According To Jim s02e09 Episode Script

(PANTING) Can't feel my hands.
(GRUNTS) (PANTING) Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
(GRUNTS) (CONTINUES PANTING) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Hey, Cheryl, check it out.
Guy at work gave me a free turkey.
You're welcome.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Okay.
We all set? Yeah.
Yeah.
You give Cheryl the flowers.
Right.
And while she's crying tears of joy, I grab the kids, take them out to dinner and you and the missus enjoy each other's "company.
" (SCATTING SULTRY MUSIC) What are you doing? She's your sister.
Oh.
Yeah.
Um Oh Hit me.
Okay.
Oh, Cheryl, your lover boy is home.
Wow! Wow! Cheryl, what's going on here? Hey, sweetheart.
It's a PTA meeting.
It was gonna be at Julie's house but she's really sick, 104 fever.
Oh.
I thought childbirth had toughened you people up.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER) Well, okay, I'm home now, so you ladies can go.
Oh, well, actually we still have a lot to cover.
We're planning the Thanksgiving play.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Well, come on, Cheryl.
We're going upstairs.
Try not to listen and lock up when you're done.
Come on.
Honey, this is Bobbi Coker, president of the PTA.
Hi, Jim.
We met last year at the Spring Fair.
I'm so sorry I had to kick you out of the moon bounce.
Well, you could've put up a sign that said, "For kids only.
" Well, actually, we thought that was implied by the giant clown head on top.
Well, uh, tomorrow night, And, Jim, thanks so much for volunteering to build the sets for us.
Who did what, where? For who? What? Honey, remember how we talked about it.
When? And I was like, "Oh, honey, it would "be so great for everybody.
" And you're like, "Oh, honey, I'd love to.
I've got my own tools and everything.
" And I was like, "Oh, honey, that's great.
" We'll be back in just a second.
Cheryl, how could you volunteer me to build sets without even asking me? Jim, the subject came up and everybody knows you're in construction.
What was I supposed to do? You can't volunteer someone without asking them, okay? Jim, you gotta do it.
All the other husbands are helping.
I don't care what they do, honey.
Really.
I am an island.
I stand alone.
By the way, Island, your fly's down.
You know what this is about.
You're obsessed with being liked.
Oh, no, I am not.
JIM: Yes, you are.
You stop at stop signs.
You pull over for ambulances.
Come on.
That is ridiculous.
This is all about you getting in good with Bobbi Coker and that PTA posse.
Oh, well, fine.
I wanna be liked.
I'm insane.
Lock me up.
Jim, put the colander in the sink.
Cheryl Cheryl, come on.
I haven't seen you for two weeks.
You've been busy every night.
When is this Thanksgiving thing gonna be over? You know, traditionally, after Thanksgiving.
Come here.
I just wanna be alone with you, you know.
Just wanna reconnect.
(LAUGHING) Oh, honey! Me too.
You know, I actually really miss you.
Oh, you know what? I miss you, too.
Ohhh.
See, I got you flowers.
What do you think that says? I know.
Oh, you stopped by a cemetery on your way home? We're never alone in this house.
We're never alone.
We're never alone.
We can't connect when we're not alone! Honey, honey Honey, soon.
Soon, Jim.
I promise you.
Honey, would you please help me with the sets? Please.
All right.
Okay.
But I want a plaque put up somewhere that I did this.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
And I want it to say, "James.
" Oh BOBBI: Cheryl, we're out of refreshments.
Oh! That's my thing.
Okay, so dinner's ready.
I folded the laundry, gave the kids a bath and now I have a date.
Oh, my God.
I'm turning into Alice from The Brady Bunch.
Well, son, looks like just you and me, huh? Uh-oh.
I know that face.
That's "I've got a poop" face, isn't it? (SNIFFS) Can you eat with that in your pants? You know, guys, I'm looking over this Thanksgiving play and it's loaded with inaccuracies.
