Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007) s02e08 Episode Script

1
HONEY, THERE'S AN ARTICLE IN
HERE.
IT SAYS IT WAS WRITTEN BY ME.
LOOK.
WHAT? HOW BIZARRE.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
READ IT.
IT SAYS, "RECENTLY, A STRANGE
CREATURE WAS SPOTTED RAMBLING ON
THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN"
Xavier: NOTHING WILL EVER
INTERRUPT MY EPIC SEARCH FOR MY
MOTHER, NO MATTER HOW -- OH,
A POSSUM!
AAH!
PLAY DEAD!
[ SNORING ]
I'M DEAD.
I'M DE-- STUPID IDIOT, I JUS
OUTPLAYED YOU, POSSUM!
OH, NO, IT'S DEAD!
OI, MATE!
CRIKEY!
WE DON'T "MOHAIR" TO YOUR
KIND AROUND HERE, BOY!
Xavier: I'VE GOT TO WARN YOU.
IF YOU BEAT ME UP, ONE DAY THA
PAIN WILL COME BACK TO ME
"SEXFOLD."
NOT YOU, FREAK -- THIS HERE
TERRORISTIC SAND NEGROID!
TAKE CRIME!
TASTE THE HATE!
Xavier: THEY "QUEEFER" TO BE
CALLED SANDFRICAN-AMERICANS!
I AM JUST VISITING MUSLIM
WHO COME TO AMERICA TO LEARN OF
YOUR ENCHANTING CULTURE.
Xavier: [ SNIFFS ]
THEN YOU'LL WANT TO BATHE
IN OUR WARM KINDNESS.
BUT ANY DECENT AMERICAN IS
GOING TO SMACK YOUR SACK OFF FOR
BEING A DIRTY ARAB.
IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE
REAL AMERICA, YOU'VE GOT TO
BUILD AN ARTIFICIAL WORLD -- A
ROBOTIC AMUSEMENT PARK FULL OF
ANDROID AMERICANS PROGRAMMED TO
BE GOOD TO YOU AND TO LET YOU
INTO THEIR HUMBLE LIVES.
THIS IS GREAT IDEA.
THOUSANDS OF RICH ARABS WOULD
PAY BIG MONEY FOR IT IF WE JUS
HAD HIGH-TECH-ENOUGH ROBOTS
THAT WOULDN'T AT THE MOS
INOPPORTUNE TIME BREAK DOWN
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
DAMN IT, FREAK!
YOU BLEW ITS CIRCUITS WITH YOUR
CYLINDRICAL LOGIC.
THESE DROIDS CAN'T HANDLE
BAUDRILLARDIAN SELF-AWARENESS.
Xavier: THIS IS A
"SIMULACROCK"?
WE PAID $1,000 A DAY TO BEA
UP MECHANIZED ARABS, BUT THIS IS
THE WORST "TOURORISTORRISM"
HATE-CRIME DREAM VACATION I
THINK WE'VE EVER HAD!
I CAN'T GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY
BACK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS?
Xavier: KARMA IS A BOOMERANG,
MATE, SO THROW ANOTHER AUSSIE
COSMIC SCRIMP ON FATE'S BARBIE.
HE WAS OUR BELOVED TOWN
LEADER, OUR SUPPLE SHIP'S
CAPTAIN AND LO--
Xavier: PEOPLE!
A MAN IS FALLEN!
MAN DOWN!
HE NEEDS HELP!
YOU DARK, HEARTLESS
RUBBERNECKERS SIT BACK IN BLACK,
ASSES TO ASSES, BUTTS IN DUST,
DOING NOTHING ALL OVER THE FACE
OF THIS PLACE.
WE'RE IN MOURNING!
HAVE SOME RESPECT.
Xavier: YOU SHOULD BE
GRIEVING THE DEATH OF YOUR
VIGILANCE!
HE'S PLAYING POSSUM.
I CAN TELL.
I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
HE'S PASSED ON, TO A BETTER,
MORE EUPHEMISTIC PLACE.
WELL, LET'S THROW TOGETHER AN
IMPROMPTU FUNERAL.
YOU'VE DESECRATED HIS MEMORY!
Xavier: YOU DON'T KNOW WHA
HE WANTS, BUT I CAN SPEAK FOR
THE DEAD WHEN I SAY I CAN
CHANNEL THE DEAD!
