Abbott Elementary (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Has anyone seen the other half
of my tuna melt?
I was gonna eat it for dinner.
- It's not in the fridge?
- No. It was,
but now it's filled
with these eye masks?
Don't touch those. They're for
my next shipment for my customers.
Those bad boys stay cool
for 11 hours on the face.
And that's the Ava "Cold-man" guarantee.
Well, where's my sandwich?
Over on the window sill with
the milk and the mayonnaise.
JANINE: Oh.
How long has it been sitting in the sun?
I don't know. I'm not a weatherman.
Janine, I've told you
my Zimbabwe tapeworm story
enough times for you to know
not to eat that, right?
Jacob, you can just say
"tapeworm story."
We know where you were.
Well, good, 'cause
it's relevant to the story.
[DOOR OPENS] Hey, Ava!
Thanks for using all the printer paper
- to make your dumb fliers.
- AVA: Don't thank me.
Thank the trees that
laid down their lives.
They're the heroes.
Ava Cold-man's Pop Out Pop-Up:
The Mask Stays On?
The hell even is this?
A-Another pyramid scheme?
It's only a scheme if you're
at the bottom of the pyramid,
and obviously I'm a top.
They're for my launch party.
The future is eye masks.
The future is gonna be unemployment
if you don't quit scamming the school.
I mean, at least replace the paper.
I had to print a test
for my kids for tomorrow.
All y'all do is complain. Damn!
"Ava hogging the refrigerator.
Ava used all the printer paper.
Ava forgot to sign
our paychecks last week."
You forgot to sign our paychecks?!
Yes! Why do I have to say things twice?
Look, you teachers only have
one class to worry about.
I have a whole school.
Do you ever hear me complain?
- Literally all the time.
- And I deserve to.
My job is really hard.
I don't see any of y'all
trying to be principal!
You know what?
This is actually pretty good.
The sun heated it up for me.
Nature's microwave.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
"Eye mask smelled like old
fridge and stale condiments,
but I'll still buy again."
Okay. I'll take that.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Ugh.
"Reduced puffiness."
I'm about to retire from this bitch.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] Ugh!
"Gave me freezer burn."
Must be user error.
[CELLPHONE RINGS] [GROANS]
What do you want?
I'm not doing jury duty.
Ava, it's Janine. Do you not
have my number saved?
Of course not.
What if I meet a better Janine?
Okay, look, I might be
a little bit late.
That tuna melt you left out,
it's, um, not sitting well.
Get to the point, Janine. Wrap it up!
Oh, God. Please don't do that
with your phone.
Ohh. [VOMITS]
Well, sounds like you got it all out.
- I'll see you in an hour.
- Oh, no. Wait.
I think, um I think I might, uh
I don't think I'm gonna
be able to come in today.
So dramatic. Next time, start with that.
Look, I have a binder
I keep for subs. It has ev
Venus, call in a sub
for Ms. Teagues' class.
Preferably male. 6'2 ", 6'3" in boots.
A Gregory Eddie type.
Headshots if you got 'em.
Ava, there's a county-wide sub shortage.
It was in the memo
the district sent last week.
What? I have no record of that.
It says, "Attention Principal Coleman."
- "Urgent. Must Read."
- They all say that.
This one says you should have
a backup plan!
Well, I hope you have a backup
plan talking to me like that,
'cause you're fired.
She fires me once a week.
[FAINT BUZZING]
It's so quiet, you can hear
the fluorescent lights.
It is such a magical morning.
- You could hear a wig drop.
- Hm.
[DOOR OPENS] Janine has food poisoning!
- Ah. And there it is.
- That's it.
- That's why it's so quiet in here.
- Uh-huh.
I mean, that's so sad about Janine.
I know.
[TASHA SIGHS] Oh, hey, Tasha.
Hey. Just wanna sit here
and decompress, you know?
- Rough ride in?
- No.
