Warehouse 13 s02e08 Episode Script

Previously on Warehouse 13.
Claudia Donovan, you're the breach.
Knock, knock.
You're going with Myka as a backup.
My first official assignment as an agent? Shut up! As an apprentice.
I'm ready to begin my apprentice education.
You want juice or are you a milk person? You know what I'd really like? Oh, I do indeed, but falling off the wagon may not be the best option at this point.
No, no, what? We're just asking because we're worried about you.
I'm not drinking.
How do we not end up with our brains scrambled or blown up or whatever new way to die there could be? Well, I mean, look at the bright side, I'm usually within so whatever terrible thing happens to you will probably happen to me, too.
Comforting.
What is this guy, a jewel thief or a marathoner? If the artifact let the thief walk into a jewelry store and vanish, then why isn't he vanishing now? Well, maybe he can't activate it on the run? Or maybe it doesn't do what Artie thinks it does.
That's Kelly.
I told her I'd call to discuss the weekend and I totally forgot.
Whoa! Hello.
Ah! Careful! Just don't damage the one thing that Kelly's looking forward to.
Nah, Little Pete's made of steel.
You go right, I'll go left.
Leena, this one is ready to be shelved.
That tin of sardines? Yes.
It was part of the Shackleton expedition.
They were trapped on the ice, you know, for two years.
And they still had the good sense not to open that.
Had the sardines gone bad? Very bad.
Artie, I just found an anomaly.
Survey says that insurance V.
P.
S in Hartford are donating big bucks to charity and it doesn't compute.
It's not an anomaly.
It's a tax write-off.
Yeah, but these guys gave away I mean, the most they donated before was 1%, but that's a difference of 49 I can subtract one from 50.
That's why you're the boss.
Hartford.
Artie, Artie, that could be a Robin Hood artifact.
Yes, it could.
And the prize for finding a case is a spin around the Warehouse on Steve McQueen's motorbike? No.
But try a free trip to Hartford because Pete and Myka are on the trail of a vanishing jewel thief in Denver.
So, you and I will do this investigation.
You and I? Really? Yeah.
Well, I mean, I haven't had a lot of time in the field, and you're I'm what? Nothing.
That was the end of my sentence.
Pack because we're leaving right away.
Where are my sunglasses? This is why I pimped your specs.
Just tap the ends of the glasses together to complete the circuit.
Brava.
That is very well done.
Well, we're a team.
Claudia and Artie.
Clartie.
Artia? Pack.
Yeah.
Pete! I got the bag! You get him! Secret Service! What happened? Asian guy.
Went out that window! What is with this guy and windows? Hey, are you all right? Hey, Pete, this way! Got it covered.
Whoa! Oh! Ow.
Oh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Further than I thought.
We lost him.
Ah, what? But we got the artifact.
Well, let's take a look at it then.
Jeez, where's the drummer and fife? I just hurt my knee, okay? And my shoulder.
I'm probably going to have a huge bruise on my What is that? That is the world's smallest purple violin.
You know, one day you're going to make some lucky guy a very sarcastic wife.
Huh.
Half lion, half eagle.
A griffin.
I know.
Well, did you know that in Chinese mythology they were used to guard treasure? But somehow this one helps people steal treasure and then make a clean getaway.
Oh, hey, speaking of, now that the mission is accomplished, you can go to your high school reunion.
See some of your old friends.
You did have friends in high school, right? As a matter of fact Kurt Smoller, who is the captain of the football team, emailed me and invited me personally.
Wow.
You and a football captain, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
We hung out.
Okay, I tutored him in math.
Well, that's perfect.
Now you can go back and show big, fat Kurt Smoller that smart girls grow up pretty.
Fine! I will go.
Excellent.
Oh.
Well, let's bag old Kathy Griffin there, shall we? Ready? Yep.
Nothing to it.
And now, for two days, we get to pretend we're normal.
Leena? Leena? Pete! I have a good name.
Hey, Leena.
Hey, Pete.
Wow.
I didn't know the Warehouse had a canned food aisle.
