Web Therapy (2011) s02e08 Episode Script

- Previously on Web Therapy - Oh, my God.
Like, not having a job sucks ass.
Oh.
It's Yukon Canneries in Nome.
So I thought that would be a good one.
You want me to be a gnome? Is that like a smurf? And also you should know that I did get accredited.
Thank you.
No, it wasn't too-- Well, it was difficult, yes.
So anyway I'm swamped now with clients.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Fiona Wallice, and you are Newell L.
Miller.
Hello.
An "L"? What does the "L" stand for? - Lloyd? - Look at you.
Yes.
Oh, have you not done Skype before? You look-- You look amazing.
Oh.
Thank you.
I remember you.
- Oh.
- I remember you.
Oh, IDon't remember you.
You don't remem--You don't--Nothing, huh? No, I don--was it a political fundraiser or? - I remember that mouth.
- Oh That's--That's funny, I don't recall you as a friend or anything.
I don't-- No? Miller doesn't ring a bell? Uh-oh, if you're famous, then I'm sorry.
- I don't know actors.
- Miller? Nothing? - Neville Miller? - No, it says "Newell Miller".
Yeah, I know what it says! Neville Miller, ring a bell? Well, you're already angry.
We haven't even had our first session.
That's new.
What? UmI, uh, I can't do this right now.
You didn't turn off your computer.
You di--Oh.
Fucking-- Well, uh, no, clearly, I'm not.
I use that name on the Internet, but, as you can see, I'm conan O'Brien, so Oh.
No, I couldn't see.
And Conan O'Brien is your real name.
Like Conan the Barbarian.
- No, I'm--I'm actually-- - That's an interesting name.
I'm actually the Conan O'Brien, so we can, uh-- And "the" would mean The talk show host.
The comedian.
I'm Conan O'Brien.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your with your show.
What--I don't know-- When is your show on? It's on TBS.
It's on 11:00.
Oh, right, so I wouldn't have seen it.
- I don't need sleep aids, so - Okay, well-- - I don't watch those shows.
- Yeah.
Well, anyway, I've been doing this for a long time.
- Oh, good for you.
- About 18 years.
- Oh.
Okay.
- And, uh, you know, I've been-- Well that explains a lot, 'cause 18 years, and so it's a midlife thing.
You've been at it for 18 years and still waiting.
Okay, I understand.
Waiting for--I-I don't For the big hit, you know? For it all to come together in a way that you would-- No, I-I'm pretty-- I feel pretty secure that I've had some success in the business and, uh-- - Yes? - Yeah, yeah.
And I'm known.
When I go to a restaurant, they seat me pretty quickly.
- Oh.
- Uh, that's a sign.
- "Right this way".
- Oh, wait.
Can you just pause for one second? I can't pay attention 'cause I'm googling you.
I think it's nice to know who-- Who I'm dealing with.
Oh, okay, yes.
That's-- Oh, Team something, Team Your name, and then it's Team Coco? - That's-- - So is that Coco Chanel? - Are you - No, no.
Is it a fashion late night talk show? No, no, no, Coco is a nickname that Tom Hanks gave me and-- Oh, he's very famous.
Congratulations.
Anyway, I've been doing this a long time, and I- I heard about your service, and I was intrigued, because it's anonymous, and, you know, you can imagine if someone like me went into Beverly Hills and be seen walking into a therapist's office - Right.
- Because people would, - you know, they'd recognize me.
- Would they? Yeah, there'd be a lot of people.
- Really? - And it would probably be in the tabloids, you know, "Conan O'Brien goes to therapist.
" - Oh, really? - Or Cona-- Don't recall ever seeing you in the tabloids.
Twice.
Twice I've been in the tabloids.
- Twice? - And it's been--Yeah.
- Okay.
- Locked myself out of my car, - and they were there.
- Oh.
- Anyway-- - That's embarrassing.
I'd like to get some stuff resolved in privacy - Yeah.
- And this seemed - like a good idea.
- Okay.
No one sees me come, no one sees me go.
And I'm here in a very comfortable space.
This is my--This is my man cave.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's a basement? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a place that my wife lets me have this corner just for me.
And, uh--Until her in-laws come.
- But this is mostly my space.
