A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

1 [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are hiding In a carnival of freaks Count Olaf is the worst he's been For more than several weeks The lions in the Hinterlands Are hungry and quite fierce There is literally no program You can watch that's any weirse Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [TYPING.]
[TYPEWRITER DINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I'm Larry Your-Waiter.
Deviled egg? Hello, hello, hello! Don't mind if I do.
Don't mind if I do.
The Mamba du Mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the world, which is why I'm training them to send and receive secret messages.
Say something, Dr.
Montgomery.
In the words of a very wise and talkative Tibetan Monk-Snake, "Life is a conundrum of esoterica.
" [CHEERING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Georgina! You're looking fabulous.
How do you get the handsomest dates? It's certainly not because I hypnotize them.
Hypnotizing people is wrong and something I would never do.
Gustav, be a dear and get me something to drink.
Yes, darling.
Oh, Ike, isn't it wonderful? At last, we have a headquarters for our secret organization.
I feel fierce and formidable.
Let's build a house on the edge of a cliff, and let's let's use commas and semicolons with reckless abandon.
- Let's have children.
- What's the thing Marvin Gaye said? "Let's get it on.
" [ALL CHEERING.]
I feel an uneasy sense of creeping dread.
Of course.
Everyone's sipping root beer floats, and my brother's mooning over a girl.
- She should have arrived by now.
- Beatrice can handle herself.
We climbed Mount Fraught with nothing but gum and dessert forks.
- She wasn't afraid.
Even when that eagle - Another float? It won't help.
What if we're wrong? - Finish your drink.
- No group of people, no matter how noble or well-read You never know when a root beer float - can extinguish the fires of the world.
- can solve your problems.
Have you seen a beautiful woman dressed as a dragonfly? - [MAN.]
She's down there.
- [LEMONY.]
Beatrice! [SHOUTING.]
Beatrice! Count Olaf is [SPLATS LOUDLY.]
Alone! Desperate.
Defeated.
These are words I thought I'd never use except when talking about other people.
[TROUPE SCREAMING.]
Darling! Don't you think you ought to slow down? First the Baudelaire orphans escaped my clutches, now one of their parents may still be alive.
Do you know what it feels like to have your life spins out of control, as if driven by the cruel whims of some unpredictable madman? [TROUPE SCREAMING.]
I can't imagine that at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ENGINE REVS.]
- [TROUPE SCREAMS.]
[LEMONY.]
Perhaps you've been lucky enough never to have been stuffed in the trunk of a sinister villain's car.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I experienced a terrible night at a masked ball when a secret message arrived too late to help the woman I loved.
So I know how it feels to have your life spin out of control, driven by the cruel whims of an unpredictable madman.
Which is how the Baudelaires felt in Olaf's car as they wondered where they were headed Where are we headed? We are going to Caligari Carnival.
[LEMONY.]
and what they would do if Olaf decided to open the trunk.
Think you've got problems? I'm never gonna find the sugar bowl in the Hinterlands.
I'm as miserable as the starving lions we just passed.
Let's hope that Madame Lulu can turn things around, or I might just drive this car off a cliff.
[TROUPE SCREAMS.]
Maybe wine will help us relax.
- Yes, Olaf.
Wine.
- Get the fruity Merlot from the trunk.
Drinking and driving? Are you insane? That's reckless.
Then again, I am parched.
But it can wait.
If this Madame Lulu is real, we'll hunt down the surviving Baudelaires and we'll celebrate with all the trunk wine we want.
[WHITE-FACED WOMEN WHIMPER.]
My spirits are lifting already.
[CHUCKLES DEVIOUSLY.]
[ALL CHUCKLING DEVIOUSLY.]
[WHISPERING.]
We're lucky Olaf decided not to drink and drive.
[WHISPERING.]
And this trunk has holes so we can breathe.
We're lucky we climbed in his car to escape the fire.
And Olaf didn't cut off your head.
We've been lucky so far.
Soon this car will reach Calgari Carnival.
If we don't want our luck to run out, we have to figure out what to do.
- [TROUPE SCREAMS.]
- [WHITE-FACED WOMEN WHIMPER.]
We've arrived.
This carnival doesn't look very in.
A rusty roller coaster and a bunch of tents.
Are you sure we're safe here? If the police come, there's no place to hide.
Why do we have to hide? No one comes looking for a dead man, and the Daily Punctilio just put my obituary on the front page.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- "Surprisingly Low Turnout " We have to stay long enough for Madame Lulu to answer our questions.
