sup"? You committed
social suicide on the bus.
And I wanted to make sure
you're okay.
I'm fine.
Oh, who am I kidding?
If you cared about me,
you wouldn't have kissed Amber.
- What?
- Yeah, I know.
And worse, I had to find out
about it from my dad.
Not even weird looks
in the halls from strangers.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell you,
but I knew
how bad it would be.
That time I didn't text you
back for a day,
you threw my bike off a cliff.
So how could you do this?
If we'd been together ten years,
sure, married,
not buried, I get it.
- But it's been like three weeks.
- I know.
I was just so hurt after what you said
at the seance,
and I made
the biggest mistake of my life.
Can you forgive me?
No. Rot in hell.
Actually, wait. This is weird.
I don't think
I want you to rot in hell.
That can't be right.
Rot in hell!
Nope. What's going on?
Where's my anger?
I don't know. That's weird.
But sometimes,
getting things out in the open
can make you feel better.
I don't feel better, Daphne.
I just don't want you to rot in hell.
- And it was just a kiss, right?
- It was just a kiss.
You sure? Because I can ask
my dad right now.
He snuck aboard our bus
to give me top secret military info.
Velma, what's wrong with you?
You just implicated Daphne.
If we're caught,
she could go to jail.
It's fine. I'm not one of those
high-maintenance girlfriends
who gets mad at things like
being implicated in crimes.
See, this is why
I can't stay mad at you.
And then Leland Stanford
used the fortune he'd made
exploiting the Chinese
immigrants he hated
to build Stanford University.
- The end.
- Roller coaster time.
Shit. He still wants to go.
Fred, look.
We didn't want to tell you earlier,
but there's been budget cuts.
Great, teachers make
too much as it is.
This day just gets better.
No.
They cut the amusement park.
We're really sorry.
What? No, they can't do this.
My father paid for the governor's
campaign and his new chin.
I demand to speak to him.
See? Everyone agrees with me.
No. We demand
to speak with the governor
so we can thank him.
Now that we don't have to go
to the amusement park,
we have more time on the bus
to hook up.
Wait, what? No, no.
Listen to me.
You're all making
a huge mistake.
Look, I get the urge to hook up.
The whole point of being a teenager
is losing your innocence.
But trust me, once it's lost,
you'll miss it.
'Cause it's not just about learning
people can be fun to squeeze.
It's also about learning that
people, even mothers,
can be monsters.
And that's why
amusement parks are important.
They're the only place
you can be a kid
whose only fear is getting
decapitated on a ride.
We can't let the governor
take that from us.
Who's with me?
Okay, okay. Fred's right.
And they can't
keep cutting our budget.
Soon, school will just be
a lunch lady
handing out flash cards and guns.
Worse. If they cut
the amusement park,
they might cut
the chorus overnight.
- And that's the real hook up trip.
- Oh, God, no!
Not the chorus overnight!
Wow. Thank you, Norville.
Thank Lola.
I wanted to get busy on the bus,
but she nudged me to speak up.
No, I didn't. I was pushed.
Wait. But who pushed her?
There was no one around her.
Exactly.
Okay. It might take a second
for these documents to download.
These are state government
computers.
Well, in the meantime, tell us
what you know about the murders.
It's not much.
As you know, I handle a lot of shady
illegal work for the military.
Well, a couple of months ago,
Mr. S came to see me.
It turns out, he, the coroners
Father O'Rourke
and Sheriff Cogburn
all secretly worked
for Project SCOOBI.
Wait, really? Cogburn, Mr. S
and the other victims
had second jobs
working for Project SCOOBI?
The things you can do
when you don't have kids, right?
Tell me about it. But their lives
were far from perfect.
Mr. S also told me something
I'm still struggling to believe.
Apparently a fellow soldier
was creating an uncomfortable
work environment
at Project SCOOBI.
An uncomfortable work environment?
And let me guess,
you struggle to believe that
because most guys don't believe
that's an actual thing.
Bingo. Regardless, I agreed
to meet with Mr. S
and the others off-site.
But before I got any more details,
Don told me to drop it.
Hey, Don. What's up?
Drop it? You got it, buddy.
So I did. But then when guys
started turning up dead,
Don refused to talk to me.
Okay, but who is the soldier
who made them uncomfortable?
- He has to be the killer.
- I never got a name.
So last night, when Don
stepped away from his laptop,
I searched for Project SCOOBI.
One soldier was listed
by only their service number,
and it appeared
in these documents.
But these are just a reprimand
for missing Fourth of July festivities.
And requisition forms for some
electrical components
and white sneakers.
Hold on.
These are the same sneakers
my attacker in the cemetery wore.
So the killer
hates the Fourth of July,
likes electronics
and wears comfortable sneakers.
Jeez, are we looking
for a soldier or a grandpa?
Thanks, Daph.
I knew it was funny,
but not like
Vegas magician funny.
Hey, Daphne, could you grab this
from the printer for us?
She's still hiding something.
What? Sorry,
I was just thinking about
what a good girlfriend Daphne is.
Velma, as a former cheater,
I know cheaters,
and she's being way too nice.
- Our relationship isn't like that.
- Here's the document.
And I got you this cute stuffed cow
from some lobbyists.
All I had to do was agree
to be the spokesperson
for meat-based vegetables.
- No funnel cake.
- No peace.
Oh, God. A ghost.
No. The cops are locking us in
to break up our protests.
And we don't have any flowers to stick
in their gun barrels for photo ops.