I'm seeing happy pilgrims and singing Indians.
You know what I'm not seeing? The truth.
Yeah.
Where's the betrayal of the Native peoples and the raping of their land? We're not doing that.
Oh.
Right.
Let's perpetuate the white man's lie.
Well, well, well.
I've found myself a couple of little worker bees here, haven't I? Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Right, Jim? (CHUCKLES) I'm not gonna buzz, Cheryl.
Cheryl, I was talking with Nancy Dibbs yesterday.
You know, she can be quite a chatterbox when she's sober.
And we were thinking that next year you should run for treasurer.
Me? I don't have any experience.
Well, you don't really need any.
You just come to the meetings, tell us how much we've raised and then we all go to the mall.
I could do that.
Okay, everybody, quitting time.
Let's have drinks at PJ O'Tuttlepool's! You coming? Oh, uh, you know what? I think I'm gonna finish up these trees here.
We're gonna stick around.
We're kind of in a groove, you know? We are? Yeah, yeah.
I want the plaque, baby.
Oh, I guess we're staying.
Okay, well, lock up.
(GIGGLES) Nancy, why don't you ride with me? Okay, I'm out of here.
I'm gonna throw back some fuzzy navels with the gang at O'Tutt's.
Uh, yeah, Bobbi.
Look, I'm not happy with the direction of this script.
Um I'm gonna have to insist you take my name off the program.
Well, your name isn't in the program.
(CHUCKLES) I see.
This is all one big joke on Andy.
Who's Andy? This is nice.
Yeah.
Finally being alone, huh? (CHUCKLING) Yeah, it is.
Hi, I'm Jim.
Oh.
Cheryl.
It's good to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you're looking good.
Well, thank you.
Hey, you know what this reminds me of? What? Remember that apartment you had on Sheridan? And we painted it in one day.
Yeah, oh, and then we ordered takeout and ate it by candlelight.
Yeah.
Ohhh I still think you could've whipped something up.
Oh, come But it was great.
It was great.
(JIM EXHALES) Man, this is nice, huh? Yeah, it is.
Us alone, together.
(EXHALES) Yeah.
And you with those convenient loops on your pants.
(LAUGHING) Ohhh JIM: Ohhh Baby, I love being with you.
Ohhh, you too.
(JIM KISSING) Hey! Honey! Jim! What? This is a school auditorium.
This is where Ruby got her Citizen of the Month ribbon.
Oh That's so sweet.
Now let's lose the pants.
Oh! Jim! What? Come on! I'm just being spontaneous.
No.
When was the last time we were spontaneous? Oh, excuse me? Who ordered Gosford Park on pay-per-view at the drop of a hat? (CHUCKLES) Oh, that's right.
That was you.
Yes.
And now the strong, young cable man is at the door demanding payment.
And me without my checkbook.
(LAUGHS) How will I ever settle up? (BOTH SCATTING SULTRY MUSIC) (GIGGLING) You know, I don't know, Jim.
(SHUSHES) Call me Brock.
Thanks.
It must've fallen out of my pocket.
I'll just be a second.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) Come on, Bobbi.
Would you get off the phone? Cheryl, will you put that damn thing down? Do you know why it's busy? 'Cause Bobbi Coker's calling everybody and telling them how we defiled Plymouth Rock.
Oh! Like the pilgrims didn't fool around.
Where do you think all these Americans came from? (DIALS) Okay, okay, you know what? You know what? We'll move to a new town and start over.
People do that.
We're not moving.
Maybe you haven't noticed, but I don't make friends easily.
Come on.
She saw us.
It's gonna be all over town.
Do you know what people are gonna say? Same thing they always say, "What's she doing with him?" Oh, oh, oh, I see.
I see.
Is it joke time? Are we joking now? We didn't do anything wrong.
Come on.
We're married.
I don't care what Bobbi Coker thinks or anybody else.
I do.
I just I can't believe you don't.