Where the Baudelaires are hiding.
Is one of their parents still alive? Ask about the sugar bowl.
Why would we believe some woman who lives in a tent? Not just any tent.
Look.
A sign that we're on the right path.
Let's go.
- Could be a sign we're on the wrong - Not a good time.
Welcome.
Welcome to Caligari Carnival.
Madame Lulu has been expecting you.
You've been expecting us? I have vision I receive visit from handsome stranger.
- And his girlfriend? - No, she not in vision.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Coast is clear.
Those must be the Mortmain Mountains.
Mother and Father promised to take us someday.
What if one of our parents did survive the fire? Olaf believes it enough to see a fortune-teller.
I've never read any evidence that fortune-tellers are real.
- This might not be an ordinary one.
- [KLAUS GASPS.]
VFD.
Is that a good or bad sign? We have to find out what she's telling him.
Now, who wants fortune from fortune-teller, please? - Me, me! - I get to go first.
I'm the oldest.
- I'm older.
- I have more experience.
The concept of first seems to problematically be centered around patriarchy.
There is no need for such fighting.
I read fortune for all at one reasonable group rate.
You You have experienced great loss.
- True.
I've lost my hair.
- Your sister, she depends upon you.
[IN UNISON.]
How did she know? You I don't know, there's just a lot going on here.
That's fair.
Your sister, she depend upon you.
[STAMMERS.]
My sister? - You're not real blonde.
- You can't prove that.
An amusing party trick, Lulu.
Any two-bit grifter could guess those things.
Tell me something that only a real fortune-teller would know.
[INHALES.]
I know you were brought here by a series of unfortunate events.
Go on.
[LULU.]
You adopted three orphans, one of whom you tried to marry, till she literally and figuratively escaped your grasp.
You followed them to the home of a herpetologist who you mostly fooled, then eventually killed.
- How could you - You visited a large lake in the off-season where you had an ill-fated romance that ended in betrayal and leeches.
You burned an old flame at an old mill, then returned to school as teacher, where you were underpaid working nights.
- Egad! - You meet a partner in a penthouse, and you murder an old enemy in a murder of crows.
A good man.
A noble man.
His words, they haunt you from beyond the grave, and even hospital visit doesn't make you feel better.
You have set fire after fire, but it's never enough, for time flies like a poison dart and the force of destiny cages us all.
- Wow! - [WHITE-FACED WOMEN EXCLAIM.]
[OLAF BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[SHUDDERING BREATH.]
I can see you live up to your reputation.
We should've come sooner.
Is only small taste of Madame Lulu's power.
I can see that you are a man - with big questions.
- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
And for big answers, you need to be asking of the crystal ball.
I always thought crystal balls were as fake as those eyelashes.
No, no, no.
They are as real as the jewels on your teeny-tiny engagement ring.
- [OLAF EXHALES.]
- How does it work? Oh, is very complicated to explain, please.
- Try me.
- Okay.
Once a day, when spirits call, you may ask one question of the ball and then spirits come in smoke and fire to answer you your heart's desire.
That seems plausible.
It does not! It seems totally believable.
Tell me, my Olaf.
What is your heart's desire? - Ask where we can find the Baudelaires.
- Ask about the sugar bowl.
Well, that's easy.
Lend me your ear, Madame Lulu.
Ooh.
Is just hoop earring, but okay.
Did one of the Baudelaire parents survive the fire? You will have your answer in morning.
- [TROUPE.]
Argh! - The morning? Is how crystal ball works.
Day shift, night shift, like a cannery.
What do we do tonight? We toast.
To getting answers to all of our questions.
[MIMICS LULU.]
At a reasonable group rate.
- [LULU.]
Oh.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Break out the trunk wine! [TROUPE CHEERS.]
[SIGHS.]
What should I do? Should I call her? What if my stepdad picks up? [GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
I wonder if he's still mad at me.
It's uncanny.
Madame Lulu knows everything about us.
Not from that crystal ball.
Fortune-telling may not be real, but she got her information somewhere.
She may know if one of our parents survived.
- [BABBLES.]
- We can't wait until morning, Sunny.
Olaf could spot us any second.
Plus, there's a pack of hungry lions.
[LIONS ROARING.]
The carnival is hiring for its House of Freaks.
If we got jobs, we'd be able to find out what Lulu knows and how.