- Uh-huh.
And so I can just be me, and I don't have to be that Conan that everyone knows.
It's funny that you refer to your parents as her in-laws.
That's the first thing I picked up on that I think is very telling.
Yeah, my parents come a lot, - and I call them her in-laws - Right.
'Cause I get angry when I talk about my parents.
- That helps me.
- That's very interesting.
I have a lot of, uh, anger about different things, and I have trouble-- I have trouble expressing it in a healthy way.
That's true because you did-- You said it made you angry, and I didn't see any sign of it.
Yeah, the way I grew up as an Irish catholic, - you couldn't express your anger.
- Right.
And I had a therapist once who said, "own your anger".
The only good thing about owning anything is that you're able to sell it later.
So I don't agree with that term.
I don't know what that meant.
So you don't own your anger.
Do you lease your anger? Maybe you can do a lease-to-own--I'm sorry.
I just find it funny that-- No, it's--it's very funny, and I'm--I'm-- Obviously I know funny, and that's funny.
Oh, you do? Okay.
So it's a comedy show? Yes, yeah, I'm actually-- I'm the host-- I'm the host of the show.
- I'm-- - Oh, you're on camera? - Yes.
- Oh, good for you.
- Well that's wonderful.
- Yeah, I'm on camera.
Why would you think I wasn't on camera? I didn't know.
You just said you had your own show and that there was a, you know, a Team Coco, so I thought it was a brand.
Maybe you were--Maybe it was a cartoon show and you were a cartoon character or some-- I didn't--I mean, I'm sorry I don't know who you are.
- I don't - No, it's just interesting to me that you look at me and you don't-- I don't look like someone who would be on camera.
No, you don't at all.
Thank you for being understanding then.
You have a good ego about this, you know? Do you think I-I don't-- I'm not good-looking enough to be on camera? - Is that--I mean, I'm-- - I didn't say that, but if that's what you want to hear.
- No.
- Then that's another issue - we could deal with.
- I don't wanna hear that.
Would you like to deal with the low--You know, your self image or do you want to deal with the anger? Okay, I'm--Now I'm confused.
I guess I'd like to talk about the anger.
- Okay.
- And we'll shelve the part where you're shocked that I could be on camera.
We'll put that in a box and put it to the side.
Well, it's something to think about, but like you said, let's shelve that, and then let's pick up the anger issue - Okay.
- And see how we can have you - "own it" more.
- All right.
- Well, I-- - So you don't-- It's not anger management.
- No.
- It's the opposite of that.
It's expressing anger that you need.
I have to always be the nice guy, always be the funny guy, always be the guy that always makes them laugh.
How tiresome.
Not just for you, but for the people around you.
You must have a wonderful wife.
That's lucky.
Something to be grateful for.
Yeah.
Well, I am grateful.
I'm grateful for a lot of things, but I feel sometimes that I'm getting angry, but I don't know how to say in an adult way, "I'm unhappy with you right now.
" 'Cause that's exactly the right way to do it.
An adult gets angry but doesn't demean the person that they're speaking with, doesn't belittle them or humiliate them.
- They simply let them-- - Dr.
Wallice.
I'm in a session, you colossal idiot.
How dare you just storm in like that! I am so sorry, Dr.
Wallice.
It's an emergency and-- You're Conan O'Brien.
- Oh, he knows who you are.
- That's Conan O'Brien.
Okay, my impression was this would be private.
- I would rather people not-- - No, this is private.
- This is my assistant.
- My wife absolutely-- Hold on a second.
Oh, I don't know that this is okay.
No, can you not do that, please? Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
Who is--Who is that? This is my assistant Jerome.
And he's never burst in before.
- I don't know how he knew-- - I apologize.
- Hi, Jerome.
- Hi.
What's going on, Jerome? This is-- I love the Conan blimp.
That was such a gr-- No, but there's an emergency in the driveway.
Your neighbor was just screaming at me, holding a chainsaw.
- Yeah, he wants to cut down - The tree.
- Exactly, 'cause it's-- - Well, you know, you go back out there, and you tell him that he cannot - cut the tree down.
- Cannot.
Because it's a 300-year-old tree.
All right, I'm sorry that it has sap.