I just you know,
I used to love sitting here
until a certain Cathy got a
little too chatty for my tastes.
Well. [CHUCKLES] Well,
"Cathy" is a hilarious comic strip,
and Janine is a hilarious coworker.
I think the word "hilarious"
is doing a lot of work
in that sentence.
[LAUGHTER] Okay, guys, guys.
Janine puts gas in
the conversation tank, okay?
She She starts the dialogue engine.
Well, I like to live my life
by the acronym WAIT
Why Am I Talking?
- [LAUGHS]
- Yes.
MELISSA: Yeah!
See, I wish my boyfriend
lived by that during the game.
I'd quit chucking the remote
at his head.
[LAUGHS]
What?
Hey, girl. I know the last time
you subbed at Abbott
somebody stole your Invisalign,
but we are desperate.
Can you come in?
I'm already here.
For Mr. Morton.
Then why am I using my minutes on you?!
Get off the phone! Teach your class!
Morning. Take your jackets off.
I need to borrow Ashley
to sub for the day.
Oh, she's already covering
for Ms. McGuinness.
But I don't think Ashley knows
what geometry is.
I saw her in the hallway
with a bunch of rocks.
Agh!
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hey, I don't know your name,
but it looks like you don't
have a class right now,
so I'm gonna need you
to cover for Ms. Teagues.
Ava, that's my student.
I don't know what AAU coach lied to you,
but this is a grown-ass Damn it!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Mr. Johnson, we need you to sub again.
And this time, don't tell them
that there's a colony of
lizard people living
underneath the Denver Airport.
I thought we were here to educate.
But I can't sub. Janitorial emergency.
MR. JOHNSON: The emergency is
I don't feel like it right now.
I feel a lot better, actually.
Yeah, I've calmed down the tuna sweats,
and I managed to get my work clothes on.
Most of them. [EXHALES HEAVILY]
I have never missed a day of work.
Even when Tariq gave me
a migraine from playing
"Call of Duty" for 48 hours
straight, I still went in.
He said that
if the good guys do nothing,
then the terrorists win.
My kids have a spelling test today.
[STOMACH GURGLES]
It's gonna take a lot more than
a bacteria sandwich to stop me.
[STOMACH GURGLES]
Okay. Stomach's just
a little bit rumbly still.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mnh.
Could you just turn the cameras
off for a little bit, please?
Thank you!
Okay. Red and yellow
make what color, class?
Hi, Trinity!
What are you doing out of class?
We have recess now. Can Jason come play?
It's 8:30. Who said
you could have recess?
[STUDENTS GIGGLING]
[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Janine, your kids are
My eyes are up here, Mr. Eddie.
I was expecting, uh
I've played out this very
scenario in my head many times.
Okay, y'all. I get it.
Ms. Teagues is gone today,
and we are all very excited about that,
but you have got to stay in this room.
Other than that, do whatever you do.
You don't bother me,
and I won't bother you.
Filling in for Ms. Teagues?
It's no Christopher Wallace. No Biggie.
Can we have some stickers?
What do I care? Go nuts.
Need anything else, ask each other.
It takes a village and whatnot.
Yes!
Why y'all following me?
That's the story time chair.
Well, now it's the chair I'm using
to hack into Chet Hanks' Instagram.
You know he don't have
two-step verification.
What about this book?
No! This one!
How about y'all read
whatever you want, alone?
[CELLPHONE RINGS, WARBLES]
Who is it?
Just create my contact.
Ugh. What do you want?
Look, Gregory texted that
you were covering for me,
but I'm pretty sure
the medicine is just making me
hallucinate that, right?
No, Janine, once again I am your savior.
Your kids are acting
really weird, by the way.
They've been hanging
around you too much.
Listen to me very carefully.
In the bottom drawer of my desk
is a binder I made in case I need a sub.
It has everything you need
to get through the day.
- Just follow the binder, Ava.
- Uh-huh.