We don't look like carnival freaks.
I have an idea.
I see face paint.
And clothing that's too big for us.
[BABBLES.]
[SLURRING.]
I thought by now I'd have all the trunk wine I wanted.
You know, Mama told me I'd be a star.
- You never talk about your mother.
- She wasn't my mother.
That's the woman who owned the houseboat.
- [SNIFFS.]
- We agreed that by age 28, I would live in a castle made of success, just reading my own glowing theatrical reviews in a bed full of money.
You know, happy.
- This is fascinating story, my Olaf.
- Your Olaf? But is bedtime, please.
Crystal ball needs rest before giving you big magic spirit answer in morning.
What's in that big, mysterious armoire? Stay away from Caligari Cabinet, please.
[THUD IN DISTANCE.]
Did you hear something? Who could that be at this hour? Hmm.
Is probably pack of starving lions.
Come out, come out, whatever you are.
[GASPS.]
You [SUNNY GROWLS.]
Who, please, are you? [AS BEVERLY.]
We're three two freaks.
We saw your ad.
We're looking for work.
You certainly are hideous with those two heads.
Too late for interview.
Come back in morning.
Nonsense! Auditioning is one of my specialties.
Lulu, let me tease No, torment Mmm.
Interview these freaks for your carnival show.
This way.
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY.]
[LEMONY.]
Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or receiving news your worst enemy has been awarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview.
- What did you say your names were? - Uh, we didn't.
[LEMONY.]
From the moment you introduce yourself I'm Beverly.
This is my other head, Elliot.
[LEMONY.]
you're participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister.
Must be difficult, having two heads.
It's very difficult.
You can't imagine how hard it is to find clothes.
I noticed your shirt.
I've got one just like it, not as dirty obviously.
It's very in.
We care about fashion.
- Aw.
- Do you have trouble eating? Yeah.
[TROUPE CHUCKLES.]
You may be asked to perform some meaningless task - you're in no position to refuse.
- Well, I - Let's see how much trouble you have.
- Oh.
Here, eat this ear of corn, you two-headed freak.
[TROUPE LAUGHING.]
You are likely to be watched carefully, and you will likely pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are.
- Look at them! - They can't even eat an ear of corn! [IN UNISON.]
How freakish! [LEMONY.]
And you are likely to be evaluated, which here means tested over and over for no reason other than your own embarrassment.
Pick the corn up off the table, freak.
[LEMONY.]
The worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployed across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning, or whether you are hired, and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.
That is the funniest job interview I have ever seen! You must hire these freaks at once, Lulu.
Audiences love sloppy eating.
Trust me, I know.
- [GROWLS.]
- What is that? Oh, some sort of feral infant.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ROARS.]
- Ahhh! That is Chabo the Wolf Baby.
Her mother, a hunter, fell in love with a wolf.
That's their child.
I didn't know that was possible.
[GASPS.]
Ooh, it might be funny to watch her eat corn, too.
Here, Chabo! - Ahhh! [GRUNTING.]
- [GROWLING.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
- She's a bit wild.
- [GROWLS.]
People are always liking of the violence.
Yes, Chabo is hired, too.
Starting at show tomorrow, Beverly and Elliot will eat corn and little wolf freak will attack audience.
- [CHABO GROWLS.]
- Questions? Of course they don't.
They're lucky to have work.
Without this carnival, they'd be working in human resources with the rest of the freaks.
[CHUCKLES.]
You are as right as you are handsome, my Olaf.
- Handsome? - Is business term, please.
Wolfie, two-headed thing, report to House of Freaks, where work accommodations will be provided.
Also health insurance, although nearby hospital is how you say - Burned down.
- Out of network.
Off you go.
Unless you're still hungry.
There's plenty of corn.
[CHUCKLES DEVIOUSLY.]
We'll eat them like normal people, but you freaks just aren't like us.
[CHANTING.]
Not like us! Not like us! Not like us! Not like us! - Not like us! Not like us! - [MAN.]
One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! Don't shout, Hugo.
We can see them.
I'm just excited.
It's not every day we get new colleagues.
We got a new Madame Lulu.
Quiet.
You're disrupting my meditation exercise.
I was visualizing a world where there was nothing wrong with me.
Unlike this world, where I'm a hideous freak.
- Popcorn? - We don't like corn anymore.
Not surprised you have no appetite.