I don't.
I don't need to impress anybody.
It just kind of happens.
(SIGHS) You know, this is all your fault with your fancy tool belt and your saucy role playing.
If you had brought your checkbook, this never would've happened.
Come on.
Why don't I go call Bobbi again? Fine.
Give her my best.
(DIALING) Actually, she's already seen my best.
Hey.
Dana, are you wearing Cheryl's wedding dress? Mmm-hmm.
So, this is officially a new low for you, huh? Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, I finally got a hold of Bobbi.
She was really cool about it.
I told you it wasn't a big deal.
I know.
I know.
She promised she wouldn't tell anybody.
Good.
Yeah.
Dana! What? What Feet off the couch.
Wait.
Tell anybody what? (EXCLAIMS) Bobbi Coker and Andy walked in on us being together maritally.
At school? Yeah.
Man, you guys are a couple of freaks.
Yeah, we're the freaks.
Andy, I called you.
Why weren't you at work today? Because I saw you naked last night with my sister.
Andy, we're married.
We have three kids.
And here's some news for you, none of them came from the first try.
Great.
Super.
I'm gonna go fire a nail gun into my forehead.
Hey, Greg.
How're you doing? Oh, hey, Jim.
Haven't seen you since the girls' soccer match.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about running on the field like that but somebody had to score a goal.
(BOTH LAUGHING) So, how you doing since the, you know, divorce? You all right? Well, it was bad for a while but let me tell you, I love being single again.
It's unbelievable.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I'm getting more action than a broken slot machine.
That's great.
Great.
I don't mean to rub it in.
I know what it's like for you members of the Same Old, Same Old Club.
Hey, Greg.
You got it all wrong.
I mean, my marriage is totally hot.
My wife and I are crazy for each other.
Please.
You don't have to put on the "married people are wild" show, 'cause I had a front-row seat for the last seven years and I fell asleep.
Well, let me tell you something, if you were here last night sitting in that front row, you would've been wide awake and cheering.
What're you talking about? I'm talking about last night.
Me and the missus.
Right here.
Making Plymouth rock.
Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was married, it was wild.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
Whoa! A public place.
That's pretty gutsy.
Well, we do it all over the place, you know.
Restaurants.
Airports.
The zoo.
Nice.
Where at the zoo? Well, you know, a gentleman never tells.
But I'll tell you one thing.
If those pandas don't breed this year, it's not from not knowing how.
Okay, it's the first Thanksgiving and you turn to the pilgrims and you sing (RUBY AND GRACIE SINGING THANKSGIVING SONG) Welcome to the New World.
Please don't kill us and steal our land.
Um Wait.
Where did you get that from, Gracie? Uncle Andy put it in.
He said we had to send a message to whitey.
"Whitey"? (DOORBELL RINGING) Why don't you girls run up and get changed for dinner? DANA: Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Bobbi! Hi! What a pleasant surprise.
Come on in.
Yeah.
I just came by to let you know we're letting you and Jim go.
What? Well, I would've called but this is much more personal, isn't it? (STAMMERING) Yeah.
How could you let us go? The sets aren't done.
Well, the committee isn't so concerned about the sets getting done as they are about what's getting done on the sets.
Do people know? Bobbi, you promised you wouldn't tell anybody.
I didn't! I swear.
But it's all over the school.
Someone did.
(GROANS) This is not happening.
Listen, Cheryl, we've all been guilty of severe lapses in judgment.
It's just yours is so much worse because it happened in such a wholesome, innocent place.
You gotta understand, Jim and I, we're not wild like that.
It was just like a onetime thing.
Oh, come on, Cheryl, we all know about the zoo.
The zoo? I'm sorry, but this administration cannot afford a scandal.
I will not go back to baking cookies and serving punch! (WHIMPERING) I've come too far.
Wow, Cheryl, you and Jim went to the zoo and they let him out? Oh Jim and I didn't do anything at the zoo.