And it's Friday, so you've gotta
give them their spelling test.
Promise me you will
give them that test, Ava.
Okay. I get it.
If it happens, it happens.
And if it doesn't, you'll
just do it when you get back.
No, no, no, no.
They're expecting it today.
They studied for it.
It's all printed out.
All you have to do
is help them through it.
Just remember, everything
you need is in the binder,
and you can just call me
if you need anything.
I don't have your number.
Ava [CELLPHONE WARBLES]
[CHUCKLES]
So, I just gave up on finding it.
- It's not my problem.
- Amen to that.
Even the good Lord rested
on the seventh day.
And you know what?
Giving up is underrated.
Tanking is how the Sixers
got Joel Embiid.
Ow! [INHALES SHARPLY]
[GROANS] Of course
our coffee maker leaks.
You know, if Janine was here,
she would not only fix
that coffee maker,
she'd give you aloe for the burn.
Yeah, and then we'd
have to have 17 meetings
so we could discuss how
getting burnt made us feel.
Hm!
And then, before she'd fix the problem,
she would find five more
and make it worse.
MELISSA: Yes.
Wow, excuse her
for reaching for solutions.
Ah. Here's my solution
Sounds like a Mr. Johnson problem.
This girl gets it.
Tasha, we were thinking about
going out for lunch today.
Would you like to join us?
Uh, okay.
Alright, then.
JACOB: I don't like it.
She comes in here.
She sits in Janine's spot.
I mean, that's just, like, spitting
in the face of teacher code.
Oh, and then, all of a sudden,
they have room for a third at lunch?
Do you know how many times
they've told Janine
that their restaurant
refuses to seat tables of three?
[TOILET FLUSHES] [SIGHS]
[STOMACH GURGLING]
[AVA SIGHS]
"First of all, good morning."
Ugh. Shut up, Janine.
"Step one, write the date on the board."
And get my hands all chalky? No.
"Step two, turn on the lights."
Now, what kind of idiot wouldn't
immediately turn on the
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
I was just about to do that.
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
Now, I was the last one in here,
so that was on y'all.
Okay. "Step three.
Play this DVD"?
Where the hell
she get this from? Blockbuster?
[GIGGLES]
[DISC DRIVE CLACKS]
Hi, students. It's me, Ms. Teagues.
And if you're watching this,
it means it's too late for me.
[STUDENTS GASP]
To come in today.
Nobody wants to see some creepy
ghost Janine crawl through that screen.
Good Lord, Janine.
No wonder you ain't got
no friends. [CHUCKLES]
Boring.
Not gonna do that. That's dumb.
Oh! Here we go. "Step eight,
play my creativity mix while they draw."
Now, music I can get with.
But not these Kidz Bop beats.
[KEYBOARD CLACKS]
You said that I've been
actin' different, yeah ♪
Funny how I finally
flipped the script on ya ♪
Alright, kids, time to take
your spelling test.
We didn't finish story time!
You didn't even write the date
on the board!
Why do you need to know the date?
You got a meeting later?
Use your imagination.
Just take the test.
I am never having kids.
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
♪♪
Uh, a-alright, now, um,
everybody turn to the other side
of your math sheets.
Mr. Eddie! I can't even
hear myself think!
Yeah.
Don't leave no pieces ♪
Damn. More frostbite face?
That's not good.
Ava, can you turn the music down?
- Wait. It's the hook.
- Yeah ♪
While I'm up cleaning ♪
Boy, please, ooh, I don't need you ♪
[MUSIC SHUTS OFF]
Now run along.
My kids are taking a test.
Oh, so you're actually
doing the lesson plan?
Of course I am. And I'm
making it look effortless.
- Why'd you draw the Babadook?
- That's my mom!
You weren't supposed to draw at
all. Why didn't you take the test?
You played music.
Music means we get to draw.
Ms. Teagues says
music enhances crea-divity.
Looks effortless.
Who's watching your kids, Mr. Eddie?
