Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[CELL PHONES BEEPING]
There's a tornado warning in effect
and Flatch is in the projected path?
Oh, my God. Run! Run! Take cover.
Don't panic! We have to go underground!
No trampling!
[WIND GUSTING]
[OBJECTS CRASHING]
So tomorrow's the big debate
for town selectperson.
I'm killing it
as Barb's campaign manager
Putting up some extra signage, you know,
going out of the way. [CHUCKLES]
I mean, we're totally going
to crush Mandy and Dylan.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm actually
minding my own business.
Super fun. You should try it.
No matter how many signs you put up,
Barb and I are still going to beat you.
Oh, right, like how you beat
me in eighth grade, right?
The only reason you won class president
was because you started a nasty rumor
that my hamster had rabies
and told everyone I made out with it.
Ew. That's ridiculous.
I would never say that.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Vote Mandy!
Mandy!
[KEYBOARD PLAYING]
"Mickey About Town" has the
scoop on all things political.
With the debate
happening this afternoon,
let's see what the candidates stand for.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
[GRUNTS]
[DOGS BARKING]
♪
New roads, new schools,
new parks, and a new attitude.
Barb Flatch just hits different.
You can't spell "Flatch"
without Barb Flatch.
♪
What a-a family. I'm a daddy,
and I want to be Flatch's daddy.
So true, babe. [CLEARS THROAT]
What my husband was supposed to say
is that Flatch is our family,
and family is important.
Would you trust your kids
to two women without kids?
Pretty scary. [CHUCKLES]
Wow. Great videos.
This race is going to be tight.
Really looking forward
to the debate this afternoon.
Hey, babe.
How do I look?
So cute.
"Cute"?
What am I, a toddler in a tiny Corvette?
I am a professional, Joe.
I am not some miniature horse
jumping over a [BLEEP] rainbow.
That cute enough for you?
[CHUCKLES] [DOOR SLAMS]
Cheryl's in the middle of treatment
for her egg extraction,
and her hormone levels
are a bit, um, elevated.
It's been intense. [GIGGLES]
A lot of ups and downs.
Sometimes I just cry for no reason.
And sometimes I cry
because I cry so much.
[SOBBING]
I don't want her
to stress out, you know?
So I just I try to help where I can.
No, stop trying to fix things, Joe.
Thank you.
I've rejuvenated
the real estate market here.
I've beautified the town.
I even have investors
come in to possibly build
a butter bust museum
right here in Flatch.
Okay, technically, the museum was me.
But if I've learned anything,
it's that you never wake someone
while they're sleepwalking
and you never interrupt
an alpha on a roll.
Ask me some debate questions.
What can you bring to Flatch?
The real question is,
what can't I bring to Flatch?
See what I did there. [GIGGLES]
That's my strategy answer
a question with a question.
You can never go wrong. Hit me again.
Do we need a light at the
corner of Lynnwood and Glen?
Do you want a light at the
corner of Lynnwood and Glen?
- Yes.
- Great. Let's do it.
- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS]
You're brilliant.
Am I brilliant?
I don't think I can do this.
You know how uncomfortable
I am with public speaking
Uncomfortable?
I am eight months pregnant.
My calves are ham hocks.
And every time I sneeze, I pee a little.
So I think you can handle
a simple debate.
Besides, even if you
can't speak, you're so cute.
People are going to vote for you anyway.
Um, I have prepared some note cards
with just some stock answers
in case you get lost.
All right, let's take a look.
Oh, perfect.
First we take Flatch,
then the governor's mansion.
I have always wanted to be
Ohio's first family.
Babe, where's the state of Ohio
flag pin I told you
- I got it.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Uh, no.
No, no. Um, uh, no.
That's an Ohio State University pin.
- No, uh-uh.
- Ohio.
I asked you to get
a state of Ohio flag pin.
No one has ever won an Ohio election
without a state of Ohio flag pin.
You know what? It's fine. It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm just going to get you one.
I'm going to get you one.
I'm going to get you one.
Calm down. You calm down.
