Wonder Woman (1976) s02e08 Episode Script

- You got the ring? - Of course I've got the ring.
Hey, good luck.
- Thank you.
- Let's go.
Chief Justice, may I present despite his outward appearance, the happy groom? I've known Christian Harrison since he was the embassy brat at the Court of Saint James's.
Who would have thought then that I would have to ask his permission to enter the Oval Office? - Steve, are you sure- - I've got the ring.
- I've already asked that, haven't I? - Just six or eight times.
All right.
My friends, we are gathered here today to join this couple in the blessed bonds of matrimony.
The marriage ceremony has long been one of my favorite functions.
I officiate at this one today with great pleasure.
Done? The homing device will start to transmit as soon as they start the car.
And we shall be there right behind them.
- Who gives this woman in marriage? - I do.
And what is the token of their love? Place the ring on the third finger of her left hand, please.
Do you, Christian Harrison, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer - as long as you both shall live? - I do.
And do you, Diana Prince, take this man, Christian Harrison to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer - as long as you both shall live? - I do.
Then with the powers vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Fill it up and check it out.
- Yes, sir.
Take this guy on a snipe hunt.
I'll see what I can find.
Got you.
You got a road map we could look at? I think my friend here took a wrong turn.
- Where you headed? - Scottsdale.
You're on the right road.
Come on, I'll show you.
- I think I'll have a cheeseburger.
- They are very good.
Thank you.
I've changed my mind.
From "I do" to "I don't"? No.
From a cheeseburger to a chocolate soda.
Cheeseburgers can stand rejection better than I.
What are you going to have? How is your cheeseburger? Very strange.
Chris, I'd like to freshen up a little bit.
Don't be too long.
We want to get to the Hacienda before dark.
Right.
Shopping for a honeymoon negligée? What are you after? Johnny! You okay? - Thank you, Wonder Woman.
- You're welcome.
"Thank you, Wonder Woman"? - Don't you have a bride somewhere? - Yes, but- - Shouldn't you be looking after her? - Yes.
Certainly.
This is no way to spend your honeymoon.
- No.
- No.
I couldn't agree more.
All right.
Who's going to pay for all of this? I've got a boss who'll be pretty mad when he gets back.
And I have a credit card.
How am I supposed to write this up? You've got me, pal.
If you'd just Diana.
Chris, what happened to you? - Listen, you're not going to believe this.
- Try me.
- There was this girl.
- On my honeymoon? It's not like that.
Honest.
Diana, did you pack a bathing suit? I think this health spa you've chosen for our honeymoon is gonna do you a lot of good.
Yes, I packed a bathing suit.
This girl was wearing a bathing suit that looked like Let me put it to you this way: I have seen Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman? Miss, could I have another American flag Cheeseburger, please.
- Are you going to be all right? - To tell the truth, I'm not really sure.
You better get ready to get back to Switzerland.
- How much is there? - With the laundered pesos I guess we've got $200,000.
Not bad.
I want you to leave in a couple of days.
I'll give you the bank account number for deposit.
Yes.
Thank you.
Do me a favor, would you? Send Johnny and Smitty in.
I will, Mr.
Allen.
Boss wants to see you.
- Let me explain, Mr.
Allen- - I'm not interested in any excuses.
The fact remains that you can provide no additional information than I gave you when I asked you to follow those people and search their belongings.
Come on.
I mean, there was this really weird girl.
- She was incredibly strong.
I've never- - Don't you read the papers? I read the papers.
The girl he described is Wonder Woman.
You understand? She frequently helps the IADC.
And Christian Harrison has just married one of that agency's top operatives.
What I'm going to do is use that love play as an intelligence ploy.
We have a reservation.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Christian Harrison.
Yes.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Harrison.
The Honeymoon Suite is ready for you.
Thank you.
May I offer the Hacienda's wishes for a pleasant stay with us as well as a long and happy marriage? - Of course you may.
- That's very sweet.
Thank you very much.
Suite 100.
Shall we? This is pretty.
Great.
Thank you.
I wonder if all brides feel as uncomfortable as I do when all of a sudden they find themselves alone with this very strange person that they have married? That's why I took the last three to an amusement park.
When I got embarrassed, I could always go on the merry-go-round.
"Always.
" A sentiment devoutly to be wished.
Wine? Someone's at the door.
- Saved by the knock.
- This time.
Sam.
- Hello, Chris.
- Sam Tucker.
Come on in.
May I present my bride, Diana Harrison? - How do you do? - Nice to meet you, sir.
When did you get married? We just went through a very well-publicized wedding ceremony.
Don't you read the papers? I'm afraid we missed the publicity out here on the frontier.