When is Ms. Teagues coming back?
Yeah, I miss Ms. Teagues.
Well, Ms. Teagues thought
a soggy tuna melt
was more important than you,
so you got an upgrade.
You're not good at this.
You know what? I don't need this.
Insidious, you got Ms. Teagues'
phone number?
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
I took some medicine.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
Imodium
melatonin
Pepto Bismol
and something Erika brought back
from Mexico.
[CELLPHONE BUZZING]
And I'm feeling better already.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm pretty sure "Space Jam" was
based on a true story, though,
and they just don't want you to know.
[CHUCKLES]
Mmm!
I said it's non-refundable!
You need to get your ears
and eyes checked.
Uh, Ava, what are you doing?
Damage control.
My eye masks are giving people
freezer burn,
and they're leaving bad reviews.
And you're just ditching Janine's class?
I'm not ditching. I'm pivoting.
Besides, those kids are unhinged.
I'm done with teaching.
Time to throw in the towel.
And I'm the towel.
I'm your sub, Mr. Johnson.
Have any of you ever flown
into Denver Airport?
Or have a fondness for lizards
the size of humans?
Anybody?
- S-So you're just quitting?
- MR. JOHNSON: Go on, now.
Quitting? This class isn't my problem.
Did you at least get them
to retake their tests?
Who cares? They can take it
on Monday. It's just one day.
Ava, that's what I thought
when I was a sub,
that just one day
wouldn't matter, but it does.
Janine works really hard to
prepare them for these tests.
And it's important that the kids
see their progress, okay?
They're second graders.
Every day matters in school.
If not, they'll just fall behind.
Well, falling behind is great.
You get to walk at your own pace
and talk and nobody's shushing you.
Did you at least do everything
in the binder?
Damn. You know about her
little nerd binder, too?
Parts of it. Some of it was dumb.
Like putting the date on the board.
You didn't put the date on the board?
It's the start of their routine.
No wonder they're unmoored.
Stop using fake words.
Ava, the date is how
they start every day.
It's important. It's a process.
There's a reason why we build a routine.
Each step builds upon the last.
- Like a Beyoncé playlist.
- Sure.
You wouldn't put "Love on Top"
in front of "Church Girl."
Look, we work really hard
to build a curriculum,
and I know it's boring,
but tomorrow you can get
right back to making TikToks or
whatever else it is that you do.
But today we need your help.
They just need you
for a few more hours
and for you to follow everything
that's in that binder.
I hear what you're saying.
I just have one question.
Mm-hmm.
Does school end at 2:30 or 3:00?
Let's be safe and say 3:00.
Where are you going? Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Why build an airport
25 miles from the city
if you aren't trying to hide anything?
Alright, Man in Black,
I'm tappin' back in.
Now go home and tell your
parents what I taught you, kids.
It starts with you.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, class. Let's do this.
"Step one, date on board."
Why can't you just look at your
phones like normal people?
Alright. [CHUCKLES]
Alright.
Come on. What are y'all doing?
Get over here. It's story time.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Amelia Bedelia? Who wants to read about
an annoying woman that can't
follow simple instructions?
I'm not Ms. Teagues. If you have
something mean to say, just say it.
What about Eloise?
That little girl at the New York Plaza?
She's alright, but I got
some real Plaza stories for you.
You ever heard of Ghostface Killah?
So, it's me and Redman.
It's nineteen ninety
You know what? Let's save that
for another time.
Who's ready for story time?!
Come on, y'all.
This ain't some white concert.
Make some noise!
STUDENTS: Yay!
Yes!
Alright, then. Let's get into it.
Okay. Maybe the binder isn't so dumb.
I really wanted to hear
the Ghostface story.
BARBARA: Ooh, look at us,
sneaking out in between periods
to get coffee.
- Tasha, you're on lookout.
- Yeah.
Ants! Oh!
Oh, and their tiny little
caffeinated bodies
are headed straight
for the refrigerator.