Ooh, red herrings, huh? Oh, I bet that case was really hard to solve.
Did you hurt your leg? I did.
I twisted it nabbing the griffin, which I put on Artie's desk.
I didn't see him or Claudia.
They're in Hartford on a mission.
Pete, put that back! That's the original can of worms.
All right.
Well, 3:00 on a Friday, so I am calling it.
I will see you on Monday.
Take care of that leg.
And you should stay in bed all weekend.
My plan exactly.
Ah! Ow, ow.
I think that the donation is suspicious.
That's all.
I've done nothing wrong.
I gave money to fund free clinics across the country.
That's a good thing.
No, no, it's a good thing if you did it of your own free will.
But I get a feeling that your wife wasn't too thrilled with that decision.
What makes you think that? Okay, she was upset with my sudden generosity but that's because she didn't understand why I did it.
And why did you do it? I don't have to answer to you.
Or my wife.
Is there another woman? No.
There's only one woman for me.
Okay.
Claudia, I think that we could be dealing with a home wrecking artifact.
Two of the V.
P.
S have filed for divorce.
Oh, make that three.
V.
P.
Of Product Operations just called off his engagement.
You got that off the internet? Mmm, social networking, but old school.
Teri, the receptionist is chatty.
So, aside from these donations, what else do these Truehart executives have in common? Ooh, one thing.
I cross-checked their recent credit card charges, Hansen's Bar showed up on all three expense accounts.
Can you pull up the receipts? Observe.
Well, each of these guys met with the same person.
You know that how? Because look, on each receipt, apple mojito.
Are any of these Truehart executives not affected? John Donley.
Oh, wait.
Oh! Pickles, that was just him with Teri.
We should go warn him.
No, no, no.
We should track him, because he could be the mojito drinker.
See if you can hack into the garage cameras and then follow Hey, Teri, John say where he was headed? Hansen's Bar for a drink with a client.
You should try it.
They have the best happy hour clam bar.
Do you feel like clams? I feel a little clammy, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Let me just say T.
G.
I.
F.
Sorry about the knee.
Kind of limits my moves a little.
No complaints, unless you were faking it so I had to do most of the work.
Why Why don't women ever believe me? Let's not get into that.
Don't worry.
We won't go dancing tonight.
Good.
Because there's nothing I want that isn't right here in this bed.
Megan? Wait, let me guess.
I have no idea.
Myka Bering.
Myka.
Great.
Okay.
So tonight's cocktail party plus a room is 120, unless of course you plan to hook up with someone and don't need the room.
I'll take the room.
So, is Kurt Smoller here yet? Right over there.
Isn't it disgusting? He's in better shape and has more hair than he did in high school.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Give us a smile.
Just take the picture.
There's the apple mojito.
We're dealing with a femme fatale.
I thought you were interested in group insurance, Miss Andrews.
And if you're buying, I'm selling.
But if you're selling, I'm not buying.
You haven't heard the whole pitch.
I've heard enough.
I'm a happily married man.
And John's reaching for his briefcase.
Now he's walking out.
Okay, I'm going to follow him.
You stay here.
Flag on the play.
Now he's heading back to her.
You fascinate me.
Excuse me, could I get another vodka tonic, please? Vodka tonic? That's a grown up drink.
Kurt.
Myka Bering? The algebra girl? Yeah.
I'm glad you could make it.
Really? Well, you know, I mostly came because of that nice email that you sent me.
Oh, yeah.
Megan sent those out.
We're co-chairs.
Ah.
So, you two still a couple? No.
Not since senior prom.
I think once you see somebody vomit that much for that long, it changes everything.
Well, maybe we should catch up some time.
Yeah, well, do you want to join us for a drink? I mean, you remember the guys? Royboy and Gabers and Phil? Yeah, I I remember them.
Maybe later? Maybe later.
Okay, what the hell? Well, she must be using some kind of seduction artifact.
There's so many that it could be.
Valentino's cigarette, Helen of Troy's cuff bracelet, you know.
JFK had a He had a tie pin that drove women What the hell are you doing? I'm setting an alarm in case there's any activity in John's bank account.