Some frontier.
I should be honest with you.
Hold on.
Let me go turn on the radio.
Okay.
I think it is safe to talk now.
We're not really married.
This is Diana Prince of the IADC.
And this is all part of a plan.
And you set this up because of what I told Joe Atkinson? Exactly.
And you've surrounded this place and you'll arrest all the employees? That's not the way it's going to come down.
Perhaps you'd better listen to the little woman.
I really think we ought to start with some details that Sam has told Joe Atkinson.
Sam? Of course, I made several phone calls.
The first was when I opened negotiations for a South American trade agreement.
- Coffee time.
- That's right.
The lobbyists knew more about what our posture would be than I did.
The IADC started checking into possible leaks right then.
And we came up empty.
The next call was made after the debacle with the Middle Eastern oil cartel.
Their entire delegation walked after I made my opening speech.
That's when I put out the directive on loose talk at cocktail parties.
Then Dolly and I had an intimate supper with the Canal countries in which we reached what was considered an unofficial solution, a blueprint for a forthcoming agreement.
The next morning I couldn't get anyone to answer a phone call.
I'm sorry, Sam, we had no idea this would trace back to your wife.
Dolly was simply one of many important wives who are currently leaking vital trade information.
We figured that the wife of someone with an important White House position would be a prime target.
So we got married.
We're dealing with a very clever fellow here.
He's been bleeding information out of his important female guests for some time.
Selling it to the highest bidder and acquiring a tidy fortune in the process.
But who? Who is he? Who's behind this? It's David Allen, sir.
All of our leads end up right here at the Hacienda.
- Dolly is here with you? - She insisted I come.
She said she wanted to put our marriage together.
I didn't even know it had fallen apart.
Maybe we can help both of you.
Will I have any trouble finding her? I hope you won't have as much difficulty as I do.
She seems to takes more massages than Muhammad Ali.
David, how good of you to come.
You recognized my touch? Of course.
After all, how many years have I been coming here? I don't know for sure, but it seems like forever since your last visit.
You are tense.
Don't tell me you're letting all those Washington pressures get to you? No more than usual.
- Sam is here, you know.
- I read about that.
Guess you've been entertaining a lot? You know I'm the hostess for the A list.
Of course I've been entertaining.
- Feel good? - Wonderful.
There we are.
Why don't you just relax? I had no idea that out here in peaceful Scottsdale someone was just waiting for me to get married.
It hadn't even occurred to me until I met you.
Let's not get carried away, Chris.
They know that you have the President's ear.
And chances are they know how I make a living, too.
This is not what they call a shoo-in.
So how do we cross the wire? I don't know about you, but I'm going to start with a swim.
Join me? No, I'm beat from the drive.
You go ahead.
Do you mind? - No, as long as you watch me.
- How could I not? Now, Dolly darling, I want you to tell me everything about that party you gave for those pipeline people.
"Another cocktail, Mr.
Secretary?" "No, thank you, Dolly darling.
"I have to keep a clear head for this evening.
" "I am so sorry, Olin.
I made them especially for you.
"Come on, you've still got a few minutes.
" "Thank you, Dolly.
You've twisted my arm.
" If you don't mind, Dolly darling, we'll just lose those few minutes.
You should be serving your port and cigars by now.
May I hear it, please? "We need much more money "to finish the pipeline.
"Of course, if the unions find out the hole we're in "the costs are going to be astronomical.
"Thank you, Dolly darling.
"These aren't from Cuba, are they?" Thank you, Dolly Blabbermouth.
I'm sorry, David.
Forgive me, I must have dropped off.
I didn't talk in my sleep, did I? No, of course not.
And if you did, I certainly would not repeat it.
Of course you wouldn't.
Imagine the position you'd be in if you could repeat all the things that the Washington wives pick up just by osmosis? Well, Dolly, I don't listen.
No, of course you don't.
Hi, I'm Denny Lake.
I'm Chris Harrison.
My wife, Diana.
How do you do? As the tennis pro here, I'm supposed to encourage the guests.
- Do you play? - No, I've never had the time.
I play a little.
I'm not exactly a Tracy or a Chrissy, but I try.
All right.
Take this racket.
Maybe we can make one out of you.
- Okay.
- All right with you, Mr.
Harrison? Why not? I'd like to go take a nap.
Maybe a round of golf or something.
- Okay.
- Bye, darling.
Hey, Johnny.
Johnny, this is Mrs.
Harrison.
Mrs.
Harrison, Johnny.
Would you take Mrs.
Harrison out and give her some pointers on center court? Sure.
Come with me.
Lean into the ball.
Keep your right arm straight.
Remember shoulder rotation.