We can't lose the fridge, Barb!
We can't lose the fridge!
Wow. Yeah. This is a bummer.
Uh, but I don't know.
Nothing we can do about it, right?
Well, I'm out.
MELISSA: Wh [SCOFFS]
[DOOR OPENS]
It's okay. You can say it. [DOOR CLOSES]
You wish Janine was here.
To do something about it.
[CAR ALARM BEEPING]
[JANINE GROANING]
"I absolutely love the Plaza."
Whew. That little girl's wild.
You got a dog and a turtle?
That's crazy.
Alright. Who's ready
for that spelling test?
I know that little nerd is.
Oh, dang.
I forgot they had your little
demon markings on them.
I'm gonna have to print some new ones.
Spell in your heads. I'll be right back.
GREGORY: the colors
of the rainbow in order.
Hold on.
- Well, that didn't last long.
- Shut up.
I need you to watch my class
for five minutes.
Five minutes or five "Ava" minutes?
Stop flirting with me.
[TELEPHONE RINGING,
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[COPIER BEEPING]
Out of paper?
Come on! Who used all the paper?!
Y'all gettin' this?
Most selfless person alive here.
[COPIER BEEPS, WHIRS]
[CHUCKLES]
[COPIER WHIRRING]
Ms. Cold-man? Is this you?
Unless you got $14.95 and
you want the luxury of a spa
in the comfort of your home,
flip that over.
Okay, so it looks like you guys
are supposed to spell out
what's in these pictures,
so go ahead.
Ms. Principal? I don't know
what this is a picture of.
That's a bee.
Like the letter?
No. Like a bee. Bzz-bzz.
Can't spell a word with just one letter.
- What about "A"?
- What about it?
Let's sound it out.
What other letters can go after beeee?
Oh! "B."
Happy Monday, everyone!
Oh. Hey. How you feeling?
Oh. I am good now, but Friday was gross.
Mm. Well, here.
It's got electrolytes in it.
It's good to stay hydrated
while you're recovering.
Oh.
- I'm glad you're okay.
- Thanks.
Whew! It is good to be back.
Yeah, it's good to have you back, kid.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
And we missed you.
And your infectious energy.
Wow. Getting food poisoning
was totally worth it.
I think I'll start ordering
my chicken medium rare.
[GASPS] Oh, my goodness, Tasha!
I have not seen you in so long!
Can I join you?
I'm all done.
Okay. I'll see you again soon.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Nothing good can last.
Guys, how long has
the coffee maker been broken?
- Oh.
- Oh.
I mean, I'm gone for one day,
and this happens.
Don't worry. I will fix it.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, what happened to all the eye masks?
Eye-mask game took a turn.
If anybody asks, I have
never heard of Ava Cold-man
or any burns that her eye masks
may or may not have allegedly caused.
Well, thank you
for covering for me, Ava.
Did everything go okay?
Oh, yeah. It was easy as hell.
I don't know why y'all teachers
whine so much.
Taking these to storage, Ava.
We're swimming in printer paper.
Did you order those for us?
Don't look at me like that.
We were short, so I got some more.
Acting like I'm not the most
responsible one in here.
Oh, and the city called.
They're gonna turn off the power
in the gym so they can fix
the fire alarm.
It was in a memo.
That's short for "memorization."
So you guys should remember that.
Hm.
Hm. No.
Just helping out a little.
Don't read too much into it.
It was mostly for me.
Just making sure I am never
put in that position again.
Substitute teaching.
Yet another doomsday scenario
Young Ava is prepped for!
[WHIRRING]
What do you need?
We need to talk about
one of your products.
Ugh! Uh
W-W-What product are you referring to?
Ava!
Can you at least just reimburse
me for my topical gel?
I think you'll find that
the corporation responsible
for your unfortunate situation
has since been dissolved.
You're lucky I don't report
your little thievery.
Now get out!