You have it almost as bad as I do.
I'm used to people staring.
Because of your pleasant facial features? And your symmetrical jawline? It's nice you pretend not to notice.
The popcorn? I'm holding it in two equally strong hands.
Go ahead.
Say it.
"Look at Kevin, the ambidextrous freak.
" [ELLIOT.]
Ambidextrous? Isn't that both right- and left-handed? You have heard of me.
That why you traveled to the Hinterlands? So you can stare at someone who can write his name with either hand? I just know what ambidextrous means.
I had a feeling you'd be smart.
You have twice as many brains.
It's better than being a hunchback.
Your heads and hands might be freaky, but at least you have absolutely normal shoulders.
What good are normal shoulders attached to hands that are equally good at using a knife and a fork? Oh, Kevin, I know it's depressing to be so freakish, but at least you're better off than I am.
My name is Colette.
If you're going to laugh, get it over with.
I don't blame you for laughing at a contortionist.
- Contortionist? - I can bend my body into all sorts of unusual positions.
[BONES CREAK.]
You see? I'm a complete freak.
[BABBLES.]
I think that's amazing.
So does Sunny.
I mean Chabo.
That's polite of you.
But I'm ashamed to be a contortionist.
Why don't you move your body normally instead of doing contortions? Because I'm in the House of Freaks.
Nobody would pay to see me move normally.
[HUGO.]
It's a dilemma.
At tomorrow's show, crowds will be waiting for Colette to twist into strange positions, for Kevin to write his name with both hands, and for me to try on one of these coats.
Well, you don't have to do that.
None of you have to do any of that.
You sound like the old Madame Lulu.
She was encouraging us to apply to community college.
Even offered to pay our tuition.
But the world would see us as freaks.
What other jobs could we have? I'll go pop this popcorn for the concession stand.
I need to twist these pipe cleaners into finger puppets to sell in the gift caravan.
I'd better get back to overseeing marketing and brand management.
If you don't mind pitching in, you could pick sequins out of that laundry.
They get everywhere.
Oh, it's a tough world out there.
We freaks have to stick together.
[BABBLES.]
[AS VIOLET.]
Nobody deserves to be ridiculed, on stage or off.
[AS KLAUS.]
I feel bad that we have to lie to them.
It's the only way to get answers from Lulu.
If we can trust her.
Did you notice something strange about her? Everything is strange about her.
[SIGHS.]
I feel like we've seen her before.
Good night, my Olaf! - My Olaf.
- [OLAF SNICKERS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Does not matter.
Have wonderful sleepings, and in the morning you'll have big important answer to your big important question.
Good night.
- I'm fine.
I can walk.
- [ESMÉ.]
You can't.
- [OLAF.]
Look.
Look.
- Darling, you can't walk.
It's me.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WITHOUT ACCENT.]
It's me.
We have a complication.
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
No.
No.
Oh, no.
It's way worse than that.
What do you know about the survivor of the fire? [ROOSTER CROWS.]
[ESMÉ.]
I don't trust that Madame Lulu.
She's a witchy woman in the Hinterlands who runs a carnival.
- What's not to trust? - Her accent sounds fake.
Your accent sounds fake.
If she's so good at fortune-telling, why does she live here instead of having her own show in the city? I tried that for nine years.
Look where it got me.
- I don't like how she looks at you.
- Darling.
When I was on stage, or occasionally in several minimum security penitentiaries, strange women would offer me things all the time.
Flowers, tasteful photographs, marriage proposals.
Some were wealthy.
Rich dowagers enchanted by my roguish charm with no head for estate planning.
And did I accept? That's not the point.
You saw what that fortune-teller can do.
She can tell us everything we need.
All we have to do is butter her up.
You know [CLEARS THROAT.]
like an ear of corn.
We'll stay a few days.
Put the troupe to work.
And then, when she's buttered [SNORTS.]
One squirt or two? I'll come with you.
No, no, no.
You stay here and finish your portrait.
- [EXHALES.]
- Darling? Darling! Got the nose all wrong.
[AS LULU.]
Like baby goat, we begin in darkness.
I'm glad we're all alone, Lulu.
I have so many very big questions.
If you could convince the spirits to knock out a few in a row, I'd be inclined to give you a special reward.
[SHUDDERS.]
First we discuss matter of payment.
Payment? Like money? Caligari Carnival is on hard times.
Madame Lulu is thinking brand-new show starring very famous actor - I'll do it.
