Ally Mcbeal s02e09 Episode Script

Hey, Renee.
Nice block.
- What's wrong? - What? I can't kick a cushion? They're made soft so they'll be kickable.
I paid for half of that.
You wanna kick- - It's a Thanksgiving ritual, okay? - A what? Thanksgiving.
My favorite holiday.
A time to reflect on everything we're thankful for, and I honor it by kicking cushions.
Thanks for having a full life.
Thanks for having somebody to love.
Thanks for waking up every day to be a lawyer.
Thanks for not wanting a man or needing one.
Thanks for the millions of men that I don't need or want.
For not being tickled in so long, I forget how it feels! Thanks for Thanksgiving, and knowing that Christmas comes next.
You Never Can T ell - Sweetheart.
- I'm not sweet.
- Darling.
- Never that.
We have exchanged affection.
Do I have to call you Ling? Sugar.
Or honey.
Pumpkin.
Anything food.
Call me food.
Honey, I know this lawsuit's important, but- - Are you suggesting I drop it? - Porkchop it's nice to have a hope of victory and- He harassed me.
You can prove it if you're good.
- What if we settle? - What's the offer? - Nothing.
But we could get an apology.
- No.
We sue.
- Buttercup- - No! - How do we- - Just saddle me up- Quiet! I'll ignore you one at a time.
- Absurd cases go to Georgia.
- What? - I agree, he does saddle you up.
- Funny.
She's saddled.
We have to draw a line.
You wanna sleep with her- Ling.
You took my cases to sleep with me? Bacon bits.
I'm nice because I want to sleep with you.
That's why I kissed you.
T aking your cases- I do that because you're rich and a potential cash cow to milk.
Suing a man for sexual thoughts, with no action on his part- I thought we were friends.
- Friends? Well, we are.
- You' re a mean and spiteful group.
Where's Nelle? I need comfort.
- She needs comfort.
- Yeah.
- Bowling? - A date.
What kind of guy bowls? Ben says he's cute.
Plus, you know, desperate.
- He's desperate? - You are.
Thanksgiving's soon.
You want a reason to be grateful.
Nobody ever met anybody any good bowling.
We're going bowling.
Up on the stand, it's important that you're sympathetic.
Do you think that's within your range? Also, the part about you being a bit psychic.
- That'll be a hurdle.
- Only penile psychic.
I can tell when a man thinks with his unit.
Can't you? Sometimes.
If they win early, we may not go before a jury.
- So? - So my being sympathetic is moot.
But it's never too early to start practicing.
I need Nelle.
- John? - Nelle, hello.
Listen - Oh, you like my outfit? - Well, yes.
Ling.
She designs clothes for fun.
She's great.
It's called "Le Steward.
" Flight attendant.
Men like it, I don't know why.
Can we go out? - What? - I'm starting to like you.
Can we go on a real date? With a beginning and an end.
You'd rather covet from afar.
But it's driving me a little crazy.
Just whistle once for "yes.
" Great.
Here's the file for Summary Judgment.
Pleadings.
Depositions.
This empty folder is the supporting case law.
- What? - We know there's a story - but we shouldn't ask.
- It's a pregnancy dress.
I made it.
- Foam, very comfortable.
- Why? Pregnant women get breaks.
Full cart of groceries? Use the express lane.
Speeding tickets? There's a water packet.
Break it.
Looks real.
You can use handicap parking.
I'm getting the patent.
- Georgia, could I have a second? - Sure.
- What's up? - What? The dress.
You're looking to be noticed again.
T ell me.
T ell me.
- George dumped me.
- He did? I mean, he did? - You okay? - Yes.
It's not that I loved him or I'm fine with it.
I was losing interest.
He did me a favor.
It's hard to tell someone that - I'm glad I'm off the hook.
- You're lying.
I am fine.
I will be fine.
It's just Thanksgiving.
I hate being alone on Thanksgiving.
Can't eat turkey if you feel like one.
Yeah.
Come over to my house Thursday.
We'll watch football.
We'll throw some cushions George told me everything.
How he fell for you and how you stayed loyal to me and On Thursday, I'll be giving thanks that you' re my friend.
Same here.
We'll probably never really look like this.
Oh, you never can tell, Elaine.
Excuse me.
He works for her.
An employer is suing an employee for harassment.
Second, he didn't do anything.
He's being sued for his thoughts.
George Orwell would be thrilled at this idea.
But even he wouldn't have imagined we'd come to a point where people are sued for ideas.