I HATE TO BRAG MY BRITCHES, BU
I'M A RATHER LARGE MEDIUM WHEN I
PENETRATE THE GRAY VEIL.
BLEED ME.
ONCE I GET THIS DEAD MOTORMOUTH
YAPPING THROUGH ME, HE WON'
STOP CHEWING MY LIPS OFF TILL I
HAVE TO KNOCK HIS BLACK OFF AND
JACK OUR MOUTHS OFF.
I'D THROW THIS FREAK OUT, BU
I DON'T WANT TO GET TOOTH-GOO ON
MY SUIT.
Xavier: HE'S COMING.
HE'S COMINGINSIDE ME.
"OH, HELLO, PEOPLE OF" --
What's this town called again?
LOTION, NEW MEXICO.
Xavier: "PEOPLE OF EARTH, I
AM"
What's the dead guy's name?
ABRAHAM LOTION.
Xavier: WHAT KIND OF NAME IS
"LOTION"?
HE INVENTED LOTION AND
FOUNDED THIS SLEEPY TOWN.
WE PRODUCE 70% OF THE NATION'S
LOTION.
WE'RE A SIMPLE FOLK, BUT WE GE
FREE HOT- AND COLD-RUNNING
LOTION, SO WE LOOK GREAT.
Xavier: WHAT IFS.
"I AM ABE LOTION, AND I WAN
THAT YOU TAINT SHAN'T NO
MOURN."
THIS GUY'S BABBLING EXACTLY
LIKE MR. LOTION ON HIS DEATHBED.
IT'S HIM!
I'D KNOW THAT GIBBERISH
ANYWHERE!
Xavier: "IS THERE SOMEONE
HERE WEARING A BLACK SHIRT?
I AM, BUT HOW COULD HE HAVE
KNOWN THAT?
HE'S DEAD.
DO YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR US
FROM THE BEYOND?
Xavier: "COURSE I DO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M BACK FROM
THE DEAD FOR MY HEALTH?
A MESSAGE -- IT'S AROUND HERE
SOMEWHERE.
HERE IT IS.
'KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY
POCKETS.'"
I THINK WHAT HE MEANS IS THAT WE
SHOULD FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE.
HE'S GONE.
Grab those lats, kid.
HE'S BACK!
HEY, LET'S GIVE THAT VESSEL A
HAND!
HE'S GONE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE, I'M A HUMBLE SERVANT.
I DON'T NEED THE CLAP FROM YOU
PEOPLE.
AND HE'S BACK!
COME ON, FOLKS.
GIVE IT UP.
EVERYBODY WANTS APPLAUSE!
AND HE'S GONE FOREVER!
BUT WE MUST HONOR HIS DYING
REQUEST.
I MEAN, I WASN'T REALLY PAYING
ATTENTION.
I WAS BLUE-TOOTHING IT DURING
HALF HIS BLATHER, BUT I THINK HE
YAMMERED SOMETHING ABOUT HOW
GOLD RULES.
YOU MUST HONOR HIM WITH A GOLD
STATUE IN THE CENTER OF TOWN.
WE DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES.
Xavier: HAVE YOU NO RESPEC
FOR THE DEAD?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST PISS IN THE
MAN'S FACE, LIKE THIS?
GOLD IS JUST SOMETHING WE
COULDN'T AFFORD.
Xavier: WELL, WHAT'S THAT?
IF YOU ALL CHIPPED IN, YOU COULD
WIN YOUR OWN LOTTO.
YOU'D EARN ENOUGH TO UNDO THE
INDIGNITY OF THE PISSWICH, WHICH
THAT MAN'S FACE JUST WOOFED,
WOOFED DOWN, DOWN.
OOH, OOH, HOLD THE MAYO.
THE DEAD WANT US TO WIN!
AND OUR SCHOOLS WIN, TOO!
WE GOT TO WIN!
I GUARANTEE!
MISTER, I RUN THE LOTION
WEEKLY CIRCULAR.
I WANT TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND AND
GET YOUR SCOOP, TELL YOUR STORY.
Xavier: MINE IS THE STORY OF
A MAN SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE,
FAT AND THICK AND DEEP FOR HIS
MOTHER, ONCE THOUGHT DEAD.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
SHE'S ABOUT YEA TALL AND ABOU
OOH BIG, AND ABOUT MMM NICE.