You better calm down
and get ready and calm down.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
Hey, excuse you. Baby on board.
I need an Ohio flag pin. No one's
ever won an election without one.
How do you know that?
Bribe the janitor?
[SCOFFS] No, that's cheating.
I just I Barbed him.
You know, I told him that
any information he overheard
could be redeemed
for a new mop bucket
I mean, if I win, of course.
No, I don't need a suit or a pin.
I'm naturally presidential.
My mom said when I was born,
the nurse saluted.
[CHUCKLES]
We're moments away
from a what's sure to be a fiery debate.
But that's not the only storm brewing.
[WIND GUSTING SOFTLY]
Things are looking
pretty stormy out here, folks.
Feels like tornado weather to me.
As editor of the paper,
I think that participating in
local government is so important,
which is why I am moderating
the debate today.
As former debate champ,
this is my time to shine.
[CLICKING TONGUE] [FEEDBACK WHINES]
Joe volunteered to help me
at the debate.
At first, I was against it
'cause, you know, Joe can be a lot.
- Oh, come on.
- You like to pull focus.
But, um, you know, I could
really use his help
in staying calm, because as
I've learned from my chickens,
stress can greatly affect egg laying.
- Yeah.
- I am not a chicken.
[LAUGHS] But right now
I am an egg-making machine.
We are ready for anything.
I packed a Cheryl calming kit
Some lavender oil and, uh,
my secret calming tonic.
It's a Kool-Aid and Tang hybrid
with a sugar reduction
and just a dot of my Sour Father Ale.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Ooh.
Hello. Welcome. [DOOR CLOSES]
Yes, you are in the right place.
Welcome to the debate.
It's a little disappointing
to have a low turnout.
You can't have a democracy
without the people.
I'm not going to cry.
[WHIMPERS]
Am I working with Mandy
to get back at Barb?
[SCOFFS] No.
I mean, sure, she bruised
my heart a little bit,
and she kicked me out
of Nan's house, but trust me
I can keep this professional.
Why? What'd she say about me?
You can tell me. I-I-I don't care.
I hate having to come to Pockton,
but I have to get an
Ohio state flag pin for Barb.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
Oh, my God. [DOOR CLOSES, BELLS JINGLE]
Nadine. Figures you'd follow me here.
How? I-I was here first.
Okay, you know what?
I don't have time for this.
- What are you doing here anyway?
- Nothing. I'm just
I'm browsing. What are you
I'm just browsing. I'm shopping.
- I'm shopping, too.
- Okay, well, you can shop.
Okay, have fun shopping.
Browse away.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, yo.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- You're hilarious.
- Thank you.
- I was curious
Do you happen
to have an Ohio state flag pin?
Yes.
And lucky you It's the last one.
- Oh, I was here first.
- No, I was the one who asked.
So, actually, thank you
for grabbing that for me.
Thank you so much. That'd be great.
Don't push me.
It's unfair 'cause you're pregnant.
Okay, you know what?
Let's just settle this
the old-school way, okay?
You really want to drink
a gallon of milk
- and see who throws up first?
- Ew, no.
Why would I want to
Why do you want to
Never mind. No, rock paper scissors
Best out of three, no take-backs.
Oh!
You're going to regret that,
mother from another mother.
Ready? Okay. Ready, ready, ready.
BOTH: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
- What the
- Ugh!
[SERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Boom!
She's the candidate
that makes you undulate.
You can trust her,
unlike some people we know.
She's sweeter the candy,
tougher to nails.
Put your hands together
for the amazing Mandy!
[CELL PHONES BEEPING]
There's a tornado warning in effect
and Flatch is in the projected path?
Oh, my God. Run! Run! Take cover!
Don't panic! We have to go underground!
No trampling!
These warnings happen a bunch.
Most of the time, it's a false alarm.
Now, don't get me wrong
I'm going to take shelter,
but I'm going to check eBay
and make me a sandwich first.
[CELL PHONES BEEPING]
A tornado? Oh, hell, no.