I have to say, Ms.
McBeal, this is out there.
- Ms.
McBeal? - Sorry? - Will you focus on the case? - Yes.
There's no case law saying an employer can't sue an employee.
Is there a hostile workplace? Who works for who is irrelevant.
Second, I suspect that Mr.
Wells thinks that- Feels that I'm interested in him.
You might think so too.
- Maybe I could have been more subtle.
- Perhaps.
Where should the line be? I mean, I just gave him a look.
Now, I could give him this look.
Or I could just smile softly.
Or I could just look up a little with my head down.
Or I could just send the slightest, almost undetectable signal.
My own I-wanna-sleep-with-you glance that he alone can read.
I want it.
Right here.
Right now.
Rough.
- You won? - Summary judgment.
I had faith.
You're unsaddled.
- Ally did it.
- Where's Ling? She's not here? We gotta review testimony.
She's first up.
She went into Ally's office with Elaine.
Cream and sugar? Stop tightening.
- What are you doing? - Making her sympathetic.
This will do, but I have a fake cast too.
You can't fake an injury.
That's false testimony.
- There's not enough plaster- - Excuse me? - T ake it off.
It's stupid.
- A trial is all about presentation.
Now.
This is how she treats the pregnant.
John? Billy.
- How's it going? - Fine.
Thank you.
Everything all right? I'm at a precipice.
Feel like talking about it? Is it Stefan? It's really not Stefan.
No, it's Nelle.
But the loss of Stefan, I think - left me with a void to fill.
- Are you and Nelle? She wants to go on a real date.
Much as I prefer to covet from afar I do have glandular pulls.
- What's the conflict? - I can't see being with her long term.
But the idea of the short term, that draws me.
I'm worried.
You know, what might be fun for her - could be dangerous for me.
- Think you might fall in love? Worse things could happen.
Suppose I did fall in love.
It'd be hard to work in the office with her.
The law would preclude removing her from the office.
On the other hand it's not wise to sit in a corner all my life.
Honest answer, Billy.
Could you see the two of us working out? No.
- Usually it was full scanning.
- "Full scanning"? His eyes started at my ankles.
They'd go up my legs pause at my calves, then to my butt, again a pause.
Then up the torso, over my head, down over my hair resting again on my butt.
He'd usually end with a squint and purse of the lips.
- How often did he do it? - Whenever I entered the plant.
I was too unnerved to enter the plant for fear of leers.
I'm the manager.
I have to be there.
But he worked for you.
Why not fire him? I couldn't.
He's union.
What's the harm in having a man look at you? I kind of like it.
With the right man, yes.
With a pig, you have nightmares.
- You had nightmares? - I would picture his thoughts.
This fat, dirty person sweating above me.
- Objection.
- He thought that.
Ask him.
What else would he do? Besides think? He'd call me by my name.
Woo.
Except he'd say it soft.
"Woo.
" Like post-coital.
"Whew.
" It repulsed me.
This is none of my business.
Then the discussion should end there, right? John is kind of a vulnerable guy.
I think you know that.
I was impressed when you gave him the frog.
But I would hope you wouldn't date him either out of curiosity or sport.
He gave me his spare flusher.
If you were afraid that he overheard you, chances are you weren't being loyal by saying it.
He hasn't talked to you? He says " hello.
" "Good morning.
" Stuff like that.
But lasciviously.
- He says "hello" lasciviously? - Yes.
And shoots me groin-motivated looks.
Is it possible that you imagined this? I never considered that, but let me.
No.
- He hasn't done anything besides look? - Right.
These looks, did others see them? Even if they had, so what? They're union.
They stick together.
I see.
Ms.
Woo.
I don't mean to offend but could your work attire be construed as provocative? I dress modern, but not to incur the vile thoughts your client has.
- Your honor.
- Sustained.
For yes or no questions, "yes" or " no" will do.
I'm sorry.
Have you sought medical treatment for your emotional injuries? I should have.
But I was raised not to impose on others.
I decided to sue, not for me, but to stop him from harming others.
T o think that other women could be objectified, and to know - that I could have acted- - Your Honor? For the yes or no questions - Ready? - Yes.
I prefer going to the bar downstairs.
I feel more comfortable there.
Okay.
As hostile as she was, the jury liked her.
Something about Ling- - Watch it.
- The holes are too big.
- Your fingers are too little.
- Do they make little balls? Here come the guys.
- Ready to knock down some pins? - All set.