I HAVE A SKETCH YOU COULD PRINT.
WOW, LOOK AT HIM GO.
Xavier: DOES YOUR PAPER HAVE
A MISSED CONNECTIONS SECTION?
TAKE THIS DOWN.
"YOU?
SANDY, 5-FOOT BLONDE, PRETTY
DRUNK.
WE MADE PASSING EYE CONTAC
WHILST YOU WERE GIVING BIRTH TO
ME.
ME?
SINGLE, WHITE MALE, THICK AND
HUGE.
I TORE YOU UP THAT NIGHT.
COCOA?"
I'M SORRY?
Xavier: DO YOU WANT SOME HO
COCOA?
GOOD AND FRUITY.
SURE.
Xavier: WELL, GET ME SOME,
TOO.
RUN IT.
LEAVE IN THE PART ABOUT THE
COCOA.
SEX SELLS.
SO DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN?
NO.
I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I DON'T THI--
WE WON!
WE WON THE LOTTO!
WE WON THE LOTTO!
NOW WE CAN PAY TRIBUTE WITH THE
GOLDEST STATUE EVER!
YEAH!
Xavier: YOU HAVEN'T WON!
YOU ARE ONE!
YOU HAVE ALL SHOWN NOBILITY IN
YOUR SELFLESS SURRENDER TO THE
GREATER GOOD.
THERE CAN BE NO GLORIOUS
COLLECTIVE WITHOUT THE
INDIVIDUAL.
THEREFORE, EACH ONE OF YOU IS
BETTER THAN ANY OTHER ONE OF
YOU -- OR THE GROUP.
DON'T LET ANYONE PUT THEIR PARTS
OVER YOUR WHOLE AND SQUEEZE OU
COMMUNISM.
YOU SHOULD EACH REWARD
YOURSELVES DECADENTLY FOR YOUR
LACK OF GREED AND SELFLESSNESS.
AW, COME ON, WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO?
SOMETHING STUPID LIKE COVER
OURSELVES IN
SO, THEN, WE COVERED OURSELVES
IN GOLD.
WE DESERVE IT.
I DESERVE IT!
ME TOO!
YOU DON'T DRESS FOR THE JOB
YOU WANT.
YOU DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU DON'
HAVE ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU GO
GOLD-PLATED.
YOU'RE ONLY AS RICH AS YOU --
LOOK.
HERE COMES THE NICE BANKER MAN
TO TELL YE HOW RICH I IS.
Xavier: WHAT'S THIS?
SEEMS TO BE SOME SORT OF WORDS
ON PAPER.
I CAN TOTALLY READ, BUT I DARE
YOU TO READ WHAT IT SAYS ON
HERE.
OR WHAT ARE YOU, CHICKEN?
MOO-CA-TOODLE!
IT SAYS THE BANK IS GOING TO
REPOSSESS THIS WHOLE TOWN AND
TEAR IT DOWN TO BUILD CONDOS FOR
I ASSUME "LATTE LIBERALS."
Xavier: YEP, THAT'S CORRECT.
GIVE UP YOUR GOLD OR GIVE UP
YOUR TOWN.
I'M NOT GETTING RID OF MY
GOLD!
ME NEITHER.
YOU CAN PRY IT FROM MY GOLD,
DEAD, GOLD --
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!
Xavier: I KNOW SOME PEOPLE
WHO WOULD BUY YOUR TOWN AND NO
CHANGE A THING.
WE'LL DO ANYTHING TO STAY
GILDED.
Xavier: EVEN PRETEND TO BE
ROBOTS?
DOWN UNDA!
Xavier: OKAY, LOOK UNALIVE,
PEOPLE.
HERE WE GO!
LADIES AND GENTLEMUSLIMS, ARABS
OF ALL STROKE, WE GOT A "GOOZUM"
ON THE LOOSE, SO KEEP YOUR MUZZY
LIMBS INSIDE THE "TRAMBOATEL" A
ALL TIMES, LESS YOU WANT TO LOSE
THEM ON A "GOOZUM."
I'M YOUR TOUR GUIDE, YOUR PURE
SNIDE WITH WHITE PRIDE, HERE TO
KEEP YOU ALIVE.
