Xena: Warrior Princess s02e08 Episode Script

Gabrielle, wake up.
It’s all right,it’s me.
Xena you know, I don’t know if I’m gonna get used to this.
It’s so weird having your best friend in the body of your worst enemy.
Could you dye your hair? Hey! It’s only a suggestion.
Joxer?! Quick response good! Next time I test you defenses, I’ll make even less noise on purpose.
What are you doing here, Joxer? I’m here to deliver a message for Callisto.
I thought she might be interested.
I mean, uh for, uh Xena, the, eh did you get the hang of this yet? About half the time.
Why would I want Callisto’s messages? Burn it.
Not this one How often do you get a personal invitation from the god of war? Ares sent out ten scrolls; one of ‘em’s for Callisto.
Ah I’ve got it around here somewhere.
Hey! Is that it? who are you supposed to be, a fierce warrior trapped in the body of Gabrielle? Ares didn’t send this invitation; he knows Callisto’s dead and I’m in her body.
But, I’d like to know who did send it and why.
So would I; when do we leave? Gabrielle and I leave at first light.
With all of the warlords passing through,Joxer the people around here may need you in case a panic breaks out.
my presence would inspire confidence, wouldn’t it? Well, thanks, Callist uh Xena Relax, just go with it.
Right.
There’s another one.
His name’s Tegason.
And the human wall walking toward him? Who’s that? Some piece of work, huh? So, what does that make it now? Five so far? And these two are bitter enemies.
When they meet, it’s like throwing oil on a raging fire.
Let’s go in there and find out why Ares sent for them.
You could you could put the pinch on one of those bastards and just calm down.
Now, let’s see what happens.
Yuck where were they raised, in a barn? Wait.
Some raging fire.
Look! They’re teaming up.
I’m gonna follow.
Yeah, let’s go in there and start kicking some a Gabrielle, what, did you sleep on a rock again? Go get something to eat and try and relax.
Fishcakes, fishcakes, lovely fishcakes.
Six for a dinar, six for a dinar.
Fishcakes, lovely fishcakes lovely fishcakes, dearie, six for a dinar.
Fishcakes? Would you like one? I’d They’re really good.
They’re good, but a little bony.
Mine are scrumptious,and ten per dinar.
Ten.
Twelve per dinar, dearie.
Twelve.
His are as chewy as seaweed.
Hey, she’s my cust She’s my customer.
I wanna fishcake! No, they’re mine! Lady, I was here first! Put me down! I ordered the lobster! Where’s my fishcake?! All right, where’s my bargain?! Who started this? More warlords? No, them.
Callisto! Spare us! We don’t want any trouble! Her! Forget about her! Me, on the other hand.
Why, I Gabrielle.
Xena, let me go, I can stop ‘em.
You can’t stop everyone come on.
All right! Innocent people turned violent; bloodthirsty warlords on their best behavior.
What’s going on? Barkeep! You got a couple of thirsty customers over here.
See what happens when the god of war takes a holiday? Well, more like, forced retirement.
Hello, Xena Oh what’s the matter? Don’t you recognize an old friend? Ares.
Ares, are you telling me you’re mortal? I don’t believe you.
Humililating, isn’t it? But what self-respecting god of war would do this? That’s great ‘cause I’ve always wanted to slap Get away from me! Pain so that’s what it’s like not so bad, really.
Hah, you like it, huh? Well, there’s plenty more where that came from.
Put some wine on that cloth.
Press it to your cut.
Up you go! Who did this to you? Zeus? All I know is someone stole my sword.
It must have been while I was preoccupied with you and Callisto.
The next thing I know, I’m down here ,exiled ,deposed.
Ah, you’re breaking our hearts.
Gabrielle, give us some room.
OK but if you need any back-up, you yell.
Out of my way! Not usually so contentious, is she? Damnit, I like it! I would’ve switched you back into your old body, but, I lost my sword.
Too bad not that you don’t wear Callisto magnificently.
