All In The Family s02e09 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Gloria, what are you doin'? I'm just trying to help.
You wanna help? I'll tell you how you can help.
Don't help! Michael, I just wanted to say that I don't think you should be worried About the problem that's been happening between us lately.
Worried? Do I look worried? Well, I'm not worried.
Michael, I understand.
No, you don't, Gloria.
If you understood, you'd know that the last thing I wanna hear is you saying, "I understand.
" I understand.
Gloria! Please, I'm trying to work! Will you leave me alone? Okay! Gloria! What's the matter? Nothing! Yes, there is.
I can tell.
No, nothing.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
You can tell me.
Ma, did you ever wonder if daddy stopped loving you? Is that what's bothering you? You think your father don't love me no more? No, ma.
It's not daddy I'm thinking about.
It's Michael.
Michael? Why wouldn't Michael love me no more? No, ma.
The problem's between Michael and me.
Ohh.
Well, what is it? Ma, you know I can't tell you about a sexual problem.
Sexual? Yes! Can I? Why not? I mean, I'm your mother, and if you have a problem about s-- something to do with One of those problems, you can tell me.
All right.
It's Michael.
You see lately we've been apart.
Why? Well, lately he hasn't been able to-- you see? I can't tell you.
Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.
It's crazy.
The longer it goes on, the more worried he gets, and the more guilty about himself and the more angry at me.
Oh, well, don't worry.
I'm sure it'll be all right.
I have a call in to Dr.
Kermit.
Maybe he'll know what's wrong.
Oh, sure.
He'll know.
It's probably just something that's goin' around.
Ho-ho-ho and whoop-de-doo.
First time in years a subway ride turned out to be fun, and no thanks to the city.
Comin' home on the subway, who do you think I bump into on the train? A guy I ain't seen in 36 years.
Bummy fensel was his name.
Funniest little kid in the neighborhood.
He was always runnin' around with droopy drawers and wet under the nose.
And I wanna tell you what he used to do.
He'd eat anything for money.
We used to give him two cents.
He'd eat a fly.
For three cents, he'd eat a half a worm.
Hey.
Hey, are you listenin' to me? Hey, meathead! Oh, were you talkin' to me, arch? [ Mockingly .]
Was I talkin' to you? Well, I thought I was.
There ain't nobody else here.
Edith! - I'm studyin'.
- Aw, go on.
Studyin'.
I come home with one of the funniest antidotes of all time, a story with some real human interest in it, and you sit there like you're an accountant.
Hello, Archie.
Dinner's all ready.
Yeah, well, first you oughta tell the captain of the Polish unemployment team To get his books off of this table! Well, actually, Archie, I thought you wouldn't mind eating in the kitchen tonight.
Oh, you thought that, huh, Edith? Yeah, you see, his big final exams is tomorrow.
Well, my dinner is tonight! Now, come on, meathead.
Let's move it, huh? Daddy, doesn't Michael have any rights around here? He certainly does.
He has the right to know what I am about to say.
Get the hell out of the dining room! No, Michael.
You stay where you are.
You sit right there and study.
Hey! Since when do you start orderin' me around? I am not ordering you around.
Would you stop being so sensitive? I will when you stop being so hostile! Aw, will youse both dummy up? Edith, I want my dinner.
I am not being hostile! Yes, you are! What do you call coming in here-- hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Put a lid on it, will ya? I don't wanna hear no more arguin'.
The only sound I wanna hear is the sound of dinner being served On this here table in this here dining room.
That's fine with me.
I don't have to study here anymore.
What are you saying? I decided it's too tough for me, Gloria.
I'm gonna quit college and get a job.
Oh, Michael, don't be childish.
Let him be childish! Be childish! Daddy, you be quiet.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
Oh, oh! Now I've lost my mind too, huh? Well, you must have! What kind of job do you figure to get without a degree? Well, I don't care! What's the difference? I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage! Bingo! Start collectin' the garbage off the table here! Is that all you want, arch? You just want this stuff off the table? Well, why didn't you just say so? Michael, no! [ Phone rings .]
I'll get it! That's for me! Don't anybody touch it! Did you hear what I said? Don't answer that phone! Michael, get your books back on this table, and, daddy, you eat in the kitchen, or I'll kill myself! Oh, come on, Archie.
It won't be so bad in the kitchen.
Remember Arthur? He used to eat in the kitchen all the time.
Arthur? Arthur was a cat.
What is goin' on? I feel like an outcast in my own home.
What the hell are they fightin' about out there? We're gonna have a nice pot roast, and as a special added treat, kosher pickles Cut in four pieces, just the way you like 'em.
Well, that ain't the way I like 'em.
I like 'em cut in four pieces lengthwise.
These here are crosscuts.
And what's the problem with them two? Well, Archie, I don't know the whole story, but-- oh, I just can't tell you.
You just don't like to hear about such things.
I like to hear about everything that's goin' on in this house.
Now, what kind of a problem have they got? [ Clicks tongue .]
Well It's sexual.