It's a tree after all, all right? So call the police, and while you're calling-- I'm busy, Jerome, I can't-- While you're calling, just hug the tree, all right? So that he can't chainsaw it.
He's not gonna chainsaw you.
- Okay, I'll hug my-- - But go.
Get out.
Pleasure to--Okay.
- Don't tell-- - He won't tell anyone.
He won't--'Cause I was under the impression-- The whole point is that this is confidential.
He just works for me.
No one's going to-- I haven't recorded this, so no one's going to see it.
Do you record these sometimes? Sometimes I do, yes, but then I would send you a release, and you would say okay.
Well, in my case, I'd say no, but, uh-- Then I won't send you a release.
I can't believe your neighbor wants to cut down your tree.
- That's-- - It's my tree.
It's on my property, and it's a lovely tree, you know? - What a jerk.
- He is a jerk.
'Cause you have a tree, he's--Yeah.
Yeah.
That'sTypical, just typical.
I hate that.
See, I could see that you were angry just now.
I was angry, and I expressed it, I think.
I think I expressed it-- I just said, "I'm angry.
" - I didn't go into this place.
- Right.
I just said I'm mad at that guy.
And do you see also how I was irritated with Jerome and I let him know that I was irritated, and then he was overstaying his welcome, and I sent him out with a very firm "get out.
" Yes.
You were-- You were quite Borderline cruel.
You just really cracked the whip.
I mean, you castrated him.
It was amazing.
Well, I don't know that I castrated him.
But, um, you know, I think, when someone's out of line to the degree that he was out of line, he needs to be made to understand that it's unacceptable behavior.
You called him a colossal idiot.
- I did? - Yeah.
I don't think I did.
Uh, I don't hear that a lot.
I mean, I thought it was great.
You ripped his balls off, and, you know, it was amazing.
They're pretty firmly attached, so-- Well, apparently they do come off, and you--You ripped 'em off, and you tied a bow around them and put 'em on a silver tray and handed them back.
And that was-- That was amazing.
I handed them back, I guess, is the important part.
So is this guy with the tree, I mean, what happens with this guy? Well, I'm gonna call the police, and so I'm gonna file a report.
Police aren't gonna do anything, you know? I call the police on my neighbor all the time.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
I live next to Erik Estrada, - remember, from Chips? - Oh, yes.
Oh.
Yeah, he is always power hosing stuff in his backyard, and the water gets everywhere.
And it washes up onto our windows and I've talked to him about it, and he's impossible.
So I relate, you know.
Oh, you know what, I'm sorry.
On my Google I just saw it.
'Cause I had a moment while you were talking.
And it says that your show actually does very well.
We do well with, you know, young people.
Younger generation likes it, so That's wonderful.
You know, it seems-- I have this new treatment modality, so I'd really like to help more people if you could help me get the message out.
So if you would have me on, I'm sure I'd be a very interesting guest.
Yeah, we don't do-- Mostly celebrities.
Mostly well-known actors, and if we had Someone like you on, it would have to be a Dr.
Phil maybe or a Judge Judy.
I am like Dr.
Phil.
Well, but that's-- He's such a known name.
Well, and I will be too once you have me on.
It's just so that I could help more people, you know.
Look at the results you've gotten so far, and this was only our first session.
Well, I think there's a way I could help you that might be a little more immediate.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Well I'm exci--Oh, yeah.
Well, you do--it seems that you also-- You're on Twitter, and you have a big Internet presence.
So sure, 'cause I'm on the Internet.
That might be even more helpful.
Thank you very much.
I think therapy's a two-way street.
No, you know, you're helping me, and I'm gonna help you.
Wonderful.
All right, then I will see you next time.
Okay, I'm wide open.
- I really don't work very hard.
- Why don't I give you-- I could give you some homework if you like.
Why don't you make a list of the people who you are having problems with that make you angry, okay? And then we can discuss ways to deal with them.
- I could do that, that's great.
- Okay, good.
Then you have an assignment.
- Assignment received.
- Okay.
Is that what I say? I don't No, we can just say--I'll say good-bye, Co-nan, and then we can-- Conan.
Just plain Conan.
Okay, good-bye, blank Co-nan.
No, no, no, you said "Co-nan.
" That's what Regis says.