Very good idea.
Whoa.
You've still got some kick in you, huh? What was that about? So, are you sure you don't want a bowl of cereal? Mmm-mmm.
Just another bowl of you.
Hey, I'll have another one.
Oh.
Hello, is this Pete? Whoa.
I'm not sure.
I mean, is this Myka? I don't know.
I look like Pete but I don't feel like Pete.
You feel like me.
Right? I mean, like Myka.
Pete, what the hell happened? Uh, jeez, I don't know.
I would say we switched bodies.
Pete? Am I you? Oh, yeah.
We definitely switched bodies.
Pete, get your hands off my breasts.
Myka, how did you know that? Because you're still you and I'm still me even though we're in different bodies.
Okay, we got to figure Ow! Myka, what is it? You really did hurt your knee.
Okay, this body whammy is definitely artifact related.
I mean, I saw a flash of the griffin.
Me too, Pete.
Okay, now we've got to get back to the Warehouse.
Here's your drink, miss.
Hold on.
Hey, pal, how many of those have I had? This will be four.
Holy crap.
Myka, listen, I drank three I drank three vodka tonics.
No, no, no, Pete, I drank three vodka tonics.
Okay, so you feel my knee pain and I feel your booze buzz.
Oh, my God, Pete, I am so sorry.
I would have had juice if I'd have known we were going to switch bodies.
This is going to be tough to explain at my next A.
A.
Meeting.
Promise me you won't drink any more.
Don't worry.
I remember this feeling and it doesn't end well.
And don't drive, okay? You're a bad enough driver already.
I'll come get you.
It's not that far.
Who's on the phone? Pete.
Hey, is that Kelly? Myka.
I mean, it's my partner, Myka.
It's a girl.
Myka, hi, yes, I will go to the office to pick up the file.
I'll be there in about three hours.
Okay? And in the meantime, don't do anything that I wouldn't do, and I mean that.
Hey, the same goes for you.
Kelly, I got to go.
Now? But we were going to spend the whole weekend together.
I know, but I'm You know, the IRS never sleeps so I'll be back as soon as I can.
May I remind you that you still owe me one.
Why don't we even out the score before you leave? Oh, gosh, no, no.
No.
I'm sorry.
I wish I could, sweetie pie.
Cake.
But I just wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Oh.
Okay.
Fine.
Go.
Sorry.
I'll call you from the road.
And it's not like I'm a guy saying I'll call you.
I mean it.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
I have got to put a shirt on.
Bye.
What have I said about the Rockies all season? It all comes down to Pitching.
Yeah, runs don't matter.
The Rocks can't win without the bullpen.
Exactly what I was going to say.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me get you a chair.
Hey, hey, hey, too slow.
Anyway, with De La Rosa and Jimenez, you have strength Strength on the mound, but depth? Man, I don't think so.
Clearly she knows more than you guys.
Ooh, anyone want hot wings? Hey, Sam, wing us.
Did it go through? It's done.
Well, lookie that.
He just marked a $3 million chunk of bonds to sell when the market opens.
She's sending him away.
Why would she do that? Because she got what she wanted.
I'm going in.
But first, precautions.
To neutralize that tainted cigarette smoke.
This should block any pheromone-related or perfume-borne substances.
And just to be safe, these are in-ear noise cancellers that will avoid any kind of siren-related artifacts.
That should be that.
Cover me.
Pardon me, miss.
I'm a federal agent.
And I know that you somehow forced executives from Truehart to donate to free clinics, and before you deny it, we just traced some activity on John Donley's bank account.
That's some pick up line.
Something has entered your life that's giving you power over men.
I know that, and I want to know what that thing is because you've been abusing that power, haven't you? I'm not the bad guy here.
In fact, once you get to know me, I'm actually quite nice.
Oh, your charms aren't going to work on me, lady.
Sorry.
You sure you don't see something you like? No.
I'm here on business.
It's time you start answering my questions.
It's done.
That's why you're the master.
Did you get the artifact? No, no, she's clean.
Let's go.