- Ah, very good.
Now we call upon the spirits.
[INHALES.]
Spirits! I'm not [SHUDDERS.]
Did you feel a chill? It's spirits arriving.
- Whose spirits are they? - Ghosts from your past.
Does this make you nervous? Who, me? I have no secrets and nothing to hide.
Good.
Magic is very fragile thing, like dragonfly.
Or woman in dragonfly costume.
- How did you know? - [LULU.]
Spirits know everything.
You come to Madame Lulu to ask about survivor of Baudelaire fire, and Madame Lulu has your answer.
[OLAF YELLING.]
No! Five minutes! Five minutes till show time! One of us! One of us! Welcome to the House of Freaks.
Do you juggle or I'm a normal person with hooks for hands.
I envy you.
Which hook do you favor? Would you care for some muesli? - I can't eat muesli.
- Don't be silly.
We could use a welding gun to attach a spoon I can't, because I'm running around following orders.
You freaks better put on a fantastic show, because the boss is in a bad mood.
Madame Lulu told him one of those Baudelaire parents is alive! [GRUNTS.]
It's a miracle! [LEMONY.]
Miracles are like meatballs.
Nobody can agree what they're made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.
- Humph.
- [AS BEVERLY.]
What did you say? "Humph," an expression of mild disgust.
- About the Baudelaires.
- What do you care? [AS ELLIOT.]
We've been reading about them.
We're very interested in those children.
Who are obviously innocent.
A person might say a sunrise is a miracle, though it happens every day and too early in the morning.
Those parents are supposed to be dead, but Madame Lulu looked in her crystal ball and saw one of them survived.
Somebody else might say that leaping successfully from a train is a miracle, though that happens every day and too early in the morning.
There's a survivor? Where? The ball wouldn't say.
Madame Lulu said we'd have to wait until morning because it's a different question.
I wouldn't bring that up.
It's a sore spot.
Did he tell you how it worked? He said the tent got cold, filled with smoke and fire, and he saw a ghost from the past.
You know, magic.
- [AS KLAUS.]
We have no idea if it's true.
- [AS VIOLET.]
If it is? [BABBLES.]
Then we have to know how Lulu gets her information.
We have to sneak into her tent.
Another similarity shared by a miracle and a meatball: they both might appear to be one thing and turn out to be another.
This could happen at a gathering of a secret society, particularly if it's held at a second-rate Italian restaurant.
It happened to the Baudelaires when they were hoping to find a miracle in Madame Lulu's tent.
You freaks ready for the big show? Instead, they found something far worse.
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Buy some popcorn! It hasn't been sitting out since last night! Soda! Healthy soda! I'm selling this precooked hot dog I found on the ground.
[WHISPERING.]
If one of our parents really did survive, where are they? Why aren't they trying to find us? [WHISPERING.]
Maybe they've been searching everywhere but can't find us 'cause we keep moving.
We should stay put and figure out as much as we can.
Without getting recognized.
You freaks better put on a good show.
My boyfriend told me if you don't, I can hit you with my tagliatelle grande.
What's a tagliatelle grande? [AS ELLIOT.]
Tagliatelle is an Italian noodle.
And grande is Italian for big.
That's right, though nobody asked you.
This is a big noodle I had the troupe whip up to use as a whip.
Italian food is in, but getting whipped with it is often damp and uncomfortable.
How's the noodle working? - Delicious.
How's the crowd? - [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Uh, well, it's, um It's a matinee.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, adolescents of every gender! Buy your reasonably-priced concessions now, because the House of Freaks show is about to begin! Look at those freaks! A man with hooks instead of hands! I'm not a freak.
I'm playing the calliope.
Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks Prepare to see some people With some very odd physiques Sit back, my friends Relax, my friends The show is quite informal 'Cause when you see these folks You will be grateful that you're normal Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks Let's bring out the strangest folks You've seen in weeks The first one is a man I think you're going to love a bunch He may have normal shoulders But this poor guy has a hunch Look at him.
The hunch is caused by a spinal abnormality.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Spines! Get dressed, Hugo! Isn't it hilarious? He can't put on a coat.
Can someone help him? Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks You'll never find such weirdos In the oddest of boutiques You've seen one freak so far So let's dish up another portion A girl whose body Does a freaky thing we call contortion She looks normal.
Only to the untrained eye.
If by "untrained" we mean, "never having seen this person do these particular things.