I just hope she’s being as good to me in Tartarus.
Oh, she’s behaving.
So, who sent for the ten warlords in your name? I don’t know.
But I’m gonna find out.
Who do you have to punch to get a drink around here?! Here, take my invitation.
I don’t want your invitation.
I want you to help me get my godhood back.
And why would I do that? Well, I could put you back into your old body.
Come on Xena, you must miss staring into those baby blues every time you pass a mirror.
My body doesn’t make me who I am.
My deeds do and I don’t plan on letting the god of war back in business.
What is this? Fish fry? Give me the good stuff.
What do you think’s happening to your friend? To these pathetic villagers? Without a sitting god of war, peaceful people have lost the self-discipline to control their anger.
Come on, huh? I rest my case.
Just so you know, you’ve got thirtys.
If that’s true, how come I haven’t lost control? Hmm! That’s the really interesting part.
You see those who have learned to channed their anger, just get more and more focused.
But people who have no experience with violence totally lose it.
Come on, Gabrielle, let’s go.
Good idea.
Oh, you may despise me, Xena.
But a godhood is a sacred trust.
Oh, you’d love to live in a world without war, I know that.
But, without me, you’re about to experience a world without peace for anyone, anywhere.
Now, you just think about that, Xena! What a loser.
Let’s get back to the action.
What do you say? You’re right, you know.
You can’t trust Ares.
Now, here there are many gods on Mt.
Olympus, and there’s got to be one that can help switch you back into your own body.
Of course, you know, he won’t make it, not with those warlords.
Who wouldn’t want to make thier rep by wasting the god of war? Or ex, or otherwise? I hope that it’s slow and painful a taste of his own medicine.
Try and get some sleep.
Who can sleep?! Now, I know what it’s like to be you! It’s it’s exhilirating! Always alert! Ready for a fight! Trouble could break out anytime! Gabrielle, get a grip.
You lose control now and there’s no turning back.
You seem to be controlling yourself pretty well.
I’ve lived with anger longer.
Like it or not, it’s part of me.
Get your hands off me.
Do you remember that poem, ‘Elysian Fields,’ you used to like so much? Every time you feel angry, I want you to recite it.
Elysian fields, calm and green; love-birds singing, so serene.
Gabrielle I didn’t mean right now.
I am boiling mad, right now at you! I’ve got this overwhelming desire to just knock you upside your irritating blonde ! I want you to wait here, tomorrow.
I’m going with Ares.
You’re what? That’s my decision end of discussion.
Get these buckets out of my way, you filthy scum! Yes, sir.
Now we have two invitations.
One small rule Ares insists all weapons be left behind.
What if we’re attacked?! Ares insists! Refuse you don’t sail.
How do we know it’s really Ares that sent for us, anyway? Tell us that! Why not say who I am.
They should pay me the respect I deserve.
You wanna find out who’s behind all of this, I’d keep a low profile, if I were you.
Callisto I’d heard Xena sent you to Tartarus.
Well, as you can see rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated.
I always said Xena was over-rated.
Next time I see her, I’m gonna kick her butt! If anyone’s gonna waste the Warrior Princess, it’ll be me understand? Don’t touch my armor, please.
This is hand-pounded.
What do you want? I heard you were looking for the world’s greatest warrior.
Well here I am.
You’re the greatest, Well, we’ll soon find out.
No, no he’s mine.
I’m glad you’re here now pretend you’re afraid of me and run away.
Why? You can guard the dock once we’re gone.
Just don’t hurt me, Callisto.
Warriors, Ares has prepared a short introduction.
Welcome, I look forward to meeting you all soon.
That is nothing like my voice.
Before sailing it occurs to me the rules I’ve set forth may make sharing close quarters on a crossing a tad uncomfortable.
Let me assure you, the prize at the end of your journey will more than compensate.
You see, I intend to retire, and name my heir.
Yes one of you will become the new god of war.
Naturally, Ares plans on naming me.