Shush! You know I don't like to hear nothin' about that there.
You better hear about this, Archie.
Well all right.
You can tell me.
But start slow.
Don't put in nothin' extra, see? And I'll say "stop" when I know what it is.
Well-- you remember you once told me about a fella, petey Simpson, who came back from the war-- stop! I know what it is.
- And he wasn't able to-- - stop! I know what it is.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, nah, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
Gloria told me.
And she was there.
Oh, Edith, it can't be.
There's nothing wrong with him like that.
I mean, look at him.
He's healthy there.
He's strong.
Geez, he goes through groceries like an earth remover.
Wait a minute.
Shh.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Michael? All right.
Leave me alone.
No! Now, calmly.
We have to discuss this openly, intelligently and calmly.
You said calmly twice! Damn it! Would you let me finish? Aha! That doesn't sound calmly to me, Gloria.
Now, the phone call I just got was from Dr.
Kermit.
Now, I asked him about your problem-- you what? All I wanted to do-- Gloria, without telling me? That's not the kind of thing I want spread all over town, you know! Gee whiz! Oh, boy.
I'm glad you're taking such a mature attitude.
Well, Gloria, if the shoe were on the other foot, what would you do? I'd forget my enormous male ego and want to know what the doctor said.
Who cares what the doctor said? Maybe you care, but I don't.
What did he say? He said this sort of, uh, problem Is often caused by anxiety-- like a man worried about his job, for example.
Yeah? Yeah, or a student worried about his exams.
So tomorrow, when your exams are over and the anxiety disappears, so will the problem.
Yeah, but how can you be sure? Well, chances are-- oh, well, chances are, chances are.
That's so-- would you be reasonable? The man can't give you a written guarantee.
Then what good is he? Gloria, I need that guarantee! Archie, what are you gonna do about the kids? What do you want me to do, cast a spell over them? Leave me out of it, will ya? And from now on, you tell your daughter when I come home from work, I want to have my dinner in my own dining room.
Let them send their problems to "dear abie.
" Oh, that's wonderful! Oh, Michael, I'm so proud of you.
Okay, honey.
Hurry home.
Bye-bye.
Ma, he just took his last exam, and he feels sure he passed.
Oh, Gloria, that's wonderful.
Uh, ma? Are you and daddy going out tonight? You want some time alone.
Where's your father? He's still in the bathroom.
He's been in there for 20 minutes.
Archie? [ Archie .]
What? When are you comin' out? Why, you sellin' the house? You've been in there for 20 minutes.
Who are you, the official timekeeper? What are you doin' in there anyway? I'm changin' a tire! One more word outta ya, and I ain't never comin' out! Better stop it, ma.
Yeah.
How do I look? All right? You look very nice, dear.
But that ain't the same dress you had on five minutes ago.
I know, ma, but Michael thinks the other dress is the sexiest one I have, and the last thing I wanna do is put any pressure on him.
What is it with youse two, huh? Draggin' me outta the only room in the house where I can have a little real peace and quiet.
Oh, come on, daddy.
It's the bathroom, not a chapel.
[ Mocking gibberish .]
Edith, will you go out and get me a beer, huh? Archie, would you like to go out with me tonight? Where to? Well, we could visit Sybil gooly.
She's in the hospital with gallstones.
Gallstones I'm acquainted with, Edith.
Who is Sybil gooly? Well, she's the checker at the third counter at ferguson's market.
Oh, someone near and dear to us all.
Listen, I get what you're tryin' to do.
Meathead's exams are over.
He's comin' home, huh? You and Gloria got it all hatched up so that they can have the house alone tonight.
Archie, you're so smart.
Aw, come on! You don't have to soft-soap me to get me outta here.
I can leave the house on my own hoof.
Where are you goin'? Where am I goin'? I'm goin' down to kelcy's saloon, where the only problem is closin' time.
You can go and enjoy yourself with Sybil gooly and her gallstones.
He says to me, "Archie, keep your money.
For old times' sake, I'll do it for nothin'!" Hey, arch.
What are you doin' here? Somethin' the matter at home? I haven't been home yet.
You ain't been home yet? Then what am I doin' here? I wanted to talk to you, arch.
You know, in private.
Oh, well, now, listen.
If it's what I think it is, I oughtn't be the one to talk to.
You go home by yourself and work it out.
But that's just it, arch.
I'm scared of goin' home.
It's like facin' another exam.
Arch, why can't you give me the benefit of an older man's experience? Lay off my experience! Arch, I'm worried about somethin' real important to me.
Why can't you help me out? Because you're never worryin' about somethin' normal.
Like, what are the New York jets gonna do about Joe namath's knee? Think about that.
All your worries are weirdo.
That's what you call what's botherin' me, a weirdo worry? Well, what would you call it? Well, it's anxiety.
Aww, geez! Yeah, it's like Dr.
Kermit said, anxiety over exams.
It ain't got nothin' to do with anxiety.
You're just nervous, that's all.
Your exams went and they took your mind off certain things.