- Ally, you know Ben.
- Yeah.
And this is Wallace Pike.
- Wally, Ally.
- Hello.
- It's nice to meet you.
- May I offer you something to drink? Maybe later.
I have to find a ball that fits.
- Renee? Could you help me? - Yeah, sure.
It's hard to dance.
I'm a little wrought.
After this is over, maybe you could take a break from suing people.
In which case, how would you milk me? Did Ling just make a joke? You're not having fun, are you? I am.
I would like to get you out of this cocoon sometime.
Are you afraid of me? Oh, I A little.
Hi.
I've seen you before.
You work in the building? - I do, actually.
- Yeah.
My name's Sean.
Hi, Sean.
I'm Nelle, and this is my date, John.
- Hey.
Sean.
- Hello.
Good to meet you both.
- So, we gonna dance? - Actually, I'm beat.
If you don't mind, could we just cut it a bit short? Sure.
The ball holes are too big, damn it.
- Did that count? - Let's go dancing.
- No.
- I'm an excellent dancer.
I love bowling.
It's more fun than dancing.
I couldn't help noticing.
- The balls are too big for you.
- The ball holes.
Yes.
My name's Seymore Martin.
My wife and I came here on Wednesday nights for 36 years.
- She died three Decembers ago.
- He's as funny as Wally.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I bowl alone now.
I bring her ball in memory.
She too, had little hands.
You may use it.
Oh, no.
No, I couldn't.
It'd make her happy.
We met in this alley.
Her name is Ally.
Isn't that ironic? Please, see if it fits.
Wow.
Finally a snug fit.
Well, here it goes.
- This left here, and it's 1412.
- You got it, ma'am.
- Lousy time, huh? - No.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I'm sorry I was so beat.
Good night.
- Can you turn them at all? - No.
Fingers swell during menstruation.
You're a walking HBO special.
Anybody ever tell you that? I had some salt.
They could be swollen.
- If you wait, you risk circulation.
- Can't you wait, Ally? I'm in trial tomorrow.
I can't go like this.
- Cut it off.
- No, please! I came to you because something about you spoke to me.
The kindness of your soul.
This ball is my most treasured possession.
We'll get through this.
- What do you mean, "stuck"? - It won't come off.
You can't go to court like that.
What else am I gonna do? It's the guy's dead wife.
- This is all he has left of her.
- You sabotage all my good cases.
Georgia.
Can you step in? Ally's prepared the next witness.
I need Nelle.
I'm fraught.
My case is borderline.
She's gonna argue it like that? - I'll hide it.
- You can use my pregnant dress.
Quiet! You could explain it to the judge and the jury.
They might find it endearing.
Ally? I worried all night.
- Who are you? - Oh, Wally.
- I'm fine.
Thank you.
- I brought these.
- You shouldn't have.
Take it.
My hand.
- Sure.
Georgia, we gotta get to court.
Let's go.
Bye, Wally.
Thanks.
Elaine.
In my office.
A $50 raise to get rid of him.
Tell him you're not interested.
I did.
He says he'll persevere.
And he says that every knock is a boost.
Boost him down the stairs.
Thanksgiving's soon.
Doesn't he beat being alone? Does he look like he does? What the hell is that? He's singing.
How romantic.
You take him.
You're on the rebound.
That wasn't nice.
I'm sorry.
I didn't- Wally! That was mean of me and I'm- Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! John, you got the biggest booger - It's a frog.
Bygones.
- Did you need something? - The bar.
I couldn't help but notice- - Because he was spying.
A guy came up.
Did Nelle start up with him, or? No.
But the thing you have to realize about Nelle is that she's standing right behind you.
Nelle.
We're just reviewing the date.
Any thoughts? How about what's between me and John stays that way? Seriously.
If you wanna tell them what's up, go ahead.
At some point, I'd appreciate you telling me.
Unbelievable legs.
I'd like to be alone.
Billy.
Go.
- I'll sue you.
- I'm sure.
Malpractice.
- What? - Ask her.
Soybean? - We lost.
Directed verdict.
- What? The judge said, "I've heard all I need to.
" We prepared you.
Sexually harassing thoughts The law will get there, it's just- A problem with being a visionary.
They laughed at Ben Franklin.
I let my frog run free, he got flushed.
I don't want my hope - to meet the same fate.
- Afraid you'll be hurt? When that man approached you- That must happen all the time.
With princes, not just frogs.
Can we get off the frog thing? You know I hate frogs.