Play your hands right, and I’ll choose my liertenants from one of you I still say, why would the god of war strip us of weapons? There’s more to this than meets the eye.
I lost track of my kill count years ago at the siege of Asponica some battle.
I personally smashed the gates at Asponica that blowhard wasn’t even there.
If you think the world has seen bad times before, just wait till one of them gains my mantle.
It couldn’t be anymore heartless than you.
I was born a god imbued with the responsibilities of a god.
No mortal who gains possession can handle the power.
Well, excuse me.
Don’t expect him to say anything.
Last time he met Xena, her chakram severed his voice box.
He had a dirty mouth.
You hate her, don’t you, Callisto? Well, you’ll like this story.
I once beat her so bad, I had her begging for mercy.
I heard she broke your belt with her chakram, and you ran away with your behind showing.
Someday You know, there are certain advantages to being trapped in the skin of a psycho.
If looks can kill, then Callisto has it down to an, ah art.
What is this infernal throbbing in my head?! It’s called a hangover it’s the price we mortals pay for drinking to excess.
And prey, why, is it called a hangover? ’Cause, pretty soon you’re gonna hang your head over that rail? What are you looking at? A pitiful excuse for a warrior.
You and Virgilius never met on the battlefield.
Afraid I haven’t had the pleasure.
He’s awesome committed, decisive, totally ruthless.
He does me proud I’d watch out for him.
Well, I didn’t know you cared, Ares.
You’re so used to pulling everyone’s strings and inflaming their passions.
How does it feel depending on me, of all people? How do you feel? Allying yourself to the best friend and the worst enemy you’ve ever known? What was that?! We’ll find out.
Gabrielle, you sure Xena wants you following her to the island? Of course she does.
Now, just shup up and go over there way over there.
Charming.
There’s only one person I know that would stage a sideshow like this Sisyphus.
I thought Hades had him pushing a rock uphill for eternity.
Yeah, well he’s quite an escape artist.
Greetings, all.
I see a familiar face who wasn’t invited.
But weldome nonetheless, Ares.
He’s Ares.
Then, who are you? An imposter a conjuror with no real powers to fear.
The infamous Callisto what a pleasure it is to finally meet you.
Don’t forget I died and descended into Hades’domain.
I’d say my return is something more than a mere parlor trick.
Over here, everyone! You stole my godhood! True but you’re free to win it back if you can.
My offer is simple.
While escaping from the Underworld, Ares’ sword just _happened to fall into my hands.
Anyone of you may claim it.
In return for providing the new god of war, I shall be granted immortality.
I claim the sword me Virgilius.
Nice try! I’m afraid the powers that-be require a small test a competition.
What kind of competition? A duel to the death at sunrise with that monster out there.
It’s called the Baracchus.
The godhood of war is an object of worship; it shouldn’t be put up as a prize in some silly contest.
Oh, I promise you, defeating that monster won’t be silly.
You’ll all be provided with weapons.
Whoever slays the Baracchus wins Ares’ sword.
It’s that simple.
Nothing’s ever that simple with you, Sisyphus or, so I’ve heard.
Don’t try to look for the sword, Callisto; you won’t find it.
Not that anyone was thinking of leaving, but the boat’s gone.
Ah! That’s it! Joxer can swim back.
That’s from Xena.
You think you can go off with Ares, Joxer? Stop sneaking up on me! Xena told me to guard the dock, and I figured she meant this one.
Now, come on, the castle’s back that way.
The castle is that way.
That was the wind, right? Yeah sounds like it’s hungry.
Six! If somebody kills the Baracchus before me, I don’t even get a turn! Anybody has a better system, let’s hear it.
And what number did you draw, Callisto? Number one.
I’m number two, but I won’t settle for second prize.
Come on, get her later.
Gagnon just moved up another five notches.
A spirited exercise.
Now, I suggest you conserve your energies for tomorrow.
There’s food waiting for you in your rooms upstairs.
This is getting annoying.
We gotta find something to bind that wound.
Come on.