Keep your weight forward.
Shoulder rotation.
That's it, keep on top of the ball.
Keep your right arm straight.
Lean forward.
That's it.
Put your weight behind you.
That's it.
Nice try.
That was fun.
Thank you.
- Listen, you could really be good.
- Right.
Anytime you want to practice, just come on by.
You can use the ball machine.
It will really keep you in shape.
Thank you very much again.
Johnny.
- Mrs.
Harrison? - Yes.
I think you better take a steam.
You're gonna be sore.
You're right there.
I could sure use one.
My arm's a little sore.
It's right up there.
Okay.
Thanks again.
Her husband went on to their suite, and we played for a while.
She's not bad.
I'm not interested in her tennis prowess, you idiot.
- Where is she right now? - Taking a steam, I guess.
She's married to the President's right arm and you guess that she's taking a steam bath? Why am I surrounded by such incompetence? Hello, this is David.
Yes.
Could you please see that Mrs.
Harrison gets the Hacienda special steam? Tell me, David.
Exactly how long have I been coming here? Why, Dolly, you know as well as I that you were among the first patrons of the Hacienda.
Were it not for you - Please, David, spare me that.
- But it's true, Dolly.
You know as well as I that everyone who is anyone knows that Dolly Tucker is the one who decides what is in.
Where to dine.
What to wear.
Where to go, to shop.
You are a trendsetter, lady.
Let's face it.
Without you I'd be running a desert.
All of this would be nothing but a mirage.
David, you are running a mirage.
But of course.
This mirage, thanks to you, has become real.
These ladies, do you know that many of them who visit us come because of you? Oh, yeah, it certainly benefits them.
They're trimmer, more vivacious, better hostesses.
And I've even been told they are better wives.
Better listeners? Yes, I suppose.
Take you for instance, look at you.
I'll bet you anything that very soon in the market - there's gonna be a Dolly Tucker doll.
- There already is one.
Every wife of every important Washington official here is a doll.
We walk.
We talk.
We entertain.
We serve.
We listen.
Mostly we listen.
But when we talk it is to the wonderfully receptive David Allen.
Dolly darling.
Don't you "Dolly darling" me.
You have made human tape recorders of every important wife here.
Every single one who's had one of your massages.
If I hadn't fallen from a horse last week, I would never have known it.
- Last week? - Early last week.
About the time I gave you the information about the coffee cartel.
- Dolly, please- - Don't interrupt me.
- Listen I- - It's very rude.
After my accident, I went to a chiropractor.
He realigned the nerves in my spine.
After that, when you touched my button, it had no effect.
So the information I gave you this afternoon was as phony as David Allen.
- Well, that's very interesting, Dolly.
- I thought so, too, David.
You've been making traitors of us all for some time.
The only way I could feign that recorded bit was because you had me doing it for so long.
Well, Dolly I suppose our relationship has ended, wouldn't you say? Unless, of course, there's something you want for the information you now possess.
You know something? Ever since I can remember, I've hated horses.
All right, Dolly.
What do you want? I want my husband back.
I'm tired of the merry-go-round.
I'm willing to take a chance on Sam being discredited in the government.
I want him to resign and I want no opposition to his resignation.
I just want to go home to New Jersey and raise our kids.
I'm sick of the Washington rat race on Embassy Row.
You know something, Dolly? You are a very foolish lady.
- Why? - Yes.
Why didn't you simply feed me anything you wanted? I had no idea at all that you were no longer under my spell, as it were.
Because I want you to cease and desist.
Forever.
Excuse me.
Yes, David Allen here.
Mr.
Allen, it seems Mrs.
Harrison will be coming to any minute.
Excellent.
I'll be right over.
Listen, we could take care of her right now.
No, you fool! Well, Dolly.
It's obvious you've given a great deal of thought to this matter.
I have.
I hope that you extend the same privilege to me.
Let me get this straight: You merely want to discredit Sam? You mean for the children's sake? - Not disgraced.
- No, of course not.
All right.
We can talk again? - Yes.
But soon.
- Of course.
You know, Dolly if only you would let me work this out my way we both can get what we want.
You know, I'm probably as fond of the Hacienda as you are of Sam.
I love my husband a great deal.
But I want him home.
Have you told this to anyone? No, David.
This is just between you and me.
You are one gracious lady.
Hello? Yeah, this is David Allen.
Listen, Mrs.
Tucker should be arriving there any minute for her usual morning ride.
I want you to make sure that she mounts Satan.
You heard me.
I'll be at the massage parlor.
Satan.
You be a good boy.
Lovely Mrs.
Tucker is going to give you some exercise.
Just let me fix your saddle.
Mrs.