Wait, wait, wait. Hey, Are you leaving?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- You going to leave?
- [SCOFFS] You first, Mallet.
I'm not leaving. All day.
[STRAINING] I need that pin.
[BREATHLESSLY] I think I'll stay.
I'm going to stay all day. Okay.
Oh, my God.
Are you even pregnant at all?
Oh, God, oh!
Oh, my God! The baby's coming!
Mom is safe in the basement.
She's watching her soaps.
- Um, how are you feeling?
- Ugh.
Ooh, I had tiny
Teeny tiny contractions
when I was taking Chantal to
her grandmother's this morning,
but, you know, I didn't want to
worry Dylan before the debate.
You know, I thought I had time
to win the debate.
And then Dylan and I would get
escorted to the hospital
via a government-issued motorcade.
- Okay.
- Ah.
And now it's not safe to drive.
Oh, I cannot have this baby in Pockton.
Okay, you're right. You're right.
Okay, we got this. We got this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[PHONE BEEPS] Oh, okay.
911. What's your emergency?
You guys really be saying that.
Okay, okay, first-time caller,
long-time fan.
- Just
- Um, we're having a baby!
And I don't know if I'm
strong enough for this, okay?
- Like
- Okay, ma'am. Calm down.
Okay, condescending much.
- I'm really calm, dude.
- Okay.
We're sending someone
to your location now,
but this tornado has limited
our resources, so
Okay, no help at all.
- I'm going to call Dylan.
- No, no. No, no, no.
I want him to focus on the debate, okay?
I can handle this myself. [GROANING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
I just got a text from Nadine
saying she's safe.
"Use the note cards.
Don't screw this up."
Also got a heart emoji.
So, uh, so sorry
about overreacting earlier
First tornado.
And don't worry I will replace
the hallway door that I broke.
Anyway, now that we have a crowd,
I don't see why we can't, uh,
finish the debate.
- Yes.
- Do we really have to?
[MOCKINGLY] Yes, we really have to.
[CHUCKLES] And we're all going
to participate,
and you're going to like it.
Does mama need her calm juice?
Oh, no, no, no, Joe. I'm fine.
So everyone sit down, shut up,
and let's enjoy
the democratic process, yeah?
Okay, so the tornado is moving closer.
I don't know where
the paramedics are exactly.
I cannot give birth in Pockton.
Yeah.
So, normally, I wouldn't help Nadine
because she's my sworn mortal enemy,
but her baby's an innocent
bystander in our war.
And it doesn't deserve to begin its life
in this trash can town,
so we're going to hold the baby in.
I'm going to take your mind off of it.
Yes, okay.
Uh, oh, my God.
Wait. I got it, I got it.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Alpaca my own suitcase, thanks.
Wait. I think I forgot a part of it.
What policies
do you plan on implementing
that will maintain
our current infrastructure
but stimulate economic growth fiscally?
Girl, I don't even know what that means.
Uh, yeah, I don't know
how to ask a question
with that question.
Dylan?
[SIGHS]
I have a dream
that one day all Flatch boys and girls
will play together in perfect harmony.
If you keep appropriating Dr. King,
I'm going to march up and down your ass.
Uh-huh. [CROWD MURMURS]
Focus, people! Focus!
[MURMURING CONTINUES]
If you could have lunch
with any celebrity,
- who would it be?
- Great question.
Joe, when I asked for your
help, I meant just sit there.
Yeah, but I know how to work a crowd.
You're overstepping your duties.
I want to hear the answer to that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Who would you like to have lunch with?
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
You know, probably a young Tom Hanks.
He's always felt like a friend
and a-a father figure to me.
Great question,
great answer, Father Joe.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh-ho.
Ho, ho. Thank you.
This is so fun.
- [BOTH SHOUTING]
- Okay.
You do a handstand
and then just let it
- Gravity suck
- I can't. I can't. I can't.
Why are you skinnier than me
if you can't do a handstand?
[BOTH SHOUT] I know. I know.
I do this sometimes to calm down.