Now, listen.
This is what you gotta do.
Before you go to sleep at night, sit down and say to yourself, "is there anything else that I forgot to do?" You could even write yourself a little note.
Maybe that would help.
That's ridiculous! Well, you asked me, didn't you? Keep it down.
All I'm sayin' is, before you go to bed just look around, see what's there Read your note! Thanks, arch.
You've been a great help.
Hey, Tommy, could you fill this up with some draft, please? Sure.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, bunker.
Hi, Mr.
Jefferson.
Oh, hi there, Jefferson.
Uh, say-- excuse me, will ya? Say, uh, Jefferson, there, can I talk to you over here about, uh, some business? Oh, sure, sure.
[ Clears throat .]
What's up? Well, this is kinda private, and it's a little bit, you know, delicate.
I got this friend of mine, and he's got what you call "connubible" difficulties.
That means he's a married man, but the trouble with him is that he can't, uh-- he's, uh-- he's stuck in neutral.
I got you.
It's a well-known fact that youse people-- I mean, the men-- I mean, when it comes to members of the opposite, uh, you got a special kind of "stanima.
" You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
I hear we're very advanced in that department.
Yeah, well, that's why I come to you for help, see? Oh, I don't know, bunker.
I don't know if I can tell ya that.
I mean, it's such a well-guarded racial secret.
Come on.
Come on.
I mean, what does it for you? You can tell me.
I won't tell nobody else.
I mean, we're neighbors, ain't we? We're practically friends.
Yeah, practically.
Yeah, well, now, uh, I hear tell that, uh, there's somethin' in that soul food youse are always eatin' That gives you a lot of moxie.
You hit it right on the button.
I did? Well, now that you guessed it, I might as well tell you.
It's the-- it's the hog jowls.
Hog jowls? Now, here's what you wanna do.
Try a jowl in the morning and a jowl at night, and you'll be just fine.
Oh, listen.
I almost forgot to tell ya about the side effects.
Side effects? Oh, yeah.
Listen, you start in with them jowls, and you might develop a sudden craving to shine shoes.
You might even get an urge to run down to the airport and start carryin' bags.
Listen, I even heard of one extreme case Where a man tap-danced himself to death.
Here you go.
Good night, Tommy.
Night, Mike.
Good night.
Night, bunker.
I hope you're feelin' better.
I don't see how you're gonna help them people.
They never talk serious.
And what about you? Are you still sittin' here? Why don't you go home? I'll go home when I'm ready.
I'm just not ready.
Well, you got a wife home.
Don't you never think about her? Archie, you kiddin' me? That's all I been thinkin' about, night and day.
Thinkin' about her now? Sure! Then you're ready.
Go home.
Hey, Tommy.
Yeah? Let me ask you somethin'.
Sure.
What do you know About hog jowls? Gloria, I'm goin' now.
Okay, ma.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh! Hi, Mike.
Hi, ma.
Where you goin'? Well, I'm going down to kelcy's To sit with Archie.
Bye.
Bye, ma.
Hi there, Gloria.
I'm so glad the exams went well.
Oh, yeah.
Me too.
I, uh, think I passed everything.
Good.
All the anxieties are gone.
Then again, I might not have passed.
Uhh-- poor baby.
You must be exhausted.
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I am.
I'm-- I'm tired, Gloria.
I'm-- I'm very, very tired.
Then you go right upstairs and go to sleep.
I'm not that tired.
I think I'll just sit down here for a while and watch a little tv.
But you never watch tv.
Yeah, well, tonight there's a special movie I've been dying to see.
What? Uhh-- well, it was in here yesterday.
Look, it's still here.
Uh-- "the return of the sand crab.
"Japanese, 1967.
"Naraz, a monster sand crab, teams up with mothra, rodan and Godzilla To save Japan from an invasion by superhuman vegetables.
" Huh? Doesn't that sound great? What are you doin'? Something to help you relax.
Oh.
Well, uh you don't have to do that, Gloria.
Oh, does it bother you? No, no.
It-- it doesn't bother me.
It's, uh-- it's nice.
So you passed your exams, Michael, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think I did, uh, very well.
I knew you would.
Are you feeling better now? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this is, uh-- this is great.
I mean, this is sensational.
[ Tv: Melodramatic .]
Hey, Edith, what's the name of that sand crab? Naraz.
And what's the name of the monster cauliflower? That's veggo.
And that other thing that looks like a giant set of lips, that's mothra.
- [ Phone ringing .]
- Mothra, veggo-- why do they have to give 'em such screwball names? It's bad enough I hear the English comin' out of a mouth that's movin' in jap.
- Hey, arch.
It's for the missus.
- For me? Yep.
Oh, my.
Thank you.
Okay.
Hello? Oh, hello, Gloria.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
All right.
Bye.
Archie, we can go home now.
Hold your horses, will ya, Edith? It's just gettin' good here.
Hey, look at that, look at that.
It's a big hunk of broccoli runnin' after a jap.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.