- So, run!
- No! Come back.
The cops coming
means it's working.
Amber, I'm sorry
I doubted you.
Make the ghost go away,
and I'll forgive you
for hooking up with Daphne.
What? I didn't hook up
with Daphne.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
Stop doubting me.
That's Velma's thing.
And yes, I'm so mad at her,
I want to put a curse on her.
What? You put a curse on me?
And instead of telling me, you just
let me think you cheated on me?
Told you
she was hiding something.
And also,
we got to get out of here.
Those aren't cops.
Aman. We know you're here.
- Dad?
- Gigi?
That's it. You tell me what the hell
is going on right now,
or I will have everyone on the bus
gossiping about this,
and it will ruin you.
Gigi, I hear you.
So, I'm gonna offer you
two phones to not do that.
Totally. Deal.
- Same seats, same seats.
- Everybody sit down and hold on.
Okay. Tell me what the curse was.
I can take it.
As long as it wasn't a career
in marketing.
I put a curse on you so no one could
love you and you'd die alone.
I was wrong. I can't take it.
- Why?
- What do you care?
You don't even believe in curses.
I don't believe
in Santa Claus either.
But I'd still be mad if he and Amber
put a curse on me.
Stop arguing and hold on.
Oh, my God. We're gonna drown.
The river's empty.
Thank God for climate change.
What are you doing?
Forgetting about the horrors
of the adult world. Come on.
Aman, pull over.
- Never.
- I hear you, but you're over 40.
You're gonna need to get out and
stretch in the next hour anyway.
Velma, it's over.
Aman, I am only here
to help you.
So just come home
with me now
and we forget
this whole thing happened.
How can we trust you? You said
Project SCOOBI was dead.
For your own safety.
The same reason I put your dad
under house arrest.
You see, the truth is,
after Dr. Edna Perdue
was institutionalized,
Project SCOOBI switched focus
from putting soldiers' brains
in meddling kids
to merely keeping tabs on them.
Anywhere meddling kids
gathered,
we installed our people
to watch them.
Until one day, before your mom
was kidnapped,
one of our operatives
came across her
reading Dr Perdue's missing journals
and took pictures.
My mom? Which operative?
And did they get
any candids of me?
- Because those are great.
- But that's just it.
The operative hid their identity
and only went by the code name
Uncle Scoobi.
Regardless, the military used
Uncle Scoobi's photos
of Dr. Perdue's journal pages
to create an invincible
super soldier
to infiltrate
groups of meddling kids.
But it went bad.
Like, instantly.
Of course it did.
Playing God always goes bad,
just like how real God
created crocodiles and shit.
Well, this was worse than anything
we ever could have imagined.
The super soldier made the men
feel uncomfortable at work.
So this super soldier killed
the men he made uncomfortable.
Maybe now guys will realize
that where there's smoke,
there's always fire.
Maybe.
Thankfully,
the fact Aman's alive means
the super soldier
is not interested in you.
- Still, we should get you home.
- Okay, but real quick.
Are the three dead bodies
I saw on the base more victims?
No. Those are the bodies
of the hot girls.
Project SCOOBI tried
to restore them for the brains,
but sadly they are too far gone.
- The hot girls?
- Yes.
Dad! The phone store
closes at 6:00 PM.
And stop trying to find the killer.
He's dangerous.
You guys don't have
to sit with me.
I just needed some help
taking my mind off things.
- And this bus chase really did it.
- No, you were right, Fred.
As much as we want to grow up,
sometimes it's good
to find ways to stay a kid.
For instance, I thought I was too old
to make new friends,
but after everything today,
I think that's exactly what we did.
And it wouldn't have happened
without slamming doors and a push.
I see you, ghost.
Why did you call me a ghost?
And why is that dog
barking at me?
Oh, God. Am I the ghost?
Hey! Quiet that dog down!
Velma's resolving something
with Daphne. I want to eavesdrop.
As I was saying,
you were just so mean to me
after this seance,
I wanted the universe
to make it impossible to love you
so that I could stop loving you.
Wait, Daphne, that's
I know, the most horrible thing ever.
That's why I put myself in the jar.
I couldn't believe
I was the kind of person
who would do that
to someone I cared for.
I was going to say that's the most
romantic thing I've ever heard.
What?
Wanting me to die alone isn't great,
but loving me hurt you so much,
you did everything in your power
to stop, and you couldn't.
That's beyond romantic.
I feel like a girl in a '90s R&B song.
That's a very positive spin.
I know. So just promise
that from now on,
you'll tell me what you've done
before you put your brain in a jar.
If I wanted to date someone
who'd rather risk their life
than communicate,
I'd be straight.
I promise.
Get it away.
Wait. Hold on. That's it.
The killer loves sneakers,
hates the Fourth of July
and the attacks
were all low on the body.
But why electronics?
This is the same speaker
that's in a Baby Babble Box,
which Don's wife said
came from Project SCOOBI.
Daphne, what if the super soldier
isn't human?
What if the military built a
A what?
- A talking
- A talking what?
Velma!
Velma, where are you?
Help!
Velma!
As cops, we don't know
how your chaperones
could let Velma go missing.
As you chaperones,
we're doing our best, God damn it.
- Hey.
- I'm watching the news.
- Was it Victoria
- Who flipped the bus?
I don't know.
Stay close to Fred
until you do know.
Remember, you work for me now.
I know. Speaking of,
I still haven't been paid.
And it would be really