Harrison? Are you awake, Mrs.
Harrison? I hope you had a nice nap, Mrs.
Harrison.
Who are you? Where am I? Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
I'm your very concerned host.
My name is David Allen and you are safely in one of our massage parlors.
The last I remember, I was taking a sauna.
I'm afraid it's not a unique experience, Mrs.
Harrison.
See what happened was you played tennis strenuously, took a sauna and merely passed out from the exertion.
- I'm sorry.
- You'll be all right in a few minutes.
I'm so sleepy, I - My husband.
- Please, it's all right.
As a matter of fact, your husband isn't aware of this incident.
You know, he's actually playing golf with Mr.
Tucker at this very moment.
So why don't you just lie back? - Sorry, I'm just so sleepy.
- It's okay.
- I can't seem to keep my eyes open.
- There you go.
Just take it easy.
I'll make you feel like a million in a jiffy.
Just take the regular bridle path.
- Have a nice ride.
- I'm sure I will.
Is this a new horse? What's his name? Angel.
What is your name? Your real name.
Diana Prince.
And, of course, you are not married, are you? Oh, but I am.
Diana Prince is my maiden name.
My married name is Mrs.
Christian Harrison.
Mrs.
Harrison, what is your job? I am an agent with the IADC.
Exactly what is your assignment? My assignment? It's written in the marriage contract.
What? - "To love and to honor " - No, I mean what are you doing here? I'm on my honeymoon.
For no other purpose? Go ahead.
- I want to - Yes? brush up on my tennis.
Just rest, Diana.
You'll awake in a few moments and you'll remember absolutely nothing.
I've got a very busy day planned for you two.
Mrs.
Tucker has caused me to take drastic plans against Mr.
Tucker.
What about Harrison? I have a hunch that Harrison will be a little hot to handle as well.
Why don't you let us get out to the golf course? Good, but first let me tell you about the arrangements for Dolly Tucker's canter.
I've had this horse trained to buck and rear upon signal and will continue to do so unless otherwise signaled.
In other words, it seems highly unlikely even an experienced rider will escape.
I guess what I'm talking about is that Dolly Tucker will attend her very own going-away party.
Mrs.
Harrison, you're leaving so soon.
Take my word for it, sunbathing will make a new woman out of you.
I really should be joining my husband- But tennis is your game, love.
Mr.
Harrison is on the golf course.
Why don't you rest a tiny moment? Please? I hope you don't play that way at Camp David.
They may not invite you back.
Considering the new lady in my life I think I'd like to take a few weekends off golf to pursue Diana.
They should play through rather quickly when I press this.
Anybody ever clocked that golf cart? Once it gets moving, we could enter it in a stock-car race.
That's the finish line over there.
"Finish" is the exact word.
Well, anyway, as I was saying Well, how did you enjoy your golf game? I've been in the rough before, but this is crazy.
Mr.
Tucker, where does your wife usually ride? She usually rides over at the bridle path.
Is Dolly in danger? Don't worry, I'll handle it.
Chris, call Joe Atkinson and have him order some men to close in on this place.
Where's Diana? Right now she should be in the swim of things.
Y'all make sure you show up at the tennis tournament this afternoon.
See you later, babe.
There is no need to be frightened anymore, Mrs.
Tucker.
I've been riding horses all my life, I love horses.
But you are not going to get me onboard that one again.
Don't be silly.
This is not a mean horse.
Look.
An evil man planned to kill you with that.
Yes.
I found out about him.
I know who it is.
I know who he is, too.
Take it nice and easy.
Planning a trip, Mr.
Allen? Well, Wonder Woman.
Your pictures don't do you justice.
I can do without your flattery.
Stop right there otherwise I might go "boom" and this man's gonna get hurt.
And ultimately, I suppose, your government.
So just get out of my way, all right? I thought you were on your honeymoon.
I've heard of the rocky road to love, but this is ridiculous.
I'd say you were a born bachelor.
I called the kids today.
They'll meet us at the plane.
That'll be great.
Incidentally, I made a call today, too.
- Did you? - Yeah.
My secretary will be cleaning out my desk.
I dictated a letter of resignation.
- Accepted? - Reluctantly.
Of course.
Who'd want to lose you? - I know I don't.
- You couldn't if you tried.
- I love you.
- I can't imagine why.
I certainly can't imagine life without you.
Which I suppose is my bureaucratic way of saying I love you, too.
You are an absolute, lovable caution.
You know, we seldom take on married agents.
Policy, you know.
Outside of that, how does Chris stack up for the IADC? - Not bad, considering - Considering what? Considering you left with me on our honeymoon and ended up with Wonder Woman.
I'd say you're fickle.
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