Sometimes I make floor angels,
and it's really calming.
Okay, like this.
Ow. [GROANING]
Okay, well, don't spread them
that wide, okay?
I saw what you did there.
You're going to get pregnant again.
Well, Joe, it's a tie
between Fruity Pebbles and Cap'n Crunch.
- Yeah.
- But if I have to pick my favorite,
I'm going with the Cap'n
because them Crunch Berries slap.
- Yes.
- I know.
You know, I would imagine
that the Captain and I were
setting sail in a sea of milk,
and he would say, "Ahoy, Joey.
Would you like to be my first mate?"
- No one asked you, Joe.
- Yep.
So, basically, Nadine's
freaking out because it's
not going according
to her birth plan at all.
She had a doula.
I don't know what that is.
And also, she booked a really
fancy birthing suite in Dayton.
So what I did is I tried to make it look
as close to that as possible.
You know, it took some doing,
but I kind of think I nailed it.
And, um, like, genuinely,
I'm excited to show Nadine.
Okay. No peeking, Mom.
I'm not going to peek.
You don't have to do that.
Okay. Open your eyes.
[NADINE GROANS]
I know. I know.
- It makes me emotional, too.
- [SOBBING]
Okay, what steps do you plan on taking
to reduce Flatch's carbon footprint
without hurting our local businesses
that rely on fossil fuels?
[STAMMERS] Can we
Can we answer another one
of Father Joe's questions?
Because those are fun. Am I right? Huh?
Oh! Oh-ho! [CROWD CLAMORING]
Did I know that I was going
to be a natural at this?
Yes.
You can take the performer
out of the spotlight,
but you can't take the
spotlight out of the performer.
Okay, let's move on
to audience questions.
[CLEARS THROAT] Hi, Shrub here
The man who had the only home
he's ever known "shripped" from him
by someone he had grown to trust.
Okay, do you actually have a question?
Sure. I do have a question for Barb.
So right now you're telling everyone
that you are super into Flatch
and you're committed to us,
but I don't know.
How do we know that you're not
going to just get bored
and break up with us
and then erotically pour wax
on some other town's chest?
- Huh?
- Oh, gross.
What about that?
Shrub, is this just about
your relationship with Barb?
Who cares?
These are the kind of questions
I'm here for.
Yes.
Answer it. Answer it.
Answer it.
ALL: [CHANTING] Answer it. Answer it.
Answer it. Answer it. Answer it.
- [GROANS]
- Have some water.
- Have some water.
- Thank you.
Okay.
- Oh.
- Um
hey, are you scared at all?
Because I'm feeling really scared,
and I'm not even giving birth, so
Um, maybe a little.
Yeah.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Kelly
- Mm-hmm.
In case we die
in this disgusting town
- Yeah.
- Um
I need to tell you something.
I
may have said something
about you and your hamster
in eighth grade.
I knew it.
Why?
You were always just so confident.
I guess I was a little jealous.
[SCOFFS] Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Um
Yeah, yeah.
I yeah, I mean, jealousy is
the only thing that I would
- That would make sense.
- Right.
Um
I-I've always been so jealous
of your killer instinct.
Really?
- You're like the Terminator.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
- Except with way cuter skirts.
You heard it right.
Just like that, two enemies
lay down their swords
and extend an olive branch.
Shut your stupid ass up
and get over here!
- It's coming.
- It's go time.
I got a question for Barb.
That is a direct violation
of the parli pro format.
Cool. What's your angle, Barb?
What's your angle, Mandy?
No more games.
Look, Barb just expect us
all to get spray tans
and start planting palm trees.
Admit it you're trying to turn
Flatch into Florida.
You're just mad because
there's somebody in town
who's not afraid to stand
up to you, little Mandy.
- Can I say something?
- Both: No!
Hey, look what I saw in the kitchen.
Who wants to see a three-way relay race?
I got five on Nadine's husband.
- Thank you.
- Okay. That is enough!
Listen, everyone, you just want
to ask questions like,
what's your favorite color,
or are you into foot stuff?