Hold on.
So, Artie, what's our next move? Who's our next suspect? I told you, the investigation is over.
Those men gave their fortunes away.
For a good cause.
You stay away from her.
What? She's mine! Artie! Back off, Donley! She loves me now! What? Artie! I am going to Tesla him until he is impotent! Artie, stop.
She's gotten to you.
Give Just stay out of this.
I'm taking you down! Guys Claudia, get out of my way! Hey, that's her car.
Lauren! Lauren! Wait for me! Lauren! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Call 911.
Oh, my God, she should be more careful.
She could get hurt.
Seriously though, you actually like the Three Stooges? Yeah.
Who's your favorite Joe? I would have to go with Besser over DeRita.
Although nobody could hold a candle to Curly.
"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
A wiseguy, eh?" "Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
" Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but until tonight, I had no idea you were so much fun.
Dude, until tonight, I wasn't that much fun.
Okay, there's something special happening here, right? You feel this? You don't know the half of it.
Dude, what the hell? I thought you wanted me to.
No! Jeez! Crap.
I'm a chick.
Pete! I got to go.
Okay.
Okay.
Pete, Pete, Pete! Just let me do it.
Jeez, I haven't had a drink in eight years.
The buzz lasts a little bit longer than I remember.
Oh, is that why you kissed my high school crush? Ow! I didn't kiss him.
He kissed me.
Wait, Kurt likes me? No, he likes me.
He thinks you are a giganto nerd.
Right.
We'll fix this.
Well, me first.
I got to take a leak.
Don't forget to sit down.
And don't touch anything.
Dark, reeling feeling.
Artie, I just found something huge.
What rhymes with adorable? Deplorable? No.
No.
More able More able to impassionate.
Stop writing poetry! No, I can't stop.
Hey, I need your brain.
I just found out Lauren's brother died six months ago of liver disease.
His request for a transplant was denied by his insurance.
You want to guess who the provider was? Truehart.
So it's a revenge thing.
And who can blame her? We can.
No.
Apparently, the money's not enough.
She wants their lives.
Well, you know, when I see her, I'll ask her to stop wanting their lives and she'll do it because she's sweet.
Holy gams, Batman, that's how she's doing it.
Rangel? Pangel? Artie, look at this.
You touched Lauren's leg.
John Donley touched it, too.
I think adorable is better.
Don't show me another man groping my Lauren.
Oh, that man's in the hospital with five broken ribs and you could be next.
Oh.
What can you tell me about Lauren's leg? That the only thing that stops it going on forever is the floor.
Silky smooth, and subtly soft.
Ooh, I like subtly soft.
That's it.
Silky smooth.
Oh, so maybe it's a body cream that she's using to turn men into stalkers.
Stalker? No.
Would a stalker go to her house in the middle of the night to read her poetry? Oh, Artie, you can't go over there without a shower.
You're all stinky from artifact hunting.
Oh, yes, it has been a long day.
Gamey, right? Shower, yeah.
But not a cold one.
I Well, Leena's looking into it, but what do we do in the meantime? Let's go over the griffin.
There could be something.
All right.
Just A metal flap.
That's it.
Is it? Yes, yes, it means it's a bookend and not a statue.
And bookends come in pairs.
And if there's another one, the thief probably has it.
He could be anywhere by now.
No, wait, Leena said that when she put the griffin down, it rotated.
It looks like it's pointing, like a compass.
Maybe it'll lead us to its mate in some dualistic attraction.
Come on, let's hit the road.
Oh, and could you change out of my dress? I just bought that today.
Jeez.
That's Kelly.
Oh, shoot.
I said I'd call her.
Uh-huh.
So it's not just a guy thing.
Hi, Kelly.
It's me, Pete.
Hey, you know, I know that I said that I'd call you, but I forgot and so I want to make it up to you with this promise No! What? No promises! No, Myka! Myka! No promises! Uh, yes, let me Let me get someplace private.
Fresh as a daisy, and a little less formal and slightly slimming.
And all you need is your hat.
Ooh, what a good idea.
All right What are you doing? No.