" - Wow.
That's actually - [OLAF.]
Look at her.
Imagine being next to that at yoga.
How humiliating.
For her.
Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks Are you feeling scared? Well, be prepared for tears and shrieks Something shocking's coming up And, yes, I'm being candid Our next freak is someone Who is neither right- or left-handed - Is he - He's ambivalent.
- What? - Ambiguous.
- "Ambidextrous.
" - Ambidextrous! Write your name, Kenneth.
- It's Kevin.
- Yep.
Ladies and gentlemen, his signatures are basically identical.
[IN UNISON.]
I've never seen two things as identical as that.
That is freakish.
Right? Now, avert your eyes, unless you're brave enough to handle the sight of a man shaving with two hands.
I apologize if this is too shocking for any of the children in the crowd.
Oh! That was humiliating, - so I guess it went well.
- Yup.
That means we're next.
You are going to love our next act.
But first, how about a hand for our ringmaster? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks Open up your peepers wide And get your freaky peeps These freaks you'll all remember As you lie there in your bed 'Cause one's a half-wolf baby And the other has two heads You heard my boyfriend.
Get out there! Unless you want pasta scars.
Behold.
Corn! Something every normal person can eat.
Can you eat corn, normal person? I prefer asparagus.
I mean delicious corn.
These brand-new freaks will turn these ears of corn into a hideous mess, while one of them more or less growls.
- [ESMÉ SPEAKS INAUDIBLY.]
- [OLAF.]
Please laugh, make tasteless jokes and purchase beverages to throw at the heads of Beverly and Elliot and Chabo the Wolf Baby! - Come on, I wanna see corn eaten badly.
- Yeah.
Eat the damn corn.
No one needed to witness the horrible and humiliating scene that followed.
[BEVERLY AND ELLIOT CHEWING.]
Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks I said, welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks Bring it home now Welcome, welcome, welcome To the House of Freaks - [AS KLAUS.]
That was horrible.
- [AS VIOLET.]
Humiliating.
People think it's funny when someone drops corn.
They should drop it.
Every moment we're being laughed at, we could be finding out what Lulu knows.
[BOTH SIGH.]
- We have to get to that tent.
- That was horrible.
That was humiliating.
It's bad enough I have to kill time in a carnival waiting for mystical spirits to solve my problems.
But I make the best of it.
I give one of my greatest performances, and there's hardly anyone in the audience.
There were three people.
I tell you Caligari Carnival is on hard times.
Is not good business model to have carnival in Hinterlands.
The roller coaster is on the What's the word, fritz.
And frankly, roving pack of starving lions really cuts down on tourist trade.
I didn't give up a glamorous theatrical career to be performing to nearly-empty houses.
You gave it up to chase those orphans.
They're not orphans if one parent is still alive! Spirit world will be answering all your questions very soon, please.
My Olaf must have patience.
I'm tired of patience.
If you want a mule to move, you can reward it with a carrot or you can hit it with a stick.
I want answers to my questions, and I want an audience worthy of my greatness.
I need to find a way to fill the stands with adoring crowds, and yet remind certain people that I am a force to be feared and obeyed.
But what could possibly do that? Maybe I can beat two mules with one stick.
I need to run an errand.
I need all of you to dig a pit.
My Olaf is leaving? Yes.
To get you a gift.
- What kind of gift? - Not any of my bracelets.
- It's a surprise.
[KISSES.]
- Mmm.
I need to borrow this.
- What are you freaks looking at? - [GROWLS.]
[AS BEVERLY.]
We're wondering if you had any notes on our performance.
One of your heads was good.
- What do you think he's planning? - [AS VIOLET.]
Nothing good.
But it gives us an opportunity.
Come on.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Come with me.
Tell me what you think of my dress.
We don't have much time.
Esmé won't be able to keep Madame Lulu distracted forever.
Olaf said the tent got cold, filled with smoke, then he saw ghosts.
- How do you explain that? - Not with magic.
Maybe the ribbon Sunny gave me will help me think.
The cooling air could be carbon dioxide converting to gas in a dry ice machine.
That would explain the temperature change and smoke.
[BABBLES.]
I've heard of illusions using the projector and a prismatic lens.
If the crystal ball is the lens - [KLAUS.]
The projector must be underneath.
- Exactly.
The images come through to look like spirits.
Lulu's using technology to make people believe it's magic.
She told Olaf all about us.