- Yeah.
- Do not answer that, Shrub.
Oh, my God.
I'm sick of you making a joke
out of me and this process.
- Grow up.
- [CLAPS SLOWLY]
Oh, shut the hell up, Joe.
Okay, you know what?
I knew this was a bad idea.
No more help from you.
Except for this. This is very tasty.
You can keep making the drink,
but then no more help.
- Okay, you can do it!
- I can't.
- I can't push anymore.
- Yes, you can, okay?
You're Nadine, okay?
You're the Terminator.
You can do anything you want.
- Okay.
- Okay, remember second grade
when we went on that field trip?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
And we got lost in the Flatch Caves.
- Uh-huh.
- And you brought your compass,
and you were the only one.
- And that's why we got out.
- Yeah.
Oh, and you got Mr. Tipaldi
fired because he got us lost.
[STRAINING] I hated Mr. Tipaldi!
Yes! Push! [BOTH SCREAMING]
[LIQUID SPLASHES] Oh, my God!
[SHOUTS] Wha
You can't just barge
into the women's bathroom.
Well, Mandy has a plan to make
bathrooms in Flatch all gender by 2032,
but not why I'm here.
Mandy wants you to read this
and then meet her in the storage room.
Listen, things got really crazy
out there, I know.
But, Barb, we cannot be making
this about us.
This is about the campaign.
This is about democracy,
and it's too important.
And I know it's going to be hard,
but we have to remain
professional through this
no matter how hard our loins
are longing for each other.
You know what I mean?
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I miss you, too. I do.
- Look down. Obviously.
- What?
But I ride or die for Mandy now,
and you need to respect that.
May the best person win.
Where did you get
my birth certificate from?
I've got my ways.
Be interesting to hear
what folks would have to say
if they learned that Barb Flatch
was born in Pockton.
Here's a preview. "Oh, hell, no."
"Barb is dead to me. Ugh."
Probably start calling you Barb Pockton.
You're a ruthless opponent.
I'm impressed.
You're a worthy competitor yourself.
Truthfully, I realized I don't have
enough time to be a selectwoman.
I got the tattoo business,
the church business,
picking up my dog's business.
You get it. I'm busy.
Look, I'm willing to let you win
as long as you consult with me on
any major changes you make to Flatch.
Okay, I will.
I also want a parking spot at Town Hall,
a nude beach on the pond,
and for the love of God,
please let Shrub stay
in Nan's house till it sells.
That boy is emotional, and he needs it.
Okay, well, I will agree to all of that
except the nude beach.
Look, body positivity is great,
but I am positive I don't want
to see everybody's body.
I am specifically talking about Len.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, don't worry.
I've made several copies of that.
And should something
suspicious happen to me,
I've instructed someone to send
that directly to Cheryl at the paper.
As long as you don't renege on our deal,
your secret's safe with me.
Okay.
You better edit all of this out.
All of it.
[SIREN WAILS]
- We had a baby!
- Kelly.
[SOFTLY] Sorry. We had a baby.
I don't mean to be gross or anything,
but I couldn't have done this
without you.
I-I really
I don't know how to repay you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I was thinking about that, too.
Um, Kelly is also a boy's name.
[LAUGHS] I'm not doing that.
No, I'll get you, like, a cheese basket
or something, right? Kind of exciting.
So Dylan and Mandy dropped out,
but I still think the debate
was a success.
And also, the tornado didn't
hit the town, so that's a relief.
And since Joe stopped helping,
I've been pretty relaxed.
Cheryl, I'd like to
put an ad in the paper.
No one wants to buy
your pickled grapes, June!
Oh.
Something feels different.
I got the pin.
So, yeah, that means Barb and I won.
I mean, technically, we won
because everyone else quit.
But you know what they say.
Survival of the fittest.
Yeah, Mandy and I lost.
But out of nowhere, Barb told me
that I can stay at Nan's house
until she sells it,
so clearly she's still sweet
on old Shrub.
[WHISPERING] No, she's not.