You' re beautiful and smart.
Everything you want in a man those choices are there for you.
- Do you know what most men are like? - Yes, and I'm not totally insecure.
I measure up well against most.
But whatever you' re drawn to somewhere it exists in a more attractive package.
- I haven't met him.
- You will.
You won't even have to look.
They're looking for you.
Sooner or later, you'll be found.
Whether you and I are a match, who knows? I'm losing interest as we speak.
I'm not drawn to victims.
If you think I'm a person who'd be swept up by an attractive package why would you be interested? I suspect your friends are telling you to play it safe, so do that, if it works for you.
Three years of law school, five in practice, all to end up a ball girl.
- You gotta admit, it's funny.
- Didn't feel funny.
- I apologize.
- No problem.
- Your question yesterday- - Forget it.
I got something to say! Let me say it! The negative thing about you and Nelle.
I think there's too much office soap opera.
The partner-associate thing.
The law.
Complications.
I don't know if you and Nelle could work.
Maybe.
Under the shell, she could be okay.
You know her better than me.
Is she a good person? I think so.
The main thing is that she's right behind you.
Do you just sneak up on people? - Everyone knows everyone's business.
- Yes.
I'd apologize, but I don't wanna seem like a victim.
I see.
John? Do you hear Barry White? Yes.
How could you tell? - I was trying to set the mood.
- Ling's right.
You're nuts.
Elaine.
Unacceptable.
- I was just- - No.
- Look.
Pull my arm.
- Excuse me? Just pull it.
A good hard pull.
Pull it again.
That's it.
Take her.
Ask her to dance.
Take her.
That's what we want.
You got a minute? Good.
I hate how guys disregard a woman who's not pretty- - I feel sorry for you there.
- I don't ask you to.
- But don't be sorry for John, either.
- I'm not.
It's bad that you rely on looks, but don't presume that I do.
Believe it or not, I like the guy.
How about that? More flowers from Wallace.
- Oh, great.
- Hey, nice flowers.
Who from? The most boring man on earth.
" Persistence is love's first virtue.
" What does that mean? - He's not giving up.
- Maybe not, but he's coming up.
- Excuse me? - He's on the elevator.
Georgia.
In my office.
Just bring him in.
Beauty has its problems.
Only handsome men ask us out because only they think they'll succeed.
Handsome men are dolts.
Life is unfair.
I see.
Eventually, we have to face reality.
Despite the glitter the world offers true happiness exists in only one thing.
- Which is? - Shopping.
- Is she here? - Well, she is, but Oh, all right.
Excuse me.
Wally.
Hi.
Success.
Ding dong, the bore is gone.
- You owe me big.
- I don't know.
What's with the tongue? - I didn't use tongue.
- I felt it.
- Oh, you wish.
- I got a little flitter.
I didn't give you tongue.
- Excellent.
- I wish you'd knock.
You just take her.
You're gonna be great.
What? - How are you always so cheerful? - Sorry.
Isn't it hard being alone? How'd you know I was alone? Did Ally tell you? No.
You just assumed.
Don't you get lonely, Elaine? Ever? - I've never had an unlonely day.
- But you're always happy.
Happy's easy.
You act happy.
People see you as happy and you see yourself through their eyes.
You feel happy.
It doesn't work for lonely.
But happy's easy.
Wally.
Hey, how are you? Georgia, honey, I'll be right out! - If you like women, why date me? - Denial.
Babycakes! You went because you want to change? Well, I - Did you call me? I heard a food name.
- No, Ling.
I didn't call you.
Why has the annoying man returned? - Sorry, sorry.
- Lesbians can change.
I had some scripture in my car.
If you'd like Wally, thank you.
I can't wait to start reading.
I don't believe in homosexuality, so this has to be goodbye for us.
Bugger.
- But I'll pray for you.
- That's a start.
- You kissed her? - I had to.
I had to get rid of Wally.
Well, it was pretend.
She was pretty good.
She can kiss.
- She can? - Yeah.
Have you ever fantasized about kissing a woman for real? - What? - Well, just to see.
You've never thought about it? What it would be like? Maybe.
Once.
- Have you? - Never.
Nelle, would you like to dance? Well Let's go.
- Ling got over her loss? - She prefers to lose.
In winning there's nobody to blame.
She looks happy.
- You all right? - Well, yeah.
- You kissed Georgia.
Dance with me.
- Let's go, baby.
- Little three-way? - Oh, I'm in.
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