How'd she know all that? The Daily Punctilio.
Then she's a fraud, and she doesn't know if one of our parents is alive.
I'm sorry, Klaus.
I wanted a miracle, too.
It can't all be fake.
There has to be something here that isn't just just smoke and mirrors.
In the words of a very wise Uncle Monty.
- life is a conundrum of esoterica.
- Of esoterica.
- I miss him.
- Me, too.
Aunt Josephine, dancing.
[VIOLET.]
She looks so happy.
And brave.
Let's dance.
Oh, excuse me.
I can't see without my glasses.
- [VIOLET.]
Dr.
Orwell.
- Well, she's gone now, too.
So many people in this film are dead.
It's like watching ghosts from the past.
- Why does Lulu have this? - Because they're all connected.
VFD has something to do with Jacques Snicket, our parents, our guardians.
And Olaf and the Quagmires.
- [SIGHS.]
And us.
- And Madame Lulu.
Maybe she does know about our parents.
We haven't searched that cabinet yet.
- It's like a secret library.
- Those disguises look like Olaf's.
- They can't be.
His are in his car.
- They're just part of the same kit.
- It says, "Various fakery disguises.
" - More VFD.
[VIOLET.]
More films.
They'll eat your feet They'll munch on your head That's the movie we watched with Monty.
You're a tasty What I want people to take away from my films are the themes, the characters and the secret For example, my character might say, "Deborah, please return my end table.
" But look through the spy glass, and you see the word "Department.
" When meeting a volunteer, you may determine their allegiance - with the use of a code phrase.
- Jacques Snicket.
"The world is quiet here.
" That was in Duncan's commonplace book.
With the loss of our best lion tamer and her husband, the Volunteer Feline Detectives have escaped into the Hinterlands.
Jacquelyn? "Young lady, have you been good to your mother?" Now, that code means run away, your house is on fire.
Larry, our waiter.
Secretary disguise.
Boat Captain disguise.
Bride disguise.
Detective disguise.
Arsonist disguise.
It is the disguise kit.
These files contain a report on the tragic events - Who's that? - He looks like Jacques.
at Stain'd-by-the-sea, which had to wait until now to be told due to respect for the surviving parties and copyright law.
Let's get a smile from the newlyweds.
Both sets of you.
Ready? Three, two, one Gorgonzola! - [VIOLET.]
Our parents.
- Our guardians.
They were part of the same organization.
- A secret organization - That uses codes.
- And disguises.
- And put out fires.
There's a name for a volunteer organization that puts out fires.
Volunteer.
- Fire.
- Department.
- Volunteer.
- Fire.
[BABBLES.]
[IN UNISON.]
VFD.
I know your little secret.
I don't understand, please, what Mrs.
Squalor is saying.
It's Ms.
Squalor.
Drop the accent.
It doesn't fool me.
I know who you are.
Of course you do.
I am Madame Lulu, fortune-teller at Caligari Carnival.
And I am Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor.
Don't treat me like some school librarian who just stepped off the trolley.
[LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY.]
That pathetic makeup.
That ludicrous wig.
- I know what you're doing.
- And what, please, is that? You're trying to steal my boyfriend! [CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY.]
What? No.
[GAGS.]
Please, I do not know what you are talking about, please.
- Please.
- That's what I said.
It's bad enough I've been dragged all over, and there are no in restaurants, no in boutiques.
I'm forced to make my own dress out of a few scraps of tent.
I will not be thrown over for a carny.
Stay away from my boyfriend, or I don't know what I'll do.
Hmm.
It is impossible to know what any of us will do in the future, because it is impossible to know the future.
A crystal ball cannot predict how a dragonfly might set off an avalanche by flapping its wings or a woman in a dragonfly costume will set off a series of unfortunate events by stealing a sugar bowl.
- [SIGHS.]
Lulu could be back any second.
- We better hurry.
But there is one thing I do know.
The Baudelaires' lives were about to be changed by a surprising arrival.
- You! - [GROWLS.]
[SIGHS.]
[WITHOUT ACCENT.]
You.
Who are you? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
An old friend, Baudelaires.
[BOTH GASP.]
[BABBLES.]
I'm glad we've found each other.
[BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[LEMONY.]
As I said, the Baudelaires' lives were about to be changed by a surprising arrival.
The surprising arrival was a pack of starving lions.
And this story is about to get much, much worse.
[ROARING.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]