"Co-nan.
" - Right.
- I'm just Conan.
Conan? - Yeah.
- All right.
Good-bye, Conan.
Hey, Fiona.
I hope you get this.
Ow.
It's cold.
I'm freezing my balls off.
Hey! What's up? - Lee, what's up? - You coming? Yeah, I'll see you at jailbait.
We'll have some Irish car bombs.
I'll save you a seat on my face.
Whoo-whoo! I love your hair.
Thanks for the job hookup.
It's awesome.
I smell fish.
Do you smell it? Bye! Okay, so Team Coco.
Oh, it doesn't say where they shoot the show.
I wonder what hotels are in Los Angeles.
There a Four Seasons? There is.
Oh.
Oh, Newell Miller is back.
Don't remember an appointment.
All right.
Hello, Newell.
It's good to see you.
Hello.
Oh.
Jerome.
Yeah, Dr.
Wallice.
The image on my computer screen is frozen again.
Oh, again? - That has to get fixed.
- Right, of course.
It's that very off-putting Newell Miller too.
I don't want that face on forever on my screen.
I--You can't hear me, right? No, it's frozen.
He can't--All right.
What? Oh, God.
Hello? No.
Okay.
Why won't this click? Fatherfucker, fatherfucker! What? What does that mean? Oh, he's truly crazy, that's not a saying.
Hello, Conan.
Hi.
Did I say it right this time? Con-n-nan? - Just Conan - Conan.
It's not--Yeah, it's not Dutch.
Uh, Conan.
That was funny.
Okay, uh, well, I'm glad you liked it.
- That was very funny.
- Well, that's what I do.
- Um, I did my homework.
- Good, all right.
I was going to ask.
And? And there is someone who I've been angry with, and I haven't been expressing it, and it's my sidekick, Andy.
Oh, he's wonderful.
I was watching on the Internet.
I think on, um, you know, yourtube? On YouTube, YouTube.
And, um, he's wonderfully funny.
Oh, and the two of you together, you set him up beautifully.
- You really do.
- Well, that's-- Sort of the issue is, I don't feel like I'm supposed to set him up.
I feel like he's supposed to set me up.
And it's something that I have not-- I've been holding onto - and I have not expressed to him.
- Oh.
And more and more, Andy's getting his own laughs.
He's wonderful.
Well, a sidekick traditionally supports the host.
You know, Ed McMahon supported Johnny.
Johnny told the joke, and Ed McMahon laughed.
- Right.
- A-Andy doesn't laugh at my jokes that often, and he'll make jokes of his own.
Which are very funny, so it's wonderful.
It's such an appealing part of the show.
You know, I guess you're sort of like the vegetables.
You know, the nutritious part of the meal, and then he's the dessert.
It's just fun.
He's the dessert? - Well, I'm-- - And you're the vegetables.
You're where all the nutrients are.
The roughage.
Roughage is important for a healthy system.
Colon.
- I guess-- - Colon.
Sounds like your name.
- It's Conan.
- No, I know, I know.
- I know it's Conan.
- You were doing your joke.
I guess my point is the show is called Conan.
It's my show, and it would be nice if he supported me a little bit.
I tell very funny jokes, and sometimes he doesn't laugh.
- Oh, do you? - The other night, I'm on the show and I said, "Kirstie Alley was on Dancing With The Stars, "and she fell.
There were no survivors.
" That is a very funny joke, and-- Well, I got--He did the same thing you're doing.
He just stared.
- Oh, he did? - Yeah.
Well, I'm a member of the audience.
It's my right not to laugh if I don't want to.
But it seems to me, I'm going--Look, I don't want to-- I don't want to seem to be unsupportive.
- You're the boss, I've seen that.
- Yeah.
So if you are going to tell a joke, then he needs to laugh.
Whether it's funny or not, that's his role.
Well, yeah, but you have to admit that was a funny joke.
There were no survivors.
I mean, she's a little heavy, and so it's just funny that she would fall and that many people would be killed.
There's just an inherent-- I think I'm just not that mean-spirited.
My point is it's his job to laugh it up and sometimes he makes his own jokes.
The other night, we had a very attractive actress - on the show, Olivia Wilde.
- Don't kno w who that is.