See I told you this drainage pipe would lead right into the castle.
No you wanted to storm the castle.
I wanted to try the drainage pipe.
It was me! Me! Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! You know what? That is so typical of you to say something like that.
What’s the matter with you, anyway?! What is the matter with me is what I might do if you don’t shut up.
It came from that way.
I think we should go this way.
Oh, no! We go that way.
No, no! You’re gonna walk right into the monster! Yes! He’s really rubbing me the wrong way.
Oh, look, the weapons our host promised us how generous.
A dagger and a mace to kill the monster.
It doesn’t take an oracle to see that Sisyphus expects us to use them against each other.
Take your shirt off.
What? Well, you’re in her body but you still have your touch warm, firm, passionate yet, at the same time, gentle.
Now,Callisto she’s all animal.
You know, she starts like a cold fish, but you press the right buttons hold on, it’s quite a ride.
Mind you, my experience with her is rather unique.
She was in your body at the time.
When I get my body back I gotta remember to take a long bath.
You know, when we were downstairs fighting I saw that old sparkle in your eyes, Xena.
Even being in Callisto’s body can’t hide that.
You enjoyed it.
What surprises me is I didn’t.
You know, it’s always come easily, the the bloodlust, the hate this is the first time I’ve had to suffer the consequences.
Spare me, Ares.
You don’t trust me? I can’t blame you, after all I’ve put you through.
But a taste of mortality has really opened my eyes.
And, who knows? Once I regain my sword, maybe things will be different.
A kinder, gentler god of war? We both know that’s not gonna happen.
You changed why not me? I never lied to you, Xena.
deceived, manipulated, but a god need never lie.
But that’s just it, Ares you’re not a god anymore.
So as much as I’d like to believe you even if you believe it all bets’ll be off once you get your godhood back.
And that’s if you do.
I think you might be surprised about the change you can inspire in a man or a god.
So that’s where I put that thing.
Sorry for the interruption.
I trust you’re not looking for an escape route.
No, your sword.
Knowing Sisyphus, he probably has it hidden in plain sight.
Sure you don’t want it for yourself? You’d make a magnificent goddess of war.
Forget it, Ares.
How’d you get to be a god anyway? Don’t they have some sort of character requirements? You miss the point.
For the job I have, my character’s perfect.
You know where you would shine? As goddess of desire.
I said, forget it, Ares.
Well, you’d be back in your old body and get to live forever.
With you? I’d rather die.
This time, I take the feet.
I’ll bet he was happy; he died with his sword in his hands.
Now let’s find your sword.
’Love-birds singing so serene.
We live in peace and love.
Stop doing that.
What did I do? Joxer it pains me to tell you that, all day long, I have fantasized about RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT! You know you don’t have to explain to me what you’re going through.
I understand it completely.
Matter of fact, when I was your age Oh, shut up! Shut up! Hey, it’s just that kind of bloodlust I have to deal with every day on a regular basis.
To live in peace and love like the gentle Whereas, people like you innocent and sweet don’t have that kind of bloodlust.
Whereas, I am the picture of self-control.
Come back here, you little winged thing.
I’m gonna rip your wings off and mash your little body to pie You’ve snapped, haven’t you? Come on! Oh, you want a piece of me? Here, you come one, you worthless piece of a Centaur.
Look let’s not try to kill each other until after I slay the monster, OK? All right but I can’t wait much longer.
Neither can I.
It’s right down this way; just stick with me, you’ll be all right.
Someone’s coming.
When the door opens, attack! There it is.
Now when I open the door, take him by surprise and show no mercy.
We were right they were perfectly matched.
Now, they’re perfectly dead.
Another new experience.
I, uh I guess it’s fear.
No, that’s surprise you’ll know when it’s fear.
Look, Xena, if I don’t survive till morning, you must claim my sword.
I told you, I don’t wanna be a goddess.
Just remember the consequences should it fall to those animals.
I never thought I’d admit it, but you’re the right man for the job.