AND IF YOU LOOK TO YOUR LEFT,
YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO TURN TO
YOUR RIGHT, WHERE YOU'LL SEE A
ROBOTIC DEPICTION OF A TYPICAL
AMERICAN TOWN.
ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THESE
AMERIBOTS ARE DOUBLE-,
DOUBLE-PROGRAMMED TO NOT HATE
YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE MUSLIMS.
COMING UP AHEAD IS THE PRIDE OF
THE CITY, THE LOTION FACTORY,
WITH ITS FAMED 2-MILLION-GALLON
SILOS OF ANTI-AGING CREAM.
AND ALL OF THESE PEOPLE HERE
ARE ROBOTS?
Xavier: YEP.
SO LIFELIKE
IT EVEN LOOKED LIKE THAT ROBO
WINKED AT YOU CONSPIRATORIALLY.
Xavier: YOU CAN TOUCH THEM
ALL YOU WANT, HERE OR HERE.
JUST DON'T PLAY GRAB-ASS.
Psst.
SHOW MY BUTT WHAT MY MOUTH
MEANS, JUST TO BE SAFE.
GO ON.
MINGLE, DO WHATEVER YOU WAN
WITH THEM.
SNATCH THEIR GRUB, PUNCH THEIR
BELLIES.
EVERYTHING IS INCLUDED FOR YOUR
$5,000 A DAY EXCEPT FOR THE
PROP-PROP PLANE RIDE.
THAT'S A QUARTER.
NOW, WHO NEEDS CHANGE?
SOMEONE ANSWERED YOUR AD
FOR YOUR MOM.
I TOLD HER TO MEET US HERE.
SHE -- HONEY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I ANSWERED AN AD.
YEARS AGO I HAD A SON.
I NEVER TOLD YOU.
IS THIS YOUR SON?
HIM?!
NO!
Xavier: MOTHER, IS THAT YOU?
YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT!
GIVE ME A HUG.
GET AWAY FROM ME.
YOU MAKE ME SICK!
Xavier: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
IT IS MY MOM!
IS THIS FEMALE AMERIBO
GIVING YOU TROUBLE?
SHE'S TO OBEY YOUR ORDERS, YES?
DON'T TOUCH ME!
Xavier: SIR, WOMEN HERE HAVE
THE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT THEY
WANT.
IT TOTALLY SUCKS.
FASCINATING.
WHERE ARE TIME-HONORED
OPPRESSIONS TO WOMEN?
GET OFF ME!
THIS MACHINE IS DEFECTIVE.
WE MUST DESTROY IT!
Xavier: NOO!
IT'S A SOFTWARE PROBLEM.
WE'LL RE-REPROGRAM HER.
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IF IT IS SYSTEM-WIDE?
NO HATE OF MUSLIMS IS ALL WE ASK
FOR.
Xavier: OKAY, JUST TO BE
SAFE, I'LL RE-REPROGRAM ALL OF
THE AMERIBOTS TO BECOME MUSLIMS.
THAT'S THE KIND OF TYPICAL
AMERICAN I LIKE.
Xavier: REPEAT AGAIN.
MEKA LEKA HI ALA SHINEYHO ALLA!
MEKA LEKA HI ALA SHINEYHO
ALLA!
Xavier: I EVEN GOLD-PLATED
THE KORAN.
CAN'T POLISH A TURD.
THEY'RE DRAGGING US BACK TO THE
STONE AGES.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THE
ROBOTS TO RISE UP AGAINST THEIR
ALL-TOO-HUMAN MASTERS.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ ALL ROARING ]
MY WIFE!
WHERE IS SHE?!
Xavier: YOU'RE A REPORTER!
STAY OBJECTIVE.
SHE WOULD'VE WANTED TO BE
OBJECTIFIED.
DO YOUR JOB!
TAKE THE CAMERA!
YES.
MUST REMAIN OBJECTIVE.
Xavier: TAKE IT!
IT'S WORKING!
THE "ARABASAURUSES" ARE
TURNING BACK INTO OIL!
THE ARAB ASSAULT IS
METAPHORICAL.
OI! OI! OIL!
WE'RE RICH!
THE AMERIBOTS OF LOTION,
NEW --
[ COUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
NEW ME--
[ COUGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
NEW MEXICO, GOT SO RICH OFF --
DOWN UNDA!