Big star, and she came on the show, and our set is smaller than it appears on television.
- Okay.
- And she walked out, and she said, "this is smaller than it appears.
" And I was just about to say, "that's what my wife said on our honeymoon.
" And just as I was about to say that, Andy said, "yeah, that's what his wife said on their honeymoon.
" Oh.
That's very funny.
But you didn't laugh when I said it.
Well, I just picture Andy saying it, you know, "that's what his wife" So I don't know.
I don't know why.
It got a huge laugh.
And the crowd started chanting, "Andy, Andy, Andy," and Olivia Wilde laughed really hard.
I mean, it was--it was a 40-second laugh, easily.
I mean, I almost had it, I almost said it and he just beat me to the punch.
No, you do.
You look very uncomfortable.
What do you mean, are you looking at it right now? Well, I pulled it up.
I guessed on how to spell Olivia Wilde.
But I don't look that uncomfortable, do I? You look uncomfortable.
Okay, I thought I just felt uncomfortable.
Okay, well, then forget my word, let's stick with your word.
'Cause your word's how you felt.
And that's what's important.
I just know that I felt that way.
- Right.
- But, of course, our feelin are just feelings.
I had a therapist once who said, "feelings are just feelings" - and they're not real.
- Right.
You don't really look like an idiot.
You feel like an idiot.
Okay, feelings are feelings.
That's genius.
Of cour--What else would they be? They're just-- Feelings are colors.
- All right, that's my joke.
- Okay.
Anyway, um, you know, the issue is that, um, you're not being fully appreciated for what you are, which is the glue that holds it together, not the icing on the cake.
Well, I'd like to be the icing.
I mean I'd like to-- I don't wanna be glue.
I mean-- Glue holds it together.
If he's making me look like vegetable and glue and sawdust and all these things that we need to have in our lives, then I would rather - he not do that.
- Right, okay.
Now I'm getting angry about it, and I would like to communicate that in some way.
Well you're communicating it beautifully right now.
If you can just communicate it to him.
- Well, speaking about anger - Yes? I'm curious, how did it work out with your neighbor.
That was a big part of our last session.
- Oh, thank you for asking.
- Well You're very generous of spirit, I have to say.
For someone who's in the entertainment field and struggling to get to the top, I'm surprised you're not completely self-consumed.
That's really admirable.
But thank you for asking.
My neighbor, I don't know what happened.
But there was some vandalism.
A small fire was set.
And I've--He was very upset.
He left, and now the house is for sale.
It's on the market, so he's gone.
And I have no more issue with him.
Well, you're welcome.
What do you-- I don't understand.
You're welcome.
I took care of it.
You took care of it? Yes, I did.
My band, Jimmy Vivino and the band - Yes.
- They were playing in Philadelphia.
They had a gig.
And they're rough customers, my band.
- I asked them to take-- - I've seen them.
Yeah, they have-- Some of them have done time, and three of them aren't even musicians.
We'll get into that later.
And I asked them to take care of your neighbor.
And I gave them the address, and they took care of it.
- Oh.
- So, thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
There you go.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
So yeah.
- Wow.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, he doesn't seem to be harmed, - my neighbor, so that's-- - Well, they roughed him up a little bit, they just shoved him around and-- He was scared, I know that.
I know they needed Hazmat to come in to clean up.
- Yeah.
Yeah-- - From where he was standing He was very frightened.
My band can be very, very scary.
- Four of them are Italian.
- Right.
They took care of it, so your problems are over.
- Your tree is safe.
- How sad.
It's a wonderful story that I won't be able to repeat.
No, no one's ever going to know.
- No.
Thank-- - No.
Well, then, thank you.
And now that I've taken care of your problem and no one - connects you to me - Right.
- You take care of my problem.
- Oh.
Well, I--My fees-- - I did you a favor.
- Yes, no, I understand.
But I think it-- My fees are my fees.
- Well - So I can't really reduce them.
I think you have the means to pay them.
I do appreciate the gesture, but I didn't ask you to do it.
I wasn't talking about that.
What I'd like you to do, and I've been thinking about it, and I think this is perfect, if you could call Andy-- 'Cause this is the beauty-- No one can trace you to me.