Too bad ‘Callisto, goddess of war’ has a ring to it or should I say, ‘Xena’? Now, how can you be in Callisto’s body? This must be your doing, Ares.
Well, Xena, I do hope it is you who goes up against the Baracchus.
Oh, and good news two more warlords have dropped out.
Which puts you two steps closer to getting someone else to push that rock in the Underworld.
Isn’t that right? Is that what this so-called contest is really about? No it’s about winners and losers.
Ares, don’t! Thanks for dropping in.
Get me down! Oh, great! Sisyphus, I’m warning you! Xena! Xena! Do something! The walls are closing! Oh! Are you all right? I’ve been hanged, swung over a fire, and nearly shishkabobbed on razor-sharp spikes, yeah! How do you mortals get from day to day?! You know?! Give me the sword! I’m gonna waste that monster.
No, a warrior meve gives up his sword! Oh, knock it off with the warrior crap; now, give me the sword! No!A warrior’s sword is he never gets bored with I can’t stand it anymore! Warrior this, warrior that! All right, what’s Callisto want? Careful, it may be a trap.
It is a trap and Sisyphus has set it.
But we can stop the killing and call a truce.
While you slay the Baracchus and win the sword I don’t think so.
Don’t be fools.
Listen to her.
Behold the once-fearsome Ares Callisto’s new lap-dog.
What a pitiful sight.
Enough talk.
We decided three against two were better odds.
And two against one even better.
Next? I wouldn’t turn my back on your new partner, Virgilius.
You can’t both be the god of war.
Prepare to feel the might of Joxer the Invincible! My sword That’s it?! That’s the Baracchus?! Suck on this toothpick for a while! Somebody’s gonna pay for this.
Look at me, now! If I had my sword, I could settle this in a heartbeat.
I know where Sisyphus hid it.
This is what everyone’s looking for.
Strange this is the first time I’ve had blood on my hands.
Xena use the sword.
Slay Ares before he slays you, and you win.
What about that monster, Sisyphus? The monster’s dead! I killed it! Meet Joxer the new god of war! You may bow.
Gabrielle, Joxer.
What are you doing here? It’s a long story.
Now Xena, are we gonna fight, ‘cause I’m ready.
And I wanna taste blood.
Now, forget the monster, it’s a big noise-making thingamajig like him! Whatever, I conquered it.
Conquer this! OK.
I knew it.
All you ever wanted to do is pit warlord against warlord.
You wanted my sword for yourself, didn’t you? ’Send me ten of the very best warriors,’ Hades said.
Hades! I’m gonna have a word with him when I get back to Olympus.
’When the last dies and replaces you, then, and only then, will you win Ares’ godhood.
’ Ares, duck! You saved me.
I won’t forget.
Yes, you will.
He’s ba-ack.
Sisyphus give my regards to Hades.
I couldn’t have done it without you, Xena.
But as for mortality you can have it.
It’s your loss, Ares.
For a while, you weren’t just mortal you were human.
Wait a minute.
You promised that Xena would get her body back if she helped you.
I did, didn’t I? Wait! You can’t betray her! Come back! Oh, Xena.
So, Ares is back where he belongs.
But you’re still in Callisto’s body.
It’s wrong.
At least people can control their anger again.
Hey! Last one on the boat has to row! Then, why do I still feel like killing him? Xena if Ares doesn’t keep his word, and he doesn’t switch you back I’ll be there for you, no matter whose body you’re in.
Even a snake-haired gorgon monster? I’ll be there; I just won’t look at you.
Gabrielle, I’m proud of you.
You felt the anger but you fought it.
It takes a lot more strength to resist the violence than to surrender to it.
Thank you.
Now, if I can just survive the boat-ride with Joxer, I’ll be fine.
Trust me, you’ll be fine and so will I.
Xena, it’s you, right not Callisto? It’s me.
Go on, test me? Whose bodies are worse being trapped in than Callisto’s? A snake-haired gorgon but not by much.
It is you.