I just can't figure out where they'd get that idea.
DANA: Hmm.
Hey, baby.
What's up? Ooh! Mad eyes.
Mad eyes.
Mad eyes at Dana.
Oh! Right.
Jim.
JIM: Yes? Did you say anything to anybody at school that might give them the idea that we were more than just casual visitors at the zoo? Cheryl I'd like to renew our wedding vows.
You know, we'll invite some friends, we'll register for gifts, it'll be beautiful.
Why the hell would you tell people we did all that stuff? Oh, it was that Greg, that loudmouth! He was mouthing off about how we were boring married people.
I was just defending us and the institution of marriage.
By telling them we did it behind Plymouth Rock? Can you think of a better example? Clearly you did.
The zoo.
Well, that was kind of a stretch.
I was thinking about the time, you know, the dog was under the bed.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) Well, our house is like a zoo.
I mean, there's people running around all the time.
We're never alone! So, basically Yes? you started bragging because you didn't like the way Greg saw you.
Of course! I see.
So you were just worried about what he thought of you.
Yes! Uh-huh.
Oh, crap! Yeah, honey.
Whatever happened to, (IN DEEP VOICE) "I'm an island.
I stand alone.
" I don't talk like that.
Oh, yes, you do.
That's not even the point.
The point is I would never sell out your reputation to beef up my own.
Cheryl, I wasn't trying to hurt you.
(SIGHS) It was just a guy thing.
Come on, honey.
Well, Jim, thanks to your guy thing, I can't show my face at my own kids' school.
You know, Jim, I really enjoyed working on that Thanksgiving play.
Well, so did I.
Well, now the audience is gonna look up at those crappy, unfinished sets and they're gonna open their programs and they're gonna see my name.
Cheryl.
What? If anybody asks, we had a quickie in a hot air balloon last week.
Cheryl, I am very miffed at you.
Bobbi, don't worry.
I'm just picking up my paint brushes.
I'm not gonna sleep with anybody.
No.
I'm miffed at you because you didn't tell me how spectacular you are.
(GIGGLES) (GASPS) Wow! You must've stayed up all night to get this done.
Oh, well I'm so sorry I let you go.
Would you consider being in charge of our Christmas pageant this year? The Christmas pageant? Mmm-hmm.
Well, I thought that was only for the fifth-grade moms.
Our first meeting is backstage right after this turkey is over.
Pun intended.
(GIGGLES) Oh, uh You know, actually, um I really don't want to take on another big job right away.
You know, the truth is I miss my family.
Oh! Yeah.
Well, then I guess you don't want to be treasurer that badly? (SIGHS) I guess not.
Well, if at any point you decide to change your mind, it's too late.
Okay, everybody, let's take ten.
Fifteen for board members.
(LAUGHS) (SNORING) Hey, Jim.
Hey, wake up.
Hey.
Hey! (LAUGHS) Hey.
Oh, honey.
I thought you just got up early to go to work.
I can't believe you were here all night doing this.
Oh, well, you know, Andy did help.
Yeah.
Then we snuck into the principal's office and said naughty things on the PA.
(LAUGHS) Honey, you did an amazing job on the set.
Well, thank you.
Oh, amazing.
You know, when people open the program tonight and see your name, I want them to say nice things about you.
Ohhh Thank you.
But, honey, would you do me a favor and not tell people what we do in the privacy of our own public school? Okay.
From now on I'll just brag about how I have you as a wife.
Okay.
Not how I had you as a wife.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, honey.
Hey, did I leave my hammer Oh, for Pete's sake! At least hang a feather outside the teepee so people know you're in here.
Get out! And Samoset told the pilgrims he would help them hunt and fish and survive in the New World.
If only he knew he had just signed his death warrant.
It's a gutsy script, Andy.
Oh, thank you.
Wait till they see my black Jesus at Christmas.
Oh! Oh! (ANDY MUMBLING)