Claudia! Knock, knock.
Just like old times.
Claudia! It's for your own protection, Artie.
I'm going to Lauren's to do what Warehouse agents do, get the artifact.
If you hurt Lauren, I will hunt you down.
Mmm-hmm.
Pwned.
God, how can you stand this hair? I just want to cut it off.
You do that and I will shave your entire body.
Use the hair tie.
It's on my right arm.
So, I just thought it was an ugly bracelet.
So, what do I do? Turn.
So what did you promise Kelly? Well, you will find out.
Oh, my God, your hands are so clumsy.
Ow! There.
Look at that.
What is it doing? Hey! You have the other griffin.
You were right.
There are two of them.
Security guard, you and the thief were working together.
Wrong again.
We are together.
And we've been looking all over town for you.
I really don't like where this is going.
I need the other griffin now! No! First you show up There's no time! Myka, grab the griffin! Whoa.
I'm me again.
Myka, where are you? I'm back to myself.
This just got easier.
Wrong.
He's the nice one.
So am I.
Now we're sharing one body, too.
Pete? Pete, we have got to fix this.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, hi.
I work with Artie.
Get out of here.
No can do.
Two men are in the hospital and you're still on the loose.
That wasn't my fault.
I saw you hit John Donley with your car.
That wasn't me driving.
Then who was it? Me.
I told you to get out of here.
Sharing the same body now.
Great.
Should make Myka do this.
Really? Just when I could used the upper body strength.
Okay.
Hey, you're still up.
Kurt.
This is a really bad time for a booty call.
What makes you think it's a booty call? Well, what else would it be? Busted.
Can I come in? No.
No, you can't.
And just believe me when I say it's not you, it's me.
Myka, I promise I just want to talk.
The lady said good night.
Wait, Myka didn't tell me she was involved.
You went for it, man.
That's cool.
Now get lost.
Look, man, you really don't have to do this.
I'm not after you.
I'm not taking any chances until Lauren and I are on that plane.
What plane? The one that's taking us far away, my love.
I don't want to go anywhere with you, Howard.
You do.
You're just distracted by all these people.
Is that why you handcuffed me? I won't allow any of these other men to steal you away.
I'm going to go pack your bags and then we'll get out of here.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea these guys would turn violent.
Yeah, well, just let me think about this for a minute.
If Artie is a federal agent, won't he come after you? He would, except I kind of handcuffed him in his hotel room.
Fastest working karma ever.
Karma.
Yeah, that's how this whole thing got started.
I wanted that insurance company to pay back to others what they took from me.
I never wanted anyone hurt.
So how are you doing it? It's something to do with your legs, right? Stockings.
I don't know why or how they work, but when men touch them, they'll do anything I ask.
Which is cool.
You know, until they become obsessed stalkers and you can't control them.
Where are the stockings now? On a rod in the bathroom.
Oh, right.
Like I don't know how to improvise an electromagnet.
I was doing this when MacGyver was still trapped in his crib.
Yeah, come to papa.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes.
Come, baby, come, come, come.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
And this is only one of 23 ways that I could have escaped.
Oh, I don't feel so good.
We can help.
Just tell us what to The griffins.
I got them.
They're right here.
Quick.
This is bad.
Just tell us what to do.
You Just Oh! Oh.
I sure wish he'd Finished that sentence.
All set.
By this time tomorrow, we'll be relaxing in a villa near Lisboa.
And as for you Lauren, come on.
Say something.
Howard, don't hurt her.
I have no choice.
She would get between us and I can't allow anything to come between us.
You? You.
Lauren, are you all right? Yes, but what did you do to him? Temporary blindness.
This is a shard from the lens of the Pharos Lighthouse, Alexandria, and there's a Phoenix.
Oh, so many things that I could show you.
Artie, thank God.
He was about to shoot me.
Claudia, the prism was meant for you.
She thought that she could outsmart me but I've got moves she's never even dreamt of.
We're out of here.
No.
No.
First, unlock Claudia.
Unlock the girl that tried to come between us? Never.
Let's go.