You call Andy and say you're from some group that's conducting a study for Turner Broadcasting and the numbers are coming in and it's revealing that Andy's talking way too much.
All right? And just really put the fear of God into him.
You know, "you gotta shut your yap.
"You gotta laugh more at Conan, or you could be on the pile of rejected sidekicks.
" You know, and make it sound official and let him know.
Let him know that he's been playing with fire and that the numbers reflect that, and, man, I think that'd be pretty sweet.
I'll get you his number, and you make the call.
Funny that you think this is funny.
That you think this would be a funny idea.
Well, it's something I've-- It's given you such joy.
I haven't seen such a broad smile on your face until you were talking about this.
Just the thought of that-- I mean, that son of a bitch getting that phone call and just hearing, "you shut your trap.
" - "You better just--" - But why would he believe it when he's so beloved? I mean, he's clearly the draw.
- Okay-- - Do you think he'd believe it? - I-- - I don't.
You'd make him believe it.
That's your job, is make him believe it.
Well, actually my job is a therapist.
My job is to help you deal with anger and address your anger with the people to whom it's focused.
Your job at this point is to do me a favor, 'cause I did you a favor.
We had a deal.
I never agreed to that arrangement.
What is this, an Alfred Hitchcock movie? No.
You made it clear.
You said, "therapy's a two-way street.
" Okay? Well, guess what.
I drove down my side of the street.
Now it's time for you to drive down your side of the street.
Well, I took a turn, and I'm not gonna use that street any more.
No, no, no, they closed that street.
You tried to take that turn, and it is blocked off.
They're doing repair-- Well, there's another street.
Instead of making a right, I made a left.
I know that street.
It's a cul-de-sac.
That's a cul-de-sac, and children play there, and you came back out.
It's a two-way street.
Well, I'm gonna pretend I'm in a different neighborhood where there is another street I can take entirely, okay? I'm not going to go down your street with you.
Can we, you know-- the street metaphor may have been a mistake and, uh-- No, I think it's perfectly fine.
- There are plenty of streets.
- Let's go to this.
I'm gonna take a different street.
I'm going a different path - All right.
- Then, as you people in L.
A.
like to say, I'm going to go my own way.
- I scratched your back.
- Well, - this is apples and oranges.
- Pardon me? I'm using a different kind of metaphor.
I don't--We were on a street, and now there's an apple.
I don't understand.
I'm getting confused.
The point I'm trying to make is that I helped you, and you need to do this for me.
It's that simple.
No, I'm absolutely not going to do it.
All right, well, guess what, it's your funeral then.
All right? Your funeral.
Just remember that we had this conversation.
I-- That's a metaphor too, though, right? - Your funeral? - I guess we'll find out.
No, let's say that it's a metaphor.
- Maybe it is.
- Well, it should be.
Otherwise, this is a threat, and I'm gonna have to record this session, which I didn't wanna do to protect your privacy.
You don't record these.
- These are not recorded.
- No, it hasn't, but I just have to push a button, and I can record it.
Say that the funeral-- That's a metaphor.
There's no funeral.
- There was no funeral.
- Okay.
- There's not a funeral.
- All right.
But this is a whole new ball of wax.
- All right.
- How's that? - You like that? - That's less threatening.
It's a ba--it's a different ball of wax, though.
Fine, it's a ball of wax.
That's rolling right your way.
There's a ball of wax headed your way.
I'm going to be able to sleep just fine at night It's a big ball of wax.
Mr.
Trying-to-become-famous Co-nan O'Brien.
Trying to be-- Jerome, my wireless keyboard is frozen.
The battery's dead.
Come back in, David.
You didn't click off.
I can't click--He's back.
Cut, cut.
Well, I took a turn, and I'm not gonna use that street any more.
No, no, no, they closed that street.
You tried to take that turn, and its blocked off.
- They're doing repairs-- - Well, there's another street.
Instead of making a right, I made a left.
I know that street.
It's a cul-de-sac.
That's a cul-de-sac, and children-- - I'm sorry.
- Children play there.
And lately Andy's been getting his own laughs.
- Oh.
- Big laughs.
- Lately? All right.
- Well, okay-- - Famous one-- - I can't do this right now.
I can't do this right now.
Oh, my God.