Leena, you're our last hope.
We just learned the hard way that two things can't occupy the same space.
Okay.
I looked into split personalities which led me to Robert Louis Stevenson who wrote Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde.
Going through his notes, I found a picture of him in his study Can we move this along? I'm starting to get a really Bad vibe.
So that's what vibes feel like.
Huh.
On the shelf behind him there's two bookends.
Griffins? No.
One is an eagle and the other is a lion.
It seemed like such a coincidence Maybe the bookends on the mantel are in an inactive state.
What if the heads can be switched and the duality Can be reversed.
We need to make the eagle and the lion whole again.
I'll call you back.
Okay.
It worked.
All right, come on, birdie.
You'll have to kill me.
Nothing but a bullet will stop me from trying to be with Lauren.
Artie, don't.
Lauren, go get the stockings.
Now! I know exactly how you feel, Howard.
Then you know I'll follow her to the ends of the earth.
As would I.
Get on your knees, I'll make it quick.
Artie, stop this! You're not a cold-blooded killer! Lauren! Little birdie.
Got it.
Well, yeah, that's because I loosened it for you.
Put the eagle head on the eagle.
Okay.
Just get it over with.
What do I do with them? Put a run in them.
Use your nails, anything.
And the lion head on the Oh, my God.
Howard, are you okay? I'm not sure.
My eyes hurt.
Ow.
Oh, my God, I've got to get home to my wife.
That was too close.
In so many ways.
So, I guess we can't even pretend to be normal, huh? Normal.
Not really in our wheelhouse.
Good job.
Hey, look, I found the artifact.
Where did you get those? My great grandfather's estate.
More details.
You turned several of us into blabbering fools, I'd like to know how.
Who was your great grandfather? He was a diplomat during World War I.
They were in a box with a card.
"Souviens-toi de moi, mon amour" "Souviens-toi" "Remember me, my love.
" World War I? Yeah.
The card, was it signed Margaretha? Yes.
How did you know that? Margaretha Zelle, otherwise known as Mata Hari.
The spy? And a world-class seductress.
There's no way to tell whether they worked on her or she worked on them.
Either way, they worked.
I need to call the hospital, find out if John Donley's okay.
I hope he doesn't have his company's insurance.
And Clartie saves the day.
Kiddo, I want to thank you for focusing on your job and trying to protect me.
Well, I learned from the master.
You know the keys are over there.
From here I can count eight ways that you can escape.
Okay, look, I'm really sorry Oh, a spatula, make that nine.
Claudia.
"Knock, knock.
" Open.
Then the thief walks into the jewelry store, right? Asks the clerk to see something pricey.
The clerk turns around, poof, he turns into the other one.
I got to say it's a pretty cool plan.
Yeah, until they exploded, it was perfect.
Now the griffins are back in their dormant state.
Yes.
The eagle and the lion.
And the Myka and Pete.
What? Hey, I I'll be right back.
What? Hey.
Hey, where's your boyfriend? Oh, I don't have one.
All right, obviously you're seeing someone.
You know what, Kurt, nothing, nothing is really obvious about me.
And I just I wanted to tell you that I'm not who I seemed to be before.
Okay, well, whoever that was, she was a lot of fun.
Well, I really enjoyed talking to you, too.
Do you want to have Do you want to keep in touch? Definitely.
Would it be okay if I kissed you goodbye? So okay.
You know what? I just really have to ask you, which kiss was better, this one or the one before? Ah, honestly? Yeah.
This one.
The one before, you burped in the middle of it.
Bye, Kurt.
I'll email you.
Ta-da! Rose petals? And candles.
And balloons.
And chocolates.
As promised.
Who needs candy? I want you.
So, everything's okay between us? Are you kidding? What you said on the phone is the sweetest thing a guy has ever said to me.
I bet you don't even remember the exact words.
Oh, I remember.
No man has ever understood me like that.
I'm so glad that That you're you.
Me, too.
But, but, but, you know what would be really fun? Oh! Yeah.
Why don't you say back to me what I said on the phone and then I'll grade